Podcast preparation

• This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:  

1. Tell me a little bit about yourself, so that I can introduce you on the podcast. (Ex: where you have lived, worked, passions, awards, family, creative endeavors or personal interests important things to you). This is a little bio of sorts. Please write in the third person and keep it to five sentences or less. 

Wendi grew up in Palmyra, New York; Orem, Utah; Tallahassee, Florida; and Longmont, Colorado. She has been married to John for a quarter of a century. They are the parents of two adult children and grandparents to a very loved baby grandson. She enjoys walking and talking with friends and family, taking pictures in nature, and spending time with her grandson. 

2. What is an interesting little known fact about you?

My Tetris skills help me with closet and drawer organization. :) 

3. Please share with me some of the “hard times” you have experienced and would like to share on the podcast. 

* I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar 2 Disorder, which is heavy on depression interspersed with periods of elevated mood called hypomania. Along with that, I have struggled with social anxiety, which made it very difficult to leave my house for several years. I also have overlapping challenges with generalized anxiety, perfectionism, and some obsessive compulsive tendencies. 

* I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. My right side has different levels of loss of feeling and discomfort from my ribs to my toes. My “uniform” has become heavy skinny jeans and very supportive sneakers. When I wear that combination, I have less discomfort and can walk without limping. 

* My husband and adult children no longer believe in the same way I do and no longer participate with me in organized religion. However, they continue to be some of the best people I know. This unexpected circumstance has caused some ongoing dissonance and loneliness in my life since August 2012. 

* Our children both had some medical conditions, which ended up triggering long-term emotional distress for me. Our son was in the NICU for the first 10 days of his life. Our daughter suffered from epilepsy during her growing up years, which required me to stay in the hospital with her for almost two weeks on two different occasions. 

4. What were the top 3-5 lessons you learned during your "hard times?” (You can list more than 5 if you want). 

* Comparing my life, accomplishments, or progress with others often causes discouragement and self-doubt. 

* We each have different strengths and weaknesses that give us the ability to influence, contribute, serve, love, empathize, and connect with people in unique and important ways. 

* Perfectionism isn’t the same thing as perfection. It causes unnecessary suffering in the form of stress, shame, and guilt while trying to achieve the impossible. 

* Walking in the fresh air and sunshine can help almost any problem seem a little more manageable. The act of moving your body and choosing to put one foot in front of the other is an effective way to change the direction of your thoughts—and eventually your life. 

* Focusing on “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing” is helpful when feeling immobilized by anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Breaking large problems into smaller ones or choosing to just “do the next right thing” is a powerful way to cope with feeling overwhelmed. 

* Mental illness is not a character flaw and when we talk about it more with others, we can lessen the stigma surrounding it, along with understanding that it affects many more people than we realize. 

5. How have you changed or what have you done differently because of your challenges? 

* I gradually learned to face my fear of leaving the house by walking to nearby destinations each day—to shop for a few items or run small errands. 

* After that, I continued learning to overcome my social anxiety by going out of my way to visit over 500 women. In the process, I was able to help several who also suffered with depression and anxiety. I also found some dear friends who have been an uplifting and supportive influence in my life. 

* Those activities built enough confidence in myself to return to college and earn an associate degree at Utah Valley University when my daughter started attending there after high school graduation. I was never able to take more than 6-9 credits each semester, but I rarely missed class and learned to turn in homework assignments early (unlike the first time as a young adult when I was often immobilized by anxiety and depression). 

* It also gave me the courage to move to a new home that we built to better fit my needs for MS. We lived in a four-level-split for over 18 years, but it became too difficult for me to climb stairs several time each day. So we built a home across town with main-level living and room to accommodate possible future wheelchair needs. Because of that, we have a place for our daughter and grandson to live in our basement. 

* I am still trying to learn how to self-comfort, instead of self-criticize. Showing compassion for others in their difficult circumstances is much easier for me than extending that same compassion to myself. 

6. Do you have a favorite Bible verse that you would like to share that became meaningful to you during your difficulty? 

* Philippians 4:13 ~ “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” 

 (That verse has helped me develop self-confidence and the strength to overcome anxiety and discouragement.) 

* Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” 

 (Those verses have helped me better cope with difficult circumstances that have been confusing and overwhelming in life.) 

7. Are there websites, books, music or other resources you would recommend to someone in a similar circumstance? 

The music and especially lyrics of Hilary Weeks (an inspirational, Christian singer) has become a type of soundtrack to my journey. In addition to her many CDs, she now has an inexpensive subscription program called “Live All In” where she releases a new song with additional material each month. More than anything else, her music helps interrupt the downward spiral of my thoughts and begins to replace them with more uplifting thoughts. 

8. Do you want to be able to have people contact you after the show? (Ex: on a website or on Facebook if they really connect with you and your story). If yes, please share your contact information. 

If people wanted to contact me, my writing blog is “Wend Your Way.” I’m not currently posting on it, but it includes many of Hilary Weeks’ lyrics, along with experiences and lessons I’ve learned during my journey. People could leave a comment with their contact information there.

*** 

After listening to 2.5 episodes of her podcast last night and this morning, I decided to post several updates—so there will be more than just half-finished book chapters on this blog. It has been very soothing to the anticipatory anxiety I was starting to feel about the upcoming interview, which will be on Wednesday morning. 

This is the "head shot" I sent
(my husband took it down by the Ashton's house on one of our walks a few months ago)

This is the picture I wish I could have sent.
It was taken of me and our grandson at the beginning of August. 

Chapter 23: Daring to Be Vulnerable

* I added some content to the last paragraph on July 28, 2020.

            Pam Hansen is the author of Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph Over Obesity (2005). It took courage and vulnerability to share her story in such an honest and open way. As a result, she has helped and inspired many other people struggling with their own tragedies and weight loss journeys. We used to live in the same neighborhood as Pam’s family and I feel like we have a common thread in our stories. She was very depressed and went out for a walk one day in spring 2001. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in her losing 100 pounds in one year, completing three marathons, and founding the annual Running with Angels 5K run/walk in 2005. In a similar way, I was also very depressed with a different set of struggles and went out for a walk one day in 2011. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in me losing 46 pounds in 15 months, learning to deal with mental and physical challenges in a healthier way, and visiting approximately 500 women beginning in fall 2013.

            Pam also wrote Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality,Body Image, and Self-Worth (2008). When I visited her in 2014, she gave me an autographed copy as a gift. I appreciated her thoughtfulness during that visit. I have also been grateful for the kindness and love she has continued to show me. We went out for a healthy treat so we could visit one other time. During that visit, she gave me the gift of Liquid Sunshine in a pump soap from Bath and Body Works. That was the perfect gift, since her cheerful smile and sincere hugs have brightened several of my days during the time I’ve known her.

            In 2015, I walked in the Running with Angels 5K at Thanksgiving Point Gardens with a friend who was also trying to overcome her own challenges with mental illness and obesity. On page 57 of her first book, Pam wrote, “Change takes place one step at a time.” That is a main theme in my book as well. Writing is very difficult for me and I admire her ability to write two inspirational books in such a skillful and uplifting way. Her willingness to be vulnerable has blessed my life and I want to continue trying to follow her good example.

            I am grateful for the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will briefly summarize what I’ve learned from her about vulnerability and connection. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We need to be willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We need to learn to embrace vulnerability and understand that vulnerability is not weakness. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1).

            A good friend recently reminded me about this talk by Joy D. Jones. “Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth…. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less! We continue to … strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.”
            She continued, “Despite this marvelous truth, how many of us struggle, from time to time, with negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves? I do. It’s an easy trap. … Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well. Instead it holds us back. As we’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ In contrast, the Lord assures us that when we have virtuous thoughts, He will bless us with confidence, even the confidence to know who we really are. …We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives; but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost verifying the truth of our spiritual worth… If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves…. If we choose to focus on our negative thoughts and doubt our worth instead of clinging to the Savior, it becomes more difficult to feel the impressions of the Holy Ghost…. Let’s not be confused about who we are! While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence … As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            I recently listened to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. I was reminded again that it's okay to not know how to do something, to do it wrong, and to make mistakes. Failing is actually the best way to eventually succeed. Learning to own everything about ourselves and being willing to go through life with our flaws and humanity showing is at the core of vulnerability. These important questions were asked: “What if our value was untouched by our humanness? What if we seriously believed that?” We can be flawed and still be worthy of love and acceptance (“Vulnerability,” Pivot Parenting, 28 July 2020). I have been taught these concepts my whole life, but the way she phrased those questions was very helpful to me. When we clearly remember who we are, it gives us confidence to be our true selves. When we are willing to connect with others in a real, authentic, and vulnerable way, it allows them to see us. As we dare to be vulnerable and open in this way, it will help others have the courage to do the same. That is how our hearts can become “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (see Mosiah 18:21). We actually need to know what is in each other’s hearts for that miracle to happen.           

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.

Chapter 18: Spheres of Influence

* It took me almost the whole day to write this because life provides lots of little interruptions! (I returned on August 15th to add a picture, some song lyrics by Kenneth Cope, and a passage from Brad Wilcox's book.)

            I have been fascinated with three related phrases for several years. A person’s “sphere of influence” is the area where they have power to change or influence things. When an object is dropped in water, it sends out ripples that expand across the water. Likewise, when an event occurs that has a lasting, exponential impact, it is often referred to as a “ripple effect.” Sometimes, when it isn’t possible to pay back a kindness, a person may choose to “pay it forward as a way to express their gratitude. Perhaps, one of the reasons for my interest in these phrases is that they can all be applied to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and our response to its effect on our lives.

            Neal A. Maxwell eloquently explained, “ Recall the new star that announced the birth at Bethlehem? It was in its precise orbit long before it so shone. We are likewise placed in human orbits to illuminate…. Part of God’s ‘ample provision’ consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled ‘in the arms of [His] love’ (D&C 6:20)” (“Encircled in the Arms of His Love,” Ensign, November 2002).

            Hilary Weeks wrote about how she struggled with feeling inadequate earlier in her life. “As I drove home I was feeling kind of bad about myself. Then the Spirit whispered a thought that has changed my life: Don’t worry about what others think of you. Worry about what they think of themselves when they are with you.” Now she compliments people, thinks of interesting questions to ask, and smiles first. She continues, “Focusing on others takes the worry away and helps me to be happy and confident” (Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are, pp. 19-20). As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I have spent a few minutes with Hilary on several different occasions over the past six years and she does just that.

            I drove up to Bountiful with a friend to attend a dinner party on August 19, 2017. This picture was taken as we were helping my friend to prepare the wontons for our Chinese dinner. 

I'm sitting next to Kenneth Cope and his wife. I was grateful to have the chance to thank him for his uplifting music. I attended Especially For Youth at BYU in 1986 and he wrote the theme song that year. On my full-time mission, I played his song, "Pass It On" (from the 1993 EFY cassette tape I loved listening to before I left home) as part of a message during some of our dinner appointments with members in the area. I made a CD of some of my favorite inspirational music a few years ago and it includes the song, "Broken," which he wrote with Eliza Cope. It uplifts me each time I hear it. (It is one of the songs on the 2005 EFY CD titled A More Excellent Way.) Below are most of the powerful lyrics:

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ 'til His name feels broken in

...And, yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name – my God loves broken things...

I'm grateful for his willingness to share his singing and songwriting talent that blesses my life and the lives of countless others.  

                I was given the opportunity to sit at the same table with Brad Wilcox and his wife during the actual dinner. It was just the three of us, which also gave me the chance to thank him for the lasting impact his July 2011 BYU devotional talk, "His Grace is Sufficient," has made on my life. Brad is a BYU professor, well-known speaker, author of several best-selling books. and was called as the second counselor in the Young Men general presidency of the Church in April 2020. He and his wife were both very kind and considerate during our time together. They asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the experiences I shared. In fact, Brad asked for my address, which I wrote on a napkin. A few days later, an autographed copy of his newest book, Changed by Grace, arrived in the mail. I’m sure there have been many other conversations with similar napkins. However, that made a lasting impact on me. 

            In that book, he comments on 2 Nephi 2:8, which teaches that we are saved "through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." I love how he explains these terms in such an understandable way and especially how they build upon each other. "Christ's merits mean He was the only one authorized and able to perform the Atonement. His anointing in the premortal world, unique birth, and perfect life made Him the only one who could atone for us. The fact that He chose to do so means He loves us. Christ's mercies mean that He was willing to save us from physical and spiritual deaths that came in consequence of the Fall. Even though we are completely undeserving, He can resurrect us, forgive us as we repent, and enter into a covenant relationship with us. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us just the way we are. Christ's grace means that He stands ready to transform and exalt us. He offers His divine help throughout that perfecting process. The fact that He chooses to do so means He loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are."

            Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler are also well-known speakers and best-selling authors. They co-host “Don’t Miss This,” which has helped me study the Come Follow Me curriculum in a way that doesn't feel so lonely, since I'm the only one in our home who actively participates in gospel study. They share insights about the scriptures in weekly YouTube videos that I enjoy watching. They are very talented at combining humor with spirituality and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. I think that is a really valuable combination. They have emphasized that regardless of our calling or station in life, we are all called to love others.

            I’ve noticed that people sometimes form into cliques among a larger group. Often, there is a tendency to be less friendly to people outside the clique. Social sciences refer to this as “in-group” and “out-group.” I am always impressed with people who are confident enough to be friends with people in all the groups. Their sphere of influence is much greater because they are inclusive. Virginia U. Jensen explained, “Sisters in all life circumstances have opportunities to build and nurture others within their sphere of influence” (“Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment,” Ensign, November 1999). We each have a unique sphere of influence. Hilary, Emily, David, Brad, and Kenneth have a large sphere of influence and I’m grateful for the amazing amount of good they do in the world. However, each of us can spend our time lifting others and improving life for people around us in small and simple ways. Showing kindness, mercy, empathy, and love creates a positive ripple effect for good.

Introduction (first attempt)

* I wrote this original Introduction or Preface on August 12, 2019. 

* Note from my husband and our 20-year-old son on September 2, 2019: Most people haven’t read the same books as you and you have a different voice than them anyway; don’t discount yourself and what you have to say or others will too.

           I don’t read as much as most people I know. I get hung up in the highlighting. I’m also a relatively late learner and slow adopter of habits. It takes me a long time to warm up to new things and especially new technology. I’m very grateful for the Gospel Library app and for books on Kindle. I still don’t read nearly as much as I wish I did, but highlighting is now less messy and more precise. It’s also much easier to find the notes I’ve made “in the margins”.

            Because I don’t read regularly, I have a feeling that most of the ideas I share in this book have already been thought of, spoken by, or written about by other people who think more deeply and live them more fully. I value what I do choose to read and acknowledge that my thinking and view of the world have been shaped by many of the ideas contained in those pages. Although there may be similarities, I hope that the experiences I share and the lessons I learned along the way will be a helpful combination and may add a different flavor to some of those ideas. 

            Many people who have heard “my story” or who have joined me along “my journey” have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. When I walk with women, our conversations cover many topics and we seem to solve a lot of life’s problems while we are enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. I have found that it is often more difficult to apply the principles we’ve discussed and the answers we’ve discovered when we return to our homes and lives. I haven’t fully incorporated all the ideas I share, but I continue to improve as a result of them, and I hope they will have a positive impact on your life as well.

            In the acknowledgments, I thanked many of the people who have been influential in my life. Among those people is Hilary Weeks. Her music, and especially her lyrics, have been the driving force behind the progress on my journey. She is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, whose songs focus on Christ and His grace. She also writes many songs about reaching our potential through perseverance and optimism. With her permission, I will be using her lyrics throughout this book as a type of soundtrack for my journey.

Chapter 6: Perspective and Peace

Perspective was my word of the year in 2017. One of the definitions for perspective is the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance. Cultivating a perspective of hope has been helpful for me. I remind myself that every day is a new beginning and a fresh start. With this perspective, we have unlimited chances to try again. Being present in the moment, or mindfulness, is another perspective I would like to continue practicing. I try to remind myself that only fairy tales end with “happy ever after.” My goal is to be “happily ever present.”

I’ve also learned that perspective and gratitude complement each other. I appreciate the quote, “gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” Another way to phrase that is to “celebrate the everyday miracles surrounding you,” which is one of my favorite lyrics from my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. I will discuss more about gratitude in a later chapter.

Peace was my word of the year in 2018. One way to develop more peace is to be content with what you have, while still taking the initiative to make changes and improve your life. In other words, peace occurs more frequently when we are content, but not complacent. It has been said that “comparison is the thief of happiness.” In the same way, comparison destroys peace. Often, we compare our worst qualities or behavior with the best we observe in other people. That is one of the quickest ways to feel the opposite of peace.

At the end of 2017, I was walking and talking with a good friend. A general authority had recently visited her daughter’s mission and had counseled the missionaries to be “100% in.” I instantly realized that he was speaking of loyalty (not 100% perfect or even 100% obedient – like her missionary assumed). As conscientious women, our minds are frequently bombarded with thoughts of worry, guilt, or shame. In order to feel peace, it’s important to redirect our thinking back to truth in our present circumstances. I continued to ponder and was given the inspiration I needed to deal with difficult circumstances in my own life. It suddenly became very clear to me that I needed to pray for 100% peace when I felt conflicted in my circumstances with family members who have different beliefs than I do.

I had prayed almost constantly for peace up until then, but this new personal revelation changed my perspective almost instantly. As I was thinking about the phrase 100% peace, I realized it was similar to: a “perfect brightness of hope” (see 2 Nephi 31:20), a “fulness of joy” (see 3 Nephi 27:31), and the “pure love of Christ” (see Moroni 7:47). These are all verses found in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. In other words, nothing is perfect, pure, completely full, or 100% – except through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ! Those phrases describe a state of mind or heart. Our difficult or conflicting circumstances may never change, but we can receive that compensatory comfort all along the way.

Boyd K. Packer taught, “While we do not fully understand how the Atonement of Christ was made, we can experience 'the peace of God, which passeth all understanding' (Philippians 4:7)" (See "The Touch of the Master's Hand," Ensign, April 2001, 22.) This kind of peace doesn’t make sense to the mortal mind and yet I know it occurs. I believe this is one of the ways the Savior succors us and visits us in our afflictions (see Alma 7:12 and Mosiah 24:14 – also powerful verses in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ). A New Testament story illustrates this perfectly. Jesus and his disciples were on a boat and the disciples were afraid when a storm suddenly arose. Mark 4:39 reads, “And [Jesus] arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” If Jesus is powerful enough to calm the wind and waves in a storm, He is powerful enough to calm our troubled hearts and restore peace.

Perfectionism: conclusion

            Two related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are not judging oneself against impossible standards and not trying to do things in order to impress others. Devlin advised, “Become free as you stop holding yourself to insanely high standards . . . Instead of people feeling that they are on display and trying to achieve an unobtainable ideal, it is time for women to be who they really are” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Petra Kolber gave some advice about physical fitness that provided a good example of this. “If what you do personally . . . brings you joy, don’t change a thing. But if your diet is so restrictive, if your workouts are so intense, that every moment you are worrying” about your appearance, then you are missing the point (Halvorson 37). “If you ease up a little bit, you will . . . experience more joy because you will be able to connect on a deeper level” with other people “who struggle—because we connect through our cracks” (37).

            Two other key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are practicing courage by leaning into the discomfort of being imperfect and not taking oneself so seriously by learning to laugh more. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1). Dr. Brown explained that shame only works if it’s kept in secret (Devlin) and she described how to shed light on shame: “If you experience the continual thought saying, ‘I can’t believe I could be so stupid,’ talk about it. Call a friend, talk to your spouse, and let others hear what is pestering you inside. This courageous act will provide relief and can often end in laughter” (Devlin).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            Finally, one of the most powerful keys to easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to overcome the fear of failure by just being willing to try new things without harsh self-judgement. In her speech, Professor Cassy Budd, explained that her experiences gave her:

. . . a deep appreciation for the value of the “try.” Simply showing up and starting where you are is all that can be asked of you. Regardless of your level of experience, your failures, or your perception of your own potential, wherever you are in life, you just need to show up and try. Try . . . to ignore the negative self-talk when your movements do not measure up, and try to focus on the joy in the learning instead of the defeat in the failure. And amidst your “try,” recognize that others around you are in the middle of their own “try.” Celebrate their progress, even when they seem to be farther along than you, and give them a pass when they fall short. (14 Feb. 2017)

            Professor Budd compared making mistakes while playing the piano with making mistakes in life. “When you allow yourself to be paralyzed by your mistakes, you diminish your ability to be useful . . . Making mistakes is simply part of the human condition and can be one of your most productive learning tools. Yes, you need to recognize your mistakes. But more than that, you need to find a way to effectively play through them” (14 Feb. 2017).

            As I mentioned briefly in the introduction, one area where perfectionism has caused me great distress is when I am required to write papers for my classes in school. I usually have a few semi-nervous breakdowns during the process of researching and especially in the first stages of writing. When I was a junior in high school, I failed an entire semester of English because I couldn't ever figure out how to successfully push through that process. I just froze and couldn't function. It's the only failing grade I ever received in school. As I have matured and developed better coping skills in college, I have gradually improved in this area. Because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I have continued to agonize for days and weeks over the papers I’ve been required to write, but there have been fewer breakdowns and I’ve recovered more quickly. I’m grateful to report that the two semi-breakdowns I’ve had while writing this paper have ended in a breakthrough. I chose to apply the methods I’ve learned in my research for this paper to actually ease the pressure I’ve felt as I have written. Because of that, I have been able to finish writing this paper much sooner than expected and with much better mental health.

            As with other personality traits, perfectionism can be either adaptive or maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionists set high goals and strive to reach them in positive and healthy ways. Maladaptive or toxic perfectionists set goals and have expectations of themselves that are much too high, which can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. There are many ways a person can ease the pressure caused by perfectionism in their lives. These include learning to not compare oneself to others, developing self-compassion, and learning to adjust expectations and goals to a more realistic level. It may take a lifetime of practice to overcome perfectionistic tendencies, but every effort is worth it because progress never requires perfection.

Perfectionism: part 3

            Learning to differentiate between guilt and shame is a really important step in easing the pressure of perfectionism. In his academic journal article, Adams defined guilt as feeling “bad about the behavior they just performed and the behavior only” (69). Whereas, shame “centers on a negative evaluation of the self, not the behavior . . . In addition, shame causes individuals to suppose that others close to them also feel these same levels of anger and disgust toward them” (69). Guilt can include “being overly critical in the self-evaluation of behavior and performance (concern over mistakes) while striving to meet high standards” (65). This can result in “psychological problems . . . Interventions should focus on lowering self-critical thoughts by integrating the religious components of compassion, mercy, and forgiveness” (65). The goal is to help people “alter how they evaluate their mistakes, flaws, and imperfections” (65).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown demonstrated how shame and perfectionism play off each other. She defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

In her article, Toni Bernhard explained that perfectionism is a habit that can be changed with practice and she acknowledged that this may be a lifelong journey for people (Psychology Today). She regards herself as “a work-in-progress on the ‘recovering perfectionist’ scale” (Bernhard). A key method for easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to not compare oneself to others. She explained, “The comparing mindset feeds our perfectionistic tendencies and almost always leads to negative self-judgment” (Bernhard). She added, “Most of us don’t realize that the very people we’re comparing ourselves to are doing the same thing we’re doing – and coming up short in their own eyes” (Bernhard).

Petra Kolber is a famous fitness instructor who learned to transform her drive for perfection into pursuing happiness instead (Halvorson 39). She later developed a program called Perfection Detox to help others do the same (36). She shared some good advice on this topic: “The reason we suffer from insecurity is because we’re comparing our backstory to everybody else’s highlight reel . . . Social media exacerbates this. But we can also change how we look at it” (37). She suggests that it is “possible to see someone’s post and simply think, ‘I’m so happy for them’ without comparing myself to them” (37).

A recent academic journal article discussed how comparison occurs on social media – sometimes without us even knowing it. “Social media-based social comparisons . . . may lead to negative outcomes, particularly as individuals present their most ‘ideal’ selves on social media, therefore inviting upward social comparisons from others” (Sherlock and Wagstaff 483). This can cause unhealthy comparison between reality and the altered reality that is presented. The answer isn’t always to avoid social media altogether, but limiting its use may be helpful – especially if one notices that comparison is causing feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

This is what I decided to do after our daughter and her boyfriend told us she was pregnant in May of last year. Seeing other women posting about the temple marriages and missionary experiences of their children caused me great distress as I was adjusting to this news. So I completely deleted all of my followers on Facebook and Instagram – and I stopped following all of my contacts as well. As I have become more comfortable with the idea of becoming a grandma over the last few months, I have gradually re-added about twenty contacts on Instagram, but I have continued to avoid Facebook. Therefore, mindfulness, or becoming aware in the present moment of internal thoughts and feelings, is one way to change this habit of comparison which contributes to the negative effects of perfectionism (Bernhard).

            I’ve also noticed that women in this Utah County culture have a tendency to compare their worst traits with the best traits they observe in others. This often occurs at social gatherings or at church meetings and activities. If women burdened by the heavy expectations from perfectionism would be open and honest with their struggles, I believe it would allow others to be open and honest with theirs as well. That kind of vulnerability may help lessen the struggles that accompany perfectionism in women. I have experienced that in my own life. When I began telling close friends that my family members no longer believed and then again when our daughter became pregnant, it allowed them to feel comfortable sharing what was not perfect in their family situations as well.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown explained, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Developing self-compassion and being gentle with oneself is another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism. In her article, Jan Devlin gave this advice, “Give yourself the same empathy you’d show to a friend. Be willing to mess up and move on” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Several times in my own therapy sessions over the years, I have been advised to imagine how I would talk with a dear friend who is struggling in the same way I am and practice that type of self-talk. Devlin continued, “If you treated your friends as badly as you sometimes treat yourself, you would not have friends. Acknowledge that you are doing your best and be accepting of your efforts, as well as others” (Wasatch Family Therapy). In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57).