Still Not Finished?

Chapter 30 is titled "Grace and Gratitude." On Sunday evening, I posted a few quotes about gratitude, along with a long list of what I am grateful for. 

In addition, I added three quotes about repentance being positive, rather than a punishment (which didn't really fit). However, I was too tired to continue trying to figure it out...

I spent most of today writing about grace, but now I'm having a hard time meshing it with what I wrote previously about gratitude. I'm so close to being finished and now I can't figure out how to finish!

I thought about integrating the positive repentance quotes with what I've already written for chapter 3. The title of that chapter is "Gradually Replacing Negative with Positive." However, I don't really want the chapters in the first section to be as long as the ones at the end of the book. I had no idea so many of these chapters would turn out so incredibly long! 

I would love to just not worry about including the repentance quotes, but I have a nagging feeling that they are important. So, I'm considering renaming chapter 30 as "Changing Through Christ's Grace."

I'm also considering adding two other chapters: 

• "Losing the Guilt" (for the positive repentance quotes)  
• "Living with Gratitude and Simplicity" (for the long list of what I'm grateful for, along with some thoughts about enjoying life more fully by keeping it simple).  

The other thing that is becoming increasingly difficult is all the changes I'm having to make with the HTML code because of the cutting and pasting I've done with the quotes before I post them. 

So, I think I'm going to stop posting the changes going forward. The entire first draft of the book is now basically posted on this blog. It has served its purpose and has provided daily accountability for me. 

I'm going to leave the chapter 30 post as I have it now, but it probably won't look like that in the book.

I may return to post about topics I'm learning with coaching. Or this may be it for awhile. 

I used to post on many blogs between 2008 and 2013. They were all private, except for my two inspiration blogs. I have listed those two blogs on the sidebar of this one. So I think that's all.

Farewell again, blogland!

Chapter 30: Grace and Gratitude

I worked on this chapter for awhile this morning also. It went in a different direction than I had planned. So I'm going to post what I have of this chapter also. I'm really close to being finished with the first draft, but there is still a long way to go with editing and polishing. And I have a headache. I'm going to revisit this on a future day as well. (I only wrote about gratitude earlier. So I returned to add a section in the beginning about grace on August 18, 2020). 

            Brad Wilcox gave a BYU devotional address titled “His Grace is Sufficient” on July 12, 2011. That talk has had a profound influence on my life ever since I first watched it. Brad’s powerful message has helped me to reframe my thinking and has strengthened my testimony. His talk has guided my progress, much like the lyrics of so many songs by Hilary Weeks. It was discussed when I first attended a stake institute class in September 2013 and again when I took a Book of Mormon class at the UVU Institute during Spring 2019 semester. In this chapter, I will share the parts that have been most influential in my life.

            He explained that he will be speaking “about changing weaknesses into strengths and about how the grace of Jesus Christ is sufficient (see Ether 12:27, Doctrine and Covenants 17:8, 2 Corinthians 12:9,)—sufficient to cover us, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes.” He began with a story about a BYU student who asked to speak with him. “She said, ‘I just don’t get grace… I know I need to do my best and then Jesus does the rest, but I can’t even do my best.’ She continued, ‘I know that I have to do my part and then Jesus makes up the difference and fills the gap that stands between my part and perfection. But who fills the gap that stands between where I am now and my part?’” That girl could have easily been me. As a perfectionist, I have asked those same questions countless times during my life. Brad’s reply continues to be so helpful to me, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us… He paid our debt in full. He didn’t pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished… You have plenty to do, but it is not to fill that gap. We will all be resurrected. We will all go back to God’s presence. What is left to be determined by our obedience is what kind of body we plan on being resurrected with and how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and how long we plan to stay there.”

            He continued by explaining more about the doctrine of Christ. “Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His. Justice requires immediate perfection or a punishment when we fall short. Because Jesus took that punishment, He can offer us the chance for ultimate perfection (see Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) and help us reach that goal. He can forgive what justice never could, and He can turn to us now with His own set of requirements.” I have written notes in my scriptures for both of the verses he referenced. When I took “Repentance and Forgiveness” during my last semester of institute, I was very grateful for what I learned from 2 Nephi 2:7. It says that Christ “offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” My teacher explained that means both ends of the law – forgiveness when we sin and compensation when we have been wronged in any way. That felt so comforting to me. In 3 Nephi 9:20, Christ explains, “whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.” I wrote, “we are bathed in the Spirit after we are baptized and confirmed. We may not realize it because He is always there (by default).”

            He continued with the story. “’So what’s the difference?’ the girl asked. ‘Whether our efforts are required by justice or by Jesus, they are still required.’” Brad gave this helpful reply, “True… but they are required for a different purpose. Fulfilling Christ’s requirements is like paying a mortgage instead of rent or like making deposits in a savings account instead of paying off debt. You still have to hand it over every month, but it is for a totally different reason.” Then he shared a really helpful analogy. “Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher… Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice. If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing… perhaps it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn’t see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane.”

            He explained, “In the same way, because Jesus has paid justice, He can now turn to us and say, ‘Follow me’ (Matthew 4:19), ‘Keep my commandments’ (John 14:15). If we see His requirements as being way too much to ask (‘… None of the other Christians have to pay tithing… go on missions, serve in callings, and do temple work!’), maybe it is because we do not yet see through Christ’s eyes. We have not yet comprehended what He is trying to make of us.” He then quoted Bruce C. Hafen’s book. “The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character” (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).

            He continued the explanation, “Let’s put that in terms of our analogy: The child must practice the piano, but this practice has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its purpose is change. I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, ‘You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven.’ I say, ‘No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it (see Doctrine and Covenants 78:7). We are practicing for it.’ They ask me, ‘Have you been saved by grace?’ I answer, ‘Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!’ Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: ‘Have you been changed by grace?’ They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for… As my friend Omar Canals puts it, ‘While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us.’ As Moroni puts it, grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior (see Moroni 7:48). The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly (see John 10:10). The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can be cleansed and consoled but that we can be transformed (see Romans 8). Scriptures make it clear that no unclean thing can dwell with God (see Alma 40:26), but… no unchanged thing will even want to. …Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to be heavenly.”

            Then he explained this in an even more profound way. “…The older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, ‘Let me stay.’ No, he will probably be saying, ‘Get me out of here!’ Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, ‘Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.’ The miracle of the [Savior’s] Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there. If Christ did not require faith and repentance, then there would be no desire to change… [Some people] are not trying to abandon sin and become comfortable with God. Rather, they are trying to abandon God and become comfortable with sin. If Jesus did not require covenants and bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost, then there would be no way to change. We would be left forever with only willpower, with no access to His power. If Jesus did not require endurance to the end, then there would be no internalization of those changes over time. They would forever be surface and cosmetic rather than sinking inside us and becoming part of us—part of who we are.”

            Because I still struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, the next part of his talk was very instructive to me. He listed some general excuses, “…‘I’m just not very good at the piano. I hit a lot of wrong notes. It takes me forever to get it right.’ Now wait. Isn’t that all part of the learning process? When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven? Too many are giving up on the Church because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they always feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace. … There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can… ‘continue in patience until [we] are perfected’ (Doctrine and Covenants 67:13).”

            There is a very misunderstood scriptural passage in our culture. Brad clarifies it beautifully. “…Christ is not waiting at the finish line once we have done ‘all we can do’ (2 Nephi 25:23). He is with us every step of the way.” He then quotes Bruce C. Hafen’s book as a second witness, “The Savior’s gift of grace to us is not necessarily limited in time to ‘after’ all we can do. We may receive his grace before, during and after the time when we expend our own efforts” (The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 155). A third witness comes from a “Don’t Miss This” video I watched on March 5, 2020. David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman focus on this concept frequently in their teaching and writing. This is the full verse, “For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” David and Emily point out that it says earlier in the verse that “believing in Christ is all we can do.” They also point out that “we” is the combination of Jesus and each of us.

            Brad then strings these powerful phrases together, “So grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher’s touch.” He references Hebrews 12:2 there. It is one of my favorite verses in all of scripture and I learned to love it even more as I studied it during my institute classes. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross…” I wrote a note in my scriptures next to that verse. “We are the joy that was set before Christ which helped Him endure until His atoning sacrifice was finished.” I cross referenced that with Hebrews 6:18-20. It says, “That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus.” I love that! I wrote another note in my scriptures on March 5, 2020, so it was also inspired by that “Don’t Miss This” video. “Jesus provides the hope that is set before us, just as we were the joy that was set before Him during His atoning sacrifice for each of us.”

            Brad continued, “The first company of Saints entered the Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847. Their journey was difficult and challenging; still, they sang:

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.” (That phrase is the inspiration for the name of my blog.)
“Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
[“Come, Come, Ye Saints,” Hymns, 2002, no. 30]

‘Grace shall be as your day’—what an interesting phrase. We have all sung it hundreds of times, but have we stopped to consider what it means? ‘Grace shall be as your day’: grace shall be like a day. As dark as night may become, we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins, and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the grace of Jesus Christ. Do we earn a sunrise? No. Do we have to be worthy of a chance to begin again? No. We just have to accept these blessings and take advantage of them. As sure as each brand-new day, grace—the enabling power of Jesus Christ—is constant. Faithful pioneers knew they were not alone. The task ahead of them was never as great as the power behind them.” Emily Freeman also shared her thoughts about this phrase, “The grace, or enabling and strengthening power, we desire will be given according to the needs of our day. In other words, ‘Grace will be given as your day requires.’ Another favorite hymn teaches this same principle: ‘As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be’ (‘How Firm a Foundation,’ Hymns, no. 85)” (Making it Through the Middle, [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2014], 17-18).  A dictionary definition of succor is “assistance and support in times of hardship and distress.”  I’ve also heard it described as the Savior “running to” someone in distress.

            Brad Wilcox concluded, “The grace of Christ is sufficient—sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes. The Book of Mormon teaches us to rely solely on ‘the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah’ (2 Nephi 2:8). As we do, we do not discover—as some Christians believe—that Christ requires nothing of us. Rather, we discover the reason He requires so much and the strength to do all He asks (see Philippians 4:13). Grace is not the absence of God’s high expectations. Grace is the presence of God’s power (see Luke 1:37). Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said the following: ‘Now may I speak . . . to those buffeted by false insecurity, who, though laboring devotedly in the Kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short. . . .This feeling of inadequacy is . . . normal. There is no way the Church can honestly describe where we must yet go and what we must yet do without creating a sense of immense distance. . . .This is a gospel of grand expectations, but God’s grace is sufficient for each of us’ [‘Notwithstanding My Weakness,’ Ensign, November 1976, 12, 14]. With Elder Maxwell, I testify that God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’ grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need…. Don’t quit. Keep trying… Look for the Lord and His perfect strength… Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, I promise you will feel the enabling power we call His amazing grace…. Jesus is pulling with you…”

          Grace is one of the gifts of God that I am most grateful for. That’s why I combined gratitude with grace in this chapter. “Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received. As we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be… spiritually strong.” When we “regularly express our gratitude to God for the blessings He gives us and to others for the kind acts they do for us,” our gratitude grows. “Gratitude is an uplifting… attitude. People are generally happier when they have gratitude in their hearts. We cannot be bitter, resentful, or mean-spirited when we are grateful” (“Gratitude,” Gospel Topics, churchofjesuschrist.org).

            I love these descriptions of gratitude from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “…render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you… and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another… and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you” (Mosiah 2:20-22). “…worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you” (Alma 34:38).

            Henry B. Eyring has often taught the importance of expressing gratitude in our prayers and in a journal. He explained, “Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done” (O, Remember, Remember, Ensign, Nov. 2007).

            In my Positive Psychology class, we were also taught the importance of gratitude journals. I’ve noticed that gratitude in my present circumstances doesn’t necessarily change anything about my situation, but it changes how I feel about it. It can almost instantly transform my worry into peace. I’m grateful every day for the atonement of Jesus Christ, which showers the gifts of grace, repentance, forgiveness, hope, and peace into my life and allows me unlimited opportunities to change and improve. I’m equally grateful to Heavenly Father for giving us the gift of His Son. I’m grateful to Him for answered prayers, divine intersections, miracles, freedom to choose, and eternal perspective. I’m grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost, which testifies of Them, and for the personal revelation, inspiration, guidance, and protection from harm He gives. I’m grateful for living prophets and apostles, for Priesthood power, for temples and ordinances, and for the sacrament, which allows us to renew our covenants each week. I’m grateful for the strength and comfort I receive from studying the scriptures and listing to uplifting music.

           What are you grateful for? In addition to the important list above, I’m grateful for the beauty of nature and the opportunity to live close to these majestic mountains. I’m especially grateful for warm sunshine and cool breezes, blue skies, white fluffy or wispy clouds, sunsets and rainbows after rain, green leaves on shade trees and colorful leaves in the fall, crunchy leaves to walk through, spring blossoms on a variety of trees, cheerful flowers in other people’s yards, and the sound of ocean waves. I’m grateful for the blessings of freedom and protection in our country, for garbage trucks that pick up our waste each week; for a comfortable home that provides protections from the elements with electricity, running water from faucets, warm water for showers, indoor plumbing, air conditioning and ceiling fans to keep us cool in the summer, furnaces to heat our homes in the winter, vacuums and microwaves, stoves and ovens, dishwashers and garbage disposals, freezers and refrigerators with ice and water dispensers, washing machines and dryers, curling irons and hair dryers, fresh smelling detergent and fabric softener, toilet paper and paper towels, comfortable beds with clean sheets.

                I’m also grateful for locks on doors and windows that keep us safe, lights on the outside of houses and nightlights for comfort, bannisters next to stairs, lawnmowers and other yardwork equipment, automatic sprinkler systems and automatic garage doors that open with the push of a button, dependable cars, computers and printers, laptops, internet and email, cell phones with built in cameras, texting and Instagram, digital pianos and streaming music. I’m grateful for a healthy body, eyes that see, ears that hear, nose that smells, able hands to serve with, feet and legs to walk with, good hair days, times when I can think clearly and focus, smiles and straight teeth, orthodontists who know how to straighten them if they’re not, healing and restorative sleep, healthy pregnancies, modern medicine, kind doctors and dentists, empathetic psychiatrists and therapists, life coaches who teach how to think and feel in beneficial ways, plenty of food, feeling full and not fat, clothes that fit well, wrinkle-free clothes, savings in the bank, Quicken and finances that balance, paid bills and tax returns. I’m grateful for my husband who loves me and sees the good in me (even when I don’t), who works so hard to provide our comfortable lifestyle; for his ability to cook delicious meals, his willingness to help keep the house clean and in good repair, his conscientious care of the yard, his talent with woodworking and playing the guitar. I’m grateful for our two children and how they have grown into kind and capable adults, for a healthy and happy grandson who lives with us, and for parents and siblings who care. I’m grateful for good friends to walk and talk with, hugs and laughter, good people who inspire me and are willing to serve others, the ability to drive where I need to go, the ability to organize and carry a tune, time to relax and recover, not having to work outside the home, having my own office with uplifting pictures and sayings on every wall. I’m grateful for yummy smelling lotion for dry skin, Neosporin for cuts, lip balm, sugar cones for an occasional ice cream treat, pebbled ice, kiwi strawberry Propel to drink, Belvita breakfast biscuits for snacks, puppies and babies… This list could go on and on. 

***

            The main reason I chose to serve a mission was to share the good news that there is always hope in Christ. Jeffrey R. Holland explained. “Repent (is) perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary” (“Broken Things to Mend,” Ensign, May 2006). Richard G. Scott reminded us, “Repentance is not punishment. It is the hope-filled path to a more glorious future.” (“Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign, Nov. 2013). The Bible dictionary gives this helpful explanation of repentance, “The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.” (“Repentance,” Bible Dictionary).

            I once taught a lesson about repentance to the women in our church congregation. Ezra Taft Benson taught, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. …Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world” (“Principles of True Repentance,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 78). That quote has held special significance to me, especially since I served in North East Philadelphia during the first three months of my full-time proselyting mission. One person who truly changes can help break the cycle of poverty and hopelessness in their family. 

Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” That is good counsel for all of us. 

Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning (part 2)

 

          I actively avoided taking any math or English classes during my first two semesters, but I couldn’t put them off much longer. I finally felt brave enough to register for Math 990 during Summer semester 2016. This was an expensive four credit class (which was required, since I hadn’t taken any math classes since 1989 in high school). However, it was only a prerequisite and didn’t count toward any degree. So several academic advisors recommended that I take a $45 class called Math Leap instead. I took another “leap of faith” and dropped the math class, but the advisor over Math Leap explained that I could even pay a little less by purchasing a personal copy of the ALEKS program to work on at home. (I volunteered to take notes in Sociology class for a student who had those accommodations and I ended up getting paid $50, which offset the cost!) ALEKS is an acronym for Assessment and Learning in Knowledge Spaces. It’s an online tutoring and assessment program that intuitively focuses on what you need help with the most, while skipping skills you’ve already mastered. I diligently worked through math problems each day for over seven weeks. I was nervous to take the test, but I finally did at the end of June. I scored 36, which placed me in Math 1010, but I didn’t want to settle for the general math class. I decided to continue studying and took the test again on July 5^th. That time, I scored 55, which placed me in Math 1040 (Introduction to Statistics - the math class suggested for Behavioral Science majors). I was so proud of myself for sticking with it and was asked to be in a testimonial video for ALEKS later that semester. 

            Meanwhile, my therapist and psychiatrist recommended that I apply for a grant from a government program called Vocational Rehabilitation. It forced me out of my comfort zone to meet with the counselor there, but I’m grateful I did. No scholarships are available for summer semester and Voc. Rehab. just happened to have a surplus around that same time, so they made a one-time payment of $1,525 to cover the tuition for my other two classes. One of those classes was Introduction to Film and I took it online with our daughter to fulfill our fine arts requirement. We watched several movies together and had to write papers on a few of them, but it ended up being relatively fun. The other class was English 1010 and it was not fun at all. I took it during first block of Summer semester, which meant the schedule was condensed and accelerated. I was required to write five short papers and five long papers in seven weeks. The stress from that caused an MS relapse and I ended up having to wear a knee brace over my jeans for an entire year after that. However, one paper was a review, so that gave my husband and I a chance to revisit the Springville Museum of Art, which is where my bridal pictures were taken back in 1995. I chose to write the final paper on a religious topic and I had several insightful conversations with my teacher about it, so those two experiences made it feel worthwhile.

            I qualified for a $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center for the Fall 2016 semester. I applied that toward Introduction to Statistics and Contemporary Families (which fulfilled my Global Intercultural requirement ). I volunteered to take notes in Statistics class for another student with those accommodations and received $50 again, so that helped pay for one of the textbooks. Taking notes for someone else required me to pay closer attention than I may have normally, so I probably owe my A- to that, because I didn’t really understand very much of it. In Contemporary Families class, we were divided into groups of five students, who became our family for the semester. I grew close to them during our time together and even invited them to our home for dinner and a hike up the hill behind the cemetery as our final activity. We sat and talked as we watched the sunset, which I really enjoyed. I kept in touch with two of the female students for awhile after that and was grateful for the chance to get to know them better outside of class.

            We decided to build our new home with a functional main level during Fall semester, since my leg still hadn’t recovered from the MS relapse. That meant we would be moving in the middle of Spring 2017 semester, so I decided to take both of my classes online, instead of having the added stress of traveling to and from campus. I qualified for another $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center and applied that toward my two online classes during Spring semester. One was Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences, which is the only upper division class I’ve ever taken. I wanted to ride the momentum from ALEKS and Introduction to Stats, since this would be the last math class I would have to take for my entire degree. The textbook was online and was written by the professor who taught the class. During the first week of class, he offered $100 cash to any student who was good at proofreading. So I told him I would volunteer if no one else did and I started to make some notes for possible corrections as I went along. I assumed someone else was actually doing it, so I didn’t feel pressure, but he told me later that I was the only one. He invited me to his office, so he could pay me, after I took the first test in the testing center. It was really nice to meet him in person, since his videos were very helpful and I knew his voice so well from watching them. It ended up being much more difficult to proofread after chapter eight, partially because of the difficulty of the material and also because we were packing and preparing to move. I told him I could return the $100 bill, but he said I had earned that and more already. I appreciated the way he graciously allowed me out of “the contract.”

            The other online class I took during Spring 2017 semester was Stress Management with a focus on Hardiness. That was the perfect class to provide therapy for the stress I felt while packing, moving, and unpacking during the semester. Since it worked so well the previous year, our daughter and I took Introduction to Meteorology online for Summer 2017 semester. It wasn’t nearly as fun as the film class, but I have always loved looking at the different types of clouds as I’ve walked. So learning about each type and being able to name them when I saw them in the sky made it worthwhile for me. Our daughter didn’t like anything about the class, but at least it met the requirement for one of our two physical science classes.  

            Unexpected changed occurred during Fall semester 2017. I registered for Positive Psychology (which was taught by my previous Intro. to Sociology teacher) and Interpersonal Relationship Skills. I was feeling discouraged going into the semester, so I felt like these classes were perfectly timed. In Positive Psychology, we learned about positive affirmations and our first assignment was to write five affirmations on index cards. Since I was feeling so discouraged, I decided to make four extra sets of them and used a black marker so they would stand out. I focused specifically on areas where I wanted to improve. The first set included: I am enough, I am capable, I make a difference in my family, I assume the best, I forgive myself and others. The second set included: I am resilient, I am brave, I am calm and confident, I am stronger because of every “failure” or mistake, I focus on “small or something.” The third set included: I have good ideas, I make good decisions, I have my own opinions, I am a successful student, I know and respect my limits. The fourth set included: I am grateful, I stay in the present, I look for the everyday miracles surrounding me, I have eternal perspective, I am making progress. The fifth set included: I am anchored by faith, hope, and love; I am saved through Christ’s grace, I have faith that God keeps his promises, I walk to show God that I love my legs; I triumph daily over depression, anxiety, and MS.  

            I also made cards with other motivational quotes and thoughts on them. They included: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass), “Let go and let God,” God works through me to bless others, “Things will work out” (Gordon B. Hinckley), and “Gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” In addition, I made a card with three common thinking errors that I easily fall into. It read, Avoid “all or nothing” / “always or never” / “should.” Our second assignment was to listen to a YouTube recording of  “The Strangest Secret in the World” by Earl Nightingale. This is a summary of the recording, “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” I also simplified it and made three more index cards: “Success is the progressive realization of a worth ideal;” We become what we think about; Believe and succeed. I carried all 35 of these index cards in a Ziploc bag inside my binder. I took them out and read through them three times each day. My goal was very general. I just wanted to live a more balanced life – by focusing on emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. So I began our third assignment, which was a 30-day challenge, with that goal in mind. We weren't supposed to plan how it would happen. We were just supposed to put all our faith and emotional energy into living positively and the way to achieve our goal would be opened to us.

            I sent the following email to my teacher on Saturday evening, which was September 2, 2017 (just a week into this process.) “You know how I'm putting all my positive thoughts into living a balanced life? My husband and I were talking this evening about how we're still having some big obstacles in our marriage. It had never occurred to me that my going to college is one of them. But he keeps saying that I ‘go away’ emotionally each semester and the breaks in between aren't long enough to recover the ground we've lost. I have noticed that he's right and I've tried not to, but school is stressful and I can only concentrate on a few things at a time in life before my brain feels like it's going to explode. Well, a definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ This evening, it hit me all of a sudden that I need to not do school anymore. As soon as I had this thought, I stopped crying and felt total peace. That was the total opposite solution that I thought I would come to! John didn't suggest it and I didn't feel pressured into it. It just suddenly became crystal clear to me. My scholarship appeal was approved yesterday, so it isn't because I'm feeling pressured or overwhelmed. In fact, I couldn't be in a better mindset to succeed. So I think I have now found my answer that will lead to a balanced life. I have the materials we were going to study this semester and I plan to continue keeping the gratitude journal and reviewing my affirmation cards. However, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences of the past six years and I kept saying that I would when I finish with college – in five years. But I think this is the time. I really want to drop my two classes now, but I'm going to sleep on it. I don't want to make a mistake, but I really feel like this is the path I should take. So let me know what you think. However, if I still feel strongly about it tomorrow, I think I'm just going to act, since the drop deadline is Tuesday. If this is my answer, then you can consider this my preview essay for the 30-day challenge. Wow! I had no idea it would really work! And I'm only a week into the challenge!”

            My teacher supported me in my decision and I met her on Tuesday to talk more about it on campus. I also met with my academic advisor, who had then become a good friend. She helped me fill out the paper work to withdraw completely from school. Then I went around and thanked a few of my teachers in the family studies department before heading home. When I arrived home, I started to panic a little bit because now the pressure was on to improve my marriage and write the book. I remembered that my friend saw a therapist with her husband, so I looked up the website. I called to explain our situation and they recommended a therapist. When I saw her picture on the website, I knew she was the right one. I ended up meeting with her five times on my own and five additional times with John. We were making good progress when she told me her husband had joined the military and they would be moving to Las Vegas. I decided to stop seeing her professionally and asked if I could meet her a couple more times in a casual setting before they moved. She talked with her supervisor and made the exception. So we met once at Café Rio. Then she met me two other times with her two little boys, once at the park and once at Chick-fil-A, so they could play while we talked. I’m grateful for the progress John and I made during those three months of therapy.

            During that time, I also tried to start writing this book. However, I could never decide how to organize it and moving forward with the writing just felt too overwhelming. So I decided to just try to write it as a personal history, but that ended up becoming family history in January 2018 – which became a whole other part of my journey. (I write about that in chapter 32.) Meanwhile, I also discovered a couple of life coaches online. Brooke Castillo started The Life Coach School and Jody Moore was trained by her. Jody is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coaches with those values. I listened to several free webinars, poured through information on their websites, and took copious notes. I even thought I might want to become a life coach, but then I felt prompted to return to college and finish my associate degree instead. It felt ridiculous to head in that direction again, but I know better than to second-guess those strong promptings.

            I registered for Summer 2018 semester at UVU and took Introduction to Geology, which fulfilled my second and final physical science requirement. My classroom was in the Pope Science building right next to the opening where the large pendulum swings. There are also several cases filled with different types of rocks in that area of the building, which were fascinating to look at before and after class. I volunteered to take notes for another student who had those accommodations, so that helped me to focus much more closely than I probably would have otherwise (and I earned another $50, which helped pay for my textbook). The teacher had some conflicts toward the end of the semester, so we were given the option to write a final paper or study the slides for the last few chapters on our own and take the final exam in the testing center. I opted for the latter. By that time, I learned how to take notes from the slides in a way that was helpful for my brain to remember them.

            The last chapter was on evolution and it was a little unsettling to me. So I read a lot of extra information and decided that I fall into the camp of “evolutionary creationism,” which means I believe God uses a type of evolution within His creation process. To me, that is basically a loose definition of eternal progression, which I write about in the final chapter of this book. I also realized that I lean more toward Christian universalism in my spiritual beliefs, while still staying true to my core beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe “everyone wins” in God’s plan because we all basically decide where we will end up in eternity and how comfortable we will be there by our choices and actions in this life. That strengthened my belief in the importance of agency, along with the reality of God’s unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

            During the Fall 2018 semester I took Nutrition through the Lifecycle (to fulfill my Biology requirement) and Introduction to Social Work. That was the first year of teaching for my nutrition teacher and I really enjoyed her casual and helpful approach. I sat by a female student in both classes that I became friends with and I met them outside of class several times to study for tests. That made the semester much more enjoyable. I also became friends with a recovered heroin user in my social work class. She returned to college after having a baby and cleaning up her life. I was impressed with her authenticity, her dedication to making good choices, and her courage in achieving her goals.

            We were each required to participate in 20 service hours outside of social work class, which was the most difficult part of the semester for me. I decided to volunteer with the English conversation club. So I met a Chinese woman several times on campus and once at her home to help her practice speaking English. I enjoyed getting to know her in the process. I also joined a Spanish woman in her English class a few times to help her with the vocabulary, exercises, and activities in her workbook. She knew very little English, but it was fun trying to figure out how to communicate with body language and also a little help from Google Translate. I still needed several more volunteer hours, so I contacted a woman in our previous ward who taught fourth grade at Westmore Elementary. She agreed to let me help two boys who needed additional practice with math and reading skills. I took them out in the hall and tutored them there. I became extra close with one of the boys and she asked me to focus all my attention on him during the last few visits. An interesting side note is that I attended Westmore Elementary for first, second, and third grade between 1978 and 1981. It was a very old building then and has since been remodeled. I’m grateful for the chance I had to try to make a difference in the lives of those two women and that boy.

            I was really nervous about taking Ethics and Values, so I took that class by itself during Spring 2019 semester. I had previously dropped that class within the first week during several other semesters because I just didn’t feel good about the teacher or syllabus. So I knew I needed to make it work this time. This teacher was head of the Philosophy department and Director of the Center for Ethics at the university, so he treated it like an upper division class. That made it easier in a way, but also more stressful in other ways. The only assignments during the entire semester were a midterm exam, a research paper, a group debate, and a final exam (which ended up being several essay answers submitted from home). Ever since I was a teenager, I have appreciated this quote by Plato, “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.” I was grateful to learn about Socrates and Plato because I knew very little about them before taking the class. In fact, I chose to write my research paper about them. I decided to compare and contrast Socrates and Plato with Jesus and Paul. It was an extremely broad, but very fascinating topic for me. I was paired with a difficult student for the group debate, but the preparation taught me a lot about patience. I also learned how to prepare a power point presentation for the first time and presenting in front of the class helped me face some of my fears. I learned to look at ideas from different perspectives as I listened to the professor’s lectures, participated in the class discussions, and attended campus events on religion and sexual orientation for extra credit. I also appreciated talking with the professor occasionally after class.

            I decided to take my remaining three classes at the Institute of Religion to earn my diploma over the summer. So my last semester at UVU occurred during Fall 2019. Because I was only able to transfer 7.66 credits from my previous college experiences in 1990 and 1992, I was required to take an extra one credit class in order to meet the minimum requirement of 60 credits for an associate degree. If I wanted an associate degree in Behavioral Science, I would need to take Social/Cultural Anthropology, which was a three credit class and is another one I had dropped several times during the first week in previous semesters. My other option was an online Library Research class, which was one credit. Neither felt like good options, but I chose Library Research and downgraded my associate degree to a basic University Studies degree. The other class I had been putting off was English 2010. So I finally took the darn intermediate writing class. The two main assignments were a personal dilemma paper and a research paper with annotated bibliography. So my online Library Research class ended up being the perfect class to take with it, since the main assignment was an annotated bibliography. I decided to write my paper on how to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women. So I worked on half of the annotated bibliography for that topic in Library Research and finished the requirements for that class about a month early. During that time, I wrote and submitted both drafts of the personal dilemma paper in English. That left the rest of the semester to focus on finishing the annotated bibliography and writing the research paper. I had a couple of mini-nervous breakdowns, but ended up with a paper I was proud of. I appreciated my professor’s kindness and helpful feedback during the entire writing process. She was the exact teacher I needed for that class. We had different views about religion, but she was very respectful and I learned a lot from her.  I turned in the final paper a couple weeks before the semester was over and her only feedback was that I should put it up on a blog so others could read it. I eventually followed that counsel and it has been the perfect accountability tool for finally writing this book. I ended up with 60.66 credits and an associate degree – with high honors. I believe each class and each teacher taught me valuable life lessons and I will always be grateful for the entire experience.

Chapter 26: Spiritual Learning

 

            On July 23, 2018, I  took a tour of UVU with my sister and her oldest daughter, since she was considering coming here for college the following year. At the end of the tour, we were walking past the back door of the Institute of Religion and my sister wondered if the door was open. We went down to check and it was. So we convinced her daughter to just be willing to check it out with us. One of the teachers there gave us an impromptu tour, some tips about good times to hang out there, and a plug for the inexpensive parking. At the end of the tour, I mentioned that I was a student at UVU also. He surprised me by saying I was eligible to take classes there too. That thought had never crossed my mind previously and it planted a seed, in the same way it did during the  original tour of UVU with our daughter. I took a copy of the classes offered and looked over it when I returned home. I decided to take Teachings of President Russell M. Nelson and two other classes, but I wasn’t allowed to register for them online because I’m over the age of 30. I called and the secretary told me she could register me if I came down there in person. So I rushed back to the Institute before I lost my courage. I signed up for two other classes on Monday and Wednesday as well,  since my UVU classes were on Tuesday and Thursday.  

            On July 30^th, my sister and I met a family friend for breakfast at the Kneaders near our home. She gave my sister a book titled Joseph Smith’s First Vision: A Guide to the Historical Accounts by Steven C. Harper. I spontaneously decided to go along with my sister up to Temple Square that day. She was meeting a friend for lunch and I thought it would be a peaceful experience to get away, walk around Temple Square, and read that book in preparation for beginning Institute classes the following month. We separated when we arrived and I wandered through Temple Square taking pictures. Then I watched the panoramic short movie of the first vision in the Church History Museum and it felt like I was there in the sacred grove with Joseph. I just stayed seated after the film ended and pondered about how grateful I was that he had the courage to pray and find answers for himself. I decided to stay and watch it again. A Japanese family came in and sat down, which meant the film was shown in their language. It helped me feel the Spirit even stronger when I couldn’t understand the words being said. That experience was the perfect preparation for reading the book later. After the film ended, I looked around the museum and paid special attention to the Kirtland time period, since our parents were currently serving a mission in Historic Kirtland. I didn’t feel like doing anything else, so after I took a picture of the Christus statue in the North Visitors Center, I sat on a chair below the ramp leading up to it. I rested my leg and started to read my sister’s book.

            I decided to walk around a little more after reading for about 45 minutes. So I headed over to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. I rode the elevator up to the tenth floor to see the view and read a little more of the book on a bench just down the hall from the fountain and restaurants. Then I rode the elevator back down to the mezzanine level to listen to the beautiful piano music coming from the lobby below.

            After listening to the music for a few minutes, I felt ready to read some more. So I sat in the chapel and read while I waited for my sister to meet me after her lunch. The book discusses the different accounts of Joseph Smith’s first vision from a historical scholarly perspective. The short movie I watched earlier blended a few details from the different accounts to provide a fuller perspective of Joseph’s reasons for praying that day. The different accounts were told at different times to different people in different settings. To me, if each telling were exactly the same, that would make me feel like it was fabricated – like he memorized a story he made up. Each time he shared the story, he discussed different details to fit the audience. The whole afternoon was a very spiritual experience for me with plenty of time to ponder and pray about what I was reading.

            The appearance of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to Joseph, not only ushered in a new dispensation with Priesthood power on the earth, but also explained more about Their character. Heavenly Father called Joseph by name, which meant He knew him and cared about the concerns of this fourteen year old farm boy from a poor family. He introduced Jesus and asked Joseph to “Hear Him.” This vision showed that They were two distinct and separate Beings. It also demonstrated the complete trust Heavenly Father has in Jesus as the Savior of all mankind. I’m grateful that I took the time to visit the Christus statue as well. My testimony is centered in Jesus Christ. I’m so grateful for His perfect life, which showed us the way to live ours. I’m even more grateful for His atoning sacrifice for each of us. This selfless sacrifice included His suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, more agonizing suffering on the cross, and His resurrection on the third day. Because of Him, we will all be resurrected. Through His grace, we have the opportunity to repent, forgive, progress, change, and become more like Him in the process. This experience only strengthened the testimony and I know I was inspired to spontaneously join my sister that day.

            When I walked into the Institute on the first day of class, I was overwhelmed by the peaceful Spirit in that building. It was even more tangible than I feel it in the temple. I was grateful for the opportunity to spend more time in another building dedicated for holy purposes. I immediately loved my teacher for Teachings of President Russell M. Nelson and felt a desire to talk with her as often as possible after class. I soaked up the information in each class and took pictures of most of the slides so that I could revisit what I was learning. I also became friends with two female students - one sat behind me and the other sat next to me at the other end of the row. I believe that the teacher and one of those friends were a big part of the reason I was supposed to attend Institute. That is the teacher who encouraged me on the last day I attended class to pay more attention to references in the temple endowment session about the cross. I discuss that later in the chapter titled “Being Tutored in the Temple.”

            I enjoyed the lesson in the other two classes on that first day, but I also knew I wasn’t supposed to take them after all. Along with that thought, I unexpectedly had a strong desire to try to graduate from Institute, which was not on my radar at all. So I went to talk to the secretaries about the possibility of transferring my religion credits from BYU. Two of the secretaries lived in the 5^th ward of our previous stake and the other one was related to a family in the 3^rd ward. What are the odds of that? I wasn’t ever able to visit them when I lived there, so I thought this might be an opportunity to get to know them better. They agreed to transfer both classes from Fall semester 1992, which was such a relief and meant that nothing had been wasted from that original college experience! My Sharing the Gospel class transferred as an elective and they were willing to allow my Book of Mormon class to count as one of the core classes in place of Eternal Families, since I just didn’t think it was a good idea to expose myself to ideal teachings with my current family situation. In order to graduate, I needed to take three core classes, so I knew I needed to start that semester. I wasn’t sure which core class to choose, so I asked the secretaries for suggestions. They suggested I talk to one of the teachers and so I went to the classroom where his class was just finishing. He immediately reminded me of my dad and he actually knew my dad. That was enough of a reason to take the class from him, so I registered for Foundations of the Restoration and began attending the next class.  

            I signed up to give a short devotional at the beginning of the following class on August 27, 2018. I’m including that here. “In Words of Mormon, Mormon abridges the large plates of Nephi and he puts the small plates with the other plates. Verse 7 says, ‘And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will.’ This verse is explaining how the Lord prepared a way for the work not to be frustrated when Joseph lost the 116 pages. But, in a personal application, I have been so grateful for the promptings of the Spirit when I'm trying to figure out my next steps. That happened to me last Wednesday. I was prompted to go to the temple before class and put all of my temple cards in my backpack. I didn't know why, but I know better not to follow a prompting. During the session, I was given a stronger prompting to ask others if they would like to help with some of the names. That wasn't something I planned. I feel like it should be a priority for each of us to find our own family names to take to the temple. But a couple of older ladies in my previous ward asked me to help them with their names, which I did for several years. And that laid the foundation for finding my own names. I hope that will be the case with the people who help me as well. I know that personal revelation is a gift from Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful to Joseph Smith for following his prompting to pray out loud and ask God for more wisdom.” I passed around a sign-up sheet after that, even though I probably wasn’t supposed to. Several students signed up and continued to help me with my temple work all semester. Three kind returned missionary guys helped me with several endowments each. Two female students in that class and also my two friends in the other class helped with baptisms, confirmations, initiatories, and a couple of endowments. In addition, I kept running into a guy I met in the class I dropped. I asked if he would be willing to help also and he did several initiatories and endowments as well. It was clear that the Lord orchestrated which classes I should take and I’m so grateful for those divine intersections.

            On September 7, 2018, I was prompted to attend the Friday noon devotional where Steve Harper spoke about the new book titled Saints that he helped edit. (He is the author of the book on Joseph Smith that I spent an afternoon reading at Temple Square in July.) I didn’t realize that my dad taught with him in the BYU religion department several years ago. When my teacher found out about that connection, she spontaneously invited me to the speaker’s luncheon afterward.       

  I was grateful to have the opportunity to thank him personally for writing that book. (Another small world connection is that his wife is the sister of a friend in our current ward.) I was also grateful that I followed the prompting to attend the devotional. It’s the only one I attended during the entire time I took classes at the Institute.

            I decided to visit my parents on their mission over Fall break. So I flew there by myself and had a good experience staying with them in their apartment and touring the nearby historic sites. In fact, I wrote my final paper on my visit to Kirtland and Hiram, Ohio on October 18-19, 2018. I’m including part of it here. “Before flying to see my missionary parents in Historic Kirtland, I learned about the areas I would visit in our Foundations of the Restoration class. In the three classes preceding my trip, we discussed lessons titled “The Vision” (Doctrine and Covenants 76), “The Kirtland Temple and Priesthood Keys” (Doctrine and Covenants 109-110), and “Strength Amid Opposition” (Doctrine and Covenants 112, 121, and 122). I’m grateful for the deeper perspective my visit gave to the events that I learned about in class.

            We visited the John Johnson home on the first day I was there. It is located in Hiram, Ohio (about 45 minutes away from Historic Kirtland). My parents and I were the only visitors on the tour, so we were able to take our time and I felt the Spirit confirm to me the importance of this place. Joseph and Emma Smith lived there while Joseph worked on the translation of the Bible (JST). He and Sidney Rigdon received the vision of the degrees of glory in the upper room of the Johnson home and it was recorded as Doctrine and Covenants section 76. The missionary who led the tour took a picture of my parents and I in that room where the Savior was seen in a vision!

            A mob of men violently dragged Joseph from the Johnson home one night, beat him unmercifully, and poured tar and feathers on him…. He made his way back to the house later that night, and the women there helped to remove the tar and feathers. He recovered enough to preach a sermon on the front steps of that home the next morning and was able to identify members of the mob among the group. I am impressed with the Christlike attributes of forgiveness and humility that the prophet Joseph Smith demonstrated.

             I walked up the hill on my own the next morning to take a tour of the Kirtland Temple. Prior to the tour, I bought a leather bound copy of the Inspired Version of the Bible (which includes the JST verses within the text). I also bought replicas of the 1830 Book of Mormon, the small 1833 Book of Commandments, the 1835 Doctrine and Covenants, and the small 1832 hymn book (Doctrine and Covenants 25 explains that the Lord asked Emma Smith to make a selection of sacred hymns)…. The Kirtland Temple served the Saints for about two years until they were driven out of the area because of persecution. I enjoyed the tour of the temple, but I didn’t feel the Spirit as strongly there as I did at the other sites, possibly because it is no longer owned and operated by our Church.

            The Kirtland Temple was the first temple to be built in this dispensation (D&C 88:119). It was dedicated in March 1836 (D&C 109) and the Savior appeared there to accept it as a place where He would reveal His word (D&C 110:1-10). After that, Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery were visited by Moses, Elias, and Elijah—they each restored priesthood keys for this dispensation (D&C 110:11-16). Moses restored the keys to the gathering of the lost tribes of Israel (I think of that as missionary work or proclaiming the gospel). Elias is a title and the Abrahamic Covenant was restored through him (I think of that as temple marriage or perfecting the saints). Elijah restored the sealing power (I think of that as redeeming the dead, where the hearts of the children are turned to their fathers and vice versa). Joseph Smith also saw a vision of the celestial kingdom in the Kirtland Temple (D&C 137) and I love verse 9, which explains that we will be judged by our works and the desires of our heart. That gives me great comfort because good people always seem to have a desire to do more than they actually end up doing, so we get credit for both. We have a very merciful and loving God.

             

            I met my parents at the visitors’ center when I returned from my tour of the temple. My dad took me on the first part of the visitors’ center tour (which included the rebuilt school house) with another couple. Then two missionary sisters took me on the remainder of the Historic Kirtland tour with a couple that was also on my temple tour. First, we visited the rebuilt ashery and sawmill. After that, we spent a lot of time in the restored Newel K. Whitney store and restored Whitney home. We completed the tour in the rebuilt John Johnson inn. 

            I thoroughly enjoyed the tour of the Whitney store and home. The N.K. Whitney store played a major role in the history of the Church in Kirtland. Joseph and Emma lived there for a time and the School of the Prophets was held in the upper room of the store. Joseph received the revelation on the Word of Wisdom (D&C 89) and he also worked on the translation of the Bible (JST) there. My parents and I returned later that afternoon so that my dad could give me a priesthood blessing in the room where the School of the Prophets met. It was a very sacred experience for me to receive a blessing in a place where the Savior was seen by Joseph and it helped me to feel closer to my parents.

            The last place we visited was the Isaac Morley farm, which is a couple of miles away from the main Historic Kirtland site. My dad bent a smaller limb down from one of the large trees on the farm, so that I could have a leaf from a tree that existed during the time of Joseph Smith. I appreciated learning that Isaac Morley stayed true to his faith, in spite of opposition. He and his wife, Mary, were some of the first converts to the Church in Ohio. At the time of their conversion, several friends lived on their farm and shared a communal lifestyle. Later, they better understood the higher law of consecration and were willing to eventually sacrifice their farm when the Lord commanded it. I’m very grateful for the faith, dedication, and courage of the early Saints, which makes it possible for me to enjoy the blessings of the gospel and temple work today.”

            I shared my family situation in relation to the church with the sister missionaries during the tour. At the end of the tour, they shared a quote by James E. Faust with me. “In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong.” He continued, “This change comes about through a refining process which often seems…hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit….This trial of faith can become a priceless experience. Stated Peter, ‘That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ’ (1 Peter 1:7). Trials and adversity can be preparatory to becoming born anew. A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures… born of God, changed, redeemed, and uplifted—to become the sons and daughters of God. (See Mosiah 27:24–27.)” (“The Refiner’s Fire,” Ensign, May 1979).

            No other semester compared with that first semester with those two classes hand-picked just for me. However, I still enjoyed and was uplifted by the other classes I took at the Institute. In Spring 2019, I took a second core class, Teachings and Doctrines of the Book of Mormon. In Summer 2019, I took three classes, so I could graduate and focus solely on my last semester at UVU in Fall 2019. During first term of Summer, I took my last core class, Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel. I also took an elective taught by the Institute director, Repentance and Forgiveness. It was a powerful class and I met another friend who I have stayed in touch with occasionally since then. Both teachers and that friend were helpful in supporting me after I found out our daughter and her boyfriend were going to have a baby.

            I took my last class during second term of Summer, Witnesses of Christ. There was only one other female student in that class and she didn’t participate much, so it was like having my own personal lesson with the teacher each time we met. Two ideas have stayed with me from that class. First, Nephi and Laban were types and shadows of Christ and Satan. In 1 Nephi 4:10, 18-19 it says that Nephi “shrunk and would that I might not… I did obey the voice of the Spirit… and I did gird on his armor…” This can be loosely compared to the Savior describing His intense suffering in Gethsemane, “…and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18-19). Nephi cut off Laban’s head and put on his armor, which symbolizes Christ’s full victory over Satan. I would have never discovered that comparison personally and I was grateful for the way this teacher helped me to look deeper in the scriptures. Second, I learned, “marvel not, neither should (you) doubt” (Alma 5:49). Marveling about miracles (and spiritual experiences) does not produce faith. Instead, it produces doubt. Saying, “I can’t believe it” when something good happens, actually shows doubt and not faith. Don’t say, “I know I was praying for it, but I can’t believe it actually happened.” Instead, thank the Lord for His blessing, which you expected, and continue on with faith. That was another principle I would have never thought of on my own. I’m grateful for teachers who study and teach with the Spirit.

            I have always appreciated the eloquence of a quote by Parley P. Pratt, ever since I first heard my dad quote it when I was a teenager. I discovered it again in Doctrines of the Gospel Student Manual. “An intelligent being, in the image of God, possesses every organ, attribute, sense, sympathy, affection, that is possessed by God himself…. These attributes are in embryo, and are to be gradually developed. They resemble a bud, a germ, which gradually develops into bloom, and then, by progress, produces the mature fruit after its own kind. The gift of the Holy Ghost adapts itself to all these organs or attributes. It quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands, and purifies all the natural passions and affections, and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates, and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings, and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness, and charity….” (Key to the Science of Theology, 61–62; quoted in “The Gift of the Holy Ghost,” Doctrines of the Gospel Student Manual). I am grateful for these strengthening and enhancing blessings.

            In the video “Wrong Roads,” Jeffery R. Holland explains, “ There are times when the only way to get from A to C is by way of B…. Noting that the sun was going down, (he and his son) decided we better get back. But we came back to a particular fork in the road, really the only one, that at that point, was absolutely unrecognizable. I asked my son to pray about which road to take, and he felt strongly that we should go to the right.... I did as well, and we went to the right and it was a dead end. We went four or five or six hundred yards and it was an absolute dead end, clearly the wrong road. We turned around, came back out, took the other road, and clearly the road to the left was the correct road. Somewhere along the way, Matt said, ‘Dad, why did we feel, after praying about it, that the right road was the proper one to take, the correct one to take, and it wasn't?’ And I said, ‘I think that the Lord, His wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance, with some understanding, that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it. And, in this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road, and very quickly know, without a doubt, that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty with equal conviction that the other one was the right road.’ I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father, and He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship, when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ‘I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be all right.’” I have been grateful for the times when my prayers have been answered in a similar way.           

            Richard G. Scott explained, “What do you do when you have prepared carefully, have prayed fervently, waited a reasonable time for a response, and still do not feel an answer? You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is an evidence of His trust. When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust. … When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision” (“Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007). I have experienced this idea of moving forward unless I feel stopped by the Spirit, rather than waiting for the Spirit to prompt me in every action.

            Another lesson came when I prayed for a stronger testimony of prophets and apostles in the temple on a Tuesday evening. This was during a difficult time when I was still sorting out my feelings around my family’s unbelief. I received an unmistakable answer from the scriptures during Gospel Doctrine class that Sunday on May 9, 2016. “…the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls. But behold, we are not witnesses alone in these things; for God also spake them unto prophets…” (Jacob 4:13). I attached this note to the verse in Gospel Library, “We can know of a surety that prophets and seers speak truth by the second witness of the Spirit who we can always trust to testify of truth.” I will end with a basic spiritual lesson I’ve learned. Repetition in the gospel is a good thing because it helps us know what we need to focus on most. When I notice repeated words in scriptures, like “remember, remember” or when I notice repeated themes in General Conference talks, I have learned to pay attention, rather than tune them out because they may seem redundant. That lesson has served me well time and time again.