Chapter 27: Faith, Prayer, and Miracles

 Yesterday, was a difficult day. The combination of several circumstances left me feeling helpless, resentful, and angry (which are all extremely uncomfortable emotions for me). I've also felt growing pressure to finish this book and hit another writer's block this week. I went to sleep last night feeling somewhat defeated. However, this morning, I fell to my knees and pleaded for help to get back on track. That help came and I'm so grateful. As I researched and wrote this chapter, I gradually felt my hope and confidence returning. 

            I experienced daily miracles during my experiences with visiting, family history work, and temple worship. I regularly received confidence and ability beyond my own. I often came home and shared these experiences with my family. I am so grateful for these miracles and have made it a point to celebrate them each time they occur. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song that contains this same idea. It's title is “Love Your Life” (from the Love Your Life CD, 2016) and I share part of the lyrics, with her permission:

…Celebrate the everyday miracles surrounding you and always assume the best

Do what you can, give everything you have then give God the rest

…And don’t be afraid to shine

…Go beyond your fears

Explore new ground

Be true to yourself

And when in doubt

Listen to your heart as it whispers where you need to go and always look up

Make somebody smile every chance you get and don’t forget

You’re already enough

…And give your dreams time…

            Two quotes that inspire me are originally attributed to Albert Einstein. The first is, “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” A good friend shared a way of saying this that resonates even more with me, “There are no coincidences. There are only miracles where God chooses to be anonymous.” The second quote is even more compelling: “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I choose to believe that all good fortune is a miracle. I have found that when I look for miracles, I find them scattered like God’s fingerprints throughout my day. When in doubt, I always give credit to God. I have written about some of these miracles and “divine intersections” in other chapters. In this chapter, I will focus on the doctrine behind those miracles.

            Ronald A. Rasband explained, “Our lives are like a chessboard, and the Lord moves us from one place to another—if we are responsive to spiritual promptings. Looking back, we can see His hand in our lives…. They are not by accident but by God’s plan. We can see such heavenly intervention when Nephi returns to get the plates from Laban. He 'was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things [that he] should do' (1 Nephi 4:6)…. Did Alma just happen upon Amulek? No, it was no coincidence that he went into the city by the way that would lead him to this faithful man who would (feed him and) become his missionary companion…. He who fashioned this world can calm the seas with His word and can steer both Alma and Amulek and Nephi and Laban to be at the right place at precisely the right time. Likewise, events and associations unfold in each of our lives that further God’s work on earth…. What may appear to be a random chance is, in fact, overseen by a loving Father in Heaven…. The Lord is in the small details of our lives, and those incidents and opportunities are to prepare us to lift our families and others… Remember, as the Lord said to Abraham, 'I know the end from the beginning; therefore my hand shall be over thee'" (Abraham 2:8).

            I have mentioned several of these experiences from my own life in this book and he shared a few from his. He continued, “Looking back, I realize I did not orchestrate any of those moves; the Lord did, just as He is orchestrating important moves for you and for those you love. What should you be looking for in your own life? What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, ‘I am right here’? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement. Sometimes we consider changes in our plans as missteps on our journey. Think of them more as first steps to being ‘on the Lord’s errand.’ …Heavenly Father can put us in situations with specific intent in mind. He has done so in my life, and He is doing so in yours…. Each of us is precious and loved by the Lord, who cares, who whispers, and who watches over us in ways unique to each of us. He is infinitely wiser and more powerful than mortal men and women. He knows our challenges, our triumphs, and the righteous desires of our hearts….The Lord loves to be with us. It is no coincidence that when you are feeling His Spirit and acting on first promptings that you feel Him as He promised: ‘I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.’”

                He continued with this explanation, “Now, where does our agency fit in a ‘divine design’? We have a choice to follow or to not follow our Savior… Not all that the Lord asks of us is a result of how strong we are, how faithful we are, or what we may know. Think of Saul, whom the Lord stopped on the road to Damascus. He was going the wrong direction in his life…. Saul was divinely redirected. When he was known later as Paul, his apostolic ministry reflected what the Lord already knew he was capable of doing and becoming, not what he had set out to do as Saul. In the same manner, the Lord knows what each of us is capable of doing and becoming. What did the Apostle Paul teach? ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). When we are righteous, willing, and able, when we are striving to be worthy and qualified, we progress to places we never imagined and become part of Heavenly Father’s ‘divine design.’ Each of us has divinity within us. When we see God working through us and with us, may we be encouraged, even grateful for that guidance. When our Father in Heaven said, ‘This is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man,’ He was talking about all of His children—you in particular. The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By ‘divine design,’ He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths.’ I testify that He will bless you, sustain you, and bring you peace" (“By Divine Design,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

          Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God not only loves (us), but he is ever mindful of (us) and of (our) needs…. God does nothing by chance, but always by design as a loving father…. William Law observed: ‘It is said that the very hairs of your head are all numbered; is it not to teach us that nothing, not the smallest things imaginable, happen to us by chance? But if the smallest things we can conceive of are declared to be under the divine direction, need we, or can we, be more plainly taught that the greatest things of life, such as the manner of our coming into the world, our parents, the time, and other circumstances of our birth and condition, are all according to the eternal purposes, direction, and appointment of divine Providence?’” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

            David A. Bednar explained, “Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Recall how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them comfortless. Not only would He send 'another Comforter' (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18). Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings” (“The Tender Mercies of the Lord,” Ensign, May 2005).

            I once gave a lesson about prayer to the women in our congregation. Prayer is a powerful way to invite miracles into our lives. Ezra Taft Benson testified, “God is mindful of us and ready to respond to our prayers when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is power in prayer. All things are possible through prayer. It was through prayer that the heavens were opened in this dispensation” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 54). When he was just 14 years old, Joseph Smith read this passage in James 1:5-6, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not [upbraid means: to criticize severely or find fault with]; and it shall be given him.  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering…”

            Ezra Taft Benson explained, “God does hear and answer prayers…. I know without any question that it is possible for men and women to reach out in humility and prayer and tap that Unseen Power; to have prayers answered. Man does not stand alone, or at least, he need not stand alone. Prayer will open doors; prayer will remove barriers; prayer will ease pressures; prayer will give inner peace and comfort during times of strain and stress and difficulty. Thank God for prayer. Even during hours of trial and anxiety, it is possible to draw close to the Lord, to feel of his influence and of his sustaining power—that one is never alone, if he will only humble himself before the Almighty. I am grateful for that testimony, for that assurance. God is mindful of us and ready to respond when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is no place for fear among men and women who place their trust in the Almighty, who do not hesitate to humble themselves in seeking divine guidance through prayer. Though … reverses come, in prayer we can find reassurance, for God will speak peace to the soul. That peace, that spirit of serenity, is life’s greatest blessing” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 55).

            In The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Jesus visited the people on the American continent after his crucifixion. He taught, “And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Nephi 18:20). Prayer and faith are two of my favorite topics in the Bible dictionary and they work together to produce miracles. The Bible dictionary explains, “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings” (“Prayer,” Bible Dictionary).

      The Bible dictionary explains, “Faith is a principle of action and of power, and by it one can … influence any number of circumstances when occasion warrants… Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfillment of the things hoped for…. Although faith is a gift, it must be… sought after… Where there is true faith there are miracles… and all the gifts of God that He gives…” (“Faith,” Bible Dictionary).

      Neal L. Anderson described faith in a way that was extremely powerful for me. In fact, I printed it out and it has hung at eye level above my desk since 2015. He explained, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. ….Faith emits a spiritual light, and that light is discernible. Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek it and hold on to it. Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker…. The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice” (“Faith is Not by Chance, but By Choice,” Ensign, May 2015). In the New Testament, Jesus taught, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you” (Matthew 17:20). I have often wondered how this could be physically possible. One day, I realized very clearly that figurative mountains of fear, doubt, and other struggles can be moved through faith in Christ.

            I wrote about grace in a previous chapter, but I wanted to save one part for this chapter. Shawna Edwards lives in our previous neighborhood. She wrote a song called The Miracle. These are the powerful words that bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it, “Jesus is a God of miracles. Nothing is at all impossible to Him. But I know this: Of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me.” She described in a blog post how the lyrics came to her and closes with these powerful words, “The Atonement of Jesus Christ really does rescue us – every minute of every hour of every day.” (“The Miracle,” Shawna Edwards Music, 15 Nov 2014). The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ explains this well, “Thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I… knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen…. Wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole” (Enos 1:5-8).

            S. Michael Wilcox explained a powerful way to pray that I am still trying to apply in my life. “The soul can be described as a vessel that fills from time to time with various emotions, thoughts, memories, questions, and so forth. The very phrase pour out suggests this visual image. I have found it useful to see my soul as a vessel; I often ask myself what it contains before I kneel before the Lord. There is a difference to my approach when I say ‘I’m going to pour out my soul to God’ rather than ‘I’m going to say my prayers.’ The very phrase suggests there will be no holding back…. It is helpful to me to understand or recognize exactly what is in my soul. I must be totally honest with myself. Is it confusion, or doubt, or sorrow, or love, or gratitude, or guilt, or shame, or worry?... I sense that unless we pour out, He cannot pour in. We want to make sure we empty everything to make room for what he will give us in return.” (Face to Face: Seeking a Personal Relationship with God, 25-26).

            I love these powerful phrases from the Doctrine and Covenants: “Pray always, that you may come off conquerer... that you may conquer Satan…” (10:5). “Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing... even more than if you should obtain treasures of earth…” (19:38). “Calling on the name of the Lord for the Comforter, which shall teach (you) all things that are expedient for (you) – Praying always that (you) faint not...” (75:10-11). My mom’s favorite scripture has always been, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good…” (90:24). Since it’s not always possible to pray on our knees, we can pray in our mind throughout the day. The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ wisely counsels, “Let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto Him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” (Alma 34:27). The combination of faith and prayer invites miracles into our lives. The more we look for miracles with grateful eyes and hearts, the more we will see and feel them.

Chapter 21: Leaving the Comfort Zone

            When I made the decision to start visiting women, I needed to be willing to leave my comfort zone. Abigail Brenner, M.D. explains some of the “benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone…Taking risks, regardless of their outcome, are growth experiences. Even if you make mistakes or don’t get it right the first time those become experiences you can tap into in the future. There really is no such thing as ‘fail’ if you get something out of the experience. And just so you know, ‘FAIL’ re-framed means ‘First Attempt in Learning.’ Don’t settle for the mediocre just to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s too big a price to pay. Your challenges and risk experiences are cumulative. Every time you try something new, and allow yourself to be open to whatever experience arises, you are learning, and expanding your repertoire of life skills and self-knowledge. As you do this you also expand the size of your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone ultimately helps you to deal with change—and making change in a much better way. Life transitions are all about change. Each time you transition you move to another level. Inevitably, these life transitions transform you” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015).

            The Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Christ is a good example of leaving the comfort zone. “And when the disciples saw (Jesus) walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him” (Matthew 14:26-31).

  

            A missionary in the addiction recovery program gave this picture to me after we went on a walk together. I appreciate how it makes the story more personal for me. We sometimes talk about how Peter lost faith because he focused on the wind and the waves. However, the point I want to emphasize is that Peter had the courage to leave the safety of the boat. He was willing to go outside of his comfort zone… and then he actually took some steps on the water! It doesn’t really matter how many steps he took or that he eventually started to sink. The point is that he tried and succeeded in his attempt.

            Abigail Brenner continues, “It may seem overwhelming to step into the unknown. But instead of thinking of the ‘big picture,’ break down what you want or need to accomplish by making small changes. Small changes accumulate and each builds upon the last. Try to make small changes that take you out of the everyday and familiar, yet are not too emotionally challenging…. My takeaway: I have within myself the ability to make big change. I did it once. I can do it again. You can, too.” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015). This is wise counsel.

            Daring to do something different takes courage. But we can learn to be brave. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, co-wrote a song with Scott Wiley titled “Brave” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). It became my theme song during my visiting journey. I share the lyrics with Hilary’s permission.

There are moments when you feel it and you know

Something amazing is happening within your soul

And nothing can hold back what’s inside you

Let it move you, let it lead your heart

Don’t be afraid to let yourself believe in who you are

‘Cause today you’re gonna be

Brave

You are brave

Let your brave come through

Let it define you

You are meant to be brave

Get your shoes, grab your courage, open the door

You’re about to see a you you’ve never seen before

And Heaven will be there beside you

In the moments when the walls seem away too high

Trust your instincts, breathe, then start to climb

‘Cause you have always been…

Brave when you think you can’t

Strong when you have fallen…

Bold enough to stand and be

Brave…

            I believe we need to give ourselves credit for even the smallest baby step in the right direction. We need to acknowledge the progress we make in all areas of our life, including reaching out to others in love. Then if we make mistakes or feel like we have failed, the Savior will reach down and help us up. We have never truly failed if we continue to get up and try again. When we show our willingness to stretch ourselves, I believe Heavenly Father honors our intentions. As we ask in faith, I believe He gives us opportunities to practice. With His help, we can each do great things…and they usually require us to leave our comfort zone. 

Part 3: Reaching Out to Others With Love

* Last night, I printed out what I have written so far. I was so surprised to find that I have written approximately 65 double spaced pages now. I'm very grateful for the inspiration and obvious help I've been given as I have attempted to write. Writing is very difficult for me, but it has flowed much easier this time around, which has been such a relief. So, I'm just going to continue posting what I write each day. When I have a complete draft, I will then go back and try to make additional improvements. 

(I revisited this post on August 15, 2020 to add the song lyrics and content at the end.) 

            As I’ve mentioned in previous chapters, my husband told me he didn’t believe in August 2012. I had a hard time understanding and reconciling that for the following months. Then I became very depressed again in April 2013. However, I kept functioning. That’s how I knew it was a type of mourning, rather than clinical depression resurfacing. One evening, I prayed to know what more I could do to move past this feeling of sadness and loss – because I sincerely didn’t want to feel any kind of adversarial feelings toward my husband. I distinctly heard the words in my head, “you need to know more people in the stake.” (A stake is several congregations within a geographic area.) That seemed like an odd thought on several levels – and I knew it hadn’t come from me.

            At that point, I was still just walking to destinations. I had very limited social interaction and thought it would have been more reasonable to just know more people in my cul-de-sac or neighborhood.  However, I knew what I heard, so I tried to figure out how to proceed. As I worked to follow that prompting, the evidence for it grew. At first, I thought that I was continuing to overcome my social anxiety and depression through visiting people. And that was true. But it became more and more clear as time went on that one of the reasons was to find the individual friends I needed to help me through current and future challenges. I would later understand that the Lord would also be able to help those friends through me. I will share specific examples of this in the following chapters.

            In April 1992, about a year prior to my official missionary service, Marvin J. Ashton gave some wise counsel that has influenced me throughout my life. He began, “Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again.” He then gave a description that has been helpful to me ever since. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” That quote was taped to the wall next to my bed during the entire 18 months of my full-time mission.

            He continued, “ None of us need one more person... pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends…. brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses.” He concluded, “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people. ...Be one who nurtures and who builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them” (“The Tongue Can be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992).

            These are guiding principles I tried to follow when I reached out to people during my visiting journey and as I continue to interact with people in all areas of my life. I am also very grateful when people choose to treat me this way. It inspires me to continue improving as I attempt to reach out to others in love and kindness.

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Say Love” (on the CD also titled Say Love, 2013). I share the lyrics with her permission:

A picture might be worth a thousand words,

but a heart can be changed with one.

Lives are shaped and minds are changed

by what is said and what is not.

There’s a shortage in this world of “I believe in you’s”

and somebody, somewhere needs some.

So say love, only love…

We all give words away.

Doesn’t cost anyone a dime.

But everybody knows there’s a price to be paid

when the words are something less than kind.

So say love, only love…

I still remember every word that you said to me

when I was falling down…

How it lifted me up… How it lifted me…

So say love. 

You never know who might need it… Say love. 

            Even though those original visits are over, I want to always reach out to others in love and friendship. I hope it will be my way of life forever. I try to remind myself that the original mission of the church was to “strengthen the saints, proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, and care for the poor and the needy.”  Now, we often talk about how important it is to “hasten the work of salvation.”  For me, that means I can just increase my efforts in any of those areas in small and simple ways each day. Which basically just translates to reaching out to others in love.  

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.

Chapter 13: Setting Expectations and Boundaries

* I'm posting what I've written so far about expectations. (I returned the next day to start writing about boundaries.)

            Once I was on a walk with a friend and she described expectations as “premeditated resentments.” Some people recommend just not having expectations, but sometimes I think that’s a tall order. It’s always a good idea to adjust our expectations, though, so we won’t be disappointment if things don’t go the way we hope they will. I choose to believe that people are usually doing the best they can with what they know. When people aren't being their best, the thing that will help most is to love them anyway. Not allowing yourself to get entangled in drama is also a good idea. Drama always thrives when we inflict unnecessary pain and suffering onto ourselves and others. Unnecessary pain happens when we layer guilt, resentment, shame, or regret on top of pain that already exists. Another friend used to tell me, “Thou shalt not ‘should’ on thyself!” when I had unrealistic expectations of myself and my abilities. Telling ourselves we should do something or shouldn't do something often creates the wrong kind of pressure and I think it impedes real progress.

            My husband and I have never been traditional gift givers. We like to wait until we see a need and then we try to give a helpful gift then, rather than always giving gifts on the observed or traditional holidays. So when people ask me if I’m ready for Christmas, I reply, “I’m always ready for Christmas.” I’m often given interesting looks when I exclaim this. But it’s not about the gifts wrapped in fancy paper or given in gift bags stuffed just right with color coordinated tissue paper. Those are kind and appreciated gestures of love, but Christmas is about so much more. Hilary Weeks wrote a song titled “When We Think About Christmas” (and it’s included in her Live All In program). The lyrics explain my feelings on this subject and I share them with her permission.  

…It’s a time to reflect on our blessings

When kindness and giving abound

It’s the way we should be living all year round

Chorus

When we think about Christmas we think about love

Love turns our hearts to God

God makes us holy as we become His

That’s what I love about Christmas

The wonders of His love

And grace from Heaven above

Bring us joy, everlasting joy and makes us one

That’s what we love about Him

            I have similar feelings about Easter. Both holidays are about the Savior – his birth and atoning sacrifice. David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman are two other amazing people who inspire me regularly. They explain celebrations for Christmas and Easter in a unique and profound way in both their books and “Don’t Miss This” YouTube videos. I highly recommend them.

            I’ve learned a lot about boundaries while working with my life coach and listening to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. Boundaries and expectations are very different. The purpose of a boundary is not to punish or control another person. Boundaries are a healthy way to show and keep love in our relationships. They show our authentic self and actually increase intimacy. A well-constructed boundary follows this pattern: “if this happens… then I will…” Boundaries are created by you, for you. We can make requests of others. However, we don’t try to control or manipulate others. Therefore, we keep the power, rather than giving it away to someone else. The ideal emotion to create a boundary from is love. That is the kind of boundary that will serve us the best in our relationships (see "Boundaries," Pivot Parenting, 21 July 2020).

Chapter 18: Spheres of Influence

* It took me almost the whole day to write this because life provides lots of little interruptions! (I returned on August 15th to add a picture, some song lyrics by Kenneth Cope, and a passage from Brad Wilcox's book.)

            I have been fascinated with three related phrases for several years. A person’s “sphere of influence” is the area where they have power to change or influence things. When an object is dropped in water, it sends out ripples that expand across the water. Likewise, when an event occurs that has a lasting, exponential impact, it is often referred to as a “ripple effect.” Sometimes, when it isn’t possible to pay back a kindness, a person may choose to “pay it forward as a way to express their gratitude. Perhaps, one of the reasons for my interest in these phrases is that they can all be applied to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and our response to its effect on our lives.

            Neal A. Maxwell eloquently explained, “ Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate…. Part of God’s ‘ample provision’ consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled ‘in the arms of [His] love’ (D&C 6:20)” (“Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Ensign, November 2002).

            Hilary Weeks wrote about how she struggled with feeling inadequate earlier in her life. “As I drove home I was feeling kind of bad about myself. Then the Spirit whispered a thought that has changed my life: Don’t worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you.” Now she compliments people, thinks of interesting questions to ask, and smiles first. She continues, “Focusing on others takes the worry away and helps me to be happy and confident” (Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are, pp. 19-20). As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I have spent a few minutes with Hilary on several different occasions over the past six years and she does just that.

            I drove up to Bountiful with a friend to attend a dinner party on August 19, 2017. This picture was taken as we were helping my friend to prepare the wontons for our Chinese dinner. 

I'm sitting next to Kenneth Cope and his wife. I was grateful to have the chance to thank him for his uplifting music. I attended Especially For Youth at BYU in 1986 and he wrote the theme song that year. On my full-time mission, I played his song, "Pass It On" (from the 1993 EFY cassette tape I loved listening to before I left home) as part of a message during some of our dinner appointments with members in the area. I made a CD of some of my favorite inspirational music a few years ago and it includes the song, "Broken," which he wrote with Eliza Cope. It uplifts me each time I hear it. (It is one of the songs on the 2005 EFY CD titled A More Excellent Way.) Below are most of the powerful lyrics:

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ 'til His name feels broken in

...And, yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name – my God loves broken things...

I'm grateful for his willingness to share his singing and songwriting talent that blesses my life and the lives of countless others.  

                I was given the opportunity to sit at the same table with Brad Wilcox and his wife during the actual dinner. It was just the three of us, which also gave me the chance to thank him for the lasting impact his July 2011 BYU devotional talk, "His Grace is Sufficient," has made on my life. Brad is a BYU professor, well-known speaker, author of several best-selling books. and was called as the second counselor in the Young Men general presidency of the Church in April 2020. He and his wife were both very kind and considerate during our time together. They asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the experiences I shared. In fact, Brad asked for my address, which I wrote on a napkin. A few days later, an autographed copy of his newest book, Changed by Grace, arrived in the mail. I’m sure there have been many other conversations with similar napkins. However, that made a lasting impact on me. 

            In that book, he comments on 2 Nephi 2:8, which teaches that we are saved "through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." I love how he explains these terms in such an understandable way and especially how they build upon each other. "Christ's merits mean He was the only one authorized and able to perform the Atonement. His anointing in the premortal world, unique birth, and perfect life made Him the only one who could atone for us. The fact that He chose to do so means He loves us. Christ's mercies mean that He was willing to save us from physical and spiritual deaths that came in consequence of the Fall. Even though we are completely undeserving, He can resurrect us, forgive us as we repent, and enter into a covenant relationship with us. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us just the way we are. Christ's grace means that He stands ready to transform and exalt us. He offers His divine help throughout that perfecting process. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are."

            Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler are also well-known speakers and best-selling authors. They co-host “Don’t Miss This,” which has helped me study the Come Follow Me curriculum in a way that doesn't feel so lonely, since I'm the only one in our home who actively participates in gospel study. They share insights about the scriptures in weekly YouTube videos that I enjoy watching. They are very talented at combining humor with spirituality and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I think that is a really valuable combination. They have emphasized that regardless of our calling or station in life, we are all called to love others.

            I’ve noticed that people sometimes form into cliques among a larger group. Often, there is a tendency to be less friendly to people outside the clique. Social sciences refer to this as “in-group” and “out-group.” I am always impressed with people who are confident enough to be friends with people in all the groups. Their sphere of influence is much greater because they are inclusive. Virginia U. Jensen explained, “Sisters in all life circumstances have opportunities to build and nurture others within their sphere of influence” (“Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment,” Ensign, November 1999). We each have a unique sphere of influence. Hilary, Emily, David, Brad, and Kenneth have a large sphere of influence and I’m grateful for the amazing amount of good they do in the world. However, each of us can spend our time lifting others and improving life for people around us in small and simple ways. Showing kindness, mercy, empathy, and love creates a positive ripple effect for good.