Showing posts with label changing thought patterns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changing thought patterns. Show all posts

Friday, October 9, 2020

Summary and Miracles (fourth and final thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)

  •  Final update to my life coach on the evening before our 22nd coaching session: 

Coming back to what my coach has tried so hard to teach me: 

* I feel like all the emails I've sent her since Saturday morning have been part of my extremely long thought download. 

* I've tried to feel my feelings of sadness, confusion, frustration, regret, and disappointment by letting the tears come, rather than keeping them inside. 

* I've tried to understand why I felt the way I did and comfort myself, rather than continue to punish myself for all the errors in judgment I made along the way. 

* As I started to see it all in context, it was easier to understand why I made those errors and how I could show compassion to myself, since I wasn't actually trying to do anything wrong. 

* I have renewed my faith in the Savior's atonement by turning more fully toward Him. 

* I've tried to make some course corrections and I've realized that maybe nothing actually went permanently wrong--I can learn from my mistakes and eventually become stronger because of them. 

***

 A miracle happened today. My good friend (Divine Intersection #4) and her husband were invited to the temple for her nephew's pre-mission endowment. She handed out the endowment cards that I gave her at the end of February to the other family members who were attending the session--and ALL EIGHT were completed today! I was so grateful for that unexpected and miraculous gift God orchestrated to uplift me this afternoon just when I needed to know it was going to be okay. I wanted to share all of this with my coach, so that I didn't spend all of tomorrow's session just filling her in.

* My coach's reply: I love how God works through so many people . . . the eight people who just had their work done, the unexpected gift to remind you that everything is okay, the nephew who got to go to the temple still even in the midst of the pandemic, etc. I'm sure there were even more that we aren't even aware of. I think the real miracle for me to see is that you realized that maybe nothing actually permanently went wrong.

* My reply: I agree about the miracles. Heavenly Father is a genius at doing His work and allowing us to help where we can along the way.

***

My sister drove into town on Wednesday night and I was so grateful for the opportunity to walk with her yesterday morning (with our grandson in the stroller) before my coaching session. 

She shared some amazing miracles in her life:

* a neighbor who lives across the street who "just happens" to be a member of the church and is willing to help with car, sprinkler, and computer issues
* the only other family in their ward who has a dad/husband who is deployed "just happens" to have kids the same age as hers
* packages of food they sent miraculously reaching her deployed husband just when he was almost out of food . . .

Then I read these thought downloads to her at the end of our walk. When she was saying goodbye, she said that she thinks the reason I had such a mental block/emotional breakdown over the book is that my journey is continuing and there is still more that needs to be included in the book. I had never considered that I may be having a type of "stupor of thought." That gave me hope and helped me feel less upset about all the struggles of the past few weeks. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Worry Less and Laugh More

I always appreciate it when life coaches phrase ideas as questions. It feels more powerful to me.



My friend sent me this picture she took in Alaska.
They are plastic flamingos. :D
 

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 3)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 2011 – 2016 (all are available on her website)
* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)


Hilary Weeks (fast-ish tempo)

  • That’s Who I Am – Every Step (2011) – lyrics printed in chapter 9 (Walking Therapy)
  • Living Proof – Every Step (2011)
  • Dancing in the Rain – Every Step (2011) – lyrics printed in chapter 9 (Walking Therapy)
  • Past the Point – Every Step (2011)

  • It’s a Good Day – Say Love (2013)
  • Brave – Say Love (2013)
  • Tell Me – Say Love (2013)

  • Faith in the Middle – Love Your Life (2016)
  • Win The Day – Love Your Life (2016)
  • Every Good Thing – Love Your Life (2016)
  • The Beginning – Love Your Life (2016)

  • I Am the Storm – Live All In (March 2019)
  • Sunrise to Sunrise – Live All In (May 2019)
  • All In – Live All In (July 2019)
  • Back To Me – Live All In (August 2019)
  • I Was Wrong – Live All In (December 2019)

  • Soul on Fire – Live All In (June 2020)

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 2)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 1996 – 2016 (all are available on her website, except for her first 4 CDs)
* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)


Hilary Weeks (medium-ish tempo)

  • The Good Shepherd – He Hears Me (1996)
  • Roses and Thorns – He Hears Me (1996)

  • Unseen Hands – Lead Me Home (1999)

  • He is Able – I Will Not Forget (2001)
  • Give Ye to Me – I Will Not Forget (2001)
  • Peace – I Will Not Forget (2001)

  • Eyes of Faith – Day of Praise (2004)
  • Stronger – Day of Praise (2004)
  • Closer – Day of Praise (2004) 

  • Faultless – If I Only Had Today (2008)
  • He Loves Me – If I Only Had Today (2008)

  • Say Love – Say Love (2013)

  • Be Where You Are – Live All In (January 2019)  – lyrics listed in chapter 4 (Be Present)
  • Someday Down the Road – Live All In (October 2019)
  • More Mistakes to Make – Live All In (November 2019)

  • The Other Side of Fear – Live All In (July 2020)

  • When We Think About Christmas – Live All In (December 2018)
  • The Light of the World – Live All In (December 2019)

  • Christmastime – Christmastime (2002)
  • Christmas Once Again – Christmas Once Again (2009)

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 1)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This playlists include some songs from each of her eleven albums.
* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 1996 – 2016 (all are available on her website, except for her first 4 CDs)
* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)

* I have added notes to the side of just a few of them, but I could write a paragraph about all of them!


Hilary Weeks (slow-ish tempo)

  •  Living Waters (Woman of Samaria) – He Hears Me (1996)

  • The Perfect Prayer – Lead Me Home (1999)

  • Never Alone – I Will Not Forget (2001) / The Collection (2007)

  • All the Good – Day of Praise (2004)  – extra encouragement for women
  • He’ll Carry You – Day of Praise (2004) / The Collection (2007)

  • He Hears Me – The Collection (2007)
  • Who You Are – The Collection (2007) – extra encouragement for women

  • When You Least Expect It – If I Only Had Today (2008)
  • Reaching – If I Only Had Today (2008)

  • Beautiful Heartbreak – Every Step (2011)
  • This is Not Your Home – Every Step (2011)

  • Find Me – Every Step (2011)
  • I Found Me – Say Love (2013)

  • Another Second Chance – Say Love (2013)
  • Hero – Say Love (2013) – extra encouragement for women
  • Better Promises – Say Love (2013)
  • Even When – Say Love (2013)

  • Love Your Life – Love Your Life (2016)
  • The Waiting Place – Love Your Life (2016)
  • Tell Your Heart to Beat Again – Love Your Life (2016)
  • Blessed Hope and His Love – Love Your Life (2016)
  • June in December – Love Your Life (2016)

  • At the Same Time – Live All In (February 2019) – addresses grief
  • Even in the Silence – Live All In (April 2019)
  • What God Wants – Live All In (June 2019)
  • Fragile – Live All In (September 2019)

  • Keep Going – Live All In (January 2020) – addresses depression
  • Irreplaceable – Live All In (February 2020)
  • Avalanche – Live All In (March 2020)
  • Come As You Are – Live All In (April 2020) – addresses shame
  • Momma You Matter – Live All In (May 2020) – extra encouragement for women


Thursday, July 16, 2020

Chapter 7: Opposition in All Things

* I need to get ready for an appointment and this is all I have written so far for this chapter. I'm posting it anyway to keep my momentum going. (I returned to add more content on July 19, 2020.)

            Opposition will absolutely happen in this life. It is one thing we can definitely count on. We can fight against that reality or we can relax into it. We can choose to not be surprised by opposition and try to learn from it. Orson F. Whitney explained, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98). I’m grateful for the comfort that quote has given me over the years.
            There is an often-quoted verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ about opposition. “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad…” (2 Nephi 2:11). So life as a human is a 50/50 experience. Roughly half will be good and the other half will be uncomfortable in some way. When the opposition comes, we can remind ourselves that it’s part of life and nothing has actually gone permanently wrong. We layer additional suffering when we spend our time wondering why this had to happen or how unfair it is that it happened to us. One of the ways this opposition occurs is in our family relationships. Parents and children often provide built-in opposition for each other. Our homes and families are like laboratories for learning and sometimes there are explosions in laboratories. When the “explosions” happen, it alerts us that an adjustment is needed. We can learn to notice our thoughts and feelings in those moments. We can choose to focus on the ones that serve us best in creating an improved situation. Since the purpose is learning, it is okay to try again (and again) to improve. This opposition can act as a catalyst to turn our hearts to the Savior.
            James E. Faust gives us some additional perspective. “A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures.... Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance.... The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted. The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining.” (“Refined in OurTrials,” Ensign, Feb. 2006, pp. 2-7).
            We often emerge from a difficult experience with greater empathy. This helps us understand and have more capacity to help when other people experience their own trials. Opposition also provides contrast and may help us enjoy the times of peace and respite in between each trial more than we would otherwise. We can prepare for future trials by filling our souls drop by drop with Living Water and peace, so that we won’t be found parched and empty when the next trial hits us. And it will.

It's Not Wrong to Be Wrong

I just listened to a "Better Than Happy" podcast by Jody Moore titled "Strong Convictions Loosely Held." I have only listened to about 30 episodes over the past 2.5 years, but I have benefited so much from them - along with many of her free webinars. I take copious notes each time. I wanted to save the notes I took today in a place where I could easily access them. The ideas in brackets are my own thoughts.


  • Doing something wrong might make us feel guilty. That can easily slide into shame, which is thinking you're wrong about doing something wrong. The truth is, we're going to do it wrong about half of the time as humans and that's okay because it's one of the best ways to learn how to do things better. 
  • What if you're still just as worthy and lovable as if you had done it right? Justifying means you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't wrong. Using it as information to move forward and still love yourself just as much is a better overall approach. 
  • The founding fathers of our nation were inspired by God, but they still had some beliefs about several groups of humans (who were not straight white men) that were wrong. We don't need to judge them for being wrong, though. They were doing the best they could with what they knew. [Life is much more nuanced] than our [black and white, all or nothing thinking] brains want to believe. 
  • What if it's not wrong to be wrong? We all have blind spots and don't know some truths yet. And that's okay. We will continue to learn more if we stay open to different thoughts and we don't quit trying. 
  • Putting someone up on a pedestal is problematic because pedestals tend to fall over very easily. 
  • When you make peace with yourself and others about doing it wrong roughly half of the time, then you're free to love people unconditionally! You can just drop the judgement and move on. 
  • When you come out of the judgement fog, you can realize that it's not wrong to be wrong. It's just human. We are all just good humans trying to figure life out. 
  • If you beat yourself up because you think that will teach you or compensate for being wrong, you're just wrong about doing that. 
  • Instead, be okay with being wrong. It doesn't serve you or anyone else that was hurt by what you did. It just lets you decide what you will do next. 
  • Be willing to always consider that you could be wrong. Ask people to tell you more about why they think about something differently than you. Be open to learning and progressing from that space of humility. 
  • When someone criticizes you and you feel the resistance rising up, you can just look at your brain and notice how fascinating it is that you're making it mean that you're wrong (or that there is something wrong with you for being wrong). 
  • The best way to decide is to become more still and look closely at who I want to be and what my priorities are. Then decide whether or not something needs to change next time from a space of internal, inspired motivation. 
  • We can thank people for their opinion and we can stay open to consider that we may be wrong. As humans, we naturally place people in a narrative and that's okay. 
  • I choose to believe in [priesthood authority, keys, and ordinances which are found in] my religion. No one can show me anything that will change that. I could be wrong, but I choose to believe that it's right. It serves me well to believe it. [It's the same with whether my marriage will last for eternity or other important things in my life.] 
  • Loosen up your grip on being wrong a little and watch how peaceful your life becomes.

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Chapter 4: Be Present

The wise, old turtle in the animated movie, Kung Fu Panda, explains the essence of this chapter. “You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present” (Dreamworks, 2008). I have learned that it isn’t useful to dwell on the past with regret because there is nothing we can do to change it anyway. The past still exists only in our minds. So, if we find ourselves continuing to revisit the past, we can learn to re-frame our thoughts in a more useful way that serves us better in the present. It can also be detrimental to look too far into the future, since that has the potential to increase anxiety.
D. Todd Christofferson gives good counsel on this subject. Since we all need to eat each day, he uses the phrase “daily bread" to make his point. “Asking God for our daily bread, rather than our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread, is also a way to focus us on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day (or even just part of one day) at a time…. The Spirit can guide us when to look ahead and when we should just deal with this one day, with this one moment.” He continues, “…asking for and receiving daily bread at God's hand plays a vital part in learning to trust God and in enduring life's challenges. We also need a daily portion of divine bread to become [better]” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).
In the last chapter, I discussed gradual personal improvement. Elder Christofferson describes it as “a step-by-step process. Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions most often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow, and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until victory is achieved. But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).
My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Be Where You Are.” (It is included in her Live All In program for 2019.) The lyrics are very helpful to me and I share them with her permission:

When the world seems to rest on your shoulders

And worry is all you see

You start borrowing pain from the future

That may never come to be

And you wish you could be somewhere else in time
But there’s so much beauty right before your eyes
Chorus:
So be where you are while you’re here
Live every breathtaking, ordinary moment
Embrace here and now and let everything else disappear
Be where you are while you’re here
Tomorrow has endless potential
Yesterday’s memories are sweet
But today is the gift you’ve been given
There are no other guarantees
So live every moment the best that you can
Give the ones that you love all the love you have
Don’t chase peace away when things are okay
Don’t miss the lessons when things get tough
Time’s gonna change things, ready or not
So just for a moment, let this moment be enough

            If you find yourself spending time worrying about all the things that could go wrong in the future, you will miss out on the simple beauty of each moment. That is why mindfulness is such a powerful principle. It grounds us in the present moment, so we can experience it more fully. I recently listened to an audio book titled The Founder of Our Peace: Christ-Centered Patterns for Easing Worry, Stress, and Fear.  Even that title alone is reassuring. In chapter two, the author explains a productive way to deal with worry in three basic steps. “First, identify the specific thing you’re worried about. Second, turn what you’re worried about into a statement of what you would like to have happen. Third, do something to act on what you would like to have happen. Or, if nothing can be done, trust that God will address it and forget about it by laying it at the feet of the Savior” (John Hilton III, 2020). I don't know if it's possible to completely forget an ongoing worry, but I do believe it can be put into a more realistic or hopeful perspective than we sometimes experience it.
            The main reason I appreciate the “daily bread” reference is that it reminds me to focus my attention on the Savior. “...And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Dale G. Renlund counsels us to “remember, joyfully and reverently, that the Savior loves to restore what you cannot restore; He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal; He loves to fix what has been irreparably broken; He compensates for any unfairness inflicted on you; and He loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts” ("Consider the Goodness and Greatness of God," Ensign, May 2020). That is why we can trust Him with our worry (and our regret). Often, those thoughts will bubble up again and that just reminds me to turn them back over to the Savior. Again and again, if necessary. 
                Hilary Weeks co-wrote another song with Cherie Call titled “All In.” (It is also included in her Live All In program for 2019.) Part of those lyrics apply here and I share them with her permission.

…I give thanks for all You do
You’ve got my life right in Your hands
And I feel safe ‘cause you understand completely
Chorus
I’m all in, all in
Nothing’s gonna take me away from where you are
I’m all in, all in
Nothing’s gonna change my heart
I’m all in
…Why would I leave, where would I go
You give me peace I’ve always known completely
Half a heart won’t do
I’m giving everything to You…

            Thomas S. Monson explained, “This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it…. There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today, and to live most fully today, we must do that which is of greatest importance. Let us not procrastinate those things which matter most.” He then shared this perspective from a woman who stopped “putting off the things most important to her…. ‘Now I spend more time with my family…. I try not to delay or postpone anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.’” He continued, “Let us … find joy in the journey. The old adage ‘Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today’ is doubly important when it comes to expressing our love and affection – in word and in deed – to family members and friends…. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.” He concludes with this wise summary, “Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present” (“In Search of Treasure,” Ensign, May 2003). Another often-quoted phrase by Bill Keane is also similar to the one at the beginning of the chapter. “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” Choose to live in the present and to be present in each moment.  

* I added some content to the end on July 19, 2020.

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Self-coaching reminders about thoughts

I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.) 

This is Lake Tekapo in New Zealand. 

I've never been there, but it just looked so peaceful to me. Plus, I love purple flowers. 


This is Crested Butte, Colorado. 

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

Therefore, whatever result I'm experiencing in life always references back to the thought. Thoughts are optional because we can learn to choose however we want to think about any circumstance. 

Actions are either something I am or am NOT doing because of my thoughts and feelings about a circumstance. Therefore, INACTION is still an action. 


Here are two more ways to describe a thought. 


Do you remember this example from psychology class? 

At first, you may only see a young woman or an old woman. But if you focus on seeing something different, eventually the other woman appears. After that, it's not difficult to notice both at the same time. 

I have heard this called a paradigm shift and it's the shift I'm trying to focus on with my thinking. 


This is another perception example from psychology class. 

Because of agency and "opposition in all things" there are always at least two opposing thoughts in each situation that can both seem true. The trick is to choose the one that best serves you in the life you want to have. I'm looking forward to the day when that becomes more automatic for me.



This is the only way to safely bring thoughts into the light for examination. 


This is Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.  
(I created this from a panoramic photo I found, so it's the left side of the picture. 
The other two parts of the picture are used in the following post about feelings.)

I'm slowly learning to apply these new ways of thinking in my life. It takes a lot of practice.