The final missing link for me was connection with the people
around me. I never fully realized that because of the social anxiety I
felt for so many years. However, being with people has made all the
difference. Dr. Brené Brown is a famous researcher,
author, and speaker who has studied connection and empathy for many years. I
learned from her that connection is what gives meaning and purpose to
our lives.
The original prompting to “know
more people in the stake” happened on the evening of September 4,
2013. God went big with that prompting. He didn’t tell me who I should
know, so I figured I just needed to try to know everyone. I started with women
in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. Then, I gradually branched
out to the other wards in our stake (since that was the word used in my
prompting). I continued to receive promptings and, as I acted each time, I was
gradually able to face and overcome my fears. Visiting with women
helped me to regularly challenge my social anxiety and I began to focus on
problems and struggles outside of my own. When I knew more about the
women, I could begin to love and serve them. Plus, I learned
something from every person I spent time with and that helped me to continue to
progress. As I practiced visiting, my courage and capacity increased. God
knows how to do His work and miracles occurred during the time I spent with
several women.
People
sometimes wonder how I decided who to visit. At first, I just tried to act on
any opportunity to talk with people, since each conversation helped me to more
fully face my fears. Then I began interacting with people in a much more
deliberate way. It started with making a goal to meet as many women as I could
before and after stake activities. As I developed more courage, I looked over
ward lists and called or emailed women whose names stood out to me to see if
they would let me visit them. Sometimes, I would just knock on doors of the
houses I felt drawn to while I was out walking each day. Occasionally, the
women I visited would give me a name of another woman that would benefit from a
visit. At one point, I was strongly inspired to visit all the Relief Society presidents and bishop’s wives
in the stake as well. I also spoke directly to several of the bishops to find
out the needs of the women in their wards. Three of the bishops gave me a name
of a woman in their ward who struggled with depression. At first, many of
the women thought I was selling something, but they were pleasantly surprised
when that never came up in our visits.
A
few months into the visiting, I realized that I was supposed to consider this
as an unofficial full-time mission, so I visited for several hours on most days
for 23 months. (I had two surgeries during that time, so I wanted to make sure
I gave the Lord the full 18 months.) I wanted to show God how I would have
served with my whole heart on my actual full-time mission in 1993 and 1994 if I
hadn’t been so depressed and anxious for most of that time. I continued to
visit on a more casual level for several years after that as well. I ended up
visiting approximately 500 women in our stake and I eventually stretched
myself even more to visit old friends. My visiting journey took me all over the
Wasatch Front of north-central Utah (as far as Payson in the south, to Saratoga
Springs and Eagle Mountain in the west, and as far as Layton in the
north). The whole process was Spirit-led and I really didn't have my
own agenda.
Visiting gave me
opportunities to learn how to develop close friendships and to help other women
who also struggle with emotional or physical challenges. I am so grateful for
the lasting friendships I developed with several of the women in my
neighborhood. I learned from Brené Brown that connection is
a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we
have to allow ourselves to really be seen. Because of our close
connection, we shared very important and personal details
about our lives with each other, which helped us feel validated, encouraged, and
loved. These friends have helped me through many
challenges and I've been grateful for the chance to support them in some of
their challenges as well.
During
my visiting journey, I decided I would try to be “the friend of the
friendless.” That way, they would each have a friend and I would have more
friends as well. Learning to visit helped me take the focus off myself and
my own struggles. My perspective gradually switched to other people and how I
could help them. Most of the women I was prompted to visit needed what I had to
offer and I even started walking or visiting regularly with a few who struggled
with depression. They knew they could trust me because I was able to
show them empathy from my similar experiences. I learned
from Brené Brown that empathy fuels
connection. It is being willing to recognize another person’s
perspective. It is staying out of judgment. It is
recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. Empathy
is feeling with people. It is expressing that you
know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and that they are not alone. As
time went on, I gradually learned that I didn’t have to be at the same level of
friendship with everyone, which was an important distinction for me to
understand.
Later, I was asked on several different occasions how I
coped with feeling overwhelmed, used, or burned out in the process of trying to
help people with ongoing difficult struggles. I have compiled a few of my answers
that continue to be a good reference for me. The main answer is that Jesus is the only One with the power to save us. Our
part is to turn our lives over to Him and to point those we love and are
concerned about toward Him. Sometimes, our wells may
feel like they are empty while we are giving all we can and trying to help
people who need a lot of attention. The best way I have learned to handle that
is to always pray for them and then turn the situation over to God after we
have done all we are able to do each day. If we focus on building and
strengthening them, they will be more able to overcome their own challenges
with God’s help. During the whole process, it is really important to love
people right where they are. This also includes ourselves! We need to learn to
see the good in others while we are
trying to help them overcome bad habits or challenges and reach the potential they
may not even see yet.
As I went along, I realized “there are several ways up a
mountain” and I needed to find different ways to reach the women I hoped to
visit. I needed to learn to trust my instincts and be willing to accept
rejection. I gradually learned to be “thick skinned” and vulnerable at the same
time. I had to be okay with most of the women not wanting me to come back for a
second visit. (I visited approximately 500 women, but I visited many of those
women more than once. I ended up visiting the ones who needed the most help several
times.) Some visits were very uncomfortable and I often stumbled over my
words. To this day, I’m not sure why I was supposed to visit a few of the
women. During those particular visits, I reminded myself that there will never be a time when it is okay to not be kind. This also applies to challenging
relationships with a family member or someone we are trying to help in general.
God can help us find the balance of maintaining boundaries and being assertive,
while still being kind and loving. We may need to reevaluate occasionally how we
can be less rigid or judgemental in our interactions with other people. If there
are differences in religious belief, it’s important to remember not to dilute doctrine,
but we can always soften the way we interact with people.
In summary, I was still very anxious in the
beginning. At first, it was all about me – until I figured out what I needed to
do. I used to not understand how I could serve people because I don’t cook,
sew, or have other obvious talents. However, God gradually showed me what I
could do as I continued visiting and He gave me the confidence to stretch out
of my comfort zone to do it. I learned to look beyond my own needs and made
myself vulnerable in the process. Occasionally, the anxiety would overwhelm me
again and I had to remind myself why I was visiting in the first place. The
original prompting continued to build my confidence, though, and I knew it
wasn’t about me anymore. This journey changed my life in significant ways
and I will never be the same. Instead of hiding, I learned to look
outward. I truly found myself as I lost myself in loving and serving other
people.
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