Podcast preparation

• This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:  

1. Tell me a little bit about yourself, so that I can introduce you on the podcast. (Ex: where you have lived, worked, passions, awards, family, creative endeavors or personal interests important things to you). This is a little bio of sorts. Please write in the third person and keep it to five sentences or less. 

Wendi grew up in Palmyra, New York; Orem, Utah; Tallahassee, Florida; and Longmont, Colorado. She has been married to John for a quarter of a century. They are the parents of two adult children and grandparents to a very loved baby grandson. She enjoys walking and talking with friends and family, taking pictures in nature, and spending time with her grandson. 

2. What is an interesting little known fact about you?

My Tetris skills help me with closet and drawer organization. :) 

3. Please share with me some of the “hard times” you have experienced and would like to share on the podcast. 

* I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar 2 Disorder, which is heavy on depression interspersed with periods of elevated mood called hypomania. Along with that, I have struggled with social anxiety, which made it very difficult to leave my house for several years. I also have overlapping challenges with generalized anxiety, perfectionism, and some obsessive compulsive tendencies. 

* I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. My right side has different levels of loss of feeling and discomfort from my ribs to my toes. My “uniform” has become heavy skinny jeans and very supportive sneakers. When I wear that combination, I have less discomfort and can walk without limping. 

* My husband and adult children no longer believe in the same way I do and no longer participate with me in organized religion. However, they continue to be some of the best people I know. This unexpected circumstance has caused some ongoing dissonance and loneliness in my life since August 2012. 

* Our children both had some medical conditions, which ended up triggering long-term emotional distress for me. Our son was in the NICU for the first 10 days of his life. Our daughter suffered from epilepsy during her growing up years, which required me to stay in the hospital with her for almost two weeks on two different occasions. 

4. What were the top 3-5 lessons you learned during your "hard times?” (You can list more than 5 if you want). 

* Comparing my life, accomplishments, or progress with others often causes discouragement and self-doubt. 

* We each have different strengths and weaknesses that give us the ability to influence, contribute, serve, love, empathize, and connect with people in unique and important ways. 

* Perfectionism isn’t the same thing as perfection. It causes unnecessary suffering in the form of stress, shame, and guilt while trying to achieve the impossible. 

* Walking in the fresh air and sunshine can help almost any problem seem a little more manageable. The act of moving your body and choosing to put one foot in front of the other is an effective way to change the direction of your thoughts—and eventually your life. 

* Focusing on “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing” is helpful when feeling immobilized by anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Breaking large problems into smaller ones or choosing to just “do the next right thing” is a powerful way to cope with feeling overwhelmed. 

* Mental illness is not a character flaw and when we talk about it more with others, we can lessen the stigma surrounding it, along with understanding that it affects many more people than we realize. 

5. How have you changed or what have you done differently because of your challenges? 

* I gradually learned to face my fear of leaving the house by walking to nearby destinations each day—to shop for a few items or run small errands. 

* After that, I continued learning to overcome my social anxiety by going out of my way to visit over 500 women. In the process, I was able to help several who also suffered with depression and anxiety. I also found some dear friends who have been an uplifting and supportive influence in my life. 

* Those activities built enough confidence in myself to return to college and earn an associate degree at Utah Valley University when my daughter started attending there after high school graduation. I was never able to take more than 6-9 credits each semester, but I rarely missed class and learned to turn in homework assignments early (unlike the first time as a young adult when I was often immobilized by anxiety and depression). 

* It also gave me the courage to move to a new home that we built to better fit my needs for MS. We lived in a four-level-split for over 18 years, but it became too difficult for me to climb stairs several time each day. So we built a home across town with main-level living and room to accommodate possible future wheelchair needs. Because of that, we have a place for our daughter and grandson to live in our basement. 

* I am still trying to learn how to self-comfort, instead of self-criticize. Showing compassion for others in their difficult circumstances is much easier for me than extending that same compassion to myself. 

6. Do you have a favorite Bible verse that you would like to share that became meaningful to you during your difficulty? 

* Philippians 4:13 ~ “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” 

 (That verse has helped me develop self-confidence and the strength to overcome anxiety and discouragement.) 

* Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” 

 (Those verses have helped me better cope with difficult circumstances that have been confusing and overwhelming in life.) 

7. Are there websites, books, music or other resources you would recommend to someone in a similar circumstance? 

The music and especially lyrics of Hilary Weeks (an inspirational, Christian singer) has become a type of soundtrack to my journey. In addition to her many CDs, she now has an inexpensive subscription program called “Live All In” where she releases a new song with additional material each month. More than anything else, her music helps interrupt the downward spiral of my thoughts and begins to replace them with more uplifting thoughts. 

8. Do you want to be able to have people contact you after the show? (Ex: on a website or on Facebook if they really connect with you and your story). If yes, please share your contact information. 

If people wanted to contact me, my writing blog is “Wend Your Way.” I’m not currently posting on it, but it includes many of Hilary Weeks’ lyrics, along with experiences and lessons I’ve learned during my journey. People could leave a comment with their contact information there.

*** 

After listening to 2.5 episodes of her podcast last night and this morning, I decided to post several updates—so there will be more than just half-finished book chapters on this blog. It has been very soothing to the anticipatory anxiety I was starting to feel about the upcoming interview, which will be on Wednesday morning. 

This is the "head shot" I sent
(my husband took it down by the Ashton's house on one of our walks a few months ago)

This is the picture I wish I could have sent.
It was taken of me and our grandson at the beginning of August. 

Chapter 30: Grace and Gratitude

I worked on this chapter for awhile this morning also. It went in a different direction than I had planned. So I'm going to post what I have of this chapter also. I'm really close to being finished with the first draft, but there is still a long way to go with editing and polishing. And I have a headache. I'm going to revisit this on a future day as well. (I only wrote about gratitude earlier. So I returned to add a section in the beginning about grace on August 18, 2020). 

            Brad Wilcox gave a BYU devotional address titled “His Grace is Sufficient” on July 12, 2011. That talk has had a profound influence on my life ever since I first watched it. Brad’s powerful message has helped me to reframe my thinking and has strengthened my testimony. His talk has guided my progress, much like the lyrics of so many songs by Hilary Weeks. It was discussed when I first attended a stake institute class in September 2013 and again when I took a Book of Mormon class at the UVU Institute during Spring 2019 semester. In this chapter, I will share the parts that have been most influential in my life.

            He explained that he will be speaking “about changing weaknesses into strengths and about how the grace of Jesus Christ is sufficient (see Ether 12:27, Doctrine and Covenants 17:8, 2 Corinthians 12:9,)—sufficient to cover us, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes.” He began with a story about a BYU student who asked to speak with him. “She said, ‘I just don’t get grace… I know I need to do my best and then Jesus does the rest, but I can’t even do my best.’ She continued, ‘I know that I have to do my part and then Jesus makes up the difference and fills the gap that stands between my part and perfection. But who fills the gap that stands between where I am now and my part?’” That girl could have easily been me. As a perfectionist, I have asked those same questions countless times during my life. Brad’s reply continues to be so helpful to me, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us… He paid our debt in full. He didn’t pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished… You have plenty to do, but it is not to fill that gap. We will all be resurrected. We will all go back to God’s presence. What is left to be determined by our obedience is what kind of body we plan on being resurrected with and how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and how long we plan to stay there.”

            He continued by explaining more about the doctrine of Christ. “Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His. Justice requires immediate perfection or a punishment when we fall short. Because Jesus took that punishment, He can offer us the chance for ultimate perfection (see Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) and help us reach that goal. He can forgive what justice never could, and He can turn to us now with His own set of requirements.” I have written notes in my scriptures for both of the verses he referenced. When I took “Repentance and Forgiveness” during my last semester of institute, I was very grateful for what I learned from 2 Nephi 2:7. It says that Christ “offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” My teacher explained that means both ends of the law – forgiveness when we sin and compensation when we have been wronged in any way. That felt so comforting to me. In 3 Nephi 9:20, Christ explains, “whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.” I wrote, “we are bathed in the Spirit after we are baptized and confirmed. We may not realize it because He is always there (by default).”

            He continued with the story. “’So what’s the difference?’ the girl asked. ‘Whether our efforts are required by justice or by Jesus, they are still required.’” Brad gave this helpful reply, “True… but they are required for a different purpose. Fulfilling Christ’s requirements is like paying a mortgage instead of rent or like making deposits in a savings account instead of paying off debt. You still have to hand it over every month, but it is for a totally different reason.” Then he shared a really helpful analogy. “Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher… Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice. If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing… perhaps it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn’t see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane.”

            He explained, “In the same way, because Jesus has paid justice, He can now turn to us and say, ‘Follow me’ (Matthew 4:19), ‘Keep my commandments’ (John 14:15). If we see His requirements as being way too much to ask (‘… None of the other Christians have to pay tithing… go on missions, serve in callings, and do temple work!’), maybe it is because we do not yet see through Christ’s eyes. We have not yet comprehended what He is trying to make of us.” He then quoted Bruce C. Hafen’s book. “The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character” (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).

            He continued the explanation, “Let’s put that in terms of our analogy: The child must practice the piano, but this practice has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its purpose is change. I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, ‘You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven.’ I say, ‘No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it (see Doctrine and Covenants 78:7). We are practicing for it.’ They ask me, ‘Have you been saved by grace?’ I answer, ‘Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!’ Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: ‘Have you been changed by grace?’ They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for… As my friend Omar Canals puts it, ‘While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us.’ As Moroni puts it, grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior (see Moroni 7:48). The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly (see John 10:10). The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can be cleansed and consoled but that we can be transformed (see Romans 8). Scriptures make it clear that no unclean thing can dwell with God (see Alma 40:26), but… no unchanged thing will even want to. …Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to be heavenly.”

            Then he explained this in an even more profound way. “…The older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, ‘Let me stay.’ No, he will probably be saying, ‘Get me out of here!’ Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, ‘Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.’ The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there. If Christ did not require faith and repentance, then there would be no desire to change… [Some people] are not trying to abandon sin and become comfortable with God. Rather, they are trying to abandon God and become comfortable with sin. If Jesus did not require covenants and bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost, then there would be no way to change. We would be left forever with only willpower, with no access to His power. If Jesus did not require endurance to the end, then there would be no internalization of those changes over time. They would forever be surface and cosmetic rather than sinking inside us and becoming part of us—part of who we are.”

            Because I still struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, the next part of his talk was very instructive to me. He listed some general excuses, “…‘I’m just not very good at the piano. I hit a lot of wrong notes. It takes me forever to get it right.’ Now wait. Isn’t that all part of the learning process? When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven? Too many are giving up on the Church because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they always feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace. … There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can… ‘continue in patience until [we] are perfected’ (Doctrine and Covenants 67:13).”

            There is a very misunderstood scriptural passage in our culture. Brad clarifies it beautifully. “…Christ is not waiting at the finish line once we have done ‘all we can do’ (2 Nephi 25:23). He is with us every step of the way.” He then quotes Bruce C. Hafen’s book as a second witness, “The Savior’s gift of grace to us is not necessarily limited in time to ‘after’ all we can do. We may receive his grace before, during and after the time when we expend our own efforts” (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 155). A third witness comes from a “Don’t Miss This” video I watched on March 5, 2020. David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman focus on this concept frequently in their teaching and writing. This is the full verse, “For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” David and Emily point out that it says earlier in the verse that “believing in Christ is all we can do.” They also point out that “we” is the combination of Jesus and each of us.

            Brad then strings these powerful phrases together, “So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher’s touch.” He references Hebrews 12:2 there. It is one of my favorite verses in all of scripture and I learned to love it even more as I studied it during my institute classes. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross…” I wrote a note in my scriptures next to that verse. “We are the joy that was set before Christ which helped Him endure until His atoning sacrifice was finished.” I cross referenced that with Hebrews 6:18-20. It says, “That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus.” I love that! I wrote another note in my scriptures on March 5, 2020, so it was also inspired by that “Don’t Miss This” video. “Jesus provides the hope that is set before us, just as we were the joy that was set before Him during His atoning sacrifice for each of us.”

            Brad continued, “The first company of Saints entered the Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847. Their journey was difficult and challenging; still, they sang:

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.” (That phrase is the inspiration for the name of my blog.)
“Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
[“Come, Come, Ye Saints,” Hymns, 2002, no. 30]

‘Grace shall be as your day’—what an interesting phrase. We have all sung it hundreds of times, but have we stopped to consider what it means? ‘Grace shall be as your day’: grace shall be like a day. As dark as night may become, we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins, and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the grace of Jesus Christ. Do we earn a sunrise? No. Do we have to be worthy of a chance to begin again? No. We just have to accept these blessings and take advantage of them. As sure as each brand-new day, grace—the enabling power of Jesus Christ—is constant. Faithful pioneers knew they were not alone. The task ahead of them was never as great as the power behind them.” Emily Freeman also shared her thoughts about this phrase, “The grace, or enabling and strengthening power, we desire will be given according to the needs of our day. In other words, ‘Grace will be given as your day requires.’ Another favorite hymn teaches this same principle: ‘As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be’ (‘How Firm a Foundation,’ Hymns, no. 85)” (Making it Through the Middle, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2014], 17-18).  A dictionary definition of succor is “assistance and support in times of hardship and distress.”  I’ve also heard it described as the Savior “running to” someone in distress.

            Brad Wilcox concluded, “The grace of Christ is sufficient—sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes. The Book of Mormon teaches us to rely solely on ‘the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah’ (2 Nephi 2:8). As we do, we do not discover—as some Christians believe—that Christ requires nothing of us. Rather, we discover the reason He requires so much and the strength to do all He asks (see Philippians 4:13). Grace is not the absence of God’s high expectations. Grace is the presence of God’s power (see Luke 1:37). Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said the following: ‘Now may I speak . . . to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short. . . .This feeling of inadequacy is . . . normal. There is no way the Church can honestly describe where we must yet go and what we must yet do without creating a sense of immense distance. . . .This is a gospel of grand expectations, but God’s grace is sufficient for each of us’ [‘Notwithstanding My Weakness,’ Ensign, November 1976, 12, 14]. With Elder Maxwell, I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need…. Don’t quit. Keep trying… Look for the Lord and His perfect strength… Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace…. Jesus is pulling with you…”

          Grace is one of the gifts of God that I am most grateful for. That’s why I combined gratitude with grace in this chapter. “Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received. As we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be… spiritually strong.” When we “regularly express our gratitude to God for the blessings He gives us and to others for the kind acts they do for us,” our gratitude grows. “Gratitude is an uplifting… attitude. People are generally happier when they have gratitude in their hearts. We cannot be bitter, resentful, or mean-spirited when we are grateful” (“Gratitude,” Gospel Topics, churchofjesuschrist.org).

            I love these descriptions of gratitude from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “…render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you… and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another… and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you” (Mosiah 2:20-22). “…worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you” (Alma 34:38).

            Henry B. Eyring has often taught the importance of expressing gratitude in our prayers and in a journal. He explained, “Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done” (O, Remember, Remember, Ensign, Nov. 2007).

            In my Positive Psychology class, we were also taught the importance of gratitude journals. I’ve noticed that gratitude in my present circumstances doesn’t necessarily change anything about my situation, but it changes how I feel about it. It can almost instantly transform my worry into peace. I’m grateful every day for the atonement of Jesus Christ, which showers the gifts of grace, repentance, forgiveness, hope, and peace into my life and allows me unlimited opportunities to change and improve. I’m equally grateful to Heavenly Father for giving us the gift of His Son. I’m grateful to Him for answered prayers, divine intersections, miracles, freedom to choose, and eternal perspective. I’m grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost, which testifies of Them, and for the personal revelation, inspiration, guidance, and protection from harm He gives. I’m grateful for living prophets and apostles, for Priesthood power, for temples and ordinances, and for the sacrament, which allows us to renew our covenants each week. I’m grateful for the strength and comfort I receive from studying the scriptures and listing to uplifting music.

           What are you grateful for? In addition to the important list above, I’m grateful for the beauty of nature and the opportunity to live close to these majestic mountains. I’m especially grateful for warm sunshine and cool breezes, blue skies, white fluffy or wispy clouds, sunsets and rainbows after rain, green leaves on shade trees and colorful leaves in the fall, crunchy leaves to walk through, spring blossoms on a variety of trees, cheerful flowers in other people’s yards, and the sound of ocean waves. I’m grateful for the blessings of freedom and protection in our country, for garbage trucks that pick up our waste each week; for a comfortable home that provides protections from the elements with electricity, running water from faucets, warm water for showers, indoor plumbing, air conditioning and ceiling fans to keep us cool in the summer, furnaces to heat our homes in the winter, vacuums and microwaves, stoves and ovens, dishwashers and garbage disposals, freezers and refrigerators with ice and water dispensers, washing machines and dryers, curling irons and hair dryers, fresh smelling detergent and fabric softener, toilet paper and paper towels, comfortable beds with clean sheets.

                I’m also grateful for locks on doors and windows that keep us safe, lights on the outside of houses and nightlights for comfort, bannisters next to stairs, lawnmowers and other yardwork equipment, automatic sprinkler systems and automatic garage doors that open with the push of a button, dependable cars, computers and printers, laptops, internet and email, cell phones with built in cameras, texting and Instagram, digital pianos and streaming music. I’m grateful for a healthy body, eyes that see, ears that hear, nose that smells, able hands to serve with, feet and legs to walk with, good hair days, times when I can think clearly and focus, smiles and straight teeth, orthodontists who know how to straighten them if they’re not, healing and restorative sleep, healthy pregnancies, modern medicine, kind doctors and dentists, empathetic psychiatrists and therapists, life coaches who teach how to think and feel in beneficial ways, plenty of food, feeling full and not fat, clothes that fit well, wrinkle-free clothes, savings in the bank, Quicken and finances that balance, paid bills and tax returns. I’m grateful for my husband who loves me and sees the good in me (even when I don’t), who works so hard to provide our comfortable lifestyle; for his ability to cook delicious meals, his willingness to help keep the house clean and in good repair, his conscientious care of the yard, his talent with woodworking and playing the guitar. I’m grateful for our two children and how they have grown into kind and capable adults, for a healthy and happy grandson who lives with us, and for parents and siblings who care. I’m grateful for good friends to walk and talk with, hugs and laughter, good people who inspire me and are willing to serve others, the ability to drive where I need to go, the ability to organize and carry a tune, time to relax and recover, not having to work outside the home, having my own office with uplifting pictures and sayings on every wall. I’m grateful for yummy smelling lotion for dry skin, Neosporin for cuts, lip balm, sugar cones for an occasional ice cream treat, pebbled ice, kiwi strawberry Propel to drink, Belvita breakfast biscuits for snacks, puppies and babies… This list could go on and on. 

***

            The main reason I chose to serve a mission was to share the good news that there is always hope in Christ. Jeffrey R. Holland explained. “Repent (is) perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary” (“Broken Things to Mend,” Ensign, May 2006). Richard G. Scott reminded us, “Repentance is not punishment. It is the hope-filled path to a more glorious future.” (“Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Nov. 2013). The Bible dictionary gives this helpful explanation of repentance, “The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.” (“Repentance,” Bible Dictionary).

            I once taught a lesson about repentance to the women in our church congregation. Ezra Taft Benson taught, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. …Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world” (“Principles of True Repentance,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 78). That quote has held special significance to me, especially since I served in North East Philadelphia during the first three months of my full-time proselyting mission. One person who truly changes can help break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness in their family. 

Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” That is good counsel for all of us. 

Chapter 29: A Growing and Evolving Testimony

Originally, this chapter was going to be called "Growth and Evolution of Testimony." Last night, I decided that this title sounded a little better. I have been working on this chapter almost all day. It's still not the way I want it, but I'm going to post it and come back later with fresh eyes. (I returned to make some corrections and added the last two paragraphs on August 17, 2020.)

 

            I wrote down my testimony in January 2016 for my nephew’s baptism and thought it would be a good way to open this chapter. “My parents taught me the gospel as I was growing up, but it was important for me to develop my own testimony separate from theirs. My testimony grew little by little, like drops of water filling a bucket. I gradually learned that living the gospel brings joy and peace as I watched the examples of my parents, teachers, leaders, and good friends. Through studying the scriptures and attending church and seminary, I learned that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is described as ‘true and living.’ However, I don't want that to sound like I am criticizing other churches or the really good people that attend them. Here are some of the reasons I have found for that description: The Church today has the same structure as the Church that existed when Jesus lived on the earth. It actually has been restored. Prophets and apostles guided and taught people throughout the scriptures and we are guided by a prophet and apostles today. Just like they had the priesthood then, we have the priesthood today. Because we have the priesthood, our lives can be blessed by the ordinance of baptism and the ordinance of the sacrament each week. Our lives can also be blessed by the ordinances in the temple. The Church is ‘true’ because it is actually led by Jesus Christ. It is ‘living’ because we have the priesthood, prophets, ordinances, and the gift of the Holy Ghost that continues to testify of truth to each individual. Unfortunately, the Church is filled with imperfect people, but it's not the people that make the Church true. We are trying to do the best we can along the way, just like people in other churches are. It is the doctrine that makes the difference.”

            I continued, “Heavenly Father knows each of us personally. He really does hear and answer prayers. I have learned that He often answers our prayers through other people. When we truly love Him, it leads us to want to serve Him. It also helps us to love ourselves and the people around us. When we love others, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and try to help them to solve theirs. I know that the Atonement of Christ really works. I know that Jesus really did die for us and that He really was resurrected. Because He lives, we will all live again and have the opportunity to be with our families after this life on earth. Heavenly Father and Jesus love us and are aware of us. They will magnify us for the tasks They need us to accomplish when we have faith in Them. I also know that the Holy Ghost is real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that He inspires and prompts us to live righteously.”

            I continued, “I know that there is always hope through the Atonement of Christ. Because of His atoning sacrifice, we can forgive and be forgiven. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His Atonement gives me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it gives me to overcome my challenges. I know that Jesus perfectly understands what each of us goes through in this life and is perfectly able to help us because of what He suffered during His Atonement. With the Savior’s help, I have been able to work on one goal or habit at a time and have slowly turned many of my weaknesses into strengths. I’m thankful for that ongoing miracle. As we practice living righteously, we will eventually become perfect through the grace of Christ.” 

            I continued, “I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith in answer to his prayer and that They restored the original gospel to the earth through him. I also know that They helped him translate the Book of Mormon so that we would have it to bless our lives and to clarify the truth that is in the Bible today. I have experienced the power that comes from reading the Book of Mormon each day. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, just like the prophets before him and since him. His life changed when He read in the scriptures about asking questions directly to God. He wasn't perfect, but he was willing and God was able to work through him to restore truth to the earth. I am thankful for his example of doing difficult things that he knew were right.”

            I concluded, “During my life, I have learned that the Church and gospel are true through sincere prayer, scripture study, listening to the promptings of the Spirit, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I have continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of the truth. I am thankful that we are able to pray about what the prophet and apostles teach us so that we can gain a sure witness for ourselves. The gift of agency is important and central to Heavenly Father’s plan for us. Just as we can’t force others to have faith, Heavenly Father won’t force us to have faith. As we choose to believe and live the principles of the gospel, we will be blessed.”

            Jeffrey R. Holland gives wise counsel on the subject of belief and testimony. “Observation number one… when facing the challenge of faith…in the growth we all have to experience in mortality…. In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited.… When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes…. The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know. The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your ‘unbelief.’…Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not!... Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But… don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            He continued, “This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith. So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work….So be patient and kind and forgiving” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            He concludes, “Last observation: When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help. If we want it… humbly and honestly… we can get it. The scriptures phrase such earnest desire as being of ‘real intent,’ pursued ‘with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God’ (2 Nephi 31:13). I testify that in response to that kind of importuning, God will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief…. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe….” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            Dieter F. Uchtdorf also gives excellent counsel on this subject. “…It’s natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true. Therefore…my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ” (“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).

          He continued, “The Church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the exhausted. It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the commandments, even if they haven’t mastered them yet…. If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ” (“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).

            D. Todd Christofferson explained, “The Prophet Joseph Smith confirmed the Savior’s central role in our doctrine in one definitive sentence: ‘The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.’  Joseph Smith’s testimony of Jesus is that He lives, ‘for [he] saw him, even on the right hand of God; and [he] heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:23; see also verse 22)” (“The Doctrine of Christ, Ensign, May 2012).

            Throughout the Church, a fast and testimony meeting is held once each month, usually on the first Sunday, during sacrament meeting. I don’t generally ever plan to stand up and bear my testimony in fast and testimony meeting. However, I have often felt inspired to write down my thoughts during the sacrament. Sometimes I do feel the nudge to share it publicly. I’ve kept a record of them over the past decade. On April 11, 2010, I shared the following thoughts during my testimony. “I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ works. The Lord really cares about us and He is aware of us.” I then shared two verses from The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “...Their preservation was astonishing.... And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe— that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power” (Alma 57:26). “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33). I concluded, “The Lord will make us equal to the task He needs us to accomplish when we have faith in Him.”

            On November 9, 2010, I sent an email to my sister-in-law, who was meeting with the missionaries. I will share some of it, with a few corrections for clarity. “Praying for specific answers is always a little tricky for me too.... I always try to spend a few seconds before and after my prayers trying to just be still inside. Then after I ask, I pause again. Sometimes I hear distinct words or phrases in my mind that are similar to my thoughts, but are accompanied with a sure or peaceful feeling. And sometimes I just feel more certain afterward. I always try to ask that if it's a ‘yes’ answer, I will feel certain about it and won't second-guess it anymore. And that if it's a ‘no’ answer, I'll feel even more confused and upset about it. That has helped me with answers to questions in the past. For me, it really does boil down to the way I'm feeling about it.”

            I then shared most of the testimony from the beginning of this chapter. I continued, “I know it seems crazy to say that I know this. But I have had these truths confirmed to me over and over again… and I couldn't feel more strongly about them. You know how much I struggle with attending church because of my group situation issues. And, believe me, it would be so much easier for me to just not go ever again and to deny all of this. But these truths really do bless my life each day and it makes me want to keep going, even though it's difficult for me. I really do hope that you'll be able to find out these and other truths for yourself.... I also hope that you (and my brother) will be able to have these truths in your lives and in your home to bless you and your future family. The priesthood blessings I've received from my dad (and husband) have been a great strength to me. I've felt the power of their words and I know the blessings they speak are coming from Heavenly Father through them to me. I know Heavenly Father really does know each of us personally. He knows me and He knows you. And I know He really does answer prayers. I hope you'll be able to clearly feel the answers He gives you. And, more than anything, I know that Jesus really did die for us and that He really does live now. And because He lives, you and I will live again after this life and we won't have to deal with all the hardships and heart ache that accompany this earthly life anymore. We will have passed the test. And we'll be able to live with our family in deep and abiding happiness for eternity.”

            I concluded, “I hope my sharing those feelings helps in some way. After I prayed for you again just now, I felt like I should share them. I hope it doesn't annoy you. I love you (and my brother) and I know that searching this out together will bless your already happy marriage. Don't worry, I won't always be this preachy and serious. I just wanted to state for the record how I felt. And if there's anything I can do to help you as you're trying to find out the truth of these things for yourself, just let me know. You know me. I'm not anywhere close to perfect, but I think you know I always try to be honest and open…. I'll just keep praying for you (and my brother) and will respect your desire to figure it out on your own without outside interference. And I'll love you no matter what you decide. I promise.”

               I practiced proclaiming my testimony more boldly during fast and testimony meeting on January 2, 2011. “I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on the earth. It's true because it's the actual church of Jesus Christ that has been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. And it's living because of the gift of the Holy Ghost and the priesthood that makes possible the ordinances of the sacrament and in temples. We teach the gospel within the structure of the Church. But we can learn so much about living the gospel from other good people throughout the world who often live it much better and more fully than many of us.”

               I will just insert a quote by Joseph Fielding Smith here. “And so we say to the good and noble, the upright and devout people everywhere: Keep all the good you have; cleave unto every true principle which is now yours; but come and partake of the further light and knowledge which that God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever is again pouring out upon his people.” (“A Witness and a Blessing,” Ensign, May 1971).

               I continued my testimony, “I know that there is always hope because of the Atonement of Christ. I'm thankful for His birth that we celebrated last month. I was reminded that the manger, because it is actually a feeding trough, is more like a table than a bed. And because Jesus is the Bread of Life, His laying in the manger reminded us of the bread that is now administered from the sacrament table each week. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His Atonement gives me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it gives me to overcome my challenges. And, right now, I'm very thankful that my medicine is working better so that it's easier for me to attend church. I also hope to be able to attend the temple more easily this year.”

            I bore the following testimony on October 16, 201l. “Alma 34:31 says, ‘...now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you.’ I wrote these two thoughts in the margin of my church scriptures several years ago: 1.) The Lord is just waiting to help us and bless us. As soon as we take a step in the right direction, He immediately applies the plan of redemption in our lives. 2.) Repentance means a change of heart, and a true change of heart shows in our actions. When we make even a small change, it starts the ball rolling and it allows the Lord to help us in our lives. He can make miracles happen if we will let Him. I'm thankful for the extra help and support the Lord has given me in these things that I've been trying to do –  especially since they seemed almost impossible to me at the beginning of this year.”

            On May 2, 2012, I wrote down my testimony for our daughter to be read at girls camp. “My parents taught me the gospel as I was growing up, but it was important for me to develop my own testimony separate from theirs…. I attended four years of early morning seminary and that helped in developing my testimony. I also had some great Young Women leaders and Sunday School teachers that helped strengthen my testimony. As I worked on my Personal Progress goals, I learned more about the gospel and that strengthened my testimony as well. Because of the examples of my parents, teachers, and leaders, and through the feelings I felt as I attended church and seminary, I learned that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. Through all of that, the main foundation of my testimony is that there is always hope in Christ. No matter how depressed I felt or no matter what I had done wrong, I knew that He could make it better. I gained a testimony of His atoning sacrifice as I repented of the things I had done wrong as I was growing up. Because of that, the sacrament has always been very important to me. I appreciate knowing that I can start over with a clean slate each week after I partake worthily of the sacrament.”

            I continued, “My testimony also grew while I was serving a mission for our church. I remember really understanding then that we are all children of our Heavenly Father and that meant the people I met and taught on my mission were actually my brothers and sisters. I was really thankful for the opportunities I had to bear my testimony to them because that strengthened my testimony. I think that is also when I really gained a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his role in helping to restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again. I know that he received answers to his prayers and that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I also know that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers and your prayers. Along with that, I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon. I think I read it for the first time all the way through when I was in ninth grade because that is what we studied in seminary that year. I felt a warm feeling about many of the things I read and, when I prayed about them, I knew that the Book of Mormon was true. I have always loved listening to the General Authorities speak in general conference. As I've listened to them over the years, I have developed a testimony that this church is led by a real prophet and apostles of God. I gained a testimony of the priesthood as I partook of the sacrament each Sunday, as I had blessings given to me by my dad, and as I went to do baptisms for the dead on our temple trips. I really felt the Spirit strongly when I was in the temple back then and I still love attending the temple to this day.”

            I concluded, “ In summary, I learned that the Church is true through prayer, scripture study, listening to the Holy Ghost, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I've continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of its truthfulness. I'm thankful for a living prophet that guides us just like prophets throughout the scriptures have guided the people. I'm especially thankful for the Savior and believe that there is always hope through His Atonement. My faith in the Atonement helps me to get through life and strengthens me to overcome my struggles.”

            I shared the following testimony in fast and testimony meeting on November 6, 2012. “Over the past year, I have developed several habits in various aspects of my life, which included attending church, the temple, and institute class each week. But now that I've been to church every week for over 1 1/2 years (except for the Sunday we were down in Moab) and to the temple every week for a little over a year, I've decided to stop counting. I am now a church attender and a temple attender. That is what I do. And I'm so thankful that the Lord has helped me establish these important habits. We are promised that when we serve in the temple, we will be blessed in both our temporal and spiritual affairs. I know that has been the case in my life. I know that Heavenly Father is really there, that He knows us personally, and that He hears and answers our prayers. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real and I'm so thankful for its enabling and compensating power. Partaking of the sacrament each week has been such a strength to me. I also know that the Holy Ghost is real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that He inspires us to do good. I have been reading the Book of Mormon personally each day for almost 1 1/2 years now and we've been reading the Book of Mormon each day for this entire year as a family. I'm thankful that the Lord has helped us develop those habits and I know that the Book of Mormon is true. Reading it each day gives me hope. I'm thankful that we were able to listen to the prophets and apostles speak recently at general conference. I know we are led by a true prophet today and that if we follow his counsel, we won't go wrong.”

            This is the beginning of the testimony I shared in my friend’s Easter lesson on March 29, 2013. (I shared the last part as the ending of this book.) “Church has been hard for me emotionally for several years, so I used to only come when I felt emotionally able to –  which didn't happen very often. But on the Sunday that my son was ordained to be a deacon in April 2011, I decided to start attending church each week, whether I felt like I could or not. A month later, I started reading the Book of Mormon every day (in May 2011). I wasn't doing that very consistently either because it would make me feel guilty. But from then on, I read, regardless of how I felt. About four months later, I decided to start attending the temple each week (in September 2011). For years, I tried and tried, but failed to change. However, when I aligned my will with the Lord's will and did things in His way, He was finally able to give me the strength I needed to make a permanent change. With His help, I was able to consistently work on one habit at a time and slowly turned my weaknesses into strengths (like it says in Ether 12:27).”

            I shared the following testimony during fast and testimony meeting, prior to general conference, on September 27, 2015. “Since I have spent almost half of my life struggling with depression and anxiety, I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life catching up and learning from others. I'm so thankful for my good friends and family who are so kind and patient with me as I learn at my own pace. One of the verses I read almost every day (my scriptures literally fall open to that page) to help me when I am feeling less steady in my progress is Ether 12:4. ‘Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.’ I really appreciated watching the General Women's meeting. I was especially thankful for President Uchtdorf's talk. In it, he quoted Great-Aunt Rose, ‘God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do?... Now is part of eternity. It doesn’t only begin after we die! Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you now.…Everything… in the gospel—all the shoulds and the musts and the thou shalts—lead to love. When we love God, we want to serve Him. We want to be like Him. When we love our neighbors, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and help others to solve theirs’ (“A Summer with Great-Aunt Rose,” Ensign, Nov. 2015). I testify of that. Reaching out to others – even if I didn't know what to say or do or even really have much to offer –  will forever bless my life. My mantra over the past few years is: ‘Practice makes better.’ The only way perfection is possible is through Christ's Atonement and as we practice trying to live like Him. I'm thankful for the patience that He and Heavenly Father have with me every minute of every day. They literally send people and blessings directly into my life to bless me, help me, and teach me what I need to know.”

            I shared the following testimony in fast and testimony meeting on December 6, 2015. “This has been a very difficult month for me. I have been relatively settled in my progress and testimony for the past couple of years, but I have been given a trial of my faith this month that tested me to my core. However, I have emerged stronger in my faith; closer to Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Spirit; more confident about my ability to know Their will for me; and more sure of how to follow the promptings I am given. I am thankful for the opportunities to step out into the darkness in faith, knowing with a certainty that I will be blessed with more light as I move forward trying to follow the promptings I receive. I am thankful for the course corrections that come during that process and the way we are tutored by the Lord during those times. I am thankful for the power and safety that come into our lives when we are faithful to the covenants we have made. I am thankful that we are able to pray about the things that the prophet and apostles say so that we can gain a sure witness for ourselves. I am thankful that we can find strength in the scriptures and that we can trust them to guide our lives. Joseph Smith’s journey began when he read in the scriptures to ask questions directly to God. As Joseph followed that counsel, the Lord was able to use his willingness to restore Christ’s true gospel to the earth. I am thankful for his example of doing difficult things that he knew were right.”

             I continued, “I am thankful for the things I have learned about agency and Christ’s Atonement being inextricably connected. A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can't manipulate or micro-manage other people's agency with my faith. In the temple, I received even more guidance on that principle a couple of months ago. I now know that as we allow Christ’s Atonement to sanctify us, we can better honor the agency of others. In one of my favorite Relief Society lessons ever, we were reminded that we don't just hang out by the tree of life and beckon to our loved ones to come and partake of the fruit. Instead, we need to continue to partake of that fruit constantly. That way, the love of God that is manifest through the Savior’s Atonement will fill our hearts and lives with charity for ourselves and others. I am thankful for the good friends that the Lord has brought into my life during the past two years. They have truly helped me turn some of my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. My good husband has been a great support to me as well. I love the Savior deeply and I am so thankful for His atoning sacrifice. I know that I owe all the progress I have made to Him and the enabling power or grace that He extends so willingly to me. I have been willing to move my feet, but he has given me the strength to take each step. I'm thankful for this Christmas season where we all seem to turn our thoughts to Him more often. I'm so thankful for the confirmation that I've been given that I'm heading in the right direction.”

               I shared the following testimony on my 47^th birthday in February 2019. “…This morning, the Lord reminded me very clearly that struggle is not the same as hypocrisy. As long as we continue to try, we aren't hypocrites. I was asked to give a message in three Relief Society meetings in three different stakes in the year before we moved here. I was also reminded this morning that one of my main points was that progress isn't always linear. Many people say that it's important to be better tomorrow than you were today. And I agree, but maybe that isn't always possible in a time of struggle. However, as we partner with Christ, our overall trajectory is upward. When babies learn to walk, but then they start teething and don't walk as much or choose to crawl instead for a while, we don't think they have a character flaw. We just know they are struggling with something. It's the same with grownups. We're all just big children and it would be good if we remember that lesson for all of us too.”

               I continued, “I think that even Christ didn't feel a lot of joy in Gethsemane, but an angel was sent to strengthen him. Hebrews 12:1-2 says, ‘...Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross… and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.’ Sometimes that's how things are for us too. My institute teacher asked me spontaneously to give a spiritual thought. She didn't know I had a hard weekend. I turned to this verse and knew I needed to share it. ‘And the Lord provided for them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea, and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ. Now this was according to the prayer of Alma; and this because he prayed in faith’ (Alma 31:38). The answers and help are always there, but sometimes we need to have a trial of our faith first and then the light comes through personal revelation or the scriptures or a talk with a friend. When a door closes (MS relapse), a window often opens (increased time for family history and temple work).”

            Henry B. Eyring testified, “I thank our Heavenly Father for the gift of His Beloved Son, who came voluntarily to earth to be our Redeemer. I am grateful to know that He atoned for our sins and rose in the Resurrection. Every day I am blessed to know that, because of His Atonement, I may someday be resurrected to live forever in a loving family. I know those things by the only way any of us can know them. The Holy Ghost has spoken to my mind and heart that they are true—not just once but often. I have needed that continuing comfort” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            Russell M. Nelson gave this promise, “You don’t have to wonder about what is true (Moroni 10:5)… Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, that Joseph Smith is a prophet, and that this is the Lord’s Church. Regardless of what others may say or do, no one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).