Showing posts with label overcoming discouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overcoming discouragement. Show all posts

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Doubt and fear during moments of emotional struggle

Last night, it felt like I was starting to slide back into a depression. (Bipolar disorder is so tricky because the cycles can occur several times during a day, week, month, or year.)

I felt so sure that I was supposed to post all those details about my recent struggle on Friday, but then I started to panic that it was divulging too much personal information for anyone to read. (And what if it was just because I was having a hypomanic episode?)

I wondered who else might read this blog, since the podcast host read it prior to deciding to invite me as a guest next week. However, if she felt inspired that my story could help other people, then maybe that was one of the reasons it was important to make my blog public in the first place. 

I used this blog as an accountability tool as I struggled to write the first draft of my book. I have edited parts 1-3 so far and have made hundreds of revisions to what was originally posted here. However, I have put the project away for awhile, since it has been one of several activities that have taken my focus away from my family. 

I switched this blog to a private one last night before bed, so that I could stop worrying while I was trying to go to sleep. 

This morning, I decided that it was important to leave it public, in case it can help someone who is struggling. 

There may be flawed links or errors in my writing (especially since the original posts are just first drafts of those chapters). There is also a lot of repetitive information as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings in the recent posts. 

Bottom line: I am a flawed and imperfect human who struggles with mental illness. However, God can use me, or anyone else who is willing, to bless the lives of His children. Sometimes He uses our weaknesses to help others who struggle in the same way. That is my hope with leaving this blog available. 

Happy Sabbath. :)

Friday, October 9, 2020

Recording the "great things" God has done

I spent about eight hours posting these eleven posts today. I was wondering if I had just been completely obsessive, but then I remembered 3 Nephi 23:9-14 ~ 

11 And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them? 

12 And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written. 

13 And it came to pass that Jesus commanded that it should be written; therefore it was written according as he commanded.


The things I wrote were some of the "great things" that God has done for me over the past six weeks. 

I planned to not post anymore after the first draft of the book was finished, but it felt like important work to do in preparation for the podcast interview on Wednesday morning. 

I posted the four thought downloads I sent my life coach between Saturday morning (before General Conference began) and Wednesday evening (prior to our session on Thursday afternoon). 

I made four separate posts of the details about my four spiritual experiences that pierced through the darkness of the past six weeks: 


Plus, a few posts about corresponding with a potential new therapist (we have a preliminary phone call on Monday afternoon) and preparing for the podcast. 

Unexpected invitation and God's timing

Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon. 

  • I explained in my reply: 

We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.


  • This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email: 

"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"


  • I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:
I am so glad you accepted. As I was praying about who I should invite to be on the podcast yesterday, I felt I was supposed to invite you…so, God is in the details. I can’t wait for next week.

  • This is the reply I just sent:
Thanks, Tamara. I believe in prayer and God's timing. I'm continuing to learn how timing is an important detail ("tender mercy") when our prayers are answered. It helps us know He is aware of us in a more intimate way. 

I wrote several long "thought downloads" to my life coach beginning on Saturday (before General Conference) and ending Wednesday evening. The combination of ten hours of General Conference, lots of prayer, and emptying out my brain like that are the reasons I finally pulled out of my depression. I had to put away my book on September 17th after several revisions of parts 1-3 because it was just making the situation worse. 

I had the chance to walk and talk with two dear friends on the Friday before and the Monday after General Conference. I hadn't seen either of them during the previous weeks of depression. Then my younger sister "just happened" to drive here from Colorado a day earlier than planned on Wednesday night and we walked and talked yesterday morning. 

She is my only sister and is one of my dearest friends. She understands and loves me completely, even though she knows all the less than positive things about me and my life. I read the thought download emails to her toward the end of our walk. As she was leaving, she said that she thinks I didn't have a mental block or a "nervous breakdown" over my book--she thinks there is just more of my journey that will need to be included before I can finish it. I had never thought of it that way and it gave me hope. Writing is very difficult for me and it doesn't come naturally. It helped me to not feel like I failed at something I worked so hard on after all. 

After listening to a couple of your podcast episodes, I decided to post those thought downloads on my blog today. 

Your invitation came at precisely the right time. God prepared me to be able to say yes--and gave me time to be introspective, which may help us talk about what most needs to be said for your listeners during the interview. I will continue to be prayerful between now and then.

***

One other side note: Tamara is the cousin-in-law of my good friend. My friend, her children, brother, and parents have all helped me with many temple ordinances. I am so grateful to her and them. She sent me this text on July 2nd: 

"I was just talking to my cousin's wife who does a podcast on having hope during hard times. She asked if I had anyone I thought she should interview and I sent her your number because I think you are amazing and articulate. So if you hear from Tamara Anderson it's my fault."

My friend is a BYU English professor, so that is high praise coming from someone who is as amazing and articulate as she is. 

I thought Tamara would never contact me and I hadn't thought of it since that text. So, here we are a little over three months later. 

God's timing. I'm so grateful for how he orchestrates so much behind the scenes to bless each of us. 

Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

  • Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog): 
Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way. 

During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was. 

Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram. 

The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months. 

The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable. 

I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." 

One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses. 

And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction. 

I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite. 

That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus. 

By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them). 

Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes. 

So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path. 

I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month. 

"More Purpose in Prayer"

  • I sent this email to a temple sealer in our ward on September 19th:
I have meant to watch your talk for the virtual youth conference ever since the bishop sent out the link back on August 8th. 

I have been more depressed than I've felt in years (since about August 28th). I continue to have powerful personal revelation and try to follow it—and it just kept getting harder and harder. Well, today was the day. I have been watching your video off and on throughout the afternoon and evening. I made a sign for my "prayer closet" that says "Listen and Feel / Turn your prayers from casual to mighty." 

My husband walked in and wondered what was wrong. I was on my knees and explained that I was trying to get centered again. The scriptures you shared (I rarely ever read in Psalms and Jeremiah!) and especially that video you made at the end filled my soul with love and peace. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your testimony and gifts with us. 


  • This was his thoughtful reply:

"You are welcome. I understand and relate to the need of becoming more centered from time to time. Especially in the current season in which we are living! Thanks for sharing with me part of your journey. I admire you for your desires and diligence and believe God will respond. May God bless you as you continue to seek and draw near to Him!"

  • Powerful verses in Psalm 143 that were so meaningful to me during that dark time: 

David meditates on the Lord’s works and trusts in Him. A Psalm of David.

1 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness . . .

4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. 

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. 

6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah. 

(I learned from Emily Freeman that, in Hebrew, this can mean pause--she uses that word more as a time to ponder, rather than just a break in the psalm). 

7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me . . .

8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. 

9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. 

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. 

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble. 

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

  • Notes from his digital fireside that I typed next to those verses:
* Take time to listen and feel when you pray. 

* Turn your prayers from casual to mighty. 

* Invite Him to join you throughout the day for strength, direction, peace, and comfort.

* Take time to think back and be grateful.

* Be willing to ask Him what you need to ask, how you need to change, what you should do to live according to His will for you. 

* Part of our journey is to rediscover the great love we already have in our heart for Heavenly Father and Mother and for Jesus.

* Our mistakes don't show lack of love for God--they are simply manifestations of our humanity. 

* As we draw near to Them, we are given grace to change and improve. 

* They are united in Their efforts to bless us. The Holy Ghost is a beacon that leads us to Them and shows us the way (the next right step). 

* Make Heavenly Father and Jesus the primary focus of your life. 

(That seed was planted exactly two weeks before I received the powerful follow-up prompting during General Conference!)

  • Cross references: 

Psalm 91:15 ~ He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him . . .



11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 

12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. 

13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. 

14 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity . . .



62 . . . my friends, I leave these sayings with you to ponder in your hearts, with this commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall call upon me . . .

63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. 

64 Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you

Three tips from Hilary Weeks' digital fireside (and some extra encouragement)

Hilary Weeks participated in a digital fireside on Sunday, July 19th. I "just happened" to watch it on August 31st, the evening of my 25th anniversary.

God reached me in a powerful way that evening. I took these notes: 


  • Tip #1: Take inventory and present to the Lord what you have to offer, even if it seems small and insignificant. 

John 6:9-14 ~

9 There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many? 

 10 And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand. 

11 And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would. 

 12 When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost. 

 13 Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten. 

14 Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.

* This note was typed in the margins from a previous study: Offer what you have and are to God and ask Him to make more of you, so that you can do more and offer more to others. 

* Focus on Christ, rather than the problems that seem impossible to overcome. His yoke brings peace, settled feelings, and comfort. (Note from earlier that day during "Don't Miss This" video while studying Alma 31:32.)


  • Tip #2: Create stillness. Fresh starts, refreshment, and renewal come from quiet moments with God. 

1 Samuel 9:27 ~ . . . stand thou still a while that I may shew thee the word of God. 

Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still and know that I am God . . .


  • Tip #3: Stay the course. 

She quoted from this BYU devotional address by Jeffrey R. Holland in her digital fireside (it is also found in the March 2000 Ensign). 

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

* I have never had such hateful thoughts about myself as I have during these two months that I've been trying to write this book. (They came from the "being who is bent on the destructions of [my] happiness.")

  • I texted Hilary the next day on September 1st: 
It happened again. I came across your July digital fireside last night. It was just what I needed to hear. I miraculously wrote the rough draft of my book in five weeks and have spent the last two weeks making revisions on parts one and two. I have three parts to go and I was discouraged. (It ended up being about 300 double spaced pages, which is 200 pages longer than I had planned.) Your encouragement from Elder Holland to "stay the course" came at just the right moment.

  • I sent this email to Hilary on Friday, September 11, 2020: 
I apologize for being so familiar with you by texting. I wrote to let you know I was removing you from my contacts about four years ago, but you immediately texted back that I should add you back in. 

I texted a year ago to ask if I could use your lyrics if I wrote a book about my journey (because people kept telling me I needed to and I had NO idea how). I wouldn't even have a journey if it wasn't for your music. (I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.) You texted back that it would be an honor to have your lyrics included. 

Then on July 10th of this year, I was finally given the inspiration to write the book. I finished the first draft on August 18th and have been editing ever since—literally during every waking hour. That is a miracle, so I know there is some purpose for it. I guess I was inspired to ask you again about the lyrics, so I could find out that I need to re-think the whole thing. There may not be a published book after all. Can you please just tell me what the rule is? What am I even allowed to include? Thank you for being so, so kind and patient with me through the years. 

  • She replied on the evening of Sunday, September 13, 2020 (after I had my mini "nervous breakdown," quit coaching, and decided to quit writing the book):

I was out of town over the weekend so I didn’t check my email! Rebecca is going to look into what the information might need to be for the songs. 

I just wanted to send you a note and tell you not to get frustrated and to hang in there! What you are doing is important! You can finish this and see it through! I KNOW you can. 

I’m sure the adversary would like nothing more than to see you quit right now. He knows you’ll continue to bless lives with this book and so he would love to see you get discouraged! 

He does that to me every time I write music. It is a sneaky and lame tactic. Stay positive and believe in yourself! You got this!!!! You are amazing!!!! Keep praying and taking the final steps. Just like on your walks!!


  • My reply the next morning:  
Thank you for taking the time to send this uplifting and encouraging reply, Hilary. It means more than you know. I appreciate all of Rebecca's behind-the-scenes work as well. I will follow the rules on whatever both of you decide. 

(They ended up giving me permission the following Sunday to use the full lyrics of 30+ songs, like I had originally planned—after I had completely given up.)

Friday, August 14, 2020

Chapter 34 ~ Eternal Progression … The Journey Continues

I found most of the material for this chapter this morning. These quotes displaced the ones I had planned to use, so I believe they are inspired. I learned a lot as I was piecing them together.

 

            Eternal progression is a phrase that may seem hopeful to some and daunting to others. I fall in the hopeful camp. I believe it means we get unlimited chances to try again…and again… and again to improve upon our past and progress. This is possible because of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan, which is centered on the atonement of Jesus Christ. I wrote about a few of my ancestors in the previous chapter. I believe they listened to Russell M. Nelson on April 1, 2018, when he said, “Our message to the world is simple and sincere: we invite all of God’s children on both sides of the veil to come unto their Savior, receive the blessings of the holy temple, have enduring joy, and qualify for eternal life” (“Let Us All Press On,” Ensign, May 2018). I believe my ancestors acted on that invitation from a prophet of God because their names were forwarded to me from my sister on April 5th and my mom on April 6th. My desire is to always do my best to follow the counsel of God’s prophet as well.

            This quote by Neal A. Maxwell fills my heart with hope. “What we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity. …’For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts’ (D&C 137:8–9).…God thus takes into merciful account not only our desires and our performance, but also the degrees of difficulty which our varied circumstances impose upon us. No wonder we will not complain at the final judgment, especially since even the telestial kingdom’s glory ‘surpasses all understanding’ (D&C 76:89) (“According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Ensign, November 1996).

            In February 2019, my good friend and ministering sister shared a comforting and reassuring quote with me about eternal progression. She read it in a chapter with the title “The Saving Christ” written by Terry and Fiona Givens. “Elder James E. Talmage wrote in the first edition of the Church-published Articles of Faith, ‘advancement from grade to grade within any kingdom, and from kingdom to kingdom, will be provided for … Eternity is progressive.’ He later elaborated, no man will be detained in the lower regions ‘longer than is necessary to bring him to a fitness for something better. When he reaches that stage the… doors will open and there will be rejoicing among the hosts who welcome him to a better state.’ Slightly later, President Joseph F. Smith taught that ‘there is a time after this mortal life, and there is a way provided by which we may fulfil the measure of our creation and destiny, and accomplish the whole great work that we have been sent to do, although it may reach far into the future before we fully accomplish it. Jesus had not finished his work when his body was slain, neither did he finish it after his resurrection from the dead, although he had accomplished the purpose for which he then came to earth, he had not fulfilled all his work. And when will he? Not until he has redeemed and saved every son and daughter of our father Adam that has or ever will be born upon the earth to the end of time…’” (The Christ Who Heals,” p.119).

            In one of my favorite talks on faith, Neil L. Andersen explained, “Faith is a principle of power, important not only in this life but also in our progression beyond the veil. By the grace of Christ, we will one day be saved through faith on His name.” (“Faith is Not by Chance, but By Choice,” Ensign, May 2015).

            In Summer 2019, an Institute teacher reminded me about an instructive quote by Henry B. Eyring, which continues to help me redirect my thoughts from worrying about the future. “Building faith in Jesus Christ is the beginning of reversing spiritual decline in your family and in your home. That faith is more likely to bring repentance than your preaching against each symptom of spiritual decline. You will best lead by example. Family members and others must see you growing in your own faith in Jesus Christ and in His gospel…. You will find some of your greatest joys in your efforts to make your home a place of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and a place that is permeated with love, the pure love of Christ. … Some have tried with full heart for that blessing, yet it has not been granted. My promise to you is one that a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once made to me. I had said to him that because of choices some in our extended family had made, I doubted that we could be together in the world to come. He said, as well as I can remember, ‘You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.’ I believe that he would extend that happy hope to any of us in mortality who have done all we can to qualify ourselves and our family members for eternal life. I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is a plan of happiness. I testify that His plan makes it possible for each of us who has done the best we can to be sealed in a family forever. I know that the priesthood keys restored to Joseph Smith were passed on in an unbroken line to President Russell M. Nelson. Those keys make possible the sealing of families today. I know that Heavenly Father loves us, His spirit children, with a perfect love” (“A Home Where the Spirit of the Lord Dwells,” Ensign, May 2019).

            Larry R. Lawrence explained, “The Spirit can show us our weaknesses, but He is also able to show us our strengths. Sometimes we need to ask what we are doing right so that the Lord can lift and encourage us. When we read our patriarchal blessings, we are reminded that our Heavenly Father knows our divine potential. He rejoices every time we take a step forward. To Him, our direction is ever more important than our speed” (“What Lack I Yet,” Ensign, Nov. 2015).

            Henry B. Eyring explained, “…You can find the word remember throughout the scriptures…. My message is an invitation…  to remember. Here are three suggestions about what you could remember each week when you partake of the sacred emblems of the sacrament. I hope they are helpful to you, as they have been to me. First, remember the Savior. Remember who He was while on earth, how He spoke to others, and how He showed kindness in His acts. Remember whom He spent time with and what He taught. The Savior “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38)…. Most of all, we can remember the great price He paid, out of His love for us, to remove the stain of our sins. As we remember Him, our desire to follow Him will grow. We will want to be a little kinder, more forgiving, and more willing to seek the will of God and do it.

…It’s hard to think of the Savior—His purity and perfection—without also thinking of how flawed and imperfect we are in comparison. We have made covenants to obey His commandments, yet we frequently fall short of this high standard. But the Savior knew this would happen, which is why He gave us the ordinance of the sacrament.” (“Always Remember Him,” Ensign, Feb. 2018),

            He continued with counsel that has been very helpful for me over the past couple of years. “As you examine your life during the ordinance of the sacrament, I hope your thoughts center not only on things you have done wrong but also on things you have done right—moments when you have felt that Heavenly Father and the Savior were pleased with you. You may even take a moment during the sacrament to ask God to help you see these things. If you do, I promise you will feel something. You will feel hope. When I have done this, the Spirit has reassured me that while I’m still far from perfect, I’m better today than I was yesterday. And this gives me confidence that, because of the Savior, I can be even better tomorrow….No matter how well you keep your promise to always remember Him, He always remembers you. The Savior knows your challenges. He knows what it is like to have the cares of life press upon you. He knows how urgently you need the blessing that comes from always remembering Him and obeying Him—“that [you] may always have his Spirit to be with [you]” (D&C 20:77; emphasis added). So He welcomes you back to the sacrament table each week, once again offering you the chance to witness before Him that you will always remember Him.” (“Always Remember Him,” Ensign, Feb. 2018),

            Neal A. Maxwell explained, “For the faithful, our finest hours are sometimes during or just following our darkest hours.…With an understanding of God’s plan of salvation, we know that the rejoicing, the striving, the suffering, the tutoring, and the enduring experiences of life all play their part in an intelligible process of helping us, if we will, to become, as the Savior beckoningly invited, ‘even as I am.’ (3 Ne. 27:27)…The plan always points the way, but does not always smooth the way, since individual development requires an ‘opposition in all things.’ (2 Ne. 2:11.) The Lord will give us the needed intellectual and spiritual confirmation concerning His plan, but on His terms and in His own way.…Unsurprisingly, therefore, this mortal school produces some soaring triumphs but also a history filled with individual mistakes. But we should not blame the school, nor the curriculum! Least of all, the Schoolmaster! (“The Great Plan of the Eternal God,” Ensign, May 1984).

            In another talk, Neal A. Maxwell continued, “God delights in blessing us, especially when we realize ‘joy in that which [we] have desired’ (D&C 7:8).…It is up to us. God will facilitate, but He will not force.…Even a spark of desire can begin change. The prodigal son, sunk in despair, nevertheless desired and ‘came to himself,’ determining that ‘I will arise and go to my father’ (Luke 15:17–18).…Fortunately for us, our loving Lord will work with us, ‘even if [we] can [do] no more than desire to believe,’ providing we will ‘let this desire work in [us]’ (Alma 32:27)….Only by educating and training our desires can they become our allies instead of our enemies!…It is up to us. Therein lies life’s greatest and most persistent challenge. Thus when people are described as ‘having lost their desire for sin,’ it is they, and they only, who deliberately decided to lose those wrong desires by being willing to ‘give away all [their] sins’ in order to know God (Alma 22:18).… a loving God will work with us, but the initiating particle of desire which ignites the spark of resolve must be our own! It all takes time. Said the Prophet Joseph: “The nearer man approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin; and like the ancients, arrives at that point of faith where he is wrapped in the power and glory of his Maker and is caught up to dwell with Him. But we consider that this is a station to which no man ever arrived in a moment” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 51). Thus the work of eternity is not done in a moment, but, rather, in ‘process of time.’ Time works for us when our desires do likewise! (“According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Ensign, November 1996).

            Thomas S. Monson encouraged, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now…” (“Finding Joy in the Journey,” Ensign, Nov. 2008).

            One of my Institute teachers reminded me of a poem titled “The Dash” by Linda Ellis. It helped motivate some of my changes between 2008 and 2012. Perhaps it will remind you of some changes you might make as well.

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.

To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

 and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile…

 remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?

 

            I once watched a YouTube video about a hospice nurse and chaplain named Becki Hawkins who witnessed the end of life suffering of many patients over 30 years. She wrote a book about the lessons she learned from those patients and also spoke to a small gathering of people in October 2012. Part of her conclusion resonated with me (at about the 44 minute mark). “I’m not afraid of dying… I believe that we are beautiful, spiritual beings who are here for a very, very brief time in these clay vessels to learn lessons for our souls and to learn how to love one another better. To learn how to treat each other the way that God wants us to treat each other.”

            Another poem that helped me through many discouraging days during my growing up years is “Don’t Quit” by John Greenleaf Whittier. Perhaps it will uplift you also.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 

            Henry B. Eyring taught, “My reassurance is this: the loving God who allowed these tests for you also designed a sure way to pass through them. Heavenly Father so loved the world that He sent His Beloved Son to help us. His Son, Jesus Christ, gave His life for us. Jesus Christ bore in Gethsemane and on the cross the weight of all our sins. He experienced all the sorrows, the pains, and the effects of our sins so that He could comfort and strengthen us through every test in life…. As I have pondered the covenant words and corresponding blessings promised, I have wondered what it means to be willing to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ. President Dallin H. Oaks explains: ‘It is significant that when we partake of the sacrament we do not witness that we take upon us the name of Jesus Christ. We witness that we are willing to do so. (See Doctrine and Covenants 20:77.) The fact that we only witness to our willingness suggests that something else must happen before we actually take that sacred name upon us in the most important sense.’ The statement that we are ‘willing to take upon [us]’ His name tells us that while we first took the Savior’s name when we were baptized, taking His name is not finished at baptism. We must work continually to take His name throughout our lives, including when we renew covenants at the sacrament table and make covenants in the Lord’s holy temples.” (“Try, Try, Try,” Ensign, Nov. 2018).

            Richard G. Scott explained, “You are one of the noblest of God’s creations. His intent is that your life be gloriously beautiful regardless of your circumstances. As you are grateful and obedient, you can become all that God intends you to be. Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do…. A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth…. You are here on earth for a divine purpose… to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil” (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            He continued, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you…. Learn from inspiring individuals who have made peace with their challenges and live with joy amid adversity…. Children teach us how to find joy even under the most challenging circumstances. Children haven’t yet learned to be depressed by concentrating on the things they don’t have. They find joy in what is available to them…. Simple, rejuvenating experiences surround us. They can be safety valves to keep the tension down and the spirit up. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have or have lost. The Lord promised the obedient to share all that He possesses with them. You may temporarily lack here, but in the next life, if you prove yourself worthy by living valiantly, a fulness will be your blessing. To the afflicted people of Alma, the Lord said: ‘I will also ease the burdens … that even you cannot feel them upon your backs … ; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And … the burdens … were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord’ (Mosiah 24:13–15) (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            He continued, “Being creative will help you enjoy life. It engenders a spirit of gratitude. It develops latent talent, sharpens your capacity to reason, to act, and to find purpose in life. It dispels loneliness and heartache. It gives a renewal, a spark of enthusiasm, and zest for life. Willing service to others is a key to enduring happiness. Each morning (one woman) would ask her Father in Heaven to lead her to someone she could help. That sincere prayer was answered time and again. The burdens of many were eased and their lives brightened. She was blessed continually for being an instrument directed by the Lord. I know that every difficulty we face in life, even those that come from our own negligence …  can be turned by the Lord into growth experiences, a virtual ladder upward… No matter how difficult something you or a loved one faces, it should not take over your life and be the center of all your interest. Challenges are growth experiences, temporary scenes to be played out on the background of a pleasant life. Don’t become so absorbed in a single event that you can’t think of anything else or care for yourself or for those who depend upon you. Remember, much like the mending of the body, the healing of some spiritual and emotional challenges takes time…. God’s love brings peace and joy. Your faith in Jesus Christ gives life enduring meaning. Remember you are on a journey… Sometimes you have experiences that yield more happiness than others, but it all has purpose with the Lord….Forgive any you feel may have offended you. If there is transgression, repent of it, that the Master may heal you…. You will learn that sadness and disappointment are temporary. Happiness is everlastingly eternal because of Jesus Christ. I solemnly witness that He lives, that He loves you, and that He will help you” (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            Earlier in the book, I mentioned that I was asked to give a message in an Easter lesson to the women in our church congregation. I will end with part of that message I shared on March 31, 2013. “…Because I made those changes, my depression lifted dramatically at the end of December 2011. I was then given three months to continue to strengthen those habits and add other daily habits to give me balance in my life. Then my next trial arrived. I've had numbness, tingling, and tightness from my ribs to my toes especially on my right side since March 20, 2012. I spent the rest of last year building habits, but also trying to figure out what was causing these uncomfortable symptoms. In December, a lesion was finally found on my spine when my MRI's were repeated and, in January, it was confirmed through a spinal tap that I have MS…. I don't think I could have handled all of this if I had been in the emotional state I was in prior to making these changes. I feel that the Lord blessed me because He knew this was coming. I'm still very limited in what I'm able to do in life, but He has helped me learn how to do the basics that have given me much more stability. He has helped me focus on what is really important.  
            His grace is the enabling power to help us do better and be better. I have a testimony of that. I couldn't make it through one day without His help. I still have many difficult days, but I know He is there to help me (and all of us) every step of the way as we strive to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm thankful that I will someday have a resurrected body because of Him that is free of earthly limitations. But, I will also be forever grateful for the way He has helped me cope with my limitations along the way. I know the Savior’s atonement is real and it is powerful. I know that Christ perfectly understands what each of us goes through in this life and is perfectly able to help us because He suffered and died for us. I also know that because He was resurrected, we will all be resurrected too…. We can feel hope, peace, and joy all along the way because of that promise.” Those feelings and beliefs have continued to uplift and sustain me over the past seven years. Since each day is a new beginning, repeating into eternity, I can continue to trust in Savior and His promises…forever.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

Chapter 32: Family History Fun

Today was unexpectedly difficult. I cried for much of the morning. I'm so grateful I was finally able to pull myself together enough to work on this important chapter. It's only about half finished, but I feel very relieved to have written as much as I did.

           

               It is important, for many reasons, to know where you came from. One of those reasons is the strength of your ancestors, and the way they overcame challenges, can strengthen you. 

            One of my ancestors is Lijntje van Wijnen. She is my maternal grandma. When she was five years old, she sailed to America from Rotterdam, South Holland in the Netherlands. She made the trip with her recently widowed mom and they arrived at Ellis Island in New York on January 2, 1923. At that time, her name was changed to Lena Van Wynen.  She and her mom boarded a train and traveled to Ogden, Utah. The missionary who baptized her parents a few years earlier met them there. She eventually married my grandpa, Lowell Carter Burns. My mom is their only daughter, born between four older and two younger brothers. I am my mom’s oldest daughter. I lived with my Grandma Burns for a semester when I attended Weber State College in 1990. I still feel a special bond with her.

            Genealogical research is a priority of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Their online program, Family Search, is an amazing tool for family history research. Prior to that, my paternal grandma worked tirelessly on the genealogy for her side of the family and recorded it on long horizontal family group sheets. However, very little work had been done my maternal line. I always thought family history work was basically impossible for me and I never completed any work other than a four generation pedigree sheet on both sides of my family.

            In January 2018, I was still trying to write this book, but it became too overwhelming. So I decided to just work on it as my personal history instead. During that same time, my parents were preparing to serve another mission. One evening, my mom showed me some treasures she found while going through boxes. They included her mom’s journal, several important documents, old letters, and some pictures. My mom allowed me to take them home so I could look at them more closely. I immediately began typing a copy of the handwritten pages from my grandma’s journal. She wrote less than 20 pages and it ended after their first child was born. I was fascinated with what she had written, though,  and was grateful to learn a little more about her early life. At the end of January, I received an email notification from Family Search letting me know that temple work still needed to be completed for an ancestor named Jaapje Buitelaar. She is the maternal fourth cousin of my Grandma Burns. I usually just disregarded those notices, but I felt different this time. I clicked on the link, printed out a temple card for her, and that was the first step in my family history journey. 

            Meanwhile, my sister had been doing family history work for a while. She lived in North Carolina at that time and the temple closest to them would be closing for long-term renovations shortly. When I told her about my unexpected change of heart, she asked if I would be willing to finish the temple work for 13 remaining ancestors. I agreed and invited my mom to help me. So we went to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on my birthday the next week. I was recovering from a cold, but I thought it would be neat to have my birth date stamped on all 14 of those cards (for Jaapje and the 13 my sister transferred to me). My nieces had acted as proxy for the baptisms and confirmations of these 13 ancestors. So my mom and I acted as proxy for the initiatory ordinance of each one. The initiatory is a beautiful ordinance, which takes place prior to the endowment. It is a much shorter ordinance, so more can be done at one time. My mom and I had to wait two different times, but we were each able to do the initiatories for seven ancestors. It was a memorable and sacred experience for both of us, in addition to being a great way to celebrate my 46th birthday. I returned to the temple on February 8th to be proxy for Jaapje’s endowment, which was also a very special experience.

            Later in February 2018, I wrote the following partial entry in my journal. “I've recently become painfully aware of my human weakness as I’ve continued to visit with people over the past few weeks. So I have been prompted to shift my focus to compiling my personal history and working on my family history and temple work. I'm hoping I will make less mistakes with the dead than I have with the living. However, it's a miracle that someone who has struggled as much as I have with depression and social anxiety was able to visit as much as I did in the first place. God did way more with that experience than I could have ever done on my own. I'm so grateful for the opportunities he gave me to try to help and lift others in my very small way.” I discussed three of those divine intersections with Janell, her half-sister and niece in chapter 24. I accompanied Janell’s niece to complete her initiatory and endowment on May 12, 2015. Since that time, I met her niece for lunch on several different occasions, but she never felt ready to help seal Janell and her husband, along with sealing their two children to them. (Even though Dee and Janell weren’t active in the church, they did have their children’s temple work done after each of their tragic deaths.)  I was anxious to participate in that sealing because it felt like the beginning of the happy ending for their family, since they are all now together after 20 years of separation. However, I knew it needed to be on their relative’s timetable, not mine.

            Several miracles occurred shortly after I wrote that bittersweet journal entry. Janell's niece visited me spontaneously on the afternoon of February 20th to deliver an invitation to her upcoming civil wedding. She explained that she had already waited too long to help seal Janell’s family, she handed me the temple cards, and asked me to do it in her behalf. I could not believe it! I was so honored for the privilege and opportunity she had literally just handed me. I was already planning to help seal Jaapje to her husband the next day and I was so grateful for the chance to help with this important sealing in the same session. I remember praying that our house wouldn't burn down while we slept or that I wouldn't get in a wreck on the way to the temple... because I had been waiting for this day since Janell’s niece completed her endowment almost five years before.

            I made it safely to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple the next morning. I acted as proxy for Jaapje as she was sealed to Jacobus Borstlap. Then I had the privilege of being proxy for Janell as she was sealed to Dee in the same session. Immediately after their sealing, I had the privilege of being proxy for their daughter, as I helped seal her and her older brother to Dee and Janell in the next ordinance. I cried tears of joy through all three ordinances. I wondered if Janell and Dee were permitted to watch the ordinances from where they were in the next life and I hoped they knew how much I love them. Toward the end of the session, I thought I heard a voice in my mind that said, “Hi Wendi Bird,” which is a reference from Peter Pan and it's what Dee used to say to me when I came over to walk with Janell. (In case that wasn’t enough of a tender mercy, right after I heard Dee’s voice in my mind, someone with the last name of Darling was sealed – that was Wendy's last name in Peter Pan!) I hadn't thought of that nickname in a long time. I took it as a sign that they were happy and accepting of my gift to them and their children. I am looking forward to the day when I can see them in the next life. I feel very connected to their family now. I kept alternating between a big grin and tears for many hours following the sealing session. 


            I remember feeling like I could finally be at peace about Janell for the first time since the Monday after Easter 2014 when I found out she passed away. Another interesting side note is that Jaapje and Jacobus had a son named Cornelis. Cornelis married Maria de Groot and I printed out a temple card for her just three weeks after our daughter told us she was pregnant in May 2019. The interesting thing about that is DeGroot is the last name of our grandson and his father. I just noticed that recently and it was another sweet moment when I was reminded that God is aware of me and my circumstances.

            I also had the opportunity to attend the wedding of Janell’s niece just two days later on February 23rd. It was a very snowy day and I wondered if it was worth attending as my car slipped and slid through the snow on my drive to the Provo city courthouse. She asked me to be one of the witnesses when I arrived, so she now has a marriage certificate with my signature on it. After the ceremony, I joined her, her two cute kids, her new husband, and several other family members at Pizza Factory for lunch afterward. That gave me the opportunity to talk with Janell’s half-sister for the first time in quite a while. I was grateful that I made the effort to support their family. I visited with my good friend who was the Relief Society president during my experience with Janell. I explained to her again how I thought I was in Janell’s life to save her life, but I was so confused when she died. This friend explained to me that I actually was in her life to help the Savior save her in my small way. I am grateful for the miracles that have occurred to help all of this happen in God's perfect timing. I know that Heavenly Father works miracles in our lives. I’m very grateful that He allows us to help in these miracles that we could never make happen ourselves. I know that the greatest miracle of all is the atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful for His mercy and grace. I know that we can have “more freedom from earth stains” as we partake of the sacrament and attend the temple.