Chapter 15: Compensatory Blessings

* I spent most of today adding content to two previous posts. My brain hurts, so I'm going to post these quotes now and revisit them at a later time. (I added two more quotes and several paragraphs of content on July 22, 2020.)

           Looking back on the past several years, I can see clearly that the Lord has arranged at least three unofficial missions for my life. The “visiting” mission began in September 2013 and lasted until August 2015. (I returned to college at that point, but still continued visiting on more of a part-time basis.) The “family history and temple work” mission began in February 2018 and ended in March 2020 with the COVID-19 pandemic. (I have continued to work on some family history, but far less than I had previously.) The “grandma” mission began in January 2020 with the birth of our first grandson and I imagine that will continue to be my focus for many years, to one degree or another. I discuss each mission in more detail throughout the book. The point I want to make here is that they have definitely been compensatory blessings for me in several ways.

            First, because I struggled so deeply with anxiety and depression for most of my official proselyting mission from 1993-1994, I had many regrets about not being able to serve more fully. I carried those regrets with me off and on for twenty years. When I started visiting, I was able to use all the skills I learned on my original mission – approaching people before and after meetings at church, knocking on doors, calling people, making appointments, and being flexible when people cancelled or needed to reschedule. I floundered a lot and the visits weren’t always optimal, but I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it had I not served my original full-time mission. So, it renewed my confidence and helped me feel like I made restitution for any missed opportunities or wasted time (even though that wasn’t necessary). In addition, unless the Lord dramatically changes things, I don't think I will be able to serve a mission with my husband in our retired years, as I thought we might. These unofficial missions have given me the opportunity to serve in different ways as a more mature adult. 

             Richard G. Scott explained, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.” He then gave this valuable counsel, “Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. To the sightless or hearing impaired, He sharpens the other senses. To the ill, He gives patience, understanding, and increased appreciation for others' kindness.... You will discover compensatory blessings when you willingly accept the will of the Lord and exercise faith in Him” (“Finding Joy in Life,” Ensign, May 1996, pp. 24-26). 

            Second, I very much wanted to be completely healed from depression, anxiety, and Multiple Sclerosis. Even more than those healing blessings, I begged and pleaded for the Lord to give my husband (and then my children) the faith and spiritual experiences they hoped and prayed for, but could never experience on their own. I haven't receive those blessings yet. However, I wouldn’t have felt the need to begin visiting if my heart weren’t already broken and humbled over that combined set of circumstances. Then, through my visiting journey, the Lord gradually healed my broken heart and helped build greater confidence within me. He also strengthened my capacity to serve and follow promptings in ways I didn’t think were possible before. In addition, I learned how to cope in more long-term and fulfilling ways with my anxiety and depression. Perhaps, the most unexpected compensatory blessing of all were the treasured friends he helped me find along the way.

            David A. Bednar spoke about the blessings of paying a full tithe. I believe these compensatory blessings can be applied to life in general, as well. He explained, "Some of the diverse blessings we obtain as we are obedient… are significant but subtle. Such blessings can be discerned only if we are both spiritually attentive and observant (see 1 Corinthians 2:14)…. Spiritual illumination and perspective are poured out through the windows of heaven and into our lives…. Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience” (“Windows of Heaven,” Ensign, November 2013).

            Third, temple and family history work became a huge compensatory blessing for me. One of the last lines of my patriarchal blessing says, “As you help to gather genealogy, you … will be a great blessing to those who have passed on beyond the veil. When you leave this earth there will be a great reunion with your ancestors who will be glad to receive you because of your work in their behalf.” I used to think that was absolutely impossible for me. Yet, the Lord helped me to have more success than I ever imagined possible. As I spent those hours, days, weeks, months, and years immersed in that sacred work, I became much more settled and at peace about my family and their different beliefs on this side of the veil. As I listened to those words over and over again during the temple ordinances, my love only grew for my family here and my ancestors who have already finished their life on earth. That love and peace were unexpected and very welcome blessings.

            Sheri Dew discussed compensatory blessings in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Then, as I sat in the last endowment session I’ll likely attend for a while, I felt a familiar sensation gnawing at me. It took just seconds to identify what it was. Mourning. I was starting to mourn the fact that life as I’ve known it — weekly time in the temple, sacrament and other meetings that allow me to renew my covenants and enjoy the camaraderie of my ward family — is changing, at least for a period of time…. Nothing happening in the world today is catching the Lord off-guard. Satan hasn’t pulled a fast one on Him. Circumstances that led to the inception and spreading of the coronavirus were all foreseen by Him who sees all. That is clear, because our leaders have been getting us ready for this very hour…. The fruits of revelation are often more easily seen in hindsight. It is no surprise to those who believe in prophets that more than a year ago…  prophets, seers and revelators, introduced a home-centered, Church-supported curriculum and admonished us to be more intentional about studying and teaching the gospel in our homes. It is no surprise that two years ago they introduced ministering and asked us to learn to care for each other in a higher, holier way.... During this unusual season when the way we worship and serve the Lord has been modified, let’s make sure we see the ways the Lord is blessing us. Let’s be sure we identify the compensatory blessings and power He has for those who seek them…. In a time of darkness, the ministering power of the Light of the World will be even easier to see. How beautiful it will be if, as a global Church family, we don’t just endure this particular challenge but we seek the hand of the Lord in our lives and then share our witness of His mercy, power and peace” (“How have you seen ‘compensatory blessings’ during the coronavirus outbreak?,” Church News, 15 March 2020). 

            Fourth, our grandson was born just two months before the temples and chapels closed their doors. Because he and his parents live in our basement, we’ve been able to spend every day of his life with him. Social distancing during the pandemic would have made that very unlikely if they didn’t live with us. When our daughter first announced her pregnancy, I never dreamed that her little baby would be the biggest compensatory blessing of all during this time. An unexpected blessing occurred after his delivery also. Our daughter endured a 50-hour labor and he still needed to be delivered by c-section. Because of that, our daughter wasn’t able to immediately return to her college classes as she had planned. So we ended up being able to spend eight magical months together, loving this sweet little angel that was sent to our home. In addition, we have considered me high risk because MS and its treatment both compromise the immune system. I have literally only been inside buildings (other than our home) eight times during the three initial months of the pandemic. I drove places on my own only three times during those months and wasn’t able to walk with friends very often because they were home with their families as well. This unexpected time with our grandson and daughter has been priceless and so appreciated.

            Neil L. Andersen emphasized, “As evil increases in the world, there is a compensatory spiritual power for the righteous. As the world slides from its spiritual moorings, the Lord prepares the way for those who seek Him, offering them greater assurance, greater confirmation, and greater confidence in the spiritual direction they are traveling. The gift of the Holy Ghost becomes a brighter light in the emerging twilight…. there is a compensatory power, an additional spiritual endowment, a revelatory gift for the righteous” (“A Compensatory SpiritualPower for the Righteous,” BYU Speeches, 18 August 2015).

            I testify that this is true. These “missions” didn’t seem possible to me when I was prompted to embark on them. However, I have been given obvious guidance and assurances all along the way. I will be forever grateful for the gift of personal revelation that has blessed me during every step of this journey.

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 3)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 2011 – 2016 (all are available on her website)

* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)

Hilary Weeks (fast-ish tempo)

• That’s Who I Am – Every Step (2011) – lyrics printed in chapter 9 (Walking Therapy)
• Living Proof – Every Step (2011)
• Dancing in the Rain – Every Step (2011) – lyrics printed in chapter 9 (Walking Therapy)
• Past the Point – Every Step (2011)

• It’s a Good Day – Say Love (2013)
• Brave – Say Love (2013)
• Tell Me – Say Love (2013)

• Faith in the Middle – Love Your Life (2016)
• Win The Day – Love Your Life (2016)
• Every Good Thing – Love Your Life (2016)
• The Beginning – Love Your Life (2016)

• I Am the Storm – Live All In (March 2019)
• Sunrise to Sunrise – Live All In (May 2019)
• All In – Live All In (July 2019)
• Back To Me – Live All In (August 2019)
• I Was Wrong – Live All In (December 2019)

• Soul on Fire – Live All In (June 2020)

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 2)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 1996 – 2016 (all are available on her website, except for her first 4 CDs)

* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)

Hilary Weeks (medium-ish tempo)

• The Good Shepherd – He Hears Me (1996)
• Roses and Thorns – He Hears Me (1996)

• Unseen Hands – Lead Me Home (1999)

• He is Able – I Will Not Forget (2001)
• Give Ye to Me – I Will Not Forget (2001)
• Peace – I Will Not Forget (2001)

• Eyes of Faith – Day of Praise (2004)
• Stronger – Day of Praise (2004)
• Closer – Day of Praise (2004) 

• Faultless – If I Only Had Today (2008)
• He Loves Me – If I Only Had Today (2008)

• Say Love – Say Love (2013)

• Be Where You Are – Live All In (January 2019)  – lyrics listed in chapter 4 (Be Present)
• Someday Down the Road – Live All In (October 2019)
• More Mistakes to Make – Live All In (November 2019)

• The Other Side of Fear – Live All In (July 2020)

• When We Think About Christmas – Live All In (December 2018)
• The Light of the World – Live All In (December 2019)

• Christmastime – Christmastime (2002)
• Christmas Once Again – Christmas Once Again (2009)

Chapter 10: Developing Coping Skills

I didn't spend time writing like I hoped to today. I chose to organize some online items (pictures, emails, and contacts) instead. I also took an afternoon nap and enjoyed an evening walk with my husband. However, I did post some additional writing from last year. 

I'm trying to practice what I've been writing about: flexibility and balance, rather than harsh self-judgement and perfectionism. I've decided this blog is about my process while writing, rather than content only. I do want to continue my momentum, though. So I'm just posting a list of ideas before I go to sleep. I will add more substantial content in the future.

 * I spent most of the next afternoon (July 19, 2020) piecing together these six paragraphs.

           A well-known definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” So, it’s important to just do something different. That means “moving your muscles” in some way. Choose to get up and do anything, instead of sitting still and feeling stuck. When in doubt, move your body and spend more time enjoying the beauty of God’s creations in nature. If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time. Write down the things you can control and start there. From that list, work on changing one small thing at a time.

            David A. Bednar compared our lives to a truck that is stuck in the snow. It is the heavier load that ultimately helps it get traction and stop spinning its wheels. He explained, “Each of us… carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints.” He suggested that we ask ourselves this guiding question to “periodically and prayerfully assess our load: ‘Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ… and avoid getting stuck?... Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014).

            Our lives can change with every step in the right direction. Choose the next right step and then take that step. Give yourself credit for even the smallest accomplishment. Waiting  to celebrate until you accomplish ALL the progress you’re hoping for isn’t a helpful approach. Life can be hard, so celebrate any and every victory. My mantra has become, “practice makes better” or “practice makes progress.” Our goal is progress, not perfection. Another encouraging phrase is, “If at first you don’t succeed…try setting more realistic goals.” Practice showing compassion to yourself. So many of us think harsh and judgemental thoughts about ourselves. Yet, we would never say those things to a friend who is struggling. Byron Katie wisely explained, “I don’t let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” When you have negative thoughts or feel guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that the Savior’s atonement has already covered this. Just as forgiveness is a process, all negative emotions may need to be put on the altar again and again.

            It’s also important to “work with the brain you have.” For example, if your mind races and it helps to do something with your hands, then have a few activities planned that you can start doing when you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious. I find that listening to uplifting music, talks, or podcasts is helpful while doing mundane activities like taking a shower or doing daily chores around the house. I've also learned to attach a new habit I want to form to an existing habit. It reminds me to do it, but it helps that I’m already in motion doing the first habit.  

            I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting reminders. For example, I have several word boards in my office and walk-in closet that say the words: change, progress, hope, worry less, relax, love, forgive, be thankful, and trust in the Lord. One of my friends gave me a small sign that says, “What’s the best that could happen?” (Rather than focusing on the worst thing that could happen.) Another friend gave me a wall hanging that says, “It doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you don’t stop.” In other words, the only time we fail is if we quit getting up each time we fall. Just like babies fall a lot when they are learning to walk, we continue to fall when we’re trying something new or different. This helps to gradually build resilience.

            David A. Bednar explained that the Savior’s atonement “enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities…. The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon (His) merits, mercy, and grace…” (see 2 Nephi 2:8). He encourages us to “pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign, May 2014). On a lighter note, remember that “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end!”  

Appendix D: Examples of Music with Positive Lyrics (part 1)

* Hilary Weeks’ music (and especially her lyrics) was the driving force behind my motivation during the past decade.

* This playlists include some songs from each of her eleven albums.
* This is not a comprehensive list; it is organized according to year. 

* CDs: 1996 – 2016 (all are available on her website, except for her first 4 CDs)

* Live All In – yearly subscription (so worth it!)

* I have added notes to the side of just a few of them, but I could write a paragraph about all of them!

Hilary Weeks (slow-ish tempo)

•  Living Waters (Woman of Samaria) – He Hears Me (1996)

• The Perfect Prayer – Lead Me Home (1999)

• Never Alone – I Will Not Forget (2001) / The Collection (2007)

• All the Good – Day of Praise (2004)  – extra encouragement for women
• He’ll Carry You – Day of Praise (2004) / The Collection (2007)

• He Hears Me – The Collection (2007)
• Who You Are – The Collection (2007) – extra encouragement for women

• When You Least Expect It – If I Only Had Today (2008)
• Reaching – If I Only Had Today (2008)

• Beautiful Heartbreak – Every Step (2011)
• This is Not Your Home – Every Step (2011)

• Find Me – Every Step (2011)
• I Found Me – Say Love (2013)

• Another Second Chance – Say Love (2013)
• Hero – Say Love (2013) – extra encouragement for women
• Better Promises – Say Love (2013)
• Even When – Say Love (2013)

• Love Your Life – Love Your Life (2016)
• The Waiting Place – Love Your Life (2016)
• Tell Your Heart to Beat Again – Love Your Life (2016)
• Blessed Hope and His Love – Love Your Life (2016)
• June in December – Love Your Life (2016)

• At the Same Time – Live All In (February 2019) – addresses grief
• Even in the Silence – Live All In (April 2019)
• What God Wants – Live All In (June 2019)
• Fragile – Live All In (September 2019)

• Keep Going – Live All In (January 2020) – addresses depression
• Irreplaceable – Live All In (February 2020)
• Avalanche – Live All In (March 2020)
• Come As You Are – Live All In (April 2020) – addresses shame
• Momma You Matter – Live All In (May 2020) – extra encouragement for women

Introduction (first attempt)

* I wrote this original Introduction or Preface on August 12, 2019. 

* Note from my husband and our 20-year-old son on September 2, 2019: Most people haven’t read the same books as you and you have a different voice than them anyway; don’t discount yourself and what you have to say or others will too.

           I don’t read as much as most people I know. I get hung up in the highlighting. I’m also a relatively late learner and slow adopter of habits. It takes me a long time to warm up to new things and especially new technology. I’m very grateful for the Gospel Library app and for books on Kindle. I still don’t read nearly as much as I wish I did, but highlighting is now less messy and more precise. It’s also much easier to find the notes I’ve made “in the margins”.

            Because I don’t read regularly, I have a feeling that most of the ideas I share in this book have already been thought of, spoken by, or written about by other people who think more deeply and live them more fully. I value what I do choose to read and acknowledge that my thinking and view of the world have been shaped by many of the ideas contained in those pages. Although there may be similarities, I hope that the experiences I share and the lessons I learned along the way will be a helpful combination and may add a different flavor to some of those ideas. 

            Many people who have heard “my story” or who have joined me along “my journey” have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. When I walk with women, our conversations cover many topics and we seem to solve a lot of life’s problems while we are enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. I have found that it is often more difficult to apply the principles we’ve discussed and the answers we’ve discovered when we return to our homes and lives. I haven’t fully incorporated all the ideas I share, but I continue to improve as a result of them, and I hope they will have a positive impact on your life as well.

            In the acknowledgments, I thanked many of the people who have been influential in my life. Among those people is Hilary Weeks. Her music, and especially her lyrics, have been the driving force behind the progress on my journey. She is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, whose songs focus on Christ and His grace. She also writes many songs about reaching our potential through perseverance and optimism. With her permission, I will be using her lyrics throughout this book as a type of soundtrack for my journey.

Preface

            Over the past six years, many people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. It always felt too overwhelming to me and I never even made the attempt. Then I was asked to give a devotional to three groups of women (between 2014 and 2016). That was the first time I tried to write down some of my story. After that, I wrote parts of it in several papers for college (2015 to 2019). However, I still had no idea how to proceed with something larger.          

            My friends kept telling me that people need to hear my story and so I kept telling them that they should write it for me. No one was interested in taking it on, though. I can’t blame them. I was finally able to create a more detailed outline and table of contents last August (2019), but I hit another mental block after completing chapter one. Then the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic descended upon the entire world in March 2020. I stayed busy with being a first-time grandma, organizing closets, and working on family history. However, a little voice occasionally popped up in the back of my mind telling me I should be working on writing my book. On July 6th, a life coach encouraged me to just start writing 10 minutes each day. The timing was finally right… and I have written much more than that each day since. I’m grateful that it’s finally starting to come together. It will be a great relief not to have it hanging over my head anymore.  

Chapter 9: Walking Therapy

            I was inspired to start walking in the fall of 2010, but it wasn’t an overnight success. I gradually increased my stamina as I walked to a destination near our home each day. After a while, I realized I was noticing the fluffy or wispy clouds in the sky, the leaves on the trees (and the crunch, crunch, crunch as I walked through them on the ground), the flowers growing beside the sidewalk, the outline of the mountains against the sky, and the beautiful sunsets. I started taking pictures as I walked, which was a hobby that had faded during my depression. As winter set in, I made the conscious decision to go walking, especially when the sky was gray (and even when it was raining or snowing). Prior to this, Seasonal Affective Disorder was something I struggled with during the winters – its acronym is SAD and that’s absolutely how gray days made me feel. However, it only looks gray when you’re inside, looking out the windows. When I actually went outside to walk, I could still see and feel the light of the sun – even if it didn’t shine as bright or feel as warm as it normally did. This taught me an important lesson about looking up – to the sun in the sky and also to the Son of our Heavenly Father.

            During that time of strengthening, I listened to music by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks. Her CD titled “Every Step” (2011) felt like a soundtrack for the progress in my life. (I attended a benefit concert in Hilary’s home during August 2012 and she autographed my CD cover along with this message, “May the Lord bless your ‘every step.’”) With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “Dancing in the Rain.”

…The storm had rolled in…

I thought about going back to bed

Or reading the book on my nightstand

I considered calling the weather man

Just to ask him when it might end

But I did something you would not have thought

I grabbed my polka dot umbrella

And I opened the door…

Chorus:

And I danced

In the rain

I let my dreams know I hadn’t forgotten them

I let my heart take the lead and I told my hopes

To get themselves up again

And I danced (to the music of the day)

And I looked (for the blue above the gray)

Yes I danced

In the rain

I invited my worries to step aside

I need room to see in front of me

As the raindrops fell on my overcoat

I let them roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow

Cause Heaven and me, we both know

This storm is gonna pass 

I danced till my fears washed away

Then I thanked the rain for coming… today 

            I flew to Alabama with my parents to visit my sister in January 2011. This trip required me to stretch far outside my current comfort zone of staying close to home, which helped me realize I was making progress emotionally. It also helped me see my life from a different angle. At that time, I weighed 167 pounds, which is the heaviest I have ever been (including pregnancy). When I returned home, I talked with my husband and we made a basic plan for me to eat less carbohydrates and more protein – which basically meant avoiding obvious sugar. I began to faithfully log everything I put in my mouth using myfitnesspal.com. It helped me track my weight loss, along with reminding me to walk each day, do my floor exercises, and drink more water. I lost an average of three pounds each month and reached my goal weight of 121 pounds in May 2012.

            Prior to that in March 2012, I flew by myself to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Colorado, which was another victory in my emotional recovery. Two months later, they flew to Salt Lake and I joined them on a flight to Hawaii to visit our parents who were serving a mission at BYU-Hawaii. It was the first time I had been to Hawaii and May was the perfect time to go. I was excited to celebrate the loss of those 46 pounds by shopping for new shorts, capris, polo shirts, and tees before I left. I was now in size 6 and 8 (small), rather than 12 and 14 (large). It was a great feeling to see that physical proof of my achievement. I was so proud of these emotional and physical accomplishments and was grateful for the chance to celebrate in such an exciting way.

            There were still times when I didn’t feel strong and sometimes it felt like waves of depression were washing over me. However, I refused to go back to bed. When I wasn’t motivated to walk or was tempted to fall back into old eating habits, I reminded myself that I lost the equivalent weight of a water softener salt bag from Costco. Those bags are heavy! I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. During that whole process, I continued listening to Hilary Weeks’ “Every Step” CD.  With her permission, I share the lyrics to her song, “That’s Who I Am.”

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again…

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There’s a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

Chorus:

This moment is mine and I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

I will embrace it

I am strong and I believe that’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I’m brave enough to face the storm

And I’ll stand

That’s who I am 

It’s not about the race

It’s not how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go and holding on

It’s about taking chances

 And staying strong     

            I walked and talked with a friend in September 2012. She wrote about it on her blog later that day and I will share a few sentences that warmed my heart and strengthened my confidence. “I went walking with a friend that I haven’t visited with (face-to-face) in maybe two years? It’s been a really long time. This wonderful friend of mine has been challenged by bipolar disorder for at least 25 years. She is an extremely faithful friend and remarkable example of someone who presses forward in the face of her mountains to climb. The first thing I noticed about my friend was that she had lost so much weight…. She has also made HUGE progress in other areas of her life…. In every way, she is doing the best she has done in years. I made a mental note that during our conversation, she seems the most steady and grounded as she has ever seemed…. What I wish you could have heard in our conversation was the confirmation in both of our hearts as we talked about the power of small, simple actions based on decisions to change. The power of going on a walk, once. Then twice. Then again the next day…”

            About five years later, another friend emailed me this quote by Søren Kierkegaard, “Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day, I walk myself into a state of well-being & walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, & the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right.”

            I couldn’t agree more. Those small and simple steps added up to miraculous changes.

Chapter 8: Living Productively with Mental Illness

            I have struggled with depression, some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety (especially in social situations) for most of my life. My clinical diagnosis is Bipolar II Disorder, which is less severe than Bipolar I. It includes depressive episodes, alternating with some mild euphoric episodes called hypomania, along with some periods of relatively stable mood. Depression, whether it’s a from a chemical imbalance or a response to difficult situations, affects every aspect of a person’s life. I often felt like I was figuratively slogging through the mud in a thick fog. It negatively affects the way I feel about myself, my relationships with others, and my connection to God. It distorts my thinking, drains my energy, and shatters my hope. It is so much deeper than a case of the blues and a person can’t just “pull up their bootstraps” or “snap out of it” as some people erroneously believe.

            At several times in my life, I have been desperate for some positive change, but I felt helpless to move forward. With the support of my family, I have worked with psychiatrists who have experience prescribing the right type, combination, and dosage of medication for a chemical imbalance. That process often requires careful observation and adjustments over time. I have simultaneously worked with several psychologists and therapists who have helped teach me tools and skills to cope better with my emotional struggles. That process sometimes requires patience to find a comfortable client-provider fit. A good therapist provides a safe environment to work through struggles with an effective balance of empathy and encouragement. Those two steps are very important, but they are usually just the beginning steps in the journey. They helped me start to climb out of the deep, dark pit that felt so real and all-encompassing and over the initial overwhelming hump. That part of recovery isn’t always well understood, but it is foundational to the process.

            I knew the medication was working within the first few days because I could start functioning again and I felt my real personality beginning to return over the following weeks.  Then I had to work very hard each day to continue to progress. In 2011, the Lord taught me how to change by focusing on one thing at a time – the scriptures use the terms “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30) and “…continued from grace to grace…” (D&C 93:13). I needed to be willing to develop new habits, even if I didn't feel like it or think it was possible. Although it seemed completely counter-intuitive, I was finally able to push through the level of depression and anxiety that was debilitating to a more manageable level after practicing those habits for quite a while. During that time, I had to re-train my brain to think more clearly. I learned to think about my progress in terms of “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing.” I needed to work diligently to overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. It was important to learn how to be gentler with myself, especially when it appeared I had failed. Then I had to learn to rebound every time I fell. I try to never compare myself to others, but only to myself, to make sure I continue to progress as steadily as possible at my own pace. 

            One of the most important things I started doing was to walk to destinations all over town to give me a relatively safe way to practice leaving the house. I continued to spend time walking out in the sun—especially on gray days, when it was difficult to notice the sun. That helped the endorphins to start flowing. The fresh air (and vitamin D) also helps to keep my emotional perspective realistic. In addition, it was really important for me to listen to inspirational and upbeat music. (The songs that helped me the most are by my favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks.)  Music with positive lyrics helps change my thinking more quickly when I get stuck in a figurative rut and it helps my thoughts to begin spiraling upward, instead of their natural tendency to spiral downward. The final missing link for me was people and I will discuss the importance of that in the next section of my journey.

            In addition to sincere prayer, I asked for priesthood blessings and they have strengthened me along the way. The Savior’s atonement has helped me during every step of this process. I was willing to do the difficult work, but His power made it all happen. My struggles with depression aren’t completely over, but my life is significantly different now than it was a decade ago when I was so depressed and anxious the majority of the time. I want to emphasize that my progress has been a balanced effort with many contributing factors, but the main factor is my willingness to keep moving my feet. I continued to take small steps in various areas of my life and gradually built more productive habits. I have made slow, but relatively steady, progress. There have been many challenges along the way and there will continue to be more in the future. However, I’m confident that as I continue to apply these principles, I won’t be defeated.