Doubt and fear during moments of emotional struggle

Last night, it felt like I was starting to slide back into a depression. (Bipolar disorder is so tricky because the cycles can occur several times during a day, week, month, or year.)

I felt so sure that I was supposed to post all those details about my recent struggle on Friday, but then I started to panic that it was divulging too much personal information for anyone to read. (And what if it was just because I was having a hypomanic episode?)

I wondered who else might read this blog, since the podcast host read it prior to deciding to invite me as a guest next week. However, if she felt inspired that my story could help other people, then maybe that was one of the reasons it was important to make my blog public in the first place. 

I used this blog as an accountability tool as I struggled to write the first draft of my book. I have edited parts 1-3 so far and have made hundreds of revisions to what was originally posted here. However, I have put the project away for awhile, since it has been one of several activities that have taken my focus away from my family. 

I switched this blog to a private one last night before bed, so that I could stop worrying while I was trying to go to sleep. 

This morning, I decided that it was important to leave it public, in case it can help someone who is struggling. 

There may be flawed links or errors in my writing (especially since the original posts are just first drafts of those chapters). There is also a lot of repetitive information as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings in the recent posts. 

Bottom line: I am a flawed and imperfect human who struggles with mental illness. However, God can use me, or anyone else who is willing, to bless the lives of His children. Sometimes He uses our weaknesses to help others who struggle in the same way. That is my hope with leaving this blog available. 

Happy Sabbath. :)

Worry Less and Laugh More

I always appreciate it when life coaches phrase ideas as questions. It feels more powerful to me.

My friend sent me this picture she took in Alaska.
They are plastic flamingos. :D

 

Chapter 18: Spheres of Influence

* It took me almost the whole day to write this because life provides lots of little interruptions! (I returned on August 15th to add a picture, some song lyrics by Kenneth Cope, and a passage from Brad Wilcox's book.)

            I have been fascinated with three related phrases for several years. A person’s “sphere of influence” is the area where they have power to change or influence things. When an object is dropped in water, it sends out ripples that expand across the water. Likewise, when an event occurs that has a lasting, exponential impact, it is often referred to as a “ripple effect.” Sometimes, when it isn’t possible to pay back a kindness, a person may choose to “pay it forward as a way to express their gratitude. Perhaps, one of the reasons for my interest in these phrases is that they can all be applied to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and our response to its effect on our lives.

            Neal A. Maxwell eloquently explained, “ Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate…. Part of God’s ‘ample provision’ consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled ‘in the arms of [His] love’ (D&C 6:20)” (“Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Ensign, November 2002).

            Hilary Weeks wrote about how she struggled with feeling inadequate earlier in her life. “As I drove home I was feeling kind of bad about myself. Then the Spirit whispered a thought that has changed my life: Don’t worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you.” Now she compliments people, thinks of interesting questions to ask, and smiles first. She continues, “Focusing on others takes the worry away and helps me to be happy and confident” (Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are, pp. 19-20). As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I have spent a few minutes with Hilary on several different occasions over the past six years and she does just that.

            I drove up to Bountiful with a friend to attend a dinner party on August 19, 2017. This picture was taken as we were helping my friend to prepare the wontons for our Chinese dinner. 

I'm sitting next to Kenneth Cope and his wife. I was grateful to have the chance to thank him for his uplifting music. I attended Especially For Youth at BYU in 1986 and he wrote the theme song that year. On my full-time mission, I played his song, "Pass It On" (from the 1993 EFY cassette tape I loved listening to before I left home) as part of a message during some of our dinner appointments with members in the area. I made a CD of some of my favorite inspirational music a few years ago and it includes the song, "Broken," which he wrote with Eliza Cope. It uplifts me each time I hear it. (It is one of the songs on the 2005 EFY CD titled A More Excellent Way.) Below are most of the powerful lyrics:

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ 'til His name feels broken in

...And, yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name – my God loves broken things...

I'm grateful for his willingness to share his singing and songwriting talent that blesses my life and the lives of countless others.  

                I was given the opportunity to sit at the same table with Brad Wilcox and his wife during the actual dinner. It was just the three of us, which also gave me the chance to thank him for the lasting impact his July 2011 BYU devotional talk, "His Grace is Sufficient," has made on my life. Brad is a BYU professor, well-known speaker, author of several best-selling books. and was called as the second counselor in the Young Men general presidency of the Church in April 2020. He and his wife were both very kind and considerate during our time together. They asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the experiences I shared. In fact, Brad asked for my address, which I wrote on a napkin. A few days later, an autographed copy of his newest book, Changed by Grace, arrived in the mail. I’m sure there have been many other conversations with similar napkins. However, that made a lasting impact on me. 

            In that book, he comments on 2 Nephi 2:8, which teaches that we are saved "through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." I love how he explains these terms in such an understandable way and especially how they build upon each other. "Christ's merits mean He was the only one authorized and able to perform the Atonement. His anointing in the premortal world, unique birth, and perfect life made Him the only one who could atone for us. The fact that He chose to do so means He loves us. Christ's mercies mean that He was willing to save us from physical and spiritual deaths that came in consequence of the Fall. Even though we are completely undeserving, He can resurrect us, forgive us as we repent, and enter into a covenant relationship with us. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us just the way we are. Christ's grace means that He stands ready to transform and exalt us. He offers His divine help throughout that perfecting process. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are."

            Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler are also well-known speakers and best-selling authors. They co-host “Don’t Miss This,” which has helped me study the Come Follow Me curriculum in a way that doesn't feel so lonely, since I'm the only one in our home who actively participates in gospel study. They share insights about the scriptures in weekly YouTube videos that I enjoy watching. They are very talented at combining humor with spirituality and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I think that is a really valuable combination. They have emphasized that regardless of our calling or station in life, we are all called to love others.

            I’ve noticed that people sometimes form into cliques among a larger group. Often, there is a tendency to be less friendly to people outside the clique. Social sciences refer to this as “in-group” and “out-group.” I am always impressed with people who are confident enough to be friends with people in all the groups. Their sphere of influence is much greater because they are inclusive. Virginia U. Jensen explained, “Sisters in all life circumstances have opportunities to build and nurture others within their sphere of influence” (“Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment,” Ensign, November 1999). We each have a unique sphere of influence. Hilary, Emily, David, Brad, and Kenneth have a large sphere of influence and I’m grateful for the amazing amount of good they do in the world. However, each of us can spend our time lifting others and improving life for people around us in small and simple ways. Showing kindness, mercy, empathy, and love creates a positive ripple effect for good.

Chapter 4: Be Present

The wise, old turtle in the animated movie, Kung Fu Panda, explains the essence of this chapter. “You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present” (Dreamworks, 2008). I have learned that it isn’t useful to dwell on the past with regret because there is nothing we can do to change it anyway. The past still exists only in our minds. So, if we find ourselves continuing to revisit the past, we can learn to re-frame our thoughts in a more useful way that serves us better in the present. It can also be detrimental to look too far into the future, since that has the potential to increase anxiety.

D. Todd Christofferson gives good counsel on this subject. Since we all need to eat each day, he uses the phrase “daily bread" to make his point. “Asking God for our daily bread, rather than our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread, is also a way to focus us on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day (or even just part of one day) at a time…. The Spirit can guide us when to look ahead and when we should just deal with this one day, with this one moment.” He continues, “…asking for and receiving daily bread at God's hand plays a vital part in learning to trust God and in enduring life's challenges. We also need a daily portion of divine bread to become [better]” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).

In the last chapter, I discussed gradual personal improvement. Elder Christofferson describes it as “a step-by-step process. Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions most often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow, and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until victory is achieved. But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).

My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Be Where You Are.” (It is included in her Live All In program for 2019.) The lyrics are very helpful to me and I share them with her permission:

When the world seems to rest on your shoulders

And worry is all you see

You start borrowing pain from the future

That may never come to be

And you wish you could be somewhere else in time

But there’s so much beauty right before your eyes

Chorus:

So be where you are while you’re here

Live every breathtaking, ordinary moment

Embrace here and now and let everything else disappear

Be where you are while you’re here

Tomorrow has endless potential

Yesterday’s memories are sweet

But today is the gift you’ve been given

There are no other guarantees

So live every moment the best that you can

Give the ones that you love all the love you have

Don’t chase peace away when things are okay

Don’t miss the lessons when things get tough

Time’s gonna change things, ready or not

So just for a moment, let this moment be enough

            If you find yourself spending time worrying about all the things that could go wrong in the future, you will miss out on the simple beauty of each moment. That is why mindfulness is such a powerful principle. It grounds us in the present moment, so we can experience it more fully. I recently listened to an audio book titled The Founder of Our Peace: Christ-Centered Patterns for Easing Worry, Stress, and Fear.  Even that title alone is reassuring. In chapter two, the author explains a productive way to deal with worry in three basic steps. “First, identify the specific thing you’re worried about. Second, turn what you’re worried about into a statement of what you would like to have happen. Third, do something to act on what you would like to have happen. Or, if nothing can be done, trust that God will address it and forget about it by laying it at the feet of the Savior” (John Hilton III, 2020). I don't know if it's possible to completely forget an ongoing worry, but I do believe it can be put into a more realistic or hopeful perspective than we sometimes experience it.

            The main reason I appreciate the “daily bread” reference is that it reminds me to focus my attention on the Savior. “...And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Dale G. Renlund counsels us to “remember, joyfully and reverently, that the Savior loves to restore what you cannot restore; He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal; He loves to fix what has been irreparably broken; He compensates for any unfairness inflicted on you; and He loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts” ("Consider the Goodness and Greatness of God," Ensign, May 2020). That is why we can trust Him with our worry (and our regret). Often, those thoughts will bubble up again and that just reminds me to turn them back over to the Savior. Again and again, if necessary. 

                Hilary Weeks co-wrote another song with Cherie Call titled “All In.” (It is also included in her Live All In program for 2019.) Part of those lyrics apply here and I share them with her permission.

…I give thanks for all You do

You’ve got my life right in Your hands

And I feel safe ‘cause you understand completely
Chorus

I’m all in, all in

Nothing’s gonna take me away from where you are

I’m all in, all in

Nothing’s gonna change my heart

I’m all in

…Why would I leave, where would I go

You give me peace I’ve always known completely

Half a heart won’t do

I’m giving everything to You…

            Thomas S. Monson explained, “This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it…. There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today, and to live most fully today, we must do that which is of greatest importance. Let us not procrastinate those things which matter most.” He then shared this perspective from a woman who stopped “putting off the things most important to her…. ‘Now I spend more time with my family…. I try not to delay or postpone anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.’” He continued, “Let us … find joy in the journey. The old adage ‘Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today’ is doubly important when it comes to expressing our love and affection – in word and in deed – to family members and friends…. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.” He concludes with this wise summary, “Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present” (“In Search of Treasure,” Ensign, May 2003). Another often-quoted phrase by Bill Keane is also similar to the one at the beginning of the chapter. “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” Choose to live in the present and to be present in each moment.  

* I added some content to the end on July 19, 2020.