Recording the "great things" God has done

I spent about eight hours posting these eleven posts today. I was wondering if I had just been completely obsessive, but then I remembered 3 Nephi 23:9-14 ~ 

11 And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them? 

12 And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written. 

13 And it came to pass that Jesus commanded that it should be written; therefore it was written according as he commanded.

The things I wrote were some of the "great things" that God has done for me over the past six weeks. 

I planned to not post anymore after the first draft of the book was finished, but it felt like important work to do in preparation for the podcast interview on Wednesday morning. 

I posted the four thought downloads I sent my life coach between Saturday morning (before General Conference began) and Wednesday evening (prior to our session on Thursday afternoon). 

I made four separate posts of the details about my four spiritual experiences that pierced through the darkness of the past six weeks: 

• Scripture study on August 30th: Learning to love myself through remembering Christ
• Digital fireside on August 31st: Encouragement to continue, even when discouraged
• Digital fireside on September 19th: "More Purpose in Prayer"
• My answer during General Conference: Turn your full focus to Jesus Christ

Plus, a few posts about corresponding with a potential new therapist (we have a preliminary phone call on Monday afternoon) and preparing for the podcast. 

Unexpected invitation and God's timing

Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon. 

• I explained in my reply: 

We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.

• This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email: 

"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"

• I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:

I am so glad you accepted. As I was praying about who I should invite to be on the podcast yesterday, I felt I was supposed to invite you…so, God is in the details. I can’t wait for next week.

• This is the reply I just sent:

Thanks, Tamara. I believe in prayer and God's timing. I'm continuing to learn how timing is an important detail ("tender mercy") when our prayers are answered. It helps us know He is aware of us in a more intimate way. 

I wrote several long "thought downloads" to my life coach beginning on Saturday (before General Conference) and ending Wednesday evening. The combination of ten hours of General Conference, lots of prayer, and emptying out my brain like that are the reasons I finally pulled out of my depression. I had to put away my book on September 17th after several revisions of parts 1-3 because it was just making the situation worse. 

I had the chance to walk and talk with two dear friends on the Friday before and the Monday after General Conference. I hadn't seen either of them during the previous weeks of depression. Then my younger sister "just happened" to drive here from Colorado a day earlier than planned on Wednesday night and we walked and talked yesterday morning. 

She is my only sister and is one of my dearest friends. She understands and loves me completely, even though she knows all the less than positive things about me and my life. I read the thought download emails to her toward the end of our walk. As she was leaving, she said that she thinks I didn't have a mental block or a "nervous breakdown" over my book--she thinks there is just more of my journey that will need to be included before I can finish it. I had never thought of it that way and it gave me hope. Writing is very difficult for me and it doesn't come naturally. It helped me to not feel like I failed at something I worked so hard on after all. 

After listening to a couple of your podcast episodes, I decided to post those thought downloads on my blog today. 

Your invitation came at precisely the right time. God prepared me to be able to say yes--and gave me time to be introspective, which may help us talk about what most needs to be said for your listeners during the interview. I will continue to be prayerful between now and then.

***

One other side note: Tamara is the cousin-in-law of my good friend. My friend, her children, brother, and parents have all helped me with many temple ordinances. I am so grateful to her and them. She sent me this text on July 2nd: 

"I was just talking to my cousin's wife who does a podcast on having hope during hard times. She asked if I had anyone I thought she should interview and I sent her your number because I think you are amazing and articulate. So if you hear from Tamara Anderson it's my fault."

My friend is a BYU English professor, so that is high praise coming from someone who is as amazing and articulate as she is. 

I thought Tamara would never contact me and I hadn't thought of it since that text. So, here we are a little over three months later. 

God's timing. I'm so grateful for how he orchestrates so much behind the scenes to bless each of us. 

Summary and Miracles (fourth and final thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

•  Final update to my life coach on the evening before our 22nd coaching session: 

Coming back to what my coach has tried so hard to teach me: 

* I feel like all the emails I've sent her since Saturday morning have been part of my extremely long thought download. 

* I've tried to feel my feelings of sadness, confusion, frustration, regret, and disappointment by letting the tears come, rather than keeping them inside. 

* I've tried to understand why I felt the way I did and comfort myself, rather than continue to punish myself for all the errors in judgment I made along the way. 

* As I started to see it all in context, it was easier to understand why I made those errors and how I could show compassion to myself, since I wasn't actually trying to do anything wrong. 

* I have renewed my faith in the Savior's atonement by turning more fully toward Him. 

* I've tried to make some course corrections and I've realized that maybe nothing actually went permanently wrong--I can learn from my mistakes and eventually become stronger because of them. 

***

 A miracle happened today. My good friend (Divine Intersection #4) and her husband were invited to the temple for her nephew's pre-mission endowment. She handed out the endowment cards that I gave her at the end of February to the other family members who were attending the session--and ALL EIGHT were completed today! I was so grateful for that unexpected and miraculous gift God orchestrated to uplift me this afternoon just when I needed to know it was going to be okay. I wanted to share all of this with my coach, so that I didn't spend all of tomorrow's session just filling her in.

* My coach's reply: I love how God works through so many people . . . the eight people who just had their work done, the unexpected gift to remind you that everything is okay, the nephew who got to go to the temple still even in the midst of the pandemic, etc. I'm sure there were even more that we aren't even aware of. I think the real miracle for me to see is that you realized that maybe nothing actually permanently went wrong.

* My reply: I agree about the miracles. Heavenly Father is a genius at doing His work and allowing us to help where we can along the way.

***

My sister drove into town on Wednesday night and I was so grateful for the opportunity to walk with her yesterday morning (with our grandson in the stroller) before my coaching session. 

She shared some amazing miracles in her life:

* a neighbor who lives across the street who "just happens" to be a member of the church and is willing to help with car, sprinkler, and computer issues

* the only other family in their ward who has a dad/husband who is deployed "just happens" to have kids the same age as hers

* packages of food they sent miraculously reaching her deployed husband just when he was almost out of food . . .

Then I read these thought downloads to her at the end of our walk. When she was saying goodbye, she said that she thinks the reason I had such a mental block/emotional breakdown over the book is that my journey is continuing and there is still more that needs to be included in the book. I had never considered that I may be having a type of "stupor of thought." That gave me hope and helped me feel less upset about all the struggles of the past few weeks. 

Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

• Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog): 

Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way. 

During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was. 

Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram. 

The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months. 

The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable. 

I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." 

One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses. 

And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction. 

I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite. 

That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus. 

By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them). 

Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes. 

So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path. 

I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month. 

More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)

• Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):

My emotions have been all over the place since our last coaching session. Last night, I wanted to send an email and tell you I was quitting again. I'm so grateful that I didn't. I will try to share what has happened. I just wrote it all in my purple notebook. 

As I mentioned before, I stopped following Jody Moore (and also my friend who has recently become a life coach) on Instagram and unsubscribed from their podcasts on Saturday evening during the General Women's Meeting. I was so sad about it. But now I understand why. 

After praying this morning (which I have rarely done consistently), I stopped following Hilary Weeks, Emily Freeman, David Butler, and "Don't Miss This" study on Instagram. Instead, I started following four accounts that focus more regularly on Come Follow Me, General Conference, and beautiful art in connection with them. I realized that they (and Kenneth Cope and Brad Wilcox) are all extroverts and are very popular. Plus, I realized that when I follow them and interact with them, I feel like I am inferior and not contributing to the world in a positive way. 

I cried on Sunday evening after my husband did the sacrament for me (because I thought it would help me feel less empty after Conference), but it just made me feel more sad that I couldn't talk about it with anyone in my family. I accidentally mentioned that there would be a temple built in Lindon too, which was definitely the wrong thing to say to our son. 

I cried so much yesterday morning also. It ended up being the day off of our grandson's dad, so he watched our grandson—and I didn't have anything constructive to wake up to. I just can't figure out what to focus on. So I sit and spin my wheels—while trying to pray for direction. I texted my friend (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #1) that I was too depressed to come and wouldn't be good company. She didn't want to pressure me, but felt like I should still come if I could. So we switched the time to noon, instead of two, and I forced myself to drive over there. 

We walked for awhile and then sat under some trees and talked before walking back to her house. She also agreed that I had a "perfect storm" of circumstances that was very difficult—especially since no friends were around to support me during the past month (except for my ministering sister a couple of times). She thought that maybe a reason I'm not getting answers or feeling inspired to do anything more is that I need to prioritize rest—since I've been so exhausted. She reminded me that my MS keeping me up at night, my depression, and also my early mornings with our grandson could all be taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I thought that laying in bed was depression and reverting to my old ways, but she thinks it has been wise self care. My husband actually agrees. 

I forced myself to do the rowing machine for a few minutes in my husband's office after I returned home. I'm still trying to get the $340 refund from our marriage therapy, trying to decide whether to change treatments for MS (my neurologist wants me to try a ten-day pill solution, instead of an infusion), and trying to decide on a new individual therapist (two have responded and they seem much more user friendly than our previous office). I'm nervous about the side effects of changing medications and also don't want to start more therapy until I'm done with coaching and until my deductible is met (hopefully in early November). MS treatments cost $40K, so patients' assistance helps pay for them and meets our deductible—I feel like that's the only way I can contribute in a positive way to the family's finances. 

My husband also clarified that he doesn't mind if I work on my book or family history or organizing my closet—as long as I don't focus solely on one activity to the exclusion of all others (he calls them mono-activities). That is so difficult for me (with the combination of a slow warm up to activities because of depression and then hyperfocus because of obsessive compulsive tendencies and hypomania) because I'm afraid it will disappear when the next wave of depression hits. That's what happened with my book. 

Yesterday evening, I watched 1.5 videos from that organization program I bought because I couldn't focus on actually doing something. (She is the one I had the complimentary call with that inspired me to start writing my book.) She taught "the self-coaching model" in the first video. She explained that a way to process emotion is to try to describe what is happening to an alien, who has no idea what human emotion feels like. That was a different way of thinking about it, but I don't know if it will help. As you know, that's the part that I've never been able to figure out. I started crying again because it all felt so futile. 

I decided to "give up" and go to bed early again. I continued to listen to "Grace Where You Are" by Emily Freeman, but that seemed to make my tears worse. I know that I have a really good life. I don't have struggles like the pioneers or people who have cancer or are blind, but sometimes my emotional instability is more than I feel that I can handle. My husband was very sweet and he just sat by me last night as I kept having waves of tears. (He reminded me that this has happened before and it will pass like it always does. It's almost impossible for me to remember that in the darkness of that moment, though.) 

My husband also said that I make him feel good because I always believe he can do more than he can do and it encourages him to do more than he normally would be able to. I'm grateful that there is something I'm doing right in our relationship. He wants me to practice focusing on my divine worth to Jesus, since that's what I believe. That works well when I'm feeling healthy, but I get very upset with myself during times like this when I'm floundering. He says that's exactly when I need to practice it, so I will keep trying. 

Today, when I was watching our grandson, I cleared some of the excess clutter out of his play pen (sometimes we give him empty bottles and other "garbage" to play with because he loves them so much more than toys). In that moment, I realized that I need to continue clearing out anything that makes me feel like I don't measure up. I'm not cool and stylish like Jody Moore and Hilary Weeks. 

I don't have the ability to make any money like my life coach or them. But I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to be productive or influential to be valuable; I just need to be the best me that I can each day. I need to love and give in ways that I am able to on that day—not any other day and not like other people do. As I uncover who I really am through more simplicity, I will be able to love myself more and more. I know that was the Spirit speaking because I'm not confident enough to just write that normally. 

So I thought I should share it with my coach also. I'm nervous about our final sessions. I want them to be productive and I want to follow my coach's counsel. I know I was led to her, but I just don't know why—since I haven't been able to figure out my thoughts and feelings very well.

My Answer (October 3–4, 2020)

• Update to my life coach after evening session of General Conference on October 3rd: 

I feel much more grounded now that I've listened to six hours of conference talks and calming music. And have cried a bucket full of tears. 

During the women's meeting, I made the hard decision to delete Jody Moore off Instagram and unsubscribed from her podcast. I literally sobbed when I pushed those buttons, but I felt the Lord whispering that I need to focus more on the simple and basic truths of the gospel to refill my tank. She was one of the reasons I found my coach, though, and I'm grateful for that. Perhaps, I will find a new therapist because of those promptings this morning as well.

• Update to my life coach before morning session of General Conference on October 4th:

The answer to my struggles has descended powerfully upon me overnight. 

Picture from Jasper National Park in Alberta, Canada
(I'm not sure who to give photo credit to.)

I have spent so much time trying to figure out my brain and feelings (which are both damaged because of mortality) over the past six months that I have completely turned my life upside down. Jesus is my answer. If you're able to support me in that, I welcome your help. I also welcome your prayers. 

I'm all in with this new model. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Are you interested in coaching me with this? 

* My coach replied:  Absolutely!!! He is the answer to everything.

The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)

• I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog): 

I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up. 

Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th. 

That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away). 

During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book. Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point. 

In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft. She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support. 

I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017). 

On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson. 

I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her. My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also. 

As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in. 

I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck. 

I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November. So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.

Roller coaster of emotions (summary while trying to find another therapist)

• Brief summary of this blog (and hopefully a finished book someday), along with a recent update:

I walked and talked my way back to good health on my own and with others from 2010 to 2018. I progressed from wishing I could die and rarely leaving our bedroom (2008-2010) to walking to destinations all over town in order to safely leave the house without having to interact much with people (2011-2013), followed by facing my social anxiety and visiting over 500 women (2013 to 2015). I also went back to college and earned an associate degree (2015-2019). During a break from college, I actually made "Walking with Wendi" cards and handed them out to friends and family to continue focusing on walking and talking. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 1994 and then I was diagnosed with MS in January 2013—so I believe walking has literally saved me, both physically and emotionally. 

Unfortunately, COVID-19 has gradually reduced my functionality, since I have been to very few places in the last seven months because of MS. Most of my friends are dealing with their own situations, so I lost most of my walking and talking time. And much of my anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive tendencies have gradually returned because of the isolation. I'm sure that is a common story for a lot of your clients. Our marriage therapist and my coach repeatedly asked me to go deep into those dark places and explore my thoughts and feelings—I ended up getting trapped in a self-hate, self-doubt, shame, and guilt storm. I'm gradually pulling myself out of it this week, but it has been a tough combination of circumstances. 

I'm an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I met my future husband as missionaries in the same mission. We were married in the temple in 1995, but he told me he is an atheist in August 2012 (that's the easiest way to describe it, although I don't believe in labels). That was difficult for me to understand, but I've been trying hard to figure out how to make our relationship work ever since because he is still one of the best people I know. Our adult daughter has a nine month old baby and she and her boyfriend live in our basement—I babysit him part-time while my daughter is finishing her degree. Our adult son also lives with us and has some emotional challenges (similar to mine) as well. They both attend UVU and are good people, but they also believe very differently than I do. So I have a lot of ongoing dissonance, but have tried hard to adapt as much as possible through the years.

* I emailed that summary yesterday afternoon to a therapist that I hope to begin meeting with in the future. 

• I sent this follow-up email this afternoon: 

So much has happened since I sent that original email from Psychology Today prior to General Conference beginning on Saturday morning! 

I asked to resume meeting with my life coach for the remaining four sessions that I had already paid for. I have written several lengthy thought downloads to her since Saturday morning (before General Conference). My thoughts have gradually become clearer during that process and I'm so relieved to finally be surfacing from this depression I've been wading through for the past few weeks. I asked if she would please just coach me from a place of Jesus Christ being at the center of the self-coaching model (Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results), since my thoughts and feelings sometimes aren't reliable when I'm dealing with mental illness challenges. 

We had a really helpful Zoom session yesterday. During that session, I received an invitation by text to be a guest on "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. I have been trying to write the book that people have been encouraging me to write about my journey over the past six years. I used this blog as an accountability tool for the first draft (July 5 - August 18, 2020). I feel that I was strongly prompted to begin writing again (prior to this, I have never been able to write more than a chapter) and felt the magnifying help from heaven during the process—but I also believe that it must have been during a hypomanic episode. 

A friend recommended that the host interview me and she reached out after looking at this blog. I gradually descended into this depression after working on the 2nd and 3rd drafts of the book (I decided to put the half-finished project away on September 13th). My mental health really declined because I became more and more sleep deprived, since I needed to wake up at 7am Monday-Thursday to watch my grandson. (My MS often keeps me up in the middle of the night and there was no opportunity to sleep in a little longer once the babysitting started on August 24th). I have taken Wellbutrin XL 300 mg and Lamictal 100 mg since I began walking back in 2011. My psychiatrist has told me before that bipolar swings are often preceded by sleep deprivation. 

 Anyway, I am trying to be very careful because I don't want to take on too much now that I'm feeling better again. So, I decided to take a couple of hours today to post my thoughts on this blog (I stopped posting on it after the first draft was completed) in preparation for the podcast interview on Wednesday morning. After that, I hope to set it aside and force myself to take a shower and move on to something less anxiety producing. 

Sabbath Success (August 30, 2020)

This is an updated section in a later version of my book. (I'm not going to keep trying to format it in double spacing because the HTML is too time consuming to fix when I transfer it from my word docs.)

Through coaching, I’m learning that stress doesn’t have to be a problem. I don’t have to let stress paralyze me and I definitely don’t have to fix the stress of other people. I can always choose to focus on faith instead. Two other helpful questions my coach has asked are, “What if you decided not to worry?” and “What if you decided to let God handle situations out of your control?” 

I emailed the following thoughts to my life coach on June 10, 2020, “I just need to feel that I'm enough right where I am. If I can do that, then the Savior can do his miraculous work of turning me into a better person than I have the ability to be on my own. Plus, Jody Moore is always saying the worst thing that can happen is a feeling. She often brings up the fact that we're all just humans and the human experience is hard. I do believe that everyone is usually doing the best they can with what they know—I need to remember that includes me. You have both talked about having compassion for myself and my human condition, just like I would have compassion on a friend who is struggling like I am.” 

I appreciated this reply from my coach, “The truth is whatever we are in this moment has to be enough because it’s just where we are. We know and God knows we will keep progressing, so it can just be enough in this moment . . . Until then, keep managing your expectations on where you think you should be with your growth. What if you are exactly where you need to be in this moment? This is where we trust God’s timing in what we need to hear, how we need to hear it, and when we hear it to change us.” 

My coach emailed the following counsel to me on July 24, 2020, “We just notice our patterns and stay in awareness. Writing out what is on your mind every day is a great way to keep looking at the thoughts jumping into your brain pool. We can also stay in awareness by noticing how we are feeling in certain situations—then trying to understand what thoughts were causing that emotion. We can then decide to feel something else or begin by just noticing the feeling and changing it over time.” 

I only ended up doing three “thought downloads” during August 2020 because I was finishing the first draft and part of the second draft of this book. 

I started to panic when I realized we only had six coaching sessions left. I wanted to postpone them because I still needed to work on the book revisions and I was disappointed in myself for not being more dedicated to making changes in my thinking in between sessions. She challenged me on my all or nothing thinking and explained that this was the perfect time to continue working with her. She then encouraged me again to start doing the daily thought downloads. I also postponed studying in the Come Follow Me program while I was writing this book—because I was looking up scriptures and conference talks during the whole process. I have missed it though. 

Today is August 30, 2020 and, since it was the Sabbath, I decided to do a thought download and then studied in Alma 31 (where I left off), instead of in Helaman (where the rest of the church is currently studying). I realized during my thought download that thinking I’m running out of time with coaching is coming from a scarcity mindset, rather than from abundance. I have also been battling with my harsh self-critic a lot lately. 

Verse 35 is part of Alma’s prayer, “Their souls are precious . . . therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.” I received some strong personal revelation when I read that and I wrote the following note to remind myself because it was not my natural way of thinking. “I am precious. God can give me power and wisdom to think and feel that truth.” 

Then I reread another verse I had been thinking about recently, “We will hide away our swords, yea, even we will bury them deep in the earth, that they may be kept bright, as a testimony that we have never used them” (Alma 24:16). I added a cross-reference link, along with this note, “Bury the sword of my rebellion against myself (in the form of shame, perfectionistic guilt, doubt, and fear)—as a testimony that I will no longer allow me to treat myself with harsh self-judgement. Don’t allow myself to think and feel in ways that disrespect what God has created.” 

The sacrament prayer was the final piece to this much needed personal revelation, “That they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember hm and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them” (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77). I ended the note this way, “As I remember Christ and have faith in Him, He will help me love myself more fully and apply His mercy to my thinking.” Wow. 

The truth is that I am trying, working, changing, and succeeding. However, life as a human is still messy—and that is okay. “Nothing has gone wrong,” as my coach frequently reminds me. My job is to not contribute to the mess by layering on negative emotion. Truth is truth, whether it is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I’m so grateful for powerful, life changing thoughts that will gradually become my own perspective with practice.

Worry Less and Laugh More

I always appreciate it when life coaches phrase ideas as questions. It feels more powerful to me.

My friend sent me this picture she took in Alaska.
They are plastic flamingos. :D

 

Title, Dedication, and Acknowledgements

I decided today on a possible title for the book I've been writing: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress 

and Other Perspective Shifts for the Recovering Perfectionist

I wrote this dedication: To John, who always sees my potential and worth, even when I don't. 

I also spent several hours writing the Acknowledgements: 

            This book is the product of my experiences with hundreds of people. My sincere gratitude goes to all who have influenced me along my journey. It would be impossible for me to create a complete list, but I will take this opportunity to thank many people by name. I’ve grouped them into different periods of my life. Several people fit in more than one area, but I’ve chosen the one that best fits the way they influenced me most.

            To John, who is the hardest working and most selfless person I know. Thank you for choosing to spend your life with me. To Heather and Lance, for giving me the opportunity to be a mother. Thanks for your patience as I’ve learned and grown right along with you. To Max, who has brightened my days with his smiles, giggles, squawks, and snuggles.

            To my parents, Arnie and Cherie, who taught me by example the value of stick-to-it-iveness and service to others. Thank you for serving missions at BYU-Hawaii and Historic Kirtland, so I could have an excuse to visit those places. To my siblings: Natalie (Randy), Randy (Laura), Rob (Eve), and Cory (Karissa). Thank you for letting me visit you and your children when you lived in other states. To my grandmas, Lena and Lucile, who treated me special and passed along the desire to stay connected to my relatives.  

            To my walking friends: Corinne Jenkins, Becky Allen, Diane Knight, Kelly Chalmers; Brenda Warren, Terri Rino, Shari Soelberg; Michelle Linford, Susannah Reyneke, Bonnie Walker, Suzanne Fry; Janell Wright, Melissa Dunaway, Heather Rindlisbacher. Thank you for letting me shake my head out over and over again…and loving me through it all.

            To friends who graciously welcomed me into their homes: Susan and Doug Morrison, Ann Barlow, Cheryl Taylor, Kathy Schlendorf, and Kristyne Stephens. Thank you for countless hours of visits over several years.

            To our close neighbors (and their families) in both areas of Orem: Holly Jacobs, Christa Ringer, Michelle Chamberlain, Stori Misbach, Susan Verbic, Janet Davis; Shelby Russell, Joyce Nixon, Nicole Perry, Candice Gordon, Nichelle Jensen, April Hurt. Thank you for your kindness and patience over two decades.

            To thoughtful people who have made a difference for me spiritually or emotionally as they have served and loved me. 

Canyon View stake: Jan Martin, Joleen Black, Ruth Ann Smith, Ginger Fisher, Eileen Booth, Rob Chalmers, Mosbarger family, Diane McNeill, Colette Terry, Katie Fox, Ann Youngquist; Liz Livingston, Leesa Simmons, Paula Harper, Jennifer Greenwood, Allyson Riding, Rosana Sorensen, Karina McDonald, Sheryl Pryor, Jessica Deucher; Marlae Rindlisbacher, Sandi Monson.

Orem 6^th ward: Brekke Felt, Angela Schill, Teri Walker, Jenny and Sarah Pachev, Katrina and Mike Johanson, Shersti and Jared Pearson, Tracy Smith, Brian Nixon, Joyce Henderson, Shane Frazier, Lois Park, Rebecca Armstrong, Debbie Wimpfheimer. 

Longmont, Colorado: Dave Kenison, Tom Reed, Gary Marison, Olivers, Mary Sue Russell. 

Tallahassee, Florida: Jackie Stone, Cathrie Long, Chris Kemp, Ann Cluff, Maureen Webb. Richard Chapple, Troy Mohrman, Ken (Hunter) Bergstrom, Laurie Tiedt. Thank you for caring.  

            To kind people who have helped me with temple work: Kathy and Alan Manwaring, Pam Petroff; Lisa Johnson and Bernotski family; Marti, Greg, and Jared Tuttle; Jenkins family and Ben Cragun, Dick and Mary Jackson, Julia and Ken Cluff, Linda and Marlan Platt, Lori Duke, Carolyn Davis, Catherine and Mike Kipp, Paul Christensen, Roger Minert, Helen and Brad Prescott; Noah and Tennyson Schill, Johanson girls, Cameron and Morgan Dopp, Renee Blumel, Jenna Wolfley and Richard Lindahl; various youth in the Canyon View Stake, and Orem 6th ward. Thank you for your selfless service.

            To good people who make my temple experience even better: Ken Kleven, Van Jaeger, Ron Bartalini, Sherry Cox, Kay Heath, Louisa Howard, Debra Elvin; Cheryl Esplin, President Freestone, President Stone, Brother Eliason, Gammons; Linda Olsen, Heather Bodine, Krista Tate, Pam Hansen, Patti Bell, Sherrie Johnson, Rebekah Westfall; Amy Christensen, Gay Bailey; Michelle Caringella, Renae Gale, Carolyn, LeeAnn, and all the others who have gone out of their way to help me in the baptistry. Thank you for brightening my days.

            To those who have cared about our children and helped them (or me) in different ways: Anne Miller, Sandee and Andres Sosa, Kate Plewe; Taralyn Sorensen, Gailan Smith, Debbie Carn; Tami Rasmussen, Meg Ernstrom, Deanne Allred, Andrea Allman; Carol Walker, Melissa Dabb. Thank you for making my job as a mom just a little bit easier over the years.

            To friends who helped me become even more clear about what I believe: Ruth Thompson; Christy Hurt, Dana Mecham, Aubree Patterson, Marcela Gubler; Tracey Hamilton, Chelsea Rasmussen. Thank you for helping me see things from different perspectives. To others who challenged me to learn how to love in ways I wasn’t used to yet: Pauline Colton, Alauna Hyland, Sue Burton, Victoria Myers, Clixie Larson, Renee Wakamatsu, Andrea and Phillip Cockrell, Marshall DeGroot. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned from our experiences together.

            To friends from my childhood, teenage, and young adult years (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): 

Tallahassee, Florida: Trista Whitley, Lori Clark, Marika Chapple; Danny Bishop, Tam Nguyen, Bill Roberts, Mike Poppell, Paul Kern, Joe Caceres; Petrea Schrader, Joel Bowers, Ben Fort; Sharon Flagg, Felicia Cooke; Cheri Wright, Kacey Lewis.

Longmont, Colorado: Kristina Marzano; Karna Reed, Janae Wheeler, Karen Farnsworth; Dave Cragun, Brent Patterson, Darin Moss; Mark Wheeler, Geoff Smith. 

Orem, Utah: Angie Millet; Lisa Lawson, Becca Collyer, Jenny Clawson, Ange Walker, Jodi Sorensen; Pam Hawkes, Becky Kirby, Rob Trent, Brenda Lopez, Kim Latimer, Vaughn Porter, Poché siblings. Thank you for helping me in your unique way to become who I am today.

            To missionaries and others who were influential during my experience as a full-time missionary (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): TyRee Jenks, Val Roden; Cheryl Bevan, JoAnn Stock, Jeanine Bird, Carla Peterson, Rebecca Benson; Liz Baumgarten, Lalena Page, Kathy Perkins; Wheeler family, Griffin family, Dalls, Whitts, Wanda Nielsen, Terrys; Pam Curran, Aja Werkheiser, Aurora Moon; Sisters Ha, Lopez, Farrier, and Gee; Neal Larson, Justin Rasmussen, Dick and Diane Morley. Thank you for your patience, love, and examples.

            To life coaches, therapists, co-workers, and teachers I’ve worked with: Kendra Huffman, Heather Frazier, Jody Moore, Brooke Castillo, Tracy Hoth; Megan Rogers, Julie Malloy; David Paulson, Jon Skidmore; Brad Edgington, Ryan Balagna, Mitch Suyama, Heather Hoyal, Vickie Anderson; Mark Hull, Sherry Smith, Pam Christensen, Lexi Sanders, Adam Whitehead; Wanda Black, Dave Rollins, Carol Lorek, Jane Rose, and Mrs. Landreth. Thank you for all the lessons I learned during our time together.

            To the teachers, students, and secretaries at the Utah Valley University Institute of Religion: Karen Hepworth, Polly Tullis, Cassidy Hubert, David Durfey, Chelsea Chipman, Emily Mitchell, Eric Shields, Cody Orvis, Kurtis McBeth, Tyler Bartholomew, Cedi Christensen, Maren, Daniel Bradley, Todd Murdock, Valerie Christensen. Thank you for strengthening my testimony, helping with temple work, and being such an uplifting influence in my life.

            To the professors, students, and others who helped with projects during my time at Utah Valley University: Bonnie Davis, Ken White, Chris Lee, Carolyn Hamilton, Bart Poulson, Kaitlyn Pacada, Brian Birch, Karin Anderson, Lisa Johnson; Paige Seegmiller, Malorie Ward, Kimmie Henderson; Tera Johnson, Jessica Hettinger, Kassidy Nielson; Alex Boone; Ronelle Warren, Shawna Schauers, Stephanie Wright; Cynthia Tavera and Lihua Lin. Thank you for helping me succeed in my classes, so that I could achieve my goal of earning an associate degree.

            To other influential people in my life who don’t fit easily into any of the paragraphs above: Bob and Shauna Millet, Leslie Williams, Margaret Hammond, Marina Spence, Kenzie Weeks, Bradstreet family, Lisa Nerdin, Kendra Terry Senn, Kelly Christensen, Cecily Smith, Guin and Max Deaver, Becky Swasey, and Erica Larsen. Thank you for your unique way of blessing my life. In addition, I wish to thank these musicians and authors: Hilary Weeks, Shawna Edwards, Kenneth Cope; Emily Belle Freeman, David Butler, Brad Wilcox, Steven Harper, Mary Ellen Edmunds, and Sheri Dew. Thank you for your uplifting influence on me and so many others throughout the world.

            Most of all, to Heavenly Father for orchestrating potential blessings behind the scenes and for answering my prayers; to Jesus Christ for the gifts of repentance, forgiveness, and grace that flow freely from His atoning sacrifice; and to the Holy Ghost who testifies of Them and fills my soul with peace. Everything I write about in this book was influenced in some way by Them. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel, but I’ve done my best to express it in a variety of ways in the following pages.

Chapter 22: The Importance of Authenticity

* I'm not quite finished with this chapter, but I wanted to post what I wrote so far. (I woke up at 3am and finished writing this chapter at 6am. I may or may not include "The Color Code" paragraphs in this part of the book. I may include those in an appendix at the end or I may just leave them on this blog for future reference. Either way, it was a very helpful review for me.)

            People about my age usually remember doing the personality profile test on pages 7-12 of The Color Code: A New Way To See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life written by Dr. Taylor Hartman that was published in 1987. I've taken the test several times in my life and I always come up with the same combination. I'm dominantly blue. "Blues are motivated by altruism... crave intimacy... need to be loved... and are directed by a strong moral conscience" (20-21). In the personality overview chart, the "motive" for blue personalities is "intimacy." The "needs" of blue personalities are "to be good (morally), to be understood, to be appreciated" and "acceptance" overall. The "wants" of blue personalities are "to reveal insecurities, to please others, autonomy," and "security" (21-22). The title of chapter five is "Blues: Do-Gooders." In that chapter, the subtitles explain the attributes of blue personalities. They are "emotional and admired... committed and loyal... perfectionist... high expectations and demanding... self-disciplined and stable... self-sacrificing and nurturing... unforgiving and resentful... worry and guilt... appropriate and sincere... purposeful and dedicated... moody and complex... self-righteous and insecure" (40-49). 

             "Blue strengths as an individual" are: "sees life as a serious endeavor, appreciates beauty and detail, has a strong aesthetic sense, stable and dependable (plow horse versus race horse), sincere and emotionally deep, analytical oriented (concerned with why one behaves as he/she does), high achiever, and deep sense of purpose" (49). "Blue strengths as a communicator" are: "able to enjoy sensitive and deep conversation, strong skills in empathizing with others, remembers feelings and thoughts shared in conversation, willing to give conversations time to run their course, and prefers small groups" (49). "Blue strengths as a goal setter" are: "highly disciplined, receptive to other's suggestions, strong goal orientation, plans well and superb follow through" (49)... "Blue strengths as a parent" include: "very observant, empathetic and sensitive...keeps home clean and cozy, and seeks to understand children's behavior" (50).... "Blue strengths as a friend" are: "loyal forever once friendship is established, genuine concern for other person's well-being, remembers special holidays... encouraging in times of trouble, and willing to commit time to the relationship" (50).... "Careers most likely to attract blues" include: homemaker, psychotherapist... and banker" (51), which is interesting because I am a homemaker, I wanted to grow up and be a therapist, and I worked as a bank teller for 18 months before and after my full-time proselyting mission. 

            "Blue limitations as an individual" are: "highly emotional, smug and self-righteous, controlling and/or envious of other's success when too easily obtained, strong perfection and performance orientation, and self-abusive (verbally)" (51). "Blue limitations as a communicator" are: "tends to lecture and overkill issues, feels intense on many issues, rigid with principles and unwilling to negotiate... argues primarily from emotional perspective, strong expectations for others to be sensitive and deep, and expects others to read his or her mind and know his or her feelings" (51). "Blue limitations as a goal setter" are: "sets unrealistic goals, easily discouraged when unsuccessful in accomplishments... and expects others to understand his or her goals and make them a priority" (51-52). I apply "blue limitations as a career person" to my behavior in school and as a homemaker. They include: "...feels inadequate with natural talents and creativity, shys away from public exposure and performance, establishes high and often unrealistic expectations for self and others, tend to over-plan and over-prepare, critical of self and other's work, and over-extends self" (52). "Blue limitations as a parent" include: "...can be moody and unpredictable, easily irritated by other's mistakes and shortcomings, usually loves others with strings attached, tends to give heavy doses of guilt to children, lacks ability to relax, requires a purpose in order to play, controlling of children's lifestyle and overprotective, too precise and exact with expectations, feels a clean home is a priority, accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily, not spontaneous with activities, frustrates children with unrealistic expectations, strong sense of right and wrong - badgers child when perceived as wrong, and lectures children" (52). I have improved in some of those areas, but I feel some regret over other areas. "Blue limitations as a child" are: "easily frustrated, feels guilty over minor concerns, moody and emotional (cries instead of facing issues), feels are easily hurt, martyr-like and complains about life, self-esteem is dependent on outside influences, has difficulty relaxing and often feels uncomfortable, withholds affection if angered, and waits for parents to initiate ideas and then criticizes unacceptable suggestions. (52-53). "Blue limitations as a friend" are "highly insecure about other's acceptance and approval, feels rejected easily, when depressed or depressive - feels it is friend's job to understand, can be... bitter if crossed and scarred emotionally, critical of friend's principles or activities if not similar, expects friends to maintain strong loyalty, wishes friends would communicate more often, and rarely playful and spontaneous" (53).  

            "How to develop a positive connection with blues" has a list of "do" and "don't." The "do" list includes: " emphasize their security in the relationship, be sensitive and soft spoken in your approach, be sincere and genuine, behave appropriately and well-mannered" (ha ha), "limit their risk level, promote their creativity, appreciate them... and be loyal" (53-54). The "don't" list includes: "make them feel guilty, be rude or abrupt, promote too much change, expect spontaneity, abandon them, expect them to bounce back easily or quickly from depression, demand perfection (they already expect too much from themselves), push them too quickly into making decisions, expect them to forgive quickly when crossed, and demand immediate action" (54). 

            The title for chapter eight is "Character: How To Become Your Best Color." The author explains, "Individuals develop character strengths and limitations just as they have innate personality strengths and limitations.... Though we may not be born with a particular character trait, we do appear to be more receptive and/or vulnerable to certain strengths and limitations based on our given personality color" (89). "The seven most common character strengths of...blue" are: "loyalty to people, committed, quality, sincere, honest, focused, and moral conscience" (90). "Seven most common character limitations of...blue" are: self-righteous, judgmental, easily depressed, controlling, unforgiving, suspicious, and illogical" (90). "The following list delineates common and specific ways each personality binds the character development of others.... Blues tend to take things too personally (which often causes others to lie in order to protect the insecure and overly sensitive Blue. Blues often have too many unrealistic expectations (which makes others feel inadequate, unnecessary, and unloved). Blues typically role model lack of self-esteem by placing themselves last on their list of priorities. Blues often are too critical of others who choose to live life with a more relaxed or aggressive style (which causes others to feel unable to ever please them). Blues tend to be too demanding of other's 'inappropriate manners' (which causes others to rebel and develop a dislike for manners altogether)" (95).  Wow. However, the author concludes, "The character building process requires us to (1) identify healthy life principles, (2) accept them into our lives, (3) commit to consistently living them, and (4) share them with others. Life principles will benefit all colors in their own development as well as the relationships they encounter with other colors" (97).  

             I will close this exercise in extreme vulnerability by sharing the "Key Life Principles.... Life Principle 1: Personal truths must be identified, pursued and blended with Universal Truths in order for us to have a balanced lifestyle. Life Principle 2: Charactered people take responsibility for their own attitudes and behaviors. Life Principle 3: We must stretch and risk personal discomfort in order to make unnatural attitudes and behaviors become natural. Life Principle 4: Charactered people actively love themselves and others. Life Principle 5: Our strengths must be shared with others in order to fully benefit us. Life Principle 6: Everything has its price. Charactered people choose wisely and pay their debts. Life Principle 7: Trust is imperative to the positive human experience. We are all interdependent on others in varying degrees of dependence and independence" (97).   

***

            We decided to move in summer 2016 because my MS symptoms made the stairs in our previous home much more difficult to manage. We looked at several different homes along the Wasatch Front, but finally decided to just build a home across town. I started attending the ward we would be going to for a few Sundays while we were finalizing our decision. I wrote down the phone numbers of several of the women that I met on those Sundays. Because I was still continuing to visit people, I asked several of them if they would be interested in a visit. Only two ended up allowing me to visit them. One of those women became a dear friend over the years that followed.

            I was called to be the secretary in a new Relief Society presidency in June 2017, three months after we moved into our newly built home. This woman was called to be the first counselor and I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know her better in this way. There ended up being unexpected complications and challenges in my life, so I needed to be released from that calling a couple months later. This woman asked if we could go on a walk shortly after that release occurred. I felt that I could trust her, so I allowed myself to unload all the conflicted feelings I had over the circumstances I was dealing with. She listened empathetically and I was so grateful for her kindness and obvious concern for me as a person. A little while later, she asked to be my ministering sister. I didn’t want obligatory service from anyone, but I trusted this friend completely and knew she would be sincere and authentic.

            We began walking together once or twice each month and I really enjoyed our talks. She invited me over a couple of times to study Come Follow Me together. There were also a few times when I went over to talk or cry because I felt like there was nowhere else I could turn at that moment. She had surgeries during the last two years and she allowed me to serve her by taking her or picking her up from physical therapy appointments. One time, she fell on some ice near our homes and she called me to come pick up her and her dog. I was grateful that I was available and that she thought of me as someone who could come to her rescue. During the last two years, she has been through a terrible ongoing tragic situation. At first, she didn’t feel comfortable telling me what had happened, so I just tried to support her without knowing exactly what she needed. This taught me how to “hold space” for someone, which I never understood how to do before. She has also showed me by example how to listen carefully, ask sincere questions, validate feelings, and love unconditionally.

            In fall 2017, she taught an online course and I decided to take it from her. It was called Unshakable. During this eight-week class, I created a statement that described me in conjunction with an assignment. I decided that “I am a loyal, reliable, nurturing, situation-improving, people supporter.” This friend also encouraged me to take the Gallup Strengths Finder test. I learned that I lead with my strengths of Connectedness, Empathy, Developer, Maximizer, and Woo (winning others over). That last one makes me laugh. Here are some details from the official summary:

 

1.      Connectedness: “(I) have faith in the links between all things. (I) believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.”

2.      Empathy: “(I) can sense the feelings of other people by imagining (myself) in others’ lives or others' situations. ”

3.      Developer: “(I) recognize and cultivate the potential in others. (I) spot signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.”

4.      Woo (Winning Others Over): “(I) love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. (I) derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.”

5.      Maximizer: “(I) focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. (I) seek to transform something strong into something superb.”

 

I see Maximizer showing up in my visiting journey and my temple/family history work. As part of her class, I also created a list of qualities that I hope to develop by believing that I already am: peaceful, confident, certain, and flexible. 

            I’m very grateful for this friend and she has influenced my life for good in so many ways. She has experienced tragic loss, has suffered through physical pain, is a cancer survivor, and has other huge struggles in her life. Yet, she is a light in my life and the lives of many others. Her smile lights up a room and she has brightened so many of my difficult days. During the beginning of our friendship, we didn’t have as much in common. However, her latest struggle has given us a difficult circumstance in common, although we each deal with a different aspect of the similar difficulty. When I think of authenticity, I think of her. She is confident in her strengths, she advocates for herself, sets boundaries when she needs to, loves with all her heart, and is perfectly imperfect. My life is so much better because she is in it. I believe her friendship was one of the reasons we moved here, so I consider it a divine intersection.

***

            My sister is six school years younger than I am. She is my only sister and we have three younger brothers. Her husband flies Apache helicopters for the Army, so they have been stationed in Alabama, Germany, and North Carolina over the past eleven years. They have just recently moved to Colorado and I am so grateful that she is now just a nine-hour drive away. She married her husband in the temple and now he doesn’t believe in God. This is similar to the situation with my husband. We have both chosen to stay in our marriages and have been a support to each other through the especially difficult times. We also have children who are choosing lifestyles that we didn’t hope for or plan on. These situations with our families have been extremely sad for us and we have talked about them for hours on the phone. When she visits Utah, we walk her dogs together and talking in person is even more healing for both of us.

            I discovered life coaching in 2018. I listen to podcasts and webinars from three coaches trained at The Life Coach School. A complimentary call with another one helped me finally start writing this book. However, I found my own personal coach in a roundabout way through my sister. I clicked on an Instagram advertisement to receive a “Guide for a More Peaceful Marriage when you spouse has left the LDS church” on May 31, 2018. I forwarded the guide and two follow-up emails to my sister and then unsubscribed from further emails because I felt the need to focus on the two original coaches I discovered. My sister must have signed up to receive the weekly emails from this coach because she forwarded three to me at the end of May and beginning of June 2019. I asked her to stop sending them to me because our unmarried daughter had just announced her pregnancy earlier in May on Mother’s day and I was trying to simplify my social media and inbox as much as possible so I had more emotional energy to deal with my feelings about her unexpected circumstance. However, I appreciated how much my sister cared about me and understood why she sent them. The timing just wasn’t right.

            Fast forward to the COVID-19 pandemic. Early in April 2020, I was struggling with the transitions we were all going through. One night, I couldn’t sleep so I started looking through some old emails I had filed. I “just happened” to come across these life coaching emails we forwarded to each other during the previous two years. I felt strongly prompted to click on the button for a complimentary call from the email sent in 2018. That call happened on April 14, 2020 and it was the right fit. I paid $2,000 to work with her for six months – one Zoom session each week for 24 weeks. The even more miraculous part about this is that my coach doesn’t even market to women in mixed-faith marriages anymore. She now advertises to the parents of teenagers and her website supports that target audience. There would have been no way for me to find her had I not saved those emails from the previous two years. We have met together 14 times with an additional phone call so far. She has helped me change my thinking around many of the circumstances in my life. However, I still have a long way to go. The other tender mercy is that she is also a recovering perfectionist that is just a little farther down the road than I am. She understands me in ways that I don’t even understand myself yet. I can see clearly how God has worked behind the scenes and has orchestrated our divine intersection at precisely the time it was needed most.

            Both my sister and my life coach are also very authentic. They don’t seem to worry as much about their appearance, they don’t take themselves too seriously, and they own everything about themselves – flaws and all. I want to be more like them. Actually, I want to be that comfortable in my own skin. I want to own everything about myself – flaws and all. I have come a long way and I still have much more to learn and practice. The model we use in coaching is: Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results. Circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. What we make a circumstance mean is the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us. If the thought isn't serving us and helping us show up as the person we want to be, then we can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought. This is easier said, than done. However, it is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of practice. We may sometimes feel that an unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers are strong feelings that come from our thoughts about circumstances (the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that can help us understand our thinking better. We can learn to feel and release negative emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to be through the help of our Savior.

            I have learned a lot from the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will repeat my summary of some of her findings. Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. It is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism and become more authentic. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            I used several additional quotes from Brené in my final research paper on easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. In that same book, she defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

            She also explained it this way, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Prior to that she explained an aspect of perfectionism that described my life uncomfortably well. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist (because) your self-worth is on the line”(56). She concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57). I long for the comfort that last sentence would provide in my life.

            Prior to a presentation I was asked to give in August 2015 about reaching out to others in love, I read two quotes on Instagram that resonated with me. A woman named Brooke shared this on the churchofjesuschrist Instagram page. “Sometimes all you need in order to achieve something, go for your dream, or believe in yourself is just someone to say: ‘Yes.’ ‘It’s good.’ ‘I like it.’ ‘Go for it!’ ‘I believe in you.’ People who encourage, support, and help something amazing happen by just being there, just being themselves. We need more people like that in the world. They are not enablers. They are not radical and simply telling you what you want to hear. They are honest. They are genuine. They have no other motives than to be a truly decent human being and to let their decency reflect onto someone else, to let someone be affected in a good way.” A woman named Elle shared this insight on the same page. “…  Comparison is the thief of happiness. I have found it so important to keep working on seeing my own divine worth and learning to love myself. I can be happy for the success of others and see that we all have our strengths and weaknesses on our path to eternal life.”

            My challenge to all of us, especially myself, is to not be afraid of being real and authentic. I truly believe that genuinely being ourselves – owning everything about us, including our flaws, will automatically help others to feel more comfortable being real also. It’s easy to spot people who are being disingenuous and I am always drawn to people who are comfortable just being themselves. I want to always remember the importance of authenticity.