Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning

* I didn't feel well today, so I rested. However, I do still want to write something. I'm going to list the college classes I may want to write about in this chapter. (I returned the next day, August 4th, to write several paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. I also added two pictures on August 15th and finished writing this chapter in a separate post that day.)

           Prior to beginning my official classes at Utah Valley University in fall 2015, I took an eight week class during the summer for adults making some kind of transition in their lives. This Successful Life Management class was offered through Turning Point and was held on UVU’s west campus. It was held twice each week and provided good practice for me to become accustomed to driving there and being on a school schedule again. At first, I chose the morning class, but ended up not feeling well one of the mornings. This program required that the class be made up that evening or you had to wait until the next set of classes to complete the program. So I attended the class that evening and it was clear almost immediately that this class was the one I needed to continue attending. The curriculum validated many of the changes I had already made up to that point. Since I was still continuing my visiting journey, it also gave me the opportunity to get to know more people. I made a point to talk with the students before and after class and became friends with two of the women. Sometimes, I talked with the teacher after class as well and felt a strong connection to her.

            This class required our attendance, but didn’t have homework or tests. However, we were each expected to make a poster that described us, which we would present during the final class. We needed to search magazines for pictures or words to use for this assignment, since we couldn’t write anything on it. A friend in our ward gave me a gift subscription to Country magazine earlier that year and it provided a variety of beautiful pictures to choose from. I decided to use the four seasons as a theme for my poster and focused on favorite activities or things I enjoyed about each season. Spring included pictures of purple wildflowers, daisies, daffodils, and rainbows. It also included  several phrases I pieced together: “Here comes the sun,” “you can change your life with every step,” “I’m always amazed by the beauty God made for us,” and “hope after the storm.” Summer included pictures of water flowing over rocks in a river, lighthouses near beaches, and sunsets, along with the phrase “walking on sunshine.” Autumn included pictures of leaves changing colors, blue sky over mountains, and the view of a full moon looking through Delicate Arch, since most of our family vacations have included Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. Winter included a picture of a little boy and girl holding hands while they walked through the snow, which represented our two children. I also included the phrase “walking in a wonderland” and a quote: “strong is the tree that bends with the wind then bounces back again.” That quote reminds me of the importance of flexibility and resilience, which are two character traits I’m constantly trying to develop. I was really happy about the way the poster turned out and John suggested that I frame it. So I stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way home from that last class, splurged, and had it framed in a large black frame with a medium blue matte. I hung it on the wall in our bedroom of the previous house and in my office of the new house. It is like a picture window looking outward to my dreams and a constant reminder of who I have become.

            When I began to take actual college classes, I realized that I needed to limit myself to six or nine credits each semester, so that I could save part of my energy for my family and visiting. It would take longer to earn a degree, but it would allow me to keep some balance in my life over the coming months and years. The goal to return to college and earn a degree is among the most difficult challenges I’ve faced and it stretched me beyond what I thought I could endure a few times. Even though I still had many stressful moments, I continued to apply the coping skills I learned over the previous years of challenging myself physically, emotionally, and socially. Another important element of my success was to attend every class (with very few exceptions) and not postpone doing homework or studying for tests. When I attended college for those two semesters as a young adult, I was overcome with anxiety and depression. However, some of that could have been avoided by steadier attendance and less procrastination. Because I allowed myself to take classes at my own speed, I enjoyed the process of learning overall, and ended up earning an associate degree with high honors – which means I earned all As (with one A- in Statistics, which was a true miracle!). I will share a few specific experiences in the paragraphs that follow.

            During my first semester in Fall 2015, I took Marriage and Relationship Skills and General Psychology on campus. In addition, I chose to take Foundations of Human Nutrition online (because I was terrified of taking college Biology and this class was a prerequisite to Nutrition 2020, which would mercifully fulfill my biology requirement). It’s not a coincidence that I took Marriage and Relationship Skills my first semester at UVU. The teacher was an adjunct professor and also an academic advisor in the Behavioral Science department. She had been through a divorce and was currently in her second marriage with several significant challenges. I was surprised at how open she was about sharing her experiences, but it created an atmosphere that felt safe for sharing our own challenging experiences. Since I was one of the only married people in that class, I ended up commenting a lot. I was open about the struggles I had over our differences in religious beliefs and used my situation as the subject of several of my papers. One of the books we studied was the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. An important lesson I learned from that book was to focus on solving the “solvable problems” (chapter 9) and “overcoming gridlock” with “perpetual problems” (chapter 11). Our differences in belief is considered a “perpetual problem.” One way to “overcome gridlock” is to “create shared meaning” (chapter 12). I realized I could do that by understanding the “shared goals” within my dream. My dream was to eventually have my family in the temple with me, but a strong component of that dream is the desire to have a happy, healthy family. So that became the important shared goal I could focus on, rather than constantly seeing the differences.

            As the semester progressed, I continued to feel strongly that I needed to connect with the teacher outside of class. There is a built-in familiarity barrier in the student/teacher relationship, but I really wanted to move past that. It helped that we were closer in age and we had several conversations after class that gradually overcame that barrier. We discovered we had some things in common and she convinced me to switch the emphasis of my Behavioral Science major from psychology to family studies. That way, she became my academic advisor for future semesters and we gradually became friends. I occasionally stopped by her office during each semester after that to discuss some of the struggles we had in common. I will always be grateful that I met her when I did because it was a key to my overall success in college.

            During this time, I also kept in touch occasionally by email with my teacher from Turning Point. I continued to ask if I could visit her one time as part of my ongoing journey. She finally agreed and met me at Kneaders one day in mid-November. She asked more about my faith journey at the beginning of our lunch and then I realized she had her own agenda for our visit. She had recently written a long paper with her husband about some controversy in the early days of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She wasn’t trying to argue with doctrine, she just felt that there was more spirituality to be found than the church was currently providing. She determined that I was inspired to ask for a visit with her so she could share that paper with me. I took it home and began to read it. Unfortunately, the combination of John’s unbelief and the different ideas I read in that paper caused me to have my own faith crisis. I talked over my concerns with two of my close friends several times and finally worked through them with their help. My Marriage and Relationship Skills teacher was a strong, supportive influence as well, although I didn’t share the details with her. My previous teacher continued to keep in touch with me by email and regretted giving the paper to me when she saw how it affected me. She asked me not to pass it along to anyone else, so I ripped it up and tried to move on. We have continued to be friends through email as well and I believe there was purpose in that struggle. I came out on the other end much stronger and more grounded in what I actually believe. That has served me well ever since.

            I became eligible for a scholarship from the Women’s Success Center at UVU because I took the class from Turning Point during the summer. I made the leap of faith, spent some time working on the essay, and applied for the scholarship. I later met with several people one day in an interview. They asked why I felt I deserved the scholarship, so I share my story of overcoming depression and anxiety through my visiting journey. They were visibly impressed and I earned a scholarship for the Spring 2016 semester. I still had some accommodations because of MS and my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, although both were currently controlled well with medicine. My previous teacher/current academic advisor helped me apply for an exception, so that I didn’t have to take the required 12 credit hours for the scholarship. The appeal was accepted and I was awarded the adjusted amount of $1,000 just after the semester began. I was grateful for that assistance, especially since John needed to pay tuition for both me and our daughter.

            During the Spring 2016 semester I took Introduction to Sociology and Introduction to Western Religions. I continued my pattern of talking with both teachers after class and learned a lot from them – both in and out of class. Two papers were required for my Western Religions class, but I asked the teacher if I could combine them into one large paper. He agreed and I wrote the paper on C.S. Lewis and The Chronicles of Narnia. I focused on the religious aspects of the author and the books in the series. I was fascinated with what I learned from my research and, although writing a research paper was an extremely stressful experience for me, I was proud of the final result. The teacher was so impressed that he gave a copy to his dad to read and I earned 100% on it. That made all the stress and effort feel worth it. In addition, the one class I wasn’t able to transfer from BYU was humanities. Therefore, I still needed to fulfill my humanities requirement, which is one of the only reasons I took this class. Plus, the poor grade I received the first time around didn’t transfer to pull down my cumulative GPA. (So, literally nothing was wasted from my previous college experiences.)  

            My Sociology teacher was an adjunct professor who attended the Lutheran church and she had been married for about 40 years to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So we spent a lot of time discussing religion and also life, in general. I walked her out to her car after class on most days, since she didn’t teach another class after ours and we continued our conversation while she smoked a couple of cigarettes before heading home. Among other things, talking with her helped me solidify my understanding of grace and I focused more on Christ’s grace in my life after that. One of the assignments for Sociology class was to attend another church and write a short paper about it. I chose to attend a Lutheran church close to our home on Palm Sunday and John came with me. It was a good experience and fit well with my Western Religions class also. I will always be grateful for the way both of those classes influenced my life for good.

Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”  

Chapter 2: A Formula for Balance

* I spent several hours this afternoon working on the content of this chapter. I'm posting what I've written so far - which basically ended up being several rearranged quotes.

An excellent formula for living a balanced life is found in the New Testament. Luke 2:52 succinctly explains, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Even in His youth, Jesus was an example of a balanced person. For many years, I have appreciated how this verse clearly describes the four main areas of our lives. “Wisdom” represents the mental or emotional aspects of our lives. “Stature” represents the physical aspect of our lives. “In favor with God” represents the spiritual aspect of our lives. “In favor with man” represents the social aspect of our lives. Recently, this verse has become the theme for the children and youth program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This program uses the phrase “areas of growth” to encourage regular goal setting and balanced personal growth.

In 2015, I gave a lesson to the women in our church congregation using parts of a talk by Jörg Klebingat. He discusses several ways to create more balance in our lives with the focus on increasing spiritual confidence. First, the growth and development of “wisdom.” He counsels, “Accept trials, setbacks, and ‘surprises’ as part of your mortal experience. Remember that you are here to be proved and tested, ‘to see if [you] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [your] God shall command [you]’ (Abraham 3:25)…. Some trials come through your own disobedience or negligence. Other trials come because of the negligence of others or simply because this is a fallen world. When these trials come, the adversary’s minions begin broadcasting that you did something wrong, that this is a punishment, a sign that Heavenly Father does not love you. Ignore that! Instead… partner with Him to endure well to the end. Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that ‘often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right’” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Second, the growth and development of “stature.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own physical well-being. Your soul consists of your body and spirit (see D&C 88:15). Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to … lowered self-esteem.” He continues, “If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body… please use good judgment in what and especially how much you eat, and regularly give your body the exercise it needs and deserves” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

As a person who struggles with eating a healthy diet, I have learned to “make the better of the bad choices,” as a first step toward making good choices in what I eat. For example, instead of eating actual chocolate, I often eat chocolate covered protein bars or drink a chocolate protein shake. Instead of eating ice cream, I may eat frozen yogurt topped with fruit or a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats with 1% milk. I've also learned to make a good choice when I'm still struggling to make an optimal choice. For example, I don't like the taste of water, so I choose to drink Strawberry Kiwi Propel instead. That is probably a better choice than carbonated, caffeinated soda (although I'm still missing the pure benefits of water). I feel that it's better to head in the general direction of eating well, than to just give up on healthy eating entirely. I struggle with exercising too, so I choose to just “move my body more.” For me, one of the best ways to do that is to walk as often as I can in the sunshine and fresh air. Elder Klebingat concludes, “Spiritual confidence increases when your spirit, with the help of the Savior, is truly in charge of your natural man or woman” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Third, growing and developing “in favor with God.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own spiritual well-being…. Voluntarily and joyfully repent of sins, both small and great, in real time by applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ…. Acknowledge that you cannot love God without also loving His commandments…. Truly [strive] for the right reasons, to live a consecrated life in spite of your imperfections!” Fourth, growing and developing in “favor with man.” He counsels, “Don’t hold grudges, don’t be easily offended, forgive and forget quickly.... Spiritual confidence increases when you know that the Lord knows that you bear no ill feelings toward another soul” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Chapter 5: Word of the Year

* I have hit a mental block each time I've tried to write beyond the first chapter of this book. That happened again today and I felt discouraged all over again. However, I don't want to quit this time.

I spent a couple hours this afternoon polishing the rough draft of chapter 5. I'm posting it now, even though I'm sure there will be changes in the future. (I actually added more detail and finished polishing it the next day!) I want to continue the momentum I've started, so I won't be going in order and I may only post fragments of a chapter in the future.

Choosing a Word of the Year is a guilt-free substitute for making New Year’s resolutions. For the past decade, I have chosen to look at life through the lens of a word, rather than making a list of resolutions in January. So far, my words have been: Joy (2010), Organize (2011), Decide (2012), Focus (2013), Balance (2014), Organize – again!(2105), Learn (2016), Perspective (2017), Peace (2018), and Temple (2019). It has been amazing to see how these words have literally shaped and changed my life each year.

In 2010, I was still struggling daily with debilitating depression. When I learned about this concept from a blog I followed, I took a leap of faith and chose joy as my word that year. In the fall, I started walking occasionally and began to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, and beauty of nature. I learned the powerful lesson that I can choose joy – even if I don't feel it yet. 

 In 2011, the word I chose was organize. That year, I gradually organized my life around three spiritual habits. Previously, the depression and anxiety I experienced caused me to fear leaving the house and my world became very small. In April, I returned to weekly church attendance and my world slowly expanded. In June, I began again to read daily in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Since I had developed my confidence with weekly church attendance, I was also able to begin attending the temple each week in the fall. 

In addition, I went through and consolidated my huge containers of clutter that were stored at my parents’ house before they left to serve a mission at BYU-Hawaii. I learned two important lessons relating to clutter during that year. First, having money to spend doesn't obligate you to spend that money on more stuff that you probably won't use. Second, I will never be satisfied by what I don't need. Therefore, I started learning to better distinguish between needs and wants.

 In 2012, the word I chose was decide. That year, I decided to deliberately build good foundational habits. For example, I chose to form the basic daily habits of flossing my teeth, doing the dishes, wiping our bathroom and kitchen counters, making our bed, doing floor exercises, and practicing the piano. Each time a habit became more automatic, I added the next and then the next. In August of that year, my husband told me he didn't share the same spiritual beliefs that I always thought he had. So I deliberately decided to be 100% in. I needed to be all in with loyalty to both my family and my faith, along with continued self-improvement.

In 2013, the word I chose was focus. During the previous three years, I developed enough confidence to begin turning the focus away from me and onto other people. That fall, I began to visit women in our neighborhood and began walking with a few of them, instead of just walking alone. I learned that what I focus on will grow. In 2014, I chose the word balance. During that year, I began to find the proper balance between reaching out to others and spending time at home.

During 2014 (and every year since), I learned more about weighing what is most valuable in the current moment. We each have a limited amount of time, money, and energy to spend – and it varies from person to person. I learned to evaluate whether I had more time, money, or energy and that would help me know how to allocate those in a more balanced way. I also learned to describe my energy in terms of time blocks or light bulbs. Family, friends, personal care, housework, hobbies, and church/community responsibilities each represent one energy block or light bulb. If I only had four energy blocks on a certain day, then I could only choose four of those areas to spend my time and energy on without becoming overly depleted.

In 2015, I chose the word organize again. I revisited this word by going through all the clutter containers that I brought home from my parents' house a second time. I learned to break big projects or overwhelming changes into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, when I organized my closet with clear containers on the shelves, then each item became more accessible and decluttering became less overwhelming. I also learned that having an "in process" section in my closet (for clothes that have been worn, but don't need to be washed yet) helped me avoid piling them elsewhere. 

External organization often affects me internally as well. In 2011, it created space in my heart for renewed spiritual habits. This time, it made space for me to return to college when our daughter started attending UVU that fall. In 2016, I continued that momentum by choosing the word learn. I attended college classes during all three semesters of that year and I even faced my fear of taking math again. We also made the decision to move across town and learned a lot as we began working with the builder in October.

 In 2017, I chose the word perspective. That year gave me many opportunities to develop new perspectives in different aspects of my life. We packed our belongings and moved from the home we had lived in for nineteen years. Our son was born shortly after we moved into that original home, so it was difficult to leave a home and neighborhood which held many years of memories for us. Perspective shifts also occurred as we adjusted to our life in a new home and neighborhood. Then I felt strongly prompted to withdraw from UVU a couple weeks after the fall semester began. That unexpected decision led to other adjustments in perspective, which included beginning marriage therapy with my husband and attempting to begin writing this book.

In 2018, I chose the word peace, which helped me learn to become more content with some of the perspective shifts of the previous year. In 2019, I chose the word temple and spent much more time worshiping in those sacred buildings. This also continued to increase my peace and develop my eternal perspective, which I will discuss more fully in the next chapter.

I neglected to choose a word for the first half of this year, partially because I became a grandma and then this unprecedented worldwide pandemic occurred. I began working with a life coach in April and I recently decided to choose the word remember for the remainder of this year. I would like to remember more fully what I’ve learned and overcome, but especially how God has blessed me through it all.

Part 1: Finding Balance

            Life often feels like a roller coaster with its slow climbs and fast drops. We dread Mondays and can’t wait until Fridays. Summer feels too hot and winter feels too cold. Road construction seems to be ongoing with the accompanying bumps and detours and unexpected waits.
            Being human is also unpredictable. We “get up on the wrong side of the bed” and everything seems to go wrong for no obvious reason. Or we have a “bad hair day,” which is not only a bad day, but one that is characterized by our hair being particularly unmanageable. There is also an “ebb and flow” in our relationships and just when we figure out a new way of approaching them, the dynamic changes again.
            Sometimes when life feels especially difficult, it’s as if a rug has been unexpectedly pulled out from under us. We flail our arms so we don’t completely lose our balance, but occasionally we do fall down on our back side. This momentarily knocks the wind out of us and causes us to look around and wonder how or why it happened. Or maybe we’re experiencing a type of storm in our lives with rain pouring down and the wind threatening to blow us over. During those difficult times, it may feel as if the ocean waves crash over us faster than we can prepare for or recover from. It feels increasingly difficult to catch our breath and our muscles feel weak from trying to stay afloat. Then, when we do survive, we worry about when “the other shoe will drop.”
            Does any of that sound familiar? Many of those phrases are clichés, but there is a reason they are used so often. We are all in this human plight together. We can learn to “enjoy the journey” or cause unnecessary pain for ourselves and others by complaining that it’s not fair. We can easily fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others and believing the “grass is greener on the other side.” The truth is, the grass is actually greener where you water it.
            I returned to college four years ago and three words have repeatedly caught my attention: homeostasis, equilibrium, and resilience. Homeostasis is defined as the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes. Equilibrium is defined as a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced. Resilience is defined as the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape.
            I especially appreciate a second definition of resilience: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. This is sometimes called emotional toughness, flexibility, or adaptability. It’s basically the ability to pick yourself up after you fall or to bounce back after you’ve survived a difficult experience. In addition, steadiness and stability are synonyms for equilibrium.
            I often wish I had developed a little more flexibility, adaptability, and steadiness over my lifetime. The first section of my book will be about learning to develop those skills.