One definition of agency is
the capacity, condition, or
state of acting. Another simple
definition is the
freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard
many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes
heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they
wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven
that was centered around
the importance of having agency. (See
Revelation 12:7-11 and
Moses 4:1-4). In fact,
agency and Christ’s
atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.
I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve
used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will
just share a few of them. I’ve learned
that it is wise to assume everyone is doing
the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for
every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet
people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in
the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no
ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision
to see the good in all people and look for
opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences
and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can
reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being
inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on
the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity
that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not
perfect understanding.
I remind myself often that agency is a true
principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up
your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.” Just
as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for
themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work
well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An
example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she
was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind
to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I
was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she
would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the
months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would
mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as
an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to
honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was
born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I
have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which
wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be
grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.
I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will.
The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work.
He knows what is best in every situation. He
can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times
that will be most beneficial.
Proverbs
3:5-6 says, “
Trust in the Lord with all thine
heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and
he shall direct thy paths.”
I have learned that everyone travels the path leading
back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be
patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that
path at our own pace.
Over the past few years,
I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith,
testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important
lessons: you
can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen
when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own
agency to choose unconditional love
and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If
we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real
difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is
orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we
never know how He is working on people’s hearts.
My husband no longer believes in the way I originally
thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their
lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church
congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in
front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when
a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a
wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my
family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to
be kind as well.
Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing
as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out
with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of
Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and
Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There
were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated
this quote by Orson F. Whitney:
“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the
Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of
Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold.
Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to
pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at
last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and]
father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain.
Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you
see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr.
1929, 110).
The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call
this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am
learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that
is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have
said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency
perfectly.
