Self-reflection and Perfectionism: part 1

Posting on this blog has been a stressful and unsettling experience for me. I think that stems from my lack of self-confidence and lack of experience, which stirs up my lingering perfectionism. I'm not sure how to write a "good" blog post and I'm especially not sure how to write a book. 

My husband wonders why I am doing it. For now, it's because several people have encouraged me to write a book and this blog is a baby step in that direction. A second reason is to practice pushing through these unsettling feelings and gain more control over my perfectionistic tendencies. (It may also be that I need to save my emotional energy for being a babysitting grandma in the very near future.)

I took a picture of the cover of a classmate's journal a few months ago and I cropped it down to this statement earlier this morning. With that background, here is the next section of my research paper from English 2010:

            Many academic journal articles explain the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. “Adaptive perfectionism is related to setting high goals for oneself” and striving for achievement in a positive way (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report higher life satisfaction . . . less depression and anxiety, and higher active coping and psychological flexibility” (947). This type of perfectionist also experiences more self-acceptance when they fail to reach their high standards (Alan and Wang 258). In contrast, “Maladaptive perfectionism . . . is related to setting unrealistically high standards and high levels of self-criticism and self-doubt” (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report lower life satisfaction . . . higher depression and anxiety, and higher avoidant coping and psychological inflexibility” (947). 

            In their academic journal article, Alan and Wang specifically addressed the relatively homogeneous religious culture of Utah County. In addition to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, they defined scrupulosity as a type of obsessive-compulsive way people engage in excessive religious behaviors (258). Although perfectionism and scrupulosity are different, there is a potential overlap. Maladaptive perfectionism causes a person to never feel good enough, which can lead to scrupulosity, with an excessive focus on what the person perceives as their sins (258). Their study also suggested this could lead to a pattern of living the religion out of fear, rather than approaching it from faith (258). Learning to be less psychologically rigid and practicing faith with more flexibility can increase overall well-being (258). This can also help to ease the pressure of perfectionism.

            According to Patrick Steffen, adaptive perfectionism is also correlated with intrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by increased life satisfaction (947). Conversely, maladaptive perfectionism is correlated with extrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by decreased life satisfaction (947). However, when the negative effects of maladaptive perfectionism are reduced, people find more positive life satisfaction in both intrinsic and extrinsic religious worship (947). To generalize the results of his study, another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women is learning to separate intrinsic worth from extrinsic religious worship.

            In 2013, UVU professor Kris Doty-Yells conducted a qualitative research study on perfectionism (Devlin). She described the negative aspects of perfectionism as being toxic. She explained that toxic perfectionists judge themselves by impossible standards to look, do, and be perfect (Devlin). This is a common theme among women in Utah County and specifically in members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It often translates into unrealistic expectations of always having clean and orderly homes, well-behaved children, happy marriages, and lives filled with service in church and community settings (Devlin). This lifestyle of focusing only on success, while avoiding failure, isn’t sustainable and often leads to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy (Devlin).

            Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher who has written several books on the topics of perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she explained:

Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. (56)

She concluded, “It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist” because “your self-worth is on the line” (56).

            In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David D. Burns adds to that description of perfectionism: “You defeat yourself with inappropriate goals and standards. You will settle for nothing short of a magnificent performance in anything you do, so you frequently end up having to settle for just that—nothing” (90). He shared an experience from a female client who “spent her days in bed” and felt she had failed her children because she didn’t intervene in their lives (93). That sounded very much like the three years between 2008 and 2010 when I experienced a paralyzing crisis with depression and anxiety after both of our children were in school. I spent most of that time on my laptop because I couldn’t deal with my life. I now realize that it was probably because I couldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself as a mother, wife, and LDS church member in this culture of toxic perfectionism. Jan Devlin explained:

Self-evaluation can be a good thing when it helps us to move towards a goal. However, there is a vast difference between, “I need to spend more time with my family” and “I’m a terrible mother.” Excessive self-criticism backfires because it leads us to focus on our so-called failures instead of the simple ways that we could progress. (Wasatch Family Therapy)

            Jody Moore is a very influential life coach who specializes in helping LDS women with their struggles. An episode of her podcast contained a helpful summary of perfectionism. She explained:  

Perfectionism is not the same as doing your very best. It is not the same as striving for more and better. Instead, it is a means by which we deprive ourselves of feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment and pride. Rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and complete, we fixate on what is missing or wrong and it can impact so many areas of our lives. (29 Jan. 2016)