Chapter 9: Walking Therapy

            I was inspired to start walking in the fall of 2010, but it wasn’t an overnight success. I gradually increased my stamina as I walked to a destination near our home each day. After a while, I realized I was noticing the fluffy or wispy clouds in the sky, the leaves on the trees (and the crunch, crunch, crunch as I walked through them on the ground), the flowers growing beside the sidewalk, the outline of the mountains against the sky, and the beautiful sunsets. I started taking pictures as I walked, which was a hobby that had faded during my depression. As winter set in, I made the conscious decision to go walking, especially when the sky was gray (and even when it was raining or snowing). Prior to this, Seasonal Affective Disorder was something I struggled with during the winters – its acronym is SAD and that’s absolutely how gray days made me feel. However, it only looks gray when you’re inside, looking out the windows. When I actually went outside to walk, I could still see and feel the light of the sun – even if it didn’t shine as bright or feel as warm as it normally did. This taught me an important lesson about looking up – to the sun in the sky and also to the Son of our Heavenly Father.

            During that time of strengthening, I listened to music by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. Her CD titled “Every Step” (2011) felt like a soundtrack for the progress in my life. (I attended a benefit concert in Hilary’s home during August 2012 and she autographed my CD cover along with this message, “May the Lord bless your ‘every step.’”) With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “Dancing in the Rain.”

…The storm had rolled in…

I thought about going back to bed

Or reading the book on my nightstand

I considered calling the weather man

Just to ask him when it might end

But I did something you would not have thought

I grabbed my polka dot umbrella

And I opened the door…

Chorus:

And I danced

In the rain

I let my dreams know I hadn’t forgotten them

I let my heart take the lead and I told my hopes

To get themselves up again

And I danced (to the music of the day)

And I looked (for the blue above the gray)

Yes I danced

In the rain

I invited my worries to step aside

I need room to see in front of me

As the raindrops fell on my overcoat

I let them roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow

Cause Heaven and me, we both know

This storm is gonna pass 

I danced till my fears washed away

Then I thanked the rain for coming… today 

            I flew to Alabama with my parents to visit my sister in January 2011. This trip required me to stretch far outside my current comfort zone of staying close to home, which helped me realize I was making progress emotionally. It also helped me see my life from a different angle. At that time, I weighed 167 pounds, which is the heaviest I have ever been (including pregnancy). When I returned home, I talked with my husband and we made a basic plan for me to eat less carbohydrates and more protein – which basically meant avoiding obvious sugar. I began to faithfully log everything I put in my mouth using myfitnesspal.com. It helped me track my weight loss, along with reminding me to walk each day, do my floor exercises, and drink more water. I lost an average of three pounds each month and reached my goal weight of 121 pounds in May 2012.

            Prior to that in March 2012, I flew by myself to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Colorado, which was another victory in my emotional recovery. Two months later, they flew to Salt Lake and I joined them on a flight to Hawaii to visit our parents who were serving a mission at BYU-Hawaii. It was the first time I had been to Hawaii and May was the perfect time to go. I was excited to celebrate the loss of those 46 pounds by shopping for new shorts, capris, polo shirts, and tees before I left. I was now in size 6 and 8 (small), rather than 12 and 14 (large). It was a great feeling to see that physical proof of my achievement. I was so proud of these emotional and physical accomplishments and was grateful for the chance to celebrate in such an exciting way.

            There were still times when I didn’t feel strong and sometimes it felt like waves of depression were washing over me. However, I refused to go back to bed. When I wasn’t motivated to walk or was tempted to fall back into old eating habits, I reminded myself that I lost the equivalent weight of a water softener salt bag from Costco. Those bags are heavy! I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. During that whole process, I continued listening to Hilary Weeks’ “Every Step” CD.  With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “That’s Who I Am.”

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again…

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There’s a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

Chorus:

This moment is mine and I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

I will embrace it

I am strong and I believe that’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I’m brave enough to face the storm

And I’ll stand

That’s who I am 

It’s not about the race

It’s not how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go and holding on

It’s about taking chances

 And staying strong     

            I walked and talked with a friend in September 2012. She wrote about it on her blog later that day and I will share a few sentences that warmed my heart and strengthened my confidence. “I went walking with a friend that I haven’t visited with (face-to-face) in maybe two years? It’s been a really long time. This wonderful friend of mine has been challenged by bipolar disorder for at least 25 years. She is an extremely faithful friend and remarkable example of someone who presses forward in the face of her mountains to climb. The first thing I noticed about my friend was that she had lost so much weight…. She has also made HUGE progress in other areas of her life…. In every way, she is doing the best she has done in years. I made a mental note that during our conversation, she seems the most steady and grounded as she has ever seemed…. What I wish you could have heard in our conversation was the confirmation in both of our hearts as we talked about the power of small, simple actions based on decisions to change. The power of going on a walk, once. Then twice. Then again the next day…”

            About five years later, another friend emailed me this quote by Søren Kierkegaard, “Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day, I walk myself into a state of well-being & walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, & the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right.”

            I couldn’t agree more. Those small and simple steps added up to miraculous changes.

Chapter 5: Word of the Year

* I have hit a mental block each time I've tried to write beyond the first chapter of this book. That happened again today and I felt discouraged all over again. However, I don't want to quit this time.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon polishing the rough draft of chapter 5. I'm posting it now, even though I'm sure there will be changes in the future. (I actually added more detail and finished polishing it the next day!) I want to continue the momentum I've started, so I won't be going in order and I may only post fragments of a chapter in the future.

Choosing a Word of the Year is a guilt-free substitute for making New Year’s resolutions. For the past decade, I have chosen to look at life through the lens of a word, rather than making a list of resolutions in January. So far, my words have been: Joy (2010), Organize (2011), Decide (2012), Focus (2013), Balance (2014), Organize – again!(2105), Learn (2016), Perspective (2017), Peace (2018), and Temple (2019). It has been amazing to see how these words have literally shaped and changed my life each year.

In 2010, I was still struggling daily with debilitating depression. When I learned about this concept from a blog I followed, I took a leap of faith and chose joy as my word that year. In the fall, I started walking occasionally and began to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, and beauty of nature. I learned the powerful lesson that I can choose joy – even if I don't feel it yet. 

 In 2011, the word I chose was organize. That year, I gradually organized my life around three spiritual habits. Previously, the depression and anxiety I experienced caused me to fear leaving the house and my world became very small. In April, I returned to weekly church attendance and my world slowly expanded. In June, I began again to read daily in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Since I had developed my confidence with weekly church attendance, I was also able to begin attending the temple each week in the fall. 

In addition, I went through and consolidated my huge containers of clutter that were stored at my parents’ house before they left to serve a mission at BYU-Hawaii. I learned two important lessons relating to clutter during that year. First, having money to spend doesn't obligate you to spend that money on more stuff that you probably won't use. Second, I will never be satisfied by what I don't need. Therefore, I started learning to better distinguish between needs and wants.

 In 2012, the word I chose was decide. That year, I decided to deliberately build good foundational habits. For example, I chose to form the basic daily habits of flossing my teeth, doing the dishes, wiping our bathroom and kitchen counters, making our bed, doing floor exercises, and practicing the piano. Each time a habit became more automatic, I added the next and then the next. In August of that year, my husband told me he didn't share the same spiritual beliefs that I always thought he had. So I deliberately decided to be 100% in. I needed to be all in with loyalty to both my family and my faith, along with continued self-improvement.

In 2013, the word I chose was focus. During the previous three years, I developed enough confidence to begin turning the focus away from me and onto other people. That fall, I began to visit women in our neighborhood and began walking with a few of them, instead of just walking alone. I learned that what I focus on will grow. In 2014, I chose the word balance. During that year, I began to find the proper balance between reaching out to others and spending time at home.

During 2014 (and every year since), I learned more about weighing what is most valuable in the current moment. We each have a limited amount of time, money, and energy to spend – and it varies from person to person. I learned to evaluate whether I had more time, money, or energy and that would help me know how to allocate those in a more balanced way. I also learned to describe my energy in terms of time blocks or light bulbs. Family, friends, personal care, housework, hobbies, and church/community responsibilities each represent one energy block or light bulb. If I only had four energy blocks on a certain day, then I could only choose four of those areas to spend my time and energy on without becoming overly depleted.

In 2015, I chose the word organize again. I revisited this word by going through all the clutter containers that I brought home from my parents' house a second time. I learned to break big projects or overwhelming changes into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, when I organized my closet with clear containers on the shelves, then each item became more accessible and decluttering became less overwhelming. I also learned that having an "in process" section in my closet (for clothes that have been worn, but don't need to be washed yet) helped me avoid piling them elsewhere. 

External organization often affects me internally as well. In 2011, it created space in my heart for renewed spiritual habits. This time, it made space for me to return to college when our daughter started attending UVU that fall. In 2016, I continued that momentum by choosing the word learn. I attended college classes during all three semesters of that year and I even faced my fear of taking math again. We also made the decision to move across town and learned a lot as we began working with the builder in October.

 In 2017, I chose the word perspective. That year gave me many opportunities to develop new perspectives in different aspects of my life. We packed our belongings and moved from the home we had lived in for nineteen years. Our son was born shortly after we moved into that original home, so it was difficult to leave a home and neighborhood which held many years of memories for us. Perspective shifts also occurred as we adjusted to our life in a new home and neighborhood. Then I felt strongly prompted to withdraw from UVU a couple weeks after the fall semester began. That unexpected decision led to other adjustments in perspective, which included beginning marriage therapy with my husband and attempting to begin writing this book.

In 2018, I chose the word peace, which helped me learn to become more content with some of the perspective shifts of the previous year. In 2019, I chose the word temple and spent much more time worshiping in those sacred buildings. This also continued to increase my peace and develop my eternal perspective, which I will discuss more fully in the next chapter.

I neglected to choose a word for the first half of this year, partially because I became a grandma and then this unprecedented worldwide pandemic occurred. I began working with a life coach in April and I recently decided to choose the word remember for the remainder of this year. I would like to remember more fully what I’ve learned and overcome, but especially how God has blessed me through it all.