In this section, I will describe
some of the obstacles I’ve faced in my life and ways that I’ve learned to
overcome them in varying degrees. I will give an overview of my journey here
and then will discuss some more specific lessons I’ve learned in the following
chapters.
I
have struggled with depression for over half my life. I started showing more serious signs of it in high school (around 1987).
It became much worse when I served a proselyting mission in Pennsylvania and
Maryland (1993-1994), but I was miraculously able to stay in the mission field
for the entire 18 months. I literally prayed my way through those extremely
difficult times and the Savior’s atonement carried me. I wasn’t aware at the
time that my future husband was serving as a missionary in the same mission. We
didn’t know each other before our missions, we only crossed paths briefly a
couple of times in the mission field, but we flew home on the same airplane. Our
parents lived a few blocks away from each other (and still do), so that made it
easy for us to get to know each other and date after our missions.
Because
of his encouragement, I sought medical attention for my emotional struggles and
was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder, but my challenge is mostly with
depression and social anxiety. I improved over the following months with a
combination of therapy and mood stabilizing medication. We were married in the Bountiful Utah Temple
a year after returning from the mission field (1995) and I
decided to stop taking the medication so we could
start our family. We were grateful to welcome our daughter 9 months and 6 days
later (1996) and our son was born just under three years after her (1999). I tried
to keep my life very simple during those years, but our son ended up in the
newborn intensive care unit for the first ten days of his life and that was the opposite of simple.
My
emotional health declined quickly and we decided it was time to resume therapy
and medication. However, the combination of medicine that worked so well before
no longer worked. We spent the next decade trying different types, dosages, and
combinations of medication without long-term success. When
I was in the worst stage of my depression (from about 2008 to 2010), I spent
most of my time in bed, not wanting to leave our bedroom and especially not
wanting to leave the house. I couldn’t remember anything positive. I felt like
everything I said or did or thought was wrong. In fact, I couldn’t even carry
on much of a conversation. It felt like there was no way out.
I really wanted to attend church,
the temple, and other church activities, but every time I even thought about
going, I felt extremely anxious and cried almost uncontrollably. When I didn’t
end up going, I felt really guilty and that guilt would make my depression
worse. It was a very miserable and hopeless cycle. However, when I did actually
make it to church, I almost always felt guilty from something that was said in
a talk or lesson and then I often cried uncontrollably at church too. I then
ended up spending most of my time hiding in the bathroom because I couldn’t
compose myself enough to go back to the meeting. When I returned home after
meetings, I second guessed every little thing I said or did – or didn’t say or do. That made it even harder
to go the next time. It was a very dark and lonely time for me.
At
one extremely low point in fall 2010, I realized I wasn’t doing anything to
help anyone in my life, including myself. If I had actually been suicidal, I
would have tried to end my life. But, since I wasn’t, I decided I needed to
learn to live. I was inspired to start walking to destinations all
over town as an excuse to leave the house without having to interact with too
many people. I bought small amounts of groceries, picked up prescriptions,
picked up and dropped off books at the library, mailed letters and bill
payments at a mail box in the business park near our home, returned hangers to
the dry cleaners, and donated small items to Savers. As I walked in the
sunshine and fresh air, the endorphins started working again, and I gradually
found purpose in living.
I had two very large obstacles to face in the next
two years. In August 2012, my husband of seventeen years
unexpectedly talked to me about a drastic change in his spiritual beliefs,
which we previously had in common. I didn’t understand how that could be, since he had worked so
hard on his mission and served faithfully in many callings. However, I tried to
support him in his decision, even though it took years to gradually begin to
understand his perspective. Then, in January 2013, I was
officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, after experiencing symptoms off
and on since 2001. I gave myself daily injections at home for 3 ½ years, received
monthly infusions at the oncology lab for the next two years, and am now
continuing to receive infusions twice each year. I have limited feeling in my
lower right side, but can still function well overall. Since then, both of our
children have chosen to not share my spiritual beliefs either.
Several times, I’ve
had the choice of giving up and going back to bed or continuing to face my
challenges. I have allowed myself time to mourn in each case, since the
future has increasingly become less certain. However, I have made the deliberate
decision again and again to continue believing, progressing, and trying my best.
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