I feel very strongly that
perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be
ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The
footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon:
Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I
would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is
perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after
he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for
resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.
We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that
even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations
from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness.
Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The
actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at
church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it
would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that
other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend
to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both
introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in
between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge
better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by
spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how
most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing
thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition,
there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It
Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015).
We are each on a
different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful
on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s
enough. If
we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending
on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having
with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us,
or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our
best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The
most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.
I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew
this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal
of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it?
It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots
of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward
direction. (And you will notice that this first dip goes even
lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I
didn’t purposely draw it that way.)
Last year, my therapist showed me another
way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel
like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better
soon.
My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary
Weeks, wrote a song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes
this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get
living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can
just realize that progress is still happening. It just
needs more time to become noticeable.
I was grateful for a talk by
Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May
2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be
patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do.
What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from
there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to
magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ
sees us. (See “Gather
to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy
for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see
ourselves and others through that lens.
As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this
life. We
can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His
perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change
us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13
counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in
him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in
Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and
enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement
has made all the difference in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment