Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”  

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly.