Facebook Live for Hilary Weeks' "Live All In" program

Now and Then

 

John and Wendi (April 2021)

Me and Hilary (Autumntide with Emily Freeman in fall 2017;
ward Christmas party and concert in 2016; lunch date with Kenzie in summer 2014)

Benefit concert in Hilary's previous home in August 2012

Unexpected invitation and God's timing

Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon. 

• I explained in my reply: 

We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.

• This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email: 

"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"

• I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:

I am so glad you accepted. As I was praying about who I should invite to be on the podcast yesterday, I felt I was supposed to invite you…so, God is in the details. I can’t wait for next week.

• This is the reply I just sent:

Thanks, Tamara. I believe in prayer and God's timing. I'm continuing to learn how timing is an important detail ("tender mercy") when our prayers are answered. It helps us know He is aware of us in a more intimate way. 

I wrote several long "thought downloads" to my life coach beginning on Saturday (before General Conference) and ending Wednesday evening. The combination of ten hours of General Conference, lots of prayer, and emptying out my brain like that are the reasons I finally pulled out of my depression. I had to put away my book on September 17th after several revisions of parts 1-3 because it was just making the situation worse. 

I had the chance to walk and talk with two dear friends on the Friday before and the Monday after General Conference. I hadn't seen either of them during the previous weeks of depression. Then my younger sister "just happened" to drive here from Colorado a day earlier than planned on Wednesday night and we walked and talked yesterday morning. 

She is my only sister and is one of my dearest friends. She understands and loves me completely, even though she knows all the less than positive things about me and my life. I read the thought download emails to her toward the end of our walk. As she was leaving, she said that she thinks I didn't have a mental block or a "nervous breakdown" over my book--she thinks there is just more of my journey that will need to be included before I can finish it. I had never thought of it that way and it gave me hope. Writing is very difficult for me and it doesn't come naturally. It helped me to not feel like I failed at something I worked so hard on after all. 

After listening to a couple of your podcast episodes, I decided to post those thought downloads on my blog today. 

Your invitation came at precisely the right time. God prepared me to be able to say yes--and gave me time to be introspective, which may help us talk about what most needs to be said for your listeners during the interview. I will continue to be prayerful between now and then.

***

One other side note: Tamara is the cousin-in-law of my good friend. My friend, her children, brother, and parents have all helped me with many temple ordinances. I am so grateful to her and them. She sent me this text on July 2nd: 

"I was just talking to my cousin's wife who does a podcast on having hope during hard times. She asked if I had anyone I thought she should interview and I sent her your number because I think you are amazing and articulate. So if you hear from Tamara Anderson it's my fault."

My friend is a BYU English professor, so that is high praise coming from someone who is as amazing and articulate as she is. 

I thought Tamara would never contact me and I hadn't thought of it since that text. So, here we are a little over three months later. 

God's timing. I'm so grateful for how he orchestrates so much behind the scenes to bless each of us. 

More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)

• Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):

My emotions have been all over the place since our last coaching session. Last night, I wanted to send an email and tell you I was quitting again. I'm so grateful that I didn't. I will try to share what has happened. I just wrote it all in my purple notebook. 

As I mentioned before, I stopped following Jody Moore (and also my friend who has recently become a life coach) on Instagram and unsubscribed from their podcasts on Saturday evening during the General Women's Meeting. I was so sad about it. But now I understand why. 

After praying this morning (which I have rarely done consistently), I stopped following Hilary Weeks, Emily Freeman, David Butler, and "Don't Miss This" study on Instagram. Instead, I started following four accounts that focus more regularly on Come Follow Me, General Conference, and beautiful art in connection with them. I realized that they (and Kenneth Cope and Brad Wilcox) are all extroverts and are very popular. Plus, I realized that when I follow them and interact with them, I feel like I am inferior and not contributing to the world in a positive way. 

I cried on Sunday evening after my husband did the sacrament for me (because I thought it would help me feel less empty after Conference), but it just made me feel more sad that I couldn't talk about it with anyone in my family. I accidentally mentioned that there would be a temple built in Lindon too, which was definitely the wrong thing to say to our son. 

I cried so much yesterday morning also. It ended up being the day off of our grandson's dad, so he watched our grandson—and I didn't have anything constructive to wake up to. I just can't figure out what to focus on. So I sit and spin my wheels—while trying to pray for direction. I texted my friend (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #1) that I was too depressed to come and wouldn't be good company. She didn't want to pressure me, but felt like I should still come if I could. So we switched the time to noon, instead of two, and I forced myself to drive over there. 

We walked for awhile and then sat under some trees and talked before walking back to her house. She also agreed that I had a "perfect storm" of circumstances that was very difficult—especially since no friends were around to support me during the past month (except for my ministering sister a couple of times). She thought that maybe a reason I'm not getting answers or feeling inspired to do anything more is that I need to prioritize rest—since I've been so exhausted. She reminded me that my MS keeping me up at night, my depression, and also my early mornings with our grandson could all be taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I thought that laying in bed was depression and reverting to my old ways, but she thinks it has been wise self care. My husband actually agrees. 

I forced myself to do the rowing machine for a few minutes in my husband's office after I returned home. I'm still trying to get the $340 refund from our marriage therapy, trying to decide whether to change treatments for MS (my neurologist wants me to try a ten-day pill solution, instead of an infusion), and trying to decide on a new individual therapist (two have responded and they seem much more user friendly than our previous office). I'm nervous about the side effects of changing medications and also don't want to start more therapy until I'm done with coaching and until my deductible is met (hopefully in early November). MS treatments cost $40K, so patients' assistance helps pay for them and meets our deductible—I feel like that's the only way I can contribute in a positive way to the family's finances. 

My husband also clarified that he doesn't mind if I work on my book or family history or organizing my closet—as long as I don't focus solely on one activity to the exclusion of all others (he calls them mono-activities). That is so difficult for me (with the combination of a slow warm up to activities because of depression and then hyperfocus because of obsessive compulsive tendencies and hypomania) because I'm afraid it will disappear when the next wave of depression hits. That's what happened with my book. 

Yesterday evening, I watched 1.5 videos from that organization program I bought because I couldn't focus on actually doing something. (She is the one I had the complimentary call with that inspired me to start writing my book.) She taught "the self-coaching model" in the first video. She explained that a way to process emotion is to try to describe what is happening to an alien, who has no idea what human emotion feels like. That was a different way of thinking about it, but I don't know if it will help. As you know, that's the part that I've never been able to figure out. I started crying again because it all felt so futile. 

I decided to "give up" and go to bed early again. I continued to listen to "Grace Where You Are" by Emily Freeman, but that seemed to make my tears worse. I know that I have a really good life. I don't have struggles like the pioneers or people who have cancer or are blind, but sometimes my emotional instability is more than I feel that I can handle. My husband was very sweet and he just sat by me last night as I kept having waves of tears. (He reminded me that this has happened before and it will pass like it always does. It's almost impossible for me to remember that in the darkness of that moment, though.) 

My husband also said that I make him feel good because I always believe he can do more than he can do and it encourages him to do more than he normally would be able to. I'm grateful that there is something I'm doing right in our relationship. He wants me to practice focusing on my divine worth to Jesus, since that's what I believe. That works well when I'm feeling healthy, but I get very upset with myself during times like this when I'm floundering. He says that's exactly when I need to practice it, so I will keep trying. 

Today, when I was watching our grandson, I cleared some of the excess clutter out of his play pen (sometimes we give him empty bottles and other "garbage" to play with because he loves them so much more than toys). In that moment, I realized that I need to continue clearing out anything that makes me feel like I don't measure up. I'm not cool and stylish like Jody Moore and Hilary Weeks. 

I don't have the ability to make any money like my life coach or them. But I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to be productive or influential to be valuable; I just need to be the best me that I can each day. I need to love and give in ways that I am able to on that day—not any other day and not like other people do. As I uncover who I really am through more simplicity, I will be able to love myself more and more. I know that was the Spirit speaking because I'm not confident enough to just write that normally. 

So I thought I should share it with my coach also. I'm nervous about our final sessions. I want them to be productive and I want to follow my coach's counsel. I know I was led to her, but I just don't know why—since I haven't been able to figure out my thoughts and feelings very well.

The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)

• I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog): 

I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up. 

Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th. 

That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away). 

During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book. Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point. 

In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft. She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support. 

I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017). 

On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson. 

I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her. My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also. 

As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in. 

I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck. 

I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November. So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.

Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning (part 2)

 

          I actively avoided taking any math or English classes during my first two semesters, but I couldn’t put them off much longer. I finally felt brave enough to register for Math 990 during Summer semester 2016. This was an expensive four credit class (which was required, since I hadn’t taken any math classes since 1989 in high school). However, it was only a prerequisite and didn’t count toward any degree. So several academic advisors recommended that I take a $45 class called Math Leap instead. I took another “leap of faith” and dropped the math class, but the advisor over Math Leap explained that I could even pay a little less by purchasing a personal copy of the ALEKS program to work on at home. (I volunteered to take notes in Sociology class for a student who had those accommodations and I ended up getting paid $50, which offset the cost!) ALEKS is an acronym for Assessment and Learning in Knowledge Spaces. It’s an online tutoring and assessment program that intuitively focuses on what you need help with the most, while skipping skills you’ve already mastered. I diligently worked through math problems each day for over seven weeks. I was nervous to take the test, but I finally did at the end of June. I scored 36, which placed me in Math 1010, but I didn’t want to settle for the general math class. I decided to continue studying and took the test again on July 5^th. That time, I scored 55, which placed me in Math 1040 (Introduction to Statistics - the math class suggested for Behavioral Science majors). I was so proud of myself for sticking with it and was asked to be in a testimonial video for ALEKS later that semester. 

            Meanwhile, my therapist and psychiatrist recommended that I apply for a grant from a government program called Vocational Rehabilitation. It forced me out of my comfort zone to meet with the counselor there, but I’m grateful I did. No scholarships are available for summer semester and Voc. Rehab. just happened to have a surplus around that same time, so they made a one-time payment of $1,525 to cover the tuition for my other two classes. One of those classes was Introduction to Film and I took it online with our daughter to fulfill our fine arts requirement. We watched several movies together and had to write papers on a few of them, but it ended up being relatively fun. The other class was English 1010 and it was not fun at all. I took it during first block of Summer semester, which meant the schedule was condensed and accelerated. I was required to write five short papers and five long papers in seven weeks. The stress from that caused an MS relapse and I ended up having to wear a knee brace over my jeans for an entire year after that. However, one paper was a review, so that gave my husband and I a chance to revisit the Springville Museum of Art, which is where my bridal pictures were taken back in 1995. I chose to write the final paper on a religious topic and I had several insightful conversations with my teacher about it, so those two experiences made it feel worthwhile.

            I qualified for a $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center for the Fall 2016 semester. I applied that toward Introduction to Statistics and Contemporary Families (which fulfilled my Global Intercultural requirement ). I volunteered to take notes in Statistics class for another student with those accommodations and received $50 again, so that helped pay for one of the textbooks. Taking notes for someone else required me to pay closer attention than I may have normally, so I probably owe my A- to that, because I didn’t really understand very much of it. In Contemporary Families class, we were divided into groups of five students, who became our family for the semester. I grew close to them during our time together and even invited them to our home for dinner and a hike up the hill behind the cemetery as our final activity. We sat and talked as we watched the sunset, which I really enjoyed. I kept in touch with two of the female students for awhile after that and was grateful for the chance to get to know them better outside of class.

            We decided to build our new home with a functional main level during Fall semester, since my leg still hadn’t recovered from the MS relapse. That meant we would be moving in the middle of Spring 2017 semester, so I decided to take both of my classes online, instead of having the added stress of traveling to and from campus. I qualified for another $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center and applied that toward my two online classes during Spring semester. One was Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences, which is the only upper division class I’ve ever taken. I wanted to ride the momentum from ALEKS and Introduction to Stats, since this would be the last math class I would have to take for my entire degree. The textbook was online and was written by the professor who taught the class. During the first week of class, he offered $100 cash to any student who was good at proofreading. So I told him I would volunteer if no one else did and I started to make some notes for possible corrections as I went along. I assumed someone else was actually doing it, so I didn’t feel pressure, but he told me later that I was the only one. He invited me to his office, so he could pay me, after I took the first test in the testing center. It was really nice to meet him in person, since his videos were very helpful and I knew his voice so well from watching them. It ended up being much more difficult to proofread after chapter eight, partially because of the difficulty of the material and also because we were packing and preparing to move. I told him I could return the $100 bill, but he said I had earned that and more already. I appreciated the way he graciously allowed me out of “the contract.”

            The other online class I took during Spring 2017 semester was Stress Management with a focus on Hardiness. That was the perfect class to provide therapy for the stress I felt while packing, moving, and unpacking during the semester. Since it worked so well the previous year, our daughter and I took Introduction to Meteorology online for Summer 2017 semester. It wasn’t nearly as fun as the film class, but I have always loved looking at the different types of clouds as I’ve walked. So learning about each type and being able to name them when I saw them in the sky made it worthwhile for me. Our daughter didn’t like anything about the class, but at least it met the requirement for one of our two physical science classes.  

            Unexpected changed occurred during Fall semester 2017. I registered for Positive Psychology (which was taught by my previous Intro. to Sociology teacher) and Interpersonal Relationship Skills. I was feeling discouraged going into the semester, so I felt like these classes were perfectly timed. In Positive Psychology, we learned about positive affirmations and our first assignment was to write five affirmations on index cards. Since I was feeling so discouraged, I decided to make four extra sets of them and used a black marker so they would stand out. I focused specifically on areas where I wanted to improve. The first set included: I am enough, I am capable, I make a difference in my family, I assume the best, I forgive myself and others. The second set included: I am resilient, I am brave, I am calm and confident, I am stronger because of every “failure” or mistake, I focus on “small or something.” The third set included: I have good ideas, I make good decisions, I have my own opinions, I am a successful student, I know and respect my limits. The fourth set included: I am grateful, I stay in the present, I look for the everyday miracles surrounding me, I have eternal perspective, I am making progress. The fifth set included: I am anchored by faith, hope, and love; I am saved through Christ’s grace, I have faith that God keeps his promises, I walk to show God that I love my legs; I triumph daily over depression, anxiety, and MS.  

            I also made cards with other motivational quotes and thoughts on them. They included: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass), “Let go and let God,” God works through me to bless others, “Things will work out” (Gordon B. Hinckley), and “Gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” In addition, I made a card with three common thinking errors that I easily fall into. It read, Avoid “all or nothing” / “always or never” / “should.” Our second assignment was to listen to a YouTube recording of  “The Strangest Secret in the World” by Earl Nightingale. This is a summary of the recording, “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” I also simplified it and made three more index cards: “Success is the progressive realization of a worth ideal;” We become what we think about; Believe and succeed. I carried all 35 of these index cards in a Ziploc bag inside my binder. I took them out and read through them three times each day. My goal was very general. I just wanted to live a more balanced life – by focusing on emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. So I began our third assignment, which was a 30-day challenge, with that goal in mind. We weren't supposed to plan how it would happen. We were just supposed to put all our faith and emotional energy into living positively and the way to achieve our goal would be opened to us.

            I sent the following email to my teacher on Saturday evening, which was September 2, 2017 (just a week into this process.) “You know how I'm putting all my positive thoughts into living a balanced life? My husband and I were talking this evening about how we're still having some big obstacles in our marriage. It had never occurred to me that my going to college is one of them. But he keeps saying that I ‘go away’ emotionally each semester and the breaks in between aren't long enough to recover the ground we've lost. I have noticed that he's right and I've tried not to, but school is stressful and I can only concentrate on a few things at a time in life before my brain feels like it's going to explode. Well, a definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ This evening, it hit me all of a sudden that I need to not do school anymore. As soon as I had this thought, I stopped crying and felt total peace. That was the total opposite solution that I thought I would come to! John didn't suggest it and I didn't feel pressured into it. It just suddenly became crystal clear to me. My scholarship appeal was approved yesterday, so it isn't because I'm feeling pressured or overwhelmed. In fact, I couldn't be in a better mindset to succeed. So I think I have now found my answer that will lead to a balanced life. I have the materials we were going to study this semester and I plan to continue keeping the gratitude journal and reviewing my affirmation cards. However, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences of the past six years and I kept saying that I would when I finish with college – in five years. But I think this is the time. I really want to drop my two classes now, but I'm going to sleep on it. I don't want to make a mistake, but I really feel like this is the path I should take. So let me know what you think. However, if I still feel strongly about it tomorrow, I think I'm just going to act, since the drop deadline is Tuesday. If this is my answer, then you can consider this my preview essay for the 30-day challenge. Wow! I had no idea it would really work! And I'm only a week into the challenge!”

            My teacher supported me in my decision and I met her on Tuesday to talk more about it on campus. I also met with my academic advisor, who had then become a good friend. She helped me fill out the paper work to withdraw completely from school. Then I went around and thanked a few of my teachers in the family studies department before heading home. When I arrived home, I started to panic a little bit because now the pressure was on to improve my marriage and write the book. I remembered that my friend saw a therapist with her husband, so I looked up the website. I called to explain our situation and they recommended a therapist. When I saw her picture on the website, I knew she was the right one. I ended up meeting with her five times on my own and five additional times with John. We were making good progress when she told me her husband had joined the military and they would be moving to Las Vegas. I decided to stop seeing her professionally and asked if I could meet her a couple more times in a casual setting before they moved. She talked with her supervisor and made the exception. So we met once at Café Rio. Then she met me two other times with her two little boys, once at the park and once at Chick-fil-A, so they could play while we talked. I’m grateful for the progress John and I made during those three months of therapy.

            During that time, I also tried to start writing this book. However, I could never decide how to organize it and moving forward with the writing just felt too overwhelming. So I decided to just try to write it as a personal history, but that ended up becoming family history in January 2018 – which became a whole other part of my journey. (I write about that in chapter 32.) Meanwhile, I also discovered a couple of life coaches online. Brooke Castillo started The Life Coach School and Jody Moore was trained by her. Jody is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coaches with those values. I listened to several free webinars, poured through information on their websites, and took copious notes. I even thought I might want to become a life coach, but then I felt prompted to return to college and finish my associate degree instead. It felt ridiculous to head in that direction again, but I know better than to second-guess those strong promptings.

            I registered for Summer 2018 semester at UVU and took Introduction to Geology, which fulfilled my second and final physical science requirement. My classroom was in the Pope Science building right next to the opening where the large pendulum swings. There are also several cases filled with different types of rocks in that area of the building, which were fascinating to look at before and after class. I volunteered to take notes for another student who had those accommodations, so that helped me to focus much more closely than I probably would have otherwise (and I earned another $50, which helped pay for my textbook). The teacher had some conflicts toward the end of the semester, so we were given the option to write a final paper or study the slides for the last few chapters on our own and take the final exam in the testing center. I opted for the latter. By that time, I learned how to take notes from the slides in a way that was helpful for my brain to remember them.

            The last chapter was on evolution and it was a little unsettling to me. So I read a lot of extra information and decided that I fall into the camp of “evolutionary creationism,” which means I believe God uses a type of evolution within His creation process. To me, that is basically a loose definition of eternal progression, which I write about in the final chapter of this book. I also realized that I lean more toward Christian universalism in my spiritual beliefs, while still staying true to my core beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe “everyone wins” in God’s plan because we all basically decide where we will end up in eternity and how comfortable we will be there by our choices and actions in this life. That strengthened my belief in the importance of agency, along with the reality of God’s unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

            During the Fall 2018 semester I took Nutrition through the Lifecycle (to fulfill my Biology requirement) and Introduction to Social Work. That was the first year of teaching for my nutrition teacher and I really enjoyed her casual and helpful approach. I sat by a female student in both classes that I became friends with and I met them outside of class several times to study for tests. That made the semester much more enjoyable. I also became friends with a recovered heroin user in my social work class. She returned to college after having a baby and cleaning up her life. I was impressed with her authenticity, her dedication to making good choices, and her courage in achieving her goals.

            We were each required to participate in 20 service hours outside of social work class, which was the most difficult part of the semester for me. I decided to volunteer with the English conversation club. So I met a Chinese woman several times on campus and once at her home to help her practice speaking English. I enjoyed getting to know her in the process. I also joined a Spanish woman in her English class a few times to help her with the vocabulary, exercises, and activities in her workbook. She knew very little English, but it was fun trying to figure out how to communicate with body language and also a little help from Google Translate. I still needed several more volunteer hours, so I contacted a woman in our previous ward who taught fourth grade at Westmore Elementary. She agreed to let me help two boys who needed additional practice with math and reading skills. I took them out in the hall and tutored them there. I became extra close with one of the boys and she asked me to focus all my attention on him during the last few visits. An interesting side note is that I attended Westmore Elementary for first, second, and third grade between 1978 and 1981. It was a very old building then and has since been remodeled. I’m grateful for the chance I had to try to make a difference in the lives of those two women and that boy.

            I was really nervous about taking Ethics and Values, so I took that class by itself during Spring 2019 semester. I had previously dropped that class within the first week during several other semesters because I just didn’t feel good about the teacher or syllabus. So I knew I needed to make it work this time. This teacher was head of the Philosophy department and Director of the Center for Ethics at the university, so he treated it like an upper division class. That made it easier in a way, but also more stressful in other ways. The only assignments during the entire semester were a midterm exam, a research paper, a group debate, and a final exam (which ended up being several essay answers submitted from home). Ever since I was a teenager, I have appreciated this quote by Plato, “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.” I was grateful to learn about Socrates and Plato because I knew very little about them before taking the class. In fact, I chose to write my research paper about them. I decided to compare and contrast Socrates and Plato with Jesus and Paul. It was an extremely broad, but very fascinating topic for me. I was paired with a difficult student for the group debate, but the preparation taught me a lot about patience. I also learned how to prepare a power point presentation for the first time and presenting in front of the class helped me face some of my fears. I learned to look at ideas from different perspectives as I listened to the professor’s lectures, participated in the class discussions, and attended campus events on religion and sexual orientation for extra credit. I also appreciated talking with the professor occasionally after class.

            I decided to take my remaining three classes at the Institute of Religion to earn my diploma over the summer. So my last semester at UVU occurred during Fall 2019. Because I was only able to transfer 7.66 credits from my previous college experiences in 1990 and 1992, I was required to take an extra one credit class in order to meet the minimum requirement of 60 credits for an associate degree. If I wanted an associate degree in Behavioral Science, I would need to take Social/Cultural Anthropology, which was a three credit class and is another one I had dropped several times during the first week in previous semesters. My other option was an online Library Research class, which was one credit. Neither felt like good options, but I chose Library Research and downgraded my associate degree to a basic University Studies degree. The other class I had been putting off was English 2010. So I finally took the darn intermediate writing class. The two main assignments were a personal dilemma paper and a research paper with annotated bibliography. So my online Library Research class ended up being the perfect class to take with it, since the main assignment was an annotated bibliography. I decided to write my paper on how to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women. So I worked on half of the annotated bibliography for that topic in Library Research and finished the requirements for that class about a month early. During that time, I wrote and submitted both drafts of the personal dilemma paper in English. That left the rest of the semester to focus on finishing the annotated bibliography and writing the research paper. I had a couple of mini-nervous breakdowns, but ended up with a paper I was proud of. I appreciated my professor’s kindness and helpful feedback during the entire writing process. She was the exact teacher I needed for that class. We had different views about religion, but she was very respectful and I learned a lot from her.  I turned in the final paper a couple weeks before the semester was over and her only feedback was that I should put it up on a blog so others could read it. I eventually followed that counsel and it has been the perfect accountability tool for finally writing this book. I ended up with 60.66 credits and an associate degree – with high honors. I believe each class and each teacher taught me valuable life lessons and I will always be grateful for the entire experience.

Chapter 32: Family History Fun (part 3)

 

            I was asked to give a second presentation to the youth on the blessings of family history and temple work on December 30, 2018. In that presentation, I repeated what I already shared above. I also brought one of my white 2” binders to show them how I keep these ancestors in my thoughts. When I print out the cards, I print out an extra page and put it in a page protector. Then I can write down how I’m related to them or comments that I have about my temple experiences with them. And my favorite part is when I can staple the completed card back into that binder. It helps them to feel more real to me and it reminds me that each card represents an actual person, a child of God just like us. During a sealing session earlier that month, I looked into the mirrors on each side of that beautiful room and pondered what I would share with the youth. Gerrit W. Gong gave voice to my thoughts,  “Together the temple mirrors reflect back and forth images that stretch seemingly into eternity” (“Temple Mirrors of Eternity: A Testimony of Family,” Ensign, Nov. 2010). Quentin L Cook explained, “These reflected images help us contemplate parents, grandparents, and all previous generations. They help us recognize the sacred covenants that connect us to all generations that follow” (“See Yourself in the Temple,” Ensign, May 2016).

            David A. Bednar taught, “As members of Christ’s restored Church, we have the covenant responsibility to search out our ancestors and provide for them the saving ordinances of the gospel. ‘For their salvation is necessary and essential to our salvation, as Paul says concerning the fathers—that they without us cannot be made perfect—neither can we without our dead be made perfect.’ (Doctrine and Covenants 128:15). For these reasons we do family history research, build temples, and perform vicarious ordinances” (“The Hearts of the Children Shall Turn,” Ensign, Nov. 2011). Joseph Smith taught, “Herein is the chain that binds the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, which fulfills the mission of Elijah” (“Becoming Saviors on Mount Zion,” Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, 473). Quentin L. Cook explained, “The combination of increased numbers of temples and advanced technology to fulfill our sacred family history responsibilities for our ancestors makes this the most blessed time in all history. You are literally among the prophesied saviors on Mount Zion” (“See Yourself in the Temple,” Ensign, May 2016). In other words, as we perform vicarious ordinances for our ancestors, we do something for them that they cannot do for themselves. This is symbolic of the way our Savior saved each of us from sin and death through His atoning sacrifice, which is something none of us could do for ourselves. It is the way He allows us to help in His work of salvation for each child of God. I’m so grateful for this opportunity we’ve been given to serve others in such an important way.

            One evening in February 2019, I was sitting in the baptistry waiting for some ordinances to be completed. I normally tried not to stay at the temple into the evenings because it detracted from family time at home. However, this time I felt prompted to stay and I texted my husband to let him know that I would be home as soon as I could. I then went out to the desk to ask for more blue and pink papers to attach to each set of five male and female cards for baptisms and confirmations. The man at the desk noticed that my family names were from the Netherlands and asked if any were from Germany. I replied that one family line married into a German line. He just happened be a professor at BYU who specialized in family history with an emphasis in Germanic names. He asked if I would be able to share some with him and several students who were planning to participate in a “German night” at the baptistry. He explained that on the evening of April 3rd, all the ordinances would be performed in German for ancestors from Germany. I agreed to try to find some names for them. So I spent the next few weeks following several lines and was able to supply him with more than enough. They ended up completing a little over 200 baptisms that night. I felt compelled to finish the rest of them, so I sat in the baptistry (most of that time shivering by the font) for six hours the following Tuesday to complete 200 more female baptisms, along with waiting for 60 more male baptisms to be completed. I learned that if I released those names to have the initiatories completed by temple patrons, they would often be finished very quickly. Then I reserved many of them again to complete the endowment and sealing. After this set of events, I watched the initiatories being completed over several days in real time - each time I refreshed the screen on Family Search. I was so grateful for the miracle that Heavenly Father provided to allow so many to begin on the covenant path prior to Easter. I love the song "Risen" written by Shawna Belt Edwards. One of the lines says that Jesus "set the captives free." I felt that powerfully during this experience. I am in awe at what God can do with a willing heart, hands, and feet. He magnifies our relatively small offerings in often unexpected and miraculous ways. My family history work increased exponentially after that.

             Over the past two years, many kind people have been willing to help me with the growing number of ordinances. I have needed the most help with endowments, since they take the longest. Their selfless service has allowed me to continue working on baptisms and sealings – almost exclusively. I love the opportunity that gives me to begin and end the process with most of the ancestors I have found. When I share my temple cards with people who are willing to help me, I tell them about my grandma who came to America from the Netherlands. I hope it helps them to feel even more purpose as they help with the work. One friend asked if she could send some cards to her parents and adult brother who live in Idaho. Her brother has some emotional struggles and he found purpose in helping me with those endowments, which felt like a win-win situation. My previous academic advisor at UVU who has become a dear friend has also helped me with a large number of endowments and the youth in her stake completed many baptisms during a youth conference. I was in an endowment session at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple one evening and noticed a couple who had previously moved from our ward. It was a large session, so I went back and talked to the woman while we were waiting to go through the veil. She and her husband stopped by our house later that week and picked up some endowment cards as well. A couple in our ward who served as full-time stake missionaries have been very helpful. They texted me a picture of a poem on August 4, 2019. The poem was written by Don L. Searle and is titled “One Holy Moment.” They wrote, “This poem reminds me of the feelings we have when we take your names to the temple. Thank you.” Here is the part that was most meaningful to me:

Born in different centuries,

You and I, an ocean apart,

And half a continent.

Never would our lives touch

But for this holy moment.

In a temple of our God…

Did you know joy in your years?

I hope you know it now,

As our lives touch

In this sacred moment,

My one brief chance to serve.

Would that I could reach a hand

Across two hundred years,

Or put an arm across a shoulder

To tell you what I feel…

            Because I graduated with my associate degree from UVU in November 2019, I had some extra time that I could spend in the temple before our grandson was born in January 2020. So, as my Christmas gift to Jesus, I made a goal to spend as many days as possible in the Provo Temple before it was closed for Christmas. During that time, I talked more often with an older woman who was retired and never been married. She lived near the temple and spent each day there doing work for other people. She specifically focused on sealings and we ended up in many sessions together. One day, she offered to help me with some of my sealings and I was so grateful. I brought 30 cards for her and she finished them in one day. I couldn’t believe it! She offered to do more for me over the Christmas holiday, since she would be going to the Provo City Center Temple, and gave me her home address. During those two weeks, I continued to prepare more names for sealings. Initially, I drove to her house and clipped 65 cards to the side of her mailbox near the front door. Again, she completed them in two or three days! That process miraculously repeated two more times during the Christmas holiday. Meanwhile, I attended the Mt. Timpanogos Temple while the Provo Temple was closed. I was in a few sealing sessions with a man who regularly served in that temple also. He saw how many names I was trying to complete over several sessions and asked if he could help. I left a few cards with him and he finished them that day. A few days later, he walked into another of my sealing sessions and I was so happy to see him. He also wrote down his P.O. box number and gave it to me. I started sending him sealing cards as well and he completed approximately 200 sealings over the next three months, which was another miraculous gift.

            When the Provo Temple opened again in January, I was so grateful for the chance to thank my sweet temple friend in person. She said she felt kind of burned out, which was very understandable, so I wasn’t planning to give any more cards to her. Remember the older man I met in the temple cafeteria who completed seven endowments for me in April 2018? A few months before the Christmas break, I saw him again in the sealing area. I was really grateful for the chance to thank him in person after a year of wondering if our paths would ever cross again. From that time on, whenever he was in a session with me, he would take a few of my cards, so that I could go home to my family a little earlier than I had planned. (He decided that he was needed more in the sealing rooms, so he started to only do two endowment sessions, instead of three, each day. Then he would end each day of service by participating in five or six sealing sessions.) When he found out that my other temple friend was feeling burned out, he offered to help also. That was a relief to the friend who felt burned out and she decided she could help me after all. They became a dynamic duo. I continued to prepare names at home and brought 100 or 200 cards at a time to the temple. When I saw one of them, I gave them the cards and then they divided them up. I was in awe at how many completion notifications I received from Family Search each evening. They miraculously completed each set of cards within about a week each time. When the temples closed on March 14^th due to the COVID-19 pandemic, they had completed a combined total of 1,750 sealings. (That number is in addition to the 195 my first friend completed during Christmas holiday. It also doesn’t include the children they helped seal to parents or the names they helped me with while I was serving in the sessions with them.) I’m convinced they were sent to me as angels to help me complete a work that was far too overwhelming and basically impossible for me to do alone in that amount of time.

            About three months into the quarantine, I sent out texts to many of the people who helped with my temple work during the previous two years to thank them once again for their selfless service. On June 10th, I received another reply text from the couple in our ward who previously served as stake missionaries. It said, “We have appreciated the opportunity of taking names to the temple, especially since my ancestry on one side is Dutch. A couple years ago you indicated you felt the need to get these names done. Possibly a forewarning about the forthcoming closure of the temples?...” I replied, “I absolutely know that I felt the urgency because the Lord knew the temples would be closing for a while. I’m so grateful he sent me earth angels like both of you to help with that miracle.” This whole experience reminded me that a definition of Zion is being of “one heart and one mind” (see Moses 7:18) and it is built by people who serve selflessly with Christlike love. I am grateful for the privilege of being surrounded by people with those qualities. One of the last lines of my patriarchal blessing says, “As you help to gather genealogy, you will become a savior on Mt. Zion and will be a great blessing to those who have passed on beyond the veil. When you leave this earth there will be a great reunion with your ancestors who will be glad to receive you because of your work in their behalf.” As I mentioned earlier, I never thought this was even a real possibility before Family Search sent me the notification for that first ancestor in January 2018. This experience has truly shown me that with God, nothing is impossible (see Luke 1:37).

Chapter 32: Family History Fun (part 2)

I'm still not finished with this chapter, so I'm going to post this and continue working on it tomorrow.

 

            Miracles and divine intersections continued regularly during the following two years. On April 5, 2018, my sister in North Carolina found an entire family of our ancestors when she followed up on a notification for Cornelia Driesprong (2^nd cousin of our grandma’s dad) that Family Search sent her daughter in February. The temple closest to my sister was now closed for long-term renovations, so I reserved the work for the Driesprong family. The next day, on April 6th, my mom forwarded a notification to me that Family Search sent her back in March for Jansje Cornelia Kruidenier (4^th cousin of our grandma’s dad). As I looked at her family members, I noticed that all of her mom’s temple work had been completed in 1961, except for her being sealed to her parents. So that's how I found her parents, Pieter van der Wel and Maria den Boer, who also needed all of their work done. So I reserved the work for the Kruidenier family, along with their grandparents. That meant I could do the baptism and confirmation of a grandma at the same time as several of her granddaughters. I printed out all of those cards and invited one of my walking friends to go with me to begin the temple work for these families the next day on April 7^th.

            I returned to the Provo Temple on April 12, 2018 to do the initiatories for these female ancestors. After I arrived, I met a kind woman at the initiatory desk who offered to help me complete half of them. Because of that, I also had time to do one of the endowments, and I ended up sitting by that same kind woman during the session. I looked her up later on Facebook and sent her a message. We decided to meet at the Provo Temple again the following week, so we could get to know each other better. I went a couple of hours early on April 19^th to wait in the baptistry for the male ordinances to be completed. Then I asked a kind man to take those completed cards into the male dressing room, so the initiatories could possibly be completed while I was in the endowment session. When my friend arrived, we went to the cafeteria to visit while we ate lunch prior to the endowment session. As I waited for her at a table, I noticed an older man sitting in the corner of the cafeteria and I felt prompted to go over and talk with him. I explained that seven of my male temple cards were in the men’s dressing room and I wasn’t sure if the work was actually being done or not. He understood my plight. Since he was almost finished with his meal, he would check to see if they were completed. If they weren’t, he promised he would do them for me. I was very grateful for his kindness. He came back a few minutes later with the completed cards. He then surprised me by explaining that he spent every day in the temple and completed three endowment sessions each day. This was a Thursday and he said he could have those cards completed for me by Saturday. I immediately jumped up and gave him a big hug, before I realized that it may not have been appropriate. He laughed and said he would take a hug like that anytime, just like he would from a granddaughter. I was overcome with joy in that moment and felt extremely grateful for this obvious divine intersection.

            True to his word, the endowments were completed by Saturday afternoon. As soon as the notification appeared on Family Search, I gathered the other cards I had been working on during the previous two weeks and drove to the temple to help complete the sealings. President Freestone was the sealer that day, which made the experience even more sacred. (Our families know each other and I didn’t realize that he had become a sealer on the day before my birthday in February – which is when this journey began for me. He and his wife now have a special place in my heart). I briefly shared the experiences that brought me to that session and he commented later on how contagious my enthusiasm was. Over the following year, I occasionally asked Heavenly Father to bless that kind man who helped to complete those seven male endowments for me. I wondered if our paths would ever cross again, since he was there each day and my time at the temple had increased. That time would come later.

            I was asked to give a presentation to the youth in our ward on the blessings of temple and family history work. That presentation occurred on May 20, 2018 and I was grateful to have the experiences of the previous month to share with them. I also used a Conference talk by Dale G. Renlund as my theme. He explained, “When God directs us to do one thing, He often has many purposes in mind. Family history and temple work is not only for the dead but blesses the living as well…. We (can) identify our own ancestors who died without receiving the ordinances of salvation. We can perform the ordinances vicariously in temples, and our ancestors may choose to accept the ordinances. We are also encouraged to help ward and stake members with their family names. It is… amazing that, through family history and temple work, we can help to redeem the dead. But as we participate in family history and temple work today, we also lay claim to ‘healing’ blessings…. This long list includes these blessings: increased understanding of the Savior and His atoning sacrifice; increased influence of the Holy Ghost to feel strength and direction for our own lives; increased faith, so that conversion to the Savior becomes deep and abiding; …increased joy through an increased ability to feel the love of the Lord; …increased love and appreciation for ancestors and living relatives, so we no longer feel alone; …increased protection from… the intensifying influence of the adversary; and increased assistance to mend troubled, broken, or anxious hearts and make the wounded whole. If you have prayed for any of these blessings, participate in family history and temple work. As you do so, your prayers will be answered” (“Family History and Temple Work: Sealing and Healing,” Ensign, May 2018).

            He continued, “When ordinances are performed on behalf of the deceased, God’s children on earth are healed. No wonder President Russell M. Nelson, in his first message as President of the Church, declared, ‘Your worship in the temple and your service there for your ancestors will bless you with increased personal revelation and peace and will fortify your commitment to stay on the covenant path.’ An earlier prophet also foresaw blessings for both the living and the dead. A heavenly messenger showed Ezekiel a vision of a temple with water gushing out of it…. Two characteristics of the water are noteworthy. First, …meaningful growth occurs going backward and forward through the generations as sealing ordinances weld families together. Second, the river renewed everything that it touched. The blessings of the temple likewise have a stunning capacity to heal. Temple blessings can heal hearts and lives and families” (“Family History and Temple Work: Sealing and Healing,” Ensign, May 2018).

            I feel like the blessings of the temple have made every part of my life better. It hasn’t solved all my problems, but it has given me strength to deal with them better. Each time I complete the temple ordinances for an ancestor, I believe they become another angel that can help strengthen me and my family when life is difficult. Temple work is an amazing kind of service because the people who have died can’t do this work themselves. So we are literally helping Christ to save them. He has the power to do it all on His own, but he allows us to help Him. I shared with the youth how the temple helps us grow up in a more spiritual way. This scripture passage explains what I mean, “…Do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house….may grow up in thee, and receive a fulness of the Holy Ghost… and be prepared to obtain every needful thing” (Doctrine and Covenants 109:14-15). Dale G. Renlund concluded, “President Russell M. Nelson, however, cautioned: ‘We can be inspired all day long about temple and family history experiences others have had. But we must do something to actually experience the joy ourselves.’ He continued, ‘I invite you to prayerfully consider what kind of sacrifice—preferably a sacrifice of time—you can make [to] do more temple and family history work’” (“Family History and Temple Work: Sealing and Healing,” Ensign, May 2018). I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to figure out how to do family history work, but I’ve been so grateful that Heavenly Father knew exactly what was needed and provided a way through these miraculous experiences.

Chapter 32: Family History Fun

Today was unexpectedly difficult. I cried for much of the morning. I'm so grateful I was finally able to pull myself together enough to work on this important chapter. It's only about half finished, but I feel very relieved to have written as much as I did.

           

               It is important, for many reasons, to know where you came from. One of those reasons is the strength of your ancestors, and the way they overcame challenges, can strengthen you. 

            One of my ancestors is Lijntje van Wijnen. She is my maternal grandma. When she was five years old, she sailed to America from Rotterdam, South Holland in the Netherlands. She made the trip with her recently widowed mom and they arrived at Ellis Island in New York on January 2, 1923. At that time, her name was changed to Lena Van Wynen.  She and her mom boarded a train and traveled to Ogden, Utah. The missionary who baptized her parents a few years earlier met them there. She eventually married my grandpa, Lowell Carter Burns. My mom is their only daughter, born between four older and two younger brothers. I am my mom’s oldest daughter. I lived with my Grandma Burns for a semester when I attended Weber State College in 1990. I still feel a special bond with her.

            Genealogical research is a priority of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Their online program, Family Search, is an amazing tool for family history research. Prior to that, my paternal grandma worked tirelessly on the genealogy for her side of the family and recorded it on long horizontal family group sheets. However, very little work had been done my maternal line. I always thought family history work was basically impossible for me and I never completed any work other than a four generation pedigree sheet on both sides of my family.

            In January 2018, I was still trying to write this book, but it became too overwhelming. So I decided to just work on it as my personal history instead. During that same time, my parents were preparing to serve another mission. One evening, my mom showed me some treasures she found while going through boxes. They included her mom’s journal, several important documents, old letters, and some pictures. My mom allowed me to take them home so I could look at them more closely. I immediately began typing a copy of the handwritten pages from my grandma’s journal. She wrote less than 20 pages and it ended after their first child was born. I was fascinated with what she had written, though,  and was grateful to learn a little more about her early life. At the end of January, I received an email notification from Family Search letting me know that temple work still needed to be completed for an ancestor named Jaapje Buitelaar. She is the maternal fourth cousin of my Grandma Burns. I usually just disregarded those notices, but I felt different this time. I clicked on the link, printed out a temple card for her, and that was the first step in my family history journey. 

            Meanwhile, my sister had been doing family history work for a while. She lived in North Carolina at that time and the temple closest to them would be closing for long-term renovations shortly. When I told her about my unexpected change of heart, she asked if I would be willing to finish the temple work for 13 remaining ancestors. I agreed and invited my mom to help me. So we went to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on my birthday the next week. I was recovering from a cold, but I thought it would be neat to have my birth date stamped on all 14 of those cards (for Jaapje and the 13 my sister transferred to me). My nieces had acted as proxy for the baptisms and confirmations of these 13 ancestors. So my mom and I acted as proxy for the initiatory ordinance of each one. The initiatory is a beautiful ordinance, which takes place prior to the endowment. It is a much shorter ordinance, so more can be done at one time. My mom and I had to wait two different times, but we were each able to do the initiatories for seven ancestors. It was a memorable and sacred experience for both of us, in addition to being a great way to celebrate my 46^th birthday. I returned to the temple on February 8^th to be proxy for Jaapje’s endowment, which was also a very special experience.

            Later in February 2018, I wrote the following partial entry in my journal. “I've recently become painfully aware of my human weakness as I’ve continued to visit with people over the past few weeks. So I have been prompted to shift my focus to compiling my personal history and working on my family history and temple work. I'm hoping I will make less mistakes with the dead than I have with the living. However, it's a miracle that someone who has struggled as much as I have with depression and social anxiety was able to visit as much as I did in the first place. God did way more with that experience than I could have ever done on my own. I'm so grateful for the opportunities he gave me to try to help and lift others in my very small way.” I discussed three of those divine intersections with Janell, her half-sister and niece in chapter 24. I accompanied Janell’s niece to complete her initiatory and endowment on May 12, 2015. Since that time, I met her niece for lunch on several different occasions, but she never felt ready to help seal Janell and her husband, along with sealing their two children to them. (Even though Dee and Janell weren’t active in the church, they did have their children’s temple work done after each of their tragic deaths.)  I was anxious to participate in that sealing because it felt like the beginning of the happy ending for their family, since they are all now together after 20 years of separation. However, I knew it needed to be on their relative’s timetable, not mine.

            Several miracles occurred shortly after I wrote that bittersweet journal entry. Janell's niece visited me spontaneously on the afternoon of February 20^th to deliver an invitation to her upcoming civil wedding. She explained that she had already waited too long to help seal Janell’s family, she handed me the temple cards, and asked me to do it in her behalf. I could not believe it! I was so honored for the privilege and opportunity she had literally just handed me. I was already planning to help seal Jaapje to her husband the next day and I was so grateful for the chance to help with this important sealing in the same session. I remember praying that our house wouldn't burn down while we slept or that I wouldn't get in a wreck on the way to the temple... because I had been waiting for this day since Janell’s niece completed her endowment almost five years before.

            I made it safely to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple the next morning. I acted as proxy for Jaapje as she was sealed to Jacobus Borstlap. Then I had the privilege of being proxy for Janell as she was sealed to Dee in the same session. Immediately after their sealing, I had the privilege of being proxy for their daughter, as I helped seal her and her older brother to Dee and Janell in the next ordinance. I cried tears of joy through all three ordinances. I wondered if Janell and Dee were permitted to watch the ordinances from where they were in the next life and I hoped they knew how much I love them. Toward the end of the session, I thought I heard a voice in my mind that said, “Hi Wendi Bird,” which is a reference from Peter Pan and it's what Dee used to say to me when I came over to walk with Janell. (In case that wasn’t enough of a tender mercy, right after I heard Dee’s voice in my mind, someone with the last name of Darling was sealed – that was Wendy's last name in Peter Pan!) I hadn't thought of that nickname in a long time. I took it as a sign that they were happy and accepting of my gift to them and their children. I am looking forward to the day when I can see them in the next life. I feel very connected to their family now. I kept alternating between a big grin and tears for many hours following the sealing session. 

            I remember feeling like I could finally be at peace about Janell for the first time since the Monday after Easter 2014 when I found out she passed away. Another interesting side note is that Jaapje and Jacobus had a son named Cornelis. Cornelis married Maria de Groot and I printed out a temple card for her just three weeks after our daughter told us she was pregnant in May 2019. The interesting thing about that is DeGroot is the last name of our grandson and his father. I just noticed that recently and it was another sweet moment when I was reminded that God is aware of me and my circumstances.

            I also had the opportunity to attend the wedding of Janell’s niece just two days later on February 23^rd. It was a very snowy day and I wondered if it was worth attending as my car slipped and slid through the snow on my drive to the Provo city courthouse. She asked me to be one of the witnesses when I arrived, so she now has a marriage certificate with my signature on it. After the ceremony, I joined her, her two cute kids, her new husband, and several other family members at Pizza Factory for lunch afterward. That gave me the opportunity to talk with Janell’s half-sister for the first time in quite a while. I was grateful that I made the effort to support their family. I visited with my good friend who was the Relief Society president during my experience with Janell. I explained to her again how I thought I was in Janell’s life to save her life, but I was so confused when she died. This friend explained to me that I actually was in her life to help the Savior save her in my small way. I am grateful for the miracles that have occurred to help all of this happen in God's perfect timing. I know that Heavenly Father works miracles in our lives. I’m very grateful that He allows us to help in these miracles that we could never make happen ourselves. I know that the greatest miracle of all is the atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful for His mercy and grace. I know that we can have “more freedom from earth stains” as we partake of the sacrament and attend the temple.