I wish I would have included this comparison in my book

This is part of a post from one of my other blogs--dated December 7, 2008:

...When I went to the temple on Tuesday afternoon, it reminded me of how much I love the paintings that are hanging on the walls there. That is one of the reasons I have religious pictures hanging on the walls of our home as well--to remind me of the temple. 

These three pictures are all scenes from the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ and they all relate to each other.

Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life, the brazen serpent that Moses placed on the pole in the wilderness, and the Liahona are all currently hanging in my walk-in closet. 

There are a few verses in the Book of Mormon that tie these symbols together for me. In Alma 37:38-46 it says:  

"...I have somewhat to say concerning the thing which our fathers call a ball, or director—or our fathers called it Liahona, which is, being interpreted, a compass; and the Lord prepared it.... 

And behold, it was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. 

Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey; Therefore, they tarried in the wilderness, or did not travel a direct course, and were afflicted with hunger and thirst, because of their transgressions.... 

I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual. For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land. And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.... Do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way; for so was it with our fathers; for so was it prepared for them, that if they would look they might live; even so it is with us. The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever."

Basically, what it boils down to is this: The tree of life (and the fruit from the tree) symbolizes the love of God as manifested in His Son.

The brazen serpent that Moses placed on the pole in the wilderness also symbolizes the Son of God and the healing effects of His Atonement--if the people would just look at it, they would be healed from the bites of the serpents and would live. And if Lehi and his family would have faith in the Liahona which the Lord prepared, they would be guided in the wilderness. All of these are simple means to the same end. And the gospel is easy, especially if you compare it to the chaos and confusion that is in the world today. I am very thankful for the Atonement of the Savior and its influence in my life.

The Savior spoke about the yoke in Matthew 11:28-30. Sister Johnson compares the yoke to a modern-day symbol that she could relate to and saw regularly: her side-by-side refrigerator/ freezer. I can also relate to that because when I was younger I always thought it was so neat that the water and ice would come out of the front. I always told people that when I got one of those when I was grown up that I would have "arrived." Well, my husband bought me one a few years ago and so... I have, apparently, arrived in life. :) And I can also be reminded of the Savior's yoke whenever I look at it... which is quite often throughout my day. So, all of these things are easy and simple: the Savior's yoke, the Liahona, the serpent on the pole, and partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Life--but their effects are everlasting.

I know that the Savior's Atonement works. It's real. It is miraculous. And I'm so thankful for it.

This passage in Alma 7:11-13 explains so much about it:

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."

That is my testimony as well. I've felt His mercy in taking away the sins that I've repented of, helping me deal with difficult emotional struggles, comforting me in childbirth, and helping me as I try to be a good mother to my children. I don't always succeed, but I do so much better with His help and power than I ever could on my own. The key is to have faith in that power. To believe that He really loved us that much--personally, as well as collectively. To believe that He can truly save us now and eternally because of His righteousness. I believe Him and I love Him. I hope that I can somehow pass that understanding on to my children.

Chapter 23: Daring to Be Vulnerable

* I added some content to the last paragraph on July 28, 2020.

            Pam Hansen is the author of Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph Over Obesity (2005). It took courage and vulnerability to share her story in such an honest and open way. As a result, she has helped and inspired many other people struggling with their own tragedies and weight loss journeys. We used to live in the same neighborhood as Pam’s family and I feel like we have a common thread in our stories. She was very depressed and went out for a walk one day in spring 2001. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in her losing 100 pounds in one year, completing three marathons, and founding the annual Running with Angels 5K run/walk in 2005. In a similar way, I was also very depressed with a different set of struggles and went out for a walk one day in 2011. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in me losing 46 pounds in 15 months, learning to deal with mental and physical challenges in a healthier way, and visiting approximately 500 women beginning in fall 2013.

            Pam also wrote Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality,Body Image, and Self-Worth (2008). When I visited her in 2014, she gave me an autographed copy as a gift. I appreciated her thoughtfulness during that visit. I have also been grateful for the kindness and love she has continued to show me. We went out for a healthy treat so we could visit one other time. During that visit, she gave me the gift of Liquid Sunshine in a pump soap from Bath and Body Works. That was the perfect gift, since her cheerful smile and sincere hugs have brightened several of my days during the time I’ve known her.

            In 2015, I walked in the Running with Angels 5K at Thanksgiving Point Gardens with a friend who was also trying to overcome her own challenges with mental illness and obesity. On page 57 of her first book, Pam wrote, “Change takes place one step at a time.” That is a main theme in my book as well. Writing is very difficult for me and I admire her ability to write two inspirational books in such a skillful and uplifting way. Her willingness to be vulnerable has blessed my life and I want to continue trying to follow her good example.

            I am grateful for the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will briefly summarize what I’ve learned from her about vulnerability and connection. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We need to be willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We need to learn to embrace vulnerability and understand that vulnerability is not weakness. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1).

            A good friend recently reminded me about this talk by Joy D. Jones. “Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth…. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less! We continue to … strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.”
            She continued, “Despite this marvelous truth, how many of us struggle, from time to time, with negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves? I do. It’s an easy trap. … Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well. Instead it holds us back. As we’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ In contrast, the Lord assures us that when we have virtuous thoughts, He will bless us with confidence, even the confidence to know who we really are. …We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives; but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost verifying the truth of our spiritual worth… If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves…. If we choose to focus on our negative thoughts and doubt our worth instead of clinging to the Savior, it becomes more difficult to feel the impressions of the Holy Ghost…. Let’s not be confused about who we are! While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence … As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            I recently listened to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. I was reminded again that it's okay to not know how to do something, to do it wrong, and to make mistakes. Failing is actually the best way to eventually succeed. Learning to own everything about ourselves and being willing to go through life with our flaws and humanity showing is at the core of vulnerability. These important questions were asked: “What if our value was untouched by our humanness? What if we seriously believed that?” We can be flawed and still be worthy of love and acceptance (“Vulnerability,” Pivot Parenting, 28 July 2020). I have been taught these concepts my whole life, but the way she phrased those questions was very helpful to me. When we clearly remember who we are, it gives us confidence to be our true selves. When we are willing to connect with others in a real, authentic, and vulnerable way, it allows them to see us. As we dare to be vulnerable and open in this way, it will help others have the courage to do the same. That is how our hearts can become “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (see Mosiah 18:21). We actually need to know what is in each other’s hearts for that miracle to happen.           

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly.