We finally published my book!

 After almost two years of writing, we published it on May 11, 2022. Click here to purchase it. 

I'm grateful for this review:

5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful and refreshingly honest

Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2022

Verified Purchase

This book has life lessons, heart aches, triumphs, and practical application that touches the soul. Thanks to the author for being willing to share.

My Podcast Interview

I listened to this podcast right after I woke up this morning. 

I've been so nervous ever since Tamara asked to interview me right after General Conference. The interview was via Zoom back on October 14th. 

I'm so grateful it wasn't a disaster! That means God was totally involved. So, yay!! 

I'm also grateful to have this small summary of my journey--since my book isn't nearly as easy to get through. Writing is still so hard for me and I'm still such a beginner. 

I've been listening to her book on Audible and I'm seriously so impressed with Tamara's talent--with that and with the podcast. 

I'm really grateful that she reached out to me, so that I could meet her. 

I've gone back to listen to several of her podcasts, and I always feel uplifted. It's a great resource during these COVID-19 times and also as we head into the gray days of winter. 

I hope there will be something helpful in what I say, if you choose to listen to it. 

• Here is the information she sent me this morning:

Your interview is LIVE and will be listened to by the Stories of Hope in Hard Times audience today! That is pretty sweet considering you rocked the interview! 

I will be sharing your podcast on all of my social media accounts—Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Your podcast information will also go out in my newsletter today. 

Thank you for sharing such an amazing story of hope! 

Click this link to listen to your podcast and see your show notes and transcript on my website. 

You can also find it on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuGdoLgmpls 

You can also listen to your show on other podcasting apps and websites: iTunes or Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Soundcloud, YouTube, iHeartRadio, and even at https://resiliencetalk.airtime.pro/#. 

Have an awesome day and enjoy sharing your story of hope! 

Tamara 

Possible Title of Book

I'm still not feeling well, so I rested all day yesterday and didn't write anything. However, my husband suggested that I title the book "Walking with Wendi" afterall. So here is a possible combination of the two titles (actually, a title and subtitle) ~

 Walking with Wendi: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress

 and Other Perspective Shifts of a Recovering Perfectionist

I also emailed 120 friends and relatives about the progress on the book. I hope it will provide more momentum for me to continue writing, rather than putting too much pressure on myself. We shall see... 

Chapter 20: Observe and Serve

* It took me all day to piece this post together. I was very discouraged, but I'm grateful that I was able to push through it.

            Linda K. Burton gave this helpful counsel, “For some, serving or ministering one by one, following the Savior’s example, doesn’t come easily. But with practice, each of us can become more like the Savior as we serve God’s children. To help us better love one another, I would like to suggest four words to remember: ‘First observe, then serve’” (“First Observe, Then Serve,” Ensign, Nov. 2012). I learned a lot about that from the first two homes I was inspired to visit. My first visit was to a woman in her 80s. Her husband died many years ago and she wasn’t able to drive anymore. I had already developed the habit of attending the temple weekly over the previous two years, so I took her to the temple almost every week between September 2013 and November 2015. I really appreciated the opportunity to serve her in that way. 

                The second visit was to a woman about my age. I had communicated with her previously by email, but had never been in her home. During our initial visit, I learned that she, her husband, and their children had many struggles in several areas – physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and social. Her mom lived there too and I ended up visiting them almost every day for over a year. They helped me to develop the confidence I needed to continue visiting many other women. Since I was in their home so often, I learned how to observe what needed to be done and then I would choose one task and try to do it. I don’t have very many talents or skills, but one thing I could do was take out their garbage. So I did that almost every time I went over. I also swept the floor in their front room and did their dishes a few times. I raked up all their leaves once and mowed their lawn another time. Occasionally, I drove my friend to the store and, sometimes, I contributed money to help them buy their groceries. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference overall, but it showed her that I really cared and wanted to help where I could. During that process, I learned the concept of "practice makes better."

                After a few months of visiting them, my friend's mom decided to renew her temple recommend. Then she started attending the temple with me and the other older woman almost every week. After a while, she began working on her family history again. Since she was baptized as a young adult, she was the only member of the church in her extended family. So there was a lot of work to be done and I began helping her with it when we would attend the temple each week. One general lesson I learned from that experience is that, in the beginning, I was probably enabling them to continue in their old habits, even though that wasn't my intention. I also learned that I couldn't fix their problems for them, no matter how hard I tried. However, as I spent more time with them, I started to realize that my friend's mom was becoming stronger because of her time in the temple. She was able to make some improvements in her own life and I believe that started to have a positive effect on others in the home. She was able to take some positive steps once the Lord helped me to get the ball rolling.   

            There is a verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ that provides some additional guidance about how to serve. “…Impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants” (Mosiah 4:26). Two phrases stand out to me in that verse. First, we can’t give what we don’t have. Therefore, it's important to do all we can to build up a surplus of physical energy, spirituality, and financial savings. This occurs gradually like drops in a bucket. Focusing on steadily building up these reserves is helpful in our own lives, but it also allows us to share our blessings with others. If we don’t have financial reserves, we can regularly declutter the excess “stuff” in our lives and donate it to people who need it more than we do. Second, sometimes we don’t think about serving people according to their wants. However, I believe that’s more like the way WE would want to be served. When people begin to feel more comfortable in their difficult circumstances, our love will probably be felt in a much deeper way than if we only focused on the bare minimum need. Conversely, we may attend to someone’s surface wants and discover, in the process, the core need they aren’t broadcasting. When we are in tune spiritually, those needs often become more apparent. 

                Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other … In the Doctrine and Covenants we read about how important it is to '… succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees' (D&C 81:5). So often, our acts of service consist of simple encouragement or of giving mundane help with mundane tasks, but what glorious consequences can flow from mundane acts and from small but deliberate deeds” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974). 

           Jesus "went about doing good" (Acts 10:38) and we can too, in both small and big ways. Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28 gives some additional insight, “…Men (and women) should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them…” There is no greater cause than to reach out in love to others. One of the ways to increase that power is to practice observing the needs around us. M. Russell Ballard explained, “Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands ‘anxiously engaged in a good cause.’… There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference… In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help…. If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible” (“Be Anxiously Engaged,” Ensign, Nov. 2012).

            I once taught a lesson to the women in our church congregation and several phrases stood out to me. “The thoughtful little things of life” add up. “These acts of kindness were not isolated occurrences but part of a lifelong pattern.” When we remember that “God is our Father, and that we are his children, and that all men are brothers and sisters in the same eternal family,” we can pray for a greater “desire to love and bless” those around us. “I think if all men knew and understood who they are, and were aware of the divine source from whence they came, … they would have feelings of kindness... for each other that would change their whole way of living and bring peace on earth” (“Love and Concern for All of God’s Children,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, p. 254). The two great commandments, to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves, build on each other (See Matthew 22:37-40). Learning to love ourselves is part of building up the surplus I was referring to earlier. The more we love God, the easier it is to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we have more confidence and desire to reach out to others in love and kindness.  And we love and serve others, we are showing God how much we love Him.

             Jesus taught us to leave the 99 to go after the one who is in need of spiritual or physical help. It seems to me that we all take turns being the one. We all need saving. We really do need each other. Living these two great commandments and following the Savior’s example of love may seem difficult or overwhelming to us. However, it is really the simplest way to think about the gospel as a whole. I love this picture of loving hands. 

We can wipe a tear, hold a hand, give a pat of encouragement, or lift someone up with our hands. If we are trying to act as hands on earth for Heavenly Father and Jesus to work through, we are truly living the gospel.

Chapter 21: Leaving the Comfort Zone

            When I made the decision to start visiting women, I needed to be willing to leave my comfort zone. Abigail Brenner, M.D. explains some of the “benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone…Taking risks, regardless of their outcome, are growth experiences. Even if you make mistakes or don’t get it right the first time those become experiences you can tap into in the future. There really is no such thing as ‘fail’ if you get something out of the experience. And just so you know, ‘FAIL’ re-framed means ‘First Attempt in Learning.’ Don’t settle for the mediocre just to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s too big a price to pay. Your challenges and risk experiences are cumulative. Every time you try something new, and allow yourself to be open to whatever experience arises, you are learning, and expanding your repertoire of life skills and self-knowledge. As you do this you also expand the size of your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone ultimately helps you to deal with change—and making change in a much better way. Life transitions are all about change. Each time you transition you move to another level. Inevitably, these life transitions transform you” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015).

            The Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Christ is a good example of leaving the comfort zone. “And when the disciples saw (Jesus) walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him” (Matthew 14:26-31).

  

            A missionary in the addiction recovery program gave this picture to me after we went on a walk together. I appreciate how it makes the story more personal for me. We sometimes talk about how Peter lost faith because he focused on the wind and the waves. However, the point I want to emphasize is that Peter had the courage to leave the safety of the boat. He was willing to go outside of his comfort zone… and then he actually took some steps on the water! It doesn’t really matter how many steps he took or that he eventually started to sink. The point is that he tried and succeeded in his attempt.

            Abigail Brenner continues, “It may seem overwhelming to step into the unknown. But instead of thinking of the ‘big picture,’ break down what you want or need to accomplish by making small changes. Small changes accumulate and each builds upon the last. Try to make small changes that take you out of the everyday and familiar, yet are not too emotionally challenging…. My takeaway: I have within myself the ability to make big change. I did it once. I can do it again. You can, too.” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015). This is wise counsel.

            Daring to do something different takes courage. But we can learn to be brave. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, co-wrote a song with Scott Wiley titled “Brave” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). It became my theme song during my visiting journey. I share the lyrics with Hilary’s permission.

There are moments when you feel it and you know

Something amazing is happening within your soul

And nothing can hold back what’s inside you

Let it move you, let it lead your heart

Don’t be afraid to let yourself believe in who you are

‘Cause today you’re gonna be

Brave

You are brave

Let your brave come through

Let it define you

You are meant to be brave

Get your shoes, grab your courage, open the door

You’re about to see a you you’ve never seen before

And Heaven will be there beside you

In the moments when the walls seem away too high

Trust your instincts, breathe, then start to climb

‘Cause you have always been…

Brave when you think you can’t

Strong when you have fallen…

Bold enough to stand and be

Brave…

            I believe we need to give ourselves credit for even the smallest baby step in the right direction. We need to acknowledge the progress we make in all areas of our life, including reaching out to others in love. Then if we make mistakes or feel like we have failed, the Savior will reach down and help us up. We have never truly failed if we continue to get up and try again. When we show our willingness to stretch ourselves, I believe Heavenly Father honors our intentions. As we ask in faith, I believe He gives us opportunities to practice. With His help, we can each do great things…and they usually require us to leave our comfort zone. 

Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”  

Chapter 8: Living Productively with Mental Illness

            I have struggled with depression, some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety (especially in social situations) for most of my life. My clinical diagnosis is Bipolar II Disorder, which is less severe than Bipolar I. It includes depressive episodes, alternating with some mild euphoric episodes called hypomania, along with some periods of relatively stable mood. Depression, whether it’s a from a chemical imbalance or a response to difficult situations, affects every aspect of a person’s life. I often felt like I was figuratively slogging through the mud in a thick fog. It negatively affects the way I feel about myself, my relationships with others, and my connection to God. It distorts my thinking, drains my energy, and shatters my hope. It is so much deeper than a case of the blues and a person can’t just “pull up their bootstraps” or “snap out of it” as some people erroneously believe.

            At several times in my life, I have been desperate for some positive change, but I felt helpless to move forward. With the support of my family, I have worked with psychiatrists who have experience prescribing the right type, combination, and dosage of medication for a chemical imbalance. That process often requires careful observation and adjustments over time. I have simultaneously worked with several psychologists and therapists who have helped teach me tools and skills to cope better with my emotional struggles. That process sometimes requires patience to find a comfortable client-provider fit. A good therapist provides a safe environment to work through struggles with an effective balance of empathy and encouragement. Those two steps are very important, but they are usually just the beginning steps in the journey. They helped me start to climb out of the deep, dark pit that felt so real and all-encompassing and over the initial overwhelming hump. That part of recovery isn’t always well understood, but it is foundational to the process.

            I knew the medication was working within the first few days because I could start functioning again and I felt my real personality beginning to return over the following weeks.  Then I had to work very hard each day to continue to progress. In 2011, the Lord taught me how to change by focusing on one thing at a time – the scriptures use the terms “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30) and “…continued from grace to grace…” (D&C 93:13). I needed to be willing to develop new habits, even if I didn't feel like it or think it was possible. Although it seemed completely counter-intuitive, I was finally able to push through the level of depression and anxiety that was debilitating to a more manageable level after practicing those habits for quite a while. During that time, I had to re-train my brain to think more clearly. I learned to think about my progress in terms of “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing.” I needed to work diligently to overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. It was important to learn how to be gentler with myself, especially when it appeared I had failed. Then I had to learn to rebound every time I fell. I try to never compare myself to others, but only to myself, to make sure I continue to progress as steadily as possible at my own pace. 

            One of the most important things I started doing was to walk to destinations all over town to give me a relatively safe way to practice leaving the house. I continued to spend time walking out in the sun—especially on gray days, when it was difficult to notice the sun. That helped the endorphins to start flowing. The fresh air (and vitamin D) also helps to keep my emotional perspective realistic. In addition, it was really important for me to listen to inspirational and upbeat music. (The songs that helped me the most are by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks.)  Music with positive lyrics helps change my thinking more quickly when I get stuck in a figurative rut and it helps my thoughts to begin spiraling upward, instead of their natural tendency to spiral downward. The final missing link for me was people and I will discuss the importance of that in the next section of my journey.

            In addition to sincere prayer, I asked for priesthood blessings and they have strengthened me along the way. The Savior’s atonement has helped me during every step of this process. I was willing to do the difficult work, but His power made it all happen. My struggles with depression aren’t completely over, but my life is significantly different now than it was a decade ago when I was so depressed and anxious the majority of the time. I want to emphasize that my progress has been a balanced effort with many contributing factors, but the main factor is my willingness to keep moving my feet. I continued to take small steps in various areas of my life and gradually built more productive habits. I have made slow, but relatively steady, progress. There have been many challenges along the way and there will continue to be more in the future. However, I’m confident that as I continue to apply these principles, I won’t be defeated.

Chapter 7: Opposition in All Things

* I need to get ready for an appointment and this is all I have written so far for this chapter. I'm posting it anyway to keep my momentum going. (I returned to add more content on July 19, 2020.)

            Opposition will absolutely happen in this life. It is one thing we can definitely count on. We can fight against that reality or we can relax into it. We can choose to not be surprised by opposition and try to learn from it. Orson F. Whitney explained, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98). I’m grateful for the comfort that quote has given me over the years.

            There is an often-quoted verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ about opposition. “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad…” (2 Nephi 2:11). So life as a human is a 50/50 experience. Roughly half will be good and the other half will be uncomfortable in some way. When the opposition comes, we can remind ourselves that it’s part of life and nothing has actually gone permanently wrong. We layer additional suffering when we spend our time wondering why this had to happen or how unfair it is that it happened to us. One of the ways this opposition occurs is in our family relationships. Parents and children often provide built-in opposition for each other. Our homes and families are like laboratories for learning and sometimes there are explosions in laboratories. When the “explosions” happen, it alerts us that an adjustment is needed. We can learn to notice our thoughts and feelings in those moments. We can choose to focus on the ones that serve us best in creating an improved situation. Since the purpose is learning, it is okay to try again (and again) to improve. This opposition can act as a catalyst to turn our hearts to the Savior.

            James E. Faust gives us some additional perspective. “A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures.... Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance.... The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted. The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining.” (“Refined in OurTrials,” Ensign, Feb. 2006, pp. 2-7).

            We often emerge from a difficult experience with greater empathy. This helps us understand and have more capacity to help when other people experience their own trials. Opposition also provides contrast and may help us enjoy the times of peace and respite in between each trial more than we would otherwise. We can prepare for future trials by filling our souls drop by drop with Living Water and peace, so that we won’t be found parched and empty when the next trial hits us. And it will.

Self-coaching reminders about feelings

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.)

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

I've learned that I'm not a fan of "feeling my feelings." That has been the most difficult part of coaching so far. However, I am understanding the importance of this part of the process more and more. 

This is the middle part of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

This Spark is a short way to remind myself that I need to notice my thoughts and then FEEL my feelings.

I'm learning that being willing to be vulnerable and honest about the things I don't like about myself brings them out into the light. From shame to acceptance. That's when change and growth can finally happen. Cracking open hurts, but that's when healing can begin. 

The background of this Spark is the lock screen wallpaper from my old Android phone. 

It reminds me of the Tree of Life with Living Water flowing from it. (Both are powerful symbols to me of Jesus Christ.) The only way I can truly change is through His grace.  

"Opposite action" (which basically means "feel the fear and do it anyway") is something I worked on a lot prior to the pandemic. Staying home 98% of the time over the past 3.5 months has made that more difficult for me. I won't give up though!

 This is the right side of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

I'm learning that I have a tendency to absorb the stress of other people. (That's the tricky balance with empathy.) I'm working on understanding my own thoughts and feelings, so I can choose the way I want to think and feel, which returns the emotional power back to me. 

This beautiful scene is somewhere in Colorado. 

There will always be emotional pain in life. We can choose to layer it with more negative emotion or we can learn to cope with it in ways that lead to peace. 

Truth is truth, whether it's found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I'm so grateful for powerful, life-changing thoughts that will gradually become my own with practice. 

Self-coaching reminders about thoughts

I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.) 

This is Lake Tekapo in New Zealand. 

I've never been there, but it just looked so peaceful to me. Plus, I love purple flowers. 

This is Crested Butte, Colorado. 

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

Therefore, whatever result I'm experiencing in life always references back to the thought. Thoughts are optional because we can learn to choose however we want to think about any circumstance. 

Actions are either something I am or am NOT doing because of my thoughts and feelings about a circumstance. Therefore, INACTION is still an action. 

Here are two more ways to describe a thought. 

Do you remember this example from psychology class? 

At first, you may only see a young woman or an old woman. But if you focus on seeing something different, eventually the other woman appears. After that, it's not difficult to notice both at the same time. 

I have heard this called a paradigm shift and it's the shift I'm trying to focus on with my thinking. 

This is another perception example from psychology class. 

Because of agency and "opposition in all things" there are always at least two opposing thoughts in each situation that can both seem true. The trick is to choose the one that best serves you in the life you want to have. I'm looking forward to the day when that becomes more automatic for me.

This is the only way to safely bring thoughts into the light for examination. 

This is Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.  

(I created this from a panoramic photo I found, so it's the left side of the picture. 

The other two parts of the picture are used in the following post about feelings.)

I'm slowly learning to apply these new ways of thinking in my life. It takes a lot of practice. 

Mourn WITH those that mourn

Back in 2015, I was asked to give a presentation to a group of women about my experiences with reaching out to others in love. Recently, I have felt like I should post that presentation on this blog in a series of posts (like I did in the previous posts with my research paper on perfectionism).

I gave the presentation again to two more groups of women in 2016 and 2017. Each time, I had learned a little more about the topic. However, I wish I could have shown them this video. This is such an important lesson that I need to continue to practice.

I watched this Hope Works video for the first time this morning. It is just under 12 minutes and is well worth your time.



Here is the description underneath the video on YouTube:

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to support someone but you didn’t know how? Have you tried to “solve” or “fix” the situation? Life’s challenges are ongoing and may not have a simple fix. What is often needed is someone to mourn with. 

Sheldon provides excellent tips for mourning with people. The difference between mourning with someone and mourning for someone is that with implies a journey. You walk a path alongside them. There are times to sit with someone, listen to them, and validate what they are feeling rather than give advice or resources. It’s more helpful to mourn with than for someone. 

Timing matters. If someone shares a vulnerability, it can be healing to have you actively listen. Genuinely try to connect with them. In fact, thank them for telling you, and acknowledge that you do not know what to say. 

Tone matters. Genuinely try to connect with how they are feeling. Human relationships should not be mechanical. When someone opens up, they might already know of a solution but fear carrying it out. 

Complex problems, challenges, and trials require time. So give people time. You’re the resource. You can help them come to the ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. Whatever your sphere of influence, you can mourn with, walk with, cry with, wait with, listen with, and not simply mourn for those around you.

Has someone mourned with you?

Perfectionism: conclusion

            Two related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are not judging oneself against impossible standards and not trying to do things in order to impress others. Devlin advised, “Become free as you stop holding yourself to insanely high standards . . . Instead of people feeling that they are on display and trying to achieve an unobtainable ideal, it is time for women to be who they really are” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Petra Kolber gave some advice about physical fitness that provided a good example of this. “If what you do personally . . . brings you joy, don’t change a thing. But if your diet is so restrictive, if your workouts are so intense, that every moment you are worrying” about your appearance, then you are missing the point (Halvorson 37). “If you ease up a little bit, you will . . . experience more joy because you will be able to connect on a deeper level” with other people “who struggle—because we connect through our cracks” (37).

            Two other key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are practicing courage by leaning into the discomfort of being imperfect and not taking oneself so seriously by learning to laugh more. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1). Dr. Brown explained that shame only works if it’s kept in secret (Devlin) and she described how to shed light on shame: “If you experience the continual thought saying, ‘I can’t believe I could be so stupid,’ talk about it. Call a friend, talk to your spouse, and let others hear what is pestering you inside. This courageous act will provide relief and can often end in laughter” (Devlin).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            Finally, one of the most powerful keys to easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to overcome the fear of failure by just being willing to try new things without harsh self-judgement. In her speech, Professor Cassy Budd, explained that her experiences gave her:

. . . a deep appreciation for the value of the “try.” Simply showing up and starting where you are is all that can be asked of you. Regardless of your level of experience, your failures, or your perception of your own potential, wherever you are in life, you just need to show up and try. Try . . . to ignore the negative self-talk when your movements do not measure up, and try to focus on the joy in the learning instead of the defeat in the failure. And amidst your “try,” recognize that others around you are in the middle of their own “try.” Celebrate their progress, even when they seem to be farther along than you, and give them a pass when they fall short. (14 Feb. 2017)

            Professor Budd compared making mistakes while playing the piano with making mistakes in life. “When you allow yourself to be paralyzed by your mistakes, you diminish your ability to be useful . . . Making mistakes is simply part of the human condition and can be one of your most productive learning tools. Yes, you need to recognize your mistakes. But more than that, you need to find a way to effectively play through them” (14 Feb. 2017).

            As I mentioned briefly in the introduction, one area where perfectionism has caused me great distress is when I am required to write papers for my classes in school. I usually have a few semi-nervous breakdowns during the process of researching and especially in the first stages of writing. When I was a junior in high school, I failed an entire semester of English because I couldn't ever figure out how to successfully push through that process. I just froze and couldn't function. It's the only failing grade I ever received in school. As I have matured and developed better coping skills in college, I have gradually improved in this area. Because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I have continued to agonize for days and weeks over the papers I’ve been required to write, but there have been fewer breakdowns and I’ve recovered more quickly. I’m grateful to report that the two semi-breakdowns I’ve had while writing this paper have ended in a breakthrough. I chose to apply the methods I’ve learned in my research for this paper to actually ease the pressure I’ve felt as I have written. Because of that, I have been able to finish writing this paper much sooner than expected and with much better mental health.

            As with other personality traits, perfectionism can be either adaptive or maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionists set high goals and strive to reach them in positive and healthy ways. Maladaptive or toxic perfectionists set goals and have expectations of themselves that are much too high, which can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. There are many ways a person can ease the pressure caused by perfectionism in their lives. These include learning to not compare oneself to others, developing self-compassion, and learning to adjust expectations and goals to a more realistic level. It may take a lifetime of practice to overcome perfectionistic tendencies, but every effort is worth it because progress never requires perfection.