Chapter 21: Leaving the Comfort Zone

            When I made the decision to start visiting women, I needed to be willing to leave my comfort zone. Abigail Brenner, M.D. explains some of the “benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone…Taking risks, regardless of their outcome, are growth experiences. Even if you make mistakes or don’t get it right the first time those become experiences you can tap into in the future. There really is no such thing as ‘fail’ if you get something out of the experience. And just so you know, ‘FAIL’ re-framed means ‘First Attempt in Learning.’ Don’t settle for the mediocre just to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s too big a price to pay. Your challenges and risk experiences are cumulative. Every time you try something new, and allow yourself to be open to whatever experience arises, you are learning, and expanding your repertoire of life skills and self-knowledge. As you do this you also expand the size of your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone ultimately helps you to deal with change—and making change in a much better way. Life transitions are all about change. Each time you transition you move to another level. Inevitably, these life transitions transform you” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015).

            The Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Christ is a good example of leaving the comfort zone. “And when the disciples saw (Jesus) walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him” (Matthew 14:26-31).

  

            A missionary in the addiction recovery program gave this picture to me after we went on a walk together. I appreciate how it makes the story more personal for me. We sometimes talk about how Peter lost faith because he focused on the wind and the waves. However, the point I want to emphasize is that Peter had the courage to leave the safety of the boat. He was willing to go outside of his comfort zone… and then he actually took some steps on the water! It doesn’t really matter how many steps he took or that he eventually started to sink. The point is that he tried and succeeded in his attempt.

            Abigail Brenner continues, “It may seem overwhelming to step into the unknown. But instead of thinking of the ‘big picture,’ break down what you want or need to accomplish by making small changes. Small changes accumulate and each builds upon the last. Try to make small changes that take you out of the everyday and familiar, yet are not too emotionally challenging…. My takeaway: I have within myself the ability to make big change. I did it once. I can do it again. You can, too.” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015). This is wise counsel.

            Daring to do something different takes courage. But we can learn to be brave. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, co-wrote a song with Scott Wiley titled “Brave” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). It became my theme song during my visiting journey. I share the lyrics with Hilary’s permission.

There are moments when you feel it and you know

Something amazing is happening within your soul

And nothing can hold back what’s inside you

Let it move you, let it lead your heart

Don’t be afraid to let yourself believe in who you are

‘Cause today you’re gonna be

Brave

You are brave

Let your brave come through

Let it define you

You are meant to be brave

Get your shoes, grab your courage, open the door

You’re about to see a you you’ve never seen before

And Heaven will be there beside you

In the moments when the walls seem away too high

Trust your instincts, breathe, then start to climb

‘Cause you have always been…

Brave when you think you can’t

Strong when you have fallen…

Bold enough to stand and be

Brave…

            I believe we need to give ourselves credit for even the smallest baby step in the right direction. We need to acknowledge the progress we make in all areas of our life, including reaching out to others in love. Then if we make mistakes or feel like we have failed, the Savior will reach down and help us up. We have never truly failed if we continue to get up and try again. When we show our willingness to stretch ourselves, I believe Heavenly Father honors our intentions. As we ask in faith, I believe He gives us opportunities to practice. With His help, we can each do great things…and they usually require us to leave our comfort zone. 

Part 3: Reaching Out to Others With Love

* Last night, I printed out what I have written so far. I was so surprised to find that I have written approximately 65 double spaced pages now. I'm very grateful for the inspiration and obvious help I've been given as I have attempted to write. Writing is very difficult for me, but it has flowed much easier this time around, which has been such a relief. So, I'm just going to continue posting what I write each day. When I have a complete draft, I will then go back and try to make additional improvements. 

(I revisited this post on August 15, 2020 to add the song lyrics and content at the end.) 

            As I’ve mentioned in previous chapters, my husband told me he didn’t believe in August 2012. I had a hard time understanding and reconciling that for the following months. Then I became very depressed again in April 2013. However, I kept functioning. That’s how I knew it was a type of mourning, rather than clinical depression resurfacing. One evening, I prayed to know what more I could do to move past this feeling of sadness and loss – because I sincerely didn’t want to feel any kind of adversarial feelings toward my husband. I distinctly heard the words in my head, “you need to know more people in the stake.” (A stake is several congregations within a geographic area.) That seemed like an odd thought on several levels – and I knew it hadn’t come from me.

            At that point, I was still just walking to destinations. I had very limited social interaction and thought it would have been more reasonable to just know more people in my cul-de-sac or neighborhood.  However, I knew what I heard, so I tried to figure out how to proceed. As I worked to follow that prompting, the evidence for it grew. At first, I thought that I was continuing to overcome my social anxiety and depression through visiting people. And that was true. But it became more and more clear as time went on that one of the reasons was to find the individual friends I needed to help me through current and future challenges. I would later understand that the Lord would also be able to help those friends through me. I will share specific examples of this in the following chapters.

            In April 1992, about a year prior to my official missionary service, Marvin J. Ashton gave some wise counsel that has influenced me throughout my life. He began, “Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again.” He then gave a description that has been helpful to me ever since. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” That quote was taped to the wall next to my bed during the entire 18 months of my full-time mission.

            He continued, “ None of us need one more person... pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends…. brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses.” He concluded, “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people. ...Be one who nurtures and who builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them” (“The Tongue Can be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992).

            These are guiding principles I tried to follow when I reached out to people during my visiting journey and as I continue to interact with people in all areas of my life. I am also very grateful when people choose to treat me this way. It inspires me to continue improving as I attempt to reach out to others in love and kindness.

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Say Love” (on the CD also titled Say Love, 2013). I share the lyrics with her permission:

A picture might be worth a thousand words,

but a heart can be changed with one.

Lives are shaped and minds are changed

by what is said and what is not.

There’s a shortage in this world of “I believe in you’s”

and somebody, somewhere needs some.

So say love, only love…

We all give words away.

Doesn’t cost anyone a dime.

But everybody knows there’s a price to be paid

when the words are something less than kind.

So say love, only love…

I still remember every word that you said to me

when I was falling down…

How it lifted me up… How it lifted me…

So say love. 

You never know who might need it… Say love. 

            Even though those original visits are over, I want to always reach out to others in love and friendship. I hope it will be my way of life forever. I try to remind myself that the original mission of the church was to “strengthen the saints, proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, and care for the poor and the needy.”  Now, we often talk about how important it is to “hasten the work of salvation.”  For me, that means I can just increase my efforts in any of those areas in small and simple ways each day. Which basically just translates to reaching out to others in love.  

Progress

I updated chapters 12 and 19 this afternoon. I also looked up some quotes for future chapters and posted some links on the side bar.

Clicking on the picture of the book takes you to the table of contents. Clicking on the picture of my Walking with Wendi card takes you back to the introduction.

In addition, I added a glossary of terms with links (just above the post archives toward the bottom of the blog), so I don't have to continually explain the religious references with those who aren't familiar with them. I hope that will be helpful.

Chapter 12: Dealing with Disappointment

* I wrote these experiences down without much proof-reading. I will revisit this post tomorrow. (I made a few corrections and added a quote in the middle on July 23, 2020.)

            Most healthy marriages have some good times and some bad times, some happiness and some heartache, some adventure and some disappointment. I will always be grateful to my husband, John, for choosing me to be his wife in the first place and for continuing to see the good in me 25 years later. He has been consistently patient, loving, kind, and empathetic through all my years of struggle with mental illness and other health challenges. I will be forever grateful that I made the decision to marry him also. I have tried to be as patient and loving toward him as he has been with me, but I still have a long way to go and I learn a lot from him as we continue our life together.

            I will briefly share our story again with a few extra details. We met in 1993, while serving as full-time missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Pennsylvania Philadelphia Mission. We discovered that our parents live about five blocks away from each other in Orem, but we never met each other prior to my first area in the mission field. We served in some of the same areas and knew many of the same missionaries and members, but we never actually served near each other during our missions. He was the assistant to the mission president during the final two months of our mission in 1994 and discreetly arranged to have our seats assigned next to each other on the flight back to Utah, since we went home on the same transfer. We even have pictures where we are hugging our individual families in the background of each other’s pictures at the airport. We started dating soon after returning home and ended up getting married in the Bountiful Utah Temple almost exactly a year later in 1995.

            John was very busy working full-time and attending school full-time at Utah Valley State College for the first three years of our marriage. I stopped working a few months after we were married because I had “all day” sickness during my pregnancy with our daughter. She was born nine months and six days after our wedding in 1996. Our son arrived a little less than three years later in 1999. Those were busy years for us and, occasionally, I noticed that John and I weren’t praying, reading the scriptures, or attending the temple together very often. I rationalized that it was just because he was so busy and I assumed he was praying and studying on his own, just like I had been. However, there were nagging doubts about that through the years that followed. My depression and anxiety became much more serious after our son was born and dealing with those complicated circumstances consumed most of our extra attention during the years between 1999 and 2010. During that time, I retreated to our bedroom much more often and John began to shoulder more of the household responsibilities. He also chose to start another company so that he could work from home and be more involved with raising the children.

            By fall 2010, I had completely withdrawn from life. My social anxiety had become so distressing that I rarely left the house and I didn’t even attend church, although I wished I could. John tried hard to be a loving and understanding father and husband through all of this and always took the children to church because he knew it would ease my feelings of guilt. During 2011 and 2012, we decided to change the type of anti-depressant I was taking one more time and then, later, increased the dosage as well. That change helped me to redevelop the habits of attending church and the temple, reading the scriptures, and contributing more to the care of our home and family.

            Unfortunately, in March 2012, my right hip, leg, and foot became inexplicably numb and tingly, so I had several MRIs and other procedures to figure out what was causing it. In addition, John finally told me in August 2012 that he didn’t believe in God or anything related to Him in our religion. He continued to attend church with the family, but it caused me a great deal of distress. However, I felt like he had been loyal to me during my difficult years of depression, so I was going to stay loyal to him with this new situation in our marriage. In January 2013, I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after it was confirmed with a spinal tap. That was disappointing and unsettling news, but we were grateful to finally know what we were dealing with. John was very supportive and helped me with some of my Copaxone injections at home for the three years following my diagnosis.

            Those two life-changing events could have sent me spiraling back into my deep depression. However, I worked hard to be diligent with walking and continuing the other habits I had practiced in the previous two years. They became my anchor as I slowly grew more devastated about John’s unbelief in everything I held most sacred. Then, in September 2013, I had a strong impression that I needed to know more people in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. So I gradually started visiting women close to our home and then, as I gained more confidence, I gradually visited women in other congregations and neighborhoods also. I have now visited approximately 500 women and it has changed my life forever. I visited women on all parts of the faith spectrum, was able to help several other women who were suffering from depression, and developed some very close friendships. Through that process, I was gradually able to stop mourning about John’s change in beliefs and developed even more respect for the good person he still is. 

            Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke in the April 2015 General Conference and his words resonated with me. “Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true…. True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, ‘good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.’… How blessed we are if we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens our perception and clears our vision. It inspires humility and fosters empathy toward our fellowmen and all of God’s creation.” (“Gratitude in Any Circumstances,” Ensign, May 2015).

            In fall 2015, I decided to go back to college when our daughter started attending UVU after her high school graduation. Then, in fall 2016, we decided to build a home with main-level living across town, since my MS symptoms were making it difficult for me to climb the stairs several times each day in our current home, which had a four-level-split floor plan. Making all those construction decisions, combined with the financial stress of having a mortgage again, brought more tension back into our marriage. Things improved once we moved into our new home in March 2017, but we started to grow apart again later that year. My schooling, combined with a few visits I still tried to make each week, kept me a little too busy. John has always been a very hard worker and sometimes his work schedule kept him extremely busy as well. I made the decision to withdraw from school in fall 2017, so that I could try to start writing this book. We also decided that marriage therapy was something we would finally be willing to try, since nothing else seemed to be working. Neither of us wanted to separate, but the silence and distance growing between us often made life feel very lonely for each of us, even though we were both still in the marriage.

            After ten therapy visits, we were feeling much closer. We started walking together while holding hands and occasionally went on other dates as well. Meanwhile, I was working on gathering information for my personal history, since writing this book quickly became a daunting task. That gradually turned into family history, which gradually increased my time in the temple exponentially. I also decided to go back to UVU in summer 2018 to finish my associate degree in behavioral science. In addition, I decided to attend a few classes at the UVU institute of religion to earn my diploma for that as well. The combination of all those activities gradually caused distance to creep in again. This time, there were more conflicted feelings surfacing within me because I was more invested in religious learning and worship than I had ever been before.

            Both of our adult children stopped believing in a similar way as their dad and that had been particularly difficult for me through the previous five years. Around the same time in 2018, our daughter started dating someone more seriously. Her dad allowed them to sleep together in her bedroom, but that was extremely difficult for me. I felt that he hadn’t given me a choice when he stopped believing, since he had already decided by the time he told me. I also didn’t feel like I was given a say in the matter with our daughter and her boyfriend. I understood that he was trying to do what was best for everyone involved, but it just triggered a lot of my previous conflicted feelings. That was a very low point in our marriage.

            In 2019, our daughter and her boyfriend told us on mother’s day that she was pregnant. I tried to be supportive, but knew we needed some more marriage therapy. This time, I asked John to choose the therapist and he decided on one who specialized in betrayal trauma. He hadn’t purposely betrayed me and I knew that, but on some level it still felt like a betrayal. Our daughter’s pregnancy added an additional dimension to that complicated swirl of emotion.

            I graduated with an associate degree in November 2019 and continued to immerse myself in family history and temple work. I felt a lot of peace when I was in the temple and I needed that with everything that was happening with our daughter. We continued marriage therapy and our daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy in January 2020. She had an unforeseen c-section, which caused her to not be able to return immediately to college like she had planned. So we have spent the past seven months together with her sweet baby and it has been such a healing time. The pandemic ended up closing the temples and churches, which brought my full focus back home. Our marriage gradually began to heal again.  

            As I look back, our patterns have been very cyclical and I shoulder my share of the blame. I’m grateful that I have gradually become less rigid in general and have finally realized that I can’t micro-manage or manipulate John with my faith (even though that wasn’t my conscious intention). I’ve learned that we are each only in charge of ourselves and we can only improve or change in the ways that we are currently able to. We also share a great desire to make a positive difference in the lives of people around us and that is very fulfilling. So I now focus on that, instead of our differences in religious belief.  Life will always still be a mix of happiness and disappointment, but we have made it 25 years and that is a huge accomplishment. I’m planning for at least 25 more. 

Self-coaching reminders 3

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up for awhile and make two more Spark reminders for myself.

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.

Chapter 13: Setting Expectations and Boundaries

* I'm posting what I've written so far about expectations. (I returned the next day to start writing about boundaries.)

            Once I was on a walk with a friend and she described expectations as “premeditated resentments.” Some people recommend just not having expectations, but sometimes I think that’s a tall order. It’s always a good idea to adjust our expectations, though, so we won’t be disappointment if things don’t go the way we hope they will. I choose to believe that people are usually doing the best they can with what they know. When people aren't being their best, the thing that will help most is to love them anyway. Not allowing yourself to get entangled in drama is also a good idea. Drama always thrives when we inflict unnecessary pain and suffering onto ourselves and others. Unnecessary pain happens when we layer guilt, resentment, shame, or regret on top of pain that already exists. Another friend used to tell me, “Thou shalt not ‘should’ on thyself!” when I had unrealistic expectations of myself and my abilities. Telling ourselves we should do something or shouldn't do something often creates the wrong kind of pressure and I think it impedes real progress.

            My husband and I have never been traditional gift givers. We like to wait until we see a need and then we try to give a helpful gift then, rather than always giving gifts on the observed or traditional holidays. So when people ask me if I’m ready for Christmas, I reply, “I’m always ready for Christmas.” I’m often given interesting looks when I exclaim this. But it’s not about the gifts wrapped in fancy paper or given in gift bags stuffed just right with color coordinated tissue paper. Those are kind and appreciated gestures of love, but Christmas is about so much more. Hilary Weeks wrote a song titled “When We Think About Christmas” (and it’s included in her Live All In program). The lyrics explain my feelings on this subject and I share them with her permission.  

…It’s a time to reflect on our blessings

When kindness and giving abound

It’s the way we should be living all year round

Chorus

When we think about Christmas we think about love

Love turns our hearts to God

God makes us holy as we become His

That’s what I love about Christmas

The wonders of His love

And grace from Heaven above

Bring us joy, everlasting joy and makes us one

That’s what we love about Him

            I have similar feelings about Easter. Both holidays are about the Savior – his birth and atoning sacrifice. David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman are two other amazing people who inspire me regularly. They explain celebrations for Christmas and Easter in a unique and profound way in both their books and “Don’t Miss This” YouTube videos. I highly recommend them.

            I’ve learned a lot about boundaries while working with my life coach and listening to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. Boundaries and expectations are very different. The purpose of a boundary is not to punish or control another person. Boundaries are a healthy way to show and keep love in our relationships. They show our authentic self and actually increase intimacy. A well-constructed boundary follows this pattern: “if this happens… then I will…” Boundaries are created by you, for you. We can make requests of others. However, we don’t try to control or manipulate others. Therefore, we keep the power, rather than giving it away to someone else. The ideal emotion to create a boundary from is love. That is the kind of boundary that will serve us the best in our relationships (see "Boundaries," Pivot Parenting, 21 July 2020).

Chapter 18: Spheres of Influence

* It took me almost the whole day to write this because life provides lots of little interruptions! (I returned on August 15th to add a picture, some song lyrics by Kenneth Cope, and a passage from Brad Wilcox's book.)

            I have been fascinated with three related phrases for several years. A person’s “sphere of influence” is the area where they have power to change or influence things. When an object is dropped in water, it sends out ripples that expand across the water. Likewise, when an event occurs that has a lasting, exponential impact, it is often referred to as a “ripple effect.” Sometimes, when it isn’t possible to pay back a kindness, a person may choose to “pay it forward as a way to express their gratitude. Perhaps, one of the reasons for my interest in these phrases is that they can all be applied to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and our response to its effect on our lives.

            Neal A. Maxwell eloquently explained, “ Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate…. Part of God’s ‘ample provision’ consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled ‘in the arms of [His] love’ (D&C 6:20)” (“Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Ensign, November 2002).

            Hilary Weeks wrote about how she struggled with feeling inadequate earlier in her life. “As I drove home I was feeling kind of bad about myself. Then the Spirit whispered a thought that has changed my life: Don’t worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you.” Now she compliments people, thinks of interesting questions to ask, and smiles first. She continues, “Focusing on others takes the worry away and helps me to be happy and confident” (Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are, pp. 19-20). As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I have spent a few minutes with Hilary on several different occasions over the past six years and she does just that.

            I drove up to Bountiful with a friend to attend a dinner party on August 19, 2017. This picture was taken as we were helping my friend to prepare the wontons for our Chinese dinner. 

I'm sitting next to Kenneth Cope and his wife. I was grateful to have the chance to thank him for his uplifting music. I attended Especially For Youth at BYU in 1986 and he wrote the theme song that year. On my full-time mission, I played his song, "Pass It On" (from the 1993 EFY cassette tape I loved listening to before I left home) as part of a message during some of our dinner appointments with members in the area. I made a CD of some of my favorite inspirational music a few years ago and it includes the song, "Broken," which he wrote with Eliza Cope. It uplifts me each time I hear it. (It is one of the songs on the 2005 EFY CD titled A More Excellent Way.) Below are most of the powerful lyrics:

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ 'til His name feels broken in

...And, yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name – my God loves broken things...

I'm grateful for his willingness to share his singing and songwriting talent that blesses my life and the lives of countless others.  

                I was given the opportunity to sit at the same table with Brad Wilcox and his wife during the actual dinner. It was just the three of us, which also gave me the chance to thank him for the lasting impact his July 2011 BYU devotional talk, "His Grace is Sufficient," has made on my life. Brad is a BYU professor, well-known speaker, author of several best-selling books. and was called as the second counselor in the Young Men general presidency of the Church in April 2020. He and his wife were both very kind and considerate during our time together. They asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the experiences I shared. In fact, Brad asked for my address, which I wrote on a napkin. A few days later, an autographed copy of his newest book, Changed by Grace, arrived in the mail. I’m sure there have been many other conversations with similar napkins. However, that made a lasting impact on me. 

            In that book, he comments on 2 Nephi 2:8, which teaches that we are saved "through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." I love how he explains these terms in such an understandable way and especially how they build upon each other. "Christ's merits mean He was the only one authorized and able to perform the Atonement. His anointing in the premortal world, unique birth, and perfect life made Him the only one who could atone for us. The fact that He chose to do so means He loves us. Christ's mercies mean that He was willing to save us from physical and spiritual deaths that came in consequence of the Fall. Even though we are completely undeserving, He can resurrect us, forgive us as we repent, and enter into a covenant relationship with us. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us just the way we are. Christ's grace means that He stands ready to transform and exalt us. He offers His divine help throughout that perfecting process. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are."

            Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler are also well-known speakers and best-selling authors. They co-host “Don’t Miss This,” which has helped me study the Come Follow Me curriculum in a way that doesn't feel so lonely, since I'm the only one in our home who actively participates in gospel study. They share insights about the scriptures in weekly YouTube videos that I enjoy watching. They are very talented at combining humor with spirituality and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I think that is a really valuable combination. They have emphasized that regardless of our calling or station in life, we are all called to love others.

            I’ve noticed that people sometimes form into cliques among a larger group. Often, there is a tendency to be less friendly to people outside the clique. Social sciences refer to this as “in-group” and “out-group.” I am always impressed with people who are confident enough to be friends with people in all the groups. Their sphere of influence is much greater because they are inclusive. Virginia U. Jensen explained, “Sisters in all life circumstances have opportunities to build and nurture others within their sphere of influence” (“Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment,” Ensign, November 1999). We each have a unique sphere of influence. Hilary, Emily, David, Brad, and Kenneth have a large sphere of influence and I’m grateful for the amazing amount of good they do in the world. However, each of us can spend our time lifting others and improving life for people around us in small and simple ways. Showing kindness, mercy, empathy, and love creates a positive ripple effect for good.

Chapter 15: Compensatory Blessings

* I spent most of today adding content to two previous posts. My brain hurts, so I'm going to post these quotes now and revisit them at a later time. (I added two more quotes and several paragraphs of content on July 22, 2020.)

           Looking back on the past several years, I can see clearly that the Lord has arranged at least three unofficial missions for my life. The “visiting” mission began in September 2013 and lasted until August 2015. (I returned to college at that point, but still continued visiting on more of a part-time basis.) The “family history and temple work” mission began in February 2018 and ended in March 2020 with the COVID-19 pandemic. (I have continued to work on some family history, but far less than I had previously.) The “grandma” mission began in January 2020 with the birth of our first grandson and I imagine that will continue to be my focus for many years, to one degree or another. I discuss each mission in more detail throughout the book. The point I want to make here is that they have definitely been compensatory blessings for me in several ways.

            First, because I struggled so deeply with anxiety and depression for most of my official proselyting mission from 1993-1994, I had many regrets about not being able to serve more fully. I carried those regrets with me off and on for twenty years. When I started visiting, I was able to use all the skills I learned on my original mission – approaching people before and after meetings at church, knocking on doors, calling people, making appointments, and being flexible when people cancelled or needed to reschedule. I floundered a lot and the visits weren’t always optimal, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it had I not served my original full-time mission. So, it renewed my confidence and helped me feel like I made restitution for any missed opportunities or wasted time (even though that wasn’t necessary). In addition, unless the Lord dramatically changes things, I don't think I will be able to serve a mission with my husband in our retired years, as I thought we might. These unofficial missions have given me the opportunity to serve in different ways as a more mature adult. 

             Richard G. Scott explained, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.” He then gave this valuable counsel, “Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. To the sightless or hearing impaired, He sharpens the other senses. To the ill, He gives patience, understanding, and increased appreciation for others' kindness.... You will discover compensatory blessings when you willingly accept the will of the Lord and exercise faith in Him” (“Finding Joy in Life,” Ensign, May 1996, pp. 24-26). 

            Second, I very much wanted to be completely healed from depression, anxiety, and Multiple Sclerosis. Even more than those healing blessings, I begged and pleaded for the Lord to give my husband (and then my children) the faith and spiritual experiences they hoped and prayed for, but could never experience on their own. I haven't receive those blessings yet. However, I wouldn’t have felt the need to begin visiting if my heart weren’t already broken and humbled over that combined set of circumstances. Then, through my visiting journey, the Lord gradually healed my broken heart and helped build greater confidence within me. He also strengthened my capacity to serve and follow promptings in ways I didn’t think were possible before. In addition, I learned how to cope in more long-term and fulfilling ways with my anxiety and depression. Perhaps, the most unexpected compensatory blessing of all were the treasured friends he helped me find along the way.

            David A. Bednar spoke about the blessings of paying a full tithe. I believe these compensatory blessings can be applied to life in general, as well. He explained, "Some of the diverse blessings we obtain as we are obedient… are significant but subtle. Such blessings can be discerned only if we are both spiritually attentive and observant (see 1 Corinthians 2:14)…. Spiritual illumination and perspective are poured out through the windows of heaven and into our lives…. Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience” (“Windows of Heaven,” Ensign, November 2013).

            Third, temple and family history work became a huge compensatory blessing for me. One of the last lines of my patriarchal blessing says, “As you help to gather genealogy, you … will be a great blessing to those who have passed on beyond the veil. When you leave this earth there will be a great reunion with your ancestors who will be glad to receive you because of your work in their behalf.” I used to think that was absolutely impossible for me. Yet, the Lord helped me to have more success than I ever imagined possible. As I spent those hours, days, weeks, months, and years immersed in that sacred work, I became much more settled and at peace about my family and their different beliefs on this side of the veil. As I listened to those words over and over again during the temple ordinances, my love only grew for my family here and my ancestors who have already finished their life on earth. That love and peace were unexpected and very welcome blessings.

            Sheri Dew discussed compensatory blessings in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Then, as I sat in the last endowment session I’ll likely attend for a while, I felt a familiar sensation gnawing at me. It took just seconds to identify what it was. Mourning. I was starting to mourn the fact that life as I’ve known it — weekly time in the temple, sacrament and other meetings that allow me to renew my covenants and enjoy the camaraderie of my ward family — is changing, at least for a period of time…. Nothing happening in the world today is catching the Lord off-guard. Satan hasn’t pulled a fast one on Him. Circumstances that led to the inception and spreading of the coronavirus were all foreseen by Him who sees all. That is clear, because our leaders have been getting us ready for this very hour…. The fruits of revelation are often more easily seen in hindsight. It is no surprise to those who believe in prophets that more than a year ago…  prophets, seers and revelators, introduced a home-centered, Church-supported curriculum and admonished us to be more intentional about studying and teaching the gospel in our homes. It is no surprise that two years ago they introduced ministering and asked us to learn to care for each other in a higher, holier way.... During this unusual season when the way we worship and serve the Lord has been modified, let’s make sure we see the ways the Lord is blessing us. Let’s be sure we identify the compensatory blessings and power He has for those who seek them…. In a time of darkness, the ministering power of the Light of the World will be even easier to see. How beautiful it will be if, as a global Church family, we don’t just endure this particular challenge but we seek the hand of the Lord in our lives and then share our witness of His mercy, power and peace” (“How have you seen ‘compensatory blessings’ during the coronavirus outbreak?,” Church News, 15 March 2020). 

            Fourth, our grandson was born just two months before the temples and chapels closed their doors. Because he and his parents live in our basement, we’ve been able to spend every day of his life with him. Social distancing during the pandemic would have made that very unlikely if they didn’t live with us. When our daughter first announced her pregnancy, I never dreamed that her little baby would be the biggest compensatory blessing of all during this time. An unexpected blessing occurred after his delivery also. Our daughter endured a 50-hour labor and he still needed to be delivered by c-section. Because of that, our daughter wasn’t able to immediately return to her college classes as she had planned. So we ended up being able to spend eight magical months together, loving this sweet little angel that was sent to our home. In addition, we have considered me high risk because MS and its treatment both compromise the immune system. I have literally only been inside buildings (other than our home) eight times during the three initial months of the pandemic. I drove places on my own only three times during those months and wasn’t able to walk with friends very often because they were home with their families as well. This unexpected time with our grandson and daughter has been priceless and so appreciated.

            Neil L. Andersen emphasized, “As evil increases in the world, there is a compensatory spiritual power for the righteous. As the world slides from its spiritual moorings, the Lord prepares the way for those who seek Him, offering them greater assurance, greater confirmation, and greater confidence in the spiritual direction they are traveling. The gift of the Holy Ghost becomes a brighter light in the emerging twilight…. there is a compensatory power, an additional spiritual endowment, a revelatory gift for the righteous” (“A Compensatory SpiritualPower for the Righteous,” BYU Speeches, 18 August 2015).

            I testify that this is true. These “missions” didn’t seem possible to me when I was prompted to embark on them. However, I have been given obvious guidance and assurances all along the way. I will be forever grateful for the gift of personal revelation that has blessed me during every step of this journey.