More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)

• Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):

My emotions have been all over the place since our last coaching session. Last night, I wanted to send an email and tell you I was quitting again. I'm so grateful that I didn't. I will try to share what has happened. I just wrote it all in my purple notebook. 

As I mentioned before, I stopped following Jody Moore (and also my friend who has recently become a life coach) on Instagram and unsubscribed from their podcasts on Saturday evening during the General Women's Meeting. I was so sad about it. But now I understand why. 

After praying this morning (which I have rarely done consistently), I stopped following Hilary Weeks, Emily Freeman, David Butler, and "Don't Miss This" study on Instagram. Instead, I started following four accounts that focus more regularly on Come Follow Me, General Conference, and beautiful art in connection with them. I realized that they (and Kenneth Cope and Brad Wilcox) are all extroverts and are very popular. Plus, I realized that when I follow them and interact with them, I feel like I am inferior and not contributing to the world in a positive way. 

I cried on Sunday evening after my husband did the sacrament for me (because I thought it would help me feel less empty after Conference), but it just made me feel more sad that I couldn't talk about it with anyone in my family. I accidentally mentioned that there would be a temple built in Lindon too, which was definitely the wrong thing to say to our son. 

I cried so much yesterday morning also. It ended up being the day off of our grandson's dad, so he watched our grandson—and I didn't have anything constructive to wake up to. I just can't figure out what to focus on. So I sit and spin my wheels—while trying to pray for direction. I texted my friend (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #1) that I was too depressed to come and wouldn't be good company. She didn't want to pressure me, but felt like I should still come if I could. So we switched the time to noon, instead of two, and I forced myself to drive over there. 

We walked for awhile and then sat under some trees and talked before walking back to her house. She also agreed that I had a "perfect storm" of circumstances that was very difficult—especially since no friends were around to support me during the past month (except for my ministering sister a couple of times). She thought that maybe a reason I'm not getting answers or feeling inspired to do anything more is that I need to prioritize rest—since I've been so exhausted. She reminded me that my MS keeping me up at night, my depression, and also my early mornings with our grandson could all be taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I thought that laying in bed was depression and reverting to my old ways, but she thinks it has been wise self care. My husband actually agrees. 

I forced myself to do the rowing machine for a few minutes in my husband's office after I returned home. I'm still trying to get the $340 refund from our marriage therapy, trying to decide whether to change treatments for MS (my neurologist wants me to try a ten-day pill solution, instead of an infusion), and trying to decide on a new individual therapist (two have responded and they seem much more user friendly than our previous office). I'm nervous about the side effects of changing medications and also don't want to start more therapy until I'm done with coaching and until my deductible is met (hopefully in early November). MS treatments cost $40K, so patients' assistance helps pay for them and meets our deductible—I feel like that's the only way I can contribute in a positive way to the family's finances. 

My husband also clarified that he doesn't mind if I work on my book or family history or organizing my closet—as long as I don't focus solely on one activity to the exclusion of all others (he calls them mono-activities). That is so difficult for me (with the combination of a slow warm up to activities because of depression and then hyperfocus because of obsessive compulsive tendencies and hypomania) because I'm afraid it will disappear when the next wave of depression hits. That's what happened with my book. 

Yesterday evening, I watched 1.5 videos from that organization program I bought because I couldn't focus on actually doing something. (She is the one I had the complimentary call with that inspired me to start writing my book.) She taught "the self-coaching model" in the first video. She explained that a way to process emotion is to try to describe what is happening to an alien, who has no idea what human emotion feels like. That was a different way of thinking about it, but I don't know if it will help. As you know, that's the part that I've never been able to figure out. I started crying again because it all felt so futile. 

I decided to "give up" and go to bed early again. I continued to listen to "Grace Where You Are" by Emily Freeman, but that seemed to make my tears worse. I know that I have a really good life. I don't have struggles like the pioneers or people who have cancer or are blind, but sometimes my emotional instability is more than I feel that I can handle. My husband was very sweet and he just sat by me last night as I kept having waves of tears. (He reminded me that this has happened before and it will pass like it always does. It's almost impossible for me to remember that in the darkness of that moment, though.) 

My husband also said that I make him feel good because I always believe he can do more than he can do and it encourages him to do more than he normally would be able to. I'm grateful that there is something I'm doing right in our relationship. He wants me to practice focusing on my divine worth to Jesus, since that's what I believe. That works well when I'm feeling healthy, but I get very upset with myself during times like this when I'm floundering. He says that's exactly when I need to practice it, so I will keep trying. 

Today, when I was watching our grandson, I cleared some of the excess clutter out of his play pen (sometimes we give him empty bottles and other "garbage" to play with because he loves them so much more than toys). In that moment, I realized that I need to continue clearing out anything that makes me feel like I don't measure up. I'm not cool and stylish like Jody Moore and Hilary Weeks. 

I don't have the ability to make any money like my life coach or them. But I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to be productive or influential to be valuable; I just need to be the best me that I can each day. I need to love and give in ways that I am able to on that day—not any other day and not like other people do. As I uncover who I really am through more simplicity, I will be able to love myself more and more. I know that was the Spirit speaking because I'm not confident enough to just write that normally. 

So I thought I should share it with my coach also. I'm nervous about our final sessions. I want them to be productive and I want to follow my coach's counsel. I know I was led to her, but I just don't know why—since I haven't been able to figure out my thoughts and feelings very well.

My Answer (October 3–4, 2020)

• Update to my life coach after evening session of General Conference on October 3rd: 

I feel much more grounded now that I've listened to six hours of conference talks and calming music. And have cried a bucket full of tears. 

During the women's meeting, I made the hard decision to delete Jody Moore off Instagram and unsubscribed from her podcast. I literally sobbed when I pushed those buttons, but I felt the Lord whispering that I need to focus more on the simple and basic truths of the gospel to refill my tank. She was one of the reasons I found my coach, though, and I'm grateful for that. Perhaps, I will find a new therapist because of those promptings this morning as well.

• Update to my life coach before morning session of General Conference on October 4th:

The answer to my struggles has descended powerfully upon me overnight. 

Picture from Jasper National Park in Alberta, Canada
(I'm not sure who to give photo credit to.)

I have spent so much time trying to figure out my brain and feelings (which are both damaged because of mortality) over the past six months that I have completely turned my life upside down. Jesus is my answer. If you're able to support me in that, I welcome your help. I also welcome your prayers. 

I'm all in with this new model. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Are you interested in coaching me with this? 

* My coach replied:  Absolutely!!! He is the answer to everything.

The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)

• I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog): 

I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up. 

Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th. 

That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away). 

During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book. Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point. 

In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft. She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support. 

I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017). 

On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson. 

I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her. My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also. 

As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in. 

I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck. 

I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November. So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.

Sabbath Success (August 30, 2020)

This is an updated section in a later version of my book. (I'm not going to keep trying to format it in double spacing because the HTML is too time consuming to fix when I transfer it from my word docs.)

Through coaching, I’m learning that stress doesn’t have to be a problem. I don’t have to let stress paralyze me and I definitely don’t have to fix the stress of other people. I can always choose to focus on faith instead. Two other helpful questions my coach has asked are, “What if you decided not to worry?” and “What if you decided to let God handle situations out of your control?” 

I emailed the following thoughts to my life coach on June 10, 2020, “I just need to feel that I'm enough right where I am. If I can do that, then the Savior can do his miraculous work of turning me into a better person than I have the ability to be on my own. Plus, Jody Moore is always saying the worst thing that can happen is a feeling. She often brings up the fact that we're all just humans and the human experience is hard. I do believe that everyone is usually doing the best they can with what they know—I need to remember that includes me. You have both talked about having compassion for myself and my human condition, just like I would have compassion on a friend who is struggling like I am.” 

I appreciated this reply from my coach, “The truth is whatever we are in this moment has to be enough because it’s just where we are. We know and God knows we will keep progressing, so it can just be enough in this moment . . . Until then, keep managing your expectations on where you think you should be with your growth. What if you are exactly where you need to be in this moment? This is where we trust God’s timing in what we need to hear, how we need to hear it, and when we hear it to change us.” 

My coach emailed the following counsel to me on July 24, 2020, “We just notice our patterns and stay in awareness. Writing out what is on your mind every day is a great way to keep looking at the thoughts jumping into your brain pool. We can also stay in awareness by noticing how we are feeling in certain situations—then trying to understand what thoughts were causing that emotion. We can then decide to feel something else or begin by just noticing the feeling and changing it over time.” 

I only ended up doing three “thought downloads” during August 2020 because I was finishing the first draft and part of the second draft of this book. 

I started to panic when I realized we only had six coaching sessions left. I wanted to postpone them because I still needed to work on the book revisions and I was disappointed in myself for not being more dedicated to making changes in my thinking in between sessions. She challenged me on my all or nothing thinking and explained that this was the perfect time to continue working with her. She then encouraged me again to start doing the daily thought downloads. I also postponed studying in the Come Follow Me program while I was writing this book—because I was looking up scriptures and conference talks during the whole process. I have missed it though. 

Today is August 30, 2020 and, since it was the Sabbath, I decided to do a thought download and then studied in Alma 31 (where I left off), instead of in Helaman (where the rest of the church is currently studying). I realized during my thought download that thinking I’m running out of time with coaching is coming from a scarcity mindset, rather than from abundance. I have also been battling with my harsh self-critic a lot lately. 

Verse 35 is part of Alma’s prayer, “Their souls are precious . . . therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee.” I received some strong personal revelation when I read that and I wrote the following note to remind myself because it was not my natural way of thinking. “I am precious. God can give me power and wisdom to think and feel that truth.” 

Then I reread another verse I had been thinking about recently, “We will hide away our swords, yea, even we will bury them deep in the earth, that they may be kept bright, as a testimony that we have never used them” (Alma 24:16). I added a cross-reference link, along with this note, “Bury the sword of my rebellion against myself (in the form of shame, perfectionistic guilt, doubt, and fear)—as a testimony that I will no longer allow me to treat myself with harsh self-judgement. Don’t allow myself to think and feel in ways that disrespect what God has created.” 

The sacrament prayer was the final piece to this much needed personal revelation, “That they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember hm and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them” (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77). I ended the note this way, “As I remember Christ and have faith in Him, He will help me love myself more fully and apply His mercy to my thinking.” Wow. 

The truth is that I am trying, working, changing, and succeeding. However, life as a human is still messy—and that is okay. “Nothing has gone wrong,” as my coach frequently reminds me. My job is to not contribute to the mess by layering on negative emotion. Truth is truth, whether it is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I’m so grateful for powerful, life changing thoughts that will gradually become my own perspective with practice.