The main way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. There are countless experiences I could share about this, but the one I want to focus on is how I met Janell. At the end of January 2014 (almost five months after my original prompting), the sister missionaries asked if they could stop by. I agreed and they showed us a video about doing missionary work in our everyday life. That prompted me to put several names on the temple prayer roll the next time I was there and Janell was one of them. Since I was out visiting people on most days, my hope was that the Lord would cross my path with hers. A couple weeks later in mid-February, I walked to the retirement community near our home, which was something I did regularly. I was helping a friend with several of her temple names and I tried to return the completed card each time. My friend wasn’t home that day, which was unusual, because her husband suffered from the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease. As I left her driveway, I was strongly prompted to knock on Janell’s door. She lived next door to this friend, but I never knocked on her door before because a few people in our ward had advised me to not attempt to visit her, since she was no longer interested in attending church.
She answered the door and I had a
brief conversation with her. I explained in my typical animated way that I was
enjoying getting to know many of her neighbors to help overcome the social anxiety
I had experienced for several years. I asked if I could call her to set up a
time to come back and visit her also, since she didn’t have much time that day.
She agreed, but I think it was mostly because she didn’t want to reject me
entirely, since I explained my desire to visit her in such an enthusiastic way.
I called her a few hours later and reminded her who I was. During the beginning
of that call, she said (and I quote), “I am a psych nurse. Are you sure you’re
not having a manic episode?” Even though she said it rather rudely, I just
tried to laugh it off and explained again that I just wanted to get to know
more people. I sincerely emphasized that “I used to think people were the
problem and now I know people are the answer for me.” She wasn’t completely convinced,
so I asked if I could call her back again sometime. I was feeling a sense of
urgency, so I called her back two more times over the next few days. She was
difficult to talk to at first, but I felt some hope because she continued to answer
the phone and I’m fairly certain she had caller ID.
During those conversations, I
learned she was a convert to the church, but hadn’t attended in years. I promised
her that I wasn’t trying to visit her because of a calling or church assignment,
I just sincerely wanted to know her better. On the third call, I let her know
that I wouldn’t keep bothering her if she wasn’t interested in developing a
friendship. However, she genuinely surprised me by calling back a couple days
later. We talked for almost 45 minutes about some really important and
difficult things in both of our lives. For example, she shared that her
only daughter had taken her own life in 1992 when she was 16 years old and that
her only son had died in their bathtub from a drug overdose in 2007 when he was
25 years old. I think she
thought telling me those sad experiences would scare me away, but I listened
carefully and expressed as much empathy as I could for those deeply tragic losses.
At the end of the call, I asked her if I could come over and visit her in the
next few minutes and she agreed. I was so grateful for the trust that showed.
I immediately walked over to her
house after that phone call. Instead of being hesitant that time, she opened
the door wide, smiled at me, and gave me a hug. I had quickly printed out a
list of things that helped me overcome the debilitating depression I had experienced.
I gave her that paper, along with a favorite kind of protein bar, since we had discussed
a couple of simple physical fitness ideas during our phone call. I asked her if
she would ever be interested in walking with me because I wanted more than
anything to do something to help people who had experienced depression like I
had. To my surprise, she said she would like to try that. So we decided right then
that we would start walking together on weekday afternoons. It became very clear
to me during our first walk that she was extremely depressed, so I didn’t know
how much I could actually do to change her situation. However, as I discussed
at the beginning of chapter 19, I learned from John Lund that all I needed to
do was “love much and do what I can do.” The two things I could try to do were
to walk with Janell as often as she would let me on weekday afternoons and try
to bring joy and cheer into that small time I spent with her. I didn’t know how
I could really make a difference for her, but I was willing to try to help in
my small and simple way.
My love for Janell grew quickly during
the handful of walks we went on, even though we had very little in common. As
we were walking back to her house one day, we talked with the woman who lived next
door to her on the other side. She explained that she was planning to have those
same sister missionaries over for dinner later that week and invited both of us
to join them. I don’t think Janell would have agreed under any other circumstance,
but I had already explained that I believed their message was the reason I was
brave enough to knock on her door in the first place. Later that week, I returned
to her home about a half hour before that dinner was supposed to happen. She
invited me in to keep her company while she finished getting ready. Her husband,
Dee, had started calling me “Wendy bird” (a reference to the Disney animated
movie, Peter Pan) when he opened the door before some of our walks. Janell
officially introduced me to him. Then I followed her back to their bedroom where
I sat (and bounced a little) on her tall, comfy bed and talked with her while
she finished getting ready for the dinner. I was a little nervous too, since I had
rarely been to dinner at other people’s houses before. Most of those dinners
had been when I was serving as a full-time missionary and they often made me
feel anxious back then also. It ended up being an enjoyable dinner, though. One
of the missionaries was very casual and fun. I remembered that from when they
visited my house. She helped us both feel much more comfortable than we would
have been otherwise, since we found out that the husband of the woman who had
invited us had served as a full-time mission president several years earlier. I
walked her home after dinner and gave her a hug.
I think Janell and I walked a few more
times after that and I was planning to walk with her for as long as she would
let me. Unfortunately, she also took her own life over Easter weekend in
mid-April 2014 (after we had only been walking together for just under two
months). I called on the Monday after Easter to see when Janell would like to
walk that afternoon. Dee was hesitant when I asked to talk with her and then,
after a long pause, Janell’s half-sister picked up the phone. She felt sad
about being the one to break the news to me and I remember just crumpling to my
knees with tears streaming down my cheeks as she explained the few details she
knew about what had happened that weekend. After we both cried as we talked for
those minutes, I asked if she would allow me to come over and give her a hug in
person. She agreed and I continued to cry as I told my husband.
I then walked, with tears still streaming
down my face, over to my good friend’s house who was serving as the Relief
Society president. She was as shocked at hearing the news as I was, since I had
talked to her about my happiness over the progress I was making with Janell during our
morning walks with the other women in the ward. She asked if she could call the
bishop to tell him and I said that would probably be okay. Then she agreed to
walk over to Janell’s house with me and I was so grateful for her support. The bishop
drove over before we arrived to ask if the ward could help with a funeral. Dee
agreed to a luncheon for the extended family after the graveside service, since
Janell would be cremated. Our visit was more casual than that one and it was a
comfort to Dee and Janell’s half-sister. My friend’s dad had taken his own life
years earlier, so she expressed sincere empathy to them. Janell’s half-sister
told me again that Janell had talked with her several times about the walks she
had been on with me. She told me that she didn’t believe anyone else could have
coaxed Janell out of her dark house and into the sunlight. I was so sad, but also
very grateful for that confirmation of Janell’s friendship with me. She hugged
me and then my friend and I slowly walked back home. Since my friend was the
Relief Society president, she had asked for a rough estimate of how many would
be attending the luncheon. So she was able to start planning for that with several
other women in the ward after she walked me to my doorstep. I was grateful for
her love and support, since I felt like I was still in shock over the situation.
She gave me a long hug and then left.
I attended the graveside service a
few days later and took the opportunity to share a few thoughts at the
microphone. When I found out what happened that Monday afternoon, I was
devastated. I seriously wondered what all that time spent with Janell had been
for because I really thought I was in her life to help save her life. However, God helped me know unmistakably that it was
because He loves Janell and her family. Looking back, I was able to have a
“goodbye” talk with her on one of our walks shortly before she died. I asked
her what she thought of me when I first knocked on her door a couple of months
earlier. She confirmed that she thought I was kind of crazy and we both laughed.
(That seemed to be the consensus with most women I visited. Most of them
thought I was trying to sell them something at first. They always seemed
pleasantly surprised at the end of our visit that it actually was only about
building a friendship.) Then I asked her what she thought that day as we were on
that walk. She said something similar to her half-sister. There was no one else
who could have convinced her to leave her dark house and walk out in the
sunshine. I reminded her that I
knocked on her door because God loves her and He wanted her to feel His love
through me. Just simple, little me. I could tell that she was softening toward
the gospel as we talked and walked and I believe she definitely left this life
going in the right direction. I have always appreciated a quote by Neal A.
Maxwell that says “Eternal things are always done in the process of time….
Direction is initially more important than speed” (Relief Society Personal Study
Guide 2: Learn of Me, “Love Within the Family,” p. 95).
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