Part 4: Seek Learning by Study and Prayer

            Our daughter graduated from high school at the end of May 2015. Shortly after graduation, she asked me to attend a tour of Utah Valley University with her. That would have normally been out of my comfort zone, but I had been visiting women for almost 21 months and those regular visits helped me deal with new situations much easier. I enjoyed going on the tour with her and took lots of pictures of all the things that caught my attention – the hall of flags, the fountain in the commons, the geometric art hanging from the library and science building ceilings, and the pendulum in the Pope Science building, etc. As we were walking down the long hall in the Liberal Arts building, the tour guide was pointing out how most class sizes are kept small at UVU. As we looked into one of the math classrooms, I suddenly had a strong prompting that I needed to go back to college. What?! That had never been on my radar. However, I knew better than to argue with those distinctive feelings that God sent me occasionally.

            I went home and addressed an envelope to request my high school transcript from Longmont High in Colorado. I also addressed two more envelopes to request my college transcripts from Weber State University (Fall 1990) and BYU (Fall 1992). Since Weber State was on the quarter system back then, I was only able to transfer 4.66 credits from the two classes I took there, but they filled the requirements for history and health. I was only able to transfer three credits from one of the four classes I took there, but it filled the requirements for human development. At the next appointment with my psychologist, I told him about my anxiety over taking the Accuplacer test for math and English. It had been over 25 years since I had taken a class in either subject and I think my ACT score was only a 21. He opened his drawer, pulled out a yellow #2 pencil, handed it to me, and said, “I want you to drive down the hill and take that test right now.” I looked at him in shock, but I could tell he was serious. So I took the pencil and followed his counsel. I ended up being placed in Math 990 (which is two classes away from the math class that counts for credit) and English 1010. After that, I paid the $25 registration fee, was assigned a student number, and made an appointment with an academic advisor in the behavioral science department. I was actually going to do this!

Chapter 22: The Importance of Authenticity

* I'm not quite finished with this chapter, but I wanted to post what I wrote so far. (I woke up at 3am and finished writing this chapter at 6am. I may or may not include "The Color Code" paragraphs in this part of the book. I may include those in an appendix at the end or I may just leave them on this blog for future reference. Either way, it was a very helpful review for me.)

            People about my age usually remember doing the personality profile test on pages 7-12 of The Color Code: A New Way To See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life written by Dr. Taylor Hartman that was published in 1987. I've taken the test several times in my life and I always come up with the same combination. I'm dominantly blue. "Blues are motivated by altruism... crave intimacy... need to be loved... and are directed by a strong moral conscience" (20-21). In the personality overview chart, the "motive" for blue personalities is "intimacy." The "needs" of blue personalities are "to be good (morally), to be understood, to be appreciated" and "acceptance" overall. The "wants" of blue personalities are "to reveal insecurities, to please others, autonomy," and "security" (21-22). The title of chapter five is "Blues: Do-Gooders." In that chapter, the subtitles explain the attributes of blue personalities. They are "emotional and admired... committed and loyal... perfectionist... high expectations and demanding... self-disciplined and stable... self-sacrificing and nurturing... unforgiving and resentful... worry and guilt... appropriate and sincere... purposeful and dedicated... moody and complex... self-righteous and insecure" (40-49). 

             "Blue strengths as an individual" are: "sees life as a serious endeavor, appreciates beauty and detail, has a strong aesthetic sense, stable and dependable (plow horse versus race horse), sincere and emotionally deep, analytical oriented (concerned with why one behaves as he/she does), high achiever, and deep sense of purpose" (49). "Blue strengths as a communicator" are: "able to enjoy sensitive and deep conversation, strong skills in empathizing with others, remembers feelings and thoughts shared in conversation, willing to give conversations time to run their course, and prefers small groups" (49). "Blue strengths as a goal setter" are: "highly disciplined, receptive to other's suggestions, strong goal orientation, plans well and superb follow through" (49)... "Blue strengths as a parent" include: "very observant, empathetic and sensitive...keeps home clean and cozy, and seeks to understand children's behavior" (50).... "Blue strengths as a friend" are: "loyal forever once friendship is established, genuine concern for other person's well-being, remembers special holidays... encouraging in times of trouble, and willing to commit time to the relationship" (50).... "Careers most likely to attract blues" include: homemaker, psychotherapist... and banker" (51), which is interesting because I am a homemaker, I wanted to grow up and be a therapist, and I worked as a bank teller for 18 months before and after my full-time proselyting mission. 

            "Blue limitations as an individual" are: "highly emotional, smug and self-righteous, controlling and/or envious of other's success when too easily obtained, strong perfection and performance orientation, and self-abusive (verbally)" (51). "Blue limitations as a communicator" are: "tends to lecture and overkill issues, feels intense on many issues, rigid with principles and unwilling to negotiate... argues primarily from emotional perspective, strong expectations for others to be sensitive and deep, and expects others to read his or her mind and know his or her feelings" (51). "Blue limitations as a goal setter" are: "sets unrealistic goals, easily discouraged when unsuccessful in accomplishments... and expects others to understand his or her goals and make them a priority" (51-52). I apply "blue limitations as a career person" to my behavior in school and as a homemaker. They include: "...feels inadequate with natural talents and creativity, shys away from public exposure and performance, establishes high and often unrealistic expectations for self and others, tend to over-plan and over-prepare, critical of self and other's work, and over-extends self" (52). "Blue limitations as a parent" include: "...can be moody and unpredictable, easily irritated by other's mistakes and shortcomings, usually loves others with strings attached, tends to give heavy doses of guilt to children, lacks ability to relax, requires a purpose in order to play, controlling of children's lifestyle and overprotective, too precise and exact with expectations, feels a clean home is a priority, accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily, not spontaneous with activities, frustrates children with unrealistic expectations, strong sense of right and wrong - badgers child when perceived as wrong, and lectures children" (52). I have improved in some of those areas, but I feel some regret over other areas. "Blue limitations as a child" are: "easily frustrated, feels guilty over minor concerns, moody and emotional (cries instead of facing issues), feels are easily hurt, martyr-like and complains about life, self-esteem is dependent on outside influences, has difficulty relaxing and often feels uncomfortable, withholds affection if angered, and waits for parents to initiate ideas and then criticizes unacceptable suggestions. (52-53). "Blue limitations as a friend" are "highly insecure about other's acceptance and approval, feels rejected easily, when depressed or depressive - feels it is friend's job to understand, can be... bitter if crossed and scarred emotionally, critical of friend's principles or activities if not similar, expects friends to maintain strong loyalty, wishes friends would communicate more often, and rarely playful and spontaneous" (53).  

            "How to develop a positive connection with blues" has a list of "do" and "don't." The "do" list includes: " emphasize their security in the relationship, be sensitive and soft spoken in your approach, be sincere and genuine, behave appropriately and well-mannered" (ha ha), "limit their risk level, promote their creativity, appreciate them... and be loyal" (53-54). The "don't" list includes: "make them feel guilty, be rude or abrupt, promote too much change, expect spontaneity, abandon them, expect them to bounce back easily or quickly from depression, demand perfection (they already expect too much from themselves), push them too quickly into making decisions, expect them to forgive quickly when crossed, and demand immediate action" (54). 

            The title for chapter eight is "Character: How To Become Your Best Color." The author explains, "Individuals develop character strengths and limitations just as they have innate personality strengths and limitations.... Though we may not be born with a particular character trait, we do appear to be more receptive and/or vulnerable to certain strengths and limitations based on our given personality color" (89). "The seven most common character strengths of...blue" are: "loyalty to people, committed, quality, sincere, honest, focused, and moral conscience" (90). "Seven most common character limitations of...blue" are: self-righteous, judgmental, easily depressed, controlling, unforgiving, suspicious, and illogical" (90). "The following list delineates common and specific ways each personality binds the character development of others.... Blues tend to take things too personally (which often causes others to lie in order to protect the insecure and overly sensitive Blue. Blues often have too many unrealistic expectations (which makes others feel inadequate, unnecessary, and unloved). Blues typically role model lack of self-esteem by placing themselves last on their list of priorities. Blues often are too critical of others who choose to live life with a more relaxed or aggressive style (which causes others to feel unable to ever please them). Blues tend to be too demanding of other's 'inappropriate manners' (which causes others to rebel and develop a dislike for manners altogether)" (95).  Wow. However, the author concludes, "The character building process requires us to (1) identify healthy life principles, (2) accept them into our lives, (3) commit to consistently living them, and (4) share them with others. Life principles will benefit all colors in their own development as well as the relationships they encounter with other colors" (97).  

             I will close this exercise in extreme vulnerability by sharing the "Key Life Principles.... Life Principle 1: Personal truths must be identified, pursued and blended with Universal Truths in order for us to have a balanced lifestyle. Life Principle 2: Charactered people take responsibility for their own attitudes and behaviors. Life Principle 3: We must stretch and risk personal discomfort in order to make unnatural attitudes and behaviors become natural. Life Principle 4: Charactered people actively love themselves and others. Life Principle 5: Our strengths must be shared with others in order to fully benefit us. Life Principle 6: Everything has its price. Charactered people choose wisely and pay their debts. Life Principle 7: Trust is imperative to the positive human experience. We are all interdependent on others in varying degrees of dependence and independence" (97).   

***

            We decided to move in summer 2016 because my MS symptoms made the stairs in our previous home much more difficult to manage. We looked at several different homes along the Wasatch Front, but finally decided to just build a home across town. I started attending the ward we would be going to for a few Sundays while we were finalizing our decision. I wrote down the phone numbers of several of the women that I met on those Sundays. Because I was still continuing to visit people, I asked several of them if they would be interested in a visit. Only two ended up allowing me to visit them. One of those women became a dear friend over the years that followed.

            I was called to be the secretary in a new Relief Society presidency in June 2017, three months after we moved into our newly built home. This woman was called to be the first counselor and I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know her better in this way. There ended up being unexpected complications and challenges in my life, so I needed to be released from that calling a couple months later. This woman asked if we could go on a walk shortly after that release occurred. I felt that I could trust her, so I allowed myself to unload all the conflicted feelings I had over the circumstances I was dealing with. She listened empathetically and I was so grateful for her kindness and obvious concern for me as a person. A little while later, she asked to be my ministering sister. I didn’t want obligatory service from anyone, but I trusted this friend completely and knew she would be sincere and authentic.

            We began walking together once or twice each month and I really enjoyed our talks. She invited me over a couple of times to study Come Follow Me together. There were also a few times when I went over to talk or cry because I felt like there was nowhere else I could turn at that moment. She had surgeries during the last two years and she allowed me to serve her by taking her or picking her up from physical therapy appointments. One time, she fell on some ice near our homes and she called me to come pick up her and her dog. I was grateful that I was available and that she thought of me as someone who could come to her rescue. During the last two years, she has been through a terrible ongoing tragic situation. At first, she didn’t feel comfortable telling me what had happened, so I just tried to support her without knowing exactly what she needed. This taught me how to “hold space” for someone, which I never understood how to do before. She has also showed me by example how to listen carefully, ask sincere questions, validate feelings, and love unconditionally.

            In fall 2017, she taught an online course and I decided to take it from her. It was called Unshakable. During this eight-week class, I created a statement that described me in conjunction with an assignment. I decided that “I am a loyal, reliable, nurturing, situation-improving, people supporter.” This friend also encouraged me to take the Gallup Strengths Finder test. I learned that I lead with my strengths of Connectedness, Empathy, Developer, Maximizer, and Woo (winning others over). That last one makes me laugh. Here are some details from the official summary:

 

1.      Connectedness: “(I) have faith in the links between all things. (I) believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.”

2.      Empathy: “(I) can sense the feelings of other people by imagining (myself) in others’ lives or others' situations. ”

3.      Developer: “(I) recognize and cultivate the potential in others. (I) spot signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.”

4.      Woo (Winning Others Over): “(I) love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. (I) derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.”

5.      Maximizer: “(I) focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. (I) seek to transform something strong into something superb.”

 

I see Maximizer showing up in my visiting journey and my temple/family history work. As part of her class, I also created a list of qualities that I hope to develop by believing that I already am: peaceful, confident, certain, and flexible. 

            I’m very grateful for this friend and she has influenced my life for good in so many ways. She has experienced tragic loss, has suffered through physical pain, is a cancer survivor, and has other huge struggles in her life. Yet, she is a light in my life and the lives of many others. Her smile lights up a room and she has brightened so many of my difficult days. During the beginning of our friendship, we didn’t have as much in common. However, her latest struggle has given us a difficult circumstance in common, although we each deal with a different aspect of the similar difficulty. When I think of authenticity, I think of her. She is confident in her strengths, she advocates for herself, sets boundaries when she needs to, loves with all her heart, and is perfectly imperfect. My life is so much better because she is in it. I believe her friendship was one of the reasons we moved here, so I consider it a divine intersection.

***

            My sister is six school years younger than I am. She is my only sister and we have three younger brothers. Her husband flies Apache helicopters for the Army, so they have been stationed in Alabama, Germany, and North Carolina over the past eleven years. They have just recently moved to Colorado and I am so grateful that she is now just a nine-hour drive away. She married her husband in the temple and now he doesn’t believe in God. This is similar to the situation with my husband. We have both chosen to stay in our marriages and have been a support to each other through the especially difficult times. We also have children who are choosing lifestyles that we didn’t hope for or plan on. These situations with our families have been extremely sad for us and we have talked about them for hours on the phone. When she visits Utah, we walk her dogs together and talking in person is even more healing for both of us.

            I discovered life coaching in 2018. I listen to podcasts and webinars from three coaches trained at The Life Coach School. A complimentary call with another one helped me finally start writing this book. However, I found my own personal coach in a roundabout way through my sister. I clicked on an Instagram advertisement to receive a “Guide for a More Peaceful Marriage when you spouse has left the LDS church” on May 31, 2018. I forwarded the guide and two follow-up emails to my sister and then unsubscribed from further emails because I felt the need to focus on the two original coaches I discovered. My sister must have signed up to receive the weekly emails from this coach because she forwarded three to me at the end of May and beginning of June 2019. I asked her to stop sending them to me because our unmarried daughter had just announced her pregnancy earlier in May on Mother’s day and I was trying to simplify my social media and inbox as much as possible so I had more emotional energy to deal with my feelings about her unexpected circumstance. However, I appreciated how much my sister cared about me and understood why she sent them. The timing just wasn’t right.

            Fast forward to the COVID-19 pandemic. Early in April 2020, I was struggling with the transitions we were all going through. One night, I couldn’t sleep so I started looking through some old emails I had filed. I “just happened” to come across these life coaching emails we forwarded to each other during the previous two years. I felt strongly prompted to click on the button for a complimentary call from the email sent in 2018. That call happened on April 14, 2020 and it was the right fit. I paid $2,000 to work with her for six months – one Zoom session each week for 24 weeks. The even more miraculous part about this is that my coach doesn’t even market to women in mixed-faith marriages anymore. She now advertises to the parents of teenagers and her website supports that target audience. There would have been no way for me to find her had I not saved those emails from the previous two years. We have met together 14 times with an additional phone call so far. She has helped me change my thinking around many of the circumstances in my life. However, I still have a long way to go. The other tender mercy is that she is also a recovering perfectionist that is just a little farther down the road than I am. She understands me in ways that I don’t even understand myself yet. I can see clearly how God has worked behind the scenes and has orchestrated our divine intersection at precisely the time it was needed most.

            Both my sister and my life coach are also very authentic. They don’t seem to worry as much about their appearance, they don’t take themselves too seriously, and they own everything about themselves – flaws and all. I want to be more like them. Actually, I want to be that comfortable in my own skin. I want to own everything about myself – flaws and all. I have come a long way and I still have much more to learn and practice. The model we use in coaching is: Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results. Circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. What we make a circumstance mean is the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us. If the thought isn't serving us and helping us show up as the person we want to be, then we can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought. This is easier said, than done. However, it is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of practice. We may sometimes feel that an unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers are strong feelings that come from our thoughts about circumstances (the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that can help us understand our thinking better. We can learn to feel and release negative emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to be through the help of our Savior.

            I have learned a lot from the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will repeat my summary of some of her findings. Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. It is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism and become more authentic. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            I used several additional quotes from Brené in my final research paper on easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. In that same book, she defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

            She also explained it this way, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Prior to that she explained an aspect of perfectionism that described my life uncomfortably well. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist (because) your self-worth is on the line”(56). She concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57). I long for the comfort that last sentence would provide in my life.

            Prior to a presentation I was asked to give in August 2015 about reaching out to others in love, I read two quotes on Instagram that resonated with me. A woman named Brooke shared this on the churchofjesuschrist Instagram page. “Sometimes all you need in order to achieve something, go for your dream, or believe in yourself is just someone to say: ‘Yes.’ ‘It’s good.’ ‘I like it.’ ‘Go for it!’ ‘I believe in you.’ People who encourage, support, and help something amazing happen by just being there, just being themselves. We need more people like that in the world. They are not enablers. They are not radical and simply telling you what you want to hear. They are honest. They are genuine. They have no other motives than to be a truly decent human being and to let their decency reflect onto someone else, to let someone be affected in a good way.” A woman named Elle shared this insight on the same page. “…  Comparison is the thief of happiness. I have found it so important to keep working on seeing my own divine worth and learning to love myself. I can be happy for the success of others and see that we all have our strengths and weaknesses on our path to eternal life.”

            My challenge to all of us, especially myself, is to not be afraid of being real and authentic. I truly believe that genuinely being ourselves – owning everything about us, including our flaws, will automatically help others to feel more comfortable being real also. It’s easy to spot people who are being disingenuous and I am always drawn to people who are comfortable just being themselves. I want to always remember the importance of authenticity.

Chapter 24: Focusing Less on Outcomes (part 2)

            I attended the luncheon afterward to help serve dessert. While I was there, I met Dee’s sister-in-law and sat at a table with one of Janell’s nieces and her family. That helped me feel more connected to Janell. As I mentioned earlier, I met Janell’s half-sister on the day we found out about her death in April. Over the months that followed, we kept in touch by text and email. I also treated her to lunch and I appreciated the opportunity to talk with her again in person. She reminded me that Janell talked about our walks often. She felt that no one did more to help Janell be happy than I did before she died. I was so thankful for that privilege and opportunity that God gave me! About two weeks after our lunch, Janell’s husband died suddenly in mid-August 2014. I don’t think the timing of our lunch was a coincidence. Because we were now friends, I stood by her and her family at Dee’s graveside service. His ashes were placed in the grave with their daughter and Janell’s ashes had previously been placed in the grave with their son. After the service, I talked with the daughter of Janell’s half-sister and her two children. I don’t think that as a coincidence either.

            I ended up visiting Janell’s half-sister and niece several times in Saratoga Springs. I also met Janell’s niece for lunch a few times. They had returned to Utah from Seattle within that past year and, while they were up there, they became active in the church again because of the kindness of missionaries and several members of their ward. God obviously knew they would need to continue to feel His love after they returned to Utah, so I think that was also part of the reason I was supposed to knock on Janell’s door. Otherwise, I probably would have never met them, since they live 30 minutes away from me. My friendship with Janell’s niece continued and we met at the temple several times. This strengthened her to deal with some difficult circumstances in her life and it was also good preparation for when we did Janell’s temple work on May 12, 2015. I was so grateful for the privilege of being with Janell’s niece when she did the initiatory and endowment for her aunt that I loved. At one point, I just held Janell’s temple card to my heart and hugged it because I loved and missed her so much. That day was filled with feelings of great joy. The Lord had clearly been orchestrating this whole situation from the beginning. There is more to this story, but I will continue telling it in a future chapter.

 ***

            Meanwhile, I continued to visit women in our stake. I visited one woman on May 7, 2014 (which was 15 days after Janell passed away). During our visit, she asked me to try to help her daughter, who had also struggled with serious depression for over 20 years. I knocked on her daughter’s door each of the following days and she finally opened the door four days later on May 12th (which was exactly one year prior to the day that Janell’s niece and I completed her temple work). She invited me in and we quickly became friends. She was extremely overweight and deeply depressed, so we started walking together when she returned home from work on most days. Janell and I had walked in the afternoons as well, so each walk helped to heal my heart. Most of the time, this friend picked me up after she decompressed from work and we usually drove up the canyon to walk by the river. That beautiful, relaxing atmosphere was the perfect venue for gradual changes in her life

            I learned more about her life each time we walked and talked. She self-harmed by cutting her arms for several years and both arms were covered with scars. She was the middle daughter in a family of nine children and felt neglected on several levels. She had been in a relationship with a verbally abusive boyfriend for a few years and didn’t stand up for herself because she felt that she didn’t deserve to be treated any differently. She stayed in the relationship because her boyfriend had MS and his health was progressively deteriorating, so it gave her life some purpose to help take care of him. When they started dating, he asked her to stop cutting and she did, so she also felt indebted to him for that. She was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to depression, and that manifested itself in several other ways. She constantly dyed her hair different colors and would often wear different styles of wigs over her hair as well. She eventually shaved her hair completely and continued to just wear wigs instead. As I observed this over several months, I realized that it was probably because her hair was one of the only things about her life she had any control over. She also had limited money management skills and spent most of her paychecks on clothes, purses, and eating out. She often let her mail pile up and wouldn’t open her bills, so she was sent to collections several times, along with some of her wages being garnished.

            I tried to help her through some of those difficult circumstances with varying degrees of success over the following 2 ½ years. After knowing her for a couple of weeks, I felt prompted to suggest that if she stopped eating out for most of her meals, she would have enough money to pay all her bills, she could start paying tithing if she wanted to, and would probably lose some weight as well. I’m normally not quite that bold! She actually listened to me, even though she could have easily chosen to be very offended. As a result, she lost 70 pounds during the next year and felt better emotionally because of our regular walking. She sometimes forgot to fill her prescriptions, so I always offered to go with her to make sure she picked them up, since it was very important for her mental stability. I often walked over to her basement apartment to visit her and helped her redecorate in August 2015. She chose some of her favorite patterns from my scrapbook paper and I cut out large letters to make an uplifting saying for her bedroom wall, at her request. The phrase she chose was, “When you learn you grow. When you grow you change.”

            She was stable enough to have the same full-time job for several years, which was a huge accomplishment. However, she constantly struggled with her finances. After about a year of watching her flounder, I asked if she would like some help, since I have a talent of keeping track of our finances. I helped her make a budget, but she struggled to follow it. I showed her how she could pay off some of her credit cards and even went with her to the bank, but she always maxed out the balances again. After a few weeks, we decided to add her accounts on my Quicken program, so I could help her track her spending. She made progress for a few days and then she would blow all her money on wigs or purses. This pattern occurred frequently and it was frustrating for me, but I continued to try to help her. I discovered during this time that she always remembered to pay her car payment. I asked her why that was different and she explained that the title was in her boyfriend’s name, since she couldn’t qualify for a loan, and she didn’t want to ruin his credit. I realized that the car was another way he could control her. So we worked on several different plans for her to pay off the loan and then she could arrange to have the title transferred to her name. During this same time, I tried to build up her confidence even more than I had in the past and tried to convince her that she deserved to be treated well. She started to believe me, but  never felt like she could break up with her boyfriend because that would include returning the car and she had no way to pay for one herself. Each time she would return from spending the weekend with him, it took me days to build her back up again. That became more and more difficult the longer it went on.  

            In August 2015, I felt strongly that I needed to help her in a way I hadn’t before. I made a few judgement calls to help her pay off and close some of her credit cards, so she could pay down the car loan faster. Then we made a simple plan for her to consistently pay me back over the coming months as well. It worked for about five paychecks and then she found ways to start blowing her money again. The more I tried to help her, the more things spiraled. By October 2015, it looked like I would never get the remaining $1,500 back and that really discouraged me because I thought I had followed promptings. I was also sad because she gained back most of the weight she lost over the previous year. I returned to college that semester, so I didn’t have as much time to spend and she pulled back as well. She rented from a family member and they decided to move, so that meant she had to find a new place to live also. I helped her declutter, clean, and pack up her apartment in late spring 2016 and then helped her move into another small basement apartment in June 2016. I visited her a couple of times to help her get organized, but I didn’t find her home much after that. One time, I did find her home and I spontaneously took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. We talked about how she was feeling in the relationship with her boyfriend and she had finally decided to break up with him. She was scared about the retaliation, though, so we discussed a few different scenarios. I didn’t see her much during fall 2016 and I worried about her, but couldn’t force her to communicate with me.

            During that time, she started dating another guy. He encouraged her to grow her hair back out and to stop hiding behind wigs. He also helped her return the car to her ex-boyfriend late one night with an apology note that she wasn’t able to continue paying on the loan. He comforted her through her episodes of depression and encouraged her in other ways as well. They found an inexpensive car to share and she ended up moving out in January 2017. She texted to ask me for money, but I had to tell her no, which I felt bad about. I just couldn’t afford to lose more than I already had. They rented a small house in a poor, kind of scary, neighborhood in Salt Lake county and began living together from then on. I drove up to treat her to a birthday lunch in December 2017 and she still seemed to be doing okay. She surprised me by sending a wedding announcement in August 2018. I helped served lunch at the church, attended the wedding in her parents’ back yard, and stayed to help with refreshments during the reception that evening. That was the last time I saw her and I hope she’s doing well, since she doesn’t respond to my texts. I sometimes think back to the early days of our friendship when she told people that “God dropped me on her doorstep.” I do believe I was in her life to help her in the ways I could and I’m grateful for the time we shared together.

***

            During my visiting journey, I met three other women who struggled deeply with depression and needed a significant amount of support. Two of them were single and both of their moms passed away during the time I was trying to help them. I stood and sat by one of them at the viewing, funeral, graveside service, and luncheon to try to be supportive. Both were borderline hoarders and I spent several months during summer and fall 2017 helping one of them organize the basement of her parents’ house where she still lived. However, every time I went back over, the progress from the previous time had disappeared. It drained my energy and was very discouraging, so I eventually had to take a step back from helping her in that way. However, I did help her move all her preschool equipment twice, which took several days each time. I also helped the other woman move into an apartment in Provo. I walked and talked with them as much as they would allow me to and that seemed to help their emotional state. One of them earned her master’s degree online during those years and is now employed part-time as a therapist. I earned my associate degree during that same time frame, so we encouraged each other through the almost constant stress we both felt. These two women still struggle and have ongoing challenges, but I was grateful for the opportunity to help in whatever way I could over several years.

            The third woman moved from our ward after she and her husband retired. While she still lived in our neighborhood, she struggled with depression and debilitating anxiety for many years. She had complications from a hip surgery that made it difficult for her to walk and also suffered from congestive heart disease. After they moved to a retirement community in Pleasant Grove, her anxiety and depression became even more difficult for her to bear. One day in 2015, I was driving to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple and felt prompted to text her. I stopped by the next time I was in her area and that began the extensive amount of time I spent in her home trying to uplift and comfort her. She often texted me in between the visits and I tried to give her hope until the next visit. She was too anxious to drive very far and feeling trapped at home was part of her struggle. Sometimes her husband dropped her off at a hair salon and I would sit with her to keep her company. Then I would drive her back home. I encouraged her to drive when I was there and just tried to keep her calm from the passenger seat. Often, we would drive to Subway or Purple Turtle for lunch that way. Two other times, I attended an appointment with her psychiatrist and also with her cardiologist to provide moral support.

            After three years, nothing I did or said seemed to help for more than a couple hours. I felt exhausted trying to balance my visits with her, helping two of the women I wrote about previously, keeping up with my college classes, attending the temple regularly, and trying to still have time for my family. Finally, I made the difficult decision to stop visiting her, but we still texted back and forth quite a bit for 1 ½ more years. She sent me a text on the night our grandson was born in January 2020 to tell me she was having heart bypass surgery the next day. I had a strong feeling that she wouldn’t survive the surgery, so I texted back that I would pray for her, told her again how much I loved her, and that I was grateful for our friendship. She passed away from complications later that week. I attended her funeral and couldn’t help but be grateful, even though I was sad, that she was finally free of the mental and physical challenges that had plagued her for so many years.

            My time with each of these women helped me to understand that it’s important to try not to worry about the results when you reach out to others. Kindness or service to others doesn’t need to end in a certain result for the kindness or service to matter. I believe that my kindness mattered to Janell even though that situation didn’t end at all like I hoped it would. I believe it mattered to the others also, even though I wasn’t able to do as much as I wanted to for them. In another type of service, missionaries spend most of their time planting seeds. The changes in people’s lives usually take a long time. I continue to remind myself to not be overly concerned with the outcome of my efforts.

Chapter 24: Focusing Less on Outcomes (part 1)

* I woke up in the middle of the night with heartburn, which rarely happens anymore. So I got up and worked on this part of the story between 4:30am and 6:30am this morning. I still have more to write, but I will post this and come back to finish it soon.

            The main way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. There are countless experiences I could share about this, but the one I want to focus on is how I met Janell. At the end of January 2014 (almost five months after my original prompting), the sister missionaries asked if they could stop by. I agreed and they showed us a video about doing missionary work in our everyday life. That prompted me to put several names on the temple prayer roll the next time I was there and Janell was one of them. Since I was out visiting people on most days, my hope was that the Lord would cross my path with hers. A couple weeks later in mid-February, I walked to the retirement community near our home, which was something I did regularly. I was helping a friend with several of her temple names and I tried to return the completed card each time. My friend wasn’t home that day, which was unusual, because her husband suffered from the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease. As I left her driveway, I was strongly prompted to knock on Janell’s door. She lived next door to this friend, but I never knocked on her door before because a few people in our ward had advised me to not attempt to visit her, since she was no longer interested in attending church.

            She answered the door and I had a brief conversation with her. I explained in my typical animated way that I was enjoying getting to know many of her neighbors to help overcome the social anxiety I had experienced for several years. I asked if I could call her to set up a time to come back and visit her also, since she didn’t have much time that day. She agreed, but I think it was mostly because she didn’t want to reject me entirely, since I explained my desire to visit her in such an enthusiastic way. I called her a few hours later and reminded her who I was. During the beginning of that call, she said (and I quote), “I am a psych nurse. Are you sure you’re not having a manic episode?” Even though she said it rather rudely, I just tried to laugh it off and explained again that I just wanted to get to know more people. I sincerely emphasized that “I used to think people were the problem and now I know people are the answer for me.” She wasn’t completely convinced, so I asked if I could call her back again sometime. I was feeling a sense of urgency, so I called her back two more times over the next few days. She was difficult to talk to at first, but I felt some hope because she continued to answer the phone and I’m fairly certain she had caller ID.

            During those conversations, I learned she was a convert to the church, but hadn’t attended in years. I promised her that I wasn’t trying to visit her because of a calling or church assignment, I just sincerely wanted to know her better. On the third call, I let her know that I wouldn’t keep bothering her if she wasn’t interested in developing a friendship. However, she genuinely surprised me by calling back a couple days later. We talked for almost 45 minutes about some really important and difficult things in both of our lives. For example, she shared that her only daughter had taken her own life in 1992 when she was 16 years old and that her only son had died in their bathtub from a drug overdose in 2007 when he was 25 years old. I think she thought telling me those sad experiences would scare me away, but I listened carefully and expressed as much empathy as I could for those deeply tragic losses. At the end of the call, I asked her if I could come over and visit her in the next few minutes and she agreed. I was so grateful for the trust that showed.

            I immediately walked over to her house after that phone call. Instead of being hesitant that time, she opened the door wide, smiled at me, and gave me a hug. I had quickly printed out a list of things that helped me overcome the debilitating depression I had experienced. I gave her that paper, along with a favorite kind of protein bar, since we had discussed a couple of simple physical fitness ideas during our phone call. I asked her if she would ever be interested in walking with me because I wanted more than anything to do something to help people who had experienced depression like I had. To my surprise, she said she would like to try that. So we decided right then that we would start walking together on weekday afternoons. It became very clear to me during our first walk that she was extremely depressed, so I didn’t know how much I could actually do to change her situation. However, as I discussed at the beginning of chapter 19, I learned from John Lund that all I needed to do was “love much and do what I can do.” The two things I could try to do were to walk with Janell as often as she would let me on weekday afternoons and try to bring joy and cheer into that small time I spent with her. I didn’t know how I could really make a difference for her, but I was willing to try to help in my small and simple way.

            My love for Janell grew quickly during the handful of walks we went on, even though we had very little in common. As we were walking back to her house one day, we talked with the woman who lived next door to her on the other side. She explained that she was planning to have those same sister missionaries over for dinner later that week and invited both of us to join them. I don’t think Janell would have agreed under any other circumstance, but I had already explained that I believed their message was the reason I was brave enough to knock on her door in the first place. Later that week, I returned to her home about a half hour before that dinner was supposed to happen. She invited me in to keep her company while she finished getting ready. Her husband, Dee, had started calling me “Wendy bird” (a reference to the Disney animated movie, Peter Pan) when he opened the door before some of our walks. Janell officially introduced me to him. Then I followed her back to their bedroom where I sat (and bounced a little) on her tall, comfy bed and talked with her while she finished getting ready for the dinner. I was a little nervous too, since I had rarely been to dinner at other people’s houses before. Most of those dinners had been when I was serving as a full-time missionary and they often made me feel anxious back then also. It ended up being an enjoyable dinner, though. One of the missionaries was very casual and fun. I remembered that from when they visited my house. She helped us both feel much more comfortable than we would have been otherwise, since we found out that the husband of the woman who had invited us had served as a full-time mission president several years earlier. I walked her home after dinner and gave her a hug.

            I think Janell and I walked a few more times after that and I was planning to walk with her for as long as she would let me. Unfortunately, she also took her own life over Easter weekend in mid-April 2014 (after we had only been walking together for just under two months). I called on the Monday after Easter to see when Janell would like to walk that afternoon. Dee was hesitant when I asked to talk with her and then, after a long pause, Janell’s half-sister picked up the phone. She felt sad about being the one to break the news to me and I remember just crumpling to my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks as she explained the few details she knew about what had happened that weekend. After we both cried as we talked for those minutes, I asked if she would allow me to come over and give her a hug in person. She agreed and I continued to cry as I told my husband.

            I then walked, with tears still streaming down my face, over to my good friend’s house who was serving as the Relief Society president. She was as shocked at hearing the news as I was, since I had talked to her about my happiness over the  progress I was making with Janell during our morning walks with the other women in the ward. She asked if she could call the bishop to tell him and I said that would probably be okay. Then she agreed to walk over to Janell’s house with me and I was so grateful for her support. The bishop drove over before we arrived to ask if the ward could help with a funeral. Dee agreed to a luncheon for the extended family after the graveside service, since Janell would be cremated. Our visit was more casual than that one and it was a comfort to Dee and Janell’s half-sister. My friend’s dad had taken his own life years earlier, so she expressed sincere empathy to them. Janell’s half-sister told me again that Janell had talked with her several times about the walks she had been on with me. She told me that she didn’t believe anyone else could have coaxed Janell out of her dark house and into the sunlight. I was so sad, but also very grateful for that confirmation of Janell’s friendship with me. She hugged me and then my friend and I slowly walked back home. Since my friend was the Relief Society president, she had asked for a rough estimate of how many would be attending the luncheon. So she was able to start planning for that with several other women in the ward after she walked me to my doorstep. I was grateful for her love and support, since I felt like I was still in shock over the situation. She gave me a long hug and then left.

            I attended the graveside service a few days later and took the opportunity to share a few thoughts at the microphone. When I found out what happened that Monday afternoon, I was devastated. I seriously wondered what all that time spent with Janell had been for because I really thought I was in her life to help save her life. However, God helped me know unmistakably that it was because He loves Janell and her family. Looking back, I was able to have a “goodbye” talk with her on one of our walks shortly before she died. I asked her what she thought of me when I first knocked on her door a couple of months earlier. She confirmed that she thought I was kind of crazy and we both laughed. (That seemed to be the consensus with most women I visited. Most of them thought I was trying to sell them something at first. They always seemed pleasantly surprised at the end of our visit that it actually was only about building a friendship.) Then I asked her what she thought that day as we were on that walk. She said something similar to her half-sister. There was no one else who could have convinced her to leave her dark house and walk out in the sunshine. I reminded her that I knocked on her door because God loves her and He wanted her to feel His love through me. Just simple, little me. I could tell that she was softening toward the gospel as we talked and walked and I believe she definitely left this life going in the right direction. I have always appreciated a quote by Neal A. Maxwell that says “Eternal things are always done in the process of time…. Direction is initially more important than speed”  (Relief Society Personal Study Guide 2: Learn of Me, “Love Within the Family,” p. 95).

Chapter 17: Divine Intersections

* I still have two stories to add at the end (or possibly in another chapter), but I wanted to post this as proof that my mind started working again! (I revisited this and posted a picture on August 15, 2020.)

            I believe that God orchestrates countless details behind the scenes in all of our lives to bless us and support us. I think this especially applies to the people who come into our lives – often at just the right time. Neal A. Maxwell explained: “You and I may call these intersectings ‘coincidence.’ This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by ‘coincidence’ but … by ‘divine design’” (“Brim with Joy,” BYU Speeches, 23 Jan. 1996). This chapter is longer than the others because it is all about the divine intersections God has orchestrated in my life over the past decade.

            Divine intersection #1. A woman in our previous ward lives with her husband in the retirement community near the home we lived in for 19 years. On the surface, it appears that we have nothing in common – she’s old enough to by my mother, she’s very well-connected with the socially elite, has been deeply involved in church and community service throughout her life, and has extremely useful talents and skills. However, we later discovered a few connections: both of our fathers were religion professors at BYU, we’re both the oldest child in our families of origin, and her younger brother was the bishop of the first ward John and I attended after being married. Prior to becoming friends, she called to ask me to share my testimony in her Easter lesson at the end of March 2013. She assured me that she had been strongly prompted to ask me and spent about 10 minutes coaxing me into agreeing. (This was before I began my visiting journey, so I wasn’t comfortable saying yes to anxiety producing experiences.) She was grateful that I was willing to participate in her lesson and we gradually became friends after that. Several years into our friendship, she explained that she had watched me force myself to come to church week after week, often with wet hair from a shower, wearing t-shirts under plain jumpers, and no jewelry. She felt prompted to be a friend, but wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. Since then, she has “watched me blossom” with growing confidence in the way I dress and take care of myself, in my interactions with other people, and the goals I’ve accomplished.

            I have often commented that she’s had a front row seat for all the changes I’ve made in my life over the past seven years and has been a mentor to me in many ways. We have enjoyed many long and uplifting conversations about our insights into the gospel. Several times, I have gone to her house or she has picked me up in her car when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. She has always been patient and compassionate as I have cried many tears and talked through my confusion and concern during challenging situations. We have attended the temple or visited the temple grounds together a few times, walked and talked under the shade of the trees in an office park near her home or sat in her peaceful back yard several times, and spent countless hours talking in her beautiful home. She was always willing to let me sit with her at church when my family stopped attending, she invited me over to sit by the cozy fireplace to watch the Christmas devotional with her and her husband one year, and her husband once gave me a Priesthood blessing of comfort. Prior to the pandemic, we had a tradition of treating each other to lunch at Zupas or Olive Garden for our birthdays and other special occasions. She was my most faithful supporter when I went back to college, she was a sounding board and proof reader for my papers, and celebrated with me when I finally earned my associate degree.

            As I look around my office and bedroom I still see several thoughtful gifts she’s given me over the years. A decorative wooden block in my office with this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley, “keep trying, keep believing, be happy, don’t get discouraged, things will work out.” A cheerful polka dot frame in my bedroom with a set of uplifting quote cards, but I have always kept it on one that inspired me the most. It’s one by A.A. Milne that is often quoted, “You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” When I moved into our new home, she gave me a wall hanging that says, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop.” When I graduated with my associate degree, she gave me a necklace that says, “I can do hard things.” She also gave me a Willow Tree statue of an angel because she often referred to me as an “earth angel” during my visiting journey. She has truly been an angel to me and I will always be grateful that God prompted her to become a much-needed friend at a crossroads in my life.

            Divine intersection #2 is with my favorite inspirational song writer and singer, Hilary Weeks. I attended a benefit concert in her home in August 2012. Then I attended a women’s conference in my mom’s stake where she was speaking and performing in February 2014. Even though I was feeling anxious, I immediately went up to the stand afterward to thank her for the uplifting influence she has had on my life and on the lives of some of the friends that I’ve shared her music with. I was thankful I took that opportunity, but looked down later and realized I had accidentally worn non-matching flats on my feet – which has never happened before or since. A few days later, I was strongly prompted to look up her phone number and call her. I thought it seemed like a crazy idea, but it was very similar to my original prompting that began my visiting journey, so I didn’t argue with it. I knew her address from attending the benefit concert, so I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to use it to find her phone number. I took a deep breath and dialed her number, thinking that I would just leave a message and that would be it. However, she “just happened” to be home watching the Olympics on TV that evening, instead of preparing for the next Time Out for Women. I realized that was why the prompting was so urgent in that moment. I had no idea what to say, but heard myself asking if she would ever let me visit her.  She said I should email her representative and that she would set something up.

            I ended up meeting her and her oldest daughter for lunch at the Trellis Café at Thanksgiving Point in July 2014. I paid for their lunch, we took a picture together, her daughter texted the picture to me, and I thought that was it. However, I was inspired to stop by their home and visited with her and her family briefly while I was out in Lehi one day, we ran into each other at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple another day and she remembered my name, then she agreed to meet me for breakfast the day before I had a surgery in March 2015. Again, I thought that was the last time I would spend time with her. However, one day in September 2016, I was leaving the Provo Temple and I ran into an old family friend, who ended up being Hilary’s current Relief Society president. That prompted me to buy tickets for back-to-back nights of Hilary’s CD launch concert. I drove with a good friend up to Kingsbury Hall on the U of U campus for the first night and then drove with another good friend up to Ogden for the second night. I talked with Hilary’s daughter and took a picture with her Relief Society president at the first concert, since we were sitting close to the front. I also waited in line to take a picture with Hilary after the concert. She was surprised that I would want to go to her concert two nights in a row, but they were both uplifting and worth-while experiences. I thought it was such a great way to end my association with Hilary. However, in December 2016 that same family friend invited me to attend their ward’s Christmas party in Woodland Hills, where Hilary would be performing. I had the opportunity to talk with Hilary for a few minutes before the dinner, where she said something that really helped me with a struggle I was currently dealing with, and then took a picture of her with her extended family afterward. I thought that was the last time I would see her. However, I received another prompting to attend a Love Your Life gathering in Woodland Hills that she co-hosted with Emily Belle Freeman in September 2017. I was able to talk afterward for a while with her representative that arranged our first lunch back in 2014 and took a picture with her, Hilary, and Emily.

            I now just subscribe to Hilary’s Live All In program and continue to text her occasionally. I emailed to tell her I was going to delete her phone number from my contacts back in November 2016 because I didn’t want to be annoying. She texted me right back with this, “Just saw your email and you are in big trouble! Add me back in your contacts immediately young lady! You are the best!” I texted her again in July 2019 to ask if she would allow me to use her lyrics in this book, since so much of my journey has been shaped by her music and lyrics. She texted back, “I think you could write an amazing book and it would be an honor for me to have the lyrics included! Let me know how it goes! You’ll do great!!!” I texted her one other notable time in April 2020 to send her pictures of the uplifting lyric cards I’ve used to decorated the walls in my office and to tell her I had been prompted to put her and her family on the temple prayer roll before the pandemic forced the closures. She replied, “What an absolutely sweet and thoughtful text. Thank you for all of it. Everything. You are an angel.” I’m grateful for her good influence on my life, both personally and through her music. She could have just considered me one of her many fans, but she remembered my name, spent some of her valuable time with me on a few occasions, and treated me like I was special. All of that mattered a lot to me during times when I really needed some special treatment.

             During the last decade, I have given away approximately 70 of her CDs to friends who I felt could benefit from her uplifting music. I’ve also purchased six of the leather cuffs she makes and sells on her website. I’ve given three away as gifts and have kept three to remind me of her kindness. Hilary wrote a song titled “Hero” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). The following lyrics explain how I feel about her personally:

…Quietly changing one life at a time

You may never know

What a difference you’ve made in mine…

A friend to the lonely, a light in the dark

You may never know

What a blessing you are…

I hope someday you’ll see

You’re a hero to me

 

            Divine intersection #3. I received the prompting that started my visiting journey on the evening of September 4, 2013. I realized that our stake institute class began meeting the next day, so I took a leap of faith and began attending the next morning because I thought it would be a great place to start “knowing more people in the stake,” as my prompting suggested. I attended the classes each Thursday morning for that entire school year, which gave me a greater appreciation and deeper understanding of The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. I also attended half of the classes the following year, where we studied the life of Christ in the 4 Gospels of the New Testament. I stayed after to talk with one of the teachers quite often and we became friends.

            She was involved in a program called “Dress Your Truth” and she shared it with me. Through the discovery process of that program, I learned that I was a type 1 – light and bright. Because of that, I donated all the clothes in my wardrobe that were black or dull colors, which didn’t flatter me anyway. I began wearing clothes with brighter hues, switched out most of my silver jewelry for mostly bright gold, and eventually cut my hair in a style that was shorter in back and more flattering to my face shape in the front. Those small adjustments helped to increase my self-confidence as I was continuing to overcome anxiety during my visiting adventure. A few years later, that same institute teacher served in the baptistry of the Provo Temple on Tuesdays. When I discovered that, I spent most Tuesday afternoons in the baptistry so I could see her and also work on my growing number of baptisms and confirmations. (I will discuss that more in a later chapter.) I will always be grateful for those ways that she influenced my life for good.

            Divine intersection #4. In addition to beginning my experience of attending stake institute classes after my prompting, I also had another first the morning following that original prompting. I decided to walk our daughter to the bus stop at 7:20am on September 5, 2013. After that, I started walking around the nearby track as part of my walking for the day. I noticed that a few women from our ward were walking ahead of me, but I didn’t pay much attention because, at that point, I rarely walked with other people. I was still mostly walking on my own to destinations around town. However, they “just happened” to notice me and waited for me where part of the path curved up to the cemetery on the hill above. They invited me to join them on their walk around the cemetery and I tried to decline, but they were persistent. I finally agreed to join them and thought to myself that it wouldn’t hurt to just walk with them and listen to the conversation. Well, this group of women included the current Relief Society president, the previous Relief Society president, and the wives of the bishop and one of his counselors. They are the kind of women who would have been in tune with the Spirit. They are also thoughtful and caring people, so they skillfully drew me into the conversation.

            I distinctly remember the very clear thought that came into my mind and I’m assuming it was a prompting as well, “You need to start walking with these women.” I don’t think I would have normally paid that close attention to it, but it followed the original prompting and I suddenly realized that our ward was part of the stake. Therefore, that was a way I could begin to “know more people in the stake.” Later that week, it was just me and the current Relief Society president that ended up walking. It gave us time to get to know each other better on a deeper level. She had been the Primary president several years earlier and I was called to teach the eight and nine-year-old children two years in a row – before I descended into the deep depression I was still recovering from. So we already knew each other and I considered her a friend, but we weren’t extremely close. During that walk I explained my prompting and asked if there was anyone she was worried about in the ward that could benefit from a visit. She mentioned a few women and they ended up being some of the first people I visited.

            I think it was probably part of God’s plan to have that one-on-one visit because it basically launched my visiting journey. As I continued to walk with the group on most mornings, my friendship with them deepened. I became especially close to this Relief Society president, though, and she was the first friend I told about John’s unbelief during the following year, since she also had stewardship over me in her calling. As the years passed, she has continued to be one of my dearest friends. (I eventually stopped walking with the group in the mornings because I didn’t have enough energy to walk with them and visit all the women I ended up having appointments with during my visiting journey.) I visited her regularly at her home during the following years and we sometimes went on drives to talk when we needed more privacy. We have comforted and supported each other through many struggles with our family members and life in general. She is the friend I attended the first Hilary Weeks concert with and she is one of the only friends from our previous neighborhood that visited me multiple times in our new home after we moved in March 2017.

            In the months that followed, one of the women in our walking group was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I was able to empathize with her because I had been diagnosed in January 2013. We also walked alone a few times and with just the Relief Society president several other times. During those particular walks, she realized I was a “much cooler person” than she had originally thought. Her only other experiences with me had been less positive because she was the Young Women president when our daughter was in that program. Our daughter had seizures for several years when she was younger and, unfortunately, spent her adolescent years slowly recovering emotionally, socially, and scholastically from the difficulties caused by the seizures and the medicine used to treat them. So, that was logistically difficult for this Young Women president when it came to planning activities and attending girls camp. I was grateful that she saw me in a different setting so we could become friends. Her gift is spirituality mixed with humor, so there was a lot of laughter during those walks – which is “good medicine,” as the saying goes.

            Divine intersection #5 is with a woman I visited in a different ward of our stake. I had seen her occasionally at elementary school functions years before, but had never talked with her more than just saying hello. I visited her in April 2014 and it was a nice visit, but I didn’t feel like we really clicked. A few months later, in September 2014, I kept seeing her walking up the hill near our home in the mornings and, every time I did, I literally wanted to abandon my car on the side of the road and just start walking with her! After that happened three times, I realized those were actually strong promptings and I finally decided to call and leave a voice mail message telling her just that. She called me back and we planned to start walking together in the beginning of October. It turned out that she needed to talk with me about some struggles she was having with some of her family members. After the first few walks, she felt that she could trust me and started confiding in me about situations she didn’t feel comfortable talking about with anyone else. We quickly became close friends and have comforted and supported each other through many struggles and difficult situations since then. She is another dear friend who has continued to visit me after we moved across town. She drives to my house and then we enjoy walking and talking on the path next to the river. The sound of the water and shade from the trees makes it a very relaxing and healing experience for us. Sometimes our lives become busy and we don’t see each other for a few weeks or sometimes months, but when life settles down, it is easy for us to pick up right where we left off. I love friendships like that.  

            Divine intersection #6. About 19 months into my visiting journey, I decided to stretch myself in a way that wouldn’t have been possible previously. I volunteered to be a chaperone on the high school choir tour to Seattle in April 2015. It was my last chance to support our daughter (who needed my support on a trip that long), since she was a senior that year. Our son was a sophomore and would also be going, but he was very independent and didn’t want any attention from me. I made a goal to continue my visiting by talking with each of the other twelve women who were chaperones on the buses. It took some creativity and bravery, but I was able to have one-on-one conversations with each of them at some point during those four days. One of the women was later killed in a tragic bike accident and I’ve always been so grateful that I took the opportunity to get to know her on that trip. I also walked and talked with two other women who helped chaperone after we returned and I appreciated getting to know them on a deeper level.

            There was one woman, in particular, that I felt strongly prompted to get to know better. So I decided to start walking around the first museum with her on the day after we arrived in Seattle. I felt like we clicked almost immediately and I was so grateful for her company that day, since our children were off having fun with the other students. When we went to the third museum of the day, I was prompted to ask her a deeper question, which created an opportunity for us to talk about spiritual topics from that point on. We still joke occasionally how we were having this testimony-building conversation in a mostly dark area of the Pop Culture Museum while the sound of light sabers were echoing all around us. We ended up spending most of our free time together on the remaining days of the tour and sat by each other on the bus ride home. That gave us a long time to talk and I felt like we had always known each other by the time we arrived home again. After we returned, we attended the temple together, we’ve walked and talked off and on ever since, and our new house is within walking distance of hers. Similar to the first friend I wrote about, we don’t appear to have anything in common on the surface. Our daughter graduated from high school the same year as her youngest daughter, but that’s about it. However, we’ve had similar struggles in several areas and have appreciated each other’s support as we’ve talked through them again and again.

            I feel so blessed that God crossed my path with each of these amazing women when He did. They each fill a different need in my life and I am so grateful for their support and love. My patriarchal blessing says, “You will have stumbling blocks come before you. There will be friends raised up to help you over them. Use these stumbling blocks as stepping stones.” These friends have each, in their own unique ways, helped me turn many of my stumbling blocks into stepping stones.