Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning (part 2)

 

          I actively avoided taking any math or English classes during my first two semesters, but I couldn’t put them off much longer. I finally felt brave enough to register for Math 990 during Summer semester 2016. This was an expensive four credit class (which was required, since I hadn’t taken any math classes since 1989 in high school). However, it was only a prerequisite and didn’t count toward any degree. So several academic advisors recommended that I take a $45 class called Math Leap instead. I took another “leap of faith” and dropped the math class, but the advisor over Math Leap explained that I could even pay a little less by purchasing a personal copy of the ALEKS program to work on at home. (I volunteered to take notes in Sociology class for a student who had those accommodations and I ended up getting paid $50, which offset the cost!) ALEKS is an acronym for Assessment and Learning in Knowledge Spaces. It’s an online tutoring and assessment program that intuitively focuses on what you need help with the most, while skipping skills you’ve already mastered. I diligently worked through math problems each day for over seven weeks. I was nervous to take the test, but I finally did at the end of June. I scored 36, which placed me in Math 1010, but I didn’t want to settle for the general math class. I decided to continue studying and took the test again on July 5^th. That time, I scored 55, which placed me in Math 1040 (Introduction to Statistics - the math class suggested for Behavioral Science majors). I was so proud of myself for sticking with it and was asked to be in a testimonial video for ALEKS later that semester. 

            Meanwhile, my therapist and psychiatrist recommended that I apply for a grant from a government program called Vocational Rehabilitation. It forced me out of my comfort zone to meet with the counselor there, but I’m grateful I did. No scholarships are available for summer semester and Voc. Rehab. just happened to have a surplus around that same time, so they made a one-time payment of $1,525 to cover the tuition for my other two classes. One of those classes was Introduction to Film and I took it online with our daughter to fulfill our fine arts requirement. We watched several movies together and had to write papers on a few of them, but it ended up being relatively fun. The other class was English 1010 and it was not fun at all. I took it during first block of Summer semester, which meant the schedule was condensed and accelerated. I was required to write five short papers and five long papers in seven weeks. The stress from that caused an MS relapse and I ended up having to wear a knee brace over my jeans for an entire year after that. However, one paper was a review, so that gave my husband and I a chance to revisit the Springville Museum of Art, which is where my bridal pictures were taken back in 1995. I chose to write the final paper on a religious topic and I had several insightful conversations with my teacher about it, so those two experiences made it feel worthwhile.

            I qualified for a $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center for the Fall 2016 semester. I applied that toward Introduction to Statistics and Contemporary Families (which fulfilled my Global Intercultural requirement ). I volunteered to take notes in Statistics class for another student with those accommodations and received $50 again, so that helped pay for one of the textbooks. Taking notes for someone else required me to pay closer attention than I may have normally, so I probably owe my A- to that, because I didn’t really understand very much of it. In Contemporary Families class, we were divided into groups of five students, who became our family for the semester. I grew close to them during our time together and even invited them to our home for dinner and a hike up the hill behind the cemetery as our final activity. We sat and talked as we watched the sunset, which I really enjoyed. I kept in touch with two of the female students for awhile after that and was grateful for the chance to get to know them better outside of class.

            We decided to build our new home with a functional main level during Fall semester, since my leg still hadn’t recovered from the MS relapse. That meant we would be moving in the middle of Spring 2017 semester, so I decided to take both of my classes online, instead of having the added stress of traveling to and from campus. I qualified for another $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center and applied that toward my two online classes during Spring semester. One was Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences, which is the only upper division class I’ve ever taken. I wanted to ride the momentum from ALEKS and Introduction to Stats, since this would be the last math class I would have to take for my entire degree. The textbook was online and was written by the professor who taught the class. During the first week of class, he offered $100 cash to any student who was good at proofreading. So I told him I would volunteer if no one else did and I started to make some notes for possible corrections as I went along. I assumed someone else was actually doing it, so I didn’t feel pressure, but he told me later that I was the only one. He invited me to his office, so he could pay me, after I took the first test in the testing center. It was really nice to meet him in person, since his videos were very helpful and I knew his voice so well from watching them. It ended up being much more difficult to proofread after chapter eight, partially because of the difficulty of the material and also because we were packing and preparing to move. I told him I could return the $100 bill, but he said I had earned that and more already. I appreciated the way he graciously allowed me out of “the contract.”

            The other online class I took during Spring 2017 semester was Stress Management with a focus on Hardiness. That was the perfect class to provide therapy for the stress I felt while packing, moving, and unpacking during the semester. Since it worked so well the previous year, our daughter and I took Introduction to Meteorology online for Summer 2017 semester. It wasn’t nearly as fun as the film class, but I have always loved looking at the different types of clouds as I’ve walked. So learning about each type and being able to name them when I saw them in the sky made it worthwhile for me. Our daughter didn’t like anything about the class, but at least it met the requirement for one of our two physical science classes.  

            Unexpected changed occurred during Fall semester 2017. I registered for Positive Psychology (which was taught by my previous Intro. to Sociology teacher) and Interpersonal Relationship Skills. I was feeling discouraged going into the semester, so I felt like these classes were perfectly timed. In Positive Psychology, we learned about positive affirmations and our first assignment was to write five affirmations on index cards. Since I was feeling so discouraged, I decided to make four extra sets of them and used a black marker so they would stand out. I focused specifically on areas where I wanted to improve. The first set included: I am enough, I am capable, I make a difference in my family, I assume the best, I forgive myself and others. The second set included: I am resilient, I am brave, I am calm and confident, I am stronger because of every “failure” or mistake, I focus on “small or something.” The third set included: I have good ideas, I make good decisions, I have my own opinions, I am a successful student, I know and respect my limits. The fourth set included: I am grateful, I stay in the present, I look for the everyday miracles surrounding me, I have eternal perspective, I am making progress. The fifth set included: I am anchored by faith, hope, and love; I am saved through Christ’s grace, I have faith that God keeps his promises, I walk to show God that I love my legs; I triumph daily over depression, anxiety, and MS.  

            I also made cards with other motivational quotes and thoughts on them. They included: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass), “Let go and let God,” God works through me to bless others, “Things will work out” (Gordon B. Hinckley), and “Gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” In addition, I made a card with three common thinking errors that I easily fall into. It read, Avoid “all or nothing” / “always or never” / “should.” Our second assignment was to listen to a YouTube recording of  “The Strangest Secret in the World” by Earl Nightingale. This is a summary of the recording, “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” I also simplified it and made three more index cards: “Success is the progressive realization of a worth ideal;” We become what we think about; Believe and succeed. I carried all 35 of these index cards in a Ziploc bag inside my binder. I took them out and read through them three times each day. My goal was very general. I just wanted to live a more balanced life – by focusing on emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. So I began our third assignment, which was a 30-day challenge, with that goal in mind. We weren't supposed to plan how it would happen. We were just supposed to put all our faith and emotional energy into living positively and the way to achieve our goal would be opened to us.

            I sent the following email to my teacher on Saturday evening, which was September 2, 2017 (just a week into this process.) “You know how I'm putting all my positive thoughts into living a balanced life? My husband and I were talking this evening about how we're still having some big obstacles in our marriage. It had never occurred to me that my going to college is one of them. But he keeps saying that I ‘go away’ emotionally each semester and the breaks in between aren't long enough to recover the ground we've lost. I have noticed that he's right and I've tried not to, but school is stressful and I can only concentrate on a few things at a time in life before my brain feels like it's going to explode. Well, a definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ This evening, it hit me all of a sudden that I need to not do school anymore. As soon as I had this thought, I stopped crying and felt total peace. That was the total opposite solution that I thought I would come to! John didn't suggest it and I didn't feel pressured into it. It just suddenly became crystal clear to me. My scholarship appeal was approved yesterday, so it isn't because I'm feeling pressured or overwhelmed. In fact, I couldn't be in a better mindset to succeed. So I think I have now found my answer that will lead to a balanced life. I have the materials we were going to study this semester and I plan to continue keeping the gratitude journal and reviewing my affirmation cards. However, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences of the past six years and I kept saying that I would when I finish with college – in five years. But I think this is the time. I really want to drop my two classes now, but I'm going to sleep on it. I don't want to make a mistake, but I really feel like this is the path I should take. So let me know what you think. However, if I still feel strongly about it tomorrow, I think I'm just going to act, since the drop deadline is Tuesday. If this is my answer, then you can consider this my preview essay for the 30-day challenge. Wow! I had no idea it would really work! And I'm only a week into the challenge!”

            My teacher supported me in my decision and I met her on Tuesday to talk more about it on campus. I also met with my academic advisor, who had then become a good friend. She helped me fill out the paper work to withdraw completely from school. Then I went around and thanked a few of my teachers in the family studies department before heading home. When I arrived home, I started to panic a little bit because now the pressure was on to improve my marriage and write the book. I remembered that my friend saw a therapist with her husband, so I looked up the website. I called to explain our situation and they recommended a therapist. When I saw her picture on the website, I knew she was the right one. I ended up meeting with her five times on my own and five additional times with John. We were making good progress when she told me her husband had joined the military and they would be moving to Las Vegas. I decided to stop seeing her professionally and asked if I could meet her a couple more times in a casual setting before they moved. She talked with her supervisor and made the exception. So we met once at Café Rio. Then she met me two other times with her two little boys, once at the park and once at Chick-fil-A, so they could play while we talked. I’m grateful for the progress John and I made during those three months of therapy.

            During that time, I also tried to start writing this book. However, I could never decide how to organize it and moving forward with the writing just felt too overwhelming. So I decided to just try to write it as a personal history, but that ended up becoming family history in January 2018 – which became a whole other part of my journey. (I write about that in chapter 32.) Meanwhile, I also discovered a couple of life coaches online. Brooke Castillo started The Life Coach School and Jody Moore was trained by her. Jody is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coaches with those values. I listened to several free webinars, poured through information on their websites, and took copious notes. I even thought I might want to become a life coach, but then I felt prompted to return to college and finish my associate degree instead. It felt ridiculous to head in that direction again, but I know better than to second-guess those strong promptings.

            I registered for Summer 2018 semester at UVU and took Introduction to Geology, which fulfilled my second and final physical science requirement. My classroom was in the Pope Science building right next to the opening where the large pendulum swings. There are also several cases filled with different types of rocks in that area of the building, which were fascinating to look at before and after class. I volunteered to take notes for another student who had those accommodations, so that helped me to focus much more closely than I probably would have otherwise (and I earned another $50, which helped pay for my textbook). The teacher had some conflicts toward the end of the semester, so we were given the option to write a final paper or study the slides for the last few chapters on our own and take the final exam in the testing center. I opted for the latter. By that time, I learned how to take notes from the slides in a way that was helpful for my brain to remember them.

            The last chapter was on evolution and it was a little unsettling to me. So I read a lot of extra information and decided that I fall into the camp of “evolutionary creationism,” which means I believe God uses a type of evolution within His creation process. To me, that is basically a loose definition of eternal progression, which I write about in the final chapter of this book. I also realized that I lean more toward Christian universalism in my spiritual beliefs, while still staying true to my core beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe “everyone wins” in God’s plan because we all basically decide where we will end up in eternity and how comfortable we will be there by our choices and actions in this life. That strengthened my belief in the importance of agency, along with the reality of God’s unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

            During the Fall 2018 semester I took Nutrition through the Lifecycle (to fulfill my Biology requirement) and Introduction to Social Work. That was the first year of teaching for my nutrition teacher and I really enjoyed her casual and helpful approach. I sat by a female student in both classes that I became friends with and I met them outside of class several times to study for tests. That made the semester much more enjoyable. I also became friends with a recovered heroin user in my social work class. She returned to college after having a baby and cleaning up her life. I was impressed with her authenticity, her dedication to making good choices, and her courage in achieving her goals.

            We were each required to participate in 20 service hours outside of social work class, which was the most difficult part of the semester for me. I decided to volunteer with the English conversation club. So I met a Chinese woman several times on campus and once at her home to help her practice speaking English. I enjoyed getting to know her in the process. I also joined a Spanish woman in her English class a few times to help her with the vocabulary, exercises, and activities in her workbook. She knew very little English, but it was fun trying to figure out how to communicate with body language and also a little help from Google Translate. I still needed several more volunteer hours, so I contacted a woman in our previous ward who taught fourth grade at Westmore Elementary. She agreed to let me help two boys who needed additional practice with math and reading skills. I took them out in the hall and tutored them there. I became extra close with one of the boys and she asked me to focus all my attention on him during the last few visits. An interesting side note is that I attended Westmore Elementary for first, second, and third grade between 1978 and 1981. It was a very old building then and has since been remodeled. I’m grateful for the chance I had to try to make a difference in the lives of those two women and that boy.

            I was really nervous about taking Ethics and Values, so I took that class by itself during Spring 2019 semester. I had previously dropped that class within the first week during several other semesters because I just didn’t feel good about the teacher or syllabus. So I knew I needed to make it work this time. This teacher was head of the Philosophy department and Director of the Center for Ethics at the university, so he treated it like an upper division class. That made it easier in a way, but also more stressful in other ways. The only assignments during the entire semester were a midterm exam, a research paper, a group debate, and a final exam (which ended up being several essay answers submitted from home). Ever since I was a teenager, I have appreciated this quote by Plato, “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.” I was grateful to learn about Socrates and Plato because I knew very little about them before taking the class. In fact, I chose to write my research paper about them. I decided to compare and contrast Socrates and Plato with Jesus and Paul. It was an extremely broad, but very fascinating topic for me. I was paired with a difficult student for the group debate, but the preparation taught me a lot about patience. I also learned how to prepare a power point presentation for the first time and presenting in front of the class helped me face some of my fears. I learned to look at ideas from different perspectives as I listened to the professor’s lectures, participated in the class discussions, and attended campus events on religion and sexual orientation for extra credit. I also appreciated talking with the professor occasionally after class.

            I decided to take my remaining three classes at the Institute of Religion to earn my diploma over the summer. So my last semester at UVU occurred during Fall 2019. Because I was only able to transfer 7.66 credits from my previous college experiences in 1990 and 1992, I was required to take an extra one credit class in order to meet the minimum requirement of 60 credits for an associate degree. If I wanted an associate degree in Behavioral Science, I would need to take Social/Cultural Anthropology, which was a three credit class and is another one I had dropped several times during the first week in previous semesters. My other option was an online Library Research class, which was one credit. Neither felt like good options, but I chose Library Research and downgraded my associate degree to a basic University Studies degree. The other class I had been putting off was English 2010. So I finally took the darn intermediate writing class. The two main assignments were a personal dilemma paper and a research paper with annotated bibliography. So my online Library Research class ended up being the perfect class to take with it, since the main assignment was an annotated bibliography. I decided to write my paper on how to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women. So I worked on half of the annotated bibliography for that topic in Library Research and finished the requirements for that class about a month early. During that time, I wrote and submitted both drafts of the personal dilemma paper in English. That left the rest of the semester to focus on finishing the annotated bibliography and writing the research paper. I had a couple of mini-nervous breakdowns, but ended up with a paper I was proud of. I appreciated my professor’s kindness and helpful feedback during the entire writing process. She was the exact teacher I needed for that class. We had different views about religion, but she was very respectful and I learned a lot from her.  I turned in the final paper a couple weeks before the semester was over and her only feedback was that I should put it up on a blog so others could read it. I eventually followed that counsel and it has been the perfect accountability tool for finally writing this book. I ended up with 60.66 credits and an associate degree – with high honors. I believe each class and each teacher taught me valuable life lessons and I will always be grateful for the entire experience.

Part 5: Part of Something Bigger Than Self

 

            My original plan for this book was to focus more on the emotional recovery side of my journey. I didn’t expect to spend as much time writing about spiritual topics. However, I am a believer in Jesus and that ends up permeating a person’s whole life. I’m so grateful that it does!  This is the part of the book where I glory in “my Jesus” and how He has blessed my life. My visiting journey taught me how to reach out to others more like He would. My experience in college and at Institute enlarged my perspective and helped me understand new ways of approaching relationships and the circumstances in my life. This section focuses on family history, temple work, and continued gospel learning – which has given me a glimpse of how all-encompassing Heavenly Father’s plan is for each of us, His children. .

            Spencer W. Kimball was the prophet of my childhood. I once read a biography of his wife, Camilla, when I stayed with my paternal grandparents while my parents were on a trip to the Holy Land. That book is on my shelf today and it is one of the only items I have that remind me of my grandma. Just before my third birthday, Spencer W. Kimball taught, “It is by serving that we learn how to serve. When we are engaged in the service of our fellowmen, not only do our deeds assist them, but we put our own problems in a fresher perspective. When we concern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves. In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves. (See Matthew 10:39.) Not only do we ‘find’ ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls…. it is easier to ‘find’ ourselves because there is so much more of us to find! ... Of course, we all need to be loved, but we must be giving and not always receiving if we want to have wholeness in our lives and a reinforced sense of purpose…. Wherever we serve and whomever we serve, however, it is important for us to get outside ourselves and to be genuinely interested in others” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

            He continues, “Sometimes the solution is not to change our circumstance, but to change our attitude about that circumstance; difficulties are often opportunities for service….If we are not careful, we can be injured by the frostbite of frustration; we can be frozen in place by the chill of unmet expectations. To avoid this we must—just as we would with arctic coldness—keep moving, keep serving, and keep reaching out, so that our own immobility does not become our chief danger…. There is great security in spirituality, and we cannot have spirituality without service! So often, however, what we need by way of encouragement… to serve others is to simply be stirred in our memory by the Spirit concerning the things we already know, rather than receiving new inspiration and revelation. … The Holy Ghost stirs our memory as well as our understanding. We must then do what we already know is right—the simple things, the straightforward things, and the specific things….so that we can have the influence of the Holy Ghost and have his constant companionship to guide us, to direct us. His guidance is far more important than the learning of techniques, although these can be helpful…. If you were to select just two or three individuals in your life who have been most influential, what specifically did they do that was helpful to you at critical or important times in your life?  On reflecting for a few moments, you (may) conclude that such a person really cared for you, that he or she took time for you, or that he or she taught you something you needed to know…. Most often someone has served and helped us by giving us love and understanding, by taking time to assist us, and by showing us the way through the light of their own example. I cannot stress enough, therefore, the importance of our doing these same things for those who now depend upon us, just as we have depended upon others to serve us in the past… If we focus on simple principles and simple acts of service, we will… find ourselves becoming less concerned with our organizational identity and more concerned with our true and ultimate identity as a son or daughter of our Father in heaven and helping others to achieve the same sense of belonging.” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974). Being willing and able to serve each other without assignments is the beginning of a unified, Christlike community. It is the essence of ministering. It something I try to work toward every day, with varied success.

            He concluded, “In this connection, we must never lose sight of Jesus Christ as our grand example. Jesus said in his instructions to the Nephite disciples: ‘Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up—that which ye have seen me do. …’(3 Nephi 18:24.)… One of the advantages of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that it gives us perspective about the people on this planet, including ourselves, so that we can see the things that truly matter and avoid getting caught up in the multiplicity of lesser causes that vie for the attention of mankind….  (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

Chapter 34 ~ Eternal Progression … The Journey Continues

I found most of the material for this chapter this morning. These quotes displaced the ones I had planned to use, so I believe they are inspired. I learned a lot as I was piecing them together.

 

            Eternal progression is a phrase that may seem hopeful to some and daunting to others. I fall in the hopeful camp. I believe it means we get unlimited chances to try again…and again… and again to improve upon our past and progress. This is possible because of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan, which is centered on the atonement of Jesus Christ. I wrote about a few of my ancestors in the previous chapter. I believe they listened to Russell M. Nelson on April 1, 2018, when he said, “Our message to the world is simple and sincere: we invite all of God’s children on both sides of the veil to come unto their Savior, receive the blessings of the holy temple, have enduring joy, and qualify for eternal life” (“Let Us All Press On,” Ensign, May 2018). I believe my ancestors acted on that invitation from a prophet of God because their names were forwarded to me from my sister on April 5^th and my mom on April 6^th. My desire is to always do my best to follow the counsel of God’s prophet as well.

            This quote by Neal A. Maxwell fills my heart with hope. “What we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity. …’For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts’ (D&C 137:8–9).…God thus takes into merciful account not only our desires and our performance, but also the degrees of difficulty which our varied circumstances impose upon us. No wonder we will not complain at the final judgment, especially since even the telestial kingdom’s glory ‘surpasses all understanding’ (D&C 76:89) (“According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Ensign, November 1996).

            In February 2019, my good friend and ministering sister shared a comforting and reassuring quote with me about eternal progression. She read it in a chapter with the title “The Saving Christ” written by Terry and Fiona Givens. “Elder James E. Talmage wrote in the first edition of the Church-published Articles of Faith, ‘advancement from grade to grade within any kingdom, and from kingdom to kingdom, will be provided for … Eternity is progressive.’ He later elaborated, no man will be detained in the lower regions ‘longer than is necessary to bring him to a fitness for something better. When he reaches that stage the… doors will open and there will be rejoicing among the hosts who welcome him to a better state.’ Slightly later, President Joseph F. Smith taught that ‘there is a time after this mortal life, and there is a way provided by which we may fulfil the measure of our creation and destiny, and accomplish the whole great work that we have been sent to do, although it may reach far into the future before we fully accomplish it. Jesus had not finished his work when his body was slain, neither did he finish it after his resurrection from the dead, although he had accomplished the purpose for which he then came to earth, he had not fulfilled all his work. And when will he? Not until he has redeemed and saved every son and daughter of our father Adam that has or ever will be born upon the earth to the end of time…’” (The Christ Who Heals,” p.119).

            In one of my favorite talks on faith, Neil L. Andersen explained, “Faith is a principle of power, important not only in this life but also in our progression beyond the veil. By the grace of Christ, we will one day be saved through faith on His name.” (“Faith is Not by Chance, but By Choice,” Ensign, May 2015).

            In Summer 2019, an Institute teacher reminded me about an instructive quote by Henry B. Eyring, which continues to help me redirect my thoughts from worrying about the future. “Building faith in Jesus Christ is the beginning of reversing spiritual decline in your family and in your home. That faith is more likely to bring repentance than your preaching against each symptom of spiritual decline. You will best lead by example. Family members and others must see you growing in your own faith in Jesus Christ and in His gospel…. You will find some of your greatest joys in your efforts to make your home a place of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and a place that is permeated with love, the pure love of Christ. … Some have tried with full heart for that blessing, yet it has not been granted. My promise to you is one that a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once made to me. I had said to him that because of choices some in our extended family had made, I doubted that we could be together in the world to come. He said, as well as I can remember, ‘You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.’ I believe that he would extend that happy hope to any of us in mortality who have done all we can to qualify ourselves and our family members for eternal life. I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is a plan of happiness. I testify that His plan makes it possible for each of us who has done the best we can to be sealed in a family forever. I know that the priesthood keys restored to Joseph Smith were passed on in an unbroken line to President Russell M. Nelson. Those keys make possible the sealing of families today. I know that Heavenly Father loves us, His spirit children, with a perfect love” (“A Home Where the Spirit of the Lord Dwells,” Ensign, May 2019).

            Larry R. Lawrence explained, “The Spirit can show us our weaknesses, but He is also able to show us our strengths. Sometimes we need to ask what we are doing right so that the Lord can lift and encourage us. When we read our patriarchal blessings, we are reminded that our Heavenly Father knows our divine potential. He rejoices every time we take a step forward. To Him, our direction is ever more important than our speed” (“What Lack I Yet,” Ensign, Nov. 2015).

            Henry B. Eyring explained, “…You can find the word remember throughout the scriptures…. My message is an invitation…  to remember. Here are three suggestions about what you could remember each week when you partake of the sacred emblems of the sacrament. I hope they are helpful to you, as they have been to me. First, remember the Savior. Remember who He was while on earth, how He spoke to others, and how He showed kindness in His acts. Remember whom He spent time with and what He taught. The Savior “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38)…. Most of all, we can remember the great price He paid, out of His love for us, to remove the stain of our sins. As we remember Him, our desire to follow Him will grow. We will want to be a little kinder, more forgiving, and more willing to seek the will of God and do it.

…It’s hard to think of the Savior—His purity and perfection—without also thinking of how flawed and imperfect we are in comparison. We have made covenants to obey His commandments, yet we frequently fall short of this high standard. But the Savior knew this would happen, which is why He gave us the ordinance of the sacrament.” (“Always Remember Him,” Ensign, Feb. 2018),

            He continued with counsel that has been very helpful for me over the past couple of years. “As you examine your life during the ordinance of the sacrament, I hope your thoughts center not only on things you have done wrong but also on things you have done right—moments when you have felt that Heavenly Father and the Savior were pleased with you. You may even take a moment during the sacrament to ask God to help you see these things. If you do, I promise you will feel something. You will feel hope. When I have done this, the Spirit has reassured me that while I’m still far from perfect, I’m better today than I was yesterday. And this gives me confidence that, because of the Savior, I can be even better tomorrow….No matter how well you keep your promise to always remember Him, He always remembers you. The Savior knows your challenges. He knows what it is like to have the cares of life press upon you. He knows how urgently you need the blessing that comes from always remembering Him and obeying Him—“that [you] may always have his Spirit to be with [you]” (D&C 20:77; emphasis added). So He welcomes you back to the sacrament table each week, once again offering you the chance to witness before Him that you will always remember Him.” (“Always Remember Him,” Ensign, Feb. 2018),

            Neal A. Maxwell explained, “For the faithful, our finest hours are sometimes during or just following our darkest hours.…With an understanding of God’s plan of salvation, we know that the rejoicing, the striving, the suffering, the tutoring, and the enduring experiences of life all play their part in an intelligible process of helping us, if we will, to become, as the Savior beckoningly invited, ‘even as I am.’ (3 Ne. 27:27)…The plan always points the way, but does not always smooth the way, since individual development requires an ‘opposition in all things.’ (2 Ne. 2:11.) The Lord will give us the needed intellectual and spiritual confirmation concerning His plan, but on His terms and in His own way.…Unsurprisingly, therefore, this mortal school produces some soaring triumphs but also a history filled with individual mistakes. But we should not blame the school, nor the curriculum! Least of all, the Schoolmaster! (“The Great Plan of the Eternal God,” Ensign, May 1984).

            In another talk, Neal A. Maxwell continued, “God delights in blessing us, especially when we realize ‘joy in that which [we] have desired’ (D&C 7:8).…It is up to us. God will facilitate, but He will not force.…Even a spark of desire can begin change. The prodigal son, sunk in despair, nevertheless desired and ‘came to himself,’ determining that ‘I will arise and go to my father’ (Luke 15:17–18).…Fortunately for us, our loving Lord will work with us, ‘even if [we] can [do] no more than desire to believe,’ providing we will ‘let this desire work in [us]’ (Alma 32:27)….Only by educating and training our desires can they become our allies instead of our enemies!…It is up to us. Therein lies life’s greatest and most persistent challenge. Thus when people are described as ‘having lost their desire for sin,’ it is they, and they only, who deliberately decided to lose those wrong desires by being willing to ‘give away all [their] sins’ in order to know God (Alma 22:18).… a loving God will work with us, but the initiating particle of desire which ignites the spark of resolve must be our own! It all takes time. Said the Prophet Joseph: “The nearer man approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin; and like the ancients, arrives at that point of faith where he is wrapped in the power and glory of his Maker and is caught up to dwell with Him. But we consider that this is a station to which no man ever arrived in a moment” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 51). Thus the work of eternity is not done in a moment, but, rather, in ‘process of time.’ Time works for us when our desires do likewise! (“According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Ensign, November 1996).

            Thomas S. Monson encouraged, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now…” (“Finding Joy in the Journey,” Ensign, Nov. 2008).

            One of my Institute teachers reminded me of a poem titled “The Dash” by Linda Ellis. It helped motivate some of my changes between 2008 and 2012. Perhaps it will remind you of some changes you might make as well.

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.

To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

 and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile…

 remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?

 

            I once watched a YouTube video about a hospice nurse and chaplain named Becki Hawkins who witnessed the end of life suffering of many patients over 30 years. She wrote a book about the lessons she learned from those patients and also spoke to a small gathering of people in October 2012. Part of her conclusion resonated with me (at about the 44 minute mark). “I’m not afraid of dying… I believe that we are beautiful, spiritual beings who are here for a very, very brief time in these clay vessels to learn lessons for our souls and to learn how to love one another better. To learn how to treat each other the way that God wants us to treat each other.”

            Another poem that helped me through many discouraging days during my growing up years is “Don’t Quit” by John Greenleaf Whittier. Perhaps it will uplift you also.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

 

            Henry B. Eyring taught, “My reassurance is this: the loving God who allowed these tests for you also designed a sure way to pass through them. Heavenly Father so loved the world that He sent His Beloved Son to help us. His Son, Jesus Christ, gave His life for us. Jesus Christ bore in Gethsemane and on the cross the weight of all our sins. He experienced all the sorrows, the pains, and the effects of our sins so that He could comfort and strengthen us through every test in life…. As I have pondered the covenant words and corresponding blessings promised, I have wondered what it means to be willing to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ. President Dallin H. Oaks explains: ‘It is significant that when we partake of the sacrament we do not witness that we take upon us the name of Jesus Christ. We witness that we are willing to do so. (See Doctrine and Covenants 20:77.) The fact that we only witness to our willingness suggests that something else must happen before we actually take that sacred name upon us in the most important sense.’ The statement that we are ‘willing to take upon [us]’ His name tells us that while we first took the Savior’s name when we were baptized, taking His name is not finished at baptism. We must work continually to take His name throughout our lives, including when we renew covenants at the sacrament table and make covenants in the Lord’s holy temples.” (“Try, Try, Try,” Ensign, Nov. 2018).

            Richard G. Scott explained, “You are one of the noblest of God’s creations. His intent is that your life be gloriously beautiful regardless of your circumstances. As you are grateful and obedient, you can become all that God intends you to be. Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do…. A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth…. You are here on earth for a divine purpose… to be tried, to prove yourself so that you can receive the additional blessings God has for you. The tempering effect of patience is required. Some blessings will be delivered here in this life; others will come beyond the veil” (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            He continued, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you…. Learn from inspiring individuals who have made peace with their challenges and live with joy amid adversity…. Children teach us how to find joy even under the most challenging circumstances. Children haven’t yet learned to be depressed by concentrating on the things they don’t have. They find joy in what is available to them…. Simple, rejuvenating experiences surround us. They can be safety valves to keep the tension down and the spirit up. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have or have lost. The Lord promised the obedient to share all that He possesses with them. You may temporarily lack here, but in the next life, if you prove yourself worthy by living valiantly, a fulness will be your blessing. To the afflicted people of Alma, the Lord said: ‘I will also ease the burdens … that even you cannot feel them upon your backs … ; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And … the burdens … were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord’ (Mosiah 24:13–15) (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            He continued, “Being creative will help you enjoy life. It engenders a spirit of gratitude. It develops latent talent, sharpens your capacity to reason, to act, and to find purpose in life. It dispels loneliness and heartache. It gives a renewal, a spark of enthusiasm, and zest for life. Willing service to others is a key to enduring happiness. Each morning (one woman) would ask her Father in Heaven to lead her to someone she could help. That sincere prayer was answered time and again. The burdens of many were eased and their lives brightened. She was blessed continually for being an instrument directed by the Lord. I know that every difficulty we face in life, even those that come from our own negligence …  can be turned by the Lord into growth experiences, a virtual ladder upward… No matter how difficult something you or a loved one faces, it should not take over your life and be the center of all your interest. Challenges are growth experiences, temporary scenes to be played out on the background of a pleasant life. Don’t become so absorbed in a single event that you can’t think of anything else or care for yourself or for those who depend upon you. Remember, much like the mending of the body, the healing of some spiritual and emotional challenges takes time…. God’s love brings peace and joy. Your faith in Jesus Christ gives life enduring meaning. Remember you are on a journey… Sometimes you have experiences that yield more happiness than others, but it all has purpose with the Lord….Forgive any you feel may have offended you. If there is transgression, repent of it, that the Master may heal you…. You will learn that sadness and disappointment are temporary. Happiness is everlastingly eternal because of Jesus Christ. I solemnly witness that He lives, that He loves you, and that He will help you” (“Finding Joy in Life,“ Ensign, May 1996).

            Earlier in the book, I mentioned that I was asked to give a message in an Easter lesson to the women in our church congregation. I will end with part of that message I shared on March 31, 2013. “…Because I made those changes, my depression lifted dramatically at the end of December 2011. I was then given three months to continue to strengthen those habits and add other daily habits to give me balance in my life. Then my next trial arrived. I've had numbness, tingling, and tightness from my ribs to my toes especially on my right side since March 20, 2012. I spent the rest of last year building habits, but also trying to figure out what was causing these uncomfortable symptoms. In December, a lesion was finally found on my spine when my MRI's were repeated and, in January, it was confirmed through a spinal tap that I have MS…. I don't think I could have handled all of this if I had been in the emotional state I was in prior to making these changes. I feel that the Lord blessed me because He knew this was coming. I'm still very limited in what I'm able to do in life, but He has helped me learn how to do the basics that have given me much more stability. He has helped me focus on what is really important.  
            His grace is the enabling power to help us do better and be better. I have a testimony of that. I couldn't make it through one day without His help. I still have many difficult days, but I know He is there to help me (and all of us) every step of the way as we strive to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm thankful that I will someday have a resurrected body because of Him that is free of earthly limitations. But, I will also be forever grateful for the way He has helped me cope with my limitations along the way. I know the Savior’s atonement is real and it is powerful. I know that Christ perfectly understands what each of us goes through in this life and is perfectly able to help us because He suffered and died for us. I also know that because He was resurrected, we will all be resurrected too…. We can feel hope, peace, and joy all along the way because of that promise.” Those feelings and beliefs have continued to uplift and sustain me over the past seven years. Since each day is a new beginning, repeating into eternity, I can continue to trust in Savior and His promises…forever.