Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

• Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog): 

Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way. 

During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was. 

Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram. 

The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months. 

The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable. 

I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." 

One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses. 

And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction. 

I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite. 

That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus. 

By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them). 

Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes. 

So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path. 

I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month. 

Chapter 23: Daring to Be Vulnerable

* I added some content to the last paragraph on July 28, 2020.

            Pam Hansen is the author of Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph Over Obesity (2005). It took courage and vulnerability to share her story in such an honest and open way. As a result, she has helped and inspired many other people struggling with their own tragedies and weight loss journeys. We used to live in the same neighborhood as Pam’s family and I feel like we have a common thread in our stories. She was very depressed and went out for a walk one day in spring 2001. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in her losing 100 pounds in one year, completing three marathons, and founding the annual Running with Angels 5K run/walk in 2005. In a similar way, I was also very depressed with a different set of struggles and went out for a walk one day in 2011. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in me losing 46 pounds in 15 months, learning to deal with mental and physical challenges in a healthier way, and visiting approximately 500 women beginning in fall 2013.

            Pam also wrote Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality,Body Image, and Self-Worth (2008). When I visited her in 2014, she gave me an autographed copy as a gift. I appreciated her thoughtfulness during that visit. I have also been grateful for the kindness and love she has continued to show me. We went out for a healthy treat so we could visit one other time. During that visit, she gave me the gift of Liquid Sunshine in a pump soap from Bath and Body Works. That was the perfect gift, since her cheerful smile and sincere hugs have brightened several of my days during the time I’ve known her.

            In 2015, I walked in the Running with Angels 5K at Thanksgiving Point Gardens with a friend who was also trying to overcome her own challenges with mental illness and obesity. On page 57 of her first book, Pam wrote, “Change takes place one step at a time.” That is a main theme in my book as well. Writing is very difficult for me and I admire her ability to write two inspirational books in such a skillful and uplifting way. Her willingness to be vulnerable has blessed my life and I want to continue trying to follow her good example.

            I am grateful for the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will briefly summarize what I’ve learned from her about vulnerability and connection. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We need to be willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We need to learn to embrace vulnerability and understand that vulnerability is not weakness. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1).

            A good friend recently reminded me about this talk by Joy D. Jones. “Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth…. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less! We continue to … strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.”
            She continued, “Despite this marvelous truth, how many of us struggle, from time to time, with negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves? I do. It’s an easy trap. … Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well. Instead it holds us back. As we’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ In contrast, the Lord assures us that when we have virtuous thoughts, He will bless us with confidence, even the confidence to know who we really are. …We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives; but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost verifying the truth of our spiritual worth… If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves…. If we choose to focus on our negative thoughts and doubt our worth instead of clinging to the Savior, it becomes more difficult to feel the impressions of the Holy Ghost…. Let’s not be confused about who we are! While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence … As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            I recently listened to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. I was reminded again that it's okay to not know how to do something, to do it wrong, and to make mistakes. Failing is actually the best way to eventually succeed. Learning to own everything about ourselves and being willing to go through life with our flaws and humanity showing is at the core of vulnerability. These important questions were asked: “What if our value was untouched by our humanness? What if we seriously believed that?” We can be flawed and still be worthy of love and acceptance (“Vulnerability,” Pivot Parenting, 28 July 2020). I have been taught these concepts my whole life, but the way she phrased those questions was very helpful to me. When we clearly remember who we are, it gives us confidence to be our true selves. When we are willing to connect with others in a real, authentic, and vulnerable way, it allows them to see us. As we dare to be vulnerable and open in this way, it will help others have the courage to do the same. That is how our hearts can become “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (see Mosiah 18:21). We actually need to know what is in each other’s hearts for that miracle to happen.           

Chapter 21: Leaving the Comfort Zone

            When I made the decision to start visiting women, I needed to be willing to leave my comfort zone. Abigail Brenner, M.D. explains some of the “benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone…Taking risks, regardless of their outcome, are growth experiences. Even if you make mistakes or don’t get it right the first time those become experiences you can tap into in the future. There really is no such thing as ‘fail’ if you get something out of the experience. And just so you know, ‘FAIL’ re-framed means ‘First Attempt in Learning.’ Don’t settle for the mediocre just to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s too big a price to pay. Your challenges and risk experiences are cumulative. Every time you try something new, and allow yourself to be open to whatever experience arises, you are learning, and expanding your repertoire of life skills and self-knowledge. As you do this you also expand the size of your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone ultimately helps you to deal with change—and making change in a much better way. Life transitions are all about change. Each time you transition you move to another level. Inevitably, these life transitions transform you” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015).

            The Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Christ is a good example of leaving the comfort zone. “And when the disciples saw (Jesus) walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him” (Matthew 14:26-31).

  

            A missionary in the addiction recovery program gave this picture to me after we went on a walk together. I appreciate how it makes the story more personal for me. We sometimes talk about how Peter lost faith because he focused on the wind and the waves. However, the point I want to emphasize is that Peter had the courage to leave the safety of the boat. He was willing to go outside of his comfort zone… and then he actually took some steps on the water! It doesn’t really matter how many steps he took or that he eventually started to sink. The point is that he tried and succeeded in his attempt.

            Abigail Brenner continues, “It may seem overwhelming to step into the unknown. But instead of thinking of the ‘big picture,’ break down what you want or need to accomplish by making small changes. Small changes accumulate and each builds upon the last. Try to make small changes that take you out of the everyday and familiar, yet are not too emotionally challenging…. My takeaway: I have within myself the ability to make big change. I did it once. I can do it again. You can, too.” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015). This is wise counsel.

            Daring to do something different takes courage. But we can learn to be brave. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, co-wrote a song with Scott Wiley titled “Brave” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). It became my theme song during my visiting journey. I share the lyrics with Hilary’s permission.

There are moments when you feel it and you know

Something amazing is happening within your soul

And nothing can hold back what’s inside you

Let it move you, let it lead your heart

Don’t be afraid to let yourself believe in who you are

‘Cause today you’re gonna be

Brave

You are brave

Let your brave come through

Let it define you

You are meant to be brave

Get your shoes, grab your courage, open the door

You’re about to see a you you’ve never seen before

And Heaven will be there beside you

In the moments when the walls seem away too high

Trust your instincts, breathe, then start to climb

‘Cause you have always been…

Brave when you think you can’t

Strong when you have fallen…

Bold enough to stand and be

Brave…

            I believe we need to give ourselves credit for even the smallest baby step in the right direction. We need to acknowledge the progress we make in all areas of our life, including reaching out to others in love. Then if we make mistakes or feel like we have failed, the Savior will reach down and help us up. We have never truly failed if we continue to get up and try again. When we show our willingness to stretch ourselves, I believe Heavenly Father honors our intentions. As we ask in faith, I believe He gives us opportunities to practice. With His help, we can each do great things…and they usually require us to leave our comfort zone. 

Chapter 9: Walking Therapy

            I was inspired to start walking in the fall of 2010, but it wasn’t an overnight success. I gradually increased my stamina as I walked to a destination near our home each day. After a while, I realized I was noticing the fluffy or wispy clouds in the sky, the leaves on the trees (and the crunch, crunch, crunch as I walked through them on the ground), the flowers growing beside the sidewalk, the outline of the mountains against the sky, and the beautiful sunsets. I started taking pictures as I walked, which was a hobby that had faded during my depression. As winter set in, I made the conscious decision to go walking, especially when the sky was gray (and even when it was raining or snowing). Prior to this, Seasonal Affective Disorder was something I struggled with during the winters – its acronym is SAD and that’s absolutely how gray days made me feel. However, it only looks gray when you’re inside, looking out the windows. When I actually went outside to walk, I could still see and feel the light of the sun – even if it didn’t shine as bright or feel as warm as it normally did. This taught me an important lesson about looking up – to the sun in the sky and also to the Son of our Heavenly Father.

            During that time of strengthening, I listened to music by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. Her CD titled “Every Step” (2011) felt like a soundtrack for the progress in my life. (I attended a benefit concert in Hilary’s home during August 2012 and she autographed my CD cover along with this message, “May the Lord bless your ‘every step.’”) With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “Dancing in the Rain.”

…The storm had rolled in…

I thought about going back to bed

Or reading the book on my nightstand

I considered calling the weather man

Just to ask him when it might end

But I did something you would not have thought

I grabbed my polka dot umbrella

And I opened the door…

Chorus:

And I danced

In the rain

I let my dreams know I hadn’t forgotten them

I let my heart take the lead and I told my hopes

To get themselves up again

And I danced (to the music of the day)

And I looked (for the blue above the gray)

Yes I danced

In the rain

I invited my worries to step aside

I need room to see in front of me

As the raindrops fell on my overcoat

I let them roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow

Cause Heaven and me, we both know

This storm is gonna pass 

I danced till my fears washed away

Then I thanked the rain for coming… today 

            I flew to Alabama with my parents to visit my sister in January 2011. This trip required me to stretch far outside my current comfort zone of staying close to home, which helped me realize I was making progress emotionally. It also helped me see my life from a different angle. At that time, I weighed 167 pounds, which is the heaviest I have ever been (including pregnancy). When I returned home, I talked with my husband and we made a basic plan for me to eat less carbohydrates and more protein – which basically meant avoiding obvious sugar. I began to faithfully log everything I put in my mouth using myfitnesspal.com. It helped me track my weight loss, along with reminding me to walk each day, do my floor exercises, and drink more water. I lost an average of three pounds each month and reached my goal weight of 121 pounds in May 2012.

            Prior to that in March 2012, I flew by myself to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Colorado, which was another victory in my emotional recovery. Two months later, they flew to Salt Lake and I joined them on a flight to Hawaii to visit our parents who were serving a mission at BYU-Hawaii. It was the first time I had been to Hawaii and May was the perfect time to go. I was excited to celebrate the loss of those 46 pounds by shopping for new shorts, capris, polo shirts, and tees before I left. I was now in size 6 and 8 (small), rather than 12 and 14 (large). It was a great feeling to see that physical proof of my achievement. I was so proud of these emotional and physical accomplishments and was grateful for the chance to celebrate in such an exciting way.

            There were still times when I didn’t feel strong and sometimes it felt like waves of depression were washing over me. However, I refused to go back to bed. When I wasn’t motivated to walk or was tempted to fall back into old eating habits, I reminded myself that I lost the equivalent weight of a water softener salt bag from Costco. Those bags are heavy! I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. During that whole process, I continued listening to Hilary Weeks’ “Every Step” CD.  With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “That’s Who I Am.”

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again…

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There’s a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

Chorus:

This moment is mine and I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

I will embrace it

I am strong and I believe that’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I’m brave enough to face the storm

And I’ll stand

That’s who I am 

It’s not about the race

It’s not how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go and holding on

It’s about taking chances

 And staying strong     

            I walked and talked with a friend in September 2012. She wrote about it on her blog later that day and I will share a few sentences that warmed my heart and strengthened my confidence. “I went walking with a friend that I haven’t visited with (face-to-face) in maybe two years? It’s been a really long time. This wonderful friend of mine has been challenged by bipolar disorder for at least 25 years. She is an extremely faithful friend and remarkable example of someone who presses forward in the face of her mountains to climb. The first thing I noticed about my friend was that she had lost so much weight…. She has also made HUGE progress in other areas of her life…. In every way, she is doing the best she has done in years. I made a mental note that during our conversation, she seems the most steady and grounded as she has ever seemed…. What I wish you could have heard in our conversation was the confirmation in both of our hearts as we talked about the power of small, simple actions based on decisions to change. The power of going on a walk, once. Then twice. Then again the next day…”

            About five years later, another friend emailed me this quote by Søren Kierkegaard, “Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day, I walk myself into a state of well-being & walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, & the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right.”

            I couldn’t agree more. Those small and simple steps added up to miraculous changes.

Chapter 8: Living Productively with Mental Illness

            I have struggled with depression, some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety (especially in social situations) for most of my life. My clinical diagnosis is Bipolar II Disorder, which is less severe than Bipolar I. It includes depressive episodes, alternating with some mild euphoric episodes called hypomania, along with some periods of relatively stable mood. Depression, whether it’s a from a chemical imbalance or a response to difficult situations, affects every aspect of a person’s life. I often felt like I was figuratively slogging through the mud in a thick fog. It negatively affects the way I feel about myself, my relationships with others, and my connection to God. It distorts my thinking, drains my energy, and shatters my hope. It is so much deeper than a case of the blues and a person can’t just “pull up their bootstraps” or “snap out of it” as some people erroneously believe.

            At several times in my life, I have been desperate for some positive change, but I felt helpless to move forward. With the support of my family, I have worked with psychiatrists who have experience prescribing the right type, combination, and dosage of medication for a chemical imbalance. That process often requires careful observation and adjustments over time. I have simultaneously worked with several psychologists and therapists who have helped teach me tools and skills to cope better with my emotional struggles. That process sometimes requires patience to find a comfortable client-provider fit. A good therapist provides a safe environment to work through struggles with an effective balance of empathy and encouragement. Those two steps are very important, but they are usually just the beginning steps in the journey. They helped me start to climb out of the deep, dark pit that felt so real and all-encompassing and over the initial overwhelming hump. That part of recovery isn’t always well understood, but it is foundational to the process.

            I knew the medication was working within the first few days because I could start functioning again and I felt my real personality beginning to return over the following weeks.  Then I had to work very hard each day to continue to progress. In 2011, the Lord taught me how to change by focusing on one thing at a time – the scriptures use the terms “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30) and “…continued from grace to grace…” (D&C 93:13). I needed to be willing to develop new habits, even if I didn't feel like it or think it was possible. Although it seemed completely counter-intuitive, I was finally able to push through the level of depression and anxiety that was debilitating to a more manageable level after practicing those habits for quite a while. During that time, I had to re-train my brain to think more clearly. I learned to think about my progress in terms of “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing.” I needed to work diligently to overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. It was important to learn how to be gentler with myself, especially when it appeared I had failed. Then I had to learn to rebound every time I fell. I try to never compare myself to others, but only to myself, to make sure I continue to progress as steadily as possible at my own pace. 

            One of the most important things I started doing was to walk to destinations all over town to give me a relatively safe way to practice leaving the house. I continued to spend time walking out in the sun—especially on gray days, when it was difficult to notice the sun. That helped the endorphins to start flowing. The fresh air (and vitamin D) also helps to keep my emotional perspective realistic. In addition, it was really important for me to listen to inspirational and upbeat music. (The songs that helped me the most are by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks.)  Music with positive lyrics helps change my thinking more quickly when I get stuck in a figurative rut and it helps my thoughts to begin spiraling upward, instead of their natural tendency to spiral downward. The final missing link for me was people and I will discuss the importance of that in the next section of my journey.

            In addition to sincere prayer, I asked for priesthood blessings and they have strengthened me along the way. The Savior’s atonement has helped me during every step of this process. I was willing to do the difficult work, but His power made it all happen. My struggles with depression aren’t completely over, but my life is significantly different now than it was a decade ago when I was so depressed and anxious the majority of the time. I want to emphasize that my progress has been a balanced effort with many contributing factors, but the main factor is my willingness to keep moving my feet. I continued to take small steps in various areas of my life and gradually built more productive habits. I have made slow, but relatively steady, progress. There have been many challenges along the way and there will continue to be more in the future. However, I’m confident that as I continue to apply these principles, I won’t be defeated.

Daily Bread

I'm grateful for the message of these three short videos and have watched them several times since September 2013. I have also included the descriptions from YouTube. They are based on a talk given by D. Todd Christofferson in January 2011 titled Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread. I'm including a few quotes from this talk in chapter 4 of my book, so I thought I would post this before it. 

Just as we need daily physical sustenance, the need for daily spiritual sustenance is just as strong. For the Children of Israel, manna was a daily reminder of the source of their blessings; today, we can remember Jesus Christ every day as we pray, read the scriptures, and meditate. (Part 1 of 3)

Sometimes in life, there is nowhere else to turn but to God. Elder D. Todd Christofferson shares a personal experience that taught him to truly pray, recognize answers to prayers, and take life one day at a time. (Part 2 of 3)

Jesus Christ is the bread of eternal life. By following Him, remembering Him, and having faith in Him we can change and become what we aspire to become. (Part 3 of 3)

Chapter 2: A Formula for Balance

* I spent several hours this afternoon working on the content of this chapter. I'm posting what I've written so far - which basically ended up being several rearranged quotes.

An excellent formula for living a balanced life is found in the New Testament. Luke 2:52 succinctly explains, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Even in His youth, Jesus was an example of a balanced person. For many years, I have appreciated how this verse clearly describes the four main areas of our lives. “Wisdom” represents the mental or emotional aspects of our lives. “Stature” represents the physical aspect of our lives. “In favor with God” represents the spiritual aspect of our lives. “In favor with man” represents the social aspect of our lives. Recently, this verse has become the theme for the children and youth program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This program uses the phrase “areas of growth” to encourage regular goal setting and balanced personal growth.

In 2015, I gave a lesson to the women in our church congregation using parts of a talk by Jörg Klebingat. He discusses several ways to create more balance in our lives with the focus on increasing spiritual confidence. First, the growth and development of “wisdom.” He counsels, “Accept trials, setbacks, and ‘surprises’ as part of your mortal experience. Remember that you are here to be proved and tested, ‘to see if [you] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [your] God shall command [you]’ (Abraham 3:25)…. Some trials come through your own disobedience or negligence. Other trials come because of the negligence of others or simply because this is a fallen world. When these trials come, the adversary’s minions begin broadcasting that you did something wrong, that this is a punishment, a sign that Heavenly Father does not love you. Ignore that! Instead… partner with Him to endure well to the end. Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that ‘often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right’” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Second, the growth and development of “stature.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own physical well-being. Your soul consists of your body and spirit (see D&C 88:15). Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to … lowered self-esteem.” He continues, “If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body… please use good judgment in what and especially how much you eat, and regularly give your body the exercise it needs and deserves” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

As a person who struggles with eating a healthy diet, I have learned to “make the better of the bad choices,” as a first step toward making good choices in what I eat. For example, instead of eating actual chocolate, I often eat chocolate covered protein bars or drink a chocolate protein shake. Instead of eating ice cream, I may eat frozen yogurt topped with fruit or a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats with 1% milk. I've also learned to make a good choice when I'm still struggling to make an optimal choice. For example, I don't like the taste of water, so I choose to drink Strawberry Kiwi Propel instead. That is probably a better choice than carbonated, caffeinated soda (although I'm still missing the pure benefits of water). I feel that it's better to head in the general direction of eating well, than to just give up on healthy eating entirely. I struggle with exercising too, so I choose to just “move my body more.” For me, one of the best ways to do that is to walk as often as I can in the sunshine and fresh air. Elder Klebingat concludes, “Spiritual confidence increases when your spirit, with the help of the Savior, is truly in charge of your natural man or woman” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Third, growing and developing “in favor with God.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own spiritual well-being…. Voluntarily and joyfully repent of sins, both small and great, in real time by applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ…. Acknowledge that you cannot love God without also loving His commandments…. Truly [strive] for the right reasons, to live a consecrated life in spite of your imperfections!” Fourth, growing and developing in “favor with man.” He counsels, “Don’t hold grudges, don’t be easily offended, forgive and forget quickly.... Spiritual confidence increases when you know that the Lord knows that you bear no ill feelings toward another soul” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Chapter 3: Gradually Replace Negative with Positive

* I spent most of the day writing chapter 14 and finally posted it. I thought I would post what I've written so far for this chapter as well. (I added to it on July 14th.)

Do you have a favorite personal improvement scripture? I have several. However, the one at the top of my list has special meaning to me. The Lord showed me the key to my future progress sometime before April 2009, which was long before I was able to actually apply it very well. He helped me notice these verses in Jacob 5 as I was listening to The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ on CD. A lot of people probably don’t notice these two verses (and I hadn’t before this either) because this chapter is an allegory about the House of Israel. It’s a very long and repetitive allegory with lots of pruning and digging and grafting and dunging… It was definitely an act of divine intervention for me to notice specific verses this far into such a repetitive chapter – especially since I was only listening and not following along in the text.

Jacob 5:65-66 says, “And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.

For it grieveth me that I should lose the trees of my vineyard; wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad...”

As I discussed in the previous chapter, this is all about balance – which is something I’m constantly striving for. It’s impossible to change everything about yourself or your circumstances (or fill-in-the-blank) all at once. Lasting change usually occurs by working on one thing at a time – replacing one bad thing with something good. Replacing negative thoughts or addictions with something more positive, productive, or healthy. And then the next and then the next. Line upon line, baby steps, or however else you want to look at it. It's a true principle and it works.

Replacing negative with positive is at the core of repentance. In 2015, I gave a lesson to the women in our church congregation using parts of a talk by Jörg Klebingat. He gave some valuable counsel on this topic: “ …Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don’t be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life. No matter what your current status, the very moment you voluntarily choose honest, joyful, daily repentance by striving to simply do and be your very best, the Savior’s Atonement envelops and follows you, as it were, wherever you go” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Another favorite personal improvement scripture is also found in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. It says, “And if men come unto me I will show until them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27). Dieter F. Uchtdof explains, “Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths. Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture within each of us. (“Lord, Is It I?” Ensign, November 2014).

Just as the vineyard was pruned by the Master Gardener in the allegory, our lives can be shaped and molded by a loving Savior. As we turn to Him and ask for help and strength in our efforts to replace negative with positive in our lives, we will receive help beyond our own. As Ezra Taft Benson explained, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 1988.) As we repeat the process of gradually replacing the negative with positive in our life, the Savior’s grace can change us and help us become more than we could ever be on our own.

Chapter 6: Perspective and Peace

Perspective was my word of the year in 2017. One of the definitions for perspective is the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance. Cultivating a perspective of hope has been helpful for me. I remind myself that every day is a new beginning and a fresh start. With this perspective, we have unlimited chances to try again. Being present in the moment, or mindfulness, is another perspective I would like to continue practicing. I try to remind myself that only fairy tales end with “happy ever after.” My goal is to be “happily ever present.”

I’ve also learned that perspective and gratitude complement each other. I appreciate the quote, “gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” Another way to phrase that is to “celebrate the everyday miracles surrounding you,” which is one of my favorite lyrics from my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. I will discuss more about gratitude in a later chapter.

Peace was my word of the year in 2018. One way to develop more peace is to be content with what you have, while still taking the initiative to make changes and improve your life. In other words, peace occurs more frequently when we are content, but not complacent. It has been said that “comparison is the thief of happiness.” In the same way, comparison destroys peace. Often, we compare our worst qualities or behavior with the best we observe in other people. That is one of the quickest ways to feel the opposite of peace.

At the end of 2017, I was walking and talking with a good friend. A general authority had recently visited her daughter’s mission and had counseled the missionaries to be “100% in.” I instantly realized that he was speaking of loyalty (not 100% perfect or even 100% obedient – like her missionary assumed). As conscientious women, our minds are frequently bombarded with thoughts of worry, guilt, or shame. In order to feel peace, it’s important to redirect our thinking back to truth in our present circumstances. I continued to ponder and was given the inspiration I needed to deal with difficult circumstances in my own life. It suddenly became very clear to me that I needed to pray for 100% peace when I felt conflicted in my circumstances with family members who have different beliefs than I do.

I had prayed almost constantly for peace up until then, but this new personal revelation changed my perspective almost instantly. As I was thinking about the phrase 100% peace, I realized it was similar to: a “perfect brightness of hope” (see 2 Nephi 31:20), a “fulness of joy” (see 3 Nephi 27:31), and the “pure love of Christ” (see Moroni 7:47). These are all verses found in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. In other words, nothing is perfect, pure, completely full, or 100% – except through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ! Those phrases describe a state of mind or heart. Our difficult or conflicting circumstances may never change, but we can receive that compensatory comfort all along the way.

Boyd K. Packer taught, “While we do not fully understand how the Atonement of Christ was made, we can experience 'the peace of God, which passeth all understanding' (Philippians 4:7)" (See "The Touch of the Master's Hand," Ensign, April 2001, 22.) This kind of peace doesn’t make sense to the mortal mind and yet I know it occurs. I believe this is one of the ways the Savior succors us and visits us in our afflictions (see Alma 7:12 and Mosiah 24:14 – also powerful verses in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ). A New Testament story illustrates this perfectly. Jesus and his disciples were on a boat and the disciples were afraid when a storm suddenly arose. Mark 4:39 reads, “And [Jesus] arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” If Jesus is powerful enough to calm the wind and waves in a storm, He is powerful enough to calm our troubled hearts and restore peace.