Chapter 24: Focusing Less on Outcomes (part 2)

            I attended the luncheon afterward to help serve dessert. While I was there, I met Dee’s sister-in-law and sat at a table with one of Janell’s nieces and her family. That helped me feel more connected to Janell. As I mentioned earlier, I met Janell’s half-sister on the day we found out about her death in April. Over the months that followed, we kept in touch by text and email. I also treated her to lunch and I appreciated the opportunity to talk with her again in person. She reminded me that Janell talked about our walks often. She felt that no one did more to help Janell be happy than I did before she died. I was so thankful for that privilege and opportunity that God gave me! About two weeks after our lunch, Janell’s husband died suddenly in mid-August 2014. I don’t think the timing of our lunch was a coincidence. Because we were now friends, I stood by her and her family at Dee’s graveside service. His ashes were placed in the grave with their daughter and Janell’s ashes had previously been placed in the grave with their son. After the service, I talked with the daughter of Janell’s half-sister and her two children. I don’t think that as a coincidence either.

            I ended up visiting Janell’s half-sister and niece several times in Saratoga Springs. I also met Janell’s niece for lunch a few times. They had returned to Utah from Seattle within that past year and, while they were up there, they became active in the church again because of the kindness of missionaries and several members of their ward. God obviously knew they would need to continue to feel His love after they returned to Utah, so I think that was also part of the reason I was supposed to knock on Janell’s door. Otherwise, I probably would have never met them, since they live 30 minutes away from me. My friendship with Janell’s niece continued and we met at the temple several times. This strengthened her to deal with some difficult circumstances in her life and it was also good preparation for when we did Janell’s temple work on May 12, 2015. I was so grateful for the privilege of being with Janell’s niece when she did the initiatory and endowment for her aunt that I loved. At one point, I just held Janell’s temple card to my heart and hugged it because I loved and missed her so much. That day was filled with feelings of great joy. The Lord had clearly been orchestrating this whole situation from the beginning. There is more to this story, but I will continue telling it in a future chapter.

 ***

            Meanwhile, I continued to visit women in our stake. I visited one woman on May 7, 2014 (which was 15 days after Janell passed away). During our visit, she asked me to try to help her daughter, who had also struggled with serious depression for over 20 years. I knocked on her daughter’s door each of the following days and she finally opened the door four days later on May 12th (which was exactly one year prior to the day that Janell’s niece and I completed her temple work). She invited me in and we quickly became friends. She was extremely overweight and deeply depressed, so we started walking together when she returned home from work on most days. Janell and I had walked in the afternoons as well, so each walk helped to heal my heart. Most of the time, this friend picked me up after she decompressed from work and we usually drove up the canyon to walk by the river. That beautiful, relaxing atmosphere was the perfect venue for gradual changes in her life

            I learned more about her life each time we walked and talked. She self-harmed by cutting her arms for several years and both arms were covered with scars. She was the middle daughter in a family of nine children and felt neglected on several levels. She had been in a relationship with a verbally abusive boyfriend for a few years and didn’t stand up for herself because she felt that she didn’t deserve to be treated any differently. She stayed in the relationship because her boyfriend had MS and his health was progressively deteriorating, so it gave her life some purpose to help take care of him. When they started dating, he asked her to stop cutting and she did, so she also felt indebted to him for that. She was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to depression, and that manifested itself in several other ways. She constantly dyed her hair different colors and would often wear different styles of wigs over her hair as well. She eventually shaved her hair completely and continued to just wear wigs instead. As I observed this over several months, I realized that it was probably because her hair was one of the only things about her life she had any control over. She also had limited money management skills and spent most of her paychecks on clothes, purses, and eating out. She often let her mail pile up and wouldn’t open her bills, so she was sent to collections several times, along with some of her wages being garnished.

            I tried to help her through some of those difficult circumstances with varying degrees of success over the following 2 ½ years. After knowing her for a couple of weeks, I felt prompted to suggest that if she stopped eating out for most of her meals, she would have enough money to pay all her bills, she could start paying tithing if she wanted to, and would probably lose some weight as well. I’m normally not quite that bold! She actually listened to me, even though she could have easily chosen to be very offended. As a result, she lost 70 pounds during the next year and felt better emotionally because of our regular walking. She sometimes forgot to fill her prescriptions, so I always offered to go with her to make sure she picked them up, since it was very important for her mental stability. I often walked over to her basement apartment to visit her and helped her redecorate in August 2015. She chose some of her favorite patterns from my scrapbook paper and I cut out large letters to make an uplifting saying for her bedroom wall, at her request. The phrase she chose was, “When you learn you grow. When you grow you change.”

            She was stable enough to have the same full-time job for several years, which was a huge accomplishment. However, she constantly struggled with her finances. After about a year of watching her flounder, I asked if she would like some help, since I have a talent of keeping track of our finances. I helped her make a budget, but she struggled to follow it. I showed her how she could pay off some of her credit cards and even went with her to the bank, but she always maxed out the balances again. After a few weeks, we decided to add her accounts on my Quicken program, so I could help her track her spending. She made progress for a few days and then she would blow all her money on wigs or purses. This pattern occurred frequently and it was frustrating for me, but I continued to try to help her. I discovered during this time that she always remembered to pay her car payment. I asked her why that was different and she explained that the title was in her boyfriend’s name, since she couldn’t qualify for a loan, and she didn’t want to ruin his credit. I realized that the car was another way he could control her. So we worked on several different plans for her to pay off the loan and then she could arrange to have the title transferred to her name. During this same time, I tried to build up her confidence even more than I had in the past and tried to convince her that she deserved to be treated well. She started to believe me, but  never felt like she could break up with her boyfriend because that would include returning the car and she had no way to pay for one herself. Each time she would return from spending the weekend with him, it took me days to build her back up again. That became more and more difficult the longer it went on.  

            In August 2015, I felt strongly that I needed to help her in a way I hadn’t before. I made a few judgement calls to help her pay off and close some of her credit cards, so she could pay down the car loan faster. Then we made a simple plan for her to consistently pay me back over the coming months as well. It worked for about five paychecks and then she found ways to start blowing her money again. The more I tried to help her, the more things spiraled. By October 2015, it looked like I would never get the remaining $1,500 back and that really discouraged me because I thought I had followed promptings. I was also sad because she gained back most of the weight she lost over the previous year. I returned to college that semester, so I didn’t have as much time to spend and she pulled back as well. She rented from a family member and they decided to move, so that meant she had to find a new place to live also. I helped her declutter, clean, and pack up her apartment in late spring 2016 and then helped her move into another small basement apartment in June 2016. I visited her a couple of times to help her get organized, but I didn’t find her home much after that. One time, I did find her home and I spontaneously took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant. We talked about how she was feeling in the relationship with her boyfriend and she had finally decided to break up with him. She was scared about the retaliation, though, so we discussed a few different scenarios. I didn’t see her much during fall 2016 and I worried about her, but couldn’t force her to communicate with me.

            During that time, she started dating another guy. He encouraged her to grow her hair back out and to stop hiding behind wigs. He also helped her return the car to her ex-boyfriend late one night with an apology note that she wasn’t able to continue paying on the loan. He comforted her through her episodes of depression and encouraged her in other ways as well. They found an inexpensive car to share and she ended up moving out in January 2017. She texted to ask me for money, but I had to tell her no, which I felt bad about. I just couldn’t afford to lose more than I already had. They rented a small house in a poor, kind of scary, neighborhood in Salt Lake county and began living together from then on. I drove up to treat her to a birthday lunch in December 2017 and she still seemed to be doing okay. She surprised me by sending a wedding announcement in August 2018. I helped served lunch at the church, attended the wedding in her parents’ back yard, and stayed to help with refreshments during the reception that evening. That was the last time I saw her and I hope she’s doing well, since she doesn’t respond to my texts. I sometimes think back to the early days of our friendship when she told people that “God dropped me on her doorstep.” I do believe I was in her life to help her in the ways I could and I’m grateful for the time we shared together.

***

            During my visiting journey, I met three other women who struggled deeply with depression and needed a significant amount of support. Two of them were single and both of their moms passed away during the time I was trying to help them. I stood and sat by one of them at the viewing, funeral, graveside service, and luncheon to try to be supportive. Both were borderline hoarders and I spent several months during summer and fall 2017 helping one of them organize the basement of her parents’ house where she still lived. However, every time I went back over, the progress from the previous time had disappeared. It drained my energy and was very discouraging, so I eventually had to take a step back from helping her in that way. However, I did help her move all her preschool equipment twice, which took several days each time. I also helped the other woman move into an apartment in Provo. I walked and talked with them as much as they would allow me to and that seemed to help their emotional state. One of them earned her master’s degree online during those years and is now employed part-time as a therapist. I earned my associate degree during that same time frame, so we encouraged each other through the almost constant stress we both felt. These two women still struggle and have ongoing challenges, but I was grateful for the opportunity to help in whatever way I could over several years.

            The third woman moved from our ward after she and her husband retired. While she still lived in our neighborhood, she struggled with depression and debilitating anxiety for many years. She had complications from a hip surgery that made it difficult for her to walk and also suffered from congestive heart disease. After they moved to a retirement community in Pleasant Grove, her anxiety and depression became even more difficult for her to bear. One day in 2015, I was driving to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple and felt prompted to text her. I stopped by the next time I was in her area and that began the extensive amount of time I spent in her home trying to uplift and comfort her. She often texted me in between the visits and I tried to give her hope until the next visit. She was too anxious to drive very far and feeling trapped at home was part of her struggle. Sometimes her husband dropped her off at a hair salon and I would sit with her to keep her company. Then I would drive her back home. I encouraged her to drive when I was there and just tried to keep her calm from the passenger seat. Often, we would drive to Subway or Purple Turtle for lunch that way. Two other times, I attended an appointment with her psychiatrist and also with her cardiologist to provide moral support.

            After three years, nothing I did or said seemed to help for more than a couple hours. I felt exhausted trying to balance my visits with her, helping two of the women I wrote about previously, keeping up with my college classes, attending the temple regularly, and trying to still have time for my family. Finally, I made the difficult decision to stop visiting her, but we still texted back and forth quite a bit for 1 ½ more years. She sent me a text on the night our grandson was born in January 2020 to tell me she was having heart bypass surgery the next day. I had a strong feeling that she wouldn’t survive the surgery, so I texted back that I would pray for her, told her again how much I loved her, and that I was grateful for our friendship. She passed away from complications later that week. I attended her funeral and couldn’t help but be grateful, even though I was sad, that she was finally free of the mental and physical challenges that had plagued her for so many years.

            My time with each of these women helped me to understand that it’s important to try not to worry about the results when you reach out to others. Kindness or service to others doesn’t need to end in a certain result for the kindness or service to matter. I believe that my kindness mattered to Janell even though that situation didn’t end at all like I hoped it would. I believe it mattered to the others also, even though I wasn’t able to do as much as I wanted to for them. In another type of service, missionaries spend most of their time planting seeds. The changes in people’s lives usually take a long time. I continue to remind myself to not be overly concerned with the outcome of my efforts.

Chapter 24: Focusing Less on Outcomes (part 1)

* I woke up in the middle of the night with heartburn, which rarely happens anymore. So I got up and worked on this part of the story between 4:30am and 6:30am this morning. I still have more to write, but I will post this and come back to finish it soon.

            The main way the Spirit works in my life is that it prompts me to some kind of action. There are countless experiences I could share about this, but the one I want to focus on is how I met Janell. At the end of January 2014 (almost five months after my original prompting), the sister missionaries asked if they could stop by. I agreed and they showed us a video about doing missionary work in our everyday life. That prompted me to put several names on the temple prayer roll the next time I was there and Janell was one of them. Since I was out visiting people on most days, my hope was that the Lord would cross my path with hers. A couple weeks later in mid-February, I walked to the retirement community near our home, which was something I did regularly. I was helping a friend with several of her temple names and I tried to return the completed card each time. My friend wasn’t home that day, which was unusual, because her husband suffered from the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease. As I left her driveway, I was strongly prompted to knock on Janell’s door. She lived next door to this friend, but I never knocked on her door before because a few people in our ward had advised me to not attempt to visit her, since she was no longer interested in attending church.

            She answered the door and I had a brief conversation with her. I explained in my typical animated way that I was enjoying getting to know many of her neighbors to help overcome the social anxiety I had experienced for several years. I asked if I could call her to set up a time to come back and visit her also, since she didn’t have much time that day. She agreed, but I think it was mostly because she didn’t want to reject me entirely, since I explained my desire to visit her in such an enthusiastic way. I called her a few hours later and reminded her who I was. During the beginning of that call, she said (and I quote), “I am a psych nurse. Are you sure you’re not having a manic episode?” Even though she said it rather rudely, I just tried to laugh it off and explained again that I just wanted to get to know more people. I sincerely emphasized that “I used to think people were the problem and now I know people are the answer for me.” She wasn’t completely convinced, so I asked if I could call her back again sometime. I was feeling a sense of urgency, so I called her back two more times over the next few days. She was difficult to talk to at first, but I felt some hope because she continued to answer the phone and I’m fairly certain she had caller ID.

            During those conversations, I learned she was a convert to the church, but hadn’t attended in years. I promised her that I wasn’t trying to visit her because of a calling or church assignment, I just sincerely wanted to know her better. On the third call, I let her know that I wouldn’t keep bothering her if she wasn’t interested in developing a friendship. However, she genuinely surprised me by calling back a couple days later. We talked for almost 45 minutes about some really important and difficult things in both of our lives. For example, she shared that her only daughter had taken her own life in 1992 when she was 16 years old and that her only son had died in their bathtub from a drug overdose in 2007 when he was 25 years old. I think she thought telling me those sad experiences would scare me away, but I listened carefully and expressed as much empathy as I could for those deeply tragic losses. At the end of the call, I asked her if I could come over and visit her in the next few minutes and she agreed. I was so grateful for the trust that showed.

            I immediately walked over to her house after that phone call. Instead of being hesitant that time, she opened the door wide, smiled at me, and gave me a hug. I had quickly printed out a list of things that helped me overcome the debilitating depression I had experienced. I gave her that paper, along with a favorite kind of protein bar, since we had discussed a couple of simple physical fitness ideas during our phone call. I asked her if she would ever be interested in walking with me because I wanted more than anything to do something to help people who had experienced depression like I had. To my surprise, she said she would like to try that. So we decided right then that we would start walking together on weekday afternoons. It became very clear to me during our first walk that she was extremely depressed, so I didn’t know how much I could actually do to change her situation. However, as I discussed at the beginning of chapter 19, I learned from John Lund that all I needed to do was “love much and do what I can do.” The two things I could try to do were to walk with Janell as often as she would let me on weekday afternoons and try to bring joy and cheer into that small time I spent with her. I didn’t know how I could really make a difference for her, but I was willing to try to help in my small and simple way.

            My love for Janell grew quickly during the handful of walks we went on, even though we had very little in common. As we were walking back to her house one day, we talked with the woman who lived next door to her on the other side. She explained that she was planning to have those same sister missionaries over for dinner later that week and invited both of us to join them. I don’t think Janell would have agreed under any other circumstance, but I had already explained that I believed their message was the reason I was brave enough to knock on her door in the first place. Later that week, I returned to her home about a half hour before that dinner was supposed to happen. She invited me in to keep her company while she finished getting ready. Her husband, Dee, had started calling me “Wendy bird” (a reference to the Disney animated movie, Peter Pan) when he opened the door before some of our walks. Janell officially introduced me to him. Then I followed her back to their bedroom where I sat (and bounced a little) on her tall, comfy bed and talked with her while she finished getting ready for the dinner. I was a little nervous too, since I had rarely been to dinner at other people’s houses before. Most of those dinners had been when I was serving as a full-time missionary and they often made me feel anxious back then also. It ended up being an enjoyable dinner, though. One of the missionaries was very casual and fun. I remembered that from when they visited my house. She helped us both feel much more comfortable than we would have been otherwise, since we found out that the husband of the woman who had invited us had served as a full-time mission president several years earlier. I walked her home after dinner and gave her a hug.

            I think Janell and I walked a few more times after that and I was planning to walk with her for as long as she would let me. Unfortunately, she also took her own life over Easter weekend in mid-April 2014 (after we had only been walking together for just under two months). I called on the Monday after Easter to see when Janell would like to walk that afternoon. Dee was hesitant when I asked to talk with her and then, after a long pause, Janell’s half-sister picked up the phone. She felt sad about being the one to break the news to me and I remember just crumpling to my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks as she explained the few details she knew about what had happened that weekend. After we both cried as we talked for those minutes, I asked if she would allow me to come over and give her a hug in person. She agreed and I continued to cry as I told my husband.

            I then walked, with tears still streaming down my face, over to my good friend’s house who was serving as the Relief Society president. She was as shocked at hearing the news as I was, since I had talked to her about my happiness over the  progress I was making with Janell during our morning walks with the other women in the ward. She asked if she could call the bishop to tell him and I said that would probably be okay. Then she agreed to walk over to Janell’s house with me and I was so grateful for her support. The bishop drove over before we arrived to ask if the ward could help with a funeral. Dee agreed to a luncheon for the extended family after the graveside service, since Janell would be cremated. Our visit was more casual than that one and it was a comfort to Dee and Janell’s half-sister. My friend’s dad had taken his own life years earlier, so she expressed sincere empathy to them. Janell’s half-sister told me again that Janell had talked with her several times about the walks she had been on with me. She told me that she didn’t believe anyone else could have coaxed Janell out of her dark house and into the sunlight. I was so sad, but also very grateful for that confirmation of Janell’s friendship with me. She hugged me and then my friend and I slowly walked back home. Since my friend was the Relief Society president, she had asked for a rough estimate of how many would be attending the luncheon. So she was able to start planning for that with several other women in the ward after she walked me to my doorstep. I was grateful for her love and support, since I felt like I was still in shock over the situation. She gave me a long hug and then left.

            I attended the graveside service a few days later and took the opportunity to share a few thoughts at the microphone. When I found out what happened that Monday afternoon, I was devastated. I seriously wondered what all that time spent with Janell had been for because I really thought I was in her life to help save her life. However, God helped me know unmistakably that it was because He loves Janell and her family. Looking back, I was able to have a “goodbye” talk with her on one of our walks shortly before she died. I asked her what she thought of me when I first knocked on her door a couple of months earlier. She confirmed that she thought I was kind of crazy and we both laughed. (That seemed to be the consensus with most women I visited. Most of them thought I was trying to sell them something at first. They always seemed pleasantly surprised at the end of our visit that it actually was only about building a friendship.) Then I asked her what she thought that day as we were on that walk. She said something similar to her half-sister. There was no one else who could have convinced her to leave her dark house and walk out in the sunshine. I reminded her that I knocked on her door because God loves her and He wanted her to feel His love through me. Just simple, little me. I could tell that she was softening toward the gospel as we talked and walked and I believe she definitely left this life going in the right direction. I have always appreciated a quote by Neal A. Maxwell that says “Eternal things are always done in the process of time…. Direction is initially more important than speed”  (Relief Society Personal Study Guide 2: Learn of Me, “Love Within the Family,” p. 95).

Chapter 17: Divine Intersections

* I still have two stories to add at the end (or possibly in another chapter), but I wanted to post this as proof that my mind started working again! (I revisited this and posted a picture on August 15, 2020.)

            I believe that God orchestrates countless details behind the scenes in all of our lives to bless us and support us. I think this especially applies to the people who come into our lives – often at just the right time. Neal A. Maxwell explained: “You and I may call these intersectings ‘coincidence.’ This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by ‘coincidence’ but … by ‘divine design’” (“Brim with Joy,” BYU Speeches, 23 Jan. 1996). This chapter is longer than the others because it is all about the divine intersections God has orchestrated in my life over the past decade.

            Divine intersection #1. A woman in our previous ward lives with her husband in the retirement community near the home we lived in for 19 years. On the surface, it appears that we have nothing in common – she’s old enough to by my mother, she’s very well-connected with the socially elite, has been deeply involved in church and community service throughout her life, and has extremely useful talents and skills. However, we later discovered a few connections: both of our fathers were religion professors at BYU, we’re both the oldest child in our families of origin, and her younger brother was the bishop of the first ward John and I attended after being married. Prior to becoming friends, she called to ask me to share my testimony in her Easter lesson at the end of March 2013. She assured me that she had been strongly prompted to ask me and spent about 10 minutes coaxing me into agreeing. (This was before I began my visiting journey, so I wasn’t comfortable saying yes to anxiety producing experiences.) She was grateful that I was willing to participate in her lesson and we gradually became friends after that. Several years into our friendship, she explained that she had watched me force myself to come to church week after week, often with wet hair from a shower, wearing t-shirts under plain jumpers, and no jewelry. She felt prompted to be a friend, but wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. Since then, she has “watched me blossom” with growing confidence in the way I dress and take care of myself, in my interactions with other people, and the goals I’ve accomplished.

            I have often commented that she’s had a front row seat for all the changes I’ve made in my life over the past seven years and has been a mentor to me in many ways. We have enjoyed many long and uplifting conversations about our insights into the gospel. Several times, I have gone to her house or she has picked me up in her car when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. She has always been patient and compassionate as I have cried many tears and talked through my confusion and concern during challenging situations. We have attended the temple or visited the temple grounds together a few times, walked and talked under the shade of the trees in an office park near her home or sat in her peaceful back yard several times, and spent countless hours talking in her beautiful home. She was always willing to let me sit with her at church when my family stopped attending, she invited me over to sit by the cozy fireplace to watch the Christmas devotional with her and her husband one year, and her husband once gave me a Priesthood blessing of comfort. Prior to the pandemic, we had a tradition of treating each other to lunch at Zupas or Olive Garden for our birthdays and other special occasions. She was my most faithful supporter when I went back to college, she was a sounding board and proof reader for my papers, and celebrated with me when I finally earned my associate degree.

            As I look around my office and bedroom I still see several thoughtful gifts she’s given me over the years. A decorative wooden block in my office with this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley, “keep trying, keep believing, be happy, don’t get discouraged, things will work out.” A cheerful polka dot frame in my bedroom with a set of uplifting quote cards, but I have always kept it on one that inspired me the most. It’s one by A.A. Milne that is often quoted, “You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” When I moved into our new home, she gave me a wall hanging that says, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop.” When I graduated with my associate degree, she gave me a necklace that says, “I can do hard things.” She also gave me a Willow Tree statue of an angel because she often referred to me as an “earth angel” during my visiting journey. She has truly been an angel to me and I will always be grateful that God prompted her to become a much-needed friend at a crossroads in my life.

            Divine intersection #2 is with my favorite inspirational song writer and singer, Hilary Weeks. I attended a benefit concert in her home in August 2012. Then I attended a women’s conference in my mom’s stake where she was speaking and performing in February 2014. Even though I was feeling anxious, I immediately went up to the stand afterward to thank her for the uplifting influence she has had on my life and on the lives of some of the friends that I’ve shared her music with. I was thankful I took that opportunity, but looked down later and realized I had accidentally worn non-matching flats on my feet – which has never happened before or since. A few days later, I was strongly prompted to look up her phone number and call her. I thought it seemed like a crazy idea, but it was very similar to my original prompting that began my visiting journey, so I didn’t argue with it. I knew her address from attending the benefit concert, so I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to use it to find her phone number. I took a deep breath and dialed her number, thinking that I would just leave a message and that would be it. However, she “just happened” to be home watching the Olympics on TV that evening, instead of preparing for the next Time Out for Women. I realized that was why the prompting was so urgent in that moment. I had no idea what to say, but heard myself asking if she would ever let me visit her.  She said I should email her representative and that she would set something up.

            I ended up meeting her and her oldest daughter for lunch at the Trellis Café at Thanksgiving Point in July 2014. I paid for their lunch, we took a picture together, her daughter texted the picture to me, and I thought that was it. However, I was inspired to stop by their home and visited with her and her family briefly while I was out in Lehi one day, we ran into each other at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple another day and she remembered my name, then she agreed to meet me for breakfast the day before I had a surgery in March 2015. Again, I thought that was the last time I would spend time with her. However, one day in September 2016, I was leaving the Provo Temple and I ran into an old family friend, who ended up being Hilary’s current Relief Society president. That prompted me to buy tickets for back-to-back nights of Hilary’s CD launch concert. I drove with a good friend up to Kingsbury Hall on the U of U campus for the first night and then drove with another good friend up to Ogden for the second night. I talked with Hilary’s daughter and took a picture with her Relief Society president at the first concert, since we were sitting close to the front. I also waited in line to take a picture with Hilary after the concert. She was surprised that I would want to go to her concert two nights in a row, but they were both uplifting and worth-while experiences. I thought it was such a great way to end my association with Hilary. However, in December 2016 that same family friend invited me to attend their ward’s Christmas party in Woodland Hills, where Hilary would be performing. I had the opportunity to talk with Hilary for a few minutes before the dinner, where she said something that really helped me with a struggle I was currently dealing with, and then took a picture of her with her extended family afterward. I thought that was the last time I would see her. However, I received another prompting to attend a Love Your Life gathering in Woodland Hills that she co-hosted with Emily Belle Freeman in September 2017. I was able to talk afterward for a while with her representative that arranged our first lunch back in 2014 and took a picture with her, Hilary, and Emily.

            I now just subscribe to Hilary’s Live All In program and continue to text her occasionally. I emailed to tell her I was going to delete her phone number from my contacts back in November 2016 because I didn’t want to be annoying. She texted me right back with this, “Just saw your email and you are in big trouble! Add me back in your contacts immediately young lady! You are the best!” I texted her again in July 2019 to ask if she would allow me to use her lyrics in this book, since so much of my journey has been shaped by her music and lyrics. She texted back, “I think you could write an amazing book and it would be an honor for me to have the lyrics included! Let me know how it goes! You’ll do great!!!” I texted her one other notable time in April 2020 to send her pictures of the uplifting lyric cards I’ve used to decorated the walls in my office and to tell her I had been prompted to put her and her family on the temple prayer roll before the pandemic forced the closures. She replied, “What an absolutely sweet and thoughtful text. Thank you for all of it. Everything. You are an angel.” I’m grateful for her good influence on my life, both personally and through her music. She could have just considered me one of her many fans, but she remembered my name, spent some of her valuable time with me on a few occasions, and treated me like I was special. All of that mattered a lot to me during times when I really needed some special treatment.

             During the last decade, I have given away approximately 70 of her CDs to friends who I felt could benefit from her uplifting music. I’ve also purchased six of the leather cuffs she makes and sells on her website. I’ve given three away as gifts and have kept three to remind me of her kindness. Hilary wrote a song titled “Hero” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). The following lyrics explain how I feel about her personally:

…Quietly changing one life at a time

You may never know

What a difference you’ve made in mine…

A friend to the lonely, a light in the dark

You may never know

What a blessing you are…

I hope someday you’ll see

You’re a hero to me

 

            Divine intersection #3. I received the prompting that started my visiting journey on the evening of September 4, 2013. I realized that our stake institute class began meeting the next day, so I took a leap of faith and began attending the next morning because I thought it would be a great place to start “knowing more people in the stake,” as my prompting suggested. I attended the classes each Thursday morning for that entire school year, which gave me a greater appreciation and deeper understanding of The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. I also attended half of the classes the following year, where we studied the life of Christ in the 4 Gospels of the New Testament. I stayed after to talk with one of the teachers quite often and we became friends.

            She was involved in a program called “Dress Your Truth” and she shared it with me. Through the discovery process of that program, I learned that I was a type 1 – light and bright. Because of that, I donated all the clothes in my wardrobe that were black or dull colors, which didn’t flatter me anyway. I began wearing clothes with brighter hues, switched out most of my silver jewelry for mostly bright gold, and eventually cut my hair in a style that was shorter in back and more flattering to my face shape in the front. Those small adjustments helped to increase my self-confidence as I was continuing to overcome anxiety during my visiting adventure. A few years later, that same institute teacher served in the baptistry of the Provo Temple on Tuesdays. When I discovered that, I spent most Tuesday afternoons in the baptistry so I could see her and also work on my growing number of baptisms and confirmations. (I will discuss that more in a later chapter.) I will always be grateful for those ways that she influenced my life for good.

            Divine intersection #4. In addition to beginning my experience of attending stake institute classes after my prompting, I also had another first the morning following that original prompting. I decided to walk our daughter to the bus stop at 7:20am on September 5, 2013. After that, I started walking around the nearby track as part of my walking for the day. I noticed that a few women from our ward were walking ahead of me, but I didn’t pay much attention because, at that point, I rarely walked with other people. I was still mostly walking on my own to destinations around town. However, they “just happened” to notice me and waited for me where part of the path curved up to the cemetery on the hill above. They invited me to join them on their walk around the cemetery and I tried to decline, but they were persistent. I finally agreed to join them and thought to myself that it wouldn’t hurt to just walk with them and listen to the conversation. Well, this group of women included the current Relief Society president, the previous Relief Society president, and the wives of the bishop and one of his counselors. They are the kind of women who would have been in tune with the Spirit. They are also thoughtful and caring people, so they skillfully drew me into the conversation.

            I distinctly remember the very clear thought that came into my mind and I’m assuming it was a prompting as well, “You need to start walking with these women.” I don’t think I would have normally paid that close attention to it, but it followed the original prompting and I suddenly realized that our ward was part of the stake. Therefore, that was a way I could begin to “know more people in the stake.” Later that week, it was just me and the current Relief Society president that ended up walking. It gave us time to get to know each other better on a deeper level. She had been the Primary president several years earlier and I was called to teach the eight and nine-year-old children two years in a row – before I descended into the deep depression I was still recovering from. So we already knew each other and I considered her a friend, but we weren’t extremely close. During that walk I explained my prompting and asked if there was anyone she was worried about in the ward that could benefit from a visit. She mentioned a few women and they ended up being some of the first people I visited.

            I think it was probably part of God’s plan to have that one-on-one visit because it basically launched my visiting journey. As I continued to walk with the group on most mornings, my friendship with them deepened. I became especially close to this Relief Society president, though, and she was the first friend I told about John’s unbelief during the following year, since she also had stewardship over me in her calling. As the years passed, she has continued to be one of my dearest friends. (I eventually stopped walking with the group in the mornings because I didn’t have enough energy to walk with them and visit all the women I ended up having appointments with during my visiting journey.) I visited her regularly at her home during the following years and we sometimes went on drives to talk when we needed more privacy. We have comforted and supported each other through many struggles with our family members and life in general. She is the friend I attended the first Hilary Weeks concert with and she is one of the only friends from our previous neighborhood that visited me multiple times in our new home after we moved in March 2017.

            In the months that followed, one of the women in our walking group was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I was able to empathize with her because I had been diagnosed in January 2013. We also walked alone a few times and with just the Relief Society president several other times. During those particular walks, she realized I was a “much cooler person” than she had originally thought. Her only other experiences with me had been less positive because she was the Young Women president when our daughter was in that program. Our daughter had seizures for several years when she was younger and, unfortunately, spent her adolescent years slowly recovering emotionally, socially, and scholastically from the difficulties caused by the seizures and the medicine used to treat them. So, that was logistically difficult for this Young Women president when it came to planning activities and attending girls camp. I was grateful that she saw me in a different setting so we could become friends. Her gift is spirituality mixed with humor, so there was a lot of laughter during those walks – which is “good medicine,” as the saying goes.

            Divine intersection #5 is with a woman I visited in a different ward of our stake. I had seen her occasionally at elementary school functions years before, but had never talked with her more than just saying hello. I visited her in April 2014 and it was a nice visit, but I didn’t feel like we really clicked. A few months later, in September 2014, I kept seeing her walking up the hill near our home in the mornings and, every time I did, I literally wanted to abandon my car on the side of the road and just start walking with her! After that happened three times, I realized those were actually strong promptings and I finally decided to call and leave a voice mail message telling her just that. She called me back and we planned to start walking together in the beginning of October. It turned out that she needed to talk with me about some struggles she was having with some of her family members. After the first few walks, she felt that she could trust me and started confiding in me about situations she didn’t feel comfortable talking about with anyone else. We quickly became close friends and have comforted and supported each other through many struggles and difficult situations since then. She is another dear friend who has continued to visit me after we moved across town. She drives to my house and then we enjoy walking and talking on the path next to the river. The sound of the water and shade from the trees makes it a very relaxing and healing experience for us. Sometimes our lives become busy and we don’t see each other for a few weeks or sometimes months, but when life settles down, it is easy for us to pick up right where we left off. I love friendships like that.  

            Divine intersection #6. About 19 months into my visiting journey, I decided to stretch myself in a way that wouldn’t have been possible previously. I volunteered to be a chaperone on the high school choir tour to Seattle in April 2015. It was my last chance to support our daughter (who needed my support on a trip that long), since she was a senior that year. Our son was a sophomore and would also be going, but he was very independent and didn’t want any attention from me. I made a goal to continue my visiting by talking with each of the other twelve women who were chaperones on the buses. It took some creativity and bravery, but I was able to have one-on-one conversations with each of them at some point during those four days. One of the women was later killed in a tragic bike accident and I’ve always been so grateful that I took the opportunity to get to know her on that trip. I also walked and talked with two other women who helped chaperone after we returned and I appreciated getting to know them on a deeper level.

            There was one woman, in particular, that I felt strongly prompted to get to know better. So I decided to start walking around the first museum with her on the day after we arrived in Seattle. I felt like we clicked almost immediately and I was so grateful for her company that day, since our children were off having fun with the other students. When we went to the third museum of the day, I was prompted to ask her a deeper question, which created an opportunity for us to talk about spiritual topics from that point on. We still joke occasionally how we were having this testimony-building conversation in a mostly dark area of the Pop Culture Museum while the sound of light sabers were echoing all around us. We ended up spending most of our free time together on the remaining days of the tour and sat by each other on the bus ride home. That gave us a long time to talk and I felt like we had always known each other by the time we arrived home again. After we returned, we attended the temple together, we’ve walked and talked off and on ever since, and our new house is within walking distance of hers. Similar to the first friend I wrote about, we don’t appear to have anything in common on the surface. Our daughter graduated from high school the same year as her youngest daughter, but that’s about it. However, we’ve had similar struggles in several areas and have appreciated each other’s support as we’ve talked through them again and again.

            I feel so blessed that God crossed my path with each of these amazing women when He did. They each fill a different need in my life and I am so grateful for their support and love. My patriarchal blessing says, “You will have stumbling blocks come before you. There will be friends raised up to help you over them. Use these stumbling blocks as stepping stones.” These friends have each, in their own unique ways, helped me turn many of my stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Writer's block

I am having a difficult time moving forward on the last third of my book. (I have written 24 short chapters and have roughly 15 to go.) 

So, I went back and added content to the previous two chapters on connection and vulnerability. I also rearranged and polished the paragraphs on connection. In addition, I added some links to those posts and a couple more links to the glossary of terms on the sidebar. 

I am trying not to allow myself to be discouraged, but it's been a struggle today. I want to stay true to the table of contents that I felt inspired to create last year at this time. However, I don't have as much practice writing about the events in the last two sections. 

I have also been confused about what to include in the chapter on authenticity, since it overlaps so much with the information in the chapters on connection and vulnerability. I'm leaning toward writing about what I've learned about overcoming perfectionism in that chapter. I just need to get some content written, so hopefully that will be enough to get my brain unstuck again.

After that, I need to focus on the two chapters where I share experiences about specific people I met during my visiting journey. I don't think I should use their actual names, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle that. I think I just need some uninterrupted time to string those experiences and memories together. 

Finally, I have no idea what the title should be. If it just ends up being my personal history, then that's not an issue. However, if I ever did try to publish it, that small detail is actually a big deal. 

That's too far in the future to worry about, though. I just need to deal with tomorrow. 

Chapter 16: Connection is Critical

* I have pieced this together several different ways and I still think the paragraphs need polishing. I'm going to come back to it with fresh eyes another time. (I added more content and rearranged several more sentences on July 28, 2020.)

            The final missing link for me was connection with the people around me. I never fully realized that because of the social anxiety I felt for so many years. However, being with people has made all the difference. Dr. Brené Brown is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who has studied connection and empathy for many years. I learned from her that connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. 

            The original prompting to “know more people in the stake” happened on the evening of September 4, 2013. God went big with that prompting. He didn’t tell me who I should know, so I figured I just needed to try to know everyone. I started with women in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. Then, I gradually branched out to the other wards in our stake (since that was the word used in my prompting). I continued to receive promptings and, as I acted each time, I was gradually able to face and overcome my fears. Visiting with women helped me to regularly challenge my social anxiety and I began to focus on problems and struggles outside of my own. When I knew more about the women, I could begin to love and serve them. Plus, I learned something from every person I spent time with and that helped me to continue to progress. As I practiced visiting, my courage and capacity increased. God knows how to do His work and miracles occurred during the time I spent with several women.

            People sometimes wonder how I decided who to visit. At first, I just tried to act on any opportunity to talk with people, since each conversation helped me to more fully face my fears. Then I began interacting with people in a much more deliberate way. It started with making a goal to meet as many women as I could before and after stake activities. As I developed more courage, I looked over ward lists and called or emailed women whose names stood out to me to see if they would let me visit them. Sometimes, I would just knock on doors of the houses I felt drawn to while I was out walking each day. Occasionally, the women I visited would give me a name of another woman that would benefit from a visit. At one point, I was strongly inspired to visit all the Relief Society presidents and bishop’s wives in the stake as well. I also spoke directly to several of the bishops to find out the needs of the women in their wards. Three of the bishops gave me a name of a woman in their ward who struggled with depression. At first, many of the women thought I was selling something, but they were pleasantly surprised when that never came up in our visits. 

            A few months into the visiting, I realized that I was supposed to consider this as an unofficial full-time mission, so I visited for several hours on most days for 23 months. (I had two surgeries during that time, so I wanted to make sure I gave the Lord the full 18 months.) I wanted to show God how I would have served with my whole heart on my actual full-time mission in 1993 and 1994 if I hadn’t been so depressed and anxious for most of that time. I continued to visit on a more casual level for several years after that as well. I ended up visiting approximately 500 women in our stake and I eventually stretched myself even more to visit old friends. My visiting journey took me all over the Wasatch Front of north-central Utah (as far as Payson in the south, to Saratoga Springs and Eagle Mountain in the west, and as far as Layton in the north). The whole process was Spirit-led and I really didn't have my own agenda. 

            Visiting gave me opportunities to learn how to develop close friendships and to help other women who also struggle with emotional or physical challenges. I am so grateful for the lasting friendships I developed with several of the women in my neighborhood. I learned from Brené Brown that connection is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. Because of our close connection, we shared very important and personal details about our lives with each other, which helped us feel validated, encouraged, and loved. These friends have helped me through many challenges and I've been grateful for the chance to support them in some of their challenges as well.         

            During my visiting journey, I decided I would try to be “the friend of the friendless.” That way, they would each have a friend and I would have more friends as well. Learning to visit helped me take the focus off myself and my own struggles. My perspective gradually switched to other people and how I could help them. Most of the women I was prompted to visit needed what I had to offer and I even started walking or visiting regularly with a few who struggled with depression. They knew they could trust me because I was able to show them empathy from my similar experiences. I learned from Brené Brown that empathy fuels connection. It is being willing to recognize another person’s perspective. It is staying out of judgment. It is recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. Empathy is feeling with people. It is expressing that you know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and that they are not alone. As time went on, I gradually learned that I didn’t have to be at the same level of friendship with everyone, which was an important distinction for me to understand. 

            Later, I was asked on several different occasions how I coped with feeling overwhelmed, used, or burned out in the process of trying to help people with ongoing difficult struggles. I have compiled a few of my answers that continue to be a good reference for me. The main answer is that Jesus is the only One with the power to save us. Our part is to turn our lives over to Him and to point those we love and are concerned about toward Him. Sometimes, our wells may feel like they are empty while we are giving all we can and trying to help people who need a lot of attention. The best way I have learned to handle that is to always pray for them and then turn the situation over to God after we have done all we are able to do each day. If we focus on building and strengthening them, they will be more able to overcome their own challenges with God’s help. During the whole process, it is really important to love people right where they are. This also includes ourselves! We need to learn to see the good in others while we are trying to help them overcome bad habits or challenges and reach the potential they may not even see yet.         

            As I went along, I realized “there are several ways up a mountain” and I needed to find different ways to reach the women I hoped to visit. I needed to learn to trust my instincts and be willing to accept rejection. I gradually learned to be “thick skinned” and vulnerable at the same time. I had to be okay with most of the women not wanting me to come back for a second visit. (I visited approximately 500 women, but I visited many of those women more than once. I ended up visiting the ones who needed the most help several times.) Some visits were very uncomfortable and I often stumbled over my words. To this day, I’m not sure why I was supposed to visit a few of the women. During those particular visits, I reminded myself that there will never be a time when it is okay to not be kind. This also applies to challenging relationships with a family member or someone we are trying to help in general. God can help us find the balance of maintaining boundaries and being assertive, while still being kind and loving. We may need to reevaluate occasionally how we can be less rigid or judgemental in our interactions with other people. If there are differences in religious belief, it’s important to remember not to dilute doctrine, but we can always soften the way we interact with people.

            In summary, I was still very anxious in the beginning. At first, it was all about me – until I figured out what I needed to do. I used to not understand how I could serve people because I don’t cook, sew, or have other obvious talents. However, God gradually showed me what I could do as I continued visiting and He gave me the confidence to stretch out of my comfort zone to do it. I learned to look beyond my own needs and made myself vulnerable in the process. Occasionally, the anxiety would overwhelm me again and I had to remind myself why I was visiting in the first place. The original prompting continued to build my confidence, though, and I knew it wasn’t about me anymore. This journey changed my life in significant ways and I will never be the same. Instead of hiding, I learned to look outward. I truly found myself as I lost myself in loving and serving other people. 

Chapter 23: Daring to Be Vulnerable

* I added some content to the last paragraph on July 28, 2020.

            Pam Hansen is the author of Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph Over Obesity (2005). It took courage and vulnerability to share her story in such an honest and open way. As a result, she has helped and inspired many other people struggling with their own tragedies and weight loss journeys. We used to live in the same neighborhood as Pam’s family and I feel like we have a common thread in our stories. She was very depressed and went out for a walk one day in spring 2001. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in her losing 100 pounds in one year, completing three marathons, and founding the annual Running with Angels 5K run/walk in 2005. In a similar way, I was also very depressed with a different set of struggles and went out for a walk one day in 2011. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in me losing 46 pounds in 15 months, learning to deal with mental and physical challenges in a healthier way, and visiting approximately 500 women beginning in fall 2013.

            Pam also wrote Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality,Body Image, and Self-Worth (2008). When I visited her in 2014, she gave me an autographed copy as a gift. I appreciated her thoughtfulness during that visit. I have also been grateful for the kindness and love she has continued to show me. We went out for a healthy treat so we could visit one other time. During that visit, she gave me the gift of Liquid Sunshine in a pump soap from Bath and Body Works. That was the perfect gift, since her cheerful smile and sincere hugs have brightened several of my days during the time I’ve known her.

            In 2015, I walked in the Running with Angels 5K at Thanksgiving Point Gardens with a friend who was also trying to overcome her own challenges with mental illness and obesity. On page 57 of her first book, Pam wrote, “Change takes place one step at a time.” That is a main theme in my book as well. Writing is very difficult for me and I admire her ability to write two inspirational books in such a skillful and uplifting way. Her willingness to be vulnerable has blessed my life and I want to continue trying to follow her good example.

            I am grateful for the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will briefly summarize what I’ve learned from her about vulnerability and connection. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We need to be willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We need to learn to embrace vulnerability and understand that vulnerability is not weakness. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1).

            A good friend recently reminded me about this talk by Joy D. Jones. “Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth…. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less! We continue to … strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.”
            She continued, “Despite this marvelous truth, how many of us struggle, from time to time, with negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves? I do. It’s an easy trap. … Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well. Instead it holds us back. As we’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ In contrast, the Lord assures us that when we have virtuous thoughts, He will bless us with confidence, even the confidence to know who we really are. …We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives; but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost verifying the truth of our spiritual worth… If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves…. If we choose to focus on our negative thoughts and doubt our worth instead of clinging to the Savior, it becomes more difficult to feel the impressions of the Holy Ghost…. Let’s not be confused about who we are! While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence … As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            I recently listened to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. I was reminded again that it's okay to not know how to do something, to do it wrong, and to make mistakes. Failing is actually the best way to eventually succeed. Learning to own everything about ourselves and being willing to go through life with our flaws and humanity showing is at the core of vulnerability. These important questions were asked: “What if our value was untouched by our humanness? What if we seriously believed that?” We can be flawed and still be worthy of love and acceptance (“Vulnerability,” Pivot Parenting, 28 July 2020). I have been taught these concepts my whole life, but the way she phrased those questions was very helpful to me. When we clearly remember who we are, it gives us confidence to be our true selves. When we are willing to connect with others in a real, authentic, and vulnerable way, it allows them to see us. As we dare to be vulnerable and open in this way, it will help others have the courage to do the same. That is how our hearts can become “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (see Mosiah 18:21). We actually need to know what is in each other’s hearts for that miracle to happen.           

Chapter 20: Observe and Serve

* It took me all day to piece this post together. I was very discouraged, but I'm grateful that I was able to push through it.

            Linda K. Burton gave this helpful counsel, “For some, serving or ministering one by one, following the Savior’s example, doesn’t come easily. But with practice, each of us can become more like the Savior as we serve God’s children. To help us better love one another, I would like to suggest four words to remember: ‘First observe, then serve’” (“First Observe, Then Serve,” Ensign, Nov. 2012). I learned a lot about that from the first two homes I was inspired to visit. My first visit was to a woman in her 80s. Her husband died many years ago and she wasn’t able to drive anymore. I had already developed the habit of attending the temple weekly over the previous two years, so I took her to the temple almost every week between September 2013 and November 2015. I really appreciated the opportunity to serve her in that way. 

                The second visit was to a woman about my age. I had communicated with her previously by email, but had never been in her home. During our initial visit, I learned that she, her husband, and their children had many struggles in several areas – physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and social. Her mom lived there too and I ended up visiting them almost every day for over a year. They helped me to develop the confidence I needed to continue visiting many other women. Since I was in their home so often, I learned how to observe what needed to be done and then I would choose one task and try to do it. I don’t have very many talents or skills, but one thing I could do was take out their garbage. So I did that almost every time I went over. I also swept the floor in their front room and did their dishes a few times. I raked up all their leaves once and mowed their lawn another time. Occasionally, I drove my friend to the store and, sometimes, I contributed money to help them buy their groceries. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference overall, but it showed her that I really cared and wanted to help where I could. During that process, I learned the concept of "practice makes better."

                After a few months of visiting them, my friend's mom decided to renew her temple recommend. Then she started attending the temple with me and the other older woman almost every week. After a while, she began working on her family history again. Since she was baptized as a young adult, she was the only member of the church in her extended family. So there was a lot of work to be done and I began helping her with it when we would attend the temple each week. One general lesson I learned from that experience is that, in the beginning, I was probably enabling them to continue in their old habits, even though that wasn't my intention. I also learned that I couldn't fix their problems for them, no matter how hard I tried. However, as I spent more time with them, I started to realize that my friend's mom was becoming stronger because of her time in the temple. She was able to make some improvements in her own life and I believe that started to have a positive effect on others in the home. She was able to take some positive steps once the Lord helped me to get the ball rolling.   

            There is a verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ that provides some additional guidance about how to serve. “…Impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants” (Mosiah 4:26). Two phrases stand out to me in that verse. First, we can’t give what we don’t have. Therefore, it's important to do all we can to build up a surplus of physical energy, spirituality, and financial savings. This occurs gradually like drops in a bucket. Focusing on steadily building up these reserves is helpful in our own lives, but it also allows us to share our blessings with others. If we don’t have financial reserves, we can regularly declutter the excess “stuff” in our lives and donate it to people who need it more than we do. Second, sometimes we don’t think about serving people according to their wants. However, I believe that’s more like the way WE would want to be served. When people begin to feel more comfortable in their difficult circumstances, our love will probably be felt in a much deeper way than if we only focused on the bare minimum need. Conversely, we may attend to someone’s surface wants and discover, in the process, the core need they aren’t broadcasting. When we are in tune spiritually, those needs often become more apparent. 

                Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other … In the Doctrine and Covenants we read about how important it is to '… succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees' (D&C 81:5). So often, our acts of service consist of simple encouragement or of giving mundane help with mundane tasks, but what glorious consequences can flow from mundane acts and from small but deliberate deeds” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974). 

           Jesus "went about doing good" (Acts 10:38) and we can too, in both small and big ways. Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28 gives some additional insight, “…Men (and women) should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them…” There is no greater cause than to reach out in love to others. One of the ways to increase that power is to practice observing the needs around us. M. Russell Ballard explained, “Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands ‘anxiously engaged in a good cause.’… There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference… In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help…. If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible” (“Be Anxiously Engaged,” Ensign, Nov. 2012).

            I once taught a lesson to the women in our church congregation and several phrases stood out to me. “The thoughtful little things of life” add up. “These acts of kindness were not isolated occurrences but part of a lifelong pattern.” When we remember that “God is our Father, and that we are his children, and that all men are brothers and sisters in the same eternal family,” we can pray for a greater “desire to love and bless” those around us. “I think if all men knew and understood who they are, and were aware of the divine source from whence they came, … they would have feelings of kindness... for each other that would change their whole way of living and bring peace on earth” (“Love and Concern for All of God’s Children,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, p. 254). The two great commandments, to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves, build on each other (See Matthew 22:37-40). Learning to love ourselves is part of building up the surplus I was referring to earlier. The more we love God, the easier it is to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we have more confidence and desire to reach out to others in love and kindness.  And we love and serve others, we are showing God how much we love Him.

             Jesus taught us to leave the 99 to go after the one who is in need of spiritual or physical help. It seems to me that we all take turns being the one. We all need saving. We really do need each other. Living these two great commandments and following the Savior’s example of love may seem difficult or overwhelming to us. However, it is really the simplest way to think about the gospel as a whole. I love this picture of loving hands. 

We can wipe a tear, hold a hand, give a pat of encouragement, or lift someone up with our hands. If we are trying to act as hands on earth for Heavenly Father and Jesus to work through, we are truly living the gospel.