Showing posts with label self-doubt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-doubt. Show all posts

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Doubt and fear during moments of emotional struggle

Last night, it felt like I was starting to slide back into a depression. (Bipolar disorder is so tricky because the cycles can occur several times during a day, week, month, or year.)

I felt so sure that I was supposed to post all those details about my recent struggle on Friday, but then I started to panic that it was divulging too much personal information for anyone to read. (And what if it was just because I was having a hypomanic episode?)

I wondered who else might read this blog, since the podcast host read it prior to deciding to invite me as a guest next week. However, if she felt inspired that my story could help other people, then maybe that was one of the reasons it was important to make my blog public in the first place. 

I used this blog as an accountability tool as I struggled to write the first draft of my book. I have edited parts 1-3 so far and have made hundreds of revisions to what was originally posted here. However, I have put the project away for awhile, since it has been one of several activities that have taken my focus away from my family. 

I switched this blog to a private one last night before bed, so that I could stop worrying while I was trying to go to sleep. 

This morning, I decided that it was important to leave it public, in case it can help someone who is struggling. 

There may be flawed links or errors in my writing (especially since the original posts are just first drafts of those chapters). There is also a lot of repetitive information as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings in the recent posts. 

Bottom line: I am a flawed and imperfect human who struggles with mental illness. However, God can use me, or anyone else who is willing, to bless the lives of His children. Sometimes He uses our weaknesses to help others who struggle in the same way. That is my hope with leaving this blog available. 

Happy Sabbath. :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Still Not Finished?

Chapter 30 is titled "Grace and Gratitude." On Sunday evening, I posted a few quotes about gratitude, along with a long list of what I am grateful for. 

In addition, I added three quotes about repentance being positive, rather than a punishment (which didn't really fit). However, I was too tired to continue trying to figure it out...

I spent most of today writing about grace, but now I'm having a hard time meshing it with what I wrote previously about gratitude. I'm so close to being finished and now I can't figure out how to finish!

I thought about integrating the positive repentance quotes with what I've already written for chapter 3. The title of that chapter is "Gradually Replacing Negative with Positive." However, I don't really want the chapters in the first section to be as long as the ones at the end of the book. I had no idea so many of these chapters would turn out so incredibly long! 

I would love to just not worry about including the repentance quotes, but I have a nagging feeling that they are important. So, I'm considering renaming chapter 30 as "Changing Through Christ's Grace."

I'm also considering adding two other chapters: 

  • "Losing the Guilt" (for the positive repentance quotes)  
  • "Living with Gratitude and Simplicity" (for the long list of what I'm grateful for, along with some thoughts about enjoying life more fully by keeping it simple).  
The other thing that is becoming increasingly difficult is all the changes I'm having to make with the HTML code because of the cutting and pasting I've done with the quotes before I post them. 

So, I think I'm going to stop posting the changes going forward. The entire first draft of the book is now basically posted on this blog. It has served its purpose and has provided daily accountability for me. 

I'm going to leave the chapter 30 post as I have it now, but it probably won't look like that in the book.

I may return to post about topics I'm learning with coaching. Or this may be it for awhile. 

I used to post on many blogs between 2008 and 2013. They were all private, except for my two inspiration blogs. I have listed those two blogs on the sidebar of this one. So I think that's all.

Farewell again, blogland!

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Chapter 28: Personal Revelation and Possibilities

I have worked a lot on this chapter also (in between working on the previously posted chapters). I'm going to post what I've pieced together so far on this one too, even though I don't have much commentary between the quotes. That way, I now have something posted for every chapter in the book! These last three chapters still need a lot of work. But it's a relief to finally post something for each of them. (I revisited this and posted more content on August 17, 2020.)


            The main way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. God inspired many of the experiences I’ve written about in this book. He knows our potential and possibilities. He can help us become so much more than we are on our own. Even though I still have difficult days occasionally, I have prayed for help all along the way and have been blessed spiritually and emotionally. I know I've been inspired by Heavenly Father to make the changes, develop the habits, and take the steps forward that have helped me become more of who He knows I can be.

            Jeffrey R. Holland explained, “It is the plain and very sobering truth that before [and after] great moments, certainly … great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness” (“Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” Ensign, Mar. 2000, 7). “But opposition doesn’t mean that Heavenly Father has abandoned you. He is there, and He will guide you. Sometimes we must move forward in faith until our way is illuminated. (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign, August 2013).

          Boyd K. Packer related this experience, “I returned … and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, ‘The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.’ I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: ‘You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.’ Then he quoted these 18 words from the Book of Mormon: ‘Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith’ (Ether 12:6)” (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign, August 2013).

            I shared part of this quote in the chapter on spiritual learning, but it is worth repeating. Richard G. Scott counseled,  “When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust. As you are sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit, one of two things will certainly occur at the appropriate time: either the stupor of thought will come, indicating an improper choice, or the peace or the burning in the bosom will be felt, confirming that your choice was correct. When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision” (“Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 10).

          James E. Faust, taught, “Let us not take counsel from our fears. May we remember always to … put our faith in God, and live worthy for Him to direct us. We are each entitled to receive personal inspiration to guide us through our mortal probation. May we so live that our hearts are open at all times to the whisperings and comfort of the Spirit.” ( “Be Not Afraid,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 6). Dieter F. Uchtdorf echoed the principle of a couple of the previous quotes. “There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do” (“The Why of Priesthood Service,” Ensign, May 2012, 59).

            I have been grateful for the wisdom in this quote from Joseph Smith for many years. “A person may profit by noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon; (i.e.) those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God, will come to pass; and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it, you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in Christ Jesus” (“Prayer and Personal Revelation,” Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 132). 

            I always pay closer attention when I hear prophets quoting previous prophets. Our current prophet, Russell M. Nelson, taught, “How can we find answers to questions that perplex us? If Joseph Smith’s transcendent experience in the Sacred Grove teaches us anything, it is that the heavens are open and that God speaks to His children. The Prophet Joseph Smith set a pattern for us to follow in resolving our questions. Drawn to the promise of James that if we lack wisdom we may ask of God, the boy Joseph took his question directly to Heavenly Father. He sought personal revelation, and his seeking opened this last dispensation. In like manner, what will your seeking open for you? What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or understand? Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the principle of revelation’” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

            He continued, “Does God really want to speak to you? Yes!... You do not have to wonder whom you can safely trust…. I urge you to stretch beyond your current spiritual ability to receive personal revelation, for the Lord has promised that ‘if thou shalt [seek], thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things—that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal’ (Doctrine and Covenants 42:61). Oh, there is so much more that your Father in Heaven wants you to know….  Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work. To be sure, there may be times when you feel as though the heavens are closed. But I promise that as you continue to be obedient, expressing gratitude for every blessing the Lord gives you, and as you patiently honor the Lord’s timetable, you will be given the knowledge and understanding you seek. Every blessing the Lord has for you—even miracles—will follow. That is what personal revelation will do for you” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

            One of the concerns that was expressed by the youth in a question and answer broadcast with Elder and Sister Bednar was how do you know whether it’s the Holy Ghost or your own thoughts that are prompting you? I loved Elder Bednar’s response and other valuable counsel in that eight minute video segment. His specific answer was, “If it invites and entices to do good, it comes from Christ, and we ought to do it.” (“Face to Face with Elder and Sister Bednar,” Worldwide Youth Event, 15 May 2015). I love these companion verses in 2 Nephi 32. Verse 3 says: “…feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” While verse 5 says: “For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.” So the more we study the scriptures, the more familiar we become with the way the Lord communicates with us. Most of the time, revelation comes to us a piece at a time. And it often builds on the previous revelation. As we follow the promptings we receive, the Lord knows He can trust us, and then He is more likely to send us more personal revelation. And, often, those promptings will come when we are already out trying to do good things. I’ve heard it humorously said that “even the Lord can’t steer a parked car.” Elder Bednar also points out that Nephi was already moving in 1 Nephi 4:6, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.” In addition, he had learned important lessons about what didn’t work in his first two attempts.

            Julie B. Beck explained, “A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do.... But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently. The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit.... Insight found in scripture accumulates over time, so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day.... Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to … record impressions and ideas. Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment…. It requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the Spirit of revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith through difficult days … Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help”
            She concludes, “Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times. We are told to put our trust in that Spirit which leads us ‘to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously’
(Doctrine and Covenants 11:12). We are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all things we should do (see Doctrine and Covenants 11:13-14).  Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us” (And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit,” Ensign, Nov. 2010).            

             Joy D. Jones explained, “Learning is integral to progression, especially as the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost teaches us what is needful for each of us to lay aside—meaning that which could distract us or delay our progression…. Women wear many hats, but it is impossible, and unnecessary, to wear them all at once. The Spirit helps us determine which work to focus on today. The Lord’s loving influence through the Holy Ghost helps us know His priority for our progression. Heeding personal revelation leads to personal progression. We listen and act…. Our continuing role is to receive continuing revelation” (“An Especially Noble Calling,” Ensign, May 2020). 

            Russell M. Nelson continues from the talk quoted previously, “I am optimistic about the future. It will be filled with opportunities for each of us to progress… But I am also not naive about the days ahead. We live in a world that is complex and increasingly contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation. Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory. But in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost… I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation. Let this… be a defining moment in your life. Choose to do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost and hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

                Henry B. Eyring explained, “My hope today is to increase your desire and your ability to receive the Holy Ghost. Remember, He is the third member of the Godhead. The Father and the Son are resurrected beings. The Holy Ghost is a person of spirit. (See Doctrine and Covenants 130:22.) It is your choice whether to receive Him and welcome Him into your heart and mind. The conditions on which we can receive that supernal blessing are made clear in the words that are spoken every week but perhaps do not always sink into our hearts and minds. To have the Spirit sent to us, we must always remember the Savior and keep his commandments (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77)…. We all experience tragedy during which we need the reassurance of the Spirit…. My father had the companionship of the Holy Ghost at that moment to feel, to know, and to do what he did that day. He had received the promise, as many have: That they may have his Spirit to be with them (Doctrine and Covenants 20:79)…. More precious than a memory of events is the memory of the Holy Ghost touching our hearts and His continuing affirmation of truth. More precious than seeing with our eyes or remembering words spoken and read is recalling the feelings that accompanied the quiet voice of the Spirit…. We have the priceless promise of the Holy Ghost as a companion, and we also have true directions on how to claim that gift. These words are said by the Lord’s authorized servant with his hands on our head: Receive the Holy Ghost. At that moment you and I have the assurance He will be sent. But our obligation is to choose to open our hearts to receive the ministration of the Spirit over a lifetime(“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            Henry B. Eyring continued, “The Prophet Joseph set an example for us of how to receive continual spiritual direction and comfort through the Holy Ghost. The first choice he made was to be humble before God. The second was to pray with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. The third was to obey exactly. Obedience may mean to move quickly. It may mean to prepare. Or it may mean to wait in patience for further inspiration. And the fourth is to pray to know the needs and hearts of others and how to help them for the Lord…. It has been my opportunity to observe the prophets of God as they pray, ask for inspiration, receive direction, and act on it. I have seen how often their prayers are about the people they love and serve. Their concern for others seems to open their hearts to receive inspiration. That can be true for you. Inspiration will help us minister to others for the Lord…. I bear my personal witness that the Father is at this moment aware of you, your feelings, and the spiritual and temporal needs of everyone around you. I bear testimony that the Father and the Son are sending the Holy Ghost to all who have that gift, ask for that blessing, and seek to be worthy of it. Neither the Father, nor the Son, nor the Holy Ghost force Themselves into our lives. We are free to choose…. I pray… that you will hear the voice of the Spirit, which is sent to you so generously. And I pray that you will open your heart always to receive Him. If you ask with real intent and with faith in Jesus Christ for inspiration, you will receive it in the Lord’s way and in His time” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            In another talk, Henry B. Eyring, explained “The Lord… tells us, that when we stand with faith upon His rock, doubt and fear are diminished; the desire to do good increases…. ‘For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up’ (Doctrine and Covenants 84:88)…. Sometimes you will be the angel the Lord sends to bear others up. Sometimes you will be the one surrounded by angels who bear you up. But always you will have His Spirit to be in your heart, as you have been promised in every sacrament service. You have only to keep His commandments…. Faith always defeats fear….And your prayers for those in need are heard and answered by a loving God. He neither slumbers nor does He sleep” (“Fear Not to Do Good,” Ensign, November 2017).

                I find that my biggest barrier to personal revelation is getting in my own way and “limiting the Lord.” I truly believe that God has no limits and that nothing is impossible for Him. However, I do get hung up on my limitations and lack confidence in my own abilities. As I mentioned in the beginning, I’m good at following promptings to act. But it’s difficult for me to be still in the moment. Mindfulness is something I mentioned in earlier chapters. I received some personal revelation about this back on September 20, 2017. This is what I wrote: “The Spirit works in the present. When I think about the past, I feel regret and when I think about the future, I feel anxious. But when I am mindful in the present, that’s when the Spirit can prompt me to action.” Taking time to be still before, during, and after praying, along with pondering while studying the scriptures are spiritual variations on mindfulness. I need to work on all of it, so I will renew my efforts in that area – again. It’s interesting how personal revelation can come while writing a chapter on personal revelation. The Lord knows how to reach all of us if we will allow Him the opportunity.   

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Writer's block

I am having a difficult time moving forward on the last third of my book. (I have written 24 short chapters and have roughly 15 to go.) 

So, I went back and added content to the previous two chapters on connection and vulnerability. I also rearranged and polished the paragraphs on connection. In addition, I added some links to those posts and a couple more links to the glossary of terms on the sidebar. 

I am trying not to allow myself to be discouraged, but it's been a struggle today. I want to stay true to the table of contents that I felt inspired to create last year at this time. However, I don't have as much practice writing about the events in the last two sections. 

I have also been confused about what to include in the chapter on authenticity, since it overlaps so much with the information in the chapters on connection and vulnerability. I'm leaning toward writing about what I've learned about overcoming perfectionism in that chapter. I just need to get some content written, so hopefully that will be enough to get my brain unstuck again.

After that, I need to focus on the two chapters where I share experiences about specific people I met during my visiting journey. I don't think I should use their actual names, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle that. I think I just need some uninterrupted time to string those experiences and memories together. 

Finally, I have no idea what the title should be. If it just ends up being my personal history, then that's not an issue. However, if I ever did try to publish it, that small detail is actually a big deal. 

That's too far in the future to worry about, though. I just need to deal with tomorrow. 

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Introduction (first attempt)

* I wrote this original Introduction or Preface on August 12, 2019. 
* Note from my husband and our 20-year-old son on September 2, 2019: Most people haven’t read the same books as you and you have a different voice than them anywaydon’t discount yourself and what you have to say or others will too.

           I don’t read as much as most people I know. I get hung up in the highlighting. I’m also a relatively late learner and slow adopter of habits. It takes me a long time to warm up to new things and especially new technology. I’m very grateful for the Gospel Library app and for books on Kindle. I still don’t read nearly as much as I wish I did, but highlighting is now less messy and more precise. It’s also much easier to find the notes I’ve made “in the margins”.
            Because I don’t read regularly, I have a feeling that most of the ideas I share in this book have already been thought of, spoken by, or written about by other people who think more deeply and live them more fully. I value what I do choose to read and acknowledge that my thinking and view of the world have been shaped by many of the ideas contained in those pages. Although there may be similarities, I hope that the experiences I share and the lessons I learned along the way will be a helpful combination and may add a different flavor to some of those ideas. 
            Many people who have heard “my story” or who have joined me along “my journey” have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. When I walk with women, our conversations cover many topics and we seem to solve a lot of life’s problems while we are enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. I have found that it is often more difficult to apply the principles we’ve discussed and the answers we’ve discovered when we return to our homes and lives. I haven’t fully incorporated all the ideas I share, but I continue to improve as a result of them, and I hope they will have a positive impact on your life as well.
            In the acknowledgments, I thanked many of the people who have been influential in my life. Among those people is Hilary Weeks. Her music, and especially her lyrics, have been the driving force behind the progress on my journey. She is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, whose songs focus on Christ and His grace. She also writes many songs about reaching our potential through perseverance and optimism. With her permission, I will be using her lyrics throughout this book as a type of soundtrack for my journey.

Monday, December 30, 2019

Self-reflection and Perfectionism: part 1

Posting on this blog has been a stressful and unsettling experience for me. I think that stems from my lack of self-confidence and lack of experience, which stirs up my lingering perfectionism. I'm not sure how to write a "good" blog post and I'm especially not sure how to write a book. 

My husband wonders why I am doing it. For now, it's because several people have encouraged me to write a book and this blog is a baby step in that direction. A second reason is to practice pushing through these unsettling feelings and gain more control over my perfectionistic tendencies. (It may also be that I need to save my emotional energy for being a babysitting grandma in the very near future.)


I took a picture of the cover of a classmate's journal a few months ago and I cropped it down to this statement earlier this morning. With that background, here is the next section of my research paper from English 2010:



            Many academic journal articles explain the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. “Adaptive perfectionism is related to setting high goals for oneself” and striving for achievement in a positive way (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report higher life satisfaction . . . less depression and anxiety, and higher active coping and psychological flexibility” (947). This type of perfectionist also experiences more self-acceptance when they fail to reach their high standards (Alan and Wang 258). In contrast, “Maladaptive perfectionism . . . is related to setting unrealistically high standards and high levels of self-criticism and self-doubt” (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report lower life satisfaction . . . higher depression and anxiety, and higher avoidant coping and psychological inflexibility” (947). 
            In their academic journal article, Alan and Wang specifically addressed the relatively homogeneous religious culture of Utah County. In addition to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, they defined scrupulosity as a type of obsessive-compulsive way people engage in excessive religious behaviors (258). Although perfectionism and scrupulosity are different, there is a potential overlap. Maladaptive perfectionism causes a person to never feel good enough, which can lead to scrupulosity, with an excessive focus on what the person perceives as their sins (258). Their study also suggested this could lead to a pattern of living the religion out of fear, rather than approaching it from faith (258). Learning to be less psychologically rigid and practicing faith with more flexibility can increase overall well-being (258). This can also help to ease the pressure of perfectionism.
            According to Patrick Steffen, adaptive perfectionism is also correlated with intrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by increased life satisfaction (947). Conversely, maladaptive perfectionism is correlated with extrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by decreased life satisfaction (947). However, when the negative effects of maladaptive perfectionism are reduced, people find more positive life satisfaction in both intrinsic and extrinsic religious worship (947). To generalize the results of his study, another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women is learning to separate intrinsic worth from extrinsic religious worship.
            In 2013, UVU professor Kris Doty-Yells conducted a qualitative research study on perfectionism (Devlin). She described the negative aspects of perfectionism as being toxic. She explained that toxic perfectionists judge themselves by impossible standards to look, do, and be perfect (Devlin). This is a common theme among women in Utah County and specifically in members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It often translates into unrealistic expectations of always having clean and orderly homes, well-behaved children, happy marriages, and lives filled with service in church and community settings (Devlin). This lifestyle of focusing only on success, while avoiding failure, isn’t sustainable and often leads to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy (Devlin).
            Dr. BrenĂ© Brown is a researcher who has written several books on the topics of perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she explained:
Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. (56)
She concluded, “It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist” because “your self-worth is on the line” (56).
            In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David D. Burns adds to that description of perfectionism: “You defeat yourself with inappropriate goals and standards. You will settle for nothing short of a magnificent performance in anything you do, so you frequently end up having to settle for just that—nothing” (90). He shared an experience from a female client who “spent her days in bed” and felt she had failed her children because she didn’t intervene in their lives (93). That sounded very much like the three years between 2008 and 2010 when I experienced a paralyzing crisis with depression and anxiety after both of our children were in school. I spent most of that time on my laptop because I couldn’t deal with my life. I now realize that it was probably because I couldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself as a mother, wife, and LDS church member in this culture of toxic perfectionism. Jan Devlin explained:
Self-evaluation can be a good thing when it helps us to move towards a goal. However, there is a vast difference between, “I need to spend more time with my family” and “I’m a terrible mother.” Excessive self-criticism backfires because it leads us to focus on our so-called failures instead of the simple ways that we could progress. (Wasatch Family Therapy)
            Jody Moore is a very influential life coach who specializes in helping LDS women with their struggles. An episode of her podcast contained a helpful summary of perfectionism. She explained:  
Perfectionism is not the same as doing your very best. It is not the same as striving for more and better. Instead, it is a means by which we deprive ourselves of feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment and pride. Rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and complete, we fixate on what is missing or wrong and it can impact so many areas of our lives. (29 Jan. 2016)