Sunday, August 16, 2020

Chapter 29: A Growing and Evolving Testimony

Originally, this chapter was going to be called "Growth and Evolution of Testimony." Last night, I decided that this title sounded a little better. I have been working on this chapter almost all day. It's still not the way I want it, but I'm going to post it and come back later with fresh eyes. (I returned to make some corrections and added the last two paragraphs on August 17, 2020.)

 

            I wrote down my testimony in January 2016 for my nephew’s baptism and thought it would be a good way to open this chapter. “My parents taught me the gospel as I was growing up, but it was important for me to develop my own testimony separate from theirs. My testimony grew little by little, like drops of water filling a bucket. I gradually learned that living the gospel brings joy and peace as I watched the examples of my parents, teachers, leaders, and good friends. Through studying the scriptures and attending church and seminary, I learned that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is described as ‘true and living.’ However, I don't want that to sound like I am criticizing other churches or the really good people that attend them. Here are some of the reasons I have found for that description: The Church today has the same structure as the Church that existed when Jesus lived on the earth. It actually has been restored. Prophets and apostles guided and taught people throughout the scriptures and we are guided by a prophet and apostles today. Just like they had the priesthood then, we have the priesthood today. Because we have the priesthood, our lives can be blessed by the ordinance of baptism and the ordinance of the sacrament each week. Our lives can also be blessed by the ordinances in the temple. The Church is ‘true’ because it is actually led by Jesus Christ. It is ‘living’ because we have the priesthood, prophets, ordinances, and the gift of the Holy Ghost that continues to testify of truth to each individual. Unfortunately, the Church is filled with imperfect people, but it's not the people that make the Church true. We are trying to do the best we can along the way, just like people in other churches are. It is the doctrine that makes the difference.”

            I continued, “Heavenly Father knows each of us personally. He really does hear and answer prayers. I have learned that He often answers our prayers through other people. When we truly love Him, it leads us to want to serve Him. It also helps us to love ourselves and the people around us. When we love others, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and try to help them to solve theirs. I know that the Atonement of Christ really works. I know that Jesus really did die for us and that He really was resurrected. Because He lives, we will all live again and have the opportunity to be with our families after this life on earth. Heavenly Father and Jesus love us and are aware of us. They will magnify us for the tasks They need us to accomplish when we have faith in Them. I also know that the Holy Ghost is real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that He inspires and prompts us to live righteously.”

            I continued, “I know that there is always hope through the Atonement of Christ. Because of His atoning sacrifice, we can forgive and be forgiven. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His Atonement gives me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it gives me to overcome my challenges. I know that Jesus perfectly understands what each of us goes through in this life and is perfectly able to help us because of what He suffered during His Atonement. With the Savior’s help, I have been able to work on one goal or habit at a time and have slowly turned many of my weaknesses into strengths. I’m thankful for that ongoing miracle. As we practice living righteously, we will eventually become perfect through the grace of Christ.” 

            I continued, “I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith in answer to his prayer and that They restored the original gospel to the earth through him. I also know that They helped him translate the Book of Mormon so that we would have it to bless our lives and to clarify the truth that is in the Bible today. I have experienced the power that comes from reading the Book of Mormon each day. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, just like the prophets before him and since him. His life changed when He read in the scriptures about asking questions directly to God. He wasn't perfect, but he was willing and God was able to work through him to restore truth to the earth. I am thankful for his example of doing difficult things that he knew were right.”

            I concluded, “During my life, I have learned that the Church and gospel are true through sincere prayer, scripture study, listening to the promptings of the Spirit, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I have continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of the truth. I am thankful that we are able to pray about what the prophet and apostles teach us so that we can gain a sure witness for ourselves. The gift of agency is important and central to Heavenly Father’s plan for us. Just as we can’t force others to have faith, Heavenly Father won’t force us to have faith. As we choose to believe and live the principles of the gospel, we will be blessed.”

            Jeffrey R. Holland gives wise counsel on the subject of belief and testimony. “Observation number one… when facing the challenge of faith…in the growth we all have to experience in mortality…. In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited.… When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes…. The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know. The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your ‘unbelief.’…Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not!... Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But… don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            He continued, “This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith. So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work….So be patient and kind and forgiving” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            He concludes, “Last observation: When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help. If we want it… humbly and honestly… we can get it. The scriptures phrase such earnest desire as being of ‘real intent,’ pursued ‘with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God’ (2 Nephi 31:13). I testify that in response to that kind of importuning, God will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief…. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe….” (“Lord, I Believe,” Ensign, May 2013).

            Dieter F. Uchtdorf also gives excellent counsel on this subject. “…It’s natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true. Therefore…my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ” (“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).

          He continued, “The Church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the exhausted. It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the commandments, even if they haven’t mastered them yet…. If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ” (“Come, Join With Us,” Ensign, May 2013).

            D. Todd Christofferson explained, “The Prophet Joseph Smith confirmed the Savior’s central role in our doctrine in one definitive sentence: ‘The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.’  Joseph Smith’s testimony of Jesus is that He lives, ‘for [he] saw him, even on the right hand of God; and [he] heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:23; see also verse 22)” (“The Doctrine of Christ, Ensign, May 2012).

            Throughout the Church, a fast and testimony meeting is held once each month, usually on the first Sunday, during sacrament meeting. I don’t generally ever plan to stand up and bear my testimony in fast and testimony meeting. However, I have often felt inspired to write down my thoughts during the sacrament. Sometimes I do feel the nudge to share it publicly. I’ve kept a record of them over the past decade. On April 11, 2010, I shared the following thoughts during my testimony. “I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ works. The Lord really cares about us and He is aware of us.” I then shared two verses from The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. “...Their preservation was astonishing.... And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe— that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power” (Alma 57:26). “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33). I concluded, “The Lord will make us equal to the task He needs us to accomplish when we have faith in Him.”

            On November 9, 2010, I sent an email to my sister-in-law, who was meeting with the missionaries. I will share some of it, with a few corrections for clarity. “Praying for specific answers is always a little tricky for me too.... I always try to spend a few seconds before and after my prayers trying to just be still inside. Then after I ask, I pause again. Sometimes I hear distinct words or phrases in my mind that are similar to my thoughts, but are accompanied with a sure or peaceful feeling. And sometimes I just feel more certain afterward. I always try to ask that if it's a ‘yes’ answer, I will feel certain about it and won't second-guess it anymore. And that if it's a ‘no’ answer, I'll feel even more confused and upset about it. That has helped me with answers to questions in the past. For me, it really does boil down to the way I'm feeling about it.”

            I then shared most of the testimony from the beginning of this chapter. I continued, “I know it seems crazy to say that I know this. But I have had these truths confirmed to me over and over again… and I couldn't feel more strongly about them. You know how much I struggle with attending church because of my group situation issues. And, believe me, it would be so much easier for me to just not go ever again and to deny all of this. But these truths really do bless my life each day and it makes me want to keep going, even though it's difficult for me. I really do hope that you'll be able to find out these and other truths for yourself.... I also hope that you (and my brother) will be able to have these truths in your lives and in your home to bless you and your future family. The priesthood blessings I've received from my dad (and husband) have been a great strength to me. I've felt the power of their words and I know the blessings they speak are coming from Heavenly Father through them to me. I know Heavenly Father really does know each of us personally. He knows me and He knows you. And I know He really does answer prayers. I hope you'll be able to clearly feel the answers He gives you. And, more than anything, I know that Jesus really did die for us and that He really does live now. And because He lives, you and I will live again after this life and we won't have to deal with all the hardships and heart ache that accompany this earthly life anymore. We will have passed the test. And we'll be able to live with our family in deep and abiding happiness for eternity.”

            I concluded, “I hope my sharing those feelings helps in some way. After I prayed for you again just now, I felt like I should share them. I hope it doesn't annoy you. I love you (and my brother) and I know that searching this out together will bless your already happy marriage. Don't worry, I won't always be this preachy and serious. I just wanted to state for the record how I felt. And if there's anything I can do to help you as you're trying to find out the truth of these things for yourself, just let me know. You know me. I'm not anywhere close to perfect, but I think you know I always try to be honest and open…. I'll just keep praying for you (and my brother) and will respect your desire to figure it out on your own without outside interference. And I'll love you no matter what you decide. I promise.”

               I practiced proclaiming my testimony more boldly during fast and testimony meeting on January 2, 2011. “I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on the earth. It's true because it's the actual church of Jesus Christ that has been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. And it's living because of the gift of the Holy Ghost and the priesthood that makes possible the ordinances of the sacrament and in temples. We teach the gospel within the structure of the Church. But we can learn so much about living the gospel from other good people throughout the world who often live it much better and more fully than many of us.”

               I will just insert a quote by Joseph Fielding Smith here. “And so we say to the good and noble, the upright and devout people everywhere: Keep all the good you have; cleave unto every true principle which is now yours; but come and partake of the further light and knowledge which that God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever is again pouring out upon his people.” (“A Witness and a Blessing,” Ensign, May 1971).

               I continued my testimony, “I know that there is always hope because of the Atonement of Christ. I'm thankful for His birth that we celebrated last month. I was reminded that the manger, because it is actually a feeding trough, is more like a table than a bed. And because Jesus is the Bread of Life, His laying in the manger reminded us of the bread that is now administered from the sacrament table each week. I'm thankful for the opportunity that His Atonement gives me to change and improve. I'm also thankful for the strength it gives me to overcome my challenges. And, right now, I'm very thankful that my medicine is working better so that it's easier for me to attend church. I also hope to be able to attend the temple more easily this year.”

            I bore the following testimony on October 16, 201l. “Alma 34:31 says, ‘...now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you.’ I wrote these two thoughts in the margin of my church scriptures several years ago: 1.) The Lord is just waiting to help us and bless us. As soon as we take a step in the right direction, He immediately applies the plan of redemption in our lives. 2.) Repentance means a change of heart, and a true change of heart shows in our actions. When we make even a small change, it starts the ball rolling and it allows the Lord to help us in our lives. He can make miracles happen if we will let Him. I'm thankful for the extra help and support the Lord has given me in these things that I've been trying to do –  especially since they seemed almost impossible to me at the beginning of this year.”

            On May 2, 2012, I wrote down my testimony for our daughter to be read at girls camp. “My parents taught me the gospel as I was growing up, but it was important for me to develop my own testimony separate from theirs…. I attended four years of early morning seminary and that helped in developing my testimony. I also had some great Young Women leaders and Sunday School teachers that helped strengthen my testimony. As I worked on my Personal Progress goals, I learned more about the gospel and that strengthened my testimony as well. Because of the examples of my parents, teachers, and leaders, and through the feelings I felt as I attended church and seminary, I learned that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. Through all of that, the main foundation of my testimony is that there is always hope in Christ. No matter how depressed I felt or no matter what I had done wrong, I knew that He could make it better. I gained a testimony of His atoning sacrifice as I repented of the things I had done wrong as I was growing up. Because of that, the sacrament has always been very important to me. I appreciate knowing that I can start over with a clean slate each week after I partake worthily of the sacrament.”

            I continued, “My testimony also grew while I was serving a mission for our church. I remember really understanding then that we are all children of our Heavenly Father and that meant the people I met and taught on my mission were actually my brothers and sisters. I was really thankful for the opportunities I had to bear my testimony to them because that strengthened my testimony. I think that is also when I really gained a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his role in helping to restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth again. I know that he received answers to his prayers and that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I also know that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers and your prayers. Along with that, I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon. I think I read it for the first time all the way through when I was in ninth grade because that is what we studied in seminary that year. I felt a warm feeling about many of the things I read and, when I prayed about them, I knew that the Book of Mormon was true. I have always loved listening to the General Authorities speak in general conference. As I've listened to them over the years, I have developed a testimony that this church is led by a real prophet and apostles of God. I gained a testimony of the priesthood as I partook of the sacrament each Sunday, as I had blessings given to me by my dad, and as I went to do baptisms for the dead on our temple trips. I really felt the Spirit strongly when I was in the temple back then and I still love attending the temple to this day.”

            I concluded, “ In summary, I learned that the Church is true through prayer, scripture study, listening to the Holy Ghost, and trying to obey the commandments. As I've had questions, I've continued to follow this pattern and it has helped me become more sure of its truthfulness. I'm thankful for a living prophet that guides us just like prophets throughout the scriptures have guided the people. I'm especially thankful for the Savior and believe that there is always hope through His Atonement. My faith in the Atonement helps me to get through life and strengthens me to overcome my struggles.”

            I shared the following testimony in fast and testimony meeting on November 6, 2012. “Over the past year, I have developed several habits in various aspects of my life, which included attending church, the temple, and institute class each week. But now that I've been to church every week for over 1 1/2 years (except for the Sunday we were down in Moab) and to the temple every week for a little over a year, I've decided to stop counting. I am now a church attender and a temple attender. That is what I do. And I'm so thankful that the Lord has helped me establish these important habits. We are promised that when we serve in the temple, we will be blessed in both our temporal and spiritual affairs. I know that has been the case in my life. I know that Heavenly Father is really there, that He knows us personally, and that He hears and answers our prayers. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real and I'm so thankful for its enabling and compensating power. Partaking of the sacrament each week has been such a strength to me. I also know that the Holy Ghost is real, that He testifies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and that He inspires us to do good. I have been reading the Book of Mormon personally each day for almost 1 1/2 years now and we've been reading the Book of Mormon each day for this entire year as a family. I'm thankful that the Lord has helped us develop those habits and I know that the Book of Mormon is true. Reading it each day gives me hope. I'm thankful that we were able to listen to the prophets and apostles speak recently at general conference. I know we are led by a true prophet today and that if we follow his counsel, we won't go wrong.”

            This is the beginning of the testimony I shared in my friend’s Easter lesson on March 29, 2013. (I shared the last part as the ending of this book.) “Church has been hard for me emotionally for several years, so I used to only come when I felt emotionally able to –  which didn't happen very often. But on the Sunday that my son was ordained to be a deacon in April 2011, I decided to start attending church each week, whether I felt like I could or not. A month later, I started reading the Book of Mormon every day (in May 2011). I wasn't doing that very consistently either because it would make me feel guilty. But from then on, I read, regardless of how I felt. About four months later, I decided to start attending the temple each week (in September 2011). For years, I tried and tried, but failed to change. However, when I aligned my will with the Lord's will and did things in His way, He was finally able to give me the strength I needed to make a permanent change. With His help, I was able to consistently work on one habit at a time and slowly turned my weaknesses into strengths (like it says in Ether 12:27).”

            I shared the following testimony during fast and testimony meeting, prior to general conference, on September 27, 2015. “Since I have spent almost half of my life struggling with depression and anxiety, I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life catching up and learning from others. I'm so thankful for my good friends and family who are so kind and patient with me as I learn at my own pace. One of the verses I read almost every day (my scriptures literally fall open to that page) to help me when I am feeling less steady in my progress is Ether 12:4. ‘Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.’ I really appreciated watching the General Women's meeting. I was especially thankful for President Uchtdorf's talk. In it, he quoted Great-Aunt Rose, ‘God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do?... Now is part of eternity. It doesn’t only begin after we die! Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you now.…Everything… in the gospel—all the shoulds and the musts and the thou shalts—lead to love. When we love God, we want to serve Him. We want to be like Him. When we love our neighbors, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and help others to solve theirs’ (“A Summer with Great-Aunt Rose,” Ensign, Nov. 2015). I testify of that. Reaching out to others – even if I didn't know what to say or do or even really have much to offer –  will forever bless my life. My mantra over the past few years is: ‘Practice makes better.’ The only way perfection is possible is through Christ's Atonement and as we practice trying to live like Him. I'm thankful for the patience that He and Heavenly Father have with me every minute of every day. They literally send people and blessings directly into my life to bless me, help me, and teach me what I need to know.”

            I shared the following testimony in fast and testimony meeting on December 6, 2015. “This has been a very difficult month for me. I have been relatively settled in my progress and testimony for the past couple of years, but I have been given a trial of my faith this month that tested me to my core. However, I have emerged stronger in my faith; closer to Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Spirit; more confident about my ability to know Their will for me; and more sure of how to follow the promptings I am given. I am thankful for the opportunities to step out into the darkness in faith, knowing with a certainty that I will be blessed with more light as I move forward trying to follow the promptings I receive. I am thankful for the course corrections that come during that process and the way we are tutored by the Lord during those times. I am thankful for the power and safety that come into our lives when we are faithful to the covenants we have made. I am thankful that we are able to pray about the things that the prophet and apostles say so that we can gain a sure witness for ourselves. I am thankful that we can find strength in the scriptures and that we can trust them to guide our lives. Joseph Smith’s journey began when he read in the scriptures to ask questions directly to God. As Joseph followed that counsel, the Lord was able to use his willingness to restore Christ’s true gospel to the earth. I am thankful for his example of doing difficult things that he knew were right.”

             I continued, “I am thankful for the things I have learned about agency and Christ’s Atonement being inextricably connected. A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can't manipulate or micro-manage other people's agency with my faith. In the temple, I received even more guidance on that principle a couple of months ago. I now know that as we allow Christ’s Atonement to sanctify us, we can better honor the agency of others. In one of my favorite Relief Society lessons ever, we were reminded that we don't just hang out by the tree of life and beckon to our loved ones to come and partake of the fruit. Instead, we need to continue to partake of that fruit constantly. That way, the love of God that is manifest through the Savior’s Atonement will fill our hearts and lives with charity for ourselves and others. I am thankful for the good friends that the Lord has brought into my life during the past two years. They have truly helped me turn some of my stumbling blocks into stepping stones. My good husband has been a great support to me as well. I love the Savior deeply and I am so thankful for His atoning sacrifice. I know that I owe all the progress I have made to Him and the enabling power or grace that He extends so willingly to me. I have been willing to move my feet, but he has given me the strength to take each step. I'm thankful for this Christmas season where we all seem to turn our thoughts to Him more often. I'm so thankful for the confirmation that I've been given that I'm heading in the right direction.”

               I shared the following testimony on my 47th birthday in February 2019. “…This morning, the Lord reminded me very clearly that struggle is not the same as hypocrisy. As long as we continue to try, we aren't hypocrites. I was asked to give a message in three Relief Society meetings in three different stakes in the year before we moved here. I was also reminded this morning that one of my main points was that progress isn't always linear. Many people say that it's important to be better tomorrow than you were today. And I agree, but maybe that isn't always possible in a time of struggle. However, as we partner with Christ, our overall trajectory is upward. When babies learn to walk, but then they start teething and don't walk as much or choose to crawl instead for a while, we don't think they have a character flaw. We just know they are struggling with something. It's the same with grownups. We're all just big children and it would be good if we remember that lesson for all of us too.”

               I continued, “I think that even Christ didn't feel a lot of joy in Gethsemane, but an angel was sent to strengthen him. Hebrews 12:1-2 says, ‘...Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross… and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.’ Sometimes that's how things are for us too. My institute teacher asked me spontaneously to give a spiritual thought. She didn't know I had a hard weekend. I turned to this verse and knew I needed to share it. ‘And the Lord provided for them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea, and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ. Now this was according to the prayer of Alma; and this because he prayed in faith’ (Alma 31:38). The answers and help are always there, but sometimes we need to have a trial of our faith first and then the light comes through personal revelation or the scriptures or a talk with a friend. When a door closes (MS relapse), a window often opens (increased time for family history and temple work).”

            Henry B. Eyring testified, “I thank our Heavenly Father for the gift of His Beloved Son, who came voluntarily to earth to be our Redeemer. I am grateful to know that He atoned for our sins and rose in the Resurrection. Every day I am blessed to know that, because of His Atonement, I may someday be resurrected to live forever in a loving family. I know those things by the only way any of us can know them. The Holy Ghost has spoken to my mind and heart that they are true—not just once but often. I have needed that continuing comfort” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May 2018).

            Russell M. Nelson gave this promise, “You don’t have to wonder about what is true (Moroni 10:5)… Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, that Joseph Smith is a prophet, and that this is the Lord’s Church. Regardless of what others may say or do, no one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true” (“Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Chapter 25: Lifelong Learning (part 2)

 

          I actively avoided taking any math or English classes during my first two semesters, but I couldn’t put them off much longer. I finally felt brave enough to register for Math 990 during Summer semester 2016. This was an expensive four credit class (which was required, since I hadn’t taken any math classes since 1989 in high school). However, it was only a prerequisite and didn’t count toward any degree. So several academic advisors recommended that I take a $45 class called Math Leap instead. I took another “leap of faith” and dropped the math class, but the advisor over Math Leap explained that I could even pay a little less by purchasing a personal copy of the ALEKS program to work on at home. (I volunteered to take notes in Sociology class for a student who had those accommodations and I ended up getting paid $50, which offset the cost!) ALEKS is an acronym for Assessment and Learning in Knowledge Spaces. It’s an online tutoring and assessment program that intuitively focuses on what you need help with the most, while skipping skills you’ve already mastered. I diligently worked through math problems each day for over seven weeks. I was nervous to take the test, but I finally did at the end of June. I scored 36, which placed me in Math 1010, but I didn’t want to settle for the general math class. I decided to continue studying and took the test again on July 5th. That time, I scored 55, which placed me in Math 1040 (Introduction to Statistics - the math class suggested for Behavioral Science majors). I was so proud of myself for sticking with it and was asked to be in a testimonial video for ALEKS later that semester. 

            Meanwhile, my therapist and psychiatrist recommended that I apply for a grant from a government program called Vocational Rehabilitation. It forced me out of my comfort zone to meet with the counselor there, but I’m grateful I did. No scholarships are available for summer semester and Voc. Rehab. just happened to have a surplus around that same time, so they made a one-time payment of $1,525 to cover the tuition for my other two classes. One of those classes was Introduction to Film and I took it online with our daughter to fulfill our fine arts requirement. We watched several movies together and had to write papers on a few of them, but it ended up being relatively fun. The other class was English 1010 and it was not fun at all. I took it during first block of Summer semester, which meant the schedule was condensed and accelerated. I was required to write five short papers and five long papers in seven weeks. The stress from that caused an MS relapse and I ended up having to wear a knee brace over my jeans for an entire year after that. However, one paper was a review, so that gave my husband and I a chance to revisit the Springville Museum of Art, which is where my bridal pictures were taken back in 1995. I chose to write the final paper on a religious topic and I had several insightful conversations with my teacher about it, so those two experiences made it feel worthwhile.

            I qualified for a $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center for the Fall 2016 semester. I applied that toward Introduction to Statistics and Contemporary Families (which fulfilled my Global Intercultural requirement ). I volunteered to take notes in Statistics class for another student with those accommodations and received $50 again, so that helped pay for one of the textbooks. Taking notes for someone else required me to pay closer attention than I may have normally, so I probably owe my A- to that, because I didn’t really understand very much of it. In Contemporary Families class, we were divided into groups of five students, who became our family for the semester. I grew close to them during our time together and even invited them to our home for dinner and a hike up the hill behind the cemetery as our final activity. We sat and talked as we watched the sunset, which I really enjoyed. I kept in touch with two of the female students for awhile after that and was grateful for the chance to get to know them better outside of class.


            We decided to build our new home with a functional main level during Fall semester, since my leg still hadn’t recovered from the MS relapse. That meant we would be moving in the middle of Spring 2017 semester, so I decided to take both of my classes online, instead of having the added stress of traveling to and from campus. I qualified for another $650 waiver from the Women’s Success Center and applied that toward my two online classes during Spring semester. One was Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences, which is the only upper division class I’ve ever taken. I wanted to ride the momentum from ALEKS and Introduction to Stats, since this would be the last math class I would have to take for my entire degree. The textbook was online and was written by the professor who taught the class. During the first week of class, he offered $100 cash to any student who was good at proofreading. So I told him I would volunteer if no one else did and I started to make some notes for possible corrections as I went along. I assumed someone else was actually doing it, so I didn’t feel pressure, but he told me later that I was the only one. He invited me to his office, so he could pay me, after I took the first test in the testing center. It was really nice to meet him in person, since his videos were very helpful and I knew his voice so well from watching them. It ended up being much more difficult to proofread after chapter eight, partially because of the difficulty of the material and also because we were packing and preparing to move. I told him I could return the $100 bill, but he said I had earned that and more already. I appreciated the way he graciously allowed me out of “the contract.”

            The other online class I took during Spring 2017 semester was Stress Management with a focus on Hardiness. That was the perfect class to provide therapy for the stress I felt while packing, moving, and unpacking during the semester. Since it worked so well the previous year, our daughter and I took Introduction to Meteorology online for Summer 2017 semester. It wasn’t nearly as fun as the film class, but I have always loved looking at the different types of clouds as I’ve walked. So learning about each type and being able to name them when I saw them in the sky made it worthwhile for me. Our daughter didn’t like anything about the class, but at least it met the requirement for one of our two physical science classes.  

            Unexpected changed occurred during Fall semester 2017. I registered for Positive Psychology (which was taught by my previous Intro. to Sociology teacher) and Interpersonal Relationship Skills. I was feeling discouraged going into the semester, so I felt like these classes were perfectly timed. In Positive Psychology, we learned about positive affirmations and our first assignment was to write five affirmations on index cards. Since I was feeling so discouraged, I decided to make four extra sets of them and used a black marker so they would stand out. I focused specifically on areas where I wanted to improve. The first set included: I am enough, I am capable, I make a difference in my family, I assume the best, I forgive myself and others. The second set included: I am resilient, I am brave, I am calm and confident, I am stronger because of every “failure” or mistake, I focus on “small or something.” The third set included: I have good ideas, I make good decisions, I have my own opinions, I am a successful student, I know and respect my limits. The fourth set included: I am grateful, I stay in the present, I look for the everyday miracles surrounding me, I have eternal perspective, I am making progress. The fifth set included: I am anchored by faith, hope, and love; I am saved through Christ’s grace, I have faith that God keeps his promises, I walk to show God that I love my legs; I triumph daily over depression, anxiety, and MS.  

            I also made cards with other motivational quotes and thoughts on them. They included: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13), “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass), “Let go and let God,” God works through me to bless others, “Things will work out” (Gordon B. Hinckley), and “Gratitude is a magnet for miracles.” In addition, I made a card with three common thinking errors that I easily fall into. It read, Avoid “all or nothing” / “always or never” / “should.” Our second assignment was to listen to a YouTube recording of  The Strangest Secret in the World” by Earl Nightingale. This is a summary of the recording, “Success is really nothing more than the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. This means that any person who knows what they are doing and where they are going is a success. Any person with a goal towards which they are working is a successful person.” I also simplified it and made three more index cards: “Success is the progressive realization of a worth ideal;” We become what we think about; Believe and succeed. I carried all 35 of these index cards in a Ziploc bag inside my binder. I took them out and read through them three times each day. My goal was very general. I just wanted to live a more balanced life – by focusing on emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. So I began our third assignment, which was a 30-day challenge, with that goal in mind. We weren't supposed to plan how it would happen. We were just supposed to put all our faith and emotional energy into living positively and the way to achieve our goal would be opened to us.

            I sent the following email to my teacher on Saturday evening, which was September 2, 2017 (just a week into this process.) “You know how I'm putting all my positive thoughts into living a balanced life? My husband and I were talking this evening about how we're still having some big obstacles in our marriage. It had never occurred to me that my going to college is one of them. But he keeps saying that I ‘go away’ emotionally each semester and the breaks in between aren't long enough to recover the ground we've lost. I have noticed that he's right and I've tried not to, but school is stressful and I can only concentrate on a few things at a time in life before my brain feels like it's going to explode. Well, a definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ This evening, it hit me all of a sudden that I need to not do school anymore. As soon as I had this thought, I stopped crying and felt total peace. That was the total opposite solution that I thought I would come to! John didn't suggest it and I didn't feel pressured into it. It just suddenly became crystal clear to me. My scholarship appeal was approved yesterday, so it isn't because I'm feeling pressured or overwhelmed. In fact, I couldn't be in a better mindset to succeed. So I think I have now found my answer that will lead to a balanced life. I have the materials we were going to study this semester and I plan to continue keeping the gratitude journal and reviewing my affirmation cards. However, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences of the past six years and I kept saying that I would when I finish with college – in five years. But I think this is the time. I really want to drop my two classes now, but I'm going to sleep on it. I don't want to make a mistake, but I really feel like this is the path I should take. So let me know what you think. However, if I still feel strongly about it tomorrow, I think I'm just going to act, since the drop deadline is Tuesday. If this is my answer, then you can consider this my preview essay for the 30-day challenge. Wow! I had no idea it would really work! And I'm only a week into the challenge!”

            My teacher supported me in my decision and I met her on Tuesday to talk more about it on campus. I also met with my academic advisor, who had then become a good friend. She helped me fill out the paper work to withdraw completely from school. Then I went around and thanked a few of my teachers in the family studies department before heading home. When I arrived home, I started to panic a little bit because now the pressure was on to improve my marriage and write the book. I remembered that my friend saw a therapist with her husband, so I looked up the website. I called to explain our situation and they recommended a therapist. When I saw her picture on the website, I knew she was the right one. I ended up meeting with her five times on my own and five additional times with John. We were making good progress when she told me her husband had joined the military and they would be moving to Las Vegas. I decided to stop seeing her professionally and asked if I could meet her a couple more times in a casual setting before they moved. She talked with her supervisor and made the exception. So we met once at Café Rio. Then she met me two other times with her two little boys, once at the park and once at Chick-fil-A, so they could play while we talked. I’m grateful for the progress John and I made during those three months of therapy.

            During that time, I also tried to start writing this book. However, I could never decide how to organize it and moving forward with the writing just felt too overwhelming. So I decided to just try to write it as a personal history, but that ended up becoming family history in January 2018 – which became a whole other part of my journey. (I write about that in chapter 32.) Meanwhile, I also discovered a couple of life coaches online. Brooke Castillo started The Life Coach School and Jody Moore was trained by her. Jody is also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and coaches with those values. I listened to several free webinars, poured through information on their websites, and took copious notes. I even thought I might want to become a life coach, but then I felt prompted to return to college and finish my associate degree instead. It felt ridiculous to head in that direction again, but I know better than to second-guess those strong promptings.

            I registered for Summer 2018 semester at UVU and took Introduction to Geology, which fulfilled my second and final physical science requirement. My classroom was in the Pope Science building right next to the opening where the large pendulum swings. There are also several cases filled with different types of rocks in that area of the building, which were fascinating to look at before and after class. I volunteered to take notes for another student who had those accommodations, so that helped me to focus much more closely than I probably would have otherwise (and I earned another $50, which helped pay for my textbook). The teacher had some conflicts toward the end of the semester, so we were given the option to write a final paper or study the slides for the last few chapters on our own and take the final exam in the testing center. I opted for the latter. By that time, I learned how to take notes from the slides in a way that was helpful for my brain to remember them.


            The last chapter was on evolution and it was a little unsettling to me. So I read a lot of extra information and decided that I fall into the camp of “evolutionary creationism,” which means I believe God uses a type of evolution within His creation process. To me, that is basically a loose definition of eternal progression, which I write about in the final chapter of this book. I also realized that I lean more toward Christian universalism in my spiritual beliefs, while still staying true to my core beliefs as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe “everyone wins” in God’s plan because we all basically decide where we will end up in eternity and how comfortable we will be there by our choices and actions in this life. That strengthened my belief in the importance of agency, along with the reality of God’s unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

            During the Fall 2018 semester I took Nutrition through the Lifecycle (to fulfill my Biology requirement) and Introduction to Social Work. That was the first year of teaching for my nutrition teacher and I really enjoyed her casual and helpful approach. I sat by a female student in both classes that I became friends with and I met them outside of class several times to study for tests. That made the semester much more enjoyable. I also became friends with a recovered heroin user in my social work class. She returned to college after having a baby and cleaning up her life. I was impressed with her authenticity, her dedication to making good choices, and her courage in achieving her goals.

            We were each required to participate in 20 service hours outside of social work class, which was the most difficult part of the semester for me. I decided to volunteer with the English conversation club. So I met a Chinese woman several times on campus and once at her home to help her practice speaking English. I enjoyed getting to know her in the process. I also joined a Spanish woman in her English class a few times to help her with the vocabulary, exercises, and activities in her workbook. She knew very little English, but it was fun trying to figure out how to communicate with body language and also a little help from Google Translate. I still needed several more volunteer hours, so I contacted a woman in our previous ward who taught fourth grade at Westmore Elementary. She agreed to let me help two boys who needed additional practice with math and reading skills. I took them out in the hall and tutored them there. I became extra close with one of the boys and she asked me to focus all my attention on him during the last few visits. An interesting side note is that I attended Westmore Elementary for first, second, and third grade between 1978 and 1981. It was a very old building then and has since been remodeled. I’m grateful for the chance I had to try to make a difference in the lives of those two women and that boy.

            I was really nervous about taking Ethics and Values, so I took that class by itself during Spring 2019 semester. I had previously dropped that class within the first week during several other semesters because I just didn’t feel good about the teacher or syllabus. So I knew I needed to make it work this time. This teacher was head of the Philosophy department and Director of the Center for Ethics at the university, so he treated it like an upper division class. That made it easier in a way, but also more stressful in other ways. The only assignments during the entire semester were a midterm exam, a research paper, a group debate, and a final exam (which ended up being several essay answers submitted from home). Ever since I was a teenager, I have appreciated this quote by Plato, “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.” I was grateful to learn about Socrates and Plato because I knew very little about them before taking the class. In fact, I chose to write my research paper about them. I decided to compare and contrast Socrates and Plato with Jesus and Paul. It was an extremely broad, but very fascinating topic for me. I was paired with a difficult student for the group debate, but the preparation taught me a lot about patience. I also learned how to prepare a power point presentation for the first time and presenting in front of the class helped me face some of my fears. I learned to look at ideas from different perspectives as I listened to the professor’s lectures, participated in the class discussions, and attended campus events on religion and sexual orientation for extra credit. I also appreciated talking with the professor occasionally after class.

            I decided to take my remaining three classes at the Institute of Religion to earn my diploma over the summer. So my last semester at UVU occurred during Fall 2019. Because I was only able to transfer 7.66 credits from my previous college experiences in 1990 and 1992, I was required to take an extra one credit class in order to meet the minimum requirement of 60 credits for an associate degree. If I wanted an associate degree in Behavioral Science, I would need to take Social/Cultural Anthropology, which was a three credit class and is another one I had dropped several times during the first week in previous semesters. My other option was an online Library Research class, which was one credit. Neither felt like good options, but I chose Library Research and downgraded my associate degree to a basic University Studies degree. The other class I had been putting off was English 2010. So I finally took the darn intermediate writing class. The two main assignments were a personal dilemma paper and a research paper with annotated bibliography. So my online Library Research class ended up being the perfect class to take with it, since the main assignment was an annotated bibliography. I decided to write my paper on how to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women. So I worked on half of the annotated bibliography for that topic in Library Research and finished the requirements for that class about a month early. During that time, I wrote and submitted both drafts of the personal dilemma paper in English. That left the rest of the semester to focus on finishing the annotated bibliography and writing the research paper. I had a couple of mini-nervous breakdowns, but ended up with a paper I was proud of. I appreciated my professor’s kindness and helpful feedback during the entire writing process. She was the exact teacher I needed for that class. We had different views about religion, but she was very respectful and I learned a lot from her.  I turned in the final paper a couple weeks before the semester was over and her only feedback was that I should put it up on a blog so others could read it. I eventually followed that counsel and it has been the perfect accountability tool for finally writing this book. I ended up with 60.66 credits and an associate degree – with high honors. I believe each class and each teacher taught me valuable life lessons and I will always be grateful for the entire experience.

Friday, August 14, 2020

Part 5: Part of Something Bigger Than Self

 

            My original plan for this book was to focus more on the emotional recovery side of my journey. I didn’t expect to spend as much time writing about spiritual topics. However, I am a believer in Jesus and that ends up permeating a person’s whole life. I’m so grateful that it does!  This is the part of the book where I glory in “my Jesus” and how He has blessed my life. My visiting journey taught me how to reach out to others more like He would. My experience in college and at Institute enlarged my perspective and helped me understand new ways of approaching relationships and the circumstances in my life. This section focuses on family history, temple work, and continued gospel learning – which has given me a glimpse of how all-encompassing Heavenly Father’s plan is for each of us, His children. .

            Spencer W. Kimball was the prophet of my childhood. I once read a biography of his wife, Camilla, when I stayed with my paternal grandparents while my parents were on a trip to the Holy Land. That book is on my shelf today and it is one of the only items I have that remind me of my grandma. Just before my third birthday, Spencer W. Kimball taught, “It is by serving that we learn how to serve. When we are engaged in the service of our fellowmen, not only do our deeds assist them, but we put our own problems in a fresher perspective. When we concern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves. In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves. (See Matthew 10:39.) Not only do we ‘find’ ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls…. it is easier to ‘find’ ourselves because there is so much more of us to find! ... Of course, we all need to be loved, but we must be giving and not always receiving if we want to have wholeness in our lives and a reinforced sense of purpose…. Wherever we serve and whomever we serve, however, it is important for us to get outside ourselves and to be genuinely interested in others” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).

            He continues, “Sometimes the solution is not to change our circumstance, but to change our attitude about that circumstance; difficulties are often opportunities for service….If we are not careful, we can be injured by the frostbite of frustration; we can be frozen in place by the chill of unmet expectations. To avoid this we must—just as we would with arctic coldness—keep moving, keep serving, and keep reaching out, so that our own immobility does not become our chief danger…. There is great security in spirituality, and we cannot have spirituality without service! So often, however, what we need by way of encouragement… to serve others is to simply be stirred in our memory by the Spirit concerning the things we already know, rather than receiving new inspiration and revelation. … The Holy Ghost stirs our memory as well as our understanding. We must then do what we already know is right—the simple things, the straightforward things, and the specific things….so that we can have the influence of the Holy Ghost and have his constant companionship to guide us, to direct us. His guidance is far more important than the learning of techniques, although these can be helpful…. If you were to select just two or three individuals in your life who have been most influential, what specifically did they do that was helpful to you at critical or important times in your life?  On reflecting for a few moments, you (may) conclude that such a person really cared for you, that he or she took time for you, or that he or she taught you something you needed to know…. Most often someone has served and helped us by giving us love and understanding, by taking time to assist us, and by showing us the way through the light of their own example. I cannot stress enough, therefore, the importance of our doing these same things for those who now depend upon us, just as we have depended upon others to serve us in the past… If we focus on simple principles and simple acts of service, we will… find ourselves becoming less concerned with our organizational identity and more concerned with our true and ultimate identity as a son or daughter of our Father in heaven and helping others to achieve the same sense of belonging.” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974). Being willing and able to serve each other without assignments is the beginning of a unified, Christlike community. It is the essence of ministering. It something I try to work toward every day, with varied success.

            He concluded, “In this connection, we must never lose sight of Jesus Christ as our grand example. Jesus said in his instructions to the Nephite disciples: ‘Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up—that which ye have seen me do. …’(3 Nephi 18:24.)… One of the advantages of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that it gives us perspective about the people on this planet, including ourselves, so that we can see the things that truly matter and avoid getting caught up in the multiplicity of lesser causes that vie for the attention of mankind….  (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974).