Chapter 8: Living Productively with Mental Illness

            I have struggled with depression, some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety (especially in social situations) for most of my life. My clinical diagnosis is Bipolar II Disorder, which is less severe than Bipolar I. It includes depressive episodes, alternating with some mild euphoric episodes called hypomania, along with some periods of relatively stable mood. Depression, whether it’s a from a chemical imbalance or a response to difficult situations, affects every aspect of a person’s life. I often felt like I was figuratively slogging through the mud in a thick fog. It negatively affects the way I feel about myself, my relationships with others, and my connection to God. It distorts my thinking, drains my energy, and shatters my hope. It is so much deeper than a case of the blues and a person can’t just “pull up their bootstraps” or “snap out of it” as some people erroneously believe.

            At several times in my life, I have been desperate for some positive change, but I felt helpless to move forward. With the support of my family, I have worked with psychiatrists who have experience prescribing the right type, combination, and dosage of medication for a chemical imbalance. That process often requires careful observation and adjustments over time. I have simultaneously worked with several psychologists and therapists who have helped teach me tools and skills to cope better with my emotional struggles. That process sometimes requires patience to find a comfortable client-provider fit. A good therapist provides a safe environment to work through struggles with an effective balance of empathy and encouragement. Those two steps are very important, but they are usually just the beginning steps in the journey. They helped me start to climb out of the deep, dark pit that felt so real and all-encompassing and over the initial overwhelming hump. That part of recovery isn’t always well understood, but it is foundational to the process.

            I knew the medication was working within the first few days because I could start functioning again and I felt my real personality beginning to return over the following weeks.  Then I had to work very hard each day to continue to progress. In 2011, the Lord taught me how to change by focusing on one thing at a time – the scriptures use the terms “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30) and “…continued from grace to grace…” (D&C 93:13). I needed to be willing to develop new habits, even if I didn't feel like it or think it was possible. Although it seemed completely counter-intuitive, I was finally able to push through the level of depression and anxiety that was debilitating to a more manageable level after practicing those habits for quite a while. During that time, I had to re-train my brain to think more clearly. I learned to think about my progress in terms of “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing.” I needed to work diligently to overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. It was important to learn how to be gentler with myself, especially when it appeared I had failed. Then I had to learn to rebound every time I fell. I try to never compare myself to others, but only to myself, to make sure I continue to progress as steadily as possible at my own pace. 

            One of the most important things I started doing was to walk to destinations all over town to give me a relatively safe way to practice leaving the house. I continued to spend time walking out in the sun—especially on gray days, when it was difficult to notice the sun. That helped the endorphins to start flowing. The fresh air (and vitamin D) also helps to keep my emotional perspective realistic. In addition, it was really important for me to listen to inspirational and upbeat music. (The songs that helped me the most are by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks.)  Music with positive lyrics helps change my thinking more quickly when I get stuck in a figurative rut and it helps my thoughts to begin spiraling upward, instead of their natural tendency to spiral downward. The final missing link for me was people and I will discuss the importance of that in the next section of my journey.

            In addition to sincere prayer, I asked for priesthood blessings and they have strengthened me along the way. The Savior’s atonement has helped me during every step of this process. I was willing to do the difficult work, but His power made it all happen. My struggles with depression aren’t completely over, but my life is significantly different now than it was a decade ago when I was so depressed and anxious the majority of the time. I want to emphasize that my progress has been a balanced effort with many contributing factors, but the main factor is my willingness to keep moving my feet. I continued to take small steps in various areas of my life and gradually built more productive habits. I have made slow, but relatively steady, progress. There have been many challenges along the way and there will continue to be more in the future. However, I’m confident that as I continue to apply these principles, I won’t be defeated.