* I'm not quite finished with this chapter, but I wanted to post what I wrote so far. (I woke up at 3am and finished writing this chapter at 6am. I may or may not include "The Color Code" paragraphs in this part of the book. I may include those in an appendix at the end or I may just leave them on this blog for future reference. Either way, it was a very helpful review for me.)
People about my age usually remember doing the personality profile test on pages 7-12 of The Color Code: A New Way To See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life written by Dr. Taylor Hartman that was published in 1987. I've taken the test several times in my life and I always come up with the same combination. I'm dominantly blue. "Blues are motivated by altruism... crave intimacy... need to be loved... and are directed by a strong moral conscience" (20-21). In the personality overview chart, the "motive" for blue personalities is "intimacy." The "needs" of blue personalities are "to be good (morally), to be understood, to be appreciated" and "acceptance" overall. The "wants" of blue personalities are "to reveal insecurities, to please others, autonomy," and "security" (21-22). The title of chapter five is "Blues: Do-Gooders." In that chapter, the subtitles explain the attributes of blue personalities. They are "emotional and admired... committed and loyal... perfectionist... high expectations and demanding... self-disciplined and stable... self-sacrificing and nurturing... unforgiving and resentful... worry and guilt... appropriate and sincere... purposeful and dedicated... moody and complex... self-righteous and insecure" (40-49).
"Blue strengths as an individual" are: "sees life as a serious endeavor, appreciates beauty and detail, has a strong aesthetic sense, stable and dependable (plow horse versus race horse), sincere and emotionally deep, analytical oriented (concerned with why one behaves as he/she does), high achiever, and deep sense of purpose" (49). "Blue strengths as a communicator" are: "able to enjoy sensitive and deep conversation, strong skills in empathizing with others, remembers feelings and thoughts shared in conversation, willing to give conversations time to run their course, and prefers small groups" (49). "Blue strengths as a goal setter" are: "highly disciplined, receptive to other's suggestions, strong goal orientation, plans well and superb follow through" (49)... "Blue strengths as a parent" include: "very observant, empathetic and sensitive...keeps home clean and cozy, and seeks to understand children's behavior" (50).... "Blue strengths as a friend" are: "loyal forever once friendship is established, genuine concern for other person's well-being, remembers special holidays... encouraging in times of trouble, and willing to commit time to the relationship" (50).... "Careers most likely to attract blues" include: homemaker, psychotherapist... and banker" (51), which is interesting because I am a homemaker, I wanted to grow up and be a therapist, and I worked as a bank teller for 18 months before and after my full-time proselyting mission.
"Blue limitations as an individual" are: "highly emotional, smug and self-righteous, controlling and/or envious of other's success when too easily obtained, strong perfection and performance orientation, and self-abusive (verbally)" (51). "Blue limitations as a communicator" are: "tends to lecture and overkill issues, feels intense on many issues, rigid with principles and unwilling to negotiate... argues primarily from emotional perspective, strong expectations for others to be sensitive and deep, and expects others to read his or her mind and know his or her feelings" (51). "Blue limitations as a goal setter" are: "sets unrealistic goals, easily discouraged when unsuccessful in accomplishments... and expects others to understand his or her goals and make them a priority" (51-52). I apply "blue limitations as a career person" to my behavior in school and as a homemaker. They include: "...feels inadequate with natural talents and creativity, shys away from public exposure and performance, establishes high and often unrealistic expectations for self and others, tend to over-plan and over-prepare, critical of self and other's work, and over-extends self" (52). "Blue limitations as a parent" include: "...can be moody and unpredictable, easily irritated by other's mistakes and shortcomings, usually loves others with strings attached, tends to give heavy doses of guilt to children, lacks ability to relax, requires a purpose in order to play, controlling of children's lifestyle and overprotective, too precise and exact with expectations, feels a clean home is a priority, accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily, not spontaneous with activities, frustrates children with unrealistic expectations, strong sense of right and wrong - badgers child when perceived as wrong, and lectures children" (52). I have improved in some of those areas, but I feel some regret over other areas. "Blue limitations as a child" are: "easily frustrated, feels guilty over minor concerns, moody and emotional (cries instead of facing issues), feels are easily hurt, martyr-like and complains about life, self-esteem is dependent on outside influences, has difficulty relaxing and often feels uncomfortable, withholds affection if angered, and waits for parents to initiate ideas and then criticizes unacceptable suggestions. (52-53). "Blue limitations as a friend" are "highly insecure about other's acceptance and approval, feels rejected easily, when depressed or depressive - feels it is friend's job to understand, can be... bitter if crossed and scarred emotionally, critical of friend's principles or activities if not similar, expects friends to maintain strong loyalty, wishes friends would communicate more often, and rarely playful and spontaneous" (53).
"How to develop a positive connection with blues" has a list of "do" and "don't." The "do" list includes: " emphasize their security in the relationship, be sensitive and soft spoken in your approach, be sincere and genuine, behave appropriately and well-mannered" (ha ha), "limit their risk level, promote their creativity, appreciate them... and be loyal" (53-54). The "don't" list includes: "make them feel guilty, be rude or abrupt, promote too much change, expect spontaneity, abandon them, expect them to bounce back easily or quickly from depression, demand perfection (they already expect too much from themselves), push them too quickly into making decisions, expect them to forgive quickly when crossed, and demand immediate action" (54).
The title for chapter eight is "Character: How To Become Your Best Color." The author explains, "Individuals develop character strengths and limitations just as they have innate personality strengths and limitations.... Though we may not be born with a particular character trait, we do appear to be more receptive and/or vulnerable to certain strengths and limitations based on our given personality color" (89). "The seven most common character strengths of...blue" are: "loyalty to people, committed, quality, sincere, honest, focused, and moral conscience" (90). "Seven most common character limitations of...blue" are: self-righteous, judgmental, easily depressed, controlling, unforgiving, suspicious, and illogical" (90). "The following list delineates common and specific ways each personality binds the character development of others.... Blues tend to take things too personally (which often causes others to lie in order to protect the insecure and overly sensitive Blue. Blues often have too many unrealistic expectations (which makes others feel inadequate, unnecessary, and unloved). Blues typically role model lack of self-esteem by placing themselves last on their list of priorities. Blues often are too critical of others who choose to live life with a more relaxed or aggressive style (which causes others to feel unable to ever please them). Blues tend to be too demanding of other's 'inappropriate manners' (which causes others to rebel and develop a dislike for manners altogether)" (95). Wow. However, the author concludes, "The character building process requires us to (1) identify healthy life principles, (2) accept them into our lives, (3) commit to consistently living them, and (4) share them with others. Life principles will benefit all colors in their own development as well as the relationships they encounter with other colors" (97).
I will close this exercise in extreme vulnerability by sharing the "Key Life Principles.... Life Principle 1: Personal truths must be identified, pursued and blended with Universal Truths in order for us to have a balanced lifestyle. Life Principle 2: Charactered people take responsibility for their own attitudes and behaviors. Life Principle 3: We must stretch and risk personal discomfort in order to make unnatural attitudes and behaviors become natural. Life Principle 4: Charactered people actively love themselves and others. Life Principle 5: Our strengths must be shared with others in order to fully benefit us. Life Principle 6: Everything has its price. Charactered people choose wisely and pay their debts. Life Principle 7: Trust is imperative to the positive human experience. We are all interdependent on others in varying degrees of dependence and independence" (97).
***
We decided to move in
summer 2016 because my MS symptoms made the stairs in our previous home much
more difficult to manage. We looked at several different homes along the
Wasatch Front, but finally decided to just build a home across town. I started
attending the ward we would be going to for a few Sundays while we were
finalizing our decision. I wrote down the phone numbers of several of the women
that I met on those Sundays. Because I was still continuing to visit people, I
asked several of them if they would be interested in a visit. Only two ended up
allowing me to visit them. One of those women became a dear friend over the
years that followed.
I was called to be the secretary in
a new Relief Society presidency in June 2017, three months after we moved into
our newly built home. This woman was called to be the first counselor and I was
grateful for the opportunity to get to know her better in this way. There ended
up being unexpected complications and challenges in my life, so I needed to be released
from that calling a couple months later. This woman asked if we could go on a
walk shortly after that release occurred. I felt that I could trust her, so I
allowed myself to unload all the conflicted feelings I had over the
circumstances I was dealing with. She listened empathetically and I was so
grateful for her kindness and obvious concern for me as a person. A little
while later, she asked to be my ministering sister. I didn’t want obligatory
service from anyone, but I trusted this friend completely and knew she would be
sincere and authentic.
We began walking together once or
twice each month and I really enjoyed our talks. She invited me over a couple
of times to study Come Follow Me together. There were also a few times when I
went over to talk or cry because I felt like there was nowhere else I could
turn at that moment. She had surgeries during the last two years and she
allowed me to serve her by taking her or picking her up from physical therapy
appointments. One time, she fell on some ice near our homes and she called me
to come pick up her and her dog. I was grateful that I was available and that
she thought of me as someone who could come to her rescue. During the last two
years, she has been through a terrible ongoing tragic situation. At first, she
didn’t feel comfortable telling me what had happened, so I just tried to
support her without knowing exactly what she needed. This taught me how to
“hold space” for someone, which I never understood how to do before. She has
also showed me by example how to listen carefully, ask sincere questions,
validate feelings, and love unconditionally.
In
fall 2017, she taught an online course and I decided to take it from her. It
was called Unshakable. During this eight-week class, I created a
statement that described me in conjunction with an assignment. I decided that “I
am a loyal, reliable, nurturing, situation-improving, people supporter.” This
friend also encouraged me to take the Gallup Strengths Finder test.
I learned that I lead with my strengths of Connectedness, Empathy,
Developer, Maximizer, and Woo (winning others over). That last one makes me
laugh. Here are some details from the official summary:
1.
Connectedness: “(I) have faith in the links
between all things. (I) believe there are few coincidences and that almost
every event has a reason.”
2.
Empathy: “(I) can sense the feelings of other
people by imagining (myself) in others’ lives or others' situations. ”
3.
Developer: “(I) recognize and cultivate the
potential in others. (I) spot signs of each small improvement and derive
satisfaction from these improvements.”
4.
Woo (Winning Others Over): “(I) love the
challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. (I) derive satisfaction
from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.”
5.
Maximizer: “(I) focus on strengths as a way
to stimulate personal and group excellence. (I) seek to transform something
strong into something superb.”
I
see Maximizer showing up in my visiting journey and my temple/family history
work. As part of her class, I also created a list of qualities that I hope
to develop by believing that I already am: peaceful, confident, certain,
and flexible.
I’m very grateful for this friend
and she has influenced my life for good in so many ways. She has experienced
tragic loss, has suffered through physical pain, is a cancer survivor, and has
other huge struggles in her life. Yet, she is a light in my life and the lives
of many others. Her smile lights up a room and she has brightened so many of my
difficult days. During the beginning of our friendship, we didn’t have as much
in common. However, her latest struggle has given us a difficult circumstance
in common, although we each deal with a different aspect of the similar difficulty.
When I think of authenticity, I think of her. She is confident in her
strengths, she advocates for herself, sets boundaries when she needs to, loves
with all her heart, and is perfectly imperfect. My life is so much better
because she is in it. I believe her friendship was one of the reasons we moved
here, so I consider it a divine intersection.
***
My sister is six school years
younger than I am. She is my only sister and we have three younger brothers.
Her husband flies Apache helicopters for the Army, so they have been stationed
in Alabama, Germany, and North Carolina over the past eleven years. They have
just recently moved to Colorado and I am so grateful that she is now just a nine-hour
drive away. She married her husband in the temple and now he doesn’t believe in
God. This is similar to the situation with my husband. We have both chosen to
stay in our marriages and have been a support to each other through the
especially difficult times. We also have children who are choosing lifestyles
that we didn’t hope for or plan on. These situations with our families have
been extremely sad for us and we have talked about them for hours on the phone.
When she visits Utah, we walk her dogs together and talking in person is even
more healing for both of us.
I discovered life coaching in 2018. I listen to podcasts
and webinars from three coaches trained at The Life Coach School. A complimentary
call with another one helped me finally start writing this book. However, I
found my own personal coach in a roundabout way through my sister. I clicked on
an Instagram advertisement to receive a “Guide for a More Peaceful Marriage
when you spouse has left the LDS church” on May 31, 2018. I forwarded the guide
and two follow-up emails to my sister and then unsubscribed from further emails
because I felt the need to focus on the two original coaches I discovered. My
sister must have signed up to receive the weekly emails from this coach because
she forwarded three to me at the end of May and beginning of June 2019. I asked
her to stop sending them to me because our unmarried daughter had just announced
her pregnancy earlier in May on Mother’s day and I was trying to simplify my
social media and inbox as much as possible so I had more emotional energy to
deal with my feelings about her unexpected circumstance. However, I appreciated
how much my sister cared about me and understood why she sent them. The timing
just wasn’t right.
Fast forward to the COVID-19 pandemic. Early in April
2020, I was struggling with the transitions we were all going through. One
night, I couldn’t sleep so I started looking through some old emails I had
filed. I “just happened” to come across these life coaching emails we forwarded
to each other during the previous two years. I felt strongly prompted to click
on the button for a complimentary call from the email sent in 2018. That call
happened on April 14, 2020 and it was the right fit. I paid $2,000 to work with
her for six months – one Zoom session each week for 24 weeks. The even more
miraculous part about this is that my coach doesn’t even market to women in mixed-faith
marriages anymore. She now advertises to the parents of teenagers and her
website supports that target audience. There would have been no way for me to
find her had I not saved those emails from the previous two years. We have met
together 14 times with an additional phone call so far. She has helped me
change my thinking around many of the circumstances in my life. However, I
still have a long way to go. The other tender mercy is that she is also a
recovering perfectionist that is just a little farther down the road than I am.
She understands me in ways that I don’t even understand myself yet. I can see
clearly how God has worked behind the scenes and has orchestrated our divine
intersection at precisely the time it was needed most.
Both my sister and my life coach are
also very authentic. They don’t seem to worry as much about their appearance,
they don’t take themselves too seriously, and they own everything about themselves
– flaws and all. I want to be more like them. Actually, I want to be that
comfortable in my own skin. I want to own everything about myself – flaws and
all. I have come a long way and I still have much more to learn and practice.
The model we use in coaching is: Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings
-> Actions -> Results. Circumstances trigger our thoughts
-> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our
actions -> and our actions cause the results in our
life. What we make a circumstance mean is
the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking
ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us. If the thought isn't serving us and helping
us show up as the person we want to be, then we
can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought.
This is easier said, than done. However, it
is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of
practice. We may sometimes feel that an
unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers
are strong feelings that come from our thoughts about circumstances
(the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that
can help us understand our thinking better. We can learn to feel and release negative
emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to
be through the help of our Savior.
I have learned a lot from the research and
writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who
focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability,
shame, and perfectionism. I will repeat my summary of some of her findings. Connection is what gives
meaning and purpose to our lives. It is a result of being authentic. In order
for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen.
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené shared
the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less
perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute
to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good
summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism and become more authentic. Cultivating
self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and
worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and
meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed
to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go
of “being cool” and “always in control” (117).
I
used several additional quotes from Brené in my final research paper on easing
the pressure of perfectionism in women. In that same book, she defined
perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels
this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything
perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She
explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no
such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally,
perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect”
(57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control
perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She
explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do
experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.
So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even
more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57).
She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of
the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll
experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault.
I’m feeling this way because
‘I’m not good enough’” (57).
She also explained it
this way, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it
will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from
taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy
striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up
your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need
to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience”
(57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections
that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).
Prior
to that she explained an aspect of perfectionism that described my life uncomfortably
well. “Research
shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the
path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers
to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything
out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams
that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and
disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist
(because) your self-worth is on the line”(56). She concluded,
“To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more
loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our
imperfections” (57). I long for the comfort that last sentence would
provide in my life.
Prior to a presentation
I was asked to give in August 2015 about reaching out to others in love, I read
two quotes on Instagram that resonated with me. A woman named Brooke shared
this on the churchofjesuschrist Instagram page. “Sometimes all you need in order to achieve something, go for your
dream, or believe in yourself is just someone to say: ‘Yes.’ ‘It’s good.’ ‘I
like it.’ ‘Go for it!’ ‘I believe in you.’ People
who encourage, support, and help something amazing happen by just being there,
just being themselves. We need more people like that in the world. They are not
enablers. They are not radical and simply telling you what you want to hear. They
are honest. They are genuine. They have no other motives than to be a truly
decent human being and to let their decency reflect onto someone else, to let
someone be affected in a good way.” A woman named Elle shared this insight on the same page. “… Comparison is the thief of happiness. I
have found it so important to keep
working on seeing my own divine worth and learning to love myself. I can be
happy for the success of others and see that we all have our strengths and
weaknesses on our path to eternal life.”
My challenge to all of us, especially
myself, is to not be afraid of being real and authentic. I
truly believe that genuinely being ourselves – owning everything about us, including
our flaws, will automatically help others to feel more comfortable being real
also. It’s easy to spot people who are being disingenuous and I am always drawn
to people who are comfortable just being themselves. I want to always remember
the importance of authenticity.
