I'm looking forward to seeing this in the theater with my husband on the evening of December 9th. :)
Saturday, November 6, 2021
Saturday, June 19, 2021
Dare to be an ally
This was my Instagram post this morning:
In honor of our LBTQIA+ and black brothers and sisters.
@q.noor
Being an ally and working to end stigma and prejudice is holy work. It is part of our baptismal covenant to "bear one another's burdens that they may be light[er] . . . and comfort those who stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9). I hope and pray that we will all try harder to be inclusive of marginalized people in our sphere of influence.
@generalconferencedaily
Monday, June 14, 2021
Current Preface for My Upcoming Book ~ "Practice Makes Better" and Other Perspective Shifts of a Recovering Perfectionist
During the past six years, many
people have encouraged me to write a book about my experiences. I never thought
seriously about actually attempting it because it always felt too overwhelming.
Then, I was asked to give a devotional in August 2015 to a group of women on
the topic of reaching out to others with love. I was also asked to give the
devotional to two other groups of women in April 2016 and January 2017.
That was the first time I tried to
write down a summary of my experiences and my presentation evolved each time I gave
it. I also wrote about different aspects of my story in several papers when I
returned to college between August 2015 and November 2019. However, I still had
no idea how to proceed with something larger.
My friends continued to tell me,
“People need to hear your story,” and I continued to respond that they should
write it for me. No one was interested in taking on the project, and I can’t
blame them. In August 2019, I was finally given enough inspiration to create a
more detailed outline and table of contents for this book, but I hit another
mental block after writing the first chapter.
The COVID-19 pandemic descended upon
the entire world in 2020 and normal operations in our area were shut down by
mid-March. During the first few months of the pandemic, I stayed busy with
being a grandma for the first time, completing various organization projects,
and working on family history.
In July 2020, I felt inspired to
sign up for a complimentary 40-minute call with a life coach who specialized in
organization. I followed through with that prompting, although it didn’t make
sense, since I was already working with a life coach. During that phone call,
she pointed out that I didn’t need to wait until I felt organized enough to
begin writing this book. Instead, she encouraged me to just start writing ten
minutes each day.
This is common advice that can be
applied to almost any area of life in which a person feels overwhelmed—and the
timing was finally right for this project. For about five weeks, I wrote for
much longer than ten minutes each day until I completed the first draft. I
considered that a miracle. I felt a mixture of deep gratitude and relief not to
have the original expectation hanging over my head anymore.
A few close friends and family members were generous
with their time and gave me feedback on several revisions of this
book. Originally, the earlier chapters included the overarching lessons I
learned that helped shape my journey. It was recommended that I begin with my
personal experiences instead. So, I have spread these life lessons throughout
the experiences I share. All of the events in this book actually occurred,
but I am using fictitious names for each of the people I mention (except for my
family members) to protect their privacy.
Since there are many threads to my story, it felt impossible
to weave them together into one fluid storyline. Therefore, each of
the five parts of this book represents an important aspect of my journey. Some
details are repeated in the different chapters to provide continuity.
One important theme is the word of the year. I have been grateful for the way
these words influenced my progress during each year they are mentioned.
This book is written from my
perspective as an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints.[1] However, my purpose is not
to preach or convert. I hope people of all beliefs will feel comfortable
reading about the experiences I share. For that reason, I have tried to explain
terms from our church culture and doctrine that may be unfamiliar to some.[2] All scripture passages
come from the Church’s standardized editions of the scriptures, which include
the King James Version of the Bible.[3]
I have tried to write each
experience from the perspective of how I was feeling at the time. I have also
tried to show how my ability to adapt and understand situations from a different
perspective progressed over time. So, if something in the earlier chapters
seems judgmental, close-minded, or one-sided—please understand that I was expressing
how I felt in the messy middle of my journey. I’m still struggling through the
messy middle in many ways, but I am grateful that I have been blessed with more
clarity and a deeper understanding as I continue on my journey.
As I have walked and talked with women over the past eight years, we’ve solved many of life’s problems while enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. I’ve noticed that it is often more difficult to apply the principles we’ve discussed and the answers we’ve discovered when we return to our homes and lives. Admittedly, I haven’t fully incorporated all of the ideas I share in this book, but I continue to improve as a result of them. I hope they will have a positive impact in your life as well.
The Influence of Hilary Weeks
The
inspirational music of Hilary Weeks, and especially her uplifting lyrics, have
been the driving force behind much of my progress during the past decade. In
fact, this book probably wouldn’t have been written if it weren’t for her
powerful lyrics. She is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, whose
messages focus on Christ and His grace. She has also written many songs about
reaching our potential through perseverance and optimism.
Originally,
I was planning to include her lyrics in most of the chapters and Hilary granted
permission to do that. I was also planning to include a list of her most
influential songs in my life. Ultimately, I decided to just share my
experiences with her and her music in several chapters of the book. However, I strongly
invite you to subscribe to her annual Live All In program[4] and look up the music from the CDs on her
website.[5]
A Note About Perfectionism
I don’t read as much as most people
I know. I get hung up in the highlighting. I’m also a relatively late learner
and slow adopter of habits. It takes me a while to warm up to new things and
especially new technology. I’m now very grateful for the Gospel Library app and
for books on Kindle. Both have made highlighting less messy and more precise.
It is also much easier to find notes that I’ve written in the “margins,” which was
helpful during this project.
Writing, and especially editing, this
book was another step in learning to overcome my perfectionistic tendencies.
When I finished the final draft, my plan was to have a few friends continue to read
through it and suggest corrections, as they did in the earlier revisions. However,
that would have prolonged the process and it would have allowed additional doubt
to enter my already anxious mind. Since everyone looks through their own unique
life lens, each person’s feedback was different and, sometimes, their recommendations
contradicted each other.
The bottom line is that this book
will have flaws. I have read through it more times than I can count. I have edited
and polished it multiple times. There may still be sentences that could have
been constructed better and passages that could have been written more clearly.
There will probably still be errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling. There
might even be sections that could have been left out. However, this book was
written from my heart with the intent to uplift.
I sincerely hope that each reader
will find something within these pages that was meant just for you. If there
are sections that seem uninteresting or nonapplicable, feel free to skip them.
If there are beliefs, opinions, or philosophies that don’t resonate, feel free
to move on to another section. At the minimum, though, I ask that the point of
this book be remembered. It isn’t supposed to be perfect. We live in an
imperfect world. Each person is a work in progress. And that is okay. Take a
deep breath with me . . . and embrace the imperfection.
[1] The original New Testament church was called The Church of Jesus Christ and the members were called “saints.” The restored church in our time is called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
[2] For more general information and questions, see https://comeuntochrist.org. For more detailed information, see https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/intro or https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/topics/church-organization/the-church-of-jesus-christ.
[3] See https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures.
[4] See https://liveallintoday.com.
Monday, May 24, 2021
Facebook Live for Hilary Weeks' "Live All In" program
Now and Then
 |
| John and Wendi (April 2021) |
 |
| Me and Hilary (Autumntide with Emily Freeman in fall 2017; ward Christmas party and concert in 2016; lunch date with Kenzie in summer 2014) |
 |
| Benefit concert in Hilary's previous home in August 2012 |
Monday, February 1, 2021
My Second Podcast
I was grateful for the opportunity to share my story on Richard Ostler's Listen, Learn, and Love podcast. The Zoom call was on January 18th and the episode was published over the weekend. This is his summary:
Episode 377: Wendi Jagerson, Active LDS, Bipolar, MS, Family Left the Church
My friend Wendi Jagerson, married mother of two and one grandson, bravely shares her journey with complicated life challenges that started after her successful mission in the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area. Wendi starts with her journey with Bipolar II Disorder which was diagnosed in 1995. Wendi talks about how it eventually became very difficult to leave her own home and how she wasn't able to enjoy church or social contact for several years. Wendi talks about her journey to find hope and healing.
Wendi continues with her husband John opening up about his unbelief in 2012 (he is an atheist) and her two adult children also leaving the Church. Wendi talks about how she loves and admires John and how she is keeping the family circle strong and together, while leaving all this at the Savior’s feet. It is a remarkable love story including the birth of their grandson.
Wendi also shares about her MS diagnosis in 2013.
Wendi’s life is very different than she envisioned flying home from her mission in 1994. But Wendi’s story, like many of our stories, is about the realities of mortality—and how to find hope and healing living with those realities—and the role of therapists, medication, friends, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ to give perspective to move forward.
If you are in a tough spot, please listen to Wendi's story. It will give you hope and better tools to move forward. Thank you Wendi for the courage to share your story. You and your family are awesome.
Richard 'Papa' Ostler
- The podcast is listed under three different categories on three different platforms, so I hope it helps the people who need to hear it!
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
My Podcast Interview
I listened to this podcast right after I woke up this morning.
I've been so nervous ever since Tamara asked to interview me right after General Conference. The interview was via Zoom back on October 14th.
I'm so grateful it wasn't a disaster! That means God was totally involved. So, yay!!
I'm also grateful to have this small summary of my journey--since my book isn't nearly as easy to get through. Writing is still so hard for me and I'm still such a beginner.
I've been listening to her book on Audible and I'm seriously so impressed with Tamara's talent--with that and with the podcast.
I'm really grateful that she reached out to me, so that I could meet her.
I've gone back to listen to several of her podcasts, and I always feel uplifted. It's a great resource during these COVID-19 times and also as we head into the gray days of winter.
I hope there will be something helpful in what I say, if you choose to listen to it.
- Here is the information she sent me this morning:
Your interview is LIVE and will be listened to by the Stories of Hope in Hard Times audience today! That is pretty sweet considering you rocked the interview!
I will be sharing your podcast on all of my social media accounts—Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Your podcast information will also go out in my newsletter today.
Thank you for sharing such an amazing story of hope!
Click this link to listen to your podcast and see your show notes and transcript on my website.
You can also find it on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuGdoLgmpls
You can also listen to your show on other podcasting apps and websites: iTunes or Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Soundcloud, YouTube, iHeartRadio, and even at https://resiliencetalk.airtime.pro/#.
Have an awesome day and enjoy sharing your story of hope!
Tamara
Sunday, October 11, 2020
Doubt and fear during moments of emotional struggle
Last night, it felt like I was starting to slide back into a depression. (Bipolar disorder is so tricky because the cycles can occur several times during a day, week, month, or year.)
I felt so sure that I was supposed to post all those details about my recent struggle on Friday, but then I started to panic that it was divulging too much personal information for anyone to read. (And what if it was just because I was having a hypomanic episode?)
I wondered who else might read this blog, since the podcast host read it prior to deciding to invite me as a guest next week. However, if she felt inspired that my story could help other people, then maybe that was one of the reasons it was important to make my blog public in the first place.
I used this blog as an accountability tool as I struggled to write the first draft of my book. I have edited parts 1-3 so far and have made hundreds of revisions to what was originally posted here. However, I have put the project away for awhile, since it has been one of several activities that have taken my focus away from my family.
I switched this blog to a private one last night before bed, so that I could stop worrying while I was trying to go to sleep.
This morning, I decided that it was important to leave it public, in case it can help someone who is struggling.
There may be flawed links or errors in my writing (especially since the original posts are just first drafts of those chapters). There is also a lot of repetitive information as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings in the recent posts.
Bottom line: I am a flawed and imperfect human who struggles with mental illness. However, God can use me, or anyone else who is willing, to bless the lives of His children. Sometimes He uses our weaknesses to help others who struggle in the same way. That is my hope with leaving this blog available.
Happy Sabbath. :)
Friday, October 9, 2020
Recording the "great things" God has done
I spent about eight hours posting these eleven posts today. I was wondering if I had just been completely obsessive, but then I remembered 3 Nephi 23:9-14 ~
11 And Jesus said unto them: How be it that ye have not written this thing, that many saints did arise and appear unto many and did minister unto them?12 And it came to pass that Nephi remembered that this thing had not been written.
13 And it came to pass that Jesus commanded that it should be written; therefore it was written according as he commanded.
The things I wrote were some of the "great things" that God has done for me over the past six weeks.
I posted the four thought downloads I sent my life coach between Saturday morning (before General Conference began) and Wednesday evening (prior to our session on Thursday afternoon).
I made four separate posts of the details about my four spiritual experiences that pierced through the darkness of the past six weeks:
- Scripture study on August 30th: Learning to love myself through remembering Christ
- Digital fireside on August 31st: Encouragement to continue, even when discouraged
- Digital fireside on September 19th: "More Purpose in Prayer"
- My answer during General Conference: Turn your full focus to Jesus Christ
Plus, a few posts about corresponding with a potential new therapist (we have a preliminary phone call on Monday afternoon) and preparing for the podcast.
Unexpected invitation and God's timing
Yesterday afternoon, I was unexpectedly invited to be a guest on the "Stories of Hope in Hard Times" podcast. The text from Tamara K. Anderson came as I was having a Zoom call with my life coach yesterday afternoon.
- I explained in my reply:
We were discussing how my faith in Jesus Christ can help me learn to see myself as He does and how my value isn't connected to my productivity or my challenges. I just surfaced from a few weeks of a difficult depression, so if your text had come a day earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to accept your invitation. Thank you for the opportunity to try to be helpful to your listeners. I didn't write much from a spiritual angle, but I can talk more about that if you would like me to.
- This is how Tamara described her podcast in the follow-up email:
"My goal is to spread hope, especially to those who are exhausted and overwhelmed right now in their trials. More than anything I want people to glean a glimmer of hope as they listen. Hopefully they will leave uplifted and with the idea that 'if they could do that, I can hang in there a bit longer in my trials.'"
- I sent her the completed questionnaire and "head shot" yesterday evening and she responded this morning:
- This is the reply I just sent:
I wrote several long "thought downloads" to my life coach beginning on Saturday (before General Conference) and ending Wednesday evening. The combination of ten hours of General Conference, lots of prayer, and emptying out my brain like that are the reasons I finally pulled out of my depression. I had to put away my book on September 17th after several revisions of parts 1-3 because it was just making the situation worse.
I had the chance to walk and talk with two dear friends on the Friday before and the Monday after General Conference. I hadn't seen either of them during the previous weeks of depression.
Then my younger sister "just happened" to drive here from Colorado a day earlier than planned on Wednesday night and we walked and talked yesterday morning.
She is my only sister and is one of my dearest friends. She understands and loves me completely, even though she knows all the less than positive things about me and my life. I read the thought download emails to her toward the end of our walk. As she was leaving, she said that she thinks I didn't have a mental block or a "nervous breakdown" over my book--she thinks there is just more of my journey that will need to be included before I can finish it. I had never thought of it that way and it gave me hope. Writing is very difficult for me and it doesn't come naturally. It helped me to not feel like I failed at something I worked so hard on after all.
After listening to a couple of your podcast episodes, I decided to post those thought downloads on my blog today.
Your invitation came at precisely the right time. God prepared me to be able to say yes--and gave me time to be introspective, which may help us talk about what most needs to be said for your listeners during the interview. I will continue to be prayerful between now and then.
***
One other side note: Tamara is the cousin-in-law of my good friend. My friend, her children, brother, and parents have all helped me with many temple ordinances. I am so grateful to her and them. She sent me this text on July 2nd:
"I was just talking to my cousin's wife who does a podcast on having hope during hard times. She asked if I had anyone I thought she should interview and I sent her your number because I think you are amazing and articulate. So if you hear from Tamara Anderson it's my fault."
My friend is a BYU English professor, so that is high praise coming from someone who is as amazing and articulate as she is.
I thought Tamara would never contact me and I hadn't thought of it since that text. So, here we are a little over three months later.
God's timing. I'm so grateful for how he orchestrates so much behind the scenes to bless each of us.
Podcast preparation
- This is how I filled out the questionnaire the host of the podcast sent yesterday afternoon:
Wendi grew up in Palmyra, New York; Orem, Utah; Tallahassee, Florida; and Longmont, Colorado. She has been married to John for a quarter of a century. They are the parents of two adult children and grandparents to a very loved baby grandson. She enjoys walking and talking with friends and family, taking pictures in nature, and spending time with her grandson.
2. What is an interesting little known fact about you?
My Tetris skills help me with closet and drawer organization. :)
3. Please share with me some of the “hard times” you have experienced and would like to share on the podcast.
* I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. My actual diagnosis is Bipolar 2 Disorder, which is heavy on depression interspersed with periods of elevated mood called hypomania. Along with that, I have struggled with social anxiety, which made it very difficult to leave my house for several years. I also have overlapping challenges with generalized anxiety, perfectionism, and some obsessive compulsive tendencies.
* I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. My right side has different levels of loss of feeling and discomfort from my ribs to my toes. My “uniform” has become heavy skinny jeans and very supportive sneakers. When I wear that combination, I have less discomfort and can walk without limping.
* My husband and adult children no longer believe in the same way I do and no longer participate with me in organized religion. However, they continue to be some of the best people I know. This unexpected circumstance has caused some ongoing dissonance and loneliness in my life since August 2012.
* Our children both had some medical conditions, which ended up triggering long-term emotional distress for me. Our son was in the NICU for the first 10 days of his life. Our daughter suffered from epilepsy during her growing up years, which required me to stay in the hospital with her for almost two weeks on two different occasions.
4. What were the top 3-5 lessons you learned during your "hard times?” (You can list more than 5 if you want).
* Comparing my life, accomplishments, or progress with others often causes discouragement and self-doubt.
* We each have different strengths and weaknesses that give us the ability to influence, contribute, serve, love, empathize, and connect with people in unique and important ways.
* Perfectionism isn’t the same thing as perfection. It causes unnecessary suffering in the form of stress, shame, and guilt while trying to achieve the impossible.
* Walking in the fresh air and sunshine can help almost any problem seem a little more manageable. The act of moving your body and choosing to put one foot in front of the other is an effective way to change the direction of your thoughts—and eventually your life.
* Focusing on “small or something,” instead of “all or nothing” is helpful when feeling immobilized by anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Breaking large problems into smaller ones or choosing to just “do the next right thing” is a powerful way to cope with feeling overwhelmed.
* Mental illness is not a character flaw and when we talk about it more with others, we can lessen the stigma surrounding it, along with understanding that it affects many more people than we realize.
5. How have you changed or what have you done differently because of your challenges?
* I gradually learned to face my fear of leaving the house by walking to nearby destinations each day—to shop for a few items or run small errands.
* After that, I continued learning to overcome my social anxiety by going out of my way to visit over 500 women. In the process, I was able to help several who also suffered with depression and anxiety. I also found some dear friends who have been an uplifting and supportive influence in my life.
* Those activities built enough confidence in myself to return to college and earn an associate degree at Utah Valley University when my daughter started attending there after high school graduation. I was never able to take more than 6-9 credits each semester, but I rarely missed class and learned to turn in homework assignments early (unlike the first time as a young adult when I was often immobilized by anxiety and depression).
* It also gave me the courage to move to a new home that we built to better fit my needs for MS. We lived in a four-level-split for over 18 years, but it became too difficult for me to climb stairs several time each day. So we built a home across town with main-level living and room to accommodate possible future wheelchair needs. Because of that, we have a place for our daughter and grandson to live in our basement.
* I am still trying to learn how to self-comfort, instead of self-criticize. Showing compassion for others in their difficult circumstances is much easier for me than extending that same compassion to myself.
6. Do you have a favorite Bible verse that you would like to share that became meaningful to you during your difficulty?
* Philippians 4:13 ~ “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
(That verse has helped me develop self-confidence and the strength to overcome anxiety and discouragement.)
* Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
(Those verses have helped me better cope with difficult circumstances that have been confusing and overwhelming in life.)
7. Are there websites, books, music or other resources you would recommend to someone in a similar circumstance?
The music and especially lyrics of Hilary Weeks (an inspirational, Christian singer) has become a type of soundtrack to my journey. In addition to her many CDs, she now has an inexpensive subscription program called “Live All In” where she releases a new song with additional material each month. More than anything else, her music helps interrupt the downward spiral of my thoughts and begins to replace them with more uplifting thoughts.
8. Do you want to be able to have people contact you after the show? (Ex: on a website or on Facebook if they really connect with you and your story). If yes, please share your contact information.
If people wanted to contact me, my writing blog is “Wend Your Way.” I’m not currently posting on it, but it includes many of Hilary Weeks’ lyrics, along with experiences and lessons I’ve learned during my journey. People could leave a comment with their contact information there.
***
After listening to 2.5 episodes of her podcast last night and this morning, I decided to post several updates—so there will be more than just half-finished book chapters on this blog. It has been very soothing to the anticipatory anxiety I was starting to feel about the upcoming interview, which will be on Wednesday morning.
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| This is the "head shot" I sent (my husband took it down by the Ashton's house on one of our walks a few months ago) |
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| This is the picture I wish I could have sent. It was taken of me and our grandson at the beginning of August. |
Summary and Miracles (fourth and final thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Final update to my life coach on the evening before our 22nd coaching session:
* I feel like all the emails I've sent her since Saturday morning have been part of my extremely long thought download.
* I've tried to feel my feelings of sadness, confusion, frustration, regret, and disappointment by letting the tears come, rather than keeping them inside.
* I've tried to understand why I felt the way I did and comfort myself, rather than continue to punish myself for all the errors in judgment I made along the way.
* As I started to see it all in context, it was easier to understand why I made those errors and how I could show compassion to myself, since I wasn't actually trying to do anything wrong.
* I have renewed my faith in the Savior's atonement by turning more fully toward Him.
* I've tried to make some course corrections and I've realized that maybe nothing actually went permanently wrong--I can learn from my mistakes and eventually become stronger because of them.
***
A miracle happened today. My good friend (Divine Intersection #4) and her husband were invited to the temple for her nephew's pre-mission endowment. She handed out the endowment cards that I gave her at the end of February to the other family members who were attending the session--and ALL EIGHT were completed today! I was so grateful for that unexpected and miraculous gift God orchestrated to uplift me this afternoon just when I needed to know it was going to be okay.
I wanted to share all of this with my coach, so that I didn't spend all of tomorrow's session just filling her in.
* My coach's reply: I love how God works through so many
people . . . the eight people who just had their work done, the unexpected gift
to remind you that everything is okay, the nephew who got to go to the
temple still even in the midst of the pandemic, etc. I'm sure there were
even more that we aren't even aware of.
I think the real miracle for me to see is that you realized that maybe
nothing actually permanently went wrong.
* My reply: I agree about the miracles. Heavenly Father is a genius at doing His work and allowing us to help where we can along the way.
***
My sister drove into town on Wednesday night and I was so grateful for the opportunity to walk with her yesterday morning (with our grandson in the stroller) before my coaching session.
She shared some amazing miracles in her life:
* a neighbor who lives across the street who "just happens" to be a member of the church and is willing to help with car, sprinkler, and computer issues
* the only other family in their ward who has a dad/husband who is deployed "just happens" to have kids the same age as hers
* packages of food they sent miraculously reaching her deployed husband just when he was almost out of food . . .
Then I read these thought downloads to her at the end of our walk. When she was saying goodbye, she said that she thinks the reason I had such a mental block/emotional breakdown over the book is that my journey is continuing and there is still more that needs to be included in the book. I had never considered that I may be having a type of "stupor of thought." That gave me hope and helped me feel less upset about all the struggles of the past few weeks.
Piecing events together (third thought download to my life coach on October 7, 2020)
- Here is what I'm piecing together as I look back on the past six months (edited for this blog):
Back toward the beginning of our coaching, I expressed disappointment in my prayers and how I felt like I had to gear up for prayer, like it was an event. I basically stopped praying on my knees in the bathroom before going to bed and just kept praying in my mind. But then my mind started not functioning as well. I was looking more and more to coaching sources for answers because I was trying so hard to make progress with our coaching experience. That meant I spent less time on truth from God's sources—although I think coaching and the gospel can complement each other in a beautiful way.
During that time, I also felt strongly prompted to start writing my book—and made more progress than I have ever made before. I really do believe that I was receiving magnifying and enabling help from heaven. So I spent a little over two months focusing on that project almost exclusively. I stopped watching the "Don't Miss This" videos, which was how I was studying for Come Follow Me, and didn't spend much time in the scriptures—other than searching them and Ensign articles for verses and quotes that inspired the journey I was writing about in my book. I think that's why I was so confused and eventually defeated when my husband kept telling me I couldn't quote them nearly as much as I was.
Meanwhile, there were no ongoing temple ordinances or refuge from the storm that I found within the temple walls—which used to occur several times each week. There was no more family history (which was effectively turning my office into a temple), institute classes (twice a week for the previous year), church family, or friends strengthening me (except for a handful of walks with my friends—when it used to be 2-3 times weekly). There was just an occasional walk or talk with my ministering sister (who is on her own confusing journey after two years of crisis and turmoil surrounding a difficult situation.) It was just me in a house full of people who don't believe in ways that are supportive to my faith. No ministering brothers (except for one or two texts), no family members I could trust with my emotional or spiritual health (except for my sister and it's hard to figure out a time to talk on the phone), no priesthood blessings, no outside guidance—other than coaching, coaching podcasts, and Instagram.
The bishop gave my husband authorization to administer the sacrament to me, but he doesn't believe, so he couldn't ever say anything spiritually uplifting. So my church was just listening to "In Humility, Our Savior" by Hilary Weeks while I got myself and our bedroom ready to be a place of sacramental worship. Sometimes, prior to that, I listened to "Broken" by Kenneth Cope (along with a few other EFY songs) while I was taking a shower before getting ready. Therefore, my last lifelines to spirituality were the music and lyrics of Kenneth Cope and Hilary Weeks—I wasn't listening much to her other music because I needed to focus while writing my book. Then I had that complication with Hilary giving permission to use the lyrics in my book after all. And my communication with Kenneth was also very unsettling, although he tried to be supportive. They don't actually know me in real life, though, so that isn't their fault. I think that communication with them ended up being the last crushing blows to the small shred of spirituality and self-confidence I had left. I used to listen to hymns by Vocal Point in my car, but I have driven my car only a handful of times in the past seven months.
The overarching theme has been that my husband has felt more stress and pressure than he's experienced in 15 years because of the complications to his two jobs by COVID-19, while also trying to earn his master's degree online. He needed more than I could give in support and he had very little energy to give me much support in my challenges. Meanwhile, therapy and coaching were becoming more and more heavy and draining—and, suddenly, all the self-introspection brought self-hate and self-doubt rushing to the surface. Then I started watching our grandson part-time, which left me sleep deprived and emotionally unstable.
I read these verses in 3 Nephi 18:18-20 last night and again this morning: "Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Therefore, ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."
One of the reasons I have avoided those verses in the past is the one that follows them in verse 21: "Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed." There hasn't been family prayer in our home for several years. So, I guess the final verse was causing me to feel doubt about the previous two verses.
And I'm learning more and more that Satan is mean. He can't cause mental illness, but he will definitely exploit any weak spots a person has. I think I was kind of being "sifted like wheat" in every direction.
I never sent my coach the first 16 chapters of my book. Those are the ones that discuss the spiritual and emotional side of my journey. I discussed the compensatory blessings I've received, even though my prayers haven't been answered about my family's unbelief in the way I have hoped. But most of those spiritual compensatory blessings gradually disappeared as the pandemic went on and my isolation became more destructive. My coach only read the social side of my journey, which is the section I was editing during the last part of these challenges. That part wasn't giving me the spiritual upliftment I needed along the way, and it also emphasized how those things were no longer a part of my life—which is why I started feeling like a hypocrite.
That is why I was feeling so parched and empty coming into this General Conference. The first session was all tears. The second session started my recovery. The third session began giving me the answer to switch my focus from coaching sources to gospel sources. The Sunday morning session gave me my definitive answer to shift my focus fully back on Jesus.
By the time the final session ended, I was drained emotionally because conference weekends are the most difficult weekends of the year at our house. I am in my office with the door closed for ten hours—which pushes everyone's buttons. And, it's "insult to injury" for them that it's ten hours listening to people they don't respect, preaching things they don't believe in (and they feel that preaching drives a wedge between me and them).
Does it make sense? I take full responsibility for my errors in judgment along the way. But I also feel like my physical/emotional illnesses played a part in that—although I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. And I understand that circumstances are neutral, but I think this particular combination of circumstances was a difficult set for me to manage with the challenges I was dealing with behind the scenes.
So, that is why I'm confused about the coaching experience at this point—especially since I spent $2K on it over the past six months. I think I was supposed to quit listening to other coaches (since they are just dispensing general coaching), but not quit working with you (since it's more personal). I also think that you're probably the only coach in the world who has the empathy and spiritual strengths that I need to help me recover from this unfortunate situation I've ended up in. I feel like I've made the proper course corrections, but I also feel unsettled about my level of self-confidence as I continue my progress on this correct path.
I'm also anxious about focusing too much on my thoughts and feelings because it seems like that is part of the reason I gradually ended up in this situation. That is my understanding at this point, but I'm not trying to discharge blame. So I'm hoping that the combination of Jesus, my coach, and me can help me back onto solid, steady ground over the next month.
More waves of emotion (second thought download to my life coach on October 6, 2020)
- Post-General Conference update to my coach on Tuesday afternoon (adapted for this blog):
As I mentioned before, I stopped following Jody Moore (and also my friend who has recently become a life coach) on Instagram and unsubscribed from their podcasts on Saturday evening during the General Women's Meeting. I was so sad about it. But now I understand why.
After praying this morning (which I have rarely done consistently), I stopped following Hilary Weeks, Emily Freeman, David Butler, and "Don't Miss This" study on Instagram. Instead, I started following four accounts that focus more regularly on Come Follow Me, General Conference, and beautiful art in connection with them. I realized that they (and Kenneth Cope and Brad Wilcox) are all extroverts and are very popular. Plus, I realized that when I follow them and interact with them, I feel like I am inferior and not contributing to the world in a positive way.
I cried on Sunday evening after my husband did the sacrament for me (because I thought it would help me feel less empty after Conference), but it just made me feel more sad that I couldn't talk about it with anyone in my family. I accidentally mentioned that there would be a temple built in Lindon too, which was definitely the wrong thing to say to our son.
I cried so much yesterday morning also. It ended up being the day off of our grandson's dad, so he watched our grandson—and I didn't have anything constructive to wake up to. I just can't figure out what to focus on. So I sit and spin my wheels—while trying to pray for direction. I texted my friend (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #1) that I was too depressed to come and wouldn't be good company. She didn't want to pressure me, but felt like I should still come if I could. So we switched the time to noon, instead of two, and I forced myself to drive over there.
We walked for awhile and then sat under some trees and talked before walking back to her house.
She also agreed that I had a "perfect storm" of circumstances that was very difficult—especially since no friends were around to support me during the past month (except for my ministering sister a couple of times). She thought that maybe a reason I'm not getting answers or feeling inspired to do anything more is that I need to prioritize rest—since I've been so exhausted. She reminded me that my MS keeping me up at night, my depression, and also my early mornings with our grandson could all be taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I thought that laying in bed was depression and reverting to my old ways, but she thinks it has been wise self care. My husband actually agrees.
I forced myself to do the rowing machine for a few minutes in my husband's office after I returned home. I'm still trying to get the $340 refund from our marriage therapy, trying to decide whether to change treatments for MS (my neurologist wants me to try a ten-day pill solution, instead of an infusion), and trying to decide on a new individual therapist (two have responded and they seem much more user friendly than our previous office). I'm nervous about the side effects of changing medications and also don't want to start more therapy until I'm done with coaching and until my deductible is met (hopefully in early November). MS treatments cost $40K, so patients' assistance helps pay for them and meets our deductible—I feel like that's the only way I can contribute in a positive way to the family's finances.
My husband also clarified that he doesn't mind if I work on my book or family history or organizing my closet—as long as I don't focus solely on one activity to the exclusion of all others (he calls them mono-activities). That is so difficult for me (with the combination of a slow warm up to activities because of depression and then hyperfocus because of obsessive compulsive tendencies and hypomania) because I'm afraid it will disappear when the next wave of depression hits. That's what happened with my book.
Yesterday evening, I watched 1.5 videos from that organization program I bought because I couldn't focus on actually doing something. (She is the one I had the complimentary call with that inspired me to start writing my book.) She taught "the self-coaching model" in the first video. She explained that a way to process emotion is to try to describe what is happening to an alien, who has no idea what human emotion feels like. That was a different way of thinking about it, but I don't know if it will help. As you know, that's the part that I've never been able to figure out. I started crying again because it all felt so futile.
I decided to "give up" and go to bed early again. I continued to listen to "Grace Where You Are" by Emily Freeman, but that seemed to make my tears worse. I know that I have a really good life. I don't have struggles like the pioneers or people who have cancer or are blind, but sometimes my emotional instability is more than I feel that I can handle. My husband was very sweet and he just sat by me last night as I kept having waves of tears. (He reminded me that this has happened before and it will pass like it always does. It's almost impossible for me to remember that in the darkness of that moment, though.)
My husband also said that I make him feel good because I always believe he can do more than he can do and it encourages him to do more than he normally would be able to. I'm grateful that there is something I'm doing right in our relationship.
He wants me to practice focusing on my divine worth to Jesus, since that's what I believe. That works well when I'm feeling healthy, but I get very upset with myself during times like this when I'm floundering. He says that's exactly when I need to practice it, so I will keep trying.
Today, when I was watching our grandson, I cleared some of the excess clutter out of his play pen (sometimes we give him empty bottles and other "garbage" to play with because he loves them so much more than toys). In that moment, I realized that I need to continue clearing out anything that makes me feel like I don't measure up. I'm not cool and stylish like Jody Moore and Hilary Weeks.
I don't have the ability to make any money like my life coach or them. But I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to be productive or influential to be valuable; I just need to be the best me that I can each day. I need to love and give in ways that I am able to on that day—not any other day and not like other people do. As I uncover who I really am through more simplicity, I will be able to love myself more and more. I know that was the Spirit speaking because I'm not confident enough to just write that normally.
So I thought I should share it with my coach also.
I'm nervous about our final sessions. I want them to be productive and I want to follow my coach's counsel. I know I was led to her, but I just don't know why—since I haven't been able to figure out my thoughts and feelings very well.
My Answer (October 3–4, 2020)
- Update to my life coach after evening session of General Conference on October 3rd:
I feel much more grounded now that I've listened to six hours of conference talks and calming music. And have cried a bucket full of tears.
During the women's meeting, I made the hard decision to delete Jody Moore off Instagram and unsubscribed from her podcast. I literally sobbed when I pushed those buttons, but I felt the Lord whispering that I need to focus more on the simple and basic truths of the gospel to refill my tank. She was one of the reasons I found my coach, though, and I'm grateful for that. Perhaps, I will find a new therapist because of those promptings this morning as well.
- Update to my life coach before morning session of General Conference on October 4th:
The answer to my struggles has descended powerfully upon me overnight.
 |
| Picture from Jasper National Park in Alberta, Canada (I'm not sure who to give photo credit to.) |
I have spent so much time trying to figure out my brain and feelings (which are both damaged because of mortality) over the past six months that I have completely turned my life upside down. Jesus is my answer. If you're able to support me in that, I welcome your help. I also welcome your prayers.
I'm all in with this new model. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Are you interested in coaching me with this?
* My coach replied: Absolutely!!!
He is the answer to everything.
The downward spiral (first thought download to my life coach on October 3, 2020)
- I wrote this prior to General Conference on Saturday morning (adapted for this blog):
I walked with my good friend yesterday morning for the first time since the morning of August 28th. (I wrote about her in Divine Intersection #5.) She is the one that asked me more about coaching that morning (8/28) and that's when I started going back through my notes from previous sessions—which is when my first doubts about coaching started showing up.
Then I had those helpful moments of inspiration from Alma 31:35, Alma 24:16, and Doctrine and Covenants 20:77,79 on Sunday, August 30th.
That was followed by watching the digital fireside with Hilary Weeks on the evening of our 25th anniversary (August 31st) and she also sent me an email with similar encouragement on Sunday, September 13th (at the end of the volatile weekend where I quit coaching and put my book away).
During the previous week, Kenneth Cope gave me permission to use his song, "Broken," but then wanted to make sure I gave him a copy of my book (after he asked me to change the title). That is when most of the anxiety started about the book.
Hilary gave me mixed signals when I asked her again about including her lyrics—but after a couple of weeks of writing back and forth, she gave me permission to use full lyrics to 30+ songs (on the evening of Sunday, the 20th). That felt ironic, since I had actually decided to quit writing at that point.
In the meantime, our daughter had a week off from school, so I used that week to try to be brave and sent out part 3 to my coach and a few others who were mentioned in that section (Tuesday, September 15th). That caused me to feel even more anxiety because I have never put myself out there to that degree before—especially since it wasn't a final draft.
She was very kind to read it and give me feedback, even though I had quit coaching the week before. I went back through her emails and sent several replies to her during what would have been our coaching time on Thursday, the 17th. I felt lost and alone because I knew she wasn't technically my coach anymore and I felt very sad when she didn't write back (since I only paid her to be my friend). That's why I asked to resume coaching. I really missed her support.
I watched a very inspired virtual youth conference talk by a temple sealer in our ward on Saturday, September 19th—which reminded me of how important prayer is. I emailed to thank him, and his wife ended up being sustained as our Relief Society president the next morning. So I think that was Heavenly Father's way of preparing my heart to sustain her, since I had such a difficult experience with our previous Relief Society president (and needed to be released as her secretary in August 2017).
On Wednesday (September 30th), I texted all the friends I included in my "freak out" email on September 13th. The Relief Society president (in Divine Intersection #4), my friend (in Divine Intersection #6), and another friend (in Divine Intersection #1) texted back, which helped me know I hadn't really burned all my bridges after all (that's how I felt on Sunday, the 13th). I'm going over to visit my friend (in Divine Intersections #1) on Monday afternoon after I finish watching our grandson.
I took the Enneagram test on Tuesday and ended up walking with my friend (and ministering sister) the next day. She helped me gain some more insight because I trust her completely and always feel God's love through her.
My friend (in Divine Intersection #5) also renewed my confidence during our walk yesterday. She validated why the "perfect storm" of difficulty over the past month would have been tough for anyone. She reminded me of how strong I have become during the years we have walked together—and how I will never go back to being that person in 2010 (which I thought I was becoming, since I was retreating to my bedroom and buffering on Instagram more and more). She also explained that no one helps her feel more self-love than I do, so she knows I have the ability to learn to love myself that way also.
As I was praying for inspiration on Sunday (September 20th), I felt strongly prompted to start walking to my mom's house with our grandson as a destination (like I used to with stores back in 2010-2013)—since I have been scared to walk on my own. That ended up becoming her and my dad coming over to walk with us on Tuesday-Thursday (September 22nd-24th). Each day felt frustrating with some successes mixed in.
I realized when I watched our daughter try to soothe her screaming son during sleep training (on that Tuesday afternoon) that I have never learned to self-comfort. I only know how to self-criticize. So that is helpful—and we've already been working on that with coaching. But I still feel so stuck.
I listened to Jody Moore's podcast this morning where she talks about how coaching isn't helpful for people who need traditional therapy. That validated how I felt about coaching, but it was also very frustrating to be in marriage therapy with my husband for ten sessions in Fall 2017 and 40 sessions with our therapist more recently). So I looked up some therapists on Psychology Today this morning and sent five emails. Maybe I will resume individual therapy after my deductible is met sometime in November.
So, that is a stream of consciousness answer to your questions. I'm going to watch Conference now.
"More Purpose in Prayer"
- I sent this email to a temple sealer in our ward on September 19th:
I have meant to watch your talk for the virtual youth conference ever since the bishop sent out the link back on August 8th.
I have been more depressed than I've felt in years (since about August 28th). I continue to have powerful personal revelation and try to follow it—and it just kept getting harder and harder.
Well, today was the day. I have been watching your video off and on throughout the afternoon and evening. I made a sign for my "prayer closet" that says "Listen and Feel / Turn your prayers from casual to mighty."
My husband walked in and wondered what was wrong. I was on my knees and explained that I was trying to get centered again.
The scriptures you shared (I rarely ever read in Psalms and Jeremiah!) and especially that video you made at the end filled my soul with love and peace.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your testimony and gifts with us.
- This was his thoughtful reply:
- Powerful verses in Psalm 143 that were so meaningful to me during that dark time:
1 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.
3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness . . .
4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.
5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.
6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.
(I learned from Emily Freeman that, in Hebrew, this can mean pause--she uses that word more as a time to ponder, rather than just a break in the psalm).
7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me . . .
8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.
10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.
12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.
- Notes from his digital fireside that I typed next to those verses:
* Take time to listen and feel when you pray.
* Turn your prayers from casual to mighty.
* Invite Him to join you throughout the day for strength, direction, peace, and comfort.
* Take time to think back and be grateful.
* Be willing to ask Him what you need to ask, how you need to change, what you should do to live according to His will for you.
* Part of our journey is to rediscover the great love we already have in our heart for Heavenly Father and Mother and for Jesus.
* Our mistakes don't show lack of love for God--they are simply manifestations of our humanity.
* As we draw near to Them, we are given grace to change and improve.
* They are united in Their efforts to bless us. The Holy Ghost is a beacon that leads us to Them and shows us the way (the next right step).
* Make Heavenly Father and Jesus the primary focus of your life.
(That seed was planted exactly two weeks before I received the powerful follow-up prompting during General Conference!)
- Cross references:
Psalm 91:15 ~ He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him . . .
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
14 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity . . .
63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
64 Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you
Three tips from Hilary Weeks' digital fireside (and some extra encouragement)
Hilary Weeks participated in a digital fireside on Sunday, July 19th. I "just happened" to watch it on August 31st, the evening of my 25th anniversary.
God reached me in a powerful way that evening. I took these notes:
- Tip #1: Take inventory and present to the Lord what you have to offer, even if it seems small and insignificant.
9 There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?
10 And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.
11 And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.
12 When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.
13 Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.
14 Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.
* This note was typed in the margins from a previous study: Offer what you have and are to God and ask Him to make more of you, so that you can do more and offer more to others.
* Focus on Christ, rather than the problems that seem impossible to overcome. His yoke brings peace, settled feelings, and comfort. (Note from earlier that day during "Don't Miss This" video while studying Alma 31:32.)
- Tip #2: Create stillness. Fresh starts, refreshment, and renewal come from quiet moments with God.
1 Samuel 9:27 ~ . . . stand thou still a while that I may shew thee the word of God.
Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still and know that I am God . . .
- Tip #3: Stay the course.
She quoted from this BYU devotional address by Jeffrey R. Holland in her digital fireside (it is also found in the March 2000 Ensign).
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."* I have never had such hateful thoughts about myself as I have during these two months that I've been trying to write this book. (They came from the "being who is bent on the destructions of [my] happiness.")
- I texted Hilary the next day on September 1st:
- I sent this email to Hilary on Friday, September 11, 2020:
I apologize for being so familiar with you by texting.
I wrote to let you know I was removing you from my contacts about four years ago, but you immediately texted back that I should add you back in.
She replied on the evening of Sunday, September 13, 2020 (after I had my mini "nervous breakdown," quit coaching, and decided to quit writing the book):
My reply the next morning:
(They ended up giving me permission the following Sunday to use the full lyrics of 30+ songs, like I had originally planned—after I had completely given up.)
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