Two related key methods for easing
the pressure of perfectionism are not judging oneself against impossible
standards and not trying to do things in order to impress others. Devlin
advised, “Become free as you stop holding yourself to insanely
high standards . . . Instead of people feeling that they are on display and
trying to achieve an unobtainable ideal, it is time for women to be who they
really are” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Petra Kolber gave some advice
about physical fitness that provided a good example of this. “If what you do
personally . . . brings you joy, don’t change a thing. But if your diet is so
restrictive, if your workouts are so intense, that every moment you are
worrying” about your appearance, then you are missing the point (Halvorson 37).
“If you ease up a little bit, you will . . . experience more joy because you will
be able to connect on a deeper level” with other people “who struggle—because
we connect through our cracks” (37).
Two other key methods for easing the
pressure of perfectionism are practicing
courage by leaning into the discomfort of being imperfect and not taking
oneself so seriously by learning to laugh more. In the introduction of her
book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown
encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets
done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to
bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes
afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of
love and belonging’” (1). Dr. Brown explained that shame only works if it’s
kept in secret (Devlin) and she described how to shed light on shame: “If you
experience the continual thought saying, ‘I can’t believe I could be so
stupid,’ talk about it. Call a friend, talk to your spouse, and let others
hear what is pestering you inside. This courageous act will provide relief
and can often end in laughter” (Devlin).
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown shared the data which emerged from her
research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way
(129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics
to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure
of perfectionism. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person
let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55).
Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison,
self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person
let go of “being cool” and “always in
control” (117).
Finally,
one of the most powerful keys to easing the pressure of perfectionism is
learning to overcome the fear of failure by just being willing to try new
things without harsh self-judgement. In her speech, Professor Cassy Budd,
explained that her experiences gave her:
.
. . a deep appreciation for the value of the “try.” Simply showing up and
starting where you are is all that can be asked of you. Regardless of your
level of experience, your failures, or your perception of your own potential,
wherever you are in life, you just need to show up and try. Try . . . to ignore
the negative self-talk when your movements do not measure up, and try to focus
on the joy in the learning instead of the defeat in the failure. And amidst
your “try,” recognize that others around you are in the middle of their own
“try.” Celebrate their progress, even when they seem to be farther along than
you, and give them a pass when they fall short. (14 Feb. 2017)
Professor Budd compared making
mistakes while playing the piano with making mistakes in life. “When you allow
yourself to be paralyzed by your mistakes, you diminish your ability to be
useful . . . Making mistakes is simply part of the human condition and can be
one of your most productive learning tools. Yes, you need to recognize your
mistakes. But more than that, you need to find a way to effectively play
through them” (14 Feb. 2017).
As
I mentioned briefly in the introduction, one area where perfectionism has
caused me great distress is when I am required to write papers for my classes
in school. I usually have a few semi-nervous breakdowns during the process of
researching and especially in the first stages of writing. When I was a junior
in high school, I failed an
entire semester of English because I couldn't ever figure out how to
successfully push through that process. I just froze and couldn't function.
It's the only failing grade I ever received in school. As I have matured and
developed better coping skills in college, I have gradually improved in this
area. Because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I have continued to agonize for
days and weeks over the papers I’ve been required to write, but there have been
fewer breakdowns and I’ve recovered more quickly. I’m grateful to report that
the two semi-breakdowns I’ve had while writing this paper have ended in a
breakthrough. I chose to apply the methods I’ve learned in my research for this
paper to actually ease the pressure I’ve felt as I have written. Because of
that, I have been able to finish writing this paper much sooner than expected
and with much better mental health.
As with other personality traits,
perfectionism can be either adaptive or maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionists
set high goals and strive to reach them in positive and healthy ways.
Maladaptive or toxic perfectionists set goals and have expectations of
themselves that are much too high, which can lead to self-doubt and
self-criticism. There are many ways a person can ease the pressure caused by
perfectionism in their lives. These include learning to not compare oneself to
others, developing self-compassion, and learning to adjust expectations and
goals to a more realistic level. It may take a lifetime of practice to overcome
perfectionistic tendencies, but every effort is worth it because progress never
requires perfection.
