I
have struggled with depression, some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety
(especially in social situations) for most of my life. My clinical diagnosis is
Bipolar
II Disorder, which is less severe than Bipolar I. It includes depressive episodes,
alternating with some mild euphoric episodes called hypomania, along with some
periods of relatively stable mood. Depression, whether it’s a from a chemical
imbalance or a response to difficult situations, affects every aspect of a person’s
life. I often felt like I was figuratively slogging through the mud in a thick
fog. It negatively affects the way I feel about myself, my relationships with
others, and my connection to God. It distorts my thinking, drains my energy, and
shatters my hope. It is so much deeper than a case of the blues and a person
can’t just “pull up their bootstraps” or “snap out of it” as some people erroneously
believe.
At
several times in my life, I have been desperate for some positive change, but I
felt helpless to move forward. With the support of my family, I have worked with
psychiatrists who have experience prescribing the right type, combination, and
dosage of medication for a chemical imbalance. That process often requires
careful observation and adjustments over time. I have simultaneously worked
with several psychologists and therapists who have helped teach me tools and
skills to cope better with my emotional struggles. That process sometimes requires
patience to find a comfortable client-provider fit. A good therapist provides a
safe environment to work through struggles with an effective balance of empathy
and encouragement. Those two steps are very important, but they are usually
just the beginning steps in the journey. They helped me start to climb out of
the deep, dark pit that felt so real and all-encompassing and over the initial
overwhelming hump. That part of recovery isn’t always well understood, but it
is foundational to the process.
I knew the medication was working within the first few
days because I could start functioning again and I felt my real personality
beginning to return over the following weeks.
Then I had to work very hard each day to continue to progress. In 2011, the
Lord taught me how to change by focusing on one thing at a time – the
scriptures use the terms “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30) and “…continued
from grace to grace…” (D&C 93:13). I needed to be willing to
develop new habits, even if I didn't feel like it or think it was
possible. Although it seemed completely counter-intuitive, I was finally able to push through the level
of depression and anxiety that was debilitating to a more manageable level after
practicing those habits for quite a while. During that time, I
had to re-train my brain to think more clearly. I learned to think about my
progress in terms of “small or something,” instead of “all or
nothing.” I needed to work diligently to overcome my perfectionistic
tendencies. It was important to learn how to be gentler with myself, especially
when it appeared I had failed. Then I had to learn to rebound every
time I fell. I try to never compare myself to others, but
only to myself, to make sure I continue to progress as steadily as
possible at my own pace.
One of the most important things I started doing was to walk
to destinations all over town to give me a relatively safe way to practice
leaving the house. I continued to spend time walking out in the
sun—especially on gray days, when
it was difficult to notice the sun. That helped the endorphins
to start flowing. The fresh air (and vitamin D) also helps to keep my
emotional perspective realistic. In addition, it was really important for
me to listen to inspirational and upbeat music. (The songs that helped me the most are by my favorite
inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks.) Music with positive lyrics helps change my
thinking more quickly when I get stuck in a figurative rut and it helps my
thoughts to begin spiraling upward, instead of their natural tendency to spiral
downward. The final missing link for me was people and I will discuss
the importance of that in the next section of my journey.
In addition to sincere
prayer, I asked for priesthood blessings and they have
strengthened me along the way. The Savior’s atonement has helped me
during every step of this process. I was willing to do the
difficult work, but His power made it all happen. My struggles
with depression aren’t completely over, but my life is significantly different now
than it was a decade ago when I was so depressed and anxious the majority of
the time. I want to emphasize that my
progress has been a balanced effort with many contributing factors, but the
main factor is my willingness to
keep moving my feet. I continued to
take small steps in various areas of my life and gradually built more productive
habits. I have made slow, but relatively steady, progress. There have been many
challenges along the way and there will continue to be more in the future.
However, I’m confident that as I continue to apply these principles, I won’t be
defeated.
