Chapter 5: Word of the Year

* I have hit a mental block each time I've tried to write beyond the first chapter of this book. That happened again today and I felt discouraged all over again. However, I don't want to quit this time.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon polishing the rough draft of chapter 5. I'm posting it now, even though I'm sure there will be changes in the future. (I actually added more detail and finished polishing it the next day!) I want to continue the momentum I've started, so I won't be going in order and I may only post fragments of a chapter in the future.

Choosing a Word of the Year is a guilt-free substitute for making New Year’s resolutions. For the past decade, I have chosen to look at life through the lens of a word, rather than making a list of resolutions in January. So far, my words have been: Joy (2010), Organize (2011), Decide (2012), Focus (2013), Balance (2014), Organize – again!(2105), Learn (2016), Perspective (2017), Peace (2018), and Temple (2019). It has been amazing to see how these words have literally shaped and changed my life each year.

In 2010, I was still struggling daily with debilitating depression. When I learned about this concept from a blog I followed, I took a leap of faith and chose joy as my word that year. In the fall, I started walking occasionally and began to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, and beauty of nature. I learned the powerful lesson that I can choose joy – even if I don't feel it yet. 

 In 2011, the word I chose was organize. That year, I gradually organized my life around three spiritual habits. Previously, the depression and anxiety I experienced caused me to fear leaving the house and my world became very small. In April, I returned to weekly church attendance and my world slowly expanded. In June, I began again to read daily in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Since I had developed my confidence with weekly church attendance, I was also able to begin attending the temple each week in the fall. 

In addition, I went through and consolidated my huge containers of clutter that were stored at my parents’ house before they left to serve a mission at BYU-Hawaii. I learned two important lessons relating to clutter during that year. First, having money to spend doesn't obligate you to spend that money on more stuff that you probably won't use. Second, I will never be satisfied by what I don't need. Therefore, I started learning to better distinguish between needs and wants.

 In 2012, the word I chose was decide. That year, I decided to deliberately build good foundational habits. For example, I chose to form the basic daily habits of flossing my teeth, doing the dishes, wiping our bathroom and kitchen counters, making our bed, doing floor exercises, and practicing the piano. Each time a habit became more automatic, I added the next and then the next. In August of that year, my husband told me he didn't share the same spiritual beliefs that I always thought he had. So I deliberately decided to be 100% in. I needed to be all in with loyalty to both my family and my faith, along with continued self-improvement.

In 2013, the word I chose was focus. During the previous three years, I developed enough confidence to begin turning the focus away from me and onto other people. That fall, I began to visit women in our neighborhood and began walking with a few of them, instead of just walking alone. I learned that what I focus on will grow. In 2014, I chose the word balance. During that year, I began to find the proper balance between reaching out to others and spending time at home.

During 2014 (and every year since), I learned more about weighing what is most valuable in the current moment. We each have a limited amount of time, money, and energy to spend – and it varies from person to person. I learned to evaluate whether I had more time, money, or energy and that would help me know how to allocate those in a more balanced way. I also learned to describe my energy in terms of time blocks or light bulbs. Family, friends, personal care, housework, hobbies, and church/community responsibilities each represent one energy block or light bulb. If I only had four energy blocks on a certain day, then I could only choose four of those areas to spend my time and energy on without becoming overly depleted.

In 2015, I chose the word organize again. I revisited this word by going through all the clutter containers that I brought home from my parents' house a second time. I learned to break big projects or overwhelming changes into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, when I organized my closet with clear containers on the shelves, then each item became more accessible and decluttering became less overwhelming. I also learned that having an "in process" section in my closet (for clothes that have been worn, but don't need to be washed yet) helped me avoid piling them elsewhere. 

External organization often affects me internally as well. In 2011, it created space in my heart for renewed spiritual habits. This time, it made space for me to return to college when our daughter started attending UVU that fall. In 2016, I continued that momentum by choosing the word learn. I attended college classes during all three semesters of that year and I even faced my fear of taking math again. We also made the decision to move across town and learned a lot as we began working with the builder in October.

 In 2017, I chose the word perspective. That year gave me many opportunities to develop new perspectives in different aspects of my life. We packed our belongings and moved from the home we had lived in for nineteen years. Our son was born shortly after we moved into that original home, so it was difficult to leave a home and neighborhood which held many years of memories for us. Perspective shifts also occurred as we adjusted to our life in a new home and neighborhood. Then I felt strongly prompted to withdraw from UVU a couple weeks after the fall semester began. That unexpected decision led to other adjustments in perspective, which included beginning marriage therapy with my husband and attempting to begin writing this book.

In 2018, I chose the word peace, which helped me learn to become more content with some of the perspective shifts of the previous year. In 2019, I chose the word temple and spent much more time worshiping in those sacred buildings. This also continued to increase my peace and develop my eternal perspective, which I will discuss more fully in the next chapter.

I neglected to choose a word for the first half of this year, partially because I became a grandma and then this unprecedented worldwide pandemic occurred. I began working with a life coach in April and I recently decided to choose the word remember for the remainder of this year. I would like to remember more fully what I’ve learned and overcome, but especially how God has blessed me through it all.

Chapter 1: The Messy Middle

* After several revisions in September 2019, this is the final draft of chapter one:

        I’m the oldest of five children, so I was expected to set a good example for my younger siblings and was frequently assigned the role of babysitter. Because my parents often served in church leadership positions, I also felt some pressure to be a good example for others who may be observing our family. I completed the Personal Progress program during my teenage years and earned the Young Womanhood Recognition award before graduating from high school. I graduated from seminary after attending four years of early morning classes before school and was regularly the class scripture chase champion. When I turned 21, I decided to serve a full-time proselyting mission and accepted a call to serve for eighteen months in the Pennsylvania Philadelphia Mission speaking English. I tried to serve faithfully during each of those months. A year after returning home, I married a returned missionary in the temple. We were blessed early in our marriage with a daughter and then a son. These could be considered as a set of culturally traditional events, as if a blueprint was followed for a successful, religion-centered life.

            My dad worked for the Church Education System during my first twenty years. Children of parents in the military sometimes refer to themselves as “military brats” because of the frequency of moving from place to place. In a similar way, I have referred to myself as a “C.E.S. brat” because we moved several times during my youth. I was born in Utah, we moved to upstate New York when I was two, back to Utah the summer before first grade, to northern Florida the summer before fifth grade, and to Colorado the summer before my senior year in high school. My dad was then hired to teach in the religion department at Brigham Young University for twenty more years, so our family made one last move back to Utah.

            On paper, it appears that I did all the “right” things while being raised in a religion-centered home. The automatic assumption may be that this combination would lead to a happy and successful life. There has been some happiness and a measure of success. However, being a human on this planet usually ends up feeling messy to one degree or another and life doesn’t always turn out like the original blueprint.

            While the previous description of my life is true, I have experienced different degrees of depression and anxiety during most of it, beginning in my youth. Because of that, my full-time mission experience was extremely difficult. My husband is one of the best people I know with a good and kind heart, but he no longer attends church with me or believes in the way I originally thought he did. Our children have both had significant health issues, one as a newborn baby and the other during an extended period in their youth. Both children are now adults and they try to be good and kind as well, but they also chose to stop attending church during their teenage years and no longer believe in the way we originally taught them. They have each experienced some depression and anxiety as well and have made some lifestyle choices that are sometimes difficult for me to understand. In addition to the emotional struggles I’ve experienced and the challenges our family has faced, I have also experienced some physical challenges and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013.

            The original title of this chapter was “Shiblon Meets the Messy Middle”. You may understand a little more of what I mean by the messy middle. But what about Shiblon? Who is he and why am I including him in this first chapter? We read about Shiblon in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Most of what we know about him is found in Alma 38. In this chapter, we learn that Shiblon is the middle son and his father, Alma, is speaking with him. Verse 2 reads, “And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end.”

            The reason I appreciate Shiblon is that he is steady, even though his life isn’t easy. His older brother, Helaman, becomes a prophet and a successful military leader. Helaman’s story is told in many of the later chapters of Alma. His younger brother, Corianton, made moral mistakes as a missionary and Alma spends several chapters explaining the gospel to strengthen him. Not as much is written about Shiblon and that makes me want to pay closer attention to it.

            In verses 3 and 4, we learn that Shiblon had difficult experiences on his mission. The end of verse 4 reads, “and thou didst bear all these things with patience because the Lord was with thee; and now thou knowest that the Lord did deliver thee.” In verse 5, Alma gives him (and us) some important counsel: “…I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”

            In verse 9, Alma powerfully concludes a brief summary of his conversion story by saying, “…I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world. Behold, he is the word of truth and righteousness.” In verse 10, Alma counsels Shiblon to “…be diligent and temperate in all things.” In verse 11, he continues: “See that ye are not lifted up into pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength.” In verse 12, Alma leaves him with this counsel: “Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.”

            I love these words of advice to this middle, sometimes overlooked, son. Be steady and faithful in enduring to the end throughout your life. Remember to trust the Lord and He will deliver and protect you from the trials, troubles, and afflictions--which will inevitably come to all of us. Look to God and to salvation through Christ, which will come because of their righteousness (see 2 Nephi 2:3). We can’t save ourselves, but we can do our best to be diligent, obedient, humble, and temperate in the process.

            While teaching a Relief Society lesson to the women in our church congregation, I shared a quote from President Benson, which sheds light on Alma 38:10. “[A temperate person] is restrained in his emotions and verbal expressions. He does things in moderation and is not given to overindulgence. In a word, he has self-control. He is the master of his emotions, not the other way around” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 302). That explanation was powerful for me and helped me understand why I appreciate Shiblon’s steadiness so much. The longer I live, the more I realize that if I am out of balance in any aspect of my life (spiritually, emotionally, socially, or physically), it will contribute to the current struggle. The answer is always to get centered back on Christ and to focus more fully on developing the attributes that He exemplifies.

            In another often quoted scripture from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Helaman 5:12 addresses this, along with the idea I originally discussed about balance: “…remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds… yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” I focus a little more when a scripture is prefaced with the word “remember” twice.

                Emily Freeman, one of my favorite authors, wrote: “In our moments of greatest worry, we must turn to the Savior. He knows how to get us through the middle moments because He has experienced them Himself” (Making it Through the Middle, p. 30). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explains: “It is in our weakness and extremity that God’s power is fully felt. Only when, of ourselves, we are helpless is His help truly appreciated” (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 31). Emily’s sister shared this insight with her, “Sometimes He refines us in ways we might not have wanted because He needs to use us in ways we might not have thought.” (Making it Through the Middle, 48).

            If all of that sounds overwhelming to you, here is some wise counsel from Emily, “I realized I needed to stop and take note of how far I had come, how much I had grown. I needed to recognize that the Lord was moving me toward the promise even if the progress was taking longer than I thought it should.” She discovered a passage that I also discovered back in 2001: “…They began to prosper by degrees…” (Mosiah 21:16). She continued, “We have to learn to wait on the Lord… We must also remember that sometimes the miracle doesn’t come all at once—sometimes it comes by degrees. Through this process…we become sanctified…. The miracle you seek may not be discernable from the middle of the journey” (Making it Through the Middle, 13-15). She concludes, “We come to know the Savior best in the moments when we need Him most” (Making it Through the Middle, back cover). I add my witness that we can trust in God who is working on the miracle behind the scenes, even when we don’t have any idea how our difficult experience will ever work out.  

Book beginnings

* I have been writing again! I'm updating the progress with a link next to each chapter or section, since I haven't written in order. It's a work in progress - but it's finally growing!!

***

I worked on the outlines, table of contents, and beginning of my potential book back in late July, August, and early September of last year.

After that, I spent September through November finishing my last semester at UVU, which included writing the final research paper on perfectionism for my English 2010 writing class. (I posted that in 5 parts during December and January.) I finally earned an associate degree after four years of attending UVU off and on. When I received my diploma in late February, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I graduated with "high honors." That gave my confidence a small boost.

Since then, I have focused most of my attention on family history work, organization, and spending lots of time with our daughter and baby grandson. This week, I have cleared out my inbox for the first time in a couple of years and have revisited the original outlines for my book.

From those outlines, I developed this table of contents on September 3rd of last year:

Table of Contents 

Title Page / Dedication / Acknowledgements (Posted on August 2, 2020)

Preface (Posted on July 17, 2020)

[Original introduction / disclaimer] (Posted on July 18, 2020)

Introduction: The Journey Begins

·         Part 1: Finding Balance (Posted on November 24, 2019)

1.         The Messy Middle (Posted on July 10, 2020)

2.        A Formula for Balance (Posted on July 14, 2020)

3.        Gradually Replacing Negative with Positive (Posted on July 12, 2020)

4.        Be Present [Original title: Daily Bread] (Posted on July 15, 2020)

5.        Word of the Year (Posted on July 10, 2020)

6.        Perspective and Peace (Posted on July 11, 2020)

·         Part 2: Overcoming Obstacles ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on July 16, 2020)

7.         Opposition in All Things (Posted on July 16, 2020)

8.        Living Productively with Mental Illness (Posted on July 16, 2020)

9.        Walking Therapy (Posted on July 17, 2020)

10.      Developing Coping Skills (Posted on July 18 and 19, 2020)

11.      Perfectionism vs. Perfection (Posted on July 21, 2020)

12.      Dealing with Disappointment (Posted on July 22 and 23, 2020)

13.      Setting Expectations and Boundaries (Posted on July 20, 2020)

14.      Learning to Honor Agency (Posted on July 12, 2020)

15.      Compensatory Blessings (Posted on July 19 and 22, 2020)

·         Part 3: Reaching Out to Others with Love ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on July 24, 2020)

16.      Connection is Critical (Posted on July 27 and 28, 2020)

17.      Divine Intersections (Posted on July 29, 2020 and August 15, 2020)

18.      Spheres of Influence (Posted on July 20, 2020 and August 15, 2020)

19.      Do What You Can Do (Posted on July 13 and 23, 2020)

20.      Observe and Serve (Posted on July 26, 2020)

21.      Leaving the Comfort Zone (Posted on July 25, 2020)

22.      The Importance of Authenticity (Posted on July 31, 2020)

23.      Daring to Be Vulnerable (Posted on July 26 and 28, 2020)

24.      Focusing Less on Outcomes (Posted part 1 on July 30, 2020; posted part 2 on July 31, 2020)

·         Part 4: Seek Learning by Study and Prayer ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on August 1, 2020)

25.      Lifelong Learning (Posted on August 3-4, 2020; posted part 2 and pictures on August 15, 2020)

26.      Spiritual Learning (Posted on August 13, 2020)

27.      Faith, Prayer, and Miracles [Original title: Faith Precedes Miracles] (Posted on August 7, 2020)

28.      Personal Revelation and Possibilities (Posted on August 16-17, 2020)

·         Part 5: Part of Something Bigger Than Self (Overview of this part of journey) (Posted on August 14, 2020)

29.       A Growing and Evolving Testimony [Original title: Growth and Evolution of Testimony - changed on August 15, 2020] (Posted on August 16-17, 2020)

30.      Grace and Gratitude (Posted on August 16 and 18, 2020)

31.      Being Tutored in the Temple (Posted on August 8, 2020)

32.      Family History Fun [originally chapter 31] (Posted on August 9, 2020; posted part 2 on August 11, 2020; posted part 3 on August 12, 2020)

33.      Never Too Late [originally chapter 25] (Posted on August 10, 2020)

34.      Eternal Progression – The Journey Continues (Posted on August 14, 2020)

Appendix A – Perfectionism (English 2010 final paper)

Appendix B – Depression

Appendix C – More Insights on Mental Illness
Appendix D – Examples of Positive Playlists (Posted on July 18-19, 2020)

Sources

* My overall plan was this:

• Short chapters: between 2 and 5 pages long (some of them have ended to be much longer than that and I'm not sure if that's a problem or not) 
• The chapters on "Finding Balance" in part 1 are more like the overarching lessons I've learned after going through so many challenges. 
• Parts 2-3 ("Overcoming Obstacles" and "Reaching out to Others with Love") will return to the struggles. 
•  Parts 4-5 ("Seek Learning by Study and Prayer" and "Part of Something Bigger Than Self") will continue the overarching lessons.

Positive Change

I enjoyed a free 40 minute call with an organization coach that I was prompted to seek out earlier this week. I told her that I wanted to write the book that everyone has encouraged me to write over the past few years. However, I felt like I needed to get my pictures, emails, and files organized before I continued working on it. She posed the question, "What if that's not true?" She elaborated, "What if you could just start right now and write ten minutes each day?" That instantly made this goal feel possible to me for the first time in many months.

During the 13 paid coaching sessions I've had, the main theme that comes up is that I don't feel capable. I don't feel confident in myself to make lasting change. And I don't really like myself because of those flawed beliefs. I'm gradually learning to replace those thoughts with more useful ones.

I woke up early this morning and decided to make another Spark reminder for myself:

Anchored

Here are a couple more insights I've learned recently about thoughts and feelings.

• There are four parts to every conversation:

1. What we say or what they say. (circumstance or fact)
2. What we mean or what they mean.
3. What they hear or what we hear.
4. What they make it mean or what we make it mean.

What we make a circumstance mean is the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us.

If the thought isn't serving us and helping us show up as the person we want to be, then we can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought.

This is easier said, than done. However, it is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of practice.

• Remember, the "self-coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life.

We may sometimes feel that an unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers are FEELINGS that come from our thoughts about circumstances (the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that can help us understand our thinking better.

We can learn to feel and release negative emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to be through the help of our Savior.

I have an anchor hanging on the wall just above the floor in my office to remind me of the importance of staying anchored in truth. This scripture from the Bible is written on it: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).

Here are a few pictures of that anchor, along with some of our family:

Our daughter and grandson

Grandpa time

Playing in my office

Me with our grandson on a Sunday afternoon

An example of how this works is the situation with our grandson. Our unmarried daughter told me she was pregnant last year on mother's day. (That is the circumstance, which is neutral.) 

I spent a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future (thoughts) and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother (feelings). I finally decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could (that was showing up how I wanted to in the situation). 

Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I'm grateful that I chose to stay anchored in truth. 

My good friend gave me the saying behind us: "It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you don't stop." That phrase has served me well during all the changes I've made over the past decade. It will continue to help me as I'm learning to choose my thoughts and feelings more automatically.

Self-coaching reminders about feelings

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.)

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

I've learned that I'm not a fan of "feeling my feelings." That has been the most difficult part of coaching so far. However, I am understanding the importance of this part of the process more and more. 

This is the middle part of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

This Spark is a short way to remind myself that I need to notice my thoughts and then FEEL my feelings.

I'm learning that being willing to be vulnerable and honest about the things I don't like about myself brings them out into the light. From shame to acceptance. That's when change and growth can finally happen. Cracking open hurts, but that's when healing can begin. 

The background of this Spark is the lock screen wallpaper from my old Android phone. 

It reminds me of the Tree of Life with Living Water flowing from it. (Both are powerful symbols to me of Jesus Christ.) The only way I can truly change is through His grace.  

"Opposite action" (which basically means "feel the fear and do it anyway") is something I worked on a lot prior to the pandemic. Staying home 98% of the time over the past 3.5 months has made that more difficult for me. I won't give up though!

 This is the right side of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

I'm learning that I have a tendency to absorb the stress of other people. (That's the tricky balance with empathy.) I'm working on understanding my own thoughts and feelings, so I can choose the way I want to think and feel, which returns the emotional power back to me. 

This beautiful scene is somewhere in Colorado. 

There will always be emotional pain in life. We can choose to layer it with more negative emotion or we can learn to cope with it in ways that lead to peace. 

Truth is truth, whether it's found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I'm so grateful for powerful, life-changing thoughts that will gradually become my own with practice. 

Self-coaching reminders about thoughts

I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.) 

This is Lake Tekapo in New Zealand. 

I've never been there, but it just looked so peaceful to me. Plus, I love purple flowers. 

This is Crested Butte, Colorado. 

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

Therefore, whatever result I'm experiencing in life always references back to the thought. Thoughts are optional because we can learn to choose however we want to think about any circumstance. 

Actions are either something I am or am NOT doing because of my thoughts and feelings about a circumstance. Therefore, INACTION is still an action. 

Here are two more ways to describe a thought. 

Do you remember this example from psychology class? 

At first, you may only see a young woman or an old woman. But if you focus on seeing something different, eventually the other woman appears. After that, it's not difficult to notice both at the same time. 

I have heard this called a paradigm shift and it's the shift I'm trying to focus on with my thinking. 

This is another perception example from psychology class. 

Because of agency and "opposition in all things" there are always at least two opposing thoughts in each situation that can both seem true. The trick is to choose the one that best serves you in the life you want to have. I'm looking forward to the day when that becomes more automatic for me.

This is the only way to safely bring thoughts into the light for examination. 

This is Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.  

(I created this from a panoramic photo I found, so it's the left side of the picture. 

The other two parts of the picture are used in the following post about feelings.)

I'm slowly learning to apply these new ways of thinking in my life. It takes a lot of practice.