It's Not Wrong to Be Wrong

I just listened to a "Better Than Happy" podcast by Jody Moore titled "Strong Convictions Loosely Held." I have only listened to about 30 episodes over the past 2.5 years, but I have benefited so much from them - along with many of her free webinars. I take copious notes each time. I wanted to save the notes I took today in a place where I could easily access them. The ideas in brackets are my own thoughts.

• Doing something wrong might make us feel guilty. That can easily slide into shame, which is thinking you're wrong about doing something wrong. The truth is, we're going to do it wrong about half of the time as humans and that's okay because it's one of the best ways to learn how to do things better. 
• What if you're still just as worthy and lovable as if you had done it right? Justifying means you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't wrong. Using it as information to move forward and still love yourself just as much is a better overall approach. 
• The founding fathers of our nation were inspired by God, but they still had some beliefs about several groups of humans (who were not straight white men) that were wrong. We don't need to judge them for being wrong, though. They were doing the best they could with what they knew. [Life is much more nuanced] than our [black and white, all or nothing thinking] brains want to believe. 
• What if it's not wrong to be wrong? We all have blind spots and don't know some truths yet. And that's okay. We will continue to learn more if we stay open to different thoughts and we don't quit trying. 
• Putting someone up on a pedestal is problematic because pedestals tend to fall over very easily. 
• When you make peace with yourself and others about doing it wrong roughly half of the time, then you're free to love people unconditionally! You can just drop the judgement and move on. 
• When you come out of the judgement fog, you can realize that it's not wrong to be wrong. It's just human. We are all just good humans trying to figure life out. 
• If you beat yourself up because you think that will teach you or compensate for being wrong, you're just wrong about doing that. 
• Instead, be okay with being wrong. It doesn't serve you or anyone else that was hurt by what you did. It just lets you decide what you will do next. 
• Be willing to always consider that you could be wrong. Ask people to tell you more about why they think about something differently than you. Be open to learning and progressing from that space of humility. 
• When someone criticizes you and you feel the resistance rising up, you can just look at your brain and notice how fascinating it is that you're making it mean that you're wrong (or that there is something wrong with you for being wrong). 
• The best way to decide is to become more still and look closely at who I want to be and what my priorities are. Then decide whether or not something needs to change next time from a space of internal, inspired motivation. 
• We can thank people for their opinion and we can stay open to consider that we may be wrong. As humans, we naturally place people in a narrative and that's okay. 
• I choose to believe in [priesthood authority, keys, and ordinances which are found in] my religion. No one can show me anything that will change that. I could be wrong, but I choose to believe that it's right. It serves me well to believe it. [It's the same with whether my marriage will last for eternity or other important things in my life.] 
• Loosen up your grip on being wrong a little and watch how peaceful your life becomes.

Perfectionism: part 3

            Learning to differentiate between guilt and shame is a really important step in easing the pressure of perfectionism. In his academic journal article, Adams defined guilt as feeling “bad about the behavior they just performed and the behavior only” (69). Whereas, shame “centers on a negative evaluation of the self, not the behavior . . . In addition, shame causes individuals to suppose that others close to them also feel these same levels of anger and disgust toward them” (69). Guilt can include “being overly critical in the self-evaluation of behavior and performance (concern over mistakes) while striving to meet high standards” (65). This can result in “psychological problems . . . Interventions should focus on lowering self-critical thoughts by integrating the religious components of compassion, mercy, and forgiveness” (65). The goal is to help people “alter how they evaluate their mistakes, flaws, and imperfections” (65).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown demonstrated how shame and perfectionism play off each other. She defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

In her article, Toni Bernhard explained that perfectionism is a habit that can be changed with practice and she acknowledged that this may be a lifelong journey for people (Psychology Today). She regards herself as “a work-in-progress on the ‘recovering perfectionist’ scale” (Bernhard). A key method for easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to not compare oneself to others. She explained, “The comparing mindset feeds our perfectionistic tendencies and almost always leads to negative self-judgment” (Bernhard). She added, “Most of us don’t realize that the very people we’re comparing ourselves to are doing the same thing we’re doing – and coming up short in their own eyes” (Bernhard).

Petra Kolber is a famous fitness instructor who learned to transform her drive for perfection into pursuing happiness instead (Halvorson 39). She later developed a program called Perfection Detox to help others do the same (36). She shared some good advice on this topic: “The reason we suffer from insecurity is because we’re comparing our backstory to everybody else’s highlight reel . . . Social media exacerbates this. But we can also change how we look at it” (37). She suggests that it is “possible to see someone’s post and simply think, ‘I’m so happy for them’ without comparing myself to them” (37).

A recent academic journal article discussed how comparison occurs on social media – sometimes without us even knowing it. “Social media-based social comparisons . . . may lead to negative outcomes, particularly as individuals present their most ‘ideal’ selves on social media, therefore inviting upward social comparisons from others” (Sherlock and Wagstaff 483). This can cause unhealthy comparison between reality and the altered reality that is presented. The answer isn’t always to avoid social media altogether, but limiting its use may be helpful – especially if one notices that comparison is causing feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

This is what I decided to do after our daughter and her boyfriend told us she was pregnant in May of last year. Seeing other women posting about the temple marriages and missionary experiences of their children caused me great distress as I was adjusting to this news. So I completely deleted all of my followers on Facebook and Instagram – and I stopped following all of my contacts as well. As I have become more comfortable with the idea of becoming a grandma over the last few months, I have gradually re-added about twenty contacts on Instagram, but I have continued to avoid Facebook. Therefore, mindfulness, or becoming aware in the present moment of internal thoughts and feelings, is one way to change this habit of comparison which contributes to the negative effects of perfectionism (Bernhard).

            I’ve also noticed that women in this Utah County culture have a tendency to compare their worst traits with the best traits they observe in others. This often occurs at social gatherings or at church meetings and activities. If women burdened by the heavy expectations from perfectionism would be open and honest with their struggles, I believe it would allow others to be open and honest with theirs as well. That kind of vulnerability may help lessen the struggles that accompany perfectionism in women. I have experienced that in my own life. When I began telling close friends that my family members no longer believed and then again when our daughter became pregnant, it allowed them to feel comfortable sharing what was not perfect in their family situations as well.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown explained, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Developing self-compassion and being gentle with oneself is another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism. In her article, Jan Devlin gave this advice, “Give yourself the same empathy you’d show to a friend. Be willing to mess up and move on” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Several times in my own therapy sessions over the years, I have been advised to imagine how I would talk with a dear friend who is struggling in the same way I am and practice that type of self-talk. Devlin continued, “If you treated your friends as badly as you sometimes treat yourself, you would not have friends. Acknowledge that you are doing your best and be accepting of your efforts, as well as others” (Wasatch Family Therapy). In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57).