Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning (part 2)

 

          I actively avoided taking any math or English classes during my first two semesters, but I couldn’t put them off much longer. I finally felt brave enough to register for Math 990 during Summer semester 2016. This was an expensive four credit class (which was required, since I hadn’t taken any math classes since 1989 in high school). However, it was only a prerequisite and didn’t count toward any degree. So several academic advisors recommended that I take a $45 class called Math Leap instead. I took another “leap of faith” and dropped the math class, but the advisor over Math Leap explained that I could even pay a little less by purchasing a personal copy of the ALEKS program to work on at home. (I volunteered to take notes in Sociology class for a student who had those accommodations and I ended up getting paid $50, which offset the cost!) ALEKS is an acronym for Assessment and Learning in Knowledge Spaces. It’s an online tutoring and assessment program that intuitively focuses on what you need help with the most, while skipping skills you’ve already mastered. I diligently worked through math problems each day for over seven weeks. I was nervous to take the test, but I finally did at the end of June. I scored 36, which placed me in Math 1010, but I didn’t want to settle for the general math class. I decided to continue studying and took the test again on July 5^th. That time, I scored 55, which placed me in Math 1040 (Introduction to Statistics - the math class suggested for Behavioral Science majors). I was so proud of myself for sticking with it and was asked to be in a testimonial video for ALEKS later that semester. 

            Meanwhile, my therapist and psychiatrist recommended that I apply for a grant from a government program called Vocational Rehabilitation. It forced me out of my comfort zone to meet with the counselor there, but I’m grateful I did. No scholarships are available for summer semester and Voc. Rehab. just happened to have a surplus around that same time, so they made a one-time payment of $1,525 to cover the tuition for my other two classes. One of those classes was Introduction to Film and I took it online with our daughter to fulfill our fine arts requirement. We watched several movies together and had to write papers on a few of them, but it ended up being relatively fun. The other class was English 1010 and it was not fun at all. I took it during first block of Summer semester, which meant the schedule was condensed and accelerated. I was required to write five short papers and five long papers in seven weeks. The stress from that caused an MS relapse and I ended up having to wear a knee brace over my jeans for an entire year after that. However, one paper was a review, so that gave my husband and I a chance to revisit the Springville Museum of Art, which is where my bridal pictures were taken back in 1995. I chose to write the final paper on a religious topic and I had several insightful conversations with my teacher about it, so those two experiences made it feel worthwhile.

            I qualified for a $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center for the Fall 2016 semester. I applied that toward Introduction to Statistics and Contemporary Families (which fulfilled my Global Intercultural requirement ). I volunteered to take notes in Statistics class for another student with those accommodations and received $50 again, so that helped pay for one of the textbooks. Taking notes for someone else required me to pay closer attention than I may have normally, so I probably owe my A- to that, because I didn’t really understand very much of it. In Contemporary Families class, we were divided into groups of five students, who became our family for the semester. I grew close to them during our time together and even invited them to our home for dinner and a hike up the hill behind the cemetery as our final activity. We sat and talked as we watched the sunset, which I really enjoyed. I kept in touch with two of the female students for awhile after that and was grateful for the chance to get to know them better outside of class.

            We decided to build our new home with a functional main level during Fall semester, since my leg still hadn’t recovered from the MS relapse. That meant we would be moving in the middle of Spring 2017 semester, so I decided to take both of my classes online, instead of having the added stress of traveling to and from campus. I qualified for another $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center and applied that toward my two online classes during Spring semester. One was Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences, which is the only upper division class I’ve ever taken. I wanted to ride the momentum from ALEKS and Introduction to Stats, since this would be the last math class I would have to take for my entire degree. The textbook was online and was written by the professor who taught the class. During the first week of class, he offered $100 cash to any student who was good at proofreading. So I told him I would volunteer if no one else did and I started to make some notes for possible corrections as I went along. I assumed someone else was actually doing it, so I didn’t feel pressure, but he told me later that I was the only one. He invited me to his office, so he could pay me, after I took the first test in the testing center. It was really nice to meet him in person, since his videos were very helpful and I knew his voice so well from watching them. It ended up being much more difficult to proofread after chapter eight, partially because of the difficulty of the material and also because we were packing and preparing to move. I told him I could return the $100 bill, but he said I had earned that and more already. I appreciated the way he graciously allowed me out of “the contract.”

            The other online class I took during Spring 2017 semester was Stress Management with a focus on Hardiness. That was the perfect class to provide therapy for the stress I felt while packing, moving, and unpacking during the semester. Since it worked so well the previous year, our daughter and I took Introduction to Meteorology online for Summer 2017 semester. It wasn’t nearly as fun as the film class, but I have always loved looking at the different types of clouds as I’ve walked. So learning about each type and being able to name them when I saw them in the sky made it worthwhile for me. Our daughter didn’t like anything about the class, but at least it met the requirement for one of our two physical science classes.  

            Unexpected changed occurred during Fall semester 2017. I registered for Positive Psychology (which was taught by my previous Intro. to Sociology teacher) and Interpersonal Relationship Skills. I was feeling discouraged going into the semester, so I felt like these classes were perfectly timed. In Positive Psychology, we learned about positive affirmations and our first assignment was to write five affirmations on index cards. Since I was feeling so discouraged, I decided to make four extra sets of them and used a black marker so they would stand out. I focused specifically on areas where I wanted to improve. The first set included: I am enough, I am capable, I make a difference in my family, I assume the best, I forgive myself and others. The second set included: I am resilient, I am brave, I am calm and confident, I am stronger because of every “failure” or mistake, I focus on “small or something.” The third set included: I have good ideas, I make good decisions, I have my own opinions, I am a successful student, I know and respect my limits. The fourth set included: I am grateful, I stay in the present, I look for the everyday miracles surrounding me, I have eternal perspective, I am making progress. The fifth set included: I am anchored by faith, hope, and love; I am saved through Christ’s grace, I have faith that God keeps his promises, I walk to show God that I love my legs; I triumph daily over depression, anxiety, and MS.  

            I also made cards with other motivational quotes and thoughts on them. They included: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass), “Let go and let God,” God works through me to bless others, “Things will work out” (Gordon B. Hinckley), and “Gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” In addition, I made a card with three common thinking errors that I easily fall into. It read, Avoid “all or nothing” / “always or never” / “should.” Our second assignment was to listen to a YouTube recording of  “The Strangest Secret in the World” by Earl Nightingale. This is a summary of the recording, “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” I also simplified it and made three more index cards: “Success is the progressive realization of a worth ideal;” We become what we think about; Believe and succeed. I carried all 35 of these index cards in a Ziploc bag inside my binder. I took them out and read through them three times each day. My goal was very general. I just wanted to live a more balanced life – by focusing on emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. So I began our third assignment, which was a 30-day challenge, with that goal in mind. We weren't supposed to plan how it would happen. We were just supposed to put all our faith and emotional energy into living positively and the way to achieve our goal would be opened to us.

            I sent the following email to my teacher on Saturday evening, which was September 2, 2017 (just a week into this process.) “You know how I'm putting all my positive thoughts into living a balanced life? My husband and I were talking this evening about how we're still having some big obstacles in our marriage. It had never occurred to me that my going to college is one of them. But he keeps saying that I ‘go away’ emotionally each semester and the breaks in between aren't long enough to recover the ground we've lost. I have noticed that he's right and I've tried not to, but school is stressful and I can only concentrate on a few things at a time in life before my brain feels like it's going to explode. Well, a definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ This evening, it hit me all of a sudden that I need to not do school anymore. As soon as I had this thought, I stopped crying and felt total peace. That was the total opposite solution that I thought I would come to! John didn't suggest it and I didn't feel pressured into it. It just suddenly became crystal clear to me. My scholarship appeal was approved yesterday, so it isn't because I'm feeling pressured or overwhelmed. In fact, I couldn't be in a better mindset to succeed. So I think I have now found my answer that will lead to a balanced life. I have the materials we were going to study this semester and I plan to continue keeping the gratitude journal and reviewing my affirmation cards. However, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences of the past six years and I kept saying that I would when I finish with college – in five years. But I think this is the time. I really want to drop my two classes now, but I'm going to sleep on it. I don't want to make a mistake, but I really feel like this is the path I should take. So let me know what you think. However, if I still feel strongly about it tomorrow, I think I'm just going to act, since the drop deadline is Tuesday. If this is my answer, then you can consider this my preview essay for the 30-day challenge. Wow! I had no idea it would really work! And I'm only a week into the challenge!”

            My teacher supported me in my decision and I met her on Tuesday to talk more about it on campus. I also met with my academic advisor, who had then become a good friend. She helped me fill out the paper work to withdraw completely from school. Then I went around and thanked a few of my teachers in the family studies department before heading home. When I arrived home, I started to panic a little bit because now the pressure was on to improve my marriage and write the book. I remembered that my friend saw a therapist with her husband, so I looked up the website. I called to explain our situation and they recommended a therapist. When I saw her picture on the website, I knew she was the right one. I ended up meeting with her five times on my own and five additional times with John. We were making good progress when she told me her husband had joined the military and they would be moving to Las Vegas. I decided to stop seeing her professionally and asked if I could meet her a couple more times in a casual setting before they moved. She talked with her supervisor and made the exception. So we met once at Café Rio. Then she met me two other times with her two little boys, once at the park and once at Chick-fil-A, so they could play while we talked. I’m grateful for the progress John and I made during those three months of therapy.

            During that time, I also tried to start writing this book. However, I could never decide how to organize it and moving forward with the writing just felt too overwhelming. So I decided to just try to write it as a personal history, but that ended up becoming family history in January 2018 – which became a whole other part of my journey. (I write about that in chapter 32.) Meanwhile, I also discovered a couple of life coaches online. Brooke Castillo started The Life Coach School and Jody Moore was trained by her. Jody is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coaches with those values. I listened to several free webinars, poured through information on their websites, and took copious notes. I even thought I might want to become a life coach, but then I felt prompted to return to college and finish my associate degree instead. It felt ridiculous to head in that direction again, but I know better than to second-guess those strong promptings.

            I registered for Summer 2018 semester at UVU and took Introduction to Geology, which fulfilled my second and final physical science requirement. My classroom was in the Pope Science building right next to the opening where the large pendulum swings. There are also several cases filled with different types of rocks in that area of the building, which were fascinating to look at before and after class. I volunteered to take notes for another student who had those accommodations, so that helped me to focus much more closely than I probably would have otherwise (and I earned another $50, which helped pay for my textbook). The teacher had some conflicts toward the end of the semester, so we were given the option to write a final paper or study the slides for the last few chapters on our own and take the final exam in the testing center. I opted for the latter. By that time, I learned how to take notes from the slides in a way that was helpful for my brain to remember them.

            The last chapter was on evolution and it was a little unsettling to me. So I read a lot of extra information and decided that I fall into the camp of “evolutionary creationism,” which means I believe God uses a type of evolution within His creation process. To me, that is basically a loose definition of eternal progression, which I write about in the final chapter of this book. I also realized that I lean more toward Christian universalism in my spiritual beliefs, while still staying true to my core beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe “everyone wins” in God’s plan because we all basically decide where we will end up in eternity and how comfortable we will be there by our choices and actions in this life. That strengthened my belief in the importance of agency, along with the reality of God’s unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

            During the Fall 2018 semester I took Nutrition through the Lifecycle (to fulfill my Biology requirement) and Introduction to Social Work. That was the first year of teaching for my nutrition teacher and I really enjoyed her casual and helpful approach. I sat by a female student in both classes that I became friends with and I met them outside of class several times to study for tests. That made the semester much more enjoyable. I also became friends with a recovered heroin user in my social work class. She returned to college after having a baby and cleaning up her life. I was impressed with her authenticity, her dedication to making good choices, and her courage in achieving her goals.

            We were each required to participate in 20 service hours outside of social work class, which was the most difficult part of the semester for me. I decided to volunteer with the English conversation club. So I met a Chinese woman several times on campus and once at her home to help her practice speaking English. I enjoyed getting to know her in the process. I also joined a Spanish woman in her English class a few times to help her with the vocabulary, exercises, and activities in her workbook. She knew very little English, but it was fun trying to figure out how to communicate with body language and also a little help from Google Translate. I still needed several more volunteer hours, so I contacted a woman in our previous ward who taught fourth grade at Westmore Elementary. She agreed to let me help two boys who needed additional practice with math and reading skills. I took them out in the hall and tutored them there. I became extra close with one of the boys and she asked me to focus all my attention on him during the last few visits. An interesting side note is that I attended Westmore Elementary for first, second, and third grade between 1978 and 1981. It was a very old building then and has since been remodeled. I’m grateful for the chance I had to try to make a difference in the lives of those two women and that boy.

            I was really nervous about taking Ethics and Values, so I took that class by itself during Spring 2019 semester. I had previously dropped that class within the first week during several other semesters because I just didn’t feel good about the teacher or syllabus. So I knew I needed to make it work this time. This teacher was head of the Philosophy department and Director of the Center for Ethics at the university, so he treated it like an upper division class. That made it easier in a way, but also more stressful in other ways. The only assignments during the entire semester were a midterm exam, a research paper, a group debate, and a final exam (which ended up being several essay answers submitted from home). Ever since I was a teenager, I have appreciated this quote by Plato, “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.” I was grateful to learn about Socrates and Plato because I knew very little about them before taking the class. In fact, I chose to write my research paper about them. I decided to compare and contrast Socrates and Plato with Jesus and Paul. It was an extremely broad, but very fascinating topic for me. I was paired with a difficult student for the group debate, but the preparation taught me a lot about patience. I also learned how to prepare a power point presentation for the first time and presenting in front of the class helped me face some of my fears. I learned to look at ideas from different perspectives as I listened to the professor’s lectures, participated in the class discussions, and attended campus events on religion and sexual orientation for extra credit. I also appreciated talking with the professor occasionally after class.

            I decided to take my remaining three classes at the Institute of Religion to earn my diploma over the summer. So my last semester at UVU occurred during Fall 2019. Because I was only able to transfer 7.66 credits from my previous college experiences in 1990 and 1992, I was required to take an extra one credit class in order to meet the minimum requirement of 60 credits for an associate degree. If I wanted an associate degree in Behavioral Science, I would need to take Social/Cultural Anthropology, which was a three credit class and is another one I had dropped several times during the first week in previous semesters. My other option was an online Library Research class, which was one credit. Neither felt like good options, but I chose Library Research and downgraded my associate degree to a basic University Studies degree. The other class I had been putting off was English 2010. So I finally took the darn intermediate writing class. The two main assignments were a personal dilemma paper and a research paper with annotated bibliography. So my online Library Research class ended up being the perfect class to take with it, since the main assignment was an annotated bibliography. I decided to write my paper on how to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women. So I worked on half of the annotated bibliography for that topic in Library Research and finished the requirements for that class about a month early. During that time, I wrote and submitted both drafts of the personal dilemma paper in English. That left the rest of the semester to focus on finishing the annotated bibliography and writing the research paper. I had a couple of mini-nervous breakdowns, but ended up with a paper I was proud of. I appreciated my professor’s kindness and helpful feedback during the entire writing process. She was the exact teacher I needed for that class. We had different views about religion, but she was very respectful and I learned a lot from her.  I turned in the final paper a couple weeks before the semester was over and her only feedback was that I should put it up on a blog so others could read it. I eventually followed that counsel and it has been the perfect accountability tool for finally writing this book. I ended up with 60.66 credits and an associate degree – with high honors. I believe each class and each teacher taught me valuable life lessons and I will always be grateful for the entire experience.

Chapter 9: Walking Therapy

            I was inspired to start walking in the fall of 2010, but it wasn’t an overnight success. I gradually increased my stamina as I walked to a destination near our home each day. After a while, I realized I was noticing the fluffy or wispy clouds in the sky, the leaves on the trees (and the crunch, crunch, crunch as I walked through them on the ground), the flowers growing beside the sidewalk, the outline of the mountains against the sky, and the beautiful sunsets. I started taking pictures as I walked, which was a hobby that had faded during my depression. As winter set in, I made the conscious decision to go walking, especially when the sky was gray (and even when it was raining or snowing). Prior to this, Seasonal Affective Disorder was something I struggled with during the winters – its acronym is SAD and that’s absolutely how gray days made me feel. However, it only looks gray when you’re inside, looking out the windows. When I actually went outside to walk, I could still see and feel the light of the sun – even if it didn’t shine as bright or feel as warm as it normally did. This taught me an important lesson about looking up – to the sun in the sky and also to the Son of our Heavenly Father.

            During that time of strengthening, I listened to music by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. Her CD titled “Every Step” (2011) felt like a soundtrack for the progress in my life. (I attended a benefit concert in Hilary’s home during August 2012 and she autographed my CD cover along with this message, “May the Lord bless your ‘every step.’”) With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “Dancing in the Rain.”

…The storm had rolled in…

I thought about going back to bed

Or reading the book on my nightstand

I considered calling the weather man

Just to ask him when it might end

But I did something you would not have thought

I grabbed my polka dot umbrella

And I opened the door…

Chorus:

And I danced

In the rain

I let my dreams know I hadn’t forgotten them

I let my heart take the lead and I told my hopes

To get themselves up again

And I danced (to the music of the day)

And I looked (for the blue above the gray)

Yes I danced

In the rain

I invited my worries to step aside

I need room to see in front of me

As the raindrops fell on my overcoat

I let them roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow

Cause Heaven and me, we both know

This storm is gonna pass 

I danced till my fears washed away

Then I thanked the rain for coming… today 

            I flew to Alabama with my parents to visit my sister in January 2011. This trip required me to stretch far outside my current comfort zone of staying close to home, which helped me realize I was making progress emotionally. It also helped me see my life from a different angle. At that time, I weighed 167 pounds, which is the heaviest I have ever been (including pregnancy). When I returned home, I talked with my husband and we made a basic plan for me to eat less carbohydrates and more protein – which basically meant avoiding obvious sugar. I began to faithfully log everything I put in my mouth using myfitnesspal.com. It helped me track my weight loss, along with reminding me to walk each day, do my floor exercises, and drink more water. I lost an average of three pounds each month and reached my goal weight of 121 pounds in May 2012.

            Prior to that in March 2012, I flew by myself to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Colorado, which was another victory in my emotional recovery. Two months later, they flew to Salt Lake and I joined them on a flight to Hawaii to visit our parents who were serving a mission at BYU-Hawaii. It was the first time I had been to Hawaii and May was the perfect time to go. I was excited to celebrate the loss of those 46 pounds by shopping for new shorts, capris, polo shirts, and tees before I left. I was now in size 6 and 8 (small), rather than 12 and 14 (large). It was a great feeling to see that physical proof of my achievement. I was so proud of these emotional and physical accomplishments and was grateful for the chance to celebrate in such an exciting way.

            There were still times when I didn’t feel strong and sometimes it felt like waves of depression were washing over me. However, I refused to go back to bed. When I wasn’t motivated to walk or was tempted to fall back into old eating habits, I reminded myself that I lost the equivalent weight of a water softener salt bag from Costco. Those bags are heavy! I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. During that whole process, I continued listening to Hilary Weeks’ “Every Step” CD.  With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “That’s Who I Am.”

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again…

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There’s a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

Chorus:

This moment is mine and I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

I will embrace it

I am strong and I believe that’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I’m brave enough to face the storm

And I’ll stand

That’s who I am 

It’s not about the race

It’s not how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go and holding on

It’s about taking chances

 And staying strong     

            I walked and talked with a friend in September 2012. She wrote about it on her blog later that day and I will share a few sentences that warmed my heart and strengthened my confidence. “I went walking with a friend that I haven’t visited with (face-to-face) in maybe two years? It’s been a really long time. This wonderful friend of mine has been challenged by bipolar disorder for at least 25 years. She is an extremely faithful friend and remarkable example of someone who presses forward in the face of her mountains to climb. The first thing I noticed about my friend was that she had lost so much weight…. She has also made HUGE progress in other areas of her life…. In every way, she is doing the best she has done in years. I made a mental note that during our conversation, she seems the most steady and grounded as she has ever seemed…. What I wish you could have heard in our conversation was the confirmation in both of our hearts as we talked about the power of small, simple actions based on decisions to change. The power of going on a walk, once. Then twice. Then again the next day…”

            About five years later, another friend emailed me this quote by Søren Kierkegaard, “Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day, I walk myself into a state of well-being & walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, & the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right.”

            I couldn’t agree more. Those small and simple steps added up to miraculous changes.

Part 2: Overcoming Obstacles

            In this section, I will describe some of the obstacles I’ve faced in my life and ways that I’ve learned to overcome them in varying degrees. I will give an overview of my journey here and then will discuss some more specific lessons I’ve learned in the following chapters.

             I have struggled with depression for over half my life. I started showing more serious signs of it in high school (around 1987). It became much worse when I served a proselyting mission in Pennsylvania and Maryland (1993-1994), but I was miraculously able to stay in the mission field for the entire 18 months. I literally prayed my way through those extremely difficult times and the Savior’s atonement carried me. I wasn’t aware at the time that my future husband was serving as a missionary in the same mission. We didn’t know each other before our missions, we only crossed paths briefly a couple of times in the mission field, but we flew home on the same airplane. Our parents lived a few blocks away from each other (and still do), so that made it easy for us to get to know each other and date after our missions.  

            Because of his encouragement, I sought medical attention for my emotional struggles and was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder, but my challenge is mostly with depression and social anxiety. I improved over the following months with a combination of therapy and mood stabilizing medication. We were married in the Bountiful Utah Temple a year after returning from the mission field (1995) and I decided to stop taking the medication so we could start our family. We were grateful to welcome our daughter 9 months and 6 days later (1996) and our son was born just under three years after her (1999). I tried to keep my life very simple during those years, but our son ended up in the newborn intensive care unit for the first ten days of his life and that was the opposite of simple.

            My emotional health declined quickly and we decided it was time to resume therapy and medication. However, the combination of medicine that worked so well before no longer worked. We spent the next decade trying different types, dosages, and combinations of medication without long-term success. When I was in the worst stage of my depression (from about 2008 to 2010), I spent most of my time in bed, not wanting to leave our bedroom and especially not wanting to leave the house. I couldn’t remember anything positive. I felt like everything I said or did or thought was wrong. In fact, I couldn’t even carry on much of a conversation. It felt like there was no way out. 

            I really wanted to attend church, the temple, and other church activities, but every time I even thought about going, I felt extremely anxious and cried almost uncontrollably. When I didn’t end up going, I felt really guilty and that guilt would make my depression worse. It was a very miserable and hopeless cycle. However, when I did actually make it to church, I almost always felt guilty from something that was said in a talk or lesson and then I often cried uncontrollably at church too. I then ended up spending most of my time hiding in the bathroom because I couldn’t compose myself enough to go back to the meeting. When I returned home after meetings, I second guessed every little thing I said or did –  or didn’t say or do. That made it even harder to go the next time. It was a very dark and lonely time for me. 

            At one extremely low point in fall 2010, I realized I wasn’t doing anything to help anyone in my life, including myself. If I had actually been suicidal, I would have tried to end my life. But, since I wasn’t, I decided I needed to learn to live. I was inspired to start walking to destinations all over town as an excuse to leave the house without having to interact with too many people. I bought small amounts of groceries, picked up prescriptions, picked up and dropped off books at the library, mailed letters and bill payments at a mail box in the business park near our home, returned hangers to the dry cleaners, and donated small items to Savers. As I walked in the sunshine and fresh air, the endorphins started working again, and I gradually found purpose in living.

            I had two very large obstacles to face in the next two years. In August 2012, my husband of seventeen years unexpectedly talked to me about a drastic change in his spiritual beliefs, which we previously had in common. I didn’t understand how that could be, since he had worked so hard on his mission and served faithfully in many callings. However, I tried to support him in his decision, even though it took years to gradually begin to understand his perspective. Then, in January 2013, I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, after experiencing symptoms off and on since 2001. I gave myself daily injections at home for 3 ½ years, received monthly infusions at the oncology lab for the next two years, and am now continuing to receive infusions twice each year. I have limited feeling in my lower right side, but can still function well overall. Since then, both of our children have chosen to not share my spiritual beliefs either.

            Several times, I’ve had the choice of giving up and going back to bed or continuing to face my challenges. I have allowed myself time to mourn in each case, since the future has increasingly become less certain. However, I have made the deliberate decision again and again to continue believing, progressing, and trying my best.

Chapter 5: Word of the Year

* I have hit a mental block each time I've tried to write beyond the first chapter of this book. That happened again today and I felt discouraged all over again. However, I don't want to quit this time.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon polishing the rough draft of chapter 5. I'm posting it now, even though I'm sure there will be changes in the future. (I actually added more detail and finished polishing it the next day!) I want to continue the momentum I've started, so I won't be going in order and I may only post fragments of a chapter in the future.

Choosing a Word of the Year is a guilt-free substitute for making New Year’s resolutions. For the past decade, I have chosen to look at life through the lens of a word, rather than making a list of resolutions in January. So far, my words have been: Joy (2010), Organize (2011), Decide (2012), Focus (2013), Balance (2014), Organize – again!(2105), Learn (2016), Perspective (2017), Peace (2018), and Temple (2019). It has been amazing to see how these words have literally shaped and changed my life each year.

In 2010, I was still struggling daily with debilitating depression. When I learned about this concept from a blog I followed, I took a leap of faith and chose joy as my word that year. In the fall, I started walking occasionally and began to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, and beauty of nature. I learned the powerful lesson that I can choose joy – even if I don't feel it yet. 

 In 2011, the word I chose was organize. That year, I gradually organized my life around three spiritual habits. Previously, the depression and anxiety I experienced caused me to fear leaving the house and my world became very small. In April, I returned to weekly church attendance and my world slowly expanded. In June, I began again to read daily in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Since I had developed my confidence with weekly church attendance, I was also able to begin attending the temple each week in the fall. 

In addition, I went through and consolidated my huge containers of clutter that were stored at my parents’ house before they left to serve a mission at BYU-Hawaii. I learned two important lessons relating to clutter during that year. First, having money to spend doesn't obligate you to spend that money on more stuff that you probably won't use. Second, I will never be satisfied by what I don't need. Therefore, I started learning to better distinguish between needs and wants.

 In 2012, the word I chose was decide. That year, I decided to deliberately build good foundational habits. For example, I chose to form the basic daily habits of flossing my teeth, doing the dishes, wiping our bathroom and kitchen counters, making our bed, doing floor exercises, and practicing the piano. Each time a habit became more automatic, I added the next and then the next. In August of that year, my husband told me he didn't share the same spiritual beliefs that I always thought he had. So I deliberately decided to be 100% in. I needed to be all in with loyalty to both my family and my faith, along with continued self-improvement.

In 2013, the word I chose was focus. During the previous three years, I developed enough confidence to begin turning the focus away from me and onto other people. That fall, I began to visit women in our neighborhood and began walking with a few of them, instead of just walking alone. I learned that what I focus on will grow. In 2014, I chose the word balance. During that year, I began to find the proper balance between reaching out to others and spending time at home.

During 2014 (and every year since), I learned more about weighing what is most valuable in the current moment. We each have a limited amount of time, money, and energy to spend – and it varies from person to person. I learned to evaluate whether I had more time, money, or energy and that would help me know how to allocate those in a more balanced way. I also learned to describe my energy in terms of time blocks or light bulbs. Family, friends, personal care, housework, hobbies, and church/community responsibilities each represent one energy block or light bulb. If I only had four energy blocks on a certain day, then I could only choose four of those areas to spend my time and energy on without becoming overly depleted.

In 2015, I chose the word organize again. I revisited this word by going through all the clutter containers that I brought home from my parents' house a second time. I learned to break big projects or overwhelming changes into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, when I organized my closet with clear containers on the shelves, then each item became more accessible and decluttering became less overwhelming. I also learned that having an "in process" section in my closet (for clothes that have been worn, but don't need to be washed yet) helped me avoid piling them elsewhere. 

External organization often affects me internally as well. In 2011, it created space in my heart for renewed spiritual habits. This time, it made space for me to return to college when our daughter started attending UVU that fall. In 2016, I continued that momentum by choosing the word learn. I attended college classes during all three semesters of that year and I even faced my fear of taking math again. We also made the decision to move across town and learned a lot as we began working with the builder in October.

 In 2017, I chose the word perspective. That year gave me many opportunities to develop new perspectives in different aspects of my life. We packed our belongings and moved from the home we had lived in for nineteen years. Our son was born shortly after we moved into that original home, so it was difficult to leave a home and neighborhood which held many years of memories for us. Perspective shifts also occurred as we adjusted to our life in a new home and neighborhood. Then I felt strongly prompted to withdraw from UVU a couple weeks after the fall semester began. That unexpected decision led to other adjustments in perspective, which included beginning marriage therapy with my husband and attempting to begin writing this book.

In 2018, I chose the word peace, which helped me learn to become more content with some of the perspective shifts of the previous year. In 2019, I chose the word temple and spent much more time worshiping in those sacred buildings. This also continued to increase my peace and develop my eternal perspective, which I will discuss more fully in the next chapter.

I neglected to choose a word for the first half of this year, partially because I became a grandma and then this unprecedented worldwide pandemic occurred. I began working with a life coach in April and I recently decided to choose the word remember for the remainder of this year. I would like to remember more fully what I’ve learned and overcome, but especially how God has blessed me through it all.