Chapter 27: Faith, Prayer, and Miracles

 Yesterday, was a difficult day. The combination of several circumstances left me feeling helpless, resentful, and angry (which are all extremely uncomfortable emotions for me). I've also felt growing pressure to finish this book and hit another writer's block this week. I went to sleep last night feeling somewhat defeated. However, this morning, I fell to my knees and pleaded for help to get back on track. That help came and I'm so grateful. As I researched and wrote this chapter, I gradually felt my hope and confidence returning. 

            I experienced daily miracles during my experiences with visiting, family history work, and temple worship. I regularly received confidence and ability beyond my own. I often came home and shared these experiences with my family. I am so grateful for these miracles and have made it a point to celebrate them each time they occur. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song that contains this same idea. It's title is “Love Your Life” (from the Love Your Life CD, 2016) and I share part of the lyrics, with her permission:

…Celebrate the everyday miracles surrounding you and always assume the best

Do what you can, give everything you have then give God the rest

…And don’t be afraid to shine

…Go beyond your fears

Explore new ground

Be true to yourself

And when in doubt

Listen to your heart as it whispers where you need to go and always look up

Make somebody smile every chance you get and don’t forget

You’re already enough

…And give your dreams time…

            Two quotes that inspire me are originally attributed to Albert Einstein. The first is, “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” A good friend shared a way of saying this that resonates even more with me, “There are no coincidences. There are only miracles where God chooses to be anonymous.” The second quote is even more compelling: “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I choose to believe that all good fortune is a miracle. I have found that when I look for miracles, I find them scattered like God’s fingerprints throughout my day. When in doubt, I always give credit to God. I have written about some of these miracles and “divine intersections” in other chapters. In this chapter, I will focus on the doctrine behind those miracles.

            Ronald A. Rasband explained, “Our lives are like a chessboard, and the Lord moves us from one place to another—if we are responsive to spiritual promptings. Looking back, we can see His hand in our lives…. They are not by accident but by God’s plan. We can see such heavenly intervention when Nephi returns to get the plates from Laban. He 'was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things [that he] should do' (1 Nephi 4:6)…. Did Alma just happen upon Amulek? No, it was no coincidence that he went into the city by the way that would lead him to this faithful man who would (feed him and) become his missionary companion…. He who fashioned this world can calm the seas with His word and can steer both Alma and Amulek and Nephi and Laban to be at the right place at precisely the right time. Likewise, events and associations unfold in each of our lives that further God’s work on earth…. What may appear to be a random chance is, in fact, overseen by a loving Father in Heaven…. The Lord is in the small details of our lives, and those incidents and opportunities are to prepare us to lift our families and others… Remember, as the Lord said to Abraham, 'I know the end from the beginning; therefore my hand shall be over thee'" (Abraham 2:8).

            I have mentioned several of these experiences from my own life in this book and he shared a few from his. He continued, “Looking back, I realize I did not orchestrate any of those moves; the Lord did, just as He is orchestrating important moves for you and for those you love. What should you be looking for in your own life? What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, ‘I am right here’? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement. Sometimes we consider changes in our plans as missteps on our journey. Think of them more as first steps to being ‘on the Lord’s errand.’ …Heavenly Father can put us in situations with specific intent in mind. He has done so in my life, and He is doing so in yours…. Each of us is precious and loved by the Lord, who cares, who whispers, and who watches over us in ways unique to each of us. He is infinitely wiser and more powerful than mortal men and women. He knows our challenges, our triumphs, and the righteous desires of our hearts….The Lord loves to be with us. It is no coincidence that when you are feeling His Spirit and acting on first promptings that you feel Him as He promised: ‘I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.’”

                He continued with this explanation, “Now, where does our agency fit in a ‘divine design’? We have a choice to follow or to not follow our Savior… Not all that the Lord asks of us is a result of how strong we are, how faithful we are, or what we may know. Think of Saul, whom the Lord stopped on the road to Damascus. He was going the wrong direction in his life…. Saul was divinely redirected. When he was known later as Paul, his apostolic ministry reflected what the Lord already knew he was capable of doing and becoming, not what he had set out to do as Saul. In the same manner, the Lord knows what each of us is capable of doing and becoming. What did the Apostle Paul teach? ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose' (Romans 8:28). When we are righteous, willing, and able, when we are striving to be worthy and qualified, we progress to places we never imagined and become part of Heavenly Father’s ‘divine design.’ Each of us has divinity within us. When we see God working through us and with us, may we be encouraged, even grateful for that guidance. When our Father in Heaven said, ‘This is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man,’ He was talking about all of His children—you in particular. The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By ‘divine design,’ He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, ‘Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths.’ I testify that He will bless you, sustain you, and bring you peace" (“By Divine Design,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

          Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God not only loves (us), but he is ever mindful of (us) and of (our) needs…. God does nothing by chance, but always by design as a loving father…. William Law observed: ‘It is said that the very hairs of your head are all numbered; is it not to teach us that nothing, not the smallest things imaginable, happen to us by chance? But if the smallest things we can conceive of are declared to be under the divine direction, need we, or can we, be more plainly taught that the greatest things of life, such as the manner of our coming into the world, our parents, the time, and other circumstances of our birth and condition, are all according to the eternal purposes, direction, and appointment of divine Providence?’” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

            David A. Bednar explained, “Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Recall how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them comfortless. Not only would He send 'another Comforter' (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18). Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings” (“The Tender Mercies of the Lord,” Ensign, May 2005).

            I once gave a lesson about prayer to the women in our congregation. Prayer is a powerful way to invite miracles into our lives. Ezra Taft Benson testified, “God is mindful of us and ready to respond to our prayers when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is power in prayer. All things are possible through prayer. It was through prayer that the heavens were opened in this dispensation” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 54). When he was just 14 years old, Joseph Smith read this passage in James 1:5-6, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not [upbraid means: to criticize severely or find fault with]; and it shall be given him.  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering…”

            Ezra Taft Benson explained, “God does hear and answer prayers…. I know without any question that it is possible for men and women to reach out in humility and prayer and tap that Unseen Power; to have prayers answered. Man does not stand alone, or at least, he need not stand alone. Prayer will open doors; prayer will remove barriers; prayer will ease pressures; prayer will give inner peace and comfort during times of strain and stress and difficulty. Thank God for prayer. Even during hours of trial and anxiety, it is possible to draw close to the Lord, to feel of his influence and of his sustaining power—that one is never alone, if he will only humble himself before the Almighty. I am grateful for that testimony, for that assurance. God is mindful of us and ready to respond when we place our trust in Him and do that which is right. There is no place for fear among men and women who place their trust in the Almighty, who do not hesitate to humble themselves in seeking divine guidance through prayer. Though … reverses come, in prayer we can find reassurance, for God will speak peace to the soul. That peace, that spirit of serenity, is life’s greatest blessing” (“Pray Always,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 55).

            In The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Jesus visited the people on the American continent after his crucifixion. He taught, “And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Nephi 18:20). Prayer and faith are two of my favorite topics in the Bible dictionary and they work together to produce miracles. The Bible dictionary explains, “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings” (“Prayer,” Bible Dictionary).

      The Bible dictionary explains, “Faith is a principle of action and of power, and by it one can … influence any number of circumstances when occasion warrants… Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfillment of the things hoped for…. Although faith is a gift, it must be… sought after… Where there is true faith there are miracles… and all the gifts of God that He gives…” (“Faith,” Bible Dictionary).

      Neal L. Anderson described faith in a way that was extremely powerful for me. In fact, I printed it out and it has hung at eye level above my desk since 2015. He explained, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air. ….Faith emits a spiritual light, and that light is discernible. Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek it and hold on to it. Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker…. The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice” (“Faith is Not by Chance, but By Choice,” Ensign, May 2015). In the New Testament, Jesus taught, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you” (Matthew 17:20). I have often wondered how this could be physically possible. One day, I realized very clearly that figurative mountains of fear, doubt, and other struggles can be moved through faith in Christ.

            I wrote about grace in a previous chapter, but I wanted to save one part for this chapter. Shawna Edwards lives in our previous neighborhood. She wrote a song called The Miracle. These are the powerful words that bring tears to my eyes every time I hear it, “Jesus is a God of miracles. Nothing is at all impossible to Him. But I know this: Of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me.” She described in a blog post how the lyrics came to her and closes with these powerful words, “The Atonement of Jesus Christ really does rescue us – every minute of every hour of every day.” (“The Miracle,” Shawna Edwards Music, 15 Nov 2014). The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ explains this well, “Thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I… knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen…. Wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole” (Enos 1:5-8).

            S. Michael Wilcox explained a powerful way to pray that I am still trying to apply in my life. “The soul can be described as a vessel that fills from time to time with various emotions, thoughts, memories, questions, and so forth. The very phrase pour out suggests this visual image. I have found it useful to see my soul as a vessel; I often ask myself what it contains before I kneel before the Lord. There is a difference to my approach when I say ‘I’m going to pour out my soul to God’ rather than ‘I’m going to say my prayers.’ The very phrase suggests there will be no holding back…. It is helpful to me to understand or recognize exactly what is in my soul. I must be totally honest with myself. Is it confusion, or doubt, or sorrow, or love, or gratitude, or guilt, or shame, or worry?... I sense that unless we pour out, He cannot pour in. We want to make sure we empty everything to make room for what he will give us in return.” (Face to Face: Seeking a Personal Relationship with God, 25-26).

            I love these powerful phrases from the Doctrine and Covenants: “Pray always, that you may come off conquerer... that you may conquer Satan…” (10:5). “Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing... even more than if you should obtain treasures of earth…” (19:38). “Calling on the name of the Lord for the Comforter, which shall teach (you) all things that are expedient for (you) – Praying always that (you) faint not...” (75:10-11). My mom’s favorite scripture has always been, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good…” (90:24). Since it’s not always possible to pray on our knees, we can pray in our mind throughout the day. The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ wisely counsels, “Let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto Him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” (Alma 34:27). The combination of faith and prayer invites miracles into our lives. The more we look for miracles with grateful eyes and hearts, the more we will see and feel them.

Uncertainty... and Celebrating Progress

I've received many email responses and several people had comments about the title. I'm still uncertain about what I will ultimately choose. However, the book is about much more than just perfectionism. So, although I really like that combination of words, I may not end up using it. I may also use "Walking with Wendi" in a different place on the cover, instead of in the title. John is still convinced that it would be the best title, but I've never been sure about that. 

I divided what I've written so far into six easier to print docs with page breaks. I am really excited to actually see how much I've written so far! It really is a miracle. I originally printed out about 30 pages and then I printed out 65 pages on July 23rd. This time, there are 130 pages. I am responding to emails today, but then I really need to get back to writing!

Possible Title of Book

I'm still not feeling well, so I rested all day yesterday and didn't write anything. However, my husband suggested that I title the book "Walking with Wendi" afterall. So here is a possible combination of the two titles (actually, a title and subtitle) ~

 Walking with Wendi: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress

 and Other Perspective Shifts of a Recovering Perfectionist

I also emailed 120 friends and relatives about the progress on the book. I hope it will provide more momentum for me to continue writing, rather than putting too much pressure on myself. We shall see... 

Progress on Chapter 25

This afternoon, I returned to the outline for the previous post and wrote six paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. 

I'm not sure exactly what I will be writing for the remaining chapters, so the progress may not be as fast as it has been with the previous chapters. I will still write a brief post each day about my progress for accountability purposes.

Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning

* I didn't feel well today, so I rested. However, I do still want to write something. I'm going to list the college classes I may want to write about in this chapter. (I returned the next day, August 4th, to write several paragraphs in place of the first three bullet points. I also added two pictures on August 15th and finished writing this chapter in a separate post that day.)

           Prior to beginning my official classes at Utah Valley University in fall 2015, I took an eight week class during the summer for adults making some kind of transition in their lives. This Successful Life Management class was offered through Turning Point and was held on UVU’s west campus. It was held twice each week and provided good practice for me to become accustomed to driving there and being on a school schedule again. At first, I chose the morning class, but ended up not feeling well one of the mornings. This program required that the class be made up that evening or you had to wait until the next set of classes to complete the program. So I attended the class that evening and it was clear almost immediately that this class was the one I needed to continue attending. The curriculum validated many of the changes I had already made up to that point. Since I was still continuing my visiting journey, it also gave me the opportunity to get to know more people. I made a point to talk with the students before and after class and became friends with two of the women. Sometimes, I talked with the teacher after class as well and felt a strong connection to her.

            This class required our attendance, but didn’t have homework or tests. However, we were each expected to make a poster that described us, which we would present during the final class. We needed to search magazines for pictures or words to use for this assignment, since we couldn’t write anything on it. A friend in our ward gave me a gift subscription to Country magazine earlier that year and it provided a variety of beautiful pictures to choose from. I decided to use the four seasons as a theme for my poster and focused on favorite activities or things I enjoyed about each season. Spring included pictures of purple wildflowers, daisies, daffodils, and rainbows. It also included  several phrases I pieced together: “Here comes the sun,” “you can change your life with every step,” “I’m always amazed by the beauty God made for us,” and “hope after the storm.” Summer included pictures of water flowing over rocks in a river, lighthouses near beaches, and sunsets, along with the phrase “walking on sunshine.” Autumn included pictures of leaves changing colors, blue sky over mountains, and the view of a full moon looking through Delicate Arch, since most of our family vacations have included Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. Winter included a picture of a little boy and girl holding hands while they walked through the snow, which represented our two children. I also included the phrase “walking in a wonderland” and a quote: “strong is the tree that bends with the wind then bounces back again.” That quote reminds me of the importance of flexibility and resilience, which are two character traits I’m constantly trying to develop. I was really happy about the way the poster turned out and John suggested that I frame it. So I stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way home from that last class, splurged, and had it framed in a large black frame with a medium blue matte. I hung it on the wall in our bedroom of the previous house and in my office of the new house. It is like a picture window looking outward to my dreams and a constant reminder of who I have become.

            When I began to take actual college classes, I realized that I needed to limit myself to six or nine credits each semester, so that I could save part of my energy for my family and visiting. It would take longer to earn a degree, but it would allow me to keep some balance in my life over the coming months and years. The goal to return to college and earn a degree is among the most difficult challenges I’ve faced and it stretched me beyond what I thought I could endure a few times. Even though I still had many stressful moments, I continued to apply the coping skills I learned over the previous years of challenging myself physically, emotionally, and socially. Another important element of my success was to attend every class (with very few exceptions) and not postpone doing homework or studying for tests. When I attended college for those two semesters as a young adult, I was overcome with anxiety and depression. However, some of that could have been avoided by steadier attendance and less procrastination. Because I allowed myself to take classes at my own speed, I enjoyed the process of learning overall, and ended up earning an associate degree with high honors – which means I earned all As (with one A- in Statistics, which was a true miracle!). I will share a few specific experiences in the paragraphs that follow.

            During my first semester in Fall 2015, I took Marriage and Relationship Skills and General Psychology on campus. In addition, I chose to take Foundations of Human Nutrition online (because I was terrified of taking college Biology and this class was a prerequisite to Nutrition 2020, which would mercifully fulfill my biology requirement). It’s not a coincidence that I took Marriage and Relationship Skills my first semester at UVU. The teacher was an adjunct professor and also an academic advisor in the Behavioral Science department. She had been through a divorce and was currently in her second marriage with several significant challenges. I was surprised at how open she was about sharing her experiences, but it created an atmosphere that felt safe for sharing our own challenging experiences. Since I was one of the only married people in that class, I ended up commenting a lot. I was open about the struggles I had over our differences in religious beliefs and used my situation as the subject of several of my papers. One of the books we studied was the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. An important lesson I learned from that book was to focus on solving the “solvable problems” (chapter 9) and “overcoming gridlock” with “perpetual problems” (chapter 11). Our differences in belief is considered a “perpetual problem.” One way to “overcome gridlock” is to “create shared meaning” (chapter 12). I realized I could do that by understanding the “shared goals” within my dream. My dream was to eventually have my family in the temple with me, but a strong component of that dream is the desire to have a happy, healthy family. So that became the important shared goal I could focus on, rather than constantly seeing the differences.

            As the semester progressed, I continued to feel strongly that I needed to connect with the teacher outside of class. There is a built-in familiarity barrier in the student/teacher relationship, but I really wanted to move past that. It helped that we were closer in age and we had several conversations after class that gradually overcame that barrier. We discovered we had some things in common and she convinced me to switch the emphasis of my Behavioral Science major from psychology to family studies. That way, she became my academic advisor for future semesters and we gradually became friends. I occasionally stopped by her office during each semester after that to discuss some of the struggles we had in common. I will always be grateful that I met her when I did because it was a key to my overall success in college.

            During this time, I also kept in touch occasionally by email with my teacher from Turning Point. I continued to ask if I could visit her one time as part of my ongoing journey. She finally agreed and met me at Kneaders one day in mid-November. She asked more about my faith journey at the beginning of our lunch and then I realized she had her own agenda for our visit. She had recently written a long paper with her husband about some controversy in the early days of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She wasn’t trying to argue with doctrine, she just felt that there was more spirituality to be found than the church was currently providing. She determined that I was inspired to ask for a visit with her so she could share that paper with me. I took it home and began to read it. Unfortunately, the combination of John’s unbelief and the different ideas I read in that paper caused me to have my own faith crisis. I talked over my concerns with two of my close friends several times and finally worked through them with their help. My Marriage and Relationship Skills teacher was a strong, supportive influence as well, although I didn’t share the details with her. My previous teacher continued to keep in touch with me by email and regretted giving the paper to me when she saw how it affected me. She asked me not to pass it along to anyone else, so I ripped it up and tried to move on. We have continued to be friends through email as well and I believe there was purpose in that struggle. I came out on the other end much stronger and more grounded in what I actually believe. That has served me well ever since.

            I became eligible for a scholarship from the Women’s Success Center at UVU because I took the class from Turning Point during the summer. I made the leap of faith, spent some time working on the essay, and applied for the scholarship. I later met with several people one day in an interview. They asked why I felt I deserved the scholarship, so I share my story of overcoming depression and anxiety through my visiting journey. They were visibly impressed and I earned a scholarship for the Spring 2016 semester. I still had some accommodations because of MS and my diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder, although both were currently controlled well with medicine. My previous teacher/current academic advisor helped me apply for an exception, so that I didn’t have to take the required 12 credit hours for the scholarship. The appeal was accepted and I was awarded the adjusted amount of $1,000 just after the semester began. I was grateful for that assistance, especially since John needed to pay tuition for both me and our daughter.

            During the Spring 2016 semester I took Introduction to Sociology and Introduction to Western Religions. I continued my pattern of talking with both teachers after class and learned a lot from them – both in and out of class. Two papers were required for my Western Religions class, but I asked the teacher if I could combine them into one large paper. He agreed and I wrote the paper on C.S. Lewis and The Chronicles of Narnia. I focused on the religious aspects of the author and the books in the series. I was fascinated with what I learned from my research and, although writing a research paper was an extremely stressful experience for me, I was proud of the final result. The teacher was so impressed that he gave a copy to his dad to read and I earned 100% on it. That made all the stress and effort feel worth it. In addition, the one class I wasn’t able to transfer from BYU was humanities. Therefore, I still needed to fulfill my humanities requirement, which is one of the only reasons I took this class. Plus, the poor grade I received the first time around didn’t transfer to pull down my cumulative GPA. (So, literally nothing was wasted from my previous college experiences.)  

            My Sociology teacher was an adjunct professor who attended the Lutheran church and she had been married for about 40 years to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So we spent a lot of time discussing religion and also life, in general. I walked her out to her car after class on most days, since she didn’t teach another class after ours and we continued our conversation while she smoked a couple of cigarettes before heading home. Among other things, talking with her helped me solidify my understanding of grace and I focused more on Christ’s grace in my life after that. One of the assignments for Sociology class was to attend another church and write a short paper about it. I chose to attend a Lutheran church close to our home on Palm Sunday and John came with me. It was a good experience and fit well with my Western Religions class also. I will always be grateful for the way both of those classes influenced my life for good.

Title, Dedication, and Acknowledgements

I decided today on a possible title for the book I've been writing: 

Practice Makes Perfect Progress 

and Other Perspective Shifts for the Recovering Perfectionist

I wrote this dedication: To John, who always sees my potential and worth, even when I don't. 

I also spent several hours writing the Acknowledgements: 

            This book is the product of my experiences with hundreds of people. My sincere gratitude goes to all who have influenced me along my journey. It would be impossible for me to create a complete list, but I will take this opportunity to thank many people by name. I’ve grouped them into different periods of my life. Several people fit in more than one area, but I’ve chosen the one that best fits the way they influenced me most.

            To John, who is the hardest working and most selfless person I know. Thank you for choosing to spend your life with me. To Heather and Lance, for giving me the opportunity to be a mother. Thanks for your patience as I’ve learned and grown right along with you. To Max, who has brightened my days with his smiles, giggles, squawks, and snuggles.

            To my parents, Arnie and Cherie, who taught me by example the value of stick-to-it-iveness and service to others. Thank you for serving missions at BYU-Hawaii and Historic Kirtland, so I could have an excuse to visit those places. To my siblings: Natalie (Randy), Randy (Laura), Rob (Eve), and Cory (Karissa). Thank you for letting me visit you and your children when you lived in other states. To my grandmas, Lena and Lucile, who treated me special and passed along the desire to stay connected to my relatives.  

            To my walking friends: Corinne Jenkins, Becky Allen, Diane Knight, Kelly Chalmers; Brenda Warren, Terri Rino, Shari Soelberg; Michelle Linford, Susannah Reyneke, Bonnie Walker, Suzanne Fry; Janell Wright, Melissa Dunaway, Heather Rindlisbacher. Thank you for letting me shake my head out over and over again…and loving me through it all.

            To friends who graciously welcomed me into their homes: Susan and Doug Morrison, Ann Barlow, Cheryl Taylor, Kathy Schlendorf, and Kristyne Stephens. Thank you for countless hours of visits over several years.

            To our close neighbors (and their families) in both areas of Orem: Holly Jacobs, Christa Ringer, Michelle Chamberlain, Stori Misbach, Susan Verbic, Janet Davis; Shelby Russell, Joyce Nixon, Nicole Perry, Candice Gordon, Nichelle Jensen, April Hurt. Thank you for your kindness and patience over two decades.

            To thoughtful people who have made a difference for me spiritually or emotionally as they have served and loved me. 

Canyon View stake: Jan Martin, Joleen Black, Ruth Ann Smith, Ginger Fisher, Eileen Booth, Rob Chalmers, Mosbarger family, Diane McNeill, Colette Terry, Katie Fox, Ann Youngquist; Liz Livingston, Leesa Simmons, Paula Harper, Jennifer Greenwood, Allyson Riding, Rosana Sorensen, Karina McDonald, Sheryl Pryor, Jessica Deucher; Marlae Rindlisbacher, Sandi Monson.

Orem 6^th ward: Brekke Felt, Angela Schill, Teri Walker, Jenny and Sarah Pachev, Katrina and Mike Johanson, Shersti and Jared Pearson, Tracy Smith, Brian Nixon, Joyce Henderson, Shane Frazier, Lois Park, Rebecca Armstrong, Debbie Wimpfheimer. 

Longmont, Colorado: Dave Kenison, Tom Reed, Gary Marison, Olivers, Mary Sue Russell. 

Tallahassee, Florida: Jackie Stone, Cathrie Long, Chris Kemp, Ann Cluff, Maureen Webb. Richard Chapple, Troy Mohrman, Ken (Hunter) Bergstrom, Laurie Tiedt. Thank you for caring.  

            To kind people who have helped me with temple work: Kathy and Alan Manwaring, Pam Petroff; Lisa Johnson and Bernotski family; Marti, Greg, and Jared Tuttle; Jenkins family and Ben Cragun, Dick and Mary Jackson, Julia and Ken Cluff, Linda and Marlan Platt, Lori Duke, Carolyn Davis, Catherine and Mike Kipp, Paul Christensen, Roger Minert, Helen and Brad Prescott; Noah and Tennyson Schill, Johanson girls, Cameron and Morgan Dopp, Renee Blumel, Jenna Wolfley and Richard Lindahl; various youth in the Canyon View Stake, and Orem 6th ward. Thank you for your selfless service.

            To good people who make my temple experience even better: Ken Kleven, Van Jaeger, Ron Bartalini, Sherry Cox, Kay Heath, Louisa Howard, Debra Elvin; Cheryl Esplin, President Freestone, President Stone, Brother Eliason, Gammons; Linda Olsen, Heather Bodine, Krista Tate, Pam Hansen, Patti Bell, Sherrie Johnson, Rebekah Westfall; Amy Christensen, Gay Bailey; Michelle Caringella, Renae Gale, Carolyn, LeeAnn, and all the others who have gone out of their way to help me in the baptistry. Thank you for brightening my days.

            To those who have cared about our children and helped them (or me) in different ways: Anne Miller, Sandee and Andres Sosa, Kate Plewe; Taralyn Sorensen, Gailan Smith, Debbie Carn; Tami Rasmussen, Meg Ernstrom, Deanne Allred, Andrea Allman; Carol Walker, Melissa Dabb. Thank you for making my job as a mom just a little bit easier over the years.

            To friends who helped me become even more clear about what I believe: Ruth Thompson; Christy Hurt, Dana Mecham, Aubree Patterson, Marcela Gubler; Tracey Hamilton, Chelsea Rasmussen. Thank you for helping me see things from different perspectives. To others who challenged me to learn how to love in ways I wasn’t used to yet: Pauline Colton, Alauna Hyland, Sue Burton, Victoria Myers, Clixie Larson, Renee Wakamatsu, Andrea and Phillip Cockrell, Marshall DeGroot. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned from our experiences together.

            To friends from my childhood, teenage, and young adult years (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): 

Tallahassee, Florida: Trista Whitley, Lori Clark, Marika Chapple; Danny Bishop, Tam Nguyen, Bill Roberts, Mike Poppell, Paul Kern, Joe Caceres; Petrea Schrader, Joel Bowers, Ben Fort; Sharon Flagg, Felicia Cooke; Cheri Wright, Kacey Lewis.

Longmont, Colorado: Kristina Marzano; Karna Reed, Janae Wheeler, Karen Farnsworth; Dave Cragun, Brent Patterson, Darin Moss; Mark Wheeler, Geoff Smith. 

Orem, Utah: Angie Millet; Lisa Lawson, Becca Collyer, Jenny Clawson, Ange Walker, Jodi Sorensen; Pam Hawkes, Becky Kirby, Rob Trent, Brenda Lopez, Kim Latimer, Vaughn Porter, Poché siblings. Thank you for helping me in your unique way to become who I am today.

            To missionaries and others who were influential during my experience as a full-time missionary (I will refer to them by their pre-marriage names): TyRee Jenks, Val Roden; Cheryl Bevan, JoAnn Stock, Jeanine Bird, Carla Peterson, Rebecca Benson; Liz Baumgarten, Lalena Page, Kathy Perkins; Wheeler family, Griffin family, Dalls, Whitts, Wanda Nielsen, Terrys; Pam Curran, Aja Werkheiser, Aurora Moon; Sisters Ha, Lopez, Farrier, and Gee; Neal Larson, Justin Rasmussen, Dick and Diane Morley. Thank you for your patience, love, and examples.

            To life coaches, therapists, co-workers, and teachers I’ve worked with: Kendra Huffman, Heather Frazier, Jody Moore, Brooke Castillo, Tracy Hoth; Megan Rogers, Julie Malloy; David Paulson, Jon Skidmore; Brad Edgington, Ryan Balagna, Mitch Suyama, Heather Hoyal, Vickie Anderson; Mark Hull, Sherry Smith, Pam Christensen, Lexi Sanders, Adam Whitehead; Wanda Black, Dave Rollins, Carol Lorek, Jane Rose, and Mrs. Landreth. Thank you for all the lessons I learned during our time together.

            To the teachers, students, and secretaries at the Utah Valley University Institute of Religion: Karen Hepworth, Polly Tullis, Cassidy Hubert, David Durfey, Chelsea Chipman, Emily Mitchell, Eric Shields, Cody Orvis, Kurtis McBeth, Tyler Bartholomew, Cedi Christensen, Maren, Daniel Bradley, Todd Murdock, Valerie Christensen. Thank you for strengthening my testimony, helping with temple work, and being such an uplifting influence in my life.

            To the professors, students, and others who helped with projects during my time at Utah Valley University: Bonnie Davis, Ken White, Chris Lee, Carolyn Hamilton, Bart Poulson, Kaitlyn Pacada, Brian Birch, Karin Anderson, Lisa Johnson; Paige Seegmiller, Malorie Ward, Kimmie Henderson; Tera Johnson, Jessica Hettinger, Kassidy Nielson; Alex Boone; Ronelle Warren, Shawna Schauers, Stephanie Wright; Cynthia Tavera and Lihua Lin. Thank you for helping me succeed in my classes, so that I could achieve my goal of earning an associate degree.

            To other influential people in my life who don’t fit easily into any of the paragraphs above: Bob and Shauna Millet, Leslie Williams, Margaret Hammond, Marina Spence, Kenzie Weeks, Bradstreet family, Lisa Nerdin, Kendra Terry Senn, Kelly Christensen, Cecily Smith, Guin and Max Deaver, Becky Swasey, and Erica Larsen. Thank you for your unique way of blessing my life. In addition, I wish to thank these musicians and authors: Hilary Weeks, Shawna Edwards, Kenneth Cope; Emily Belle Freeman, David Butler, Brad Wilcox, Steven Harper, Mary Ellen Edmunds, and Sheri Dew. Thank you for your uplifting influence on me and so many others throughout the world.

            Most of all, to Heavenly Father for orchestrating potential blessings behind the scenes and for answering my prayers; to Jesus Christ for the gifts of repentance, forgiveness, and grace that flow freely from His atoning sacrifice; and to the Holy Ghost who testifies of Them and fills my soul with peace. Everything I write about in this book was influenced in some way by Them. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel, but I’ve done my best to express it in a variety of ways in the following pages.

Part 4: Seek Learning by Study and Prayer

            Our daughter graduated from high school at the end of May 2015. Shortly after graduation, she asked me to attend a tour of Utah Valley University with her. That would have normally been out of my comfort zone, but I had been visiting women for almost 21 months and those regular visits helped me deal with new situations much easier. I enjoyed going on the tour with her and took lots of pictures of all the things that caught my attention – the hall of flags, the fountain in the commons, the geometric art hanging from the library and science building ceilings, and the pendulum in the Pope Science building, etc. As we were walking down the long hall in the Liberal Arts building, the tour guide was pointing out how most class sizes are kept small at UVU. As we looked into one of the math classrooms, I suddenly had a strong prompting that I needed to go back to college. What?! That had never been on my radar. However, I knew better than to argue with those distinctive feelings that God sent me occasionally.

            I went home and addressed an envelope to request my high school transcript from Longmont High in Colorado. I also addressed two more envelopes to request my college transcripts from Weber State University (Fall 1990) and BYU (Fall 1992). Since Weber State was on the quarter system back then, I was only able to transfer 4.66 credits from the two classes I took there, but they filled the requirements for history and health. I was only able to transfer three credits from one of the four classes I took there, but it filled the requirements for human development. At the next appointment with my psychologist, I told him about my anxiety over taking the Accuplacer test for math and English. It had been over 25 years since I had taken a class in either subject and I think my ACT score was only a 21. He opened his drawer, pulled out a yellow #2 pencil, handed it to me, and said, “I want you to drive down the hill and take that test right now.” I looked at him in shock, but I could tell he was serious. So I took the pencil and followed his counsel. I ended up being placed in Math 990 (which is two classes away from the math class that counts for credit) and English 1010. After that, I paid the $25 registration fee, was assigned a student number, and made an appointment with an academic advisor in the behavioral science department. I was actually going to do this!

Chapter 22: The Importance of Authenticity

* I'm not quite finished with this chapter, but I wanted to post what I wrote so far. (I woke up at 3am and finished writing this chapter at 6am. I may or may not include "The Color Code" paragraphs in this part of the book. I may include those in an appendix at the end or I may just leave them on this blog for future reference. Either way, it was a very helpful review for me.)

            People about my age usually remember doing the personality profile test on pages 7-12 of The Color Code: A New Way To See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life written by Dr. Taylor Hartman that was published in 1987. I've taken the test several times in my life and I always come up with the same combination. I'm dominantly blue. "Blues are motivated by altruism... crave intimacy... need to be loved... and are directed by a strong moral conscience" (20-21). In the personality overview chart, the "motive" for blue personalities is "intimacy." The "needs" of blue personalities are "to be good (morally), to be understood, to be appreciated" and "acceptance" overall. The "wants" of blue personalities are "to reveal insecurities, to please others, autonomy," and "security" (21-22). The title of chapter five is "Blues: Do-Gooders." In that chapter, the subtitles explain the attributes of blue personalities. They are "emotional and admired... committed and loyal... perfectionist... high expectations and demanding... self-disciplined and stable... self-sacrificing and nurturing... unforgiving and resentful... worry and guilt... appropriate and sincere... purposeful and dedicated... moody and complex... self-righteous and insecure" (40-49). 

             "Blue strengths as an individual" are: "sees life as a serious endeavor, appreciates beauty and detail, has a strong aesthetic sense, stable and dependable (plow horse versus race horse), sincere and emotionally deep, analytical oriented (concerned with why one behaves as he/she does), high achiever, and deep sense of purpose" (49). "Blue strengths as a communicator" are: "able to enjoy sensitive and deep conversation, strong skills in empathizing with others, remembers feelings and thoughts shared in conversation, willing to give conversations time to run their course, and prefers small groups" (49). "Blue strengths as a goal setter" are: "highly disciplined, receptive to other's suggestions, strong goal orientation, plans well and superb follow through" (49)... "Blue strengths as a parent" include: "very observant, empathetic and sensitive...keeps home clean and cozy, and seeks to understand children's behavior" (50).... "Blue strengths as a friend" are: "loyal forever once friendship is established, genuine concern for other person's well-being, remembers special holidays... encouraging in times of trouble, and willing to commit time to the relationship" (50).... "Careers most likely to attract blues" include: homemaker, psychotherapist... and banker" (51), which is interesting because I am a homemaker, I wanted to grow up and be a therapist, and I worked as a bank teller for 18 months before and after my full-time proselyting mission. 

            "Blue limitations as an individual" are: "highly emotional, smug and self-righteous, controlling and/or envious of other's success when too easily obtained, strong perfection and performance orientation, and self-abusive (verbally)" (51). "Blue limitations as a communicator" are: "tends to lecture and overkill issues, feels intense on many issues, rigid with principles and unwilling to negotiate... argues primarily from emotional perspective, strong expectations for others to be sensitive and deep, and expects others to read his or her mind and know his or her feelings" (51). "Blue limitations as a goal setter" are: "sets unrealistic goals, easily discouraged when unsuccessful in accomplishments... and expects others to understand his or her goals and make them a priority" (51-52). I apply "blue limitations as a career person" to my behavior in school and as a homemaker. They include: "...feels inadequate with natural talents and creativity, shys away from public exposure and performance, establishes high and often unrealistic expectations for self and others, tend to over-plan and over-prepare, critical of self and other's work, and over-extends self" (52). "Blue limitations as a parent" include: "...can be moody and unpredictable, easily irritated by other's mistakes and shortcomings, usually loves others with strings attached, tends to give heavy doses of guilt to children, lacks ability to relax, requires a purpose in order to play, controlling of children's lifestyle and overprotective, too precise and exact with expectations, feels a clean home is a priority, accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily, not spontaneous with activities, frustrates children with unrealistic expectations, strong sense of right and wrong - badgers child when perceived as wrong, and lectures children" (52). I have improved in some of those areas, but I feel some regret over other areas. "Blue limitations as a child" are: "easily frustrated, feels guilty over minor concerns, moody and emotional (cries instead of facing issues), feels are easily hurt, martyr-like and complains about life, self-esteem is dependent on outside influences, has difficulty relaxing and often feels uncomfortable, withholds affection if angered, and waits for parents to initiate ideas and then criticizes unacceptable suggestions. (52-53). "Blue limitations as a friend" are "highly insecure about other's acceptance and approval, feels rejected easily, when depressed or depressive - feels it is friend's job to understand, can be... bitter if crossed and scarred emotionally, critical of friend's principles or activities if not similar, expects friends to maintain strong loyalty, wishes friends would communicate more often, and rarely playful and spontaneous" (53).  

            "How to develop a positive connection with blues" has a list of "do" and "don't." The "do" list includes: " emphasize their security in the relationship, be sensitive and soft spoken in your approach, be sincere and genuine, behave appropriately and well-mannered" (ha ha), "limit their risk level, promote their creativity, appreciate them... and be loyal" (53-54). The "don't" list includes: "make them feel guilty, be rude or abrupt, promote too much change, expect spontaneity, abandon them, expect them to bounce back easily or quickly from depression, demand perfection (they already expect too much from themselves), push them too quickly into making decisions, expect them to forgive quickly when crossed, and demand immediate action" (54). 

            The title for chapter eight is "Character: How To Become Your Best Color." The author explains, "Individuals develop character strengths and limitations just as they have innate personality strengths and limitations.... Though we may not be born with a particular character trait, we do appear to be more receptive and/or vulnerable to certain strengths and limitations based on our given personality color" (89). "The seven most common character strengths of...blue" are: "loyalty to people, committed, quality, sincere, honest, focused, and moral conscience" (90). "Seven most common character limitations of...blue" are: self-righteous, judgmental, easily depressed, controlling, unforgiving, suspicious, and illogical" (90). "The following list delineates common and specific ways each personality binds the character development of others.... Blues tend to take things too personally (which often causes others to lie in order to protect the insecure and overly sensitive Blue. Blues often have too many unrealistic expectations (which makes others feel inadequate, unnecessary, and unloved). Blues typically role model lack of self-esteem by placing themselves last on their list of priorities. Blues often are too critical of others who choose to live life with a more relaxed or aggressive style (which causes others to feel unable to ever please them). Blues tend to be too demanding of other's 'inappropriate manners' (which causes others to rebel and develop a dislike for manners altogether)" (95).  Wow. However, the author concludes, "The character building process requires us to (1) identify healthy life principles, (2) accept them into our lives, (3) commit to consistently living them, and (4) share them with others. Life principles will benefit all colors in their own development as well as the relationships they encounter with other colors" (97).  

             I will close this exercise in extreme vulnerability by sharing the "Key Life Principles.... Life Principle 1: Personal truths must be identified, pursued and blended with Universal Truths in order for us to have a balanced lifestyle. Life Principle 2: Charactered people take responsibility for their own attitudes and behaviors. Life Principle 3: We must stretch and risk personal discomfort in order to make unnatural attitudes and behaviors become natural. Life Principle 4: Charactered people actively love themselves and others. Life Principle 5: Our strengths must be shared with others in order to fully benefit us. Life Principle 6: Everything has its price. Charactered people choose wisely and pay their debts. Life Principle 7: Trust is imperative to the positive human experience. We are all interdependent on others in varying degrees of dependence and independence" (97).   

***

            We decided to move in summer 2016 because my MS symptoms made the stairs in our previous home much more difficult to manage. We looked at several different homes along the Wasatch Front, but finally decided to just build a home across town. I started attending the ward we would be going to for a few Sundays while we were finalizing our decision. I wrote down the phone numbers of several of the women that I met on those Sundays. Because I was still continuing to visit people, I asked several of them if they would be interested in a visit. Only two ended up allowing me to visit them. One of those women became a dear friend over the years that followed.

            I was called to be the secretary in a new Relief Society presidency in June 2017, three months after we moved into our newly built home. This woman was called to be the first counselor and I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know her better in this way. There ended up being unexpected complications and challenges in my life, so I needed to be released from that calling a couple months later. This woman asked if we could go on a walk shortly after that release occurred. I felt that I could trust her, so I allowed myself to unload all the conflicted feelings I had over the circumstances I was dealing with. She listened empathetically and I was so grateful for her kindness and obvious concern for me as a person. A little while later, she asked to be my ministering sister. I didn’t want obligatory service from anyone, but I trusted this friend completely and knew she would be sincere and authentic.

            We began walking together once or twice each month and I really enjoyed our talks. She invited me over a couple of times to study Come Follow Me together. There were also a few times when I went over to talk or cry because I felt like there was nowhere else I could turn at that moment. She had surgeries during the last two years and she allowed me to serve her by taking her or picking her up from physical therapy appointments. One time, she fell on some ice near our homes and she called me to come pick up her and her dog. I was grateful that I was available and that she thought of me as someone who could come to her rescue. During the last two years, she has been through a terrible ongoing tragic situation. At first, she didn’t feel comfortable telling me what had happened, so I just tried to support her without knowing exactly what she needed. This taught me how to “hold space” for someone, which I never understood how to do before. She has also showed me by example how to listen carefully, ask sincere questions, validate feelings, and love unconditionally.

            In fall 2017, she taught an online course and I decided to take it from her. It was called Unshakable. During this eight-week class, I created a statement that described me in conjunction with an assignment. I decided that “I am a loyal, reliable, nurturing, situation-improving, people supporter.” This friend also encouraged me to take the Gallup Strengths Finder test. I learned that I lead with my strengths of Connectedness, Empathy, Developer, Maximizer, and Woo (winning others over). That last one makes me laugh. Here are some details from the official summary:

 

1.      Connectedness: “(I) have faith in the links between all things. (I) believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.”

2.      Empathy: “(I) can sense the feelings of other people by imagining (myself) in others’ lives or others' situations. ”

3.      Developer: “(I) recognize and cultivate the potential in others. (I) spot signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.”

4.      Woo (Winning Others Over): “(I) love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. (I) derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.”

5.      Maximizer: “(I) focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. (I) seek to transform something strong into something superb.”

 

I see Maximizer showing up in my visiting journey and my temple/family history work. As part of her class, I also created a list of qualities that I hope to develop by believing that I already am: peaceful, confident, certain, and flexible. 

            I’m very grateful for this friend and she has influenced my life for good in so many ways. She has experienced tragic loss, has suffered through physical pain, is a cancer survivor, and has other huge struggles in her life. Yet, she is a light in my life and the lives of many others. Her smile lights up a room and she has brightened so many of my difficult days. During the beginning of our friendship, we didn’t have as much in common. However, her latest struggle has given us a difficult circumstance in common, although we each deal with a different aspect of the similar difficulty. When I think of authenticity, I think of her. She is confident in her strengths, she advocates for herself, sets boundaries when she needs to, loves with all her heart, and is perfectly imperfect. My life is so much better because she is in it. I believe her friendship was one of the reasons we moved here, so I consider it a divine intersection.

***

            My sister is six school years younger than I am. She is my only sister and we have three younger brothers. Her husband flies Apache helicopters for the Army, so they have been stationed in Alabama, Germany, and North Carolina over the past eleven years. They have just recently moved to Colorado and I am so grateful that she is now just a nine-hour drive away. She married her husband in the temple and now he doesn’t believe in God. This is similar to the situation with my husband. We have both chosen to stay in our marriages and have been a support to each other through the especially difficult times. We also have children who are choosing lifestyles that we didn’t hope for or plan on. These situations with our families have been extremely sad for us and we have talked about them for hours on the phone. When she visits Utah, we walk her dogs together and talking in person is even more healing for both of us.

            I discovered life coaching in 2018. I listen to podcasts and webinars from three coaches trained at The Life Coach School. A complimentary call with another one helped me finally start writing this book. However, I found my own personal coach in a roundabout way through my sister. I clicked on an Instagram advertisement to receive a “Guide for a More Peaceful Marriage when you spouse has left the LDS church” on May 31, 2018. I forwarded the guide and two follow-up emails to my sister and then unsubscribed from further emails because I felt the need to focus on the two original coaches I discovered. My sister must have signed up to receive the weekly emails from this coach because she forwarded three to me at the end of May and beginning of June 2019. I asked her to stop sending them to me because our unmarried daughter had just announced her pregnancy earlier in May on Mother’s day and I was trying to simplify my social media and inbox as much as possible so I had more emotional energy to deal with my feelings about her unexpected circumstance. However, I appreciated how much my sister cared about me and understood why she sent them. The timing just wasn’t right.

            Fast forward to the COVID-19 pandemic. Early in April 2020, I was struggling with the transitions we were all going through. One night, I couldn’t sleep so I started looking through some old emails I had filed. I “just happened” to come across these life coaching emails we forwarded to each other during the previous two years. I felt strongly prompted to click on the button for a complimentary call from the email sent in 2018. That call happened on April 14, 2020 and it was the right fit. I paid $2,000 to work with her for six months – one Zoom session each week for 24 weeks. The even more miraculous part about this is that my coach doesn’t even market to women in mixed-faith marriages anymore. She now advertises to the parents of teenagers and her website supports that target audience. There would have been no way for me to find her had I not saved those emails from the previous two years. We have met together 14 times with an additional phone call so far. She has helped me change my thinking around many of the circumstances in my life. However, I still have a long way to go. The other tender mercy is that she is also a recovering perfectionist that is just a little farther down the road than I am. She understands me in ways that I don’t even understand myself yet. I can see clearly how God has worked behind the scenes and has orchestrated our divine intersection at precisely the time it was needed most.

            Both my sister and my life coach are also very authentic. They don’t seem to worry as much about their appearance, they don’t take themselves too seriously, and they own everything about themselves – flaws and all. I want to be more like them. Actually, I want to be that comfortable in my own skin. I want to own everything about myself – flaws and all. I have come a long way and I still have much more to learn and practice. The model we use in coaching is: Circumstances -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Results. Circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. What we make a circumstance mean is the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us. If the thought isn't serving us and helping us show up as the person we want to be, then we can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought. This is easier said, than done. However, it is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of practice. We may sometimes feel that an unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers are strong feelings that come from our thoughts about circumstances (the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that can help us understand our thinking better. We can learn to feel and release negative emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to be through the help of our Savior.

            I have learned a lot from the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will repeat my summary of some of her findings. Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. It is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism and become more authentic. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            I used several additional quotes from Brené in my final research paper on easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. In that same book, she defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

            She also explained it this way, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Prior to that she explained an aspect of perfectionism that described my life uncomfortably well. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist (because) your self-worth is on the line”(56). She concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57). I long for the comfort that last sentence would provide in my life.

            Prior to a presentation I was asked to give in August 2015 about reaching out to others in love, I read two quotes on Instagram that resonated with me. A woman named Brooke shared this on the churchofjesuschrist Instagram page. “Sometimes all you need in order to achieve something, go for your dream, or believe in yourself is just someone to say: ‘Yes.’ ‘It’s good.’ ‘I like it.’ ‘Go for it!’ ‘I believe in you.’ People who encourage, support, and help something amazing happen by just being there, just being themselves. We need more people like that in the world. They are not enablers. They are not radical and simply telling you what you want to hear. They are honest. They are genuine. They have no other motives than to be a truly decent human being and to let their decency reflect onto someone else, to let someone be affected in a good way.” A woman named Elle shared this insight on the same page. “…  Comparison is the thief of happiness. I have found it so important to keep working on seeing my own divine worth and learning to love myself. I can be happy for the success of others and see that we all have our strengths and weaknesses on our path to eternal life.”

            My challenge to all of us, especially myself, is to not be afraid of being real and authentic. I truly believe that genuinely being ourselves – owning everything about us, including our flaws, will automatically help others to feel more comfortable being real also. It’s easy to spot people who are being disingenuous and I am always drawn to people who are comfortable just being themselves. I want to always remember the importance of authenticity.