Perfectionism: part 2

            Several academic journal articles also explain that there are three general dimensions of perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection of self, whereas other-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection from others (Haring, et al. 144). Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when a person feels that others expect perfection of them personally (144). This third type of perfectionist feels that others are strictly judging their performance and will only be satisfied if their personal behavior meets those unrealistic expectations (144). These dimensions of perfectionism negatively affect the relationships these people have with others and are often associated with depression (144). Adjusting unrealistic expectations is a way to limit the stress and ease the pressure which results from the introspective self-blame associated with maladaptive perfectionism (144).

            In addition to those three general dimensions of perfectionism, several academic journal articles discussed five other aspects of perfectionism: extremely high personal standards, concern over mistakes, self-doubt, high parental expectations and criticism, and a strong preference for order and organization (Adams 64). All five of these aspects are at play with the perfectionism in my own life. As the oldest child, my parents had very high expectations of me and I was convinced they would be disappointed with me if those expectations weren’t met. Even as an adult, I still worry at times about disappointing them. I also have high expectations for myself and I work very hard to always do my best and to avoid mistakes in all aspects of my life. This often results in indecision and sometimes procrastination because I know how much effort it actually takes to do my best. 

            In his journal article, Michael D. Adams also explained that “the moral or religious expectations contained within the standards of a particular belief system can function as a measure of the self” (62). He continued:

Religious individuals may equate whether or not they are acceptable to God and significant others within their religious community with their ability to meet the religious standards of their faith community. When individuals fail to live up to these standards, they often experience high levels of shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. In addition, religious individuals may experience higher levels of anxiety and self-criticism based on perceived sins, prophecies of future events, and their worrying about their own salvation or the salvation of others. (62)

            This is a description of religious perfectionism and it is very common among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Adams 62). As a life-long member of this church, I have struggled on some level with everything in that description, especially while I was serving a full-time proselyting mission. During those eighteen months, I felt like I never measured up to the ideal (or “perfect”) missionary. The mission is also where I met my future husband, which is ironic, since he and our two adult children no longer believe.

            Their unbelief has complicated my struggle because one of the main teachings in the LDS church is that family relationships continue beyond death for eternity (Adams 73). Another closely related teaching is that everyone will be judged for their actions on earth to determine their eternal condition in the afterlife (73). In order to cope with the ongoing dissonance between those teachings and my family members’ unbelief, I have gradually learned to incorporate some of the counsel from the previously mentioned academic journal articles. I have tried to be more flexible in my faith, while adjusting the expectations I have for myself and my family members. I have recently wondered if this unexpected situation has given me a chance to become more clear about what I personally believe (separate from my dad on one extreme and my husband on the other) and to continue to learn how to step away from my perfectionistic tendencies.

            Another academic journal article discussed the way other fundamentalist Christian sects also focus on perfectionism (with its unrealistic expectations), which can lead to dysfunction in individual lives and families (Heise and Steitz 11). The writers suggested focusing on spiritual growth, rather than on spiritual perfection (11). This emphasis is similar to twelve-step programs, rather than structured religion (11). When people equate perfection with living a sinless life, they are misinterpreting the Bible’s meaning and they set themselves up to fail, since all humans make mistakes (12).

            Professor Cassy Budd explored the biblical meaning of perfection in a speech at Brigham Young University. She summarized this explanation by a professor in their linguistics department:

Our understanding of the word perfect has changed over the last 400 years: whereas we use perfect to mean “flawless” today, its Latinate root meant something closer to “finished.” Furthermore, the Hebrew word that was translated as “perfect” in the Bible might have been more accurately translated as “complete.” Perfection, for us, is not about being flawless; it is about being finished. (14 Feb. 2017)

That finishing process is ongoing throughout our lives. During my visits and walks with women over the past six years, we have often discussed how perfectionism is a type of counterfeit to actual perfection. Since perfection isn’t actually attainable in this life, we wonder why so many of us still try so hard to achieve it.

            As I have researched the topic of perfectionism, I have been reminded that most strengths, if taken to an extreme, can become a weakness. If perfectionism harms relationships or disrupts normal life functioning, then that’s the line between adaptive (healthy) and maladaptive or toxic (unhealthy) perfectionism. I have worked with several mental health professionals since I returned from my full-time mission in 1994. Over those twenty-five years, six psychologists, one psychiatrist, and two marriage and family therapists have been helpful in my efforts to overcome the negative effects of perfectionism, which have contributed to the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced for most of my life. Three phrases I learned during therapy sessions have helped most with easing the pressure of perfectionism in my own life. One phrase focuses my attention from “all or nothing” to “small or something.” A second phrase I repeat often is “practice makes progress,” instead of “practice makes perfect.” A third phrase reminds me that each person “needs to work with the brain they have.” In my research, I have discovered several related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. I will discuss these in the following post.

P.S. I posted that without any angst this time. Progress!