Learning to differentiate between guilt and shame is a
really important step in easing the pressure of perfectionism. In his academic
journal article, Adams defined guilt as feeling “bad about the
behavior they just performed and the behavior only” (69). Whereas, shame
“centers on a negative evaluation of the self, not the behavior . . . In
addition, shame causes individuals to suppose that others close to them also
feel these same levels of anger and disgust toward them” (69). Guilt can include
“being overly critical in the self-evaluation of behavior and performance
(concern over mistakes) while striving to meet high standards” (65). This can
result in “psychological problems . . . Interventions should focus on lowering
self-critical thoughts by integrating the religious components of compassion,
mercy, and forgiveness” (65). The goal is to help people “alter how they
evaluate their mistakes, flaws, and imperfections” (65).
In
her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown demonstrated how
shame and perfectionism play off each other. She defined perfectionism as “a
self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought:
If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or
minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism
is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect.
Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about
perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the
obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much
time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is
addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often
believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the
faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to
live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame
(and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience.
Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful
emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way
because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).
In her article, Toni Bernhard explained
that perfectionism is a habit that can be changed with practice and she
acknowledged that this may be a lifelong journey for people (Psychology Today). She regards herself as “a work-in-progress on the ‘recovering
perfectionist’ scale” (Bernhard). A key method for easing the pressure of
perfectionism is learning to not compare oneself to others. She explained, “The
comparing mindset feeds our perfectionistic tendencies and almost always leads
to negative self-judgment” (Bernhard). She added, “Most of us don’t realize
that the very people we’re comparing ourselves to are doing the same thing
we’re doing – and coming up short in their own eyes” (Bernhard).
Petra Kolber is a famous fitness
instructor who learned to transform her drive for perfection into pursuing
happiness instead (Halvorson 39). She later developed a program called
Perfection Detox to help others do the same (36). She shared some good advice
on this topic: “The reason we suffer from insecurity is because we’re comparing
our backstory to everybody else’s highlight reel . . . Social media exacerbates
this. But we can also change how we look at it” (37). She suggests that it is
“possible to see someone’s post and simply think, ‘I’m so happy for them’
without comparing myself to them” (37).
A recent academic journal article
discussed how comparison occurs on social media – sometimes without us even
knowing it. “Social media-based social comparisons . . . may lead to negative
outcomes, particularly as individuals present their most ‘ideal’ selves on
social media, therefore inviting upward social comparisons from others”
(Sherlock and Wagstaff 483). This can cause unhealthy comparison between
reality and the altered reality that is presented. The answer isn’t always to
avoid social media altogether, but limiting its use may be helpful – especially
if one notices that comparison is causing feelings of inadequacy or
inferiority.
This is what I decided to do after our
daughter and her boyfriend told us she was pregnant in May of last year. Seeing
other women posting about the temple marriages and missionary experiences of
their children caused me great distress as I was adjusting to this news. So I
completely deleted all of my followers on Facebook and Instagram – and I
stopped following all of my contacts as well. As I have become more comfortable
with the idea of becoming a grandma over the last few months, I have
gradually re-added about twenty contacts on Instagram, but I have continued to
avoid Facebook. Therefore, mindfulness, or becoming aware in the present moment
of internal thoughts and feelings, is one way to change this habit of
comparison which contributes to the negative effects of perfectionism
(Bernhard).
I’ve
also noticed that women in this Utah County culture have a tendency to compare
their worst traits with the best traits they observe in others. This often
occurs at social gatherings or at church meetings and activities. If women
burdened by the heavy expectations from perfectionism would be open and honest
with their struggles, I believe it would allow others to be open and honest
with theirs as well. That kind of vulnerability may help lessen the struggles
that accompany perfectionism in women. I have experienced that in my own life.
When I began telling close friends that my family members no longer believed
and then again when our daughter became pregnant, it allowed them to feel
comfortable sharing what was not perfect in their family situations as well.
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown explained,
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton
shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the
thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the
difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying
down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To
overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities”
and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of
embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion,
and connection” (57).
Developing self-compassion and being
gentle with oneself is another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism. In
her article, Jan Devlin gave this advice, “Give yourself the same empathy you’d
show to a friend. Be willing to mess up and move on” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Several times in my own therapy sessions over the years, I
have been advised to imagine how I would talk with a dear friend who is
struggling in the same way I am and practice that type of self-talk. Devlin
continued, “If you treated your friends as badly as you sometimes treat
yourself, you would not have friends. Acknowledge that you are doing your
best and be accepting of your efforts, as well as others” (Wasatch Family
Therapy). In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown
concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice
self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves .
. . we can embrace our imperfections” (57).
