Self-coaching reminders 3

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up for awhile and make two more Spark reminders for myself.

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.

Chapter 13: Setting Expectations and Boundaries

* I'm posting what I've written so far about expectations. (I returned the next day to start writing about boundaries.)

            Once I was on a walk with a friend and she described expectations as “premeditated resentments.” Some people recommend just not having expectations, but sometimes I think that’s a tall order. It’s always a good idea to adjust our expectations, though, so we won’t be disappointment if things don’t go the way we hope they will. I choose to believe that people are usually doing the best they can with what they know. When people aren't being their best, the thing that will help most is to love them anyway. Not allowing yourself to get entangled in drama is also a good idea. Drama always thrives when we inflict unnecessary pain and suffering onto ourselves and others. Unnecessary pain happens when we layer guilt, resentment, shame, or regret on top of pain that already exists. Another friend used to tell me, “Thou shalt not ‘should’ on thyself!” when I had unrealistic expectations of myself and my abilities. Telling ourselves we should do something or shouldn't do something often creates the wrong kind of pressure and I think it impedes real progress.

            My husband and I have never been traditional gift givers. We like to wait until we see a need and then we try to give a helpful gift then, rather than always giving gifts on the observed or traditional holidays. So when people ask me if I’m ready for Christmas, I reply, “I’m always ready for Christmas.” I’m often given interesting looks when I exclaim this. But it’s not about the gifts wrapped in fancy paper or given in gift bags stuffed just right with color coordinated tissue paper. Those are kind and appreciated gestures of love, but Christmas is about so much more. Hilary Weeks wrote a song titled “When We Think About Christmas” (and it’s included in her Live All In program). The lyrics explain my feelings on this subject and I share them with her permission.  

…It’s a time to reflect on our blessings

When kindness and giving abound

It’s the way we should be living all year round

Chorus

When we think about Christmas we think about love

Love turns our hearts to God

God makes us holy as we become His

That’s what I love about Christmas

The wonders of His love

And grace from Heaven above

Bring us joy, everlasting joy and makes us one

That’s what we love about Him

            I have similar feelings about Easter. Both holidays are about the Savior – his birth and atoning sacrifice. David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman are two other amazing people who inspire me regularly. They explain celebrations for Christmas and Easter in a unique and profound way in both their books and “Don’t Miss This” YouTube videos. I highly recommend them.

            I’ve learned a lot about boundaries while working with my life coach and listening to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. Boundaries and expectations are very different. The purpose of a boundary is not to punish or control another person. Boundaries are a healthy way to show and keep love in our relationships. They show our authentic self and actually increase intimacy. A well-constructed boundary follows this pattern: “if this happens… then I will…” Boundaries are created by you, for you. We can make requests of others. However, we don’t try to control or manipulate others. Therefore, we keep the power, rather than giving it away to someone else. The ideal emotion to create a boundary from is love. That is the kind of boundary that will serve us the best in our relationships (see "Boundaries," Pivot Parenting, 21 July 2020).