I'm looking forward to seeing this in the theater with my husband on the evening of December 9th. :)
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, November 6, 2021
Monday, May 24, 2021
Facebook Live for Hilary Weeks' "Live All In" program
Now and Then
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| John and Wendi (April 2021) |
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| Me and Hilary (Autumntide with Emily Freeman in fall 2017; ward Christmas party and concert in 2016; lunch date with Kenzie in summer 2014) |
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| Benefit concert in Hilary's previous home in August 2012 |
Monday, February 1, 2021
My Second Podcast
I was grateful for the opportunity to share my story on Richard Ostler's Listen, Learn, and Love podcast. The Zoom call was on January 18th and the episode was published over the weekend. This is his summary:
Episode 377: Wendi Jagerson, Active LDS, Bipolar, MS, Family Left the Church
My friend Wendi Jagerson, married mother of two and one grandson, bravely shares her journey with complicated life challenges that started after her successful mission in the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area. Wendi starts with her journey with Bipolar II Disorder which was diagnosed in 1995. Wendi talks about how it eventually became very difficult to leave her own home and how she wasn't able to enjoy church or social contact for several years. Wendi talks about her journey to find hope and healing.
Wendi continues with her husband John opening up about his unbelief in 2012 (he is an atheist) and her two adult children also leaving the Church. Wendi talks about how she loves and admires John and how she is keeping the family circle strong and together, while leaving all this at the Savior’s feet. It is a remarkable love story including the birth of their grandson.
Wendi also shares about her MS diagnosis in 2013.
Wendi’s life is very different than she envisioned flying home from her mission in 1994. But Wendi’s story, like many of our stories, is about the realities of mortality—and how to find hope and healing living with those realities—and the role of therapists, medication, friends, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ to give perspective to move forward.
If you are in a tough spot, please listen to Wendi's story. It will give you hope and better tools to move forward. Thank you Wendi for the courage to share your story. You and your family are awesome.
Richard 'Papa' Ostler
- The podcast is listed under three different categories on three different platforms, so I hope it helps the people who need to hear it!
Friday, October 9, 2020
Unexpected invitation and God's timing
Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon.
- I explained in my reply:
We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.
- This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email:
"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"
- I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:
- This is the reply I just sent:
I wrote several long "thought downloads" to my life coach beginning on Saturday (before General Conference) and ending Wednesday evening. The combination of ten hours of General Conference, lots of prayer, and emptying out my brain like that are the reasons I finally pulled out of my depression. I had to put away my book on September 17th after several revisions of parts 1-3 because it was just making the situation worse.
I had the chance to walk and talk with two dear friends on the Friday before and the Monday after General Conference. I hadn't seen either of them during the previous weeks of depression.
Then my younger sister "just happened" to drive here from Colorado a day earlier than planned on Wednesday night and we walked and talked yesterday morning.
She is my only sister and is one of my dearest friends. She understands and loves me completely, even though she knows all the less than positive things about me and my life. I read the thought download emails to her toward the end of our walk. As she was leaving, she said that she thinks I didn't have a mental block or a "nervous breakdown" over my book--she thinks there is just more of my journey that will need to be included before I can finish it. I had never thought of it that way and it gave me hope. Writing is very difficult for me and it doesn't come naturally. It helped me to not feel like I failed at something I worked so hard on after all.
After listening to a couple of your podcast episodes, I decided to post those thought downloads on my blog today.
Your invitation came at precisely the right time. God prepared me to be able to say yes--and gave me time to be introspective, which may help us talk about what most needs to be said for your listeners during the interview. I will continue to be prayerful between now and then.
***
One other side note: Tamara is the cousin-in-law of my good friend. My friend, her children, brother, and parents have all helped me with many temple ordinances. I am so grateful to her and them. She sent me this text on July 2nd:
"I was just talking to my cousin's wife who does a podcast on having hope during hard times. She asked if I had anyone I thought she should interview and I sent her your number because I think you are amazing and articulate. So if you hear from Tamara Anderson it's my fault."
My friend is a BYU English professor, so that is high praise coming from someone who is as amazing and articulate as she is.
I thought Tamara would never contact me and I hadn't thought of it since that text. So, here we are a little over three months later.
God's timing. I'm so grateful for how he orchestrates so much behind the scenes to bless each of us.
Podcast preparation
- This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:
Wendi grew up in Palmyra, New York; Orem, Utah; Tallahassee, Florida; and Longmont, Colorado. She has been married to John for a quarter of a century. They are the parents of two adult children and grandparents to a very loved baby grandson. She enjoys walking and talking with friends and family, taking pictures in nature, and spending time with her grandson.
2. What is an interesting little known fact about you?
My Tetris skills help me with closet and drawer organization. :)
3. Please share with me some of the “hard times” you have experienced and would like to share on the podcast.
* I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar 2 Disorder, which is heavy on depression interspersed with periods of elevated mood called hypomania. Along with that, I have struggled with social anxiety, which made it very difficult to leave my house for several years. I also have overlapping challenges with generalized anxiety, perfectionism, and some obsessive compulsive tendencies.
* I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. My right side has different levels of loss of feeling and discomfort from my ribs to my toes. My “uniform” has become heavy skinny jeans and very supportive sneakers. When I wear that combination, I have less discomfort and can walk without limping.
* My husband and adult children no longer believe in the same way I do and no longer participate with me in organized religion. However, they continue to be some of the best people I know. This unexpected circumstance has caused some ongoing dissonance and loneliness in my life since August 2012.
* Our children both had some medical conditions, which ended up triggering long-term emotional distress for me. Our son was in the NICU for the first 10 days of his life. Our daughter suffered from epilepsy during her growing up years, which required me to stay in the hospital with her for almost two weeks on two different occasions.
4. What were the top 3-5 lessons you learned during your "hard times?” (You can list more than 5 if you want).
* Comparing my life, accomplishments, or progress with others often causes discouragement and self-doubt.
* We each have different strengths and weaknesses that give us the ability to influence, contribute, serve, love, empathize, and connect with people in unique and important ways.
* Perfectionism isn’t the same thing as perfection. It causes unnecessary suffering in the form of stress, shame, and guilt while trying to achieve the impossible.
* Walking in the fresh air and sunshine can help almost any problem seem a little more manageable. The act of moving your body and choosing to put one foot in front of the other is an effective way to change the direction of your thoughts—and eventually your life.
* Focusing on “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing” is helpful when feeling immobilized by anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Breaking large problems into smaller ones or choosing to just “do the next right thing” is a powerful way to cope with feeling overwhelmed.
* Mental illness is not a character flaw and when we talk about it more with others, we can lessen the stigma surrounding it, along with understanding that it affects many more people than we realize.
5. How have you changed or what have you done differently because of your challenges?
* I gradually learned to face my fear of leaving the house by walking to nearby destinations each day—to shop for a few items or run small errands.
* After that, I continued learning to overcome my social anxiety by going out of my way to visit over 500 women. In the process, I was able to help several who also suffered with depression and anxiety. I also found some dear friends who have been an uplifting and supportive influence in my life.
* Those activities built enough confidence in myself to return to college and earn an associate degree at Utah Valley University when my daughter started attending there after high school graduation. I was never able to take more than 6-9 credits each semester, but I rarely missed class and learned to turn in homework assignments early (unlike the first time as a young adult when I was often immobilized by anxiety and depression).
* It also gave me the courage to move to a new home that we built to better fit my needs for MS. We lived in a four-level-split for over 18 years, but it became too difficult for me to climb stairs several time each day. So we built a home across town with main-level living and room to accommodate possible future wheelchair needs. Because of that, we have a place for our daughter and grandson to live in our basement.
* I am still trying to learn how to self-comfort, instead of self-criticize. Showing compassion for others in their difficult circumstances is much easier for me than extending that same compassion to myself.
6. Do you have a favorite Bible verse that you would like to share that became meaningful to you during your difficulty?
* Philippians 4:13 ~ “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
(That verse has helped me develop self-confidence and the strength to overcome anxiety and discouragement.)
* Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
(Those verses have helped me better cope with difficult circumstances that have been confusing and overwhelming in life.)
7. Are there websites, books, music or other resources you would recommend to someone in a similar circumstance?
The music and especially lyrics of Hilary Weeks (an inspirational, Christian singer) has become a type of soundtrack to my journey. In addition to her many CDs, she now has an inexpensive subscription program called “Live All In” where she releases a new song with additional material each month. More than anything else, her music helps interrupt the downward spiral of my thoughts and begins to replace them with more uplifting thoughts.
8. Do you want to be able to have people contact you after the show? (Ex: on a website or on Facebook if they really connect with you and your story). If yes, please share your contact information.
If people wanted to contact me, my writing blog is “Wend Your Way.” I’m not currently posting on it, but it includes many of Hilary Weeks’ lyrics, along with experiences and lessons I’ve learned during my journey. People could leave a comment with their contact information there.
***
After listening to 2.5 episodes of her podcast last night and this morning, I decided to post several updates—so there will be more than just half-finished book chapters on this blog. It has been very soothing to the anticipatory anxiety I was starting to feel about the upcoming interview, which will be on Wednesday morning.
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| This is the "head shot" I sent (my husband took it down by the Ashton's house on one of our walks a few months ago) |
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| This is the picture I wish I could have sent. It was taken of me and our grandson at the beginning of August. |
Summary and Miracles (fourth and final thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Final update to my life coach on the evening before our 22nd coaching session:
* I feel like all the emails I've sent her since Saturday morning have been part of my extremely long thought download.
* I've tried to feel my feelings of sadness, confusion, frustration, regret, and disappointment by letting the tears come, rather than keeping them inside.
* I've tried to understand why I felt the way I did and comfort myself, rather than continue to punish myself for all the errors in judgment I made along the way.
* As I started to see it all in context, it was easier to understand why I made those errors and how I could show compassion to myself, since I wasn't actually trying to do anything wrong.
* I have renewed my faith in the Savior's atonement by turning more fully toward Him.
* I've tried to make some course corrections and I've realized that maybe nothing actually went permanently wrong--I can learn from my mistakes and eventually become stronger because of them.
***
A miracle happened today. My good friend (Divine Intersection #4) and her husband were invited to the temple for her nephew's pre-mission endowment. She handed out the endowment cards that I gave her at the end of February to the other family members who were attending the session--and ALL EIGHT were completed today! I was so grateful for that unexpected and miraculous gift God orchestrated to uplift me this afternoon just when I needed to know it was going to be okay.
I wanted to share all of this with my coach, so that I didn't spend all of tomorrow's session just filling her in.
* My coach's reply: I love how God works through so many
people . . . the eight people who just had their work done, the unexpected gift
to remind you that everything is okay, the nephew who got to go to the
temple still even in the midst of the pandemic, etc. I'm sure there were
even more that we aren't even aware of.
I think the real miracle for me to see is that you realized that maybe
nothing actually permanently went wrong.
* My reply: I agree about the miracles. Heavenly Father is a genius at doing His work and allowing us to help where we can along the way.
***
My sister drove into town on Wednesday night and I was so grateful for the opportunity to walk with her yesterday morning (with our grandson in the stroller) before my coaching session.
She shared some amazing miracles in her life:
* a neighbor who lives across the street who "just happens" to be a member of the church and is willing to help with car, sprinkler, and computer issues
* the only other family in their ward who has a dad/husband who is deployed "just happens" to have kids the same age as hers
* packages of food they sent miraculously reaching her deployed husband just when he was almost out of food . . .
Then I read these thought downloads to her at the end of our walk. When she was saying goodbye, she said that she thinks the reason I had such a mental block/emotional breakdown over the book is that my journey is continuing and there is still more that needs to be included in the book. I had never considered that I may be having a type of "stupor of thought." That gave me hope and helped me feel less upset about all the struggles of the past few weeks.
Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog):
Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way.
During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was.
Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram.
The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months.
The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable.
I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."
One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses.
And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction.
I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite.
That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus.
By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them).
Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes.
So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path.
I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month.
More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)
- Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):
As I mentioned before, I stopped following Jody Moore (and also my friend who has recently become a life coach) on Instagram and unsubscribed from their podcasts on Saturday evening during the General Women's Meeting. I was so sad about it. But now I understand why.
After praying this morning (which I have rarely done consistently), I stopped following Hilary Weeks, Emily Freeman, David Butler, and "Don't Miss This" study on Instagram. Instead, I started following four accounts that focus more regularly on Come Follow Me, General Conference, and beautiful art in connection with them. I realized that they (and Kenneth Cope and Brad Wilcox) are all extroverts and are very popular. Plus, I realized that when I follow them and interact with them, I feel like I am inferior and not contributing to the world in a positive way.
I cried on Sunday evening after my husband did the sacrament for me (because I thought it would help me feel less empty after Conference), but it just made me feel more sad that I couldn't talk about it with anyone in my family. I accidentally mentioned that there would be a temple built in Lindon too, which was definitely the wrong thing to say to our son.
I cried so much yesterday morning also. It ended up being the day off of our grandson's dad, so he watched our grandson—and I didn't have anything constructive to wake up to. I just can't figure out what to focus on. So I sit and spin my wheels—while trying to pray for direction. I texted my friend (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #1) that I was too depressed to come and wouldn't be good company. She didn't want to pressure me, but felt like I should still come if I could. So we switched the time to noon, instead of two, and I forced myself to drive over there.
We walked for awhile and then sat under some trees and talked before walking back to her house.
She also agreed that I had a "perfect storm" of circumstances that was very difficult—especially since no friends were around to support me during the past month (except for my ministering sister a couple of times). She thought that maybe a reason I'm not getting answers or feeling inspired to do anything more is that I need to prioritize rest—since I've been so exhausted. She reminded me that my MS keeping me up at night, my depression, and also my early mornings with our grandson could all be taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I thought that laying in bed was depression and reverting to my old ways, but she thinks it has been wise self care. My husband actually agrees.
I forced myself to do the rowing machine for a few minutes in my husband's office after I returned home. I'm still trying to get the $340 refund from our marriage therapy, trying to decide whether to change treatments for MS (my neurologist wants me to try a ten-day pill solution, instead of an infusion), and trying to decide on a new individual therapist (two have responded and they seem much more user friendly than our previous office). I'm nervous about the side effects of changing medications and also don't want to start more therapy until I'm done with coaching and until my deductible is met (hopefully in early November). MS treatments cost $40K, so patients' assistance helps pay for them and meets our deductible—I feel like that's the only way I can contribute in a positive way to the family's finances.
My husband also clarified that he doesn't mind if I work on my book or family history or organizing my closet—as long as I don't focus solely on one activity to the exclusion of all others (he calls them mono-activities). That is so difficult for me (with the combination of a slow warm up to activities because of depression and then hyperfocus because of obsessive compulsive tendencies and hypomania) because I'm afraid it will disappear when the next wave of depression hits. That's what happened with my book.
Yesterday evening, I watched 1.5 videos from that organization program I bought because I couldn't focus on actually doing something. (She is the one I had the complimentary call with that inspired me to start writing my book.) She taught "the self-coaching model" in the first video. She explained that a way to process emotion is to try to describe what is happening to an alien, who has no idea what human emotion feels like. That was a different way of thinking about it, but I don't know if it will help. As you know, that's the part that I've never been able to figure out. I started crying again because it all felt so futile.
I decided to "give up" and go to bed early again. I continued to listen to "Grace Where You Are" by Emily Freeman, but that seemed to make my tears worse. I know that I have a really good life. I don't have struggles like the pioneers or people who have cancer or are blind, but sometimes my emotional instability is more than I feel that I can handle. My husband was very sweet and he just sat by me last night as I kept having waves of tears. (He reminded me that this has happened before and it will pass like it always does. It's almost impossible for me to remember that in the darkness of that moment, though.)
My husband also said that I make him feel good because I always believe he can do more than he can do and it encourages him to do more than he normally would be able to. I'm grateful that there is something I'm doing right in our relationship.
He wants me to practice focusing on my divine worth to Jesus, since that's what I believe. That works well when I'm feeling healthy, but I get very upset with myself during times like this when I'm floundering. He says that's exactly when I need to practice it, so I will keep trying.
Today, when I was watching our grandson, I cleared some of the excess clutter out of his play pen (sometimes we give him empty bottles and other "garbage" to play with because he loves them so much more than toys). In that moment, I realized that I need to continue clearing out anything that makes me feel like I don't measure up. I'm not cool and stylish like Jody Moore and Hilary Weeks.
I don't have the ability to make any money like my life coach or them. But I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to be productive or influential to be valuable; I just need to be the best me that I can each day. I need to love and give in ways that I am able to on that day—not any other day and not like other people do. As I uncover who I really am through more simplicity, I will be able to love myself more and more. I know that was the Spirit speaking because I'm not confident enough to just write that normally.
So I thought I should share it with my coach also.
I'm nervous about our final sessions. I want them to be productive and I want to follow my coach's counsel. I know I was led to her, but I just don't know why—since I haven't been able to figure out my thoughts and feelings very well.
The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)
- I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog):
I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up.
Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th.
That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away).
During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book.
Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point.
In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft.
She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support.
I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017).
On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson.
I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her.
My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also.
As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in.
I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck.
I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November.
So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.
Roller coaster of emotions (summary while trying to find another therapist)
- Brief summary of this blog (and hopefully a finished book someday), along with a recent update:
I walked and talked my way back to good health on my own and with others from 2010 to 2018. I progressed from wishing I could die and rarely leaving our bedroom (2008-2010) to walking to destinations all over town in order to safely leave the house without having to interact much with people (2011-2013), followed by facing my social anxiety and visiting over 500 women (2013 to 2015). I also went back to college and earned an associate degree (2015-2019). During a break from college, I actually made "Walking with Wendi" cards and handed them out to friends and family to continue focusing on walking and talking. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 1994 and then I was diagnosed with MS in January 2013—so I believe walking has literally saved me, both physically and emotionally.
Unfortunately, COVID-19 has gradually reduced my functionality, since I have been to very few places in the last seven months because of MS. Most of my friends are dealing with their own situations, so I lost most of my walking and talking time. And much of my anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive tendencies have gradually returned because of the isolation. I'm sure that is a common story for a lot of your clients. Our marriage therapist and my coach repeatedly asked me to go deep into those dark places and explore my thoughts and feelings—I ended up getting trapped in a self-hate, self-doubt, shame, and guilt storm. I'm gradually pulling myself out of it this week, but it has been a tough combination of circumstances.
I'm an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I met my future husband as missionaries in the same mission. We were married in the temple in 1995, but he told me he is an atheist in August 2012 (that's the easiest way to describe it, although I don't believe in labels). That was difficult for me to understand, but I've been trying hard to figure out how to make our relationship work ever since because he is still one of the best people I know. Our adult daughter has a nine month old baby and she and her boyfriend live in our basement—I babysit him part-time while my daughter is finishing her degree. Our adult son also lives with us and has some emotional challenges (similar to mine) as well. They both attend UVU and are good people, but they also believe very differently than I do. So I have a lot of ongoing dissonance, but have tried hard to adapt as much as possible through the years.
* I emailed that summary yesterday afternoon to a therapist that I hope to begin meeting with in the future.
- I sent this follow-up email this afternoon:
I asked to resume meeting with my life coach for the remaining four sessions that I had already paid for. I have written several lengthy thought downloads to her since Saturday morning (before General Conference). My thoughts have gradually become clearer during that process and I'm so relieved to finally be surfacing from this depression I've been wading through for the past few weeks. I asked if she would please just coach me from a place of Jesus Christ being at the center of the self-coaching model (Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results), since my thoughts and feelings sometimes aren't reliable when I'm dealing with mental illness challenges.
We had a really helpful Zoom session yesterday.
During that session, I received an invitation by text to be a guest on "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. I have been trying to write the book that people have been encouraging me to write about my journey over the past six years. I used this blog as an accountability tool for the first draft (July 5 - August 18, 2020). I feel that I was strongly prompted to begin writing again (prior to this, I have never been able to write more than a chapter) and felt the magnifying help from heaven during the process—but I also believe that it must have been during a hypomanic episode.
A friend recommended that the host interview me and she reached out after looking at this blog.
I gradually descended into this depression after working on the 2nd and 3rd drafts of the book (I decided to put the half-finished project away on September 13th). My mental health really declined because I became more and more sleep deprived, since I needed to wake up at 7am Monday-Thursday to watch my grandson. (My MS often keeps me up in the middle of the night and there was no opportunity to sleep in a little longer once the babysitting started on August 24th). I have taken Wellbutrin XL 300 mg and Lamictal 100 mg since I began walking back in 2011. My psychiatrist has told me before that bipolar swings are often preceded by sleep deprivation.
Anyway, I am trying to be very careful because I don't want to take on too much now that I'm feeling better again. So, I decided to take a couple of hours today to post my thoughts on this blog (I stopped posting on it after the first draft was completed) in preparation for the podcast interview on Wednesday morning. After that, I hope to set it aside and force myself to take a shower and move on to something less anxiety producing.
Sunday, August 16, 2020
Chapter 29: A Growing and Evolving Testimony
Originally, this chapter was going to be called "Growth and Evolution of Testimony." Last night, I decided that this title sounded a little better. I have been working on this chapter almost all day. It's still not the way I want it, but I'm going to post it and come back later with fresh eyes. (I returned to make some corrections and added the last two paragraphs on August 17, 2020.)
I wrote
down my testimony in January 2016 for my nephew’s baptism and thought it would
be a good way to open this chapter. “My parents taught me the gospel as I was
growing up, but it was important for me to develop my own testimony separate
from theirs. My testimony grew little by little, like drops of water filling a
bucket. I gradually learned that living the gospel brings joy and peace as I
watched the examples of my parents, teachers, leaders, and good friends.
Through studying the scriptures and attending church and seminary, I learned
that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is described as ‘true and living.’ However, I don't want that to sound like I am
criticizing other churches or the really good people that attend them. Here are
some of the reasons I have found for that description: The Church today has the
same structure as the Church that existed when Jesus lived on the earth. It
actually has been restored. Prophets and apostles guided and taught people
throughout the scriptures and we are guided by a prophet and apostles today.
Just like they had the priesthood then, we have the priesthood today. Because we
have the priesthood, our lives can be blessed by the ordinance of baptism and
the ordinance of the sacrament each week. Our lives can also be blessed by the
ordinances in the temple. The Church is ‘true’ because it is actually led by
Jesus Christ. It is ‘living’ because we have the priesthood, prophets,
ordinances, and the gift of the Holy Ghost that continues to testify of truth
to each individual. Unfortunately, the Church is filled with imperfect people,
but it's not the people that make the Church true. We are trying to do the best
we can along the way, just like people in other churches are. It is the
doctrine that makes the difference.”
I continued, “Heavenly Father knows
each of us personally. He really does hear and answer prayers. I have learned
that He often answers our prayers through other people. When we truly love Him, it leads us to want to
serve Him. It also helps us to love ourselves and the people around us. When we
love others, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and try to help
them to solve theirs. I
know that the Atonement of Christ really works. I know that Jesus really did die for us and that He really was
resurrected. Because He lives, we will all live again and have the opportunity
to be with our families after this life on earth. Heavenly Father and
Jesus love us and are aware of us. They will magnify us for the tasks They need
us to accomplish when we have faith in Them. I also know that the Holy Ghost is
real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that He
inspires and prompts us to live righteously.”
I
continued, “I know that there is always hope through the Atonement of
Christ. Because of His atoning
sacrifice, we can forgive and be forgiven. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His Atonement gives
me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it gives me
to overcome my challenges. I know that Jesus
perfectly understands what each of us goes through in this life and is
perfectly able to help us because of what He suffered during His Atonement. With
the Savior’s help, I have been able to work on one goal or habit at a time and
have slowly turned many of my weaknesses into strengths. I’m thankful for that
ongoing miracle. As we practice living righteously, we will eventually become
perfect through the grace of Christ.”
I
continued, “I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith in
answer to his prayer and that They restored the original gospel to the earth
through him. I also know that They helped him translate the Book of Mormon so
that we would have it to bless our lives and to clarify the truth that is in
the Bible today. I have experienced the power that comes from reading the Book
of Mormon each day. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, just like the
prophets before him and since him. His life changed when He read in the scriptures about asking questions
directly to God. He wasn't perfect, but he was willing and God was
able to work through him to restore truth to the earth. I am thankful for his example of doing difficult
things that he knew were right.”
I
concluded, “During my life, I have learned that the Church and gospel are true
through sincere prayer, scripture study, listening to the promptings of the
Spirit, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I have
continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of the
truth. I am thankful that we are able to pray about
what the prophet and apostles teach us so that we can gain a sure witness for
ourselves. The gift of agency is important and central to Heavenly Father’s plan
for us. Just as we can’t force others to have faith, Heavenly Father won’t
force us to have faith. As we choose to believe and live the principles of the
gospel, we will be blessed.”
Jeffrey R. Holland
gives wise counsel on the subject of belief and testimony. “Observation number
one… when facing the challenge of faith…in the growth we all have to experience
in mortality…. In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground
you have already won, even if that ground is limited.… When those moments come
and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately
forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand
strong until additional knowledge comes…. The size of your faith or
the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it
is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you
already know. The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems
come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much
you do not have, leading as it were with your ‘unbelief.’…Let
me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not
have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest
declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an
honest declaration of faith. It is not!... Be as candid about your questions as
you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But… don’t let
those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign,
May 2013).
He
continued, “This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and
blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if
from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and
resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know
will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is
to walk by faith. So be kind regarding human frailty—your
own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer,
mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son,
imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly
frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see
imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the
divinity of the work….So be patient and kind and forgiving” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign,
May 2013).
He
concludes, “Last observation: When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid
to ask for help. If we want it… humbly and honestly… we can get it. The
scriptures phrase such earnest desire as being of ‘real intent,’ pursued ‘with
full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God’ (2
Nephi 31:13). I testify that in
response to that kind of importuning, God
will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief…. Hope on. Journey on.
Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever
fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that
believe….” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).
Dieter F. Uchtdorf also gives excellent
counsel on this subject. “…It’s natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a
great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one
time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of
the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith
is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true. Therefore…my dear
friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your
faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the
divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ”
(“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).
He continued, “The Church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the
struggling, and the exhausted. It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the
commandments, even if they haven’t mastered them
yet…. If you define hypocrite as
someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are
all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But
we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our
heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of
Jesus Christ” (“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).
D. Todd Christofferson explained, “The Prophet Joseph Smith confirmed the Savior’s
central role in our doctrine in one definitive sentence: ‘The fundamental
principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets,
concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third
day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our
religion are only appendages to it.’ Joseph Smith’s testimony of Jesus is that He
lives, ‘for [he] saw him, even on the right hand of God; and [he] heard the
voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:23; see also verse 22)” (“The Doctrine of Christ, Ensign, May
2012).
Throughout
the Church, a fast and testimony meeting is held once each month, usually on
the first Sunday, during sacrament meeting. I don’t generally ever plan to
stand up and bear my testimony in fast and testimony meeting. However, I have
often felt inspired to write down my thoughts during the sacrament. Sometimes I
do feel the nudge to share it publicly. I’ve kept a record of them over the
past decade. On April 11, 2010, I shared the following thoughts during my testimony.
“I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ works. The Lord really cares
about us and He is aware of us.” I then shared two verses from The Book of
Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “...Their preservation was
astonishing.... And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God,
because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe—
that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be
preserved by his marvelous power” (Alma 57:26). “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye
shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33). I concluded, “The Lord will make us equal to the task He
needs us to accomplish when we have faith in Him.”
On
November 9, 2010, I sent an email to my sister-in-law, who was meeting with the
missionaries. I will share some of it, with a
few corrections for clarity. “Praying for specific answers is always a little
tricky for me too.... I always try to spend a few seconds before and after my
prayers trying to just be still inside. Then after I ask, I pause again.
Sometimes I hear distinct words or phrases in my mind that are similar to my
thoughts, but are accompanied with a sure or peaceful feeling. And sometimes I
just feel more certain afterward. I always try to ask that if it's a ‘yes’
answer, I will feel certain about it and won't second-guess it anymore. And
that if it's a ‘no’ answer, I'll feel even more confused and upset about it. That
has helped me with answers to questions in the past. For me, it really does
boil down to the way I'm feeling about it.”
I
then shared most of the testimony from the beginning of this chapter. I
continued, “I know it seems crazy to say that I know this. But I have had these
truths confirmed to me over and over again… and I couldn't feel more strongly
about them. You know how much I struggle with attending church because of my
group situation issues. And, believe me, it would be so much easier for me to
just not go ever again and to deny all of this. But these truths really do
bless my life each day and it makes me want to keep going, even though it's
difficult for me. I really do hope that you'll be able to find out these and
other truths for yourself.... I also hope that you (and my brother) will be
able to have these truths in your lives and in your home to bless you and your
future family. The priesthood blessings I've received from my dad (and husband)
have been a great strength to me. I've felt the power of their words and I know
the blessings they speak are coming from Heavenly Father through them to me. I
know Heavenly Father really does know each of us personally. He knows me and He
knows you. And I know He really does answer prayers. I hope you'll be able to
clearly feel the answers He gives you. And, more than anything, I know that
Jesus really did die for us and that He really does live now. And because He
lives, you and I will live again after this life and we won't have to deal with
all the hardships and heart ache that accompany this earthly life anymore. We
will have passed the test. And we'll be able to live with our family in deep
and abiding happiness for eternity.”
I
concluded, “I hope my sharing those feelings helps in some way. After I prayed
for you again just now, I felt like I should share them. I hope it doesn't
annoy you. I love you (and my brother) and I know that searching this out
together will bless your already happy marriage. Don't worry, I won't always be
this preachy and serious. I just wanted to state for the record how I felt. And
if there's anything I can do to help you as you're trying to find out the truth
of these things for yourself, just let me know. You know me. I'm not anywhere
close to perfect, but I think you know I always try to be honest and open…. I'll
just keep praying for you (and my brother) and will respect your desire to
figure it out on your own without outside interference. And I'll love you no matter
what you decide. I promise.”
I
practiced proclaiming my testimony more boldly during fast and testimony
meeting on January 2, 2011. “I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on the earth. It's
true because it's the actual church of Jesus Christ that has been restored
through the Prophet Joseph Smith. And it's living because of the gift of
the Holy Ghost and the priesthood that makes possible the ordinances of the
sacrament and in temples. We teach the gospel within the
structure of the Church. But we can learn so much about living the gospel from
other good people throughout the world who often live it much better and more
fully than many of us.”
I
will just insert a quote by Joseph Fielding Smith here. “And so we say to the
good and noble, the upright and devout people everywhere: Keep all the good you
have; cleave unto every true principle which is now yours; but come and partake
of the further light and knowledge which that God who is the same yesterday,
today, and forever is again pouring out upon his people.” (“A Witness and a Blessing,” Ensign, May 1971).
I
continued my testimony, “I know that there is always hope because of the
Atonement of Christ. I'm thankful for His birth that we celebrated last
month. I was reminded that the manger, because it is actually a feeding trough,
is more like a table than a bed. And because Jesus is the Bread of Life, His
laying in the manger reminded us of the bread that is now administered from the
sacrament table each week. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His
Atonement gives me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it
gives me to overcome my challenges. And, right now, I'm very thankful that my
medicine is working better so that it's easier for me to attend church. I
also hope to be able to attend the temple more easily this year.”
I
bore the following testimony on October 16, 201l. “Alma 34:31 says,
‘...now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will
repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of
redemption be brought about unto you.’ I wrote these two thoughts in the margin
of my church scriptures several years ago: 1.) The Lord is just waiting
to help us and bless us. As soon as we take a step in the right direction, He
immediately applies the plan of redemption in our lives. 2.) Repentance
means a change of heart, and a true change of heart shows in our
actions. When we make even a small change, it starts the ball rolling and
it allows the Lord to help us in our lives. He can make miracles happen if
we will let Him. I'm thankful for the extra help and support the Lord
has given me in these things that I've been trying to do – especially since they seemed almost impossible
to me at the beginning of this year.”
On May 2,
2012, I wrote down my testimony for our daughter to be read at girls camp. “My
parents taught me the gospel as I was growing up, but it was important for me
to develop my own testimony separate from theirs…. I attended four years of
early morning seminary and that helped in developing my testimony. I also had
some great Young Women leaders and Sunday School teachers that helped
strengthen my testimony. As I worked on my Personal Progress goals, I learned
more about the gospel and that strengthened my testimony as well. Because of
the examples of my parents, teachers, and leaders, and through the feelings I
felt as I attended church and seminary, I learned that The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. Through all of that, the main foundation
of my testimony is that there is always hope in Christ. No matter how depressed
I felt or no matter what I had done wrong, I knew that He could make it better.
I gained a testimony of His atoning sacrifice as I repented of the things I had
done wrong as I was growing up. Because of that, the sacrament has always been
very important to me. I appreciate knowing that I can start over with a clean
slate each week after I partake worthily of the sacrament.”
I continued, “My testimony also grew
while I was serving a mission for our church. I remember really understanding
then that we are all children of our Heavenly Father and that meant the people
I met and taught on my mission were actually my brothers and sisters. I was
really thankful for the opportunities I had to bear my testimony to them
because that strengthened my testimony. I think that is also when I really
gained a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his role in helping to
restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again. I know that he received
answers to his prayers and that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus
Christ. I also know that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers and your
prayers. Along with that, I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon. I think I
read it for the first time all the way through when I was in ninth grade
because that is what we studied in seminary that year. I felt a warm feeling
about many of the things I read and, when I prayed about them, I knew that the
Book of Mormon was true. I have always loved listening to the General Authorities
speak in general conference. As I've listened to them over the years, I have
developed a testimony that this church is led by a real prophet and apostles of
God. I gained a testimony of the priesthood as I partook of the sacrament each
Sunday, as I had blessings given to me by my dad, and as I went to do baptisms
for the dead on our temple trips. I really felt the Spirit strongly when I was
in the temple back then and I still love attending the temple to this day.”
I concluded, “ In summary, I learned
that the Church is true through prayer, scripture study, listening to the Holy
Ghost, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I've
continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of its
truthfulness. I'm thankful for a living prophet that guides us just like
prophets throughout the scriptures have guided the people. I'm especially
thankful for the Savior and believe that there is always hope through His
Atonement. My faith in the Atonement helps me to get through life and
strengthens me to overcome my struggles.”
I
shared the following testimony in fast and testimony meeting on November 6,
2012. “Over the past year, I have developed several habits in various aspects
of my life, which included attending church, the temple, and institute class
each week. But now that I've been to church every week for over 1 1/2 years
(except for the Sunday we were down in Moab) and to the temple every week for a
little over a year, I've decided to stop counting. I am now a church
attender and a temple attender. That is what I do. And I'm so
thankful that the Lord has helped me establish these important habits. We
are promised that when we serve in the temple, we will be blessed in both our
temporal and spiritual affairs. I know that has been the case in my life. I know that Heavenly Father is
really there, that He knows us personally, and that He hears and answers our
prayers. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real and I'm so
thankful for its enabling and compensating power. Partaking of the
sacrament each week has been such a strength to me. I also know that the Holy
Ghost is real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that
He inspires us to do good. I have been reading the Book of Mormon
personally each day for almost 1 1/2 years now and we've been reading the Book
of Mormon each day for this entire year as a family. I'm thankful that the Lord
has helped us develop those habits and I know that the Book of Mormon is
true. Reading it each day gives me hope. I'm thankful that we were able to
listen to the prophets and apostles speak recently at general conference. I
know we are led by a true prophet today and that if we follow his counsel, we
won't go wrong.”
This
is the beginning of the testimony I shared in my friend’s Easter lesson on
March 29, 2013. (I shared the last part as the ending of this book.) “Church
has been hard for me emotionally for several years, so I used to only come when
I felt emotionally able to – which
didn't happen very often. But on the Sunday that my son was ordained to be
a deacon in April 2011, I decided to start attending church each week, whether
I felt like I could or not. A month later, I started reading the Book of
Mormon every day (in May 2011). I wasn't doing that very consistently
either because it would make me feel guilty. But from then on, I read,
regardless of how I felt. About four months later, I decided to start attending
the temple each week (in September 2011). For years, I tried and tried,
but failed to change. However, when I aligned my will with the Lord's will and
did things in His way, He was finally able to give me the strength I needed to
make a permanent change. With His help, I was able to consistently work on
one habit at a time and slowly turned my weaknesses into strengths (like it
says in Ether 12:27).”
I shared the following testimony during fast and
testimony meeting, prior to general conference, on September 27, 2015. “Since I have spent almost half of my life
struggling with depression and anxiety, I have the opportunity to spend the
rest of my life catching up and learning from others. I'm so thankful for my
good friends and family who are so kind and patient with me as I learn at my
own pace. One of the verses I read almost every day (my scriptures literally
fall open to that page) to help me when I am feeling less steady in my progress
is Ether 12:4. ‘Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a
better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of
faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and
steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.’ I really
appreciated watching the General Women's meeting. I was especially thankful for
President Uchtdorf's talk. In it, he quoted Great-Aunt Rose, ‘God didn’t design
us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to
notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world
will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many
good things do?... Now is part of eternity. It doesn’t only begin after we die!
Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you
now.…Everything… in the gospel—all the shoulds and the musts and the thou
shalts—lead to love. When we love God, we want to serve Him. We want to be like
Him. When we love our neighbors, we stop thinking so much about our own
problems and help others to solve theirs’ (“A
Summer with Great-Aunt Rose,” Ensign, Nov. 2015). I testify of that.
Reaching out to others – even if I didn't know what to say or do or even really
have much to offer – will forever bless
my life. My mantra over the past few years is: ‘Practice makes better.’ The
only way perfection is possible is through Christ's Atonement and as we
practice trying to live like Him. I'm thankful for the patience that He and
Heavenly Father have with me every minute of every day. They literally send
people and blessings directly into my life to bless me, help me, and teach me
what I need to know.”
I shared the following
testimony in fast and testimony meeting on December 6, 2015. “This has been a
very difficult month for me. I have been relatively settled in my progress and
testimony for the past couple of years, but I have been given a trial of my
faith this month that tested me to my core. However, I have emerged stronger in
my faith; closer to Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Spirit; more confident
about my ability to know Their will for me; and more sure of how to follow the
promptings I am given. I am thankful for the opportunities to step out into the
darkness in faith, knowing with a certainty that I will be blessed with more
light as I move forward trying to follow the promptings I receive. I am
thankful for the course corrections that come during that process and the way
we are tutored by the Lord during those times. I am thankful for the power and
safety that come into our lives when we are faithful to the covenants we have
made. I am thankful that we are able to pray about the things that the prophet
and apostles say so that we can gain a sure witness for ourselves. I am
thankful that we can find strength in the scriptures and that we can trust them
to guide our lives. Joseph Smith’s journey began when he read in the scriptures
to ask questions directly to God. As Joseph followed that counsel, the Lord was
able to use his willingness to restore Christ’s true gospel to the earth. I am
thankful for his example of doing difficult things that he knew were right.”
I continued, “I am thankful for the things I
have learned about agency and Christ’s Atonement being inextricably connected.
A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can't manipulate or
micro-manage other people's agency with my faith. In the temple, I received
even more guidance on that principle a couple of months ago. I now know that as
we allow Christ’s Atonement to sanctify us, we can better honor the agency of
others. In one of my favorite Relief Society lessons ever, we were reminded
that we don't just hang out by the tree of life and beckon to our loved ones to
come and partake of the fruit. Instead, we need to continue to partake of that
fruit constantly. That way, the love of God that is manifest through the Savior’s
Atonement will fill our hearts and lives with charity for ourselves and others.
I am thankful for the good friends that the Lord has brought into my life
during the past two years. They have truly helped me turn some of my stumbling
blocks into stepping stones. My good husband has been a great support to me as
well. I love the Savior deeply and I am so thankful for His atoning sacrifice.
I know that I owe all the progress I have made to Him and the enabling power or
grace that He extends so willingly to me. I have been willing to move my feet,
but he has given me the strength to take each step. I'm thankful for this
Christmas season where we all seem to turn our thoughts to Him more often. I'm
so thankful for the confirmation that I've been given that I'm heading in the
right direction.”
I
shared the following testimony on my 47th birthday in February 2019.
“…This morning, the Lord reminded me
very clearly that struggle is not the same as hypocrisy. As long as we continue
to try, we aren't hypocrites. I was asked to give a message in three Relief
Society meetings in three different stakes in the year before we moved here. I
was also reminded this morning that one of my main points was that progress
isn't always linear. Many people say that it's important to be better
tomorrow than you were today. And I agree, but maybe that isn't always possible
in a time of struggle. However, as we partner with Christ, our overall
trajectory is upward. When babies learn to walk, but then they start
teething and don't walk as much or choose to crawl instead for a while, we
don't think they have a character flaw. We just know they are struggling with
something. It's the same with grownups. We're all just big children and it
would be good if we remember that lesson for all of us too.”
I continued, “I think that even
Christ didn't feel a lot of joy in Gethsemane, but an angel was sent to
strengthen him. Hebrews 12:1-2 says, ‘...Let us run with patience the race that is set
before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the
joy that was set before him endured the cross… and is set down at the right
hand of the throne of God.’ Sometimes that's how things are for us
too. My institute teacher asked me spontaneously to give a spiritual
thought. She didn't know I had a hard weekend. I turned to this verse and knew
I needed to share it. ‘And the Lord provided for them that they should
hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea, and he also gave them strength,
that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in
the joy of Christ. Now this was according to the prayer of Alma; and this
because he prayed in faith’ (Alma 31:38). The answers and help are always there, but sometimes we
need to have a trial of our faith first and then the light comes through
personal revelation or the scriptures or a talk with a friend. When a door
closes (MS relapse), a window often opens (increased time for family history
and temple work).”
Henry B. Eyring
testified, “I thank our Heavenly Father for the gift of His Beloved Son, who
came voluntarily to earth to be our Redeemer. I am grateful to know that He
atoned for our sins and rose in the Resurrection. Every day I am blessed to
know that, because of His Atonement, I may someday be resurrected to live
forever in a loving family. I know those things by the only way any of us can know them. The Holy Ghost
has spoken to my mind and heart that they are true—not just once but
often. I have needed that continuing comfort” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May
2018).
Russell
M. Nelson gave this promise, “You don’t have to wonder about what is true (Moroni
10:5)… Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness that
the Book of Mormon is the word of God, that Joseph Smith is a prophet, and that
this is the Lord’s Church. Regardless of what others may say or do, no one can
ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true” (“Revelation for the Church,
Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).
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