I wish I would have included this comparison in my book

This is part of a post from one of my other blogs--dated December 7, 2008:

...When I went to the temple on Tuesday afternoon, it reminded me of how much I love the paintings that are hanging on the walls there. That is one of the reasons I have religious pictures hanging on the walls of our home as well--to remind me of the temple. 

These three pictures are all scenes from the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ and they all relate to each other.

Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life, the brazen serpent that Moses placed on the pole in the wilderness, and the Liahona are all currently hanging in my walk-in closet. 

There are a few verses in the Book of Mormon that tie these symbols together for me. In Alma 37:38-46 it says:  

"...I have somewhat to say concerning the thing which our fathers call a ball, or director—or our fathers called it Liahona, which is, being interpreted, a compass; and the Lord prepared it.... 

And behold, it was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. 

Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey; Therefore, they tarried in the wilderness, or did not travel a direct course, and were afflicted with hunger and thirst, because of their transgressions.... 

I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual. For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land. And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.... Do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way; for so was it with our fathers; for so was it prepared for them, that if they would look they might live; even so it is with us. The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever."

Basically, what it boils down to is this: The tree of life (and the fruit from the tree) symbolizes the love of God as manifested in His Son.

The brazen serpent that Moses placed on the pole in the wilderness also symbolizes the Son of God and the healing effects of His Atonement--if the people would just look at it, they would be healed from the bites of the serpents and would live. And if Lehi and his family would have faith in the Liahona which the Lord prepared, they would be guided in the wilderness. All of these are simple means to the same end. And the gospel is easy, especially if you compare it to the chaos and confusion that is in the world today. I am very thankful for the Atonement of the Savior and its influence in my life.

The Savior spoke about the yoke in Matthew 11:28-30. Sister Johnson compares the yoke to a modern-day symbol that she could relate to and saw regularly: her side-by-side refrigerator/ freezer. I can also relate to that because when I was younger I always thought it was so neat that the water and ice would come out of the front. I always told people that when I got one of those when I was grown up that I would have "arrived." Well, my husband bought me one a few years ago and so... I have, apparently, arrived in life. :) And I can also be reminded of the Savior's yoke whenever I look at it... which is quite often throughout my day. So, all of these things are easy and simple: the Savior's yoke, the Liahona, the serpent on the pole, and partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Life--but their effects are everlasting.

I know that the Savior's Atonement works. It's real. It is miraculous. And I'm so thankful for it.

This passage in Alma 7:11-13 explains so much about it:

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."

That is my testimony as well. I've felt His mercy in taking away the sins that I've repented of, helping me deal with difficult emotional struggles, comforting me in childbirth, and helping me as I try to be a good mother to my children. I don't always succeed, but I do so much better with His help and power than I ever could on my own. The key is to have faith in that power. To believe that He really loved us that much--personally, as well as collectively. To believe that He can truly save us now and eternally because of His righteousness. I believe Him and I love Him. I hope that I can somehow pass that understanding on to my children.

Recording the "great things" God has done

I spent about eight hours posting these eleven posts today. I was wondering if I had just been completely obsessive, but then I remembered 3 Nephi 23:9-14 ~ 

11 And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them? 

12 And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written. 

13 And it came to pass that Jesus commanded that it should be written; therefore it was written according as he commanded.

The things I wrote were some of the "great things" that God has done for me over the past six weeks. 

I planned to not post anymore after the first draft of the book was finished, but it felt like important work to do in preparation for the podcast interview on Wednesday morning. 

I posted the four thought downloads I sent my life coach between Saturday morning (before General Conference began) and Wednesday evening (prior to our session on Thursday afternoon). 

I made four separate posts of the details about my four spiritual experiences that pierced through the darkness of the past six weeks: 

• Scripture study on August 30th: Learning to love myself through remembering Christ
• Digital fireside on August 31st: Encouragement to continue, even when discouraged
• Digital fireside on September 19th: "More Purpose in Prayer"
• My answer during General Conference: Turn your full focus to Jesus Christ

Plus, a few posts about corresponding with a potential new therapist (we have a preliminary phone call on Monday afternoon) and preparing for the podcast. 

Podcast preparation

• This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:  

1. Tell me a little bit about yourself, so that I can introduce you on the podcast. (Ex: where you have lived, worked, passions, awards, family, creative endeavors or personal interests important things to you). This is a little bio of sorts. Please write in the third person and keep it to five sentences or less. 

Wendi grew up in Palmyra, New York; Orem, Utah; Tallahassee, Florida; and Longmont, Colorado. She has been married to John for a quarter of a century. They are the parents of two adult children and grandparents to a very loved baby grandson. She enjoys walking and talking with friends and family, taking pictures in nature, and spending time with her grandson. 

2. What is an interesting little known fact about you?

My Tetris skills help me with closet and drawer organization. :) 

3. Please share with me some of the “hard times” you have experienced and would like to share on the podcast. 

* I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar 2 Disorder, which is heavy on depression interspersed with periods of elevated mood called hypomania. Along with that, I have struggled with social anxiety, which made it very difficult to leave my house for several years. I also have overlapping challenges with generalized anxiety, perfectionism, and some obsessive compulsive tendencies. 

* I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. My right side has different levels of loss of feeling and discomfort from my ribs to my toes. My “uniform” has become heavy skinny jeans and very supportive sneakers. When I wear that combination, I have less discomfort and can walk without limping. 

* My husband and adult children no longer believe in the same way I do and no longer participate with me in organized religion. However, they continue to be some of the best people I know. This unexpected circumstance has caused some ongoing dissonance and loneliness in my life since August 2012. 

* Our children both had some medical conditions, which ended up triggering long-term emotional distress for me. Our son was in the NICU for the first 10 days of his life. Our daughter suffered from epilepsy during her growing up years, which required me to stay in the hospital with her for almost two weeks on two different occasions. 

4. What were the top 3-5 lessons you learned during your "hard times?” (You can list more than 5 if you want). 

* Comparing my life, accomplishments, or progress with others often causes discouragement and self-doubt. 

* We each have different strengths and weaknesses that give us the ability to influence, contribute, serve, love, empathize, and connect with people in unique and important ways. 

* Perfectionism isn’t the same thing as perfection. It causes unnecessary suffering in the form of stress, shame, and guilt while trying to achieve the impossible. 

* Walking in the fresh air and sunshine can help almost any problem seem a little more manageable. The act of moving your body and choosing to put one foot in front of the other is an effective way to change the direction of your thoughts—and eventually your life. 

* Focusing on “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing” is helpful when feeling immobilized by anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Breaking large problems into smaller ones or choosing to just “do the next right thing” is a powerful way to cope with feeling overwhelmed. 

* Mental illness is not a character flaw and when we talk about it more with others, we can lessen the stigma surrounding it, along with understanding that it affects many more people than we realize. 

5. How have you changed or what have you done differently because of your challenges? 

* I gradually learned to face my fear of leaving the house by walking to nearby destinations each day—to shop for a few items or run small errands. 

* After that, I continued learning to overcome my social anxiety by going out of my way to visit over 500 women. In the process, I was able to help several who also suffered with depression and anxiety. I also found some dear friends who have been an uplifting and supportive influence in my life. 

* Those activities built enough confidence in myself to return to college and earn an associate degree at Utah Valley University when my daughter started attending there after high school graduation. I was never able to take more than 6-9 credits each semester, but I rarely missed class and learned to turn in homework assignments early (unlike the first time as a young adult when I was often immobilized by anxiety and depression). 

* It also gave me the courage to move to a new home that we built to better fit my needs for MS. We lived in a four-level-split for over 18 years, but it became too difficult for me to climb stairs several time each day. So we built a home across town with main-level living and room to accommodate possible future wheelchair needs. Because of that, we have a place for our daughter and grandson to live in our basement. 

* I am still trying to learn how to self-comfort, instead of self-criticize. Showing compassion for others in their difficult circumstances is much easier for me than extending that same compassion to myself. 

6. Do you have a favorite Bible verse that you would like to share that became meaningful to you during your difficulty? 

* Philippians 4:13 ~ “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” 

 (That verse has helped me develop self-confidence and the strength to overcome anxiety and discouragement.) 

* Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” 

 (Those verses have helped me better cope with difficult circumstances that have been confusing and overwhelming in life.) 

7. Are there websites, books, music or other resources you would recommend to someone in a similar circumstance? 

The music and especially lyrics of Hilary Weeks (an inspirational, Christian singer) has become a type of soundtrack to my journey. In addition to her many CDs, she now has an inexpensive subscription program called “Live All In” where she releases a new song with additional material each month. More than anything else, her music helps interrupt the downward spiral of my thoughts and begins to replace them with more uplifting thoughts. 

8. Do you want to be able to have people contact you after the show? (Ex: on a website or on Facebook if they really connect with you and your story). If yes, please share your contact information. 

If people wanted to contact me, my writing blog is “Wend Your Way.” I’m not currently posting on it, but it includes many of Hilary Weeks’ lyrics, along with experiences and lessons I’ve learned during my journey. People could leave a comment with their contact information there.

*** 

After listening to 2.5 episodes of her podcast last night and this morning, I decided to post several updates—so there will be more than just half-finished book chapters on this blog. It has been very soothing to the anticipatory anxiety I was starting to feel about the upcoming interview, which will be on Wednesday morning. 

This is the "head shot" I sent
(my husband took it down by the Ashton's house on one of our walks a few months ago)

This is the picture I wish I could have sent.
It was taken of me and our grandson at the beginning of August. 

Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

• Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog): 

Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way. 

During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was. 

Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram. 

The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months. 

The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable. 

I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." 

One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses. 

And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction. 

I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite. 

That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus. 

By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them). 

Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes. 

So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path. 

I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month. 

The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)

• I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog): 

I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up. 

Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th. 

That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away). 

During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book. Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point. 

In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft. She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support. 

I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017). 

On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson. 

I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her. My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also. 

As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in. 

I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck. 

I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November. So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.

"More Purpose in Prayer"

• I sent this email to a temple sealer in our ward on September 19th:

I have meant to watch your talk for the virtual youth conference ever since the bishop sent out the link back on August 8th. 

I have been more depressed than I've felt in years (since about August 28th). I continue to have powerful personal revelation and try to follow it—and it just kept getting harder and harder. Well, today was the day. I have been watching your video off and on throughout the afternoon and evening. I made a sign for my "prayer closet" that says "Listen and Feel / Turn your prayers from casual to mighty." 

My husband walked in and wondered what was wrong. I was on my knees and explained that I was trying to get centered again. The scriptures you shared (I rarely ever read in Psalms and Jeremiah!) and especially that video you made at the end filled my soul with love and peace. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your testimony and gifts with us. 

• This was his thoughtful reply:

"You are welcome. I understand and relate to the need of becoming more centered from time to time. Especially in the current season in which we are living! Thanks for sharing with me part of your journey. I admire you for your desires and diligence and believe God will respond. May God bless you as you continue to seek and draw near to Him!"

• Powerful verses in Psalm 143 that were so meaningful to me during that dark time: 

David meditates on the Lord’s works and trusts in Him. A Psalm of David.

1 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness . . .

4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. 

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. 

6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah. 

(I learned from Emily Freeman that, in Hebrew, this can mean pause--she uses that word more as a time to ponder, rather than just a break in the psalm). 

7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me . . .

8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. 

9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. 

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. 

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble. 

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

• Notes from his digital fireside that I typed next to those verses:

* Take time to listen and feel when you pray. 

* Turn your prayers from casual to mighty. 

* Invite Him to join you throughout the day for strength, direction, peace, and comfort.

* Take time to think back and be grateful.

* Be willing to ask Him what you need to ask, how you need to change, what you should do to live according to His will for you. 

* Part of our journey is to rediscover the great love we already have in our heart for Heavenly Father and Mother and for Jesus.

* Our mistakes don't show lack of love for God--they are simply manifestations of our humanity. 

* As we draw near to Them, we are given grace to change and improve. 

* They are united in Their efforts to bless us. The Holy Ghost is a beacon that leads us to Them and shows us the way (the next right step). 

* Make Heavenly Father and Jesus the primary focus of your life. 

(That seed was planted exactly two weeks before I received the powerful follow-up prompting during General Conference!)

• Cross references: 

Psalm 91:15 ~ He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him . . .

* Jeremiah 29:11-14 ~

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 

12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. 

13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. 

14 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity . . .

* Doctrine and Covenants 88:62-64 ~

62 . . . my friends, I leave these sayings with you to ponder in your hearts, with this commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall call upon me . . .

63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. 

64 Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you

Three tips from Hilary Weeks' digital fireside (and some extra encouragement)

Hilary Weeks participated in a digital fireside on Sunday, July 19th. I "just happened" to watch it on August 31st, the evening of my 25th anniversary.

God reached me in a powerful way that evening. I took these notes: 

• Tip #1: Take inventory and present to the Lord what you have to offer, even if it seems small and insignificant. 

John 6:9-14 ~

9 There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many? 

 10 And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand. 

11 And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would. 

 12 When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost. 

 13 Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten. 

14 Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.

* This note was typed in the margins from a previous study: Offer what you have and are to God and ask Him to make more of you, so that you can do more and offer more to others. 

* Focus on Christ, rather than the problems that seem impossible to overcome. His yoke brings peace, settled feelings, and comfort. (Note from earlier that day during "Don't Miss This" video while studying Alma 31:32.)

• Tip #2: Create stillness. Fresh starts, refreshment, and renewal come from quiet moments with God. 

1 Samuel 9:27 ~ . . . stand thou still a while that I may shew thee the word of God. 

Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still and know that I am God . . .

• Tip #3: Stay the course. 

She quoted from this BYU devotional address by Jeffrey R. Holland in her digital fireside (it is also found in the March 2000 Ensign). 

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

* I have never had such hateful thoughts about myself as I have during these two months that I've been trying to write this book. (They came from the "being who is bent on the destructions of [my] happiness.")

• I texted Hilary the next day on September 1st: 

It happened again. I came across your July digital fireside last night. It was just what I needed to hear. I miraculously wrote the rough draft of my book in five weeks and have spent the last two weeks making revisions on parts one and two. I have three parts to go and I was discouraged. (It ended up being about 300 double spaced pages, which is 200 pages longer than I had planned.) Your encouragement from Elder Holland to "stay the course" came at just the right moment.

• I sent this email to Hilary on Friday, September 11, 2020: 

I apologize for being so familiar with you by texting. I wrote to let you know I was removing you from my contacts about four years ago, but you immediately texted back that I should add you back in. 

I texted a year ago to ask if I could use your lyrics if I wrote a book about my journey (because people kept telling me I needed to and I had NO idea how). I wouldn't even have a journey if it wasn't for your music. (I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.) You texted back that it would be an honor to have your lyrics included. 

Then on July 10th of this year, I was finally given the inspiration to write the book. I finished the first draft on August 18th and have been editing ever since—literally during every waking hour. That is a miracle, so I know there is some purpose for it. I guess I was inspired to ask you again about the lyrics, so I could find out that I need to re-think the whole thing. There may not be a published book after all. Can you please just tell me what the rule is? What am I even allowed to include? Thank you for being so, so kind and patient with me through the years. 

• She replied on the evening of Sunday, September 13, 2020 (after I had my mini "nervous breakdown," quit coaching, and decided to quit writing the book):

I was out of town over the weekend so I didn’t check my email! Rebecca is going to look into what the information might need to be for the songs. 

I just wanted to send you a note and tell you not to get frustrated and to hang in there! What you are doing is important! You can finish this and see it through! I KNOW you can. 

I’m sure the adversary would like nothing more than to see you quit right now. He knows you’ll continue to bless lives with this book and so he would love to see you get discouraged! 

He does that to me every time I write music. It is a sneaky and lame tactic. Stay positive and believe in yourself! You got this!!!! You are amazing!!!! Keep praying and taking the final steps. Just like on your walks!!

• My reply the next morning:  

Thank you for taking the time to send this uplifting and encouraging reply, Hilary. It means more than you know. I appreciate all of Rebecca's behind-the-scenes work as well. I will follow the rules on whatever both of you decide. 

(They ended up giving me permission the following Sunday to use the full lyrics of 30+ songs, like I had originally planned—after I had completely given up.)

Sabbath Success (August 30, 2020)

This is an updated section in a later version of my book. (I'm not going to keep trying to format it in double spacing because the HTML is too time consuming to fix when I transfer it from my word docs.)

Through coaching, I’m learning that stress doesn’t have to be a problem. I don’t have to let stress paralyze me and I definitely don’t have to fix the stress of other people. I can always choose to focus on faith instead. Two other helpful questions my coach has asked are, “What if you decided not to worry?” and “What if you decided to let God handle situations out of your control?” 

I emailed the following thoughts to my life coach on June 10, 2020, “I just need to feel that I'm enough right where I am. If I can do that, then the Savior can do his miraculous work of turning me into a better person than I have the ability to be on my own. Plus, Jody Moore is always saying the worst thing that can happen is a feeling. She often brings up the fact that we're all just humans and the human experience is hard. I do believe that everyone is usually doing the best they can with what they know—I need to remember that includes me. You have both talked about having compassion for myself and my human condition, just like I would have compassion on a friend who is struggling like I am.” 

I appreciated this reply from my coach, “The truth is whatever we are in this moment has to be enough because it’s just where we are. We know and God knows we will keep progressing, so it can just be enough in this moment . . . Until then, keep managing your expectations on where you think you should be with your growth. What if you are exactly where you need to be in this moment? This is where we trust God’s timing in what we need to hear, how we need to hear it, and when we hear it to change us.” 

My coach emailed the following counsel to me on July 24, 2020, “We just notice our patterns and stay in awareness. Writing out what is on your mind every day is a great way to keep looking at the thoughts jumping into your brain pool. We can also stay in awareness by noticing how we are feeling in certain situations—then trying to understand what thoughts were causing that emotion. We can then decide to feel something else or begin by just noticing the feeling and changing it over time.” 

I only ended up doing three “thought downloads” during August 2020 because I was finishing the first draft and part of the second draft of this book. 

I started to panic when I realized we only had six coaching sessions left. I wanted to postpone them because I still needed to work on the book revisions and I was disappointed in myself for not being more dedicated to making changes in my thinking in between sessions. She challenged me on my all or nothing thinking and explained that this was the perfect time to continue working with her. She then encouraged me again to start doing the daily thought downloads. I also postponed studying in the Come Follow Me program while I was writing this book—because I was looking up scriptures and conference talks during the whole process. I have missed it though. 

Today is August 30, 2020 and, since it was the Sabbath, I decided to do a thought download and then studied in Alma 31 (where I left off), instead of in Helaman (where the rest of the church is currently studying). I realized during my thought download that thinking I’m running out of time with coaching is coming from a scarcity mindset, rather than from abundance. I have also been battling with my harsh self-critic a lot lately. 

Verse 35 is part of Alma’s prayer, “Their souls are precious . . . therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.” I received some strong personal revelation when I read that and I wrote the following note to remind myself because it was not my natural way of thinking. “I am precious. God can give me power and wisdom to think and feel that truth.” 

Then I reread another verse I had been thinking about recently, “We will hide away our swords, yea, even we will bury them deep in the earth, that they may be kept bright, as a testimony that we have never used them” (Alma 24:16). I added a cross-reference link, along with this note, “Bury the sword of my rebellion against myself (in the form of shame, perfectionistic guilt, doubt, and fear)—as a testimony that I will no longer allow me to treat myself with harsh self-judgement. Don’t allow myself to think and feel in ways that disrespect what God has created.” 

The sacrament prayer was the final piece to this much needed personal revelation, “That they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember hm and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them” (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77). I ended the note this way, “As I remember Christ and have faith in Him, He will help me love myself more fully and apply His mercy to my thinking.” Wow. 

The truth is that I am trying, working, changing, and succeeding. However, life as a human is still messy—and that is okay. “Nothing has gone wrong,” as my coach frequently reminds me. My job is to not contribute to the mess by layering on negative emotion. Truth is truth, whether it is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I’m so grateful for powerful, life changing thoughts that will gradually become my own perspective with practice.

Chapter 28: Personal Revelation and Possibilities

I have worked a lot on this chapter also (in between working on the previously posted chapters). I'm going to post what I've pieced together so far on this one too, even though I don't have much commentary between the quotes. That way, I now have something posted for every chapter in the book! These last three chapters still need a lot of work. But it's a relief to finally post something for each of them. (I revisited this and posted more content on August 17, 2020.)

            The main way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. God inspired many of the experiences I’ve written about in this book. He knows our potential and possibilities. He can help us become so much more than we are on our own. Even though I still have difficult days occasionally, I have prayed for help all along the way and have been blessed spiritually and emotionally. I know I've been inspired by Heavenly Father to make the changes, develop the habits, and take the steps forward that have helped me become more of who He knows I can be.

            Jeffrey R. Holland explained, “It is the plain and very sobering truth that before [and after] great moments, certainly … great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness” (“Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” Ensign, Mar. 2000, 7). “But opposition doesn’t mean that Heavenly Father has abandoned you. He is there, and He will guide you. Sometimes we must move forward in faith until our way is illuminated. (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign, August 2013).

          Boyd K. Packer related this experience, “I returned … and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, ‘The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.’ I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: ‘You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.’ Then he quoted these 18 words from the Book of Mormon: ‘Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith’ (Ether 12:6)” (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign, August 2013).

            I shared part of this quote in the chapter on spiritual learning, but it is worth repeating. Richard G. Scott counseled,  “When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust. As you are sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit, one of two things will certainly occur at the appropriate time: either the stupor of thought will come, indicating an improper choice, or the peace or the burning in the bosom will be felt, confirming that your choice was correct. When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision” (“Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 10).

          James E. Faust, taught, “Let us not take counsel from our fears. May we remember always to … put our faith in God, and live worthy for Him to direct us. We are each entitled to receive personal inspiration to guide us through our mortal probation. May we so live that our hearts are open at all times to the whisperings and comfort of the Spirit.” ( “Be Not Afraid,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 6). Dieter F. Uchtdorf echoed the principle of a couple of the previous quotes. “There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do” (“The Why of Priesthood Service,” Ensign, May 2012, 59).

            I have been grateful for the wisdom in this quote from Joseph Smith for many years. “A person may profit by noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon; (i.e.) those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God, will come to pass; and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it, you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in Christ Jesus” (“Prayer and Personal Revelation,” Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 132). 

            I always pay closer attention when I hear prophets quoting previous prophets. Our current prophet, Russell M. Nelson, taught, “How can we find answers to questions that perplex us? If Joseph Smith’s transcendent experience in the Sacred Grove teaches us anything, it is that the heavens are open and that God speaks to His children. The Prophet Joseph Smith set a pattern for us to follow in resolving our questions. Drawn to the promise of James that if we lack wisdom we may ask of God, the boy Joseph took his question directly to Heavenly Father. He sought personal revelation, and his seeking opened this last dispensation. In like manner, what will your seeking open for you? What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or understand? Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the principle of revelation’” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

            He continued, “Does God really want to speak to you? Yes!... You do not have to wonder whom you can safely trust…. I urge you to stretch beyond your current spiritual ability to receive personal revelation, for the Lord has promised that ‘if thou shalt [seek], thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things—that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal’ (Doctrine and Covenants 42:61). Oh, there is so much more that your Father in Heaven wants you to know….  Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work. To be sure, there may be times when you feel as though the heavens are closed. But I promise that as you continue to be obedient, expressing gratitude for every blessing the Lord gives you, and as you patiently honor the Lord’s timetable, you will be given the knowledge and understanding you seek. Every blessing the Lord has for you—even miracles—will follow. That is what personal revelation will do for you” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

            One of the concerns that was expressed by the youth in a question and answer broadcast with Elder and Sister Bednar was how do you know whether it’s the Holy Ghost or your own thoughts that are prompting you? I loved Elder Bednar’s response and other valuable counsel in that eight minute video segment. His specific answer was, “If it invites and entices to do good, it comes from Christ, and we ought to do it.” (“Face to Face with Elder and Sister Bednar,” Worldwide Youth Event, 15 May 2015). I love these companion verses in 2 Nephi 32. Verse 3 says: “…feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” While verse 5 says: “For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.” So the more we study the scriptures, the more familiar we become with the way the Lord communicates with us. Most of the time, revelation comes to us a piece at a time. And it often builds on the previous revelation. As we follow the promptings we receive, the Lord knows He can trust us, and then He is more likely to send us more personal revelation. And, often, those promptings will come when we are already out trying to do good things. I’ve heard it humorously said that “even the Lord can’t steer a parked car.” Elder Bednar also points out that Nephi was already moving in 1 Nephi 4:6, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.” In addition, he had learned important lessons about what didn’t work in his first two attempts.

            Julie B. Beck explained, “A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do.... But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently. The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit.... Insight found in scripture accumulates over time, so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day.... Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to … record impressions and ideas. Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment…. It requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the Spirit of revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith through difficult days … Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help”
            She concludes, “Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times. We are told to put our trust in that Spirit which leads us ‘to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously’ (Doctrine and Covenants 11:12). We are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all things we should do (see Doctrine and Covenants 11:13-14).  Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us” (“And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit,” Ensign, Nov. 2010).            

             Joy D. Jones explained, “Learning is integral to progression, especially as the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost teaches us what is needful for each of us to lay aside—meaning that which could distract us or delay our progression…. Women wear many hats, but it is impossible, and unnecessary, to wear them all at once. The Spirit helps us determine which work to focus on today. The Lord’s loving influence through the Holy Ghost helps us know His priority for our progression. Heeding personal revelation leads to personal progression. We listen and act…. Our continuing role is to receive continuing revelation” (“An Especially Noble Calling,” Ensign, May 2020). 

            Russell M. Nelson continues from the talk quoted previously, “I am optimistic about the future. It will be filled with opportunities for each of us to progress… But I am also not naive about the days ahead. We live in a world that is complex and increasingly contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation. Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory. But in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost… I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation. Let this… be a defining moment in your life. Choose to do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost and hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

                Henry B. Eyring explained, “My hope today is to increase your desire and your ability to receive the Holy Ghost. Remember, He is the third member of the Godhead. The Father and the Son are resurrected beings. The Holy Ghost is a person of spirit. (See Doctrine and Covenants 130:22.) It is your choice whether to receive Him and welcome Him into your heart and mind. The conditions on which we can receive that supernal blessing are made clear in the words that are spoken every week but perhaps do not always sink into our hearts and minds. To have the Spirit sent to us, we must ‘always remember’ the Savior and ‘keep his commandments’ (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77)…. We all experience tragedy during which we need the reassurance of the Spirit…. My father had the companionship of the Holy Ghost at that moment to feel, to know, and to do what he did that day. He had received the promise, as many have: ‘That they may have his Spirit to be with them’ (Doctrine and Covenants 20:79)…. More precious than a memory of events is the memory of the Holy Ghost touching our hearts and His continuing affirmation of truth. More precious than seeing with our eyes or remembering words spoken and read is recalling the feelings that accompanied the quiet voice of the Spirit…. We have the priceless promise of the Holy Ghost as a companion, and we also have true directions on how to claim that gift. These words are said by the Lord’s authorized servant with his hands on our head: ‘Receive the Holy Ghost.’ At that moment you and I have the assurance He will be sent. But our obligation is to choose to open our hearts to receive the ministration of the Spirit over a lifetime” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            Henry B. Eyring continued, “The Prophet Joseph set an example for us of how to receive continual spiritual direction and comfort through the Holy Ghost. The first choice he made was to be humble before God. The second was to pray with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. The third was to obey exactly. Obedience may mean to move quickly. It may mean to prepare. Or it may mean to wait in patience for further inspiration. And the fourth is to pray to know the needs and hearts of others and how to help them for the Lord…. It has been my opportunity to observe the prophets of God as they pray, ask for inspiration, receive direction, and act on it. I have seen how often their prayers are about the people they love and serve. Their concern for others seems to open their hearts to receive inspiration. That can be true for you. Inspiration will help us minister to others for the Lord…. I bear my personal witness that the Father is at this moment aware of you, your feelings, and the spiritual and temporal needs of everyone around you. I bear testimony that the Father and the Son are sending the Holy Ghost to all who have that gift, ask for that blessing, and seek to be worthy of it. Neither the Father, nor the Son, nor the Holy Ghost force Themselves into our lives. We are free to choose…. I pray… that you will hear the voice of the Spirit, which is sent to you so generously. And I pray that you will open your heart always to receive Him. If you ask with real intent and with faith in Jesus Christ for inspiration, you will receive it in the Lord’s way and in His time” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            In another talk, Henry B. Eyring, explained “The Lord… tells us, that when we stand with faith upon His rock, doubt and fear are diminished; the desire to do good increases…. ‘For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up’ (Doctrine and Covenants 84:88)…. Sometimes you will be the angel the Lord sends to bear others up. Sometimes you will be the one surrounded by angels who bear you up. But always you will have His Spirit to be in your heart, as you have been promised in every sacrament service. You have only to keep His commandments…. Faith always defeats fear….And your prayers for those in need are heard and answered by a loving God. He neither slumbers nor does He sleep” (“Fear Not to Do Good,” Ensign, November 2017).

                I find that my biggest barrier to personal revelation is getting in my own way and “limiting the Lord.” I truly believe that God has no limits and that nothing is impossible for Him. However, I do get hung up on my limitations and lack confidence in my own abilities. As I mentioned in the beginning, I’m good at following promptings to act. But it’s difficult for me to be still in the moment. Mindfulness is something I mentioned in earlier chapters. I received some personal revelation about this back on September 20, 2017. This is what I wrote: “The Spirit works in the present. When I think about the past, I feel regret and when I think about the future, I feel anxious. But when I am mindful in the present, that’s when the Spirit can prompt me to action.” Taking time to be still before, during, and after praying, along with pondering while studying the scriptures are spiritual variations on mindfulness. I need to work on all of it, so I will renew my efforts in that area – again. It’s interesting how personal revelation can come while writing a chapter on personal revelation. The Lord knows how to reach all of us if we will allow Him the opportunity.