Chapter 16: Connection is Critical

* I have pieced this together several different ways and I still think the paragraphs need polishing. I'm going to come back to it with fresh eyes another time. (I added more content and rearranged several more sentences on July 28, 2020.)

            The final missing link for me was connection with the people around me. I never fully realized that because of the social anxiety I felt for so many years. However, being with people has made all the difference. Dr. Brené Brown is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who has studied connection and empathy for many years. I learned from her that connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. 

            The original prompting to “know more people in the stake” happened on the evening of September 4, 2013. God went big with that prompting. He didn’t tell me who I should know, so I figured I just needed to try to know everyone. I started with women in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. Then, I gradually branched out to the other wards in our stake (since that was the word used in my prompting). I continued to receive promptings and, as I acted each time, I was gradually able to face and overcome my fears. Visiting with women helped me to regularly challenge my social anxiety and I began to focus on problems and struggles outside of my own. When I knew more about the women, I could begin to love and serve them. Plus, I learned something from every person I spent time with and that helped me to continue to progress. As I practiced visiting, my courage and capacity increased. God knows how to do His work and miracles occurred during the time I spent with several women.

            People sometimes wonder how I decided who to visit. At first, I just tried to act on any opportunity to talk with people, since each conversation helped me to more fully face my fears. Then I began interacting with people in a much more deliberate way. It started with making a goal to meet as many women as I could before and after stake activities. As I developed more courage, I looked over ward lists and called or emailed women whose names stood out to me to see if they would let me visit them. Sometimes, I would just knock on doors of the houses I felt drawn to while I was out walking each day. Occasionally, the women I visited would give me a name of another woman that would benefit from a visit. At one point, I was strongly inspired to visit all the Relief Society presidents and bishop’s wives in the stake as well. I also spoke directly to several of the bishops to find out the needs of the women in their wards. Three of the bishops gave me a name of a woman in their ward who struggled with depression. At first, many of the women thought I was selling something, but they were pleasantly surprised when that never came up in our visits. 

            A few months into the visiting, I realized that I was supposed to consider this as an unofficial full-time mission, so I visited for several hours on most days for 23 months. (I had two surgeries during that time, so I wanted to make sure I gave the Lord the full 18 months.) I wanted to show God how I would have served with my whole heart on my actual full-time mission in 1993 and 1994 if I hadn’t been so depressed and anxious for most of that time. I continued to visit on a more casual level for several years after that as well. I ended up visiting approximately 500 women in our stake and I eventually stretched myself even more to visit old friends. My visiting journey took me all over the Wasatch Front of north-central Utah (as far as Payson in the south, to Saratoga Springs and Eagle Mountain in the west, and as far as Layton in the north). The whole process was Spirit-led and I really didn't have my own agenda. 

            Visiting gave me opportunities to learn how to develop close friendships and to help other women who also struggle with emotional or physical challenges. I am so grateful for the lasting friendships I developed with several of the women in my neighborhood. I learned from Brené Brown that connection is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. Because of our close connection, we shared very important and personal details about our lives with each other, which helped us feel validated, encouraged, and loved. These friends have helped me through many challenges and I've been grateful for the chance to support them in some of their challenges as well.         

            During my visiting journey, I decided I would try to be “the friend of the friendless.” That way, they would each have a friend and I would have more friends as well. Learning to visit helped me take the focus off myself and my own struggles. My perspective gradually switched to other people and how I could help them. Most of the women I was prompted to visit needed what I had to offer and I even started walking or visiting regularly with a few who struggled with depression. They knew they could trust me because I was able to show them empathy from my similar experiences. I learned from Brené Brown that empathy fuels connection. It is being willing to recognize another person’s perspective. It is staying out of judgment. It is recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. Empathy is feeling with people. It is expressing that you know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and that they are not alone. As time went on, I gradually learned that I didn’t have to be at the same level of friendship with everyone, which was an important distinction for me to understand. 

            Later, I was asked on several different occasions how I coped with feeling overwhelmed, used, or burned out in the process of trying to help people with ongoing difficult struggles. I have compiled a few of my answers that continue to be a good reference for me. The main answer is that Jesus is the only One with the power to save us. Our part is to turn our lives over to Him and to point those we love and are concerned about toward Him. Sometimes, our wells may feel like they are empty while we are giving all we can and trying to help people who need a lot of attention. The best way I have learned to handle that is to always pray for them and then turn the situation over to God after we have done all we are able to do each day. If we focus on building and strengthening them, they will be more able to overcome their own challenges with God’s help. During the whole process, it is really important to love people right where they are. This also includes ourselves! We need to learn to see the good in others while we are trying to help them overcome bad habits or challenges and reach the potential they may not even see yet.         

            As I went along, I realized “there are several ways up a mountain” and I needed to find different ways to reach the women I hoped to visit. I needed to learn to trust my instincts and be willing to accept rejection. I gradually learned to be “thick skinned” and vulnerable at the same time. I had to be okay with most of the women not wanting me to come back for a second visit. (I visited approximately 500 women, but I visited many of those women more than once. I ended up visiting the ones who needed the most help several times.) Some visits were very uncomfortable and I often stumbled over my words. To this day, I’m not sure why I was supposed to visit a few of the women. During those particular visits, I reminded myself that there will never be a time when it is okay to not be kind. This also applies to challenging relationships with a family member or someone we are trying to help in general. God can help us find the balance of maintaining boundaries and being assertive, while still being kind and loving. We may need to reevaluate occasionally how we can be less rigid or judgemental in our interactions with other people. If there are differences in religious belief, it’s important to remember not to dilute doctrine, but we can always soften the way we interact with people.

            In summary, I was still very anxious in the beginning. At first, it was all about me – until I figured out what I needed to do. I used to not understand how I could serve people because I don’t cook, sew, or have other obvious talents. However, God gradually showed me what I could do as I continued visiting and He gave me the confidence to stretch out of my comfort zone to do it. I learned to look beyond my own needs and made myself vulnerable in the process. Occasionally, the anxiety would overwhelm me again and I had to remind myself why I was visiting in the first place. The original prompting continued to build my confidence, though, and I knew it wasn’t about me anymore. This journey changed my life in significant ways and I will never be the same. Instead of hiding, I learned to look outward. I truly found myself as I lost myself in loving and serving other people. 

Chapter 18: Spheres of Influence

* It took me almost the whole day to write this because life provides lots of little interruptions! (I returned on August 15th to add a picture, some song lyrics by Kenneth Cope, and a passage from Brad Wilcox's book.)

            I have been fascinated with three related phrases for several years. A person’s “sphere of influence” is the area where they have power to change or influence things. When an object is dropped in water, it sends out ripples that expand across the water. Likewise, when an event occurs that has a lasting, exponential impact, it is often referred to as a “ripple effect.” Sometimes, when it isn’t possible to pay back a kindness, a person may choose to “pay it forward as a way to express their gratitude. Perhaps, one of the reasons for my interest in these phrases is that they can all be applied to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and our response to its effect on our lives.

            Neal A. Maxwell eloquently explained, “ Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate…. Part of God’s ‘ample provision’ consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled ‘in the arms of [His] love’ (D&C 6:20)” (“Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Ensign, November 2002).

            Hilary Weeks wrote about how she struggled with feeling inadequate earlier in her life. “As I drove home I was feeling kind of bad about myself. Then the Spirit whispered a thought that has changed my life: Don’t worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you.” Now she compliments people, thinks of interesting questions to ask, and smiles first. She continues, “Focusing on others takes the worry away and helps me to be happy and confident” (Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are, pp. 19-20). As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I have spent a few minutes with Hilary on several different occasions over the past six years and she does just that.

            I drove up to Bountiful with a friend to attend a dinner party on August 19, 2017. This picture was taken as we were helping my friend to prepare the wontons for our Chinese dinner. 

I'm sitting next to Kenneth Cope and his wife. I was grateful to have the chance to thank him for his uplifting music. I attended Especially For Youth at BYU in 1986 and he wrote the theme song that year. On my full-time mission, I played his song, "Pass It On" (from the 1993 EFY cassette tape I loved listening to before I left home) as part of a message during some of our dinner appointments with members in the area. I made a CD of some of my favorite inspirational music a few years ago and it includes the song, "Broken," which he wrote with Eliza Cope. It uplifts me each time I hear it. (It is one of the songs on the 2005 EFY CD titled A More Excellent Way.) Below are most of the powerful lyrics:

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ 'til His name feels broken in

...And, yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name – my God loves broken things...

I'm grateful for his willingness to share his singing and songwriting talent that blesses my life and the lives of countless others.  

                I was given the opportunity to sit at the same table with Brad Wilcox and his wife during the actual dinner. It was just the three of us, which also gave me the chance to thank him for the lasting impact his July 2011 BYU devotional talk, "His Grace is Sufficient," has made on my life. Brad is a BYU professor, well-known speaker, author of several best-selling books. and was called as the second counselor in the Young Men general presidency of the Church in April 2020. He and his wife were both very kind and considerate during our time together. They asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the experiences I shared. In fact, Brad asked for my address, which I wrote on a napkin. A few days later, an autographed copy of his newest book, Changed by Grace, arrived in the mail. I’m sure there have been many other conversations with similar napkins. However, that made a lasting impact on me. 

            In that book, he comments on 2 Nephi 2:8, which teaches that we are saved "through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." I love how he explains these terms in such an understandable way and especially how they build upon each other. "Christ's merits mean He was the only one authorized and able to perform the Atonement. His anointing in the premortal world, unique birth, and perfect life made Him the only one who could atone for us. The fact that He chose to do so means He loves us. Christ's mercies mean that He was willing to save us from physical and spiritual deaths that came in consequence of the Fall. Even though we are completely undeserving, He can resurrect us, forgive us as we repent, and enter into a covenant relationship with us. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us just the way we are. Christ's grace means that He stands ready to transform and exalt us. He offers His divine help throughout that perfecting process. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are."

            Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler are also well-known speakers and best-selling authors. They co-host “Don’t Miss This,” which has helped me study the Come Follow Me curriculum in a way that doesn't feel so lonely, since I'm the only one in our home who actively participates in gospel study. They share insights about the scriptures in weekly YouTube videos that I enjoy watching. They are very talented at combining humor with spirituality and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I think that is a really valuable combination. They have emphasized that regardless of our calling or station in life, we are all called to love others.

            I’ve noticed that people sometimes form into cliques among a larger group. Often, there is a tendency to be less friendly to people outside the clique. Social sciences refer to this as “in-group” and “out-group.” I am always impressed with people who are confident enough to be friends with people in all the groups. Their sphere of influence is much greater because they are inclusive. Virginia U. Jensen explained, “Sisters in all life circumstances have opportunities to build and nurture others within their sphere of influence” (“Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment,” Ensign, November 1999). We each have a unique sphere of influence. Hilary, Emily, David, Brad, and Kenneth have a large sphere of influence and I’m grateful for the amazing amount of good they do in the world. However, each of us can spend our time lifting others and improving life for people around us in small and simple ways. Showing kindness, mercy, empathy, and love creates a positive ripple effect for good.

Chapter 7: Opposition in All Things

* I need to get ready for an appointment and this is all I have written so far for this chapter. I'm posting it anyway to keep my momentum going. (I returned to add more content on July 19, 2020.)

            Opposition will absolutely happen in this life. It is one thing we can definitely count on. We can fight against that reality or we can relax into it. We can choose to not be surprised by opposition and try to learn from it. Orson F. Whitney explained, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98). I’m grateful for the comfort that quote has given me over the years.

            There is an often-quoted verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ about opposition. “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad…” (2 Nephi 2:11). So life as a human is a 50/50 experience. Roughly half will be good and the other half will be uncomfortable in some way. When the opposition comes, we can remind ourselves that it’s part of life and nothing has actually gone permanently wrong. We layer additional suffering when we spend our time wondering why this had to happen or how unfair it is that it happened to us. One of the ways this opposition occurs is in our family relationships. Parents and children often provide built-in opposition for each other. Our homes and families are like laboratories for learning and sometimes there are explosions in laboratories. When the “explosions” happen, it alerts us that an adjustment is needed. We can learn to notice our thoughts and feelings in those moments. We can choose to focus on the ones that serve us best in creating an improved situation. Since the purpose is learning, it is okay to try again (and again) to improve. This opposition can act as a catalyst to turn our hearts to the Savior.

            James E. Faust gives us some additional perspective. “A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures.... Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance.... The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted. The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining.” (“Refined in OurTrials,” Ensign, Feb. 2006, pp. 2-7).

            We often emerge from a difficult experience with greater empathy. This helps us understand and have more capacity to help when other people experience their own trials. Opposition also provides contrast and may help us enjoy the times of peace and respite in between each trial more than we would otherwise. We can prepare for future trials by filling our souls drop by drop with Living Water and peace, so that we won’t be found parched and empty when the next trial hits us. And it will.

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly. 

Self-coaching reminders about feelings

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.)

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

I've learned that I'm not a fan of "feeling my feelings." That has been the most difficult part of coaching so far. However, I am understanding the importance of this part of the process more and more. 

This is the middle part of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

This Spark is a short way to remind myself that I need to notice my thoughts and then FEEL my feelings.

I'm learning that being willing to be vulnerable and honest about the things I don't like about myself brings them out into the light. From shame to acceptance. That's when change and growth can finally happen. Cracking open hurts, but that's when healing can begin. 

The background of this Spark is the lock screen wallpaper from my old Android phone. 

It reminds me of the Tree of Life with Living Water flowing from it. (Both are powerful symbols to me of Jesus Christ.) The only way I can truly change is through His grace.  

"Opposite action" (which basically means "feel the fear and do it anyway") is something I worked on a lot prior to the pandemic. Staying home 98% of the time over the past 3.5 months has made that more difficult for me. I won't give up though!

 This is the right side of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

I'm learning that I have a tendency to absorb the stress of other people. (That's the tricky balance with empathy.) I'm working on understanding my own thoughts and feelings, so I can choose the way I want to think and feel, which returns the emotional power back to me. 

This beautiful scene is somewhere in Colorado. 

There will always be emotional pain in life. We can choose to layer it with more negative emotion or we can learn to cope with it in ways that lead to peace. 

Truth is truth, whether it's found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I'm so grateful for powerful, life-changing thoughts that will gradually become my own with practice. 

Mourn WITH those that mourn

Back in 2015, I was asked to give a presentation to a group of women about my experiences with reaching out to others in love. Recently, I have felt like I should post that presentation on this blog in a series of posts (like I did in the previous posts with my research paper on perfectionism).

I gave the presentation again to two more groups of women in 2016 and 2017. Each time, I had learned a little more about the topic. However, I wish I could have shown them this video. This is such an important lesson that I need to continue to practice.

I watched this Hope Works video for the first time this morning. It is just under 12 minutes and is well worth your time.



Here is the description underneath the video on YouTube:

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to support someone but you didn’t know how? Have you tried to “solve” or “fix” the situation? Life’s challenges are ongoing and may not have a simple fix. What is often needed is someone to mourn with. 

Sheldon provides excellent tips for mourning with people. The difference between mourning with someone and mourning for someone is that with implies a journey. You walk a path alongside them. There are times to sit with someone, listen to them, and validate what they are feeling rather than give advice or resources. It’s more helpful to mourn with than for someone. 

Timing matters. If someone shares a vulnerability, it can be healing to have you actively listen. Genuinely try to connect with them. In fact, thank them for telling you, and acknowledge that you do not know what to say. 

Tone matters. Genuinely try to connect with how they are feeling. Human relationships should not be mechanical. When someone opens up, they might already know of a solution but fear carrying it out. 

Complex problems, challenges, and trials require time. So give people time. You’re the resource. You can help them come to the ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. Whatever your sphere of influence, you can mourn with, walk with, cry with, wait with, listen with, and not simply mourn for those around you.

Has someone mourned with you?