Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”