Chapter 24: Focusing Less on Outcomes (part 2)

            I attended the luncheon afterward to help serve dessert. While I was there, I met Dee’s sister-in-law and sat at a table with one of Janell’s nieces and her family. That helped me feel more connected to Janell. As I mentioned earlier, I met Janell’s half-sister on the day we found out about her death in April. Over the months that followed, we kept in touch by text and email. I also treated her to lunch and I appreciated the opportunity to talk with her again in person. She reminded me that Janell talked about our walks often. She felt that no one did more to help Janell be happy than I did before she died. I was so thankful for that privilege and opportunity that God gave me! About two weeks after our lunch, Janell’s husband died suddenly in mid-August 2014. I don’t think the timing of our lunch was a coincidence. Because we were now friends, I stood by her and her family at Dee’s graveside service. His ashes were placed in the grave with their daughter and Janell’s ashes had previously been placed in the grave with their son. After the service, I talked with the daughter of Janell’s half-sister and her two children. I don’t think that as a coincidence either.

            I ended up visiting Janell’s half-sister and niece several times in Saratoga Springs. I also met Janell’s niece for lunch a few times. They had returned to Utah from Seattle within that past year and, while they were up there, they became active in the church again because of the kindness of missionaries and several members of their ward. God obviously knew they would need to continue to feel His love after they returned to Utah, so I think that was also part of the reason I was supposed to knock on Janell’s door. Otherwise, I probably would have never met them, since they live 30 minutes away from me. My friendship with Janell’s niece continued and we met at the temple several times. This strengthened her to deal with some difficult circumstances in her life and it was also good preparation for when we did Janell’s temple work on May 12, 2015. I was so grateful for the privilege of being with Janell’s niece when she did the initiatory and endowment for her aunt that I loved. At one point, I just held Janell’s temple card to my heart and hugged it because I loved and missed her so much. That day was filled with feelings of great joy. The Lord had clearly been orchestrating this whole situation from the beginning. There is more to this story, but I will continue telling it in a future chapter.

 ***

            Meanwhile, I continued to visit women in our stake. I visited one woman on May 7, 2014 (which was 15 days after Janell passed away). During our visit, she asked me to try to help her daughter, who had also struggled with serious depression for over 20 years. I knocked on her daughter’s door each of the following days and she finally opened the door four days later on May 12th (which was exactly one year prior to the day that Janell’s niece and I completed her temple work). She invited me in and we quickly became friends. She was extremely overweight and deeply depressed, so we started walking together when she returned home from work on most days. Janell and I had walked in the afternoons as well, so each walk helped to heal my heart. Most of the time, this friend picked me up after she decompressed from work and we usually drove up the canyon to walk by the river. That beautiful, relaxing atmosphere was the perfect venue for gradual changes in her life

            I learned more about her life each time we walked and talked. She self-harmed by cutting her arms for several years and both arms were covered with scars. She was the middle daughter in a family of nine children and felt neglected on several levels. She had been in a relationship with a verbally abusive boyfriend for a few years and didn’t stand up for herself because she felt that she didn’t deserve to be treated any differently. She stayed in the relationship because her boyfriend had MS and his health was progressively deteriorating, so it gave her life some purpose to help take care of him. When they started dating, he asked her to stop cutting and she did, so she also felt indebted to him for that. She was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to depression, and that manifested itself in several other ways. She constantly dyed her hair different colors and would often wear different styles of wigs over her hair as well. She eventually shaved her hair completely and continued to just wear wigs instead. As I observed this over several months, I realized that it was probably because her hair was one of the only things about her life she had any control over. She also had limited money management skills and spent most of her paychecks on clothes, purses, and eating out. She often let her mail pile up and wouldn’t open her bills, so she was sent to collections several times, along with some of her wages being garnished.

            I tried to help her through some of those difficult circumstances with varying degrees of success over the following 2 ½ years. After knowing her for a couple of weeks, I felt prompted to suggest that if she stopped eating out for most of her meals, she would have enough money to pay all her bills, she could start paying tithing if she wanted to, and would probably lose some weight as well. I’m normally not quite that bold! She actually listened to me, even though she could have easily chosen to be very offended. As a result, she lost 70 pounds during the next year and felt better emotionally because of our regular walking. She sometimes forgot to fill her prescriptions, so I always offered to go with her to make sure she picked them up, since it was very important for her mental stability. I often walked over to her basement apartment to visit her and helped her redecorate in August 2015. She chose some of her favorite patterns from my scrapbook paper and I cut out large letters to make an uplifting saying for her bedroom wall, at her request. The phrase she chose was, “When you learn you grow. When you grow you change.”

            She was stable enough to have the same full-time job for several years, which was a huge accomplishment. However, she constantly struggled with her finances. After about a year of watching her flounder, I asked if she would like some help, since I have a talent of keeping track of our finances. I helped her make a budget, but she struggled to follow it. I showed her how she could pay off some of her credit cards and even went with her to the bank, but she always maxed out the balances again. After a few weeks, we decided to add her accounts on my Quicken program, so I could help her track her spending. She made progress for a few days and then she would blow all her money on wigs or purses. This pattern occurred frequently and it was frustrating for me, but I continued to try to help her. I discovered during this time that she always remembered to pay her car payment. I asked her why that was different and she explained that the title was in her boyfriend’s name, since she couldn’t qualify for a loan, and she didn’t want to ruin his credit. I realized that the car was another way he could control her. So we worked on several different plans for her to pay off the loan and then she could arrange to have the title transferred to her name. During this same time, I tried to build up her confidence even more than I had in the past and tried to convince her that she deserved to be treated well. She started to believe me, but  never felt like she could break up with her boyfriend because that would include returning the car and she had no way to pay for one herself. Each time she would return from spending the weekend with him, it took me days to build her back up again. That became more and more difficult the longer it went on.  

            In August 2015, I felt strongly that I needed to help her in a way I hadn’t before. I made a few judgement calls to help her pay off and close some of her credit cards, so she could pay down the car loan faster. Then we made a simple plan for her to consistently pay me back over the coming months as well. It worked for about five paychecks and then she found ways to start blowing her money again. The more I tried to help her, the more things spiraled. By October 2015, it looked like I would never get the remaining $1,500 back and that really discouraged me because I thought I had followed promptings. I was also sad because she gained back most of the weight she lost over the previous year. I returned to college that semester, so I didn’t have as much time to spend and she pulled back as well. She rented from a family member and they decided to move, so that meant she had to find a new place to live also. I helped her declutter, clean, and pack up her apartment in late spring 2016 and then helped her move into another small basement apartment in June 2016. I visited her a couple of times to help her get organized, but I didn’t find her home much after that. One time, I did find her home and I spontaneously took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. We talked about how she was feeling in the relationship with her boyfriend and she had finally decided to break up with him. She was scared about the retaliation, though, so we discussed a few different scenarios. I didn’t see her much during fall 2016 and I worried about her, but couldn’t force her to communicate with me.

            During that time, she started dating another guy. He encouraged her to grow her hair back out and to stop hiding behind wigs. He also helped her return the car to her ex-boyfriend late one night with an apology note that she wasn’t able to continue paying on the loan. He comforted her through her episodes of depression and encouraged her in other ways as well. They found an inexpensive car to share and she ended up moving out in January 2017. She texted to ask me for money, but I had to tell her no, which I felt bad about. I just couldn’t afford to lose more than I already had. They rented a small house in a poor, kind of scary, neighborhood in Salt Lake county and began living together from then on. I drove up to treat her to a birthday lunch in December 2017 and she still seemed to be doing okay. She surprised me by sending a wedding announcement in August 2018. I helped served lunch at the church, attended the wedding in her parents’ back yard, and stayed to help with refreshments during the reception that evening. That was the last time I saw her and I hope she’s doing well, since she doesn’t respond to my texts. I sometimes think back to the early days of our friendship when she told people that “God dropped me on her doorstep.” I do believe I was in her life to help her in the ways I could and I’m grateful for the time we shared together.

***

            During my visiting journey, I met three other women who struggled deeply with depression and needed a significant amount of support. Two of them were single and both of their moms passed away during the time I was trying to help them. I stood and sat by one of them at the viewing, funeral, graveside service, and luncheon to try to be supportive. Both were borderline hoarders and I spent several months during summer and fall 2017 helping one of them organize the basement of her parents’ house where she still lived. However, every time I went back over, the progress from the previous time had disappeared. It drained my energy and was very discouraging, so I eventually had to take a step back from helping her in that way. However, I did help her move all her preschool equipment twice, which took several days each time. I also helped the other woman move into an apartment in Provo. I walked and talked with them as much as they would allow me to and that seemed to help their emotional state. One of them earned her master’s degree online during those years and is now employed part-time as a therapist. I earned my associate degree during that same time frame, so we encouraged each other through the almost constant stress we both felt. These two women still struggle and have ongoing challenges, but I was grateful for the opportunity to help in whatever way I could over several years.

            The third woman moved from our ward after she and her husband retired. While she still lived in our neighborhood, she struggled with depression and debilitating anxiety for many years. She had complications from a hip surgery that made it difficult for her to walk and also suffered from congestive heart disease. After they moved to a retirement community in Pleasant Grove, her anxiety and depression became even more difficult for her to bear. One day in 2015, I was driving to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple and felt prompted to text her. I stopped by the next time I was in her area and that began the extensive amount of time I spent in her home trying to uplift and comfort her. She often texted me in between the visits and I tried to give her hope until the next visit. She was too anxious to drive very far and feeling trapped at home was part of her struggle. Sometimes her husband dropped her off at a hair salon and I would sit with her to keep her company. Then I would drive her back home. I encouraged her to drive when I was there and just tried to keep her calm from the passenger seat. Often, we would drive to Subway or Purple Turtle for lunch that way. Two other times, I attended an appointment with her psychiatrist and also with her cardiologist to provide moral support.

            After three years, nothing I did or said seemed to help for more than a couple hours. I felt exhausted trying to balance my visits with her, helping two of the women I wrote about previously, keeping up with my college classes, attending the temple regularly, and trying to still have time for my family. Finally, I made the difficult decision to stop visiting her, but we still texted back and forth quite a bit for 1 ½ more years. She sent me a text on the night our grandson was born in January 2020 to tell me she was having heart bypass surgery the next day. I had a strong feeling that she wouldn’t survive the surgery, so I texted back that I would pray for her, told her again how much I loved her, and that I was grateful for our friendship. She passed away from complications later that week. I attended her funeral and couldn’t help but be grateful, even though I was sad, that she was finally free of the mental and physical challenges that had plagued her for so many years.

            My time with each of these women helped me to understand that it’s important to try not to worry about the results when you reach out to others. Kindness or service to others doesn’t need to end in a certain result for the kindness or service to matter. I believe that my kindness mattered to Janell even though that situation didn’t end at all like I hoped it would. I believe it mattered to the others also, even though I wasn’t able to do as much as I wanted to for them. In another type of service, missionaries spend most of their time planting seeds. The changes in people’s lives usually take a long time. I continue to remind myself to not be overly concerned with the outcome of my efforts.

Part 3: Reaching Out to Others With Love

* Last night, I printed out what I have written so far. I was so surprised to find that I have written approximately 65 double spaced pages now. I'm very grateful for the inspiration and obvious help I've been given as I have attempted to write. Writing is very difficult for me, but it has flowed much easier this time around, which has been such a relief. So, I'm just going to continue posting what I write each day. When I have a complete draft, I will then go back and try to make additional improvements. 

(I revisited this post on August 15, 2020 to add the song lyrics and content at the end.) 

            As I’ve mentioned in previous chapters, my husband told me he didn’t believe in August 2012. I had a hard time understanding and reconciling that for the following months. Then I became very depressed again in April 2013. However, I kept functioning. That’s how I knew it was a type of mourning, rather than clinical depression resurfacing. One evening, I prayed to know what more I could do to move past this feeling of sadness and loss – because I sincerely didn’t want to feel any kind of adversarial feelings toward my husband. I distinctly heard the words in my head, “you need to know more people in the stake.” (A stake is several congregations within a geographic area.) That seemed like an odd thought on several levels – and I knew it hadn’t come from me.

            At that point, I was still just walking to destinations. I had very limited social interaction and thought it would have been more reasonable to just know more people in my cul-de-sac or neighborhood.  However, I knew what I heard, so I tried to figure out how to proceed. As I worked to follow that prompting, the evidence for it grew. At first, I thought that I was continuing to overcome my social anxiety and depression through visiting people. And that was true. But it became more and more clear as time went on that one of the reasons was to find the individual friends I needed to help me through current and future challenges. I would later understand that the Lord would also be able to help those friends through me. I will share specific examples of this in the following chapters.

            In April 1992, about a year prior to my official missionary service, Marvin J. Ashton gave some wise counsel that has influenced me throughout my life. He began, “Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again.” He then gave a description that has been helpful to me ever since. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” That quote was taped to the wall next to my bed during the entire 18 months of my full-time mission.

            He continued, “ None of us need one more person... pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends…. brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses.” He concluded, “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people. ...Be one who nurtures and who builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them” (“The Tongue Can be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992).

            These are guiding principles I tried to follow when I reached out to people during my visiting journey and as I continue to interact with people in all areas of my life. I am also very grateful when people choose to treat me this way. It inspires me to continue improving as I attempt to reach out to others in love and kindness.

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Say Love” (on the CD also titled Say Love, 2013). I share the lyrics with her permission:

A picture might be worth a thousand words,

but a heart can be changed with one.

Lives are shaped and minds are changed

by what is said and what is not.

There’s a shortage in this world of “I believe in you’s”

and somebody, somewhere needs some.

So say love, only love…

We all give words away.

Doesn’t cost anyone a dime.

But everybody knows there’s a price to be paid

when the words are something less than kind.

So say love, only love…

I still remember every word that you said to me

when I was falling down…

How it lifted me up… How it lifted me…

So say love. 

You never know who might need it… Say love. 

            Even though those original visits are over, I want to always reach out to others in love and friendship. I hope it will be my way of life forever. I try to remind myself that the original mission of the church was to “strengthen the saints, proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, and care for the poor and the needy.”  Now, we often talk about how important it is to “hasten the work of salvation.”  For me, that means I can just increase my efforts in any of those areas in small and simple ways each day. Which basically just translates to reaching out to others in love.  

Self-coaching reminders 3

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up for awhile and make two more Spark reminders for myself.

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.

Realistic Progress

* Below are some low-tech drawings for a presentation I was asked to give a few years ago. I may include this in my book also. (I added them to Chapter 11 on July 21, 2020.)

I believe “our best” is different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction. I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

***

Here is another way to look at progress that I learned during one of my therapy sessions last year. Even though you feel like you aren’t progressing, you still are and things will feel better soon. 

My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when you’re in the downward part of the loop, just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly. 

Chapter 1: The Messy Middle

* After several revisions in September 2019, this is the final draft of chapter one:

        I’m the oldest of five children, so I was expected to set a good example for my younger siblings and was frequently assigned the role of babysitter. Because my parents often served in church leadership positions, I also felt some pressure to be a good example for others who may be observing our family. I completed the Personal Progress program during my teenage years and earned the Young Womanhood Recognition award before graduating from high school. I graduated from seminary after attending four years of early morning classes before school and was regularly the class scripture chase champion. When I turned 21, I decided to serve a full-time proselyting mission and accepted a call to serve for eighteen months in the Pennsylvania Philadelphia Mission speaking English. I tried to serve faithfully during each of those months. A year after returning home, I married a returned missionary in the temple. We were blessed early in our marriage with a daughter and then a son. These could be considered as a set of culturally traditional events, as if a blueprint was followed for a successful, religion-centered life.

            My dad worked for the Church Education System during my first twenty years. Children of parents in the military sometimes refer to themselves as “military brats” because of the frequency of moving from place to place. In a similar way, I have referred to myself as a “C.E.S. brat” because we moved several times during my youth. I was born in Utah, we moved to upstate New York when I was two, back to Utah the summer before first grade, to northern Florida the summer before fifth grade, and to Colorado the summer before my senior year in high school. My dad was then hired to teach in the religion department at Brigham Young University for twenty more years, so our family made one last move back to Utah.

            On paper, it appears that I did all the “right” things while being raised in a religion-centered home. The automatic assumption may be that this combination would lead to a happy and successful life. There has been some happiness and a measure of success. However, being a human on this planet usually ends up feeling messy to one degree or another and life doesn’t always turn out like the original blueprint.

            While the previous description of my life is true, I have experienced different degrees of depression and anxiety during most of it, beginning in my youth. Because of that, my full-time mission experience was extremely difficult. My husband is one of the best people I know with a good and kind heart, but he no longer attends church with me or believes in the way I originally thought he did. Our children have both had significant health issues, one as a newborn baby and the other during an extended period in their youth. Both children are now adults and they try to be good and kind as well, but they also chose to stop attending church during their teenage years and no longer believe in the way we originally taught them. They have each experienced some depression and anxiety as well and have made some lifestyle choices that are sometimes difficult for me to understand. In addition to the emotional struggles I’ve experienced and the challenges our family has faced, I have also experienced some physical challenges and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013.

            The original title of this chapter was “Shiblon Meets the Messy Middle”. You may understand a little more of what I mean by the messy middle. But what about Shiblon? Who is he and why am I including him in this first chapter? We read about Shiblon in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Most of what we know about him is found in Alma 38. In this chapter, we learn that Shiblon is the middle son and his father, Alma, is speaking with him. Verse 2 reads, “And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end.”

            The reason I appreciate Shiblon is that he is steady, even though his life isn’t easy. His older brother, Helaman, becomes a prophet and a successful military leader. Helaman’s story is told in many of the later chapters of Alma. His younger brother, Corianton, made moral mistakes as a missionary and Alma spends several chapters explaining the gospel to strengthen him. Not as much is written about Shiblon and that makes me want to pay closer attention to it.

            In verses 3 and 4, we learn that Shiblon had difficult experiences on his mission. The end of verse 4 reads, “and thou didst bear all these things with patience because the Lord was with thee; and now thou knowest that the Lord did deliver thee.” In verse 5, Alma gives him (and us) some important counsel: “…I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”

            In verse 9, Alma powerfully concludes a brief summary of his conversion story by saying, “…I have told you this that ye may learn wisdom, that ye may learn of me that there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ. Behold, he is the life and the light of the world. Behold, he is the word of truth and righteousness.” In verse 10, Alma counsels Shiblon to “…be diligent and temperate in all things.” In verse 11, he continues: “See that ye are not lifted up into pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength.” In verse 12, Alma leaves him with this counsel: “Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.”

            I love these words of advice to this middle, sometimes overlooked, son. Be steady and faithful in enduring to the end throughout your life. Remember to trust the Lord and He will deliver and protect you from the trials, troubles, and afflictions--which will inevitably come to all of us. Look to God and to salvation through Christ, which will come because of their righteousness (see 2 Nephi 2:3). We can’t save ourselves, but we can do our best to be diligent, obedient, humble, and temperate in the process.

            While teaching a Relief Society lesson to the women in our church congregation, I shared a quote from President Benson, which sheds light on Alma 38:10. “[A temperate person] is restrained in his emotions and verbal expressions. He does things in moderation and is not given to overindulgence. In a word, he has self-control. He is the master of his emotions, not the other way around” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 302). That explanation was powerful for me and helped me understand why I appreciate Shiblon’s steadiness so much. The longer I live, the more I realize that if I am out of balance in any aspect of my life (spiritually, emotionally, socially, or physically), it will contribute to the current struggle. The answer is always to get centered back on Christ and to focus more fully on developing the attributes that He exemplifies.

            In another often quoted scripture from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Helaman 5:12 addresses this, along with the idea I originally discussed about balance: “…remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds… yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” I focus a little more when a scripture is prefaced with the word “remember” twice.

                Emily Freeman, one of my favorite authors, wrote: “In our moments of greatest worry, we must turn to the Savior. He knows how to get us through the middle moments because He has experienced them Himself” (Making it Through the Middle, p. 30). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explains: “It is in our weakness and extremity that God’s power is fully felt. Only when, of ourselves, we are helpless is His help truly appreciated” (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 31). Emily’s sister shared this insight with her, “Sometimes He refines us in ways we might not have wanted because He needs to use us in ways we might not have thought.” (Making it Through the Middle, 48).

            If all of that sounds overwhelming to you, here is some wise counsel from Emily, “I realized I needed to stop and take note of how far I had come, how much I had grown. I needed to recognize that the Lord was moving me toward the promise even if the progress was taking longer than I thought it should.” She discovered a passage that I also discovered back in 2001: “…They began to prosper by degrees…” (Mosiah 21:16). She continued, “We have to learn to wait on the Lord… We must also remember that sometimes the miracle doesn’t come all at once—sometimes it comes by degrees. Through this process…we become sanctified…. The miracle you seek may not be discernable from the middle of the journey” (Making it Through the Middle, 13-15). She concludes, “We come to know the Savior best in the moments when we need Him most” (Making it Through the Middle, back cover). I add my witness that we can trust in God who is working on the miracle behind the scenes, even when we don’t have any idea how our difficult experience will ever work out.