- Here is the information she sent me this morning:
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
My Podcast Interview
Sunday, October 11, 2020
Doubt and fear during moments of emotional struggle
Last night, it felt like I was starting to slide back into a depression. (Bipolar disorder is so tricky because the cycles can occur several times during a day, week, month, or year.)
I felt so sure that I was supposed to post all those details about my recent struggle on Friday, but then I started to panic that it was divulging too much personal information for anyone to read. (And what if it was just because I was having a hypomanic episode?)
I wondered who else might read this blog, since the podcast host read it prior to deciding to invite me as a guest next week. However, if she felt inspired that my story could help other people, then maybe that was one of the reasons it was important to make my blog public in the first place.
I used this blog as an accountability tool as I struggled to write the first draft of my book. I have edited parts 1-3 so far and have made hundreds of revisions to what was originally posted here. However, I have put the project away for awhile, since it has been one of several activities that have taken my focus away from my family.
I switched this blog to a private one last night before bed, so that I could stop worrying while I was trying to go to sleep.
This morning, I decided that it was important to leave it public, in case it can help someone who is struggling.
There may be flawed links or errors in my writing (especially since the original posts are just first drafts of those chapters). There is also a lot of repetitive information as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings in the recent posts.
Bottom line: I am a flawed and imperfect human who struggles with mental illness. However, God can use me, or anyone else who is willing, to bless the lives of His children. Sometimes He uses our weaknesses to help others who struggle in the same way. That is my hope with leaving this blog available.
Happy Sabbath. :)
Friday, October 9, 2020
Recording the "great things" God has done
I spent about eight hours posting these eleven posts today. I was wondering if I had just been completely obsessive, but then I remembered 3 Nephi 23:9-14 ~
11 And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them?- Scripture study on August 30th: Learning to love myself through remembering Christ
- Digital fireside on August 31st: Encouragement to continue, even when discouraged
- Digital fireside on September 19th: "More Purpose in Prayer"
- My answer during General Conference: Turn your full focus to Jesus Christ
Unexpected invitation and God's timing
Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon.
- I explained in my reply:
We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.
- This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email:
"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"
- I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:
- This is the reply I just sent:
Podcast preparation
- This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:
Summary and Miracles (fourth and final thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Final update to my life coach on the evening before our 22nd coaching session:
Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog):
More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)
- Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):
My Answer (October 3–4, 2020)
- Update to my life coach after evening session of General Conference on October 3rd:
- Update to my life coach before morning session of General Conference on October 4th:
The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)
- I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog):
"More Purpose in Prayer"
- I sent this email to a temple sealer in our ward on September 19th:
- This was his thoughtful reply:
- Powerful verses in Psalm 143 that were so meaningful to me during that dark time:
- Notes from his digital fireside that I typed next to those verses:
- Cross references:
Three tips from Hilary Weeks' digital fireside (and some extra encouragement)
Hilary Weeks participated in a digital fireside on Sunday, July 19th. I "just happened" to watch it on August 31st, the evening of my 25th anniversary.
God reached me in a powerful way that evening. I took these notes:
- Tip #1: Take inventory and present to the Lord what you have to offer, even if it seems small and insignificant.
9 There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?
10 And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.
11 And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.
12 When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.
13 Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.
14 Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.
* This note was typed in the margins from a previous study: Offer what you have and are to God and ask Him to make more of you, so that you can do more and offer more to others.
* Focus on Christ, rather than the problems that seem impossible to overcome. His yoke brings peace, settled feelings, and comfort. (Note from earlier that day during "Don't Miss This" video while studying Alma 31:32.)
- Tip #2: Create stillness. Fresh starts, refreshment, and renewal come from quiet moments with God.
1 Samuel 9:27 ~ . . . stand thou still a while that I may shew thee the word of God.
Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still and know that I am God . . .
- Tip #3: Stay the course.
She quoted from this BYU devotional address by Jeffrey R. Holland in her digital fireside (it is also found in the March 2000 Ensign).
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."- I texted Hilary the next day on September 1st:
- I sent this email to Hilary on Friday, September 11, 2020:
She replied on the evening of Sunday, September 13, 2020 (after I had my mini "nervous breakdown," quit coaching, and decided to quit writing the book):
My reply the next morning:
Roller coaster of emotions (summary while trying to find another therapist)
- Brief summary of this blog (and hopefully a finished book someday), along with a recent update:
- I sent this follow-up email this afternoon:
Sabbath Success (August 30, 2020)
Tuesday, August 18, 2020
Still Not Finished?
Chapter 30 is titled "Grace and Gratitude." On Sunday evening, I posted a few quotes about gratitude, along with a long list of what I am grateful for.
In addition, I added three quotes about repentance being positive, rather than a punishment (which didn't really fit). However, I was too tired to continue trying to figure it out...
I spent most of today writing about grace, but now I'm having a hard time meshing it with what I wrote previously about gratitude. I'm so close to being finished and now I can't figure out how to finish!
I thought about integrating the positive repentance quotes with what I've already written for chapter 3. The title of that chapter is "Gradually Replacing Negative with Positive." However, I don't really want the chapters in the first section to be as long as the ones at the end of the book. I had no idea so many of these chapters would turn out so incredibly long!
I would love to just not worry about including the repentance quotes, but I have a nagging feeling that they are important. So, I'm considering renaming chapter 30 as "Changing Through Christ's Grace."
I'm also considering adding two other chapters:
- "Losing the Guilt" (for the positive repentance quotes)
- "Living with Gratitude and Simplicity" (for the long list of what I'm grateful for, along with some thoughts about enjoying life more fully by keeping it simple).
Sunday, August 16, 2020
Chapter 28: Personal Revelation and Possibilities
The main
way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. God
inspired many of the experiences I’ve written about in this book. He knows our
potential and possibilities. He can help us become so much more than we are on
our own. Even though I still have difficult days occasionally, I have prayed
for help all along the way and have been blessed spiritually and emotionally. I
know I've been inspired by Heavenly Father to make the changes, develop the
habits, and take the steps forward that have helped me become more of who He
knows I can be.
Jeffrey R.
Holland explained, “It is the plain and very sobering truth that before [and
after] great moments, certainly … great spiritual moments, there can come
adversity, opposition, and darkness” (“Cast Not Away Therefore Your
Confidence,” Ensign, Mar. 2000, 7). “But
opposition doesn’t mean that Heavenly Father has abandoned you. He is there,
and He will guide you. Sometimes we must move forward in faith until our way is
illuminated. (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign, August
2013).
Boyd K. Packer related this experience, “I returned … and told
him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said,
‘The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.’ I replied
that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of
a lifetime: ‘You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few
steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before
you.’ Then he quoted these 18 words from the Book of Mormon: ‘Dispute not
because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your
faith’ (Ether 12:6)” (“Move Forward in Faith,” Ensign,
August 2013).
I shared part
of this quote in the chapter on spiritual learning, but it is worth repeating. Richard
G. Scott counseled, “When you are living
worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need
to act, proceed with trust. As you are sensitive to the promptings of the
Spirit, one of two things will certainly occur at the appropriate time: either
the stupor of thought will come, indicating an improper choice, or the peace or
the burning in the bosom will be felt, confirming that your choice was correct.
When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you
proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong
decision” (“Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 10).
James E. Faust, taught, “Let us not take counsel from our fears.
May we remember always to … put our faith in God, and live worthy for Him to
direct us. We are each entitled to receive personal inspiration to guide us
through our mortal probation. May we so live that our hearts are open at all
times to the whisperings and comfort of the Spirit.” ( “Be Not Afraid,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 6). Dieter F. Uchtdorf echoed
the principle of a couple of the previous quotes. “There are times when we have
to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground
beneath our feet once we do” (“The Why of
Priesthood Service,” Ensign, May 2012, 59).
I have been grateful for the wisdom
in this quote from Joseph Smith for many years. “A person may profit by
noticing the first intimation of the spirit of revelation; for instance, when
you feel pure intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of
ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon;
(i.e.) those things that were presented unto your minds by the Spirit of God,
will come to pass; and thus by learning the Spirit of God and understanding it,
you may grow into the principle of revelation, until you become perfect in
Christ Jesus” (“Prayer
and Personal Revelation,” Teachings of the Presidents of
the Church: Joseph Smith, 132).
I always pay closer attention when I
hear prophets quoting previous prophets. Our current prophet, Russell M. Nelson, taught, “How can we find
answers to questions that perplex us? If Joseph Smith’s transcendent experience
in the Sacred Grove teaches us anything, it is that the heavens are open and
that God speaks to His children. The
Prophet Joseph Smith set a pattern for us to follow in resolving our questions.
Drawn to the promise of James that if we lack wisdom we may ask of God, the boy
Joseph took his question directly to Heavenly Father. He sought personal
revelation, and his seeking opened this last dispensation. In like manner, what will your seeking open
for you? What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or
understand? Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where
you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your
Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your
concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write
the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through
with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day
after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the
principle of revelation’” (“Revelation for the Church,
Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).
He continued, “Does God really want to speak to you? Yes!... You do not have to
wonder whom you can safely trust…. I urge you to stretch beyond your current
spiritual ability to receive personal revelation, for the Lord has promised
that ‘if thou shalt [seek], thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation,
knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable
things—that which bringeth
joy, that which bringeth life eternal’ (Doctrine
and Covenants 42:61). Oh, there is so much more that your Father in Heaven wants you
to know…. Nothing opens the heavens
quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest
seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and
regular time committed to temple and family history work. To be sure, there may
be times when you feel as though the heavens are closed. But I promise that as
you continue to be obedient, expressing gratitude for every blessing the Lord
gives you, and as you patiently honor the Lord’s timetable, you will be given
the knowledge and understanding you seek. Every blessing the Lord has for you—even miracles—will follow. That is
what personal revelation will do for you” (“Revelation for the Church,
Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).
One of
the concerns that was expressed by the youth in a question and answer broadcast
with Elder and Sister Bednar was how do you know whether it’s the Holy Ghost or
your own thoughts that are prompting you? I loved Elder Bednar’s response and
other valuable counsel in that eight minute video segment. His specific answer
was, “If it invites and entices to do
good, it comes from Christ, and we ought to do it.” (“Face
to Face with Elder and Sister Bednar,” Worldwide Youth Event, 15
May 2015). I love these companion verses in 2 Nephi 32. Verse
3 says: “…feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of
Christ will tell you all things what
ye should do.” While verse
5 says: “For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the
way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show
unto you all things what ye should do.” So the more we study the
scriptures, the more familiar we become with the way the Lord communicates with
us. Most of the time, revelation comes to us a piece at a time. And it often
builds on the previous revelation. As we follow the promptings we receive, the
Lord knows He can trust us, and then He is more likely to send us more personal
revelation. And, often, those promptings will
come when we are already out trying to do good things. I’ve heard it humorously
said that “even the Lord can’t steer a parked car.” Elder Bednar also points out
that Nephi was already moving in 1
Nephi 4:6, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things
which I should do.” In addition, he had learned important lessons about what
didn’t work in his first two attempts.
Julie
B. Beck explained, “A good woman knows that she does not have enough time,
energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the
worthy things her heart yearns to do.... But with personal revelation, she can
prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently. The ability to qualify
for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill
that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with
a desire for that Spirit.... Insight found in scripture accumulates over time,
so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day.... Those who
earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and
pencil nearby to … record impressions and ideas. Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment…. It
requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the Spirit of
revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith
through difficult days … Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what
to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen
families and homes, and seek those who need our help”
She concludes, “Because
personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is
possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times. We are told to put
our trust in that Spirit which leads us ‘to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge
righteously’ (Doctrine
and Covenants 11:12). We
are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with
joy, and help us know all things we should do (see Doctrine and Covenants 11:13-14). Promised personal
revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith,
trusting that it will be poured out upon us” (“And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out
My Spirit,” Ensign,
Nov. 2010).
Joy D. Jones explained, “Learning is integral to progression, especially as the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost teaches us what is needful for each of us to lay aside—meaning that which could distract us or delay our progression…. Women wear many hats, but it is impossible, and unnecessary, to wear them all at once. The Spirit helps us determine which work to focus on today. The Lord’s loving influence through the Holy Ghost helps us know His priority for our progression. Heeding personal revelation leads to personal progression. We listen and act…. Our continuing role is to receive continuing revelation” (“An Especially Noble Calling,” Ensign, May 2020).
Russell M. Nelson continues from the
talk quoted previously, “I am optimistic about the future. It will be filled
with opportunities for each of us to progress… But I am also not naive about
the days ahead. We live in a world that is complex and increasingly
contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle
bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting
through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we
must learn to receive revelation. Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will
perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We
will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ,
preside over this Church in majesty and glory. But in coming days, it will not
be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting,
and constant influence of the Holy Ghost… I plead with you to increase your
spiritual capacity to receive revelation. Let this… be a defining moment in
your life. Choose to do the spiritual work required to enjoy the gift of the
Holy Ghost and hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly” (“Revelation for the Church,
Revelation for Our Lives,” Ensign, May 2018).
Henry B. Eyring
explained, “My hope today is to increase your desire and your ability to
receive the Holy Ghost. Remember, He is the third member of the Godhead. The
Father and the Son are resurrected beings. The Holy Ghost is a person of
spirit. (See Doctrine and Covenants 130:22.) It is your choice
whether to receive Him and welcome Him into your heart and mind. The conditions on
which we can receive that supernal blessing are made clear in the words that
are spoken every week but perhaps do not always sink into our hearts and minds.
To have the Spirit sent to us, we must ‘always remember’ the Savior and ‘keep his commandments’ (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77)…. We all experience tragedy
during which we need the reassurance of the Spirit…. My father had the
companionship of the Holy Ghost at that moment to feel, to know, and to do what
he did that day. He had received the promise, as many have: ‘That they may have his
Spirit to be with them’ (Doctrine and Covenants 20:79)…. More precious than a
memory of events is the memory of the Holy Ghost touching our hearts and His
continuing affirmation of truth. More precious than seeing with our eyes or
remembering words spoken and read is recalling the feelings that accompanied
the quiet voice of the Spirit…. We have the priceless promise of the Holy Ghost as a companion,
and we also have true directions on how to claim that gift. These words are
said by the Lord’s authorized servant with his hands on our head: ‘Receive the Holy
Ghost.’ At that moment you
and I have the assurance He will be sent. But our obligation is to choose to
open our hearts to receive the ministration of the Spirit over a lifetime” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May
2018).
Henry B. Eyring
continued, “The Prophet Joseph set an example for us of how to receive
continual spiritual direction and comfort through the Holy Ghost. The first
choice he made was to be humble before God. The second was to pray with faith
in the Lord Jesus Christ. The third was to obey exactly. Obedience may mean to
move quickly. It may mean to prepare. Or it may mean to wait in patience for
further inspiration. And the fourth is to pray to know the needs and hearts of
others and how to help them for the Lord…. It has been my opportunity to
observe the prophets of God as they pray, ask for inspiration, receive
direction, and act on it. I have seen how often their prayers are about the
people they love and serve. Their concern for others seems to open their hearts
to receive inspiration. That can be true for you. Inspiration will help us
minister to others for the Lord…. I bear my personal witness that the Father is
at this moment aware of you, your feelings, and the spiritual and temporal
needs of everyone around you. I bear testimony that the Father and the Son are
sending the Holy Ghost to all who have that gift, ask for that blessing, and
seek to be worthy of it. Neither the Father, nor the Son, nor the Holy Ghost
force Themselves into our lives. We are free to choose…. I pray… that you will
hear the voice of the Spirit, which is sent to you so generously. And I pray
that you will open your heart always to receive Him. If you ask with real
intent and with faith in Jesus Christ for inspiration, you will receive it in
the Lord’s way and in His time” (“His Spirit to Be With You,” Ensign, May
2018).
In another talk, Henry B. Eyring, explained “The Lord… tells
us, that when we stand with faith upon His rock, doubt and fear are diminished;
the desire to do good increases…. ‘For I will go before your face. I will be on
your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and
mine angels round about you, to bear you up’ (Doctrine and Covenants 84:88)…. Sometimes
you will be the angel the Lord sends to bear others up. Sometimes you will be
the one surrounded by angels who bear you up. But always you will have His
Spirit to be in your heart, as you have been promised in every sacrament
service. You have only to keep His commandments…. Faith always defeats fear….And your prayers for
those in need are heard and answered by a loving God. He neither slumbers nor
does He sleep” (“Fear Not to Do Good,” Ensign, November 2017).
I find that my biggest barrier to personal revelation is getting in my own way and “limiting the Lord.” I truly believe that God has no limits and that nothing is impossible for Him. However, I do get hung up on my limitations and lack confidence in my own abilities. As I mentioned in the beginning, I’m good at following promptings to act. But it’s difficult for me to be still in the moment. Mindfulness is something I mentioned in earlier chapters. I received some personal revelation about this back on September 20, 2017. This is what I wrote: “The Spirit works in the present. When I think about the past, I feel regret and when I think about the future, I feel anxious. But when I am mindful in the present, that’s when the Spirit can prompt me to action.” Taking time to be still before, during, and after praying, along with pondering while studying the scriptures are spiritual variations on mindfulness. I need to work on all of it, so I will renew my efforts in that area – again. It’s interesting how personal revelation can come while writing a chapter on personal revelation. The Lord knows how to reach all of us if we will allow Him the opportunity.