Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning

* I didn't feel well today, so I rested. However, I do still want to write something. I'm going to list the college classes I may want to write about in this chapter. (I returned the next day, August 4th, to write several paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. I also added two pictures on August 15th and finished writing this chapter in a separate post that day.)

           Prior to beginning my official classes at Utah Valley University in fall 2015, I took an eight week class during the summer for adults making some kind of transition in their lives. This Successful Life Management class was offered through Turning Point and was held on UVU’s west campus. It was held twice each week and provided good practice for me to become accustomed to driving there and being on a school schedule again. At first, I chose the morning class, but ended up not feeling well one of the mornings. This program required that the class be made up that evening or you had to wait until the next set of classes to complete the program. So I attended the class that evening and it was clear almost immediately that this class was the one I needed to continue attending. The curriculum validated many of the changes I had already made up to that point. Since I was still continuing my visiting journey, it also gave me the opportunity to get to know more people. I made a point to talk with the students before and after class and became friends with two of the women. Sometimes, I talked with the teacher after class as well and felt a strong connection to her.

            This class required our attendance, but didn’t have homework or tests. However, we were each expected to make a poster that described us, which we would present during the final class. We needed to search magazines for pictures or words to use for this assignment, since we couldn’t write anything on it. A friend in our ward gave me a gift subscription to Country magazine earlier that year and it provided a variety of beautiful pictures to choose from. I decided to use the four seasons as a theme for my poster and focused on favorite activities or things I enjoyed about each season. Spring included pictures of purple wildflowers, daisies, daffodils, and rainbows. It also included  several phrases I pieced together: “Here comes the sun,” “you can change your life with every step,” “I’m always amazed by the beauty God made for us,” and “hope after the storm.” Summer included pictures of water flowing over rocks in a river, lighthouses near beaches, and sunsets, along with the phrase “walking on sunshine.” Autumn included pictures of leaves changing colors, blue sky over mountains, and the view of a full moon looking through Delicate Arch, since most of our family vacations have included Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. Winter included a picture of a little boy and girl holding hands while they walked through the snow, which represented our two children. I also included the phrase “walking in a wonderland” and a quote: “strong is the tree that bends with the wind then bounces back again.” That quote reminds me of the importance of flexibility and resilience, which are two character traits I’m constantly trying to develop. I was really happy about the way the poster turned out and John suggested that I frame it. So I stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way home from that last class, splurged, and had it framed in a large black frame with a medium blue matte. I hung it on the wall in our bedroom of the previous house and in my office of the new house. It is like a picture window looking outward to my dreams and a constant reminder of who I have become.

            When I began to take actual college classes, I realized that I needed to limit myself to six or nine credits each semester, so that I could save part of my energy for my family and visiting. It would take longer to earn a degree, but it would allow me to keep some balance in my life over the coming months and years. The goal to return to college and earn a degree is among the most difficult challenges I’ve faced and it stretched me beyond what I thought I could endure a few times. Even though I still had many stressful moments, I continued to apply the coping skills I learned over the previous years of challenging myself physically, emotionally, and socially. Another important element of my success was to attend every class (with very few exceptions) and not postpone doing homework or studying for tests. When I attended college for those two semesters as a young adult, I was overcome with anxiety and depression. However, some of that could have been avoided by steadier attendance and less procrastination. Because I allowed myself to take classes at my own speed, I enjoyed the process of learning overall, and ended up earning an associate degree with high honors – which means I earned all As (with one A- in Statistics, which was a true miracle!). I will share a few specific experiences in the paragraphs that follow.

            During my first semester in Fall 2015, I took Marriage and Relationship Skills and General Psychology on campus. In addition, I chose to take Foundations of Human Nutrition online (because I was terrified of taking college Biology and this class was a prerequisite to Nutrition 2020, which would mercifully fulfill my biology requirement). It’s not a coincidence that I took Marriage and Relationship Skills my first semester at UVU. The teacher was an adjunct professor and also an academic advisor in the Behavioral Science department. She had been through a divorce and was currently in her second marriage with several significant challenges. I was surprised at how open she was about sharing her experiences, but it created an atmosphere that felt safe for sharing our own challenging experiences. Since I was one of the only married people in that class, I ended up commenting a lot. I was open about the struggles I had over our differences in religious beliefs and used my situation as the subject of several of my papers. One of the books we studied was the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. An important lesson I learned from that book was to focus on solving the “solvable problems” (chapter 9) and “overcoming gridlock” with “perpetual problems” (chapter 11). Our differences in belief is considered a “perpetual problem.” One way to “overcome gridlock” is to “create shared meaning” (chapter 12). I realized I could do that by understanding the “shared goals” within my dream. My dream was to eventually have my family in the temple with me, but a strong component of that dream is the desire to have a happy, healthy family. So that became the important shared goal I could focus on, rather than constantly seeing the differences.

            As the semester progressed, I continued to feel strongly that I needed to connect with the teacher outside of class. There is a built-in familiarity barrier in the student/teacher relationship, but I really wanted to move past that. It helped that we were closer in age and we had several conversations after class that gradually overcame that barrier. We discovered we had some things in common and she convinced me to switch the emphasis of my Behavioral Science major from psychology to family studies. That way, she became my academic advisor for future semesters and we gradually became friends. I occasionally stopped by her office during each semester after that to discuss some of the struggles we had in common. I will always be grateful that I met her when I did because it was a key to my overall success in college.

            During this time, I also kept in touch occasionally by email with my teacher from Turning Point. I continued to ask if I could visit her one time as part of my ongoing journey. She finally agreed and met me at Kneaders one day in mid-November. She asked more about my faith journey at the beginning of our lunch and then I realized she had her own agenda for our visit. She had recently written a long paper with her husband about some controversy in the early days of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She wasn’t trying to argue with doctrine, she just felt that there was more spirituality to be found than the church was currently providing. She determined that I was inspired to ask for a visit with her so she could share that paper with me. I took it home and began to read it. Unfortunately, the combination of John’s unbelief and the different ideas I read in that paper caused me to have my own faith crisis. I talked over my concerns with two of my close friends several times and finally worked through them with their help. My Marriage and Relationship Skills teacher was a strong, supportive influence as well, although I didn’t share the details with her. My previous teacher continued to keep in touch with me by email and regretted giving the paper to me when she saw how it affected me. She asked me not to pass it along to anyone else, so I ripped it up and tried to move on. We have continued to be friends through email as well and I believe there was purpose in that struggle. I came out on the other end much stronger and more grounded in what I actually believe. That has served me well ever since.

            I became eligible for a scholarship from the Women’s Success Center at UVU because I took the class from Turning Point during the summer. I made the leap of faith, spent some time working on the essay, and applied for the scholarship. I later met with several people one day in an interview. They asked why I felt I deserved the scholarship, so I share my story of overcoming depression and anxiety through my visiting journey. They were visibly impressed and I earned a scholarship for the Spring 2016 semester. I still had some accommodations because of MS and my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, although both were currently controlled well with medicine. My previous teacher/current academic advisor helped me apply for an exception, so that I didn’t have to take the required 12 credit hours for the scholarship. The appeal was accepted and I was awarded the adjusted amount of $1,000 just after the semester began. I was grateful for that assistance, especially since John needed to pay tuition for both me and our daughter.

            During the Spring 2016 semester I took Introduction to Sociology and Introduction to Western Religions. I continued my pattern of talking with both teachers after class and learned a lot from them – both in and out of class. Two papers were required for my Western Religions class, but I asked the teacher if I could combine them into one large paper. He agreed and I wrote the paper on C.S. Lewis and The Chronicles of Narnia. I focused on the religious aspects of the author and the books in the series. I was fascinated with what I learned from my research and, although writing a research paper was an extremely stressful experience for me, I was proud of the final result. The teacher was so impressed that he gave a copy to his dad to read and I earned 100% on it. That made all the stress and effort feel worth it. In addition, the one class I wasn’t able to transfer from BYU was humanities. Therefore, I still needed to fulfill my humanities requirement, which is one of the only reasons I took this class. Plus, the poor grade I received the first time around didn’t transfer to pull down my cumulative GPA. (So, literally nothing was wasted from my previous college experiences.)  

            My Sociology teacher was an adjunct professor who attended the Lutheran church and she had been married for about 40 years to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So we spent a lot of time discussing religion and also life, in general. I walked her out to her car after class on most days, since she didn’t teach another class after ours and we continued our conversation while she smoked a couple of cigarettes before heading home. Among other things, talking with her helped me solidify my understanding of grace and I focused more on Christ’s grace in my life after that. One of the assignments for Sociology class was to attend another church and write a short paper about it. I chose to attend a Lutheran church close to our home on Palm Sunday and John came with me. It was a good experience and fit well with my Western Religions class also. I will always be grateful for the way both of those classes influenced my life for good.

Chapter 15: Compensatory Blessings

* I spent most of today adding content to two previous posts. My brain hurts, so I'm going to post these quotes now and revisit them at a later time. (I added two more quotes and several paragraphs of content on July 22, 2020.)

           Looking back on the past several years, I can see clearly that the Lord has arranged at least three unofficial missions for my life. The “visiting” mission began in September 2013 and lasted until August 2015. (I returned to college at that point, but still continued visiting on more of a part-time basis.) The “family history and temple work” mission began in February 2018 and ended in March 2020 with the COVID-19 pandemic. (I have continued to work on some family history, but far less than I had previously.) The “grandma” mission began in January 2020 with the birth of our first grandson and I imagine that will continue to be my focus for many years, to one degree or another. I discuss each mission in more detail throughout the book. The point I want to make here is that they have definitely been compensatory blessings for me in several ways.

            First, because I struggled so deeply with anxiety and depression for most of my official proselyting mission from 1993-1994, I had many regrets about not being able to serve more fully. I carried those regrets with me off and on for twenty years. When I started visiting, I was able to use all the skills I learned on my original mission – approaching people before and after meetings at church, knocking on doors, calling people, making appointments, and being flexible when people cancelled or needed to reschedule. I floundered a lot and the visits weren’t always optimal, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it had I not served my original full-time mission. So, it renewed my confidence and helped me feel like I made restitution for any missed opportunities or wasted time (even though that wasn’t necessary). In addition, unless the Lord dramatically changes things, I don't think I will be able to serve a mission with my husband in our retired years, as I thought we might. These unofficial missions have given me the opportunity to serve in different ways as a more mature adult. 

             Richard G. Scott explained, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.” He then gave this valuable counsel, “Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. To the sightless or hearing impaired, He sharpens the other senses. To the ill, He gives patience, understanding, and increased appreciation for others' kindness.... You will discover compensatory blessings when you willingly accept the will of the Lord and exercise faith in Him” (“Finding Joy in Life,” Ensign, May 1996, pp. 24-26). 

            Second, I very much wanted to be completely healed from depression, anxiety, and Multiple Sclerosis. Even more than those healing blessings, I begged and pleaded for the Lord to give my husband (and then my children) the faith and spiritual experiences they hoped and prayed for, but could never experience on their own. I haven't receive those blessings yet. However, I wouldn’t have felt the need to begin visiting if my heart weren’t already broken and humbled over that combined set of circumstances. Then, through my visiting journey, the Lord gradually healed my broken heart and helped build greater confidence within me. He also strengthened my capacity to serve and follow promptings in ways I didn’t think were possible before. In addition, I learned how to cope in more long-term and fulfilling ways with my anxiety and depression. Perhaps, the most unexpected compensatory blessing of all were the treasured friends he helped me find along the way.

            David A. Bednar spoke about the blessings of paying a full tithe. I believe these compensatory blessings can be applied to life in general, as well. He explained, "Some of the diverse blessings we obtain as we are obedient… are significant but subtle. Such blessings can be discerned only if we are both spiritually attentive and observant (see 1 Corinthians 2:14)…. Spiritual illumination and perspective are poured out through the windows of heaven and into our lives…. Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience” (“Windows of Heaven,” Ensign, November 2013).

            Third, temple and family history work became a huge compensatory blessing for me. One of the last lines of my patriarchal blessing says, “As you help to gather genealogy, you … will be a great blessing to those who have passed on beyond the veil. When you leave this earth there will be a great reunion with your ancestors who will be glad to receive you because of your work in their behalf.” I used to think that was absolutely impossible for me. Yet, the Lord helped me to have more success than I ever imagined possible. As I spent those hours, days, weeks, months, and years immersed in that sacred work, I became much more settled and at peace about my family and their different beliefs on this side of the veil. As I listened to those words over and over again during the temple ordinances, my love only grew for my family here and my ancestors who have already finished their life on earth. That love and peace were unexpected and very welcome blessings.

            Sheri Dew discussed compensatory blessings in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Then, as I sat in the last endowment session I’ll likely attend for a while, I felt a familiar sensation gnawing at me. It took just seconds to identify what it was. Mourning. I was starting to mourn the fact that life as I’ve known it — weekly time in the temple, sacrament and other meetings that allow me to renew my covenants and enjoy the camaraderie of my ward family — is changing, at least for a period of time…. Nothing happening in the world today is catching the Lord off-guard. Satan hasn’t pulled a fast one on Him. Circumstances that led to the inception and spreading of the coronavirus were all foreseen by Him who sees all. That is clear, because our leaders have been getting us ready for this very hour…. The fruits of revelation are often more easily seen in hindsight. It is no surprise to those who believe in prophets that more than a year ago…  prophets, seers and revelators, introduced a home-centered, Church-supported curriculum and admonished us to be more intentional about studying and teaching the gospel in our homes. It is no surprise that two years ago they introduced ministering and asked us to learn to care for each other in a higher, holier way.... During this unusual season when the way we worship and serve the Lord has been modified, let’s make sure we see the ways the Lord is blessing us. Let’s be sure we identify the compensatory blessings and power He has for those who seek them…. In a time of darkness, the ministering power of the Light of the World will be even easier to see. How beautiful it will be if, as a global Church family, we don’t just endure this particular challenge but we seek the hand of the Lord in our lives and then share our witness of His mercy, power and peace” (“How have you seen ‘compensatory blessings’ during the coronavirus outbreak?,” Church News, 15 March 2020). 

            Fourth, our grandson was born just two months before the temples and chapels closed their doors. Because he and his parents live in our basement, we’ve been able to spend every day of his life with him. Social distancing during the pandemic would have made that very unlikely if they didn’t live with us. When our daughter first announced her pregnancy, I never dreamed that her little baby would be the biggest compensatory blessing of all during this time. An unexpected blessing occurred after his delivery also. Our daughter endured a 50-hour labor and he still needed to be delivered by c-section. Because of that, our daughter wasn’t able to immediately return to her college classes as she had planned. So we ended up being able to spend eight magical months together, loving this sweet little angel that was sent to our home. In addition, we have considered me high risk because MS and its treatment both compromise the immune system. I have literally only been inside buildings (other than our home) eight times during the three initial months of the pandemic. I drove places on my own only three times during those months and wasn’t able to walk with friends very often because they were home with their families as well. This unexpected time with our grandson and daughter has been priceless and so appreciated.

            Neil L. Andersen emphasized, “As evil increases in the world, there is a compensatory spiritual power for the righteous. As the world slides from its spiritual moorings, the Lord prepares the way for those who seek Him, offering them greater assurance, greater confirmation, and greater confidence in the spiritual direction they are traveling. The gift of the Holy Ghost becomes a brighter light in the emerging twilight…. there is a compensatory power, an additional spiritual endowment, a revelatory gift for the righteous” (“A Compensatory SpiritualPower for the Righteous,” BYU Speeches, 18 August 2015).

            I testify that this is true. These “missions” didn’t seem possible to me when I was prompted to embark on them. However, I have been given obvious guidance and assurances all along the way. I will be forever grateful for the gift of personal revelation that has blessed me during every step of this journey.

Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”  

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly. 

Part 1: Finding Balance

            Life often feels like a roller coaster with its slow climbs and fast drops. We dread Mondays and can’t wait until Fridays. Summer feels too hot and winter feels too cold. Road construction seems to be ongoing with the accompanying bumps and detours and unexpected waits.
            Being human is also unpredictable. We “get up on the wrong side of the bed” and everything seems to go wrong for no obvious reason. Or we have a “bad hair day,” which is not only a bad day, but one that is characterized by our hair being particularly unmanageable. There is also an “ebb and flow” in our relationships and just when we figure out a new way of approaching them, the dynamic changes again.
            Sometimes when life feels especially difficult, it’s as if a rug has been unexpectedly pulled out from under us. We flail our arms so we don’t completely lose our balance, but occasionally we do fall down on our back side. This momentarily knocks the wind out of us and causes us to look around and wonder how or why it happened. Or maybe we’re experiencing a type of storm in our lives with rain pouring down and the wind threatening to blow us over. During those difficult times, it may feel as if the ocean waves crash over us faster than we can prepare for or recover from. It feels increasingly difficult to catch our breath and our muscles feel weak from trying to stay afloat. Then, when we do survive, we worry about when “the other shoe will drop.”
            Does any of that sound familiar? Many of those phrases are clichés, but there is a reason they are used so often. We are all in this human plight together. We can learn to “enjoy the journey” or cause unnecessary pain for ourselves and others by complaining that it’s not fair. We can easily fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others and believing the “grass is greener on the other side.” The truth is, the grass is actually greener where you water it.
            I returned to college four years ago and three words have repeatedly caught my attention: homeostasis, equilibrium, and resilience. Homeostasis is defined as the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes. Equilibrium is defined as a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced. Resilience is defined as the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape.
            I especially appreciate a second definition of resilience: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. This is sometimes called emotional toughness, flexibility, or adaptability. It’s basically the ability to pick yourself up after you fall or to bounce back after you’ve survived a difficult experience. In addition, steadiness and stability are synonyms for equilibrium.
            I often wish I had developed a little more flexibility, adaptability, and steadiness over my lifetime. The first section of my book will be about learning to develop those skills.