Chapter 31: Being Tutored in the Temple

 

                I have heard the counsel to “begin with the end in mind” in both secular and religious venues. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, everything we do leads us to the temple. Temples are a place where we worship in a higher and holier way than even our Sunday worship services. In the temple, each adult receives a gift of spiritual knowledge and makes sacred covenants with God in an ordinance called an endowment. In each endowment session, we watch a movie which depicts God’s creation of the earth and then we learn more about the experience of Adam and Eve. The whole ordinance is centered on the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for each of us. It is a place where couples are married “for time and all eternity” by the power of the Priesthood in an ordinance which is called a sealing. The words “until death do you part” are not included in that ceremony. After we have received our own endowment and made our covenants personally, we are able to then act as proxy for our ancestors who died without receiving these ordinances. We give them this gift because we love them, but they are under no obligation to accept these ordinances in their behalf. A high standard of morality in thought and action are required of each person who enters these holy buildings and we wear a sacred undergarment to remind us throughout each day of the covenants we’ve made there. Every temple is dedicated to the Lord after an open house for the general public. Next to the entrance of each temple is inscribed “The House of the Lord – Holiness to the Lord.” Each person who enters the temple, changes into white temple clothes to symbolize purity. It also limits worldly distraction and helps us feel equal with each person there. I love being in the temple. A feeling of peace washes over me when I enter those doors and I feel very close to the Savior when I’m there.

            In April 2014, I had a special experience in the temple which let me know unmistakably that God, who I call my Heavenly Father, was aware of me and my circumstances. I attended the sealing of a friend’s daughter in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I was considering staying to do an endowment session, but I decided to return home instead. On the drive home, I was strongly prompted that I needed to briefly stop at our house to pick up my temple clothes and one of my friend’s family names, and go to the Provo Temple instead. That seemed strange to go from one temple to another, but I have learned not to doubt when I feel those promptings. For some reason, I had a question about a doctrinal issue during the session that I haven’t been bothered by before or since. At the end of the session, I asked one of the temple workers about it and her response was that I needed to talk to the temple president. That seemed a little drastic to me, but another temple worker responded the same way. A third temple worker explained that I needed to sign my name on a list and they would try to fit me into President Stone’s busy schedule.  It turned out that he was just sitting at his office desk with no appointments for 20 minutes and he immediately invited me in.

            I knew that he would probably ask me to share my thoughts about this concern and so I had come to a decision on what I would tell him. That is exactly how the conversation went. When I told him what I had decided, he leaned back in his chair and looked at me for a few long seconds as he thought about what I had said. Then he smiled with a twinkle in his eye and surprised me by saying I had been given a gift and I should go with that inspiration. His reaction and counsel immediately wiped the concern from my mind. So I decided to be brave and ask him one more question about how I could best deal with the situation of my husband no longer believing or attending the temple with me. He “just happened” to have a brother and sister-in-law with a very similar circumstance and she was dealing with it in the same way I was – trying to continue on with my personal belief and worship. We talked about that for a few minutes as he continued to lean back in his chair. He then leaned forward, looked in my eyes, and very clearly told me that the Lord was pleased with me and that He knew I was doing the best I could with a difficult circumstance. I really needed to hear that because it was the day before General Conference and I have often felt discouraged in the past when I’m not able to follow the counsel that the prophet and apostles give as well as I would like to. As I walked out of the temple that afternoon, I realized I had just experienced another “divine intersection.” If I had stayed longer at home, I would have missed that 20 minute window of time where the temple president was available in his office. I was grateful for the reassurance I was given and felt it was coming straight from the Lord.

                As I mentioned before, the temple endowment is centered on the Savior’s atonement. On the last day I attended class in November 2018, one of my institute teachers encouraged me to focus specifically on the crucifixion of Christ (and its emphasis in modern scripture) in relation to the temple endowment. She challenged me to begin by reading a passage in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Jesus visited the people on the American continent after His crucifixion and taught them, “Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross: and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me…” (3 Nephi 27:14-15).

            I took her challenge seriously and that was the beginning of a very spiritual month filled with personal revelation as I tried to discover what aspect of the crucifixion she was referring to. On November 14^th, I asked for some further light and knowledge as I sat in the temple baptistry waiting for some ordinances to be completed. I was immediately reminded of another passage in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, which brought tears to my eyes. “...They may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me. (1 Nephi 21:15-16; see also Isaiah 49:15-16). I have loved that imagery ever since I discovered it earlier in my life.

            On November 16^th, I was waiting in the temple again and I looked up two other passages in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “...Moses... hath spoken concerning the coming of the Messiah. Yea, did he not bear record that the Son of God should come? And as he lifted up the brazen serpent in the wilderness, even so shall he be lifted up who should come. And as many as should look upon that serpent should live, even so as many as should look upon the Son of God with faith, having a contrite spirit, might live, even unto that life which is eternal” (Helaman 8:13-15). I have loved that symbolism ever since I first learned of it many years ago also. Christ being crucified and lifted up on the cross to suffer for our sins was a fulfillment of prophesy. I also love the power of looking to Him to live.

            During His visit to the people on the American continent, Christ invited them to “Arise and come forth unto me, that ye may thrust your hands into my side, and also that ye may feel the prints of the nails in my hands and in my feet, that ye may know that I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth, and have been slain for the sins of the world. And it came to pass that the multitude went forth… and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth, and did see with their eyes and did feel with their hands, and did know of a surety and did bear record, that it was he, of whom it was written by the prophets, that should come. And when they had all gone forth and had witnessed for themselves, they did cry out with one accord, saying: Hosanna! Blessed be the name of the Most High God! And they did fall down at the feet of Jesus, and did worship him” (3 Nephi 11:14-17). The marks of the nails are proof of His suffering and love for each of us individually.  I look forward to the day that I can worship Him in person as they did.

            I returned to the temple on November 17^th and, this time, I will share the exact words from my journal that evening. “I just finished an endowment session and I am so grateful for the answers I was given! I don't think they would have come had I not been so intent on looking for them the last two times I was at the temple…Here are my basic thoughts: The blessings of Christ's name, physical blessings, and blessings of Melchezidek Priesthood power in our families come through the nail marks of the Savior's crucifixion. It was His ultimate sacrifice to give us all the blessings that the Father has. And it's the last thing we think about before we enter into the presence of the Father. Wow! Personal revelation is so interesting. It seems so obvious after it comes. All of a sudden it is just placed in our mind.

            It makes these promises in the Doctrine and Covenants even more powerful: ‘And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel…’ ( Doctrine and Covenants 89:18-21).

            The importance of the Savior's name is emphasized in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. ‘…There shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent…. Believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…’ (Mosiah 3:17-19). As we submit our will to Heavenly Father, we are more fully following the example of Christ. As we follow the example of Christ and take upon us His name, we become more qualified to dwell in the presence of Him and the Father forever.

            I just looked up another passage in Doctrine and Covenants and almost fell out of my chair. ‘And the Lord confirmed a priesthood also upon Aaron and his seed, throughout all their generations, which priesthood also continueth and abideth forever with the priesthood which is after the holiest order of God. And this greater priesthood administereth the gospel and holdeth the key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the key of the knowledge of God. Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest. And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh; For without this no man can see the face of God, even the Father, and live’ (D&C 84:18-23). I have never made these connections before, especially since I usually stop before the last verse of that passage. Also, I didn't realize it until my card was stamped, but today is the 26th anniversary of when I received my endowments for the first time in the Jordan River Temple prior to my mission. My mom also received her endowments on this day 25 years earlier than I did. It's a big day in so many ways.”

            I returned to the temple on November 26^th to find out if there was anything else I needed to learn during this time of discovery. I realized that, as we consecrate all that we have and are, the blessings that Heavenly Father promises us are sure. The other thought I had during the session is that Christ had seven different wounds from the crucifixion: one on each hand, one on each wrist, one in his side, and one on each foot. For many years, I have associated the number seven with symbolizing eternal things. I was grateful to have this association validated by Alonzo Gaskill. “Seven is the most common of all symbolic numbers….It represents fulness, completion, wholeness, spiritual perfection, and (entirety or) totality. In Egypt it symbolized eternal life.” (The Lost Language of Symbolism: An Essential Guide For Recognizing and Interpreting Symbols of the Gospel, 343, 839). I attended another endowment session in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on December 21^st. As I passed through the veil and entered the celestial room, I noticed the other thing my teacher had mentioned to me. The molding on the ceiling looks very much like a huge cross. That was a neat way to end that learning experience – especially before celebrating Christmas.  

            My good friend and ministering sister sent me a quote in May 2019. It is from a chapter titled The Atoning Christ written by Terry and Fiona Givens. We previously discussed some of the a-ha moments I had experienced in the temple that year and this quote beautifully described what I learned. “The author of Hebrews invites the Christian to complete the pilgrim’s journey by entering into the presence of God himself—'to enter into the holiest.’…Entry into God’s presence can only be ‘by the blood of Christ.’… We effectively pass through Christ’s broken body… back into God’s presence. The Atonement is the pain-drenched portal through which alone access is to be found… The temple veil…becomes the physical counterpart to the body of Christ, through which we pass into the holiest place…. In our temples, as in the Jewish temple, the veil represents the portal into the divine presence. The temple veil, the emblem of Christ’s own flesh, was torn at the crucifixion, suggesting that only through the broken body of the atoning Savior was access into God’s presence possible for all” (The Christ Who Heals, 62). I also appreciated this insight about Christ’s crucifixion from Alonzo Gaskill’s book, “ The Gospel of Mark records… And the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom….Now we may by faith boldly enter into God’s presence” (The Lost Language of Symbolism: An Essential Guide For Recognizing and Interpreting Symbols of the Gospel, 749-750).

            Just as the endowment ordinance focuses on the crucifixion of the Savior, so does the sacrament ordinance during our worship service each Sunday. D. Todd Christofferson explains, “The symbolism of the sacrament of the Lord’s Supper is beautiful to contemplate. The bread and water represent the flesh and blood of Him who is the Bread of Life and the Living Water, poignantly reminding us of the price He paid to redeem us. As the bread is broken, we remember the Savior’s torn flesh. Elder Dallin H. Oaks once observed that ‘because it is broken and torn, each piece of bread is unique, just as the individuals who partake of it are unique. We all have different sins to repent of. We all have different needs to be strengthened through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, whom we remember in this ordinance.’ As we drink the water, we think of the blood He shed in Gethsemane and on the cross and its sanctifying power…. We resolve to be among ‘those who have washed their garments in [the Savior’s] blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.’… If we yearn to dwell in Christ and have Him dwell in us, then holiness is what we seek, in both body and spirit. We seek it in the temple, whereon is inscribed ‘Holiness to the Lord.’…We seek it each week as we delight in the Lord’s holy day. We seek it even in the details of daily living…Partaking of the (sacrament) means to put out of our lives anything inconsistent with a Christlike character and to make His attributes our own. This is the larger meaning of repentance: not only a turning away from past sin but also ‘a turning of the heart and will to God’ going forward… (“The Living Bread Which Came Down from Heaven,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            The temple endowment and the sacrament are interconnected ways to internalize and immerse ourselves in Christ's atonement. As a bishop once explained to me, these ordinances are “vertical” experiences.  It is a sacred time to personally commune with the Savior. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father sent His Son to save us. I'm grateful that the Savior's love and power can help us overcome any difficulty. I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost who testifies of both of them in powerful ways.  

Chapter 27: Faith, Prayer, and Miracles

 Yesterday, was a difficult day. The combination of several circumstances left me feeling helpless, resentful, and angry (which are all extremely uncomfortable emotions for me). I've also felt growing pressure to finish this book and hit another writer's block this week. I went to sleep last night feeling somewhat defeated. However, this morning, I fell to my knees and pleaded for help to get back on track. That help came and I'm so grateful. As I researched and wrote this chapter, I gradually felt my hope and confidence returning. 

            I experienced daily miracles during my experiences with visiting, family history work, and temple worship. I regularly received confidence and ability beyond my own. I often came home and shared these experiences with my family. I am so grateful for these miracles and have made it a point to celebrate them each time they occur. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song that contains this same idea. It's title is “Love Your Life” (from the Love Your Life CD, 2016) and I share part of the lyrics, with her permission:

…Celebrate the everyday miracles surrounding you and always assume the best

Do what you can, give everything you have then give God the rest

…And don’t be afraid to shine

…Go beyond your fears

Explore new ground

Be true to yourself

And when in doubt

Listen to your heart as it whispers where you need to go and always look up

Make somebody smile every chance you get and don’t forget

You’re already enough

…And give your dreams time…

            Two quotes that inspire me are originally attributed to Albert Einstein. The first is, “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” A good friend shared a way of saying this that resonates even more with me, “There are no coincidences. There are only miracles where God chooses to be anonymous.” The second quote is even more compelling: “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I choose to believe that all good fortune is a miracle. I have found that when I look for miracles, I find them scattered like God’s fingerprints throughout my day. When in doubt, I always give credit to God. I have written about some of these miracles and “divine intersections” in other chapters. In this chapter, I will focus on the doctrine behind those miracles.

            Ronald A. Rasband explained, “Our lives are like a chessboard, and the Lord moves us from one place to another—if we are responsive to spiritual promptings. Looking back, we can see His hand in our lives…. They are not by accident but by God’s plan. We can see such heavenly intervention when Nephi returns to get the plates from Laban. He 'was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things [that he] should do' (1 Nephi 4:6)…. Did Alma just happen upon Amulek? No, it was no coincidence that he went into the city by the way that would lead him to this faithful man who would (feed him and) become his missionary companion…. He who fashioned this world can calm the seas with His word and can steer both Alma and Amulek and Nephi and Laban to be at the right place at precisely the right time. Likewise, events and associations unfold in each of our lives that further God’s work on earth…. What may appear to be a random chance is, in fact, overseen by a loving Father in Heaven…. The Lord is in the small details of our lives, and those incidents and opportunities are to prepare us to lift our families and others… Remember, as the Lord said to Abraham, 'I know the end from the beginning; therefore my hand shall be over thee'" (Abraham 2:8).

            I have mentioned several of these experiences from my own life in this book and he shared a few from his. He continued, “Looking back, I realize I did not orchestrate any of those moves; the Lord did, just as He is orchestrating important moves for you and for those you love. What should you be looking for in your own life? What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, ‘I am right here’? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement. Sometimes we consider changes in our plans as missteps on our journey. Think of them more as first steps to being ‘on the Lord’s errand.’ …Heavenly Father can put us in situations with specific intent in mind. He has done so in my life, and He is doing so in yours…. Each of us is precious and loved by the Lord, who cares, who whispers, and who watches over us in ways unique to each of us. He is infinitely wiser and more powerful than mortal men and women. He knows our challenges, our triumphs, and the righteous desires of our hearts….The Lord loves to be with us. It is no coincidence that when you are feeling His Spirit and acting on first promptings that you feel Him as He promised: ‘I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.’”

                He continued with this explanation, “Now, where does our agency fit in a ‘divine design’? We have a choice to follow or to not follow our Savior… Not all that the Lord asks of us is a result of how strong we are, how faithful we are, or what we may know. Think of Saul, whom the Lord stopped on the road to Damascus. He was going the wrong direction in his life…. Saul was divinely redirected. When he was known later as Paul, his apostolic ministry reflected what the Lord already knew he was capable of doing and becoming, not what he had set out to do as Saul. In the same manner, the Lord knows what each of us is capable of doing and becoming. What did the Apostle Paul teach? ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). When we are righteous, willing, and able, when we are striving to be worthy and qualified, we progress to places we never imagined and become part of Heavenly Father’s ‘divine design.’ Each of us has divinity within us. When we see God working through us and with us, may we be encouraged, even grateful for that guidance. When our Father in Heaven said, ‘This is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man,’ He was talking about all of His children—you in particular. The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By ‘divine design,’ He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths.’ I testify that He will bless you, sustain you, and bring you peace" (“By Divine Design,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

          Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God not only loves (us), but he is ever mindful of (us) and of (our) needs…. God does nothing by chance, but always by design as a loving father…. William Law observed: ‘It is said that the very hairs of your head are all numbered; is it not to teach us that nothing, not the smallest things imaginable, happen to us by chance? But if the smallest things we can conceive of are declared to be under the divine direction, need we, or can we, be more plainly taught that the greatest things of life, such as the manner of our coming into the world, our parents, the time, and other circumstances of our birth and condition, are all according to the eternal purposes, direction, and appointment of divine Providence?’” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

            David A. Bednar explained, “Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Recall how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them comfortless. Not only would He send 'another Comforter' (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18). Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings” (“The Tender Mercies of the Lord,” Ensign, May 2005).

            I once gave a lesson about prayer to the women in our congregation. Prayer is a powerful way to invite miracles into our lives. Ezra Taft Benson testified, “God is mindful of us and ready to respond to our prayers when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is power in prayer. All things are possible through prayer. It was through prayer that the heavens were opened in this dispensation” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 54). When he was just 14 years old, Joseph Smith read this passage in James 1:5-6, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not [upbraid means: to criticize severely or find fault with]; and it shall be given him.  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering…”

            Ezra Taft Benson explained, “God does hear and answer prayers…. I know without any question that it is possible for men and women to reach out in humility and prayer and tap that Unseen Power; to have prayers answered. Man does not stand alone, or at least, he need not stand alone. Prayer will open doors; prayer will remove barriers; prayer will ease pressures; prayer will give inner peace and comfort during times of strain and stress and difficulty. Thank God for prayer. Even during hours of trial and anxiety, it is possible to draw close to the Lord, to feel of his influence and of his sustaining power—that one is never alone, if he will only humble himself before the Almighty. I am grateful for that testimony, for that assurance. God is mindful of us and ready to respond when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is no place for fear among men and women who place their trust in the Almighty, who do not hesitate to humble themselves in seeking divine guidance through prayer. Though … reverses come, in prayer we can find reassurance, for God will speak peace to the soul. That peace, that spirit of serenity, is life’s greatest blessing” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 55).

            In The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Jesus visited the people on the American continent after his crucifixion. He taught, “And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Nephi 18:20). Prayer and faith are two of my favorite topics in the Bible dictionary and they work together to produce miracles. The Bible dictionary explains, “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings” (“Prayer,” Bible Dictionary).

      The Bible dictionary explains, “Faith is a principle of action and of power, and by it one can … influence any number of circumstances when occasion warrants… Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfillment of the things hoped for…. Although faith is a gift, it must be… sought after… Where there is true faith there are miracles… and all the gifts of God that He gives…” (“Faith,” Bible Dictionary).

      Neal L. Anderson described faith in a way that was extremely powerful for me. In fact, I printed it out and it has hung at eye level above my desk since 2015. He explained, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. ….Faith emits a spiritual light, and that light is discernible. Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek it and hold on to it. Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker…. The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice” (“Faith is Not by Chance, but By Choice,” Ensign, May 2015). In the New Testament, Jesus taught, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you” (Matthew 17:20). I have often wondered how this could be physically possible. One day, I realized very clearly that figurative mountains of fear, doubt, and other struggles can be moved through faith in Christ.

            I wrote about grace in a previous chapter, but I wanted to save one part for this chapter. Shawna Edwards lives in our previous neighborhood. She wrote a song called The Miracle. These are the powerful words that bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it, “Jesus is a God of miracles. Nothing is at all impossible to Him. But I know this: Of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me.” She described in a blog post how the lyrics came to her and closes with these powerful words, “The Atonement of Jesus Christ really does rescue us – every minute of every hour of every day.” (“The Miracle,” Shawna Edwards Music, 15 Nov 2014). The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ explains this well, “Thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I… knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen…. Wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole” (Enos 1:5-8).

            S. Michael Wilcox explained a powerful way to pray that I am still trying to apply in my life. “The soul can be described as a vessel that fills from time to time with various emotions, thoughts, memories, questions, and so forth. The very phrase pour out suggests this visual image. I have found it useful to see my soul as a vessel; I often ask myself what it contains before I kneel before the Lord. There is a difference to my approach when I say ‘I’m going to pour out my soul to God’ rather than ‘I’m going to say my prayers.’ The very phrase suggests there will be no holding back…. It is helpful to me to understand or recognize exactly what is in my soul. I must be totally honest with myself. Is it confusion, or doubt, or sorrow, or love, or gratitude, or guilt, or shame, or worry?... I sense that unless we pour out, He cannot pour in. We want to make sure we empty everything to make room for what he will give us in return.” (Face to Face: Seeking a Personal Relationship with God, 25-26).

            I love these powerful phrases from the Doctrine and Covenants: “Pray always, that you may come off conquerer... that you may conquer Satan…” (10:5). “Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing... even more than if you should obtain treasures of earth…” (19:38). “Calling on the name of the Lord for the Comforter, which shall teach (you) all things that are expedient for (you) – Praying always that (you) faint not...” (75:10-11). My mom’s favorite scripture has always been, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good…” (90:24). Since it’s not always possible to pray on our knees, we can pray in our mind throughout the day. The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ wisely counsels, “Let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto Him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” (Alma 34:27). The combination of faith and prayer invites miracles into our lives. The more we look for miracles with grateful eyes and hearts, the more we will see and feel them.

Uncertainty... and Celebrating Progress

I've received many email responses and several people had comments about the title. I'm still uncertain about what I will ultimately choose. However, the book is about much more than just perfectionism. So, although I really like that combination of words, I may not end up using it. I may also use "Walking with Wendi" in a different place on the cover, instead of in the title. John is still convinced that it would be the best title, but I've never been sure about that. 

I divided what I've written so far into six easier to print docs with page breaks. I am really excited to actually see how much I've written so far! It really is a miracle. I originally printed out about 30 pages and then I printed out 65 pages on July 23rd. This time, there are 130 pages. I am responding to emails today, but then I really need to get back to writing!

Possible Title of Book

I'm still not feeling well, so I rested all day yesterday and didn't write anything. However, my husband suggested that I title the book "Walking with Wendi" afterall. So here is a possible combination of the two titles (actually, a title and subtitle) ~

 Walking with Wendi: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress

 and Other Perspective Shifts of a Recovering Perfectionist

I also emailed 120 friends and relatives about the progress on the book. I hope it will provide more momentum for me to continue writing, rather than putting too much pressure on myself. We shall see... 

Progress on Chapter 25

This afternoon, I returned to the outline for the previous post and wrote six paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. 

I'm not sure exactly what I will be writing for the remaining chapters, so the progress may not be as fast as it has been with the previous chapters. I will still write a brief post each day about my progress for accountability purposes.

Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning

* I didn't feel well today, so I rested. However, I do still want to write something. I'm going to list the college classes I may want to write about in this chapter. (I returned the next day, August 4th, to write several paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. I also added two pictures on August 15th and finished writing this chapter in a separate post that day.)

           Prior to beginning my official classes at Utah Valley University in fall 2015, I took an eight week class during the summer for adults making some kind of transition in their lives. This Successful Life Management class was offered through Turning Point and was held on UVU’s west campus. It was held twice each week and provided good practice for me to become accustomed to driving there and being on a school schedule again. At first, I chose the morning class, but ended up not feeling well one of the mornings. This program required that the class be made up that evening or you had to wait until the next set of classes to complete the program. So I attended the class that evening and it was clear almost immediately that this class was the one I needed to continue attending. The curriculum validated many of the changes I had already made up to that point. Since I was still continuing my visiting journey, it also gave me the opportunity to get to know more people. I made a point to talk with the students before and after class and became friends with two of the women. Sometimes, I talked with the teacher after class as well and felt a strong connection to her.

            This class required our attendance, but didn’t have homework or tests. However, we were each expected to make a poster that described us, which we would present during the final class. We needed to search magazines for pictures or words to use for this assignment, since we couldn’t write anything on it. A friend in our ward gave me a gift subscription to Country magazine earlier that year and it provided a variety of beautiful pictures to choose from. I decided to use the four seasons as a theme for my poster and focused on favorite activities or things I enjoyed about each season. Spring included pictures of purple wildflowers, daisies, daffodils, and rainbows. It also included  several phrases I pieced together: “Here comes the sun,” “you can change your life with every step,” “I’m always amazed by the beauty God made for us,” and “hope after the storm.” Summer included pictures of water flowing over rocks in a river, lighthouses near beaches, and sunsets, along with the phrase “walking on sunshine.” Autumn included pictures of leaves changing colors, blue sky over mountains, and the view of a full moon looking through Delicate Arch, since most of our family vacations have included Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. Winter included a picture of a little boy and girl holding hands while they walked through the snow, which represented our two children. I also included the phrase “walking in a wonderland” and a quote: “strong is the tree that bends with the wind then bounces back again.” That quote reminds me of the importance of flexibility and resilience, which are two character traits I’m constantly trying to develop. I was really happy about the way the poster turned out and John suggested that I frame it. So I stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way home from that last class, splurged, and had it framed in a large black frame with a medium blue matte. I hung it on the wall in our bedroom of the previous house and in my office of the new house. It is like a picture window looking outward to my dreams and a constant reminder of who I have become.

            When I began to take actual college classes, I realized that I needed to limit myself to six or nine credits each semester, so that I could save part of my energy for my family and visiting. It would take longer to earn a degree, but it would allow me to keep some balance in my life over the coming months and years. The goal to return to college and earn a degree is among the most difficult challenges I’ve faced and it stretched me beyond what I thought I could endure a few times. Even though I still had many stressful moments, I continued to apply the coping skills I learned over the previous years of challenging myself physically, emotionally, and socially. Another important element of my success was to attend every class (with very few exceptions) and not postpone doing homework or studying for tests. When I attended college for those two semesters as a young adult, I was overcome with anxiety and depression. However, some of that could have been avoided by steadier attendance and less procrastination. Because I allowed myself to take classes at my own speed, I enjoyed the process of learning overall, and ended up earning an associate degree with high honors – which means I earned all As (with one A- in Statistics, which was a true miracle!). I will share a few specific experiences in the paragraphs that follow.

            During my first semester in Fall 2015, I took Marriage and Relationship Skills and General Psychology on campus. In addition, I chose to take Foundations of Human Nutrition online (because I was terrified of taking college Biology and this class was a prerequisite to Nutrition 2020, which would mercifully fulfill my biology requirement). It’s not a coincidence that I took Marriage and Relationship Skills my first semester at UVU. The teacher was an adjunct professor and also an academic advisor in the Behavioral Science department. She had been through a divorce and was currently in her second marriage with several significant challenges. I was surprised at how open she was about sharing her experiences, but it created an atmosphere that felt safe for sharing our own challenging experiences. Since I was one of the only married people in that class, I ended up commenting a lot. I was open about the struggles I had over our differences in religious beliefs and used my situation as the subject of several of my papers. One of the books we studied was the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. An important lesson I learned from that book was to focus on solving the “solvable problems” (chapter 9) and “overcoming gridlock” with “perpetual problems” (chapter 11). Our differences in belief is considered a “perpetual problem.” One way to “overcome gridlock” is to “create shared meaning” (chapter 12). I realized I could do that by understanding the “shared goals” within my dream. My dream was to eventually have my family in the temple with me, but a strong component of that dream is the desire to have a happy, healthy family. So that became the important shared goal I could focus on, rather than constantly seeing the differences.

            As the semester progressed, I continued to feel strongly that I needed to connect with the teacher outside of class. There is a built-in familiarity barrier in the student/teacher relationship, but I really wanted to move past that. It helped that we were closer in age and we had several conversations after class that gradually overcame that barrier. We discovered we had some things in common and she convinced me to switch the emphasis of my Behavioral Science major from psychology to family studies. That way, she became my academic advisor for future semesters and we gradually became friends. I occasionally stopped by her office during each semester after that to discuss some of the struggles we had in common. I will always be grateful that I met her when I did because it was a key to my overall success in college.

            During this time, I also kept in touch occasionally by email with my teacher from Turning Point. I continued to ask if I could visit her one time as part of my ongoing journey. She finally agreed and met me at Kneaders one day in mid-November. She asked more about my faith journey at the beginning of our lunch and then I realized she had her own agenda for our visit. She had recently written a long paper with her husband about some controversy in the early days of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She wasn’t trying to argue with doctrine, she just felt that there was more spirituality to be found than the church was currently providing. She determined that I was inspired to ask for a visit with her so she could share that paper with me. I took it home and began to read it. Unfortunately, the combination of John’s unbelief and the different ideas I read in that paper caused me to have my own faith crisis. I talked over my concerns with two of my close friends several times and finally worked through them with their help. My Marriage and Relationship Skills teacher was a strong, supportive influence as well, although I didn’t share the details with her. My previous teacher continued to keep in touch with me by email and regretted giving the paper to me when she saw how it affected me. She asked me not to pass it along to anyone else, so I ripped it up and tried to move on. We have continued to be friends through email as well and I believe there was purpose in that struggle. I came out on the other end much stronger and more grounded in what I actually believe. That has served me well ever since.

            I became eligible for a scholarship from the Women’s Success Center at UVU because I took the class from Turning Point during the summer. I made the leap of faith, spent some time working on the essay, and applied for the scholarship. I later met with several people one day in an interview. They asked why I felt I deserved the scholarship, so I share my story of overcoming depression and anxiety through my visiting journey. They were visibly impressed and I earned a scholarship for the Spring 2016 semester. I still had some accommodations because of MS and my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, although both were currently controlled well with medicine. My previous teacher/current academic advisor helped me apply for an exception, so that I didn’t have to take the required 12 credit hours for the scholarship. The appeal was accepted and I was awarded the adjusted amount of $1,000 just after the semester began. I was grateful for that assistance, especially since John needed to pay tuition for both me and our daughter.

            During the Spring 2016 semester I took Introduction to Sociology and Introduction to Western Religions. I continued my pattern of talking with both teachers after class and learned a lot from them – both in and out of class. Two papers were required for my Western Religions class, but I asked the teacher if I could combine them into one large paper. He agreed and I wrote the paper on C.S. Lewis and The Chronicles of Narnia. I focused on the religious aspects of the author and the books in the series. I was fascinated with what I learned from my research and, although writing a research paper was an extremely stressful experience for me, I was proud of the final result. The teacher was so impressed that he gave a copy to his dad to read and I earned 100% on it. That made all the stress and effort feel worth it. In addition, the one class I wasn’t able to transfer from BYU was humanities. Therefore, I still needed to fulfill my humanities requirement, which is one of the only reasons I took this class. Plus, the poor grade I received the first time around didn’t transfer to pull down my cumulative GPA. (So, literally nothing was wasted from my previous college experiences.)  

            My Sociology teacher was an adjunct professor who attended the Lutheran church and she had been married for about 40 years to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So we spent a lot of time discussing religion and also life, in general. I walked her out to her car after class on most days, since she didn’t teach another class after ours and we continued our conversation while she smoked a couple of cigarettes before heading home. Among other things, talking with her helped me solidify my understanding of grace and I focused more on Christ’s grace in my life after that. One of the assignments for Sociology class was to attend another church and write a short paper about it. I chose to attend a Lutheran church close to our home on Palm Sunday and John came with me. It was a good experience and fit well with my Western Religions class also. I will always be grateful for the way both of those classes influenced my life for good.

Title, Dedication, and Acknowledgements

I decided today on a possible title for the book I've been writing: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress 

and Other Perspective Shifts for the Recovering Perfectionist

I wrote this dedication: To John, who always sees my potential and worth, even when I don't. 

I also spent several hours writing the Acknowledgements: 

            This book is the product of my experiences with hundreds of people. My sincere gratitude goes to all who have influenced me along my journey. It would be impossible for me to create a complete list, but I will take this opportunity to thank many people by name. I’ve grouped them into different periods of my life. Several people fit in more than one area, but I’ve chosen the one that best fits the way they influenced me most.

            To John, who is the hardest working and most selfless person I know. Thank you for choosing to spend your life with me. To Heather and Lance, for giving me the opportunity to be a mother. Thanks for your patience as I’ve learned and grown right along with you. To Max, who has brightened my days with his smiles, giggles, squawks, and snuggles.

            To my parents, Arnie and Cherie, who taught me by example the value of stick-to-it-iveness and service to others. Thank you for serving missions at BYU-Hawaii and Historic Kirtland, so I could have an excuse to visit those places. To my siblings: Natalie (Randy), Randy (Laura), Rob (Eve), and Cory (Karissa). Thank you for letting me visit you and your children when you lived in other states. To my grandmas, Lena and Lucile, who treated me special and passed along the desire to stay connected to my relatives.  

            To my walking friends: Corinne Jenkins, Becky Allen, Diane Knight, Kelly Chalmers; Brenda Warren, Terri Rino, Shari Soelberg; Michelle Linford, Susannah Reyneke, Bonnie Walker, Suzanne Fry; Janell Wright, Melissa Dunaway, Heather Rindlisbacher. Thank you for letting me shake my head out over and over again…and loving me through it all.

            To friends who graciously welcomed me into their homes: Susan and Doug Morrison, Ann Barlow, Cheryl Taylor, Kathy Schlendorf, and Kristyne Stephens. Thank you for countless hours of visits over several years.

            To our close neighbors (and their families) in both areas of Orem: Holly Jacobs, Christa Ringer, Michelle Chamberlain, Stori Misbach, Susan Verbic, Janet Davis; Shelby Russell, Joyce Nixon, Nicole Perry, Candice Gordon, Nichelle Jensen, April Hurt. Thank you for your kindness and patience over two decades.

            To thoughtful people who have made a difference for me spiritually or emotionally as they have served and loved me. 

Canyon View stake: Jan Martin, Joleen Black, Ruth Ann Smith, Ginger Fisher, Eileen Booth, Rob Chalmers, Mosbarger family, Diane McNeill, Colette Terry, Katie Fox, Ann Youngquist; Liz Livingston, Leesa Simmons, Paula Harper, Jennifer Greenwood, Allyson Riding, Rosana Sorensen, Karina McDonald, Sheryl Pryor, Jessica Deucher; Marlae Rindlisbacher, Sandi Monson.

Orem 6^th ward: Brekke Felt, Angela Schill, Teri Walker, Jenny and Sarah Pachev, Katrina and Mike Johanson, Shersti and Jared Pearson, Tracy Smith, Brian Nixon, Joyce Henderson, Shane Frazier, Lois Park, Rebecca Armstrong, Debbie Wimpfheimer. 

Longmont, Colorado: Dave Kenison, Tom Reed, Gary Marison, Olivers, Mary Sue Russell. 

Tallahassee, Florida: Jackie Stone, Cathrie Long, Chris Kemp, Ann Cluff, Maureen Webb. Richard Chapple, Troy Mohrman, Ken (Hunter) Bergstrom, Laurie Tiedt. Thank you for caring.  

            To kind people who have helped me with temple work: Kathy and Alan Manwaring, Pam Petroff; Lisa Johnson and Bernotski family; Marti, Greg, and Jared Tuttle; Jenkins family and Ben Cragun, Dick and Mary Jackson, Julia and Ken Cluff, Linda and Marlan Platt, Lori Duke, Carolyn Davis, Catherine and Mike Kipp, Paul Christensen, Roger Minert, Helen and Brad Prescott; Noah and Tennyson Schill, Johanson girls, Cameron and Morgan Dopp, Renee Blumel, Jenna Wolfley and Richard Lindahl; various youth in the Canyon View Stake, and Orem 6th ward. Thank you for your selfless service.

            To good people who make my temple experience even better: Ken Kleven, Van Jaeger, Ron Bartalini, Sherry Cox, Kay Heath, Louisa Howard, Debra Elvin; Cheryl Esplin, President Freestone, President Stone, Brother Eliason, Gammons; Linda Olsen, Heather Bodine, Krista Tate, Pam Hansen, Patti Bell, Sherrie Johnson, Rebekah Westfall; Amy Christensen, Gay Bailey; Michelle Caringella, Renae Gale, Carolyn, LeeAnn, and all the others who have gone out of their way to help me in the baptistry. Thank you for brightening my days.

            To those who have cared about our children and helped them (or me) in different ways: Anne Miller, Sandee and Andres Sosa, Kate Plewe; Taralyn Sorensen, Gailan Smith, Debbie Carn; Tami Rasmussen, Meg Ernstrom, Deanne Allred, Andrea Allman; Carol Walker, Melissa Dabb. Thank you for making my job as a mom just a little bit easier over the years.

            To friends who helped me become even more clear about what I believe: Ruth Thompson; Christy Hurt, Dana Mecham, Aubree Patterson, Marcela Gubler; Tracey Hamilton, Chelsea Rasmussen. Thank you for helping me see things from different perspectives. To others who challenged me to learn how to love in ways I wasn’t used to yet: Pauline Colton, Alauna Hyland, Sue Burton, Victoria Myers, Clixie Larson, Renee Wakamatsu, Andrea and Phillip Cockrell, Marshall DeGroot. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned from our experiences together.

            To friends from my childhood, teenage, and young adult years (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): 

Tallahassee, Florida: Trista Whitley, Lori Clark, Marika Chapple; Danny Bishop, Tam Nguyen, Bill Roberts, Mike Poppell, Paul Kern, Joe Caceres; Petrea Schrader, Joel Bowers, Ben Fort; Sharon Flagg, Felicia Cooke; Cheri Wright, Kacey Lewis.

Longmont, Colorado: Kristina Marzano; Karna Reed, Janae Wheeler, Karen Farnsworth; Dave Cragun, Brent Patterson, Darin Moss; Mark Wheeler, Geoff Smith. 

Orem, Utah: Angie Millet; Lisa Lawson, Becca Collyer, Jenny Clawson, Ange Walker, Jodi Sorensen; Pam Hawkes, Becky Kirby, Rob Trent, Brenda Lopez, Kim Latimer, Vaughn Porter, Poché siblings. Thank you for helping me in your unique way to become who I am today.

            To missionaries and others who were influential during my experience as a full-time missionary (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): TyRee Jenks, Val Roden; Cheryl Bevan, JoAnn Stock, Jeanine Bird, Carla Peterson, Rebecca Benson; Liz Baumgarten, Lalena Page, Kathy Perkins; Wheeler family, Griffin family, Dalls, Whitts, Wanda Nielsen, Terrys; Pam Curran, Aja Werkheiser, Aurora Moon; Sisters Ha, Lopez, Farrier, and Gee; Neal Larson, Justin Rasmussen, Dick and Diane Morley. Thank you for your patience, love, and examples.

            To life coaches, therapists, co-workers, and teachers I’ve worked with: Kendra Huffman, Heather Frazier, Jody Moore, Brooke Castillo, Tracy Hoth; Megan Rogers, Julie Malloy; David Paulson, Jon Skidmore; Brad Edgington, Ryan Balagna, Mitch Suyama, Heather Hoyal, Vickie Anderson; Mark Hull, Sherry Smith, Pam Christensen, Lexi Sanders, Adam Whitehead; Wanda Black, Dave Rollins, Carol Lorek, Jane Rose, and Mrs. Landreth. Thank you for all the lessons I learned during our time together.

            To the teachers, students, and secretaries at the Utah Valley University Institute of Religion: Karen Hepworth, Polly Tullis, Cassidy Hubert, David Durfey, Chelsea Chipman, Emily Mitchell, Eric Shields, Cody Orvis, Kurtis McBeth, Tyler Bartholomew, Cedi Christensen, Maren, Daniel Bradley, Todd Murdock, Valerie Christensen. Thank you for strengthening my testimony, helping with temple work, and being such an uplifting influence in my life.

            To the professors, students, and others who helped with projects during my time at Utah Valley University: Bonnie Davis, Ken White, Chris Lee, Carolyn Hamilton, Bart Poulson, Kaitlyn Pacada, Brian Birch, Karin Anderson, Lisa Johnson; Paige Seegmiller, Malorie Ward, Kimmie Henderson; Tera Johnson, Jessica Hettinger, Kassidy Nielson; Alex Boone; Ronelle Warren, Shawna Schauers, Stephanie Wright; Cynthia Tavera and Lihua Lin. Thank you for helping me succeed in my classes, so that I could achieve my goal of earning an associate degree.

            To other influential people in my life who don’t fit easily into any of the paragraphs above: Bob and Shauna Millet, Leslie Williams, Margaret Hammond, Marina Spence, Kenzie Weeks, Bradstreet family, Lisa Nerdin, Kendra Terry Senn, Kelly Christensen, Cecily Smith, Guin and Max Deaver, Becky Swasey, and Erica Larsen. Thank you for your unique way of blessing my life. In addition, I wish to thank these musicians and authors: Hilary Weeks, Shawna Edwards, Kenneth Cope; Emily Belle Freeman, David Butler, Brad Wilcox, Steven Harper, Mary Ellen Edmunds, and Sheri Dew. Thank you for your uplifting influence on me and so many others throughout the world.

            Most of all, to Heavenly Father for orchestrating potential blessings behind the scenes and for answering my prayers; to Jesus Christ for the gifts of repentance, forgiveness, and grace that flow freely from His atoning sacrifice; and to the Holy Ghost who testifies of Them and fills my soul with peace. Everything I write about in this book was influenced in some way by Them. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel, but I’ve done my best to express it in a variety of ways in the following pages.