Part 2: Overcoming Obstacles

            In this section, I will describe some of the obstacles I’ve faced in my life and ways that I’ve learned to overcome them in varying degrees. I will give an overview of my journey here and then will discuss some more specific lessons I’ve learned in the following chapters.

             I have struggled with depression for over half my life. I started showing more serious signs of it in high school (around 1987). It became much worse when I served a proselyting mission in Pennsylvania and Maryland (1993-1994), but I was miraculously able to stay in the mission field for the entire 18 months. I literally prayed my way through those extremely difficult times and the Savior’s atonement carried me. I wasn’t aware at the time that my future husband was serving as a missionary in the same mission. We didn’t know each other before our missions, we only crossed paths briefly a couple of times in the mission field, but we flew home on the same airplane. Our parents lived a few blocks away from each other (and still do), so that made it easy for us to get to know each other and date after our missions.  

            Because of his encouragement, I sought medical attention for my emotional struggles and was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder, but my challenge is mostly with depression and social anxiety. I improved over the following months with a combination of therapy and mood stabilizing medication. We were married in the Bountiful Utah Temple a year after returning from the mission field (1995) and I decided to stop taking the medication so we could start our family. We were grateful to welcome our daughter 9 months and 6 days later (1996) and our son was born just under three years after her (1999). I tried to keep my life very simple during those years, but our son ended up in the newborn intensive care unit for the first ten days of his life and that was the opposite of simple.

            My emotional health declined quickly and we decided it was time to resume therapy and medication. However, the combination of medicine that worked so well before no longer worked. We spent the next decade trying different types, dosages, and combinations of medication without long-term success. When I was in the worst stage of my depression (from about 2008 to 2010), I spent most of my time in bed, not wanting to leave our bedroom and especially not wanting to leave the house. I couldn’t remember anything positive. I felt like everything I said or did or thought was wrong. In fact, I couldn’t even carry on much of a conversation. It felt like there was no way out. 

            I really wanted to attend church, the temple, and other church activities, but every time I even thought about going, I felt extremely anxious and cried almost uncontrollably. When I didn’t end up going, I felt really guilty and that guilt would make my depression worse. It was a very miserable and hopeless cycle. However, when I did actually make it to church, I almost always felt guilty from something that was said in a talk or lesson and then I often cried uncontrollably at church too. I then ended up spending most of my time hiding in the bathroom because I couldn’t compose myself enough to go back to the meeting. When I returned home after meetings, I second guessed every little thing I said or did –  or didn’t say or do. That made it even harder to go the next time. It was a very dark and lonely time for me. 

            At one extremely low point in fall 2010, I realized I wasn’t doing anything to help anyone in my life, including myself. If I had actually been suicidal, I would have tried to end my life. But, since I wasn’t, I decided I needed to learn to live. I was inspired to start walking to destinations all over town as an excuse to leave the house without having to interact with too many people. I bought small amounts of groceries, picked up prescriptions, picked up and dropped off books at the library, mailed letters and bill payments at a mail box in the business park near our home, returned hangers to the dry cleaners, and donated small items to Savers. As I walked in the sunshine and fresh air, the endorphins started working again, and I gradually found purpose in living.

            I had two very large obstacles to face in the next two years. In August 2012, my husband of seventeen years unexpectedly talked to me about a drastic change in his spiritual beliefs, which we previously had in common. I didn’t understand how that could be, since he had worked so hard on his mission and served faithfully in many callings. However, I tried to support him in his decision, even though it took years to gradually begin to understand his perspective. Then, in January 2013, I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, after experiencing symptoms off and on since 2001. I gave myself daily injections at home for 3 ½ years, received monthly infusions at the oncology lab for the next two years, and am now continuing to receive infusions twice each year. I have limited feeling in my lower right side, but can still function well overall. Since then, both of our children have chosen to not share my spiritual beliefs either.

            Several times, I’ve had the choice of giving up and going back to bed or continuing to face my challenges. I have allowed myself time to mourn in each case, since the future has increasingly become less certain. However, I have made the deliberate decision again and again to continue believing, progressing, and trying my best.

Chapter 7: Opposition in All Things

* I need to get ready for an appointment and this is all I have written so far for this chapter. I'm posting it anyway to keep my momentum going. (I returned to add more content on July 19, 2020.)

            Opposition will absolutely happen in this life. It is one thing we can definitely count on. We can fight against that reality or we can relax into it. We can choose to not be surprised by opposition and try to learn from it. Orson F. Whitney explained, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98). I’m grateful for the comfort that quote has given me over the years.

            There is an often-quoted verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Christ about opposition. “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad…” (2 Nephi 2:11). So life as a human is a 50/50 experience. Roughly half will be good and the other half will be uncomfortable in some way. When the opposition comes, we can remind ourselves that it’s part of life and nothing has actually gone permanently wrong. We layer additional suffering when we spend our time wondering why this had to happen or how unfair it is that it happened to us. One of the ways this opposition occurs is in our family relationships. Parents and children often provide built-in opposition for each other. Our homes and families are like laboratories for learning and sometimes there are explosions in laboratories. When the “explosions” happen, it alerts us that an adjustment is needed. We can learn to notice our thoughts and feelings in those moments. We can choose to focus on the ones that serve us best in creating an improved situation. Since the purpose is learning, it is okay to try again (and again) to improve. This opposition can act as a catalyst to turn our hearts to the Savior.

            James E. Faust gives us some additional perspective. “A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures.... Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance.... The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted. The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining.” (“Refined in OurTrials,” Ensign, Feb. 2006, pp. 2-7).

            We often emerge from a difficult experience with greater empathy. This helps us understand and have more capacity to help when other people experience their own trials. Opposition also provides contrast and may help us enjoy the times of peace and respite in between each trial more than we would otherwise. We can prepare for future trials by filling our souls drop by drop with Living Water and peace, so that we won’t be found parched and empty when the next trial hits us. And it will.

It's Not Wrong to Be Wrong

I just listened to a "Better Than Happy" podcast by Jody Moore titled "Strong Convictions Loosely Held." I have only listened to about 30 episodes over the past 2.5 years, but I have benefited so much from them - along with many of her free webinars. I take copious notes each time. I wanted to save the notes I took today in a place where I could easily access them. The ideas in brackets are my own thoughts.

• Doing something wrong might make us feel guilty. That can easily slide into shame, which is thinking you're wrong about doing something wrong. The truth is, we're going to do it wrong about half of the time as humans and that's okay because it's one of the best ways to learn how to do things better. 
• What if you're still just as worthy and lovable as if you had done it right? Justifying means you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't wrong. Using it as information to move forward and still love yourself just as much is a better overall approach. 
• The founding fathers of our nation were inspired by God, but they still had some beliefs about several groups of humans (who were not straight white men) that were wrong. We don't need to judge them for being wrong, though. They were doing the best they could with what they knew. [Life is much more nuanced] than our [black and white, all or nothing thinking] brains want to believe. 
• What if it's not wrong to be wrong? We all have blind spots and don't know some truths yet. And that's okay. We will continue to learn more if we stay open to different thoughts and we don't quit trying. 
• Putting someone up on a pedestal is problematic because pedestals tend to fall over very easily. 
• When you make peace with yourself and others about doing it wrong roughly half of the time, then you're free to love people unconditionally! You can just drop the judgement and move on. 
• When you come out of the judgement fog, you can realize that it's not wrong to be wrong. It's just human. We are all just good humans trying to figure life out. 
• If you beat yourself up because you think that will teach you or compensate for being wrong, you're just wrong about doing that. 
• Instead, be okay with being wrong. It doesn't serve you or anyone else that was hurt by what you did. It just lets you decide what you will do next. 
• Be willing to always consider that you could be wrong. Ask people to tell you more about why they think about something differently than you. Be open to learning and progressing from that space of humility. 
• When someone criticizes you and you feel the resistance rising up, you can just look at your brain and notice how fascinating it is that you're making it mean that you're wrong (or that there is something wrong with you for being wrong). 
• The best way to decide is to become more still and look closely at who I want to be and what my priorities are. Then decide whether or not something needs to change next time from a space of internal, inspired motivation. 
• We can thank people for their opinion and we can stay open to consider that we may be wrong. As humans, we naturally place people in a narrative and that's okay. 
• I choose to believe in [priesthood authority, keys, and ordinances which are found in] my religion. No one can show me anything that will change that. I could be wrong, but I choose to believe that it's right. It serves me well to believe it. [It's the same with whether my marriage will last for eternity or other important things in my life.] 
• Loosen up your grip on being wrong a little and watch how peaceful your life becomes.

Chapter 4: Be Present

The wise, old turtle in the animated movie, Kung Fu Panda, explains the essence of this chapter. “You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present” (Dreamworks, 2008). I have learned that it isn’t useful to dwell on the past with regret because there is nothing we can do to change it anyway. The past still exists only in our minds. So, if we find ourselves continuing to revisit the past, we can learn to re-frame our thoughts in a more useful way that serves us better in the present. It can also be detrimental to look too far into the future, since that has the potential to increase anxiety.

D. Todd Christofferson gives good counsel on this subject. Since we all need to eat each day, he uses the phrase “daily bread" to make his point. “Asking God for our daily bread, rather than our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread, is also a way to focus us on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day (or even just part of one day) at a time…. The Spirit can guide us when to look ahead and when we should just deal with this one day, with this one moment.” He continues, “…asking for and receiving daily bread at God's hand plays a vital part in learning to trust God and in enduring life's challenges. We also need a daily portion of divine bread to become [better]” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).

In the last chapter, I discussed gradual personal improvement. Elder Christofferson describes it as “a step-by-step process. Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions most often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow, and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until victory is achieved. But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day” (“Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread,” CES Fireside, BYU, 9 January 2011).

My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Be Where You Are.” (It is included in her Live All In program for 2019.) The lyrics are very helpful to me and I share them with her permission:

When the world seems to rest on your shoulders

And worry is all you see

You start borrowing pain from the future

That may never come to be

And you wish you could be somewhere else in time

But there’s so much beauty right before your eyes

Chorus:

So be where you are while you’re here

Live every breathtaking, ordinary moment

Embrace here and now and let everything else disappear

Be where you are while you’re here

Tomorrow has endless potential

Yesterday’s memories are sweet

But today is the gift you’ve been given

There are no other guarantees

So live every moment the best that you can

Give the ones that you love all the love you have

Don’t chase peace away when things are okay

Don’t miss the lessons when things get tough

Time’s gonna change things, ready or not

So just for a moment, let this moment be enough

            If you find yourself spending time worrying about all the things that could go wrong in the future, you will miss out on the simple beauty of each moment. That is why mindfulness is such a powerful principle. It grounds us in the present moment, so we can experience it more fully. I recently listened to an audio book titled The Founder of Our Peace: Christ-Centered Patterns for Easing Worry, Stress, and Fear.  Even that title alone is reassuring. In chapter two, the author explains a productive way to deal with worry in three basic steps. “First, identify the specific thing you’re worried about. Second, turn what you’re worried about into a statement of what you would like to have happen. Third, do something to act on what you would like to have happen. Or, if nothing can be done, trust that God will address it and forget about it by laying it at the feet of the Savior” (John Hilton III, 2020). I don't know if it's possible to completely forget an ongoing worry, but I do believe it can be put into a more realistic or hopeful perspective than we sometimes experience it.

            The main reason I appreciate the “daily bread” reference is that it reminds me to focus my attention on the Savior. “...And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Dale G. Renlund counsels us to “remember, joyfully and reverently, that the Savior loves to restore what you cannot restore; He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal; He loves to fix what has been irreparably broken; He compensates for any unfairness inflicted on you; and He loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts” ("Consider the Goodness and Greatness of God," Ensign, May 2020). That is why we can trust Him with our worry (and our regret). Often, those thoughts will bubble up again and that just reminds me to turn them back over to the Savior. Again and again, if necessary. 

                Hilary Weeks co-wrote another song with Cherie Call titled “All In.” (It is also included in her Live All In program for 2019.) Part of those lyrics apply here and I share them with her permission.

…I give thanks for all You do

You’ve got my life right in Your hands

And I feel safe ‘cause you understand completely
Chorus

I’m all in, all in

Nothing’s gonna take me away from where you are

I’m all in, all in

Nothing’s gonna change my heart

I’m all in

…Why would I leave, where would I go

You give me peace I’ve always known completely

Half a heart won’t do

I’m giving everything to You…

            Thomas S. Monson explained, “This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it…. There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today, and to live most fully today, we must do that which is of greatest importance. Let us not procrastinate those things which matter most.” He then shared this perspective from a woman who stopped “putting off the things most important to her…. ‘Now I spend more time with my family…. I try not to delay or postpone anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.’” He continued, “Let us … find joy in the journey. The old adage ‘Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today’ is doubly important when it comes to expressing our love and affection – in word and in deed – to family members and friends…. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.” He concludes with this wise summary, “Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present” (“In Search of Treasure,” Ensign, May 2003). Another often-quoted phrase by Bill Keane is also similar to the one at the beginning of the chapter. “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” Choose to live in the present and to be present in each moment.  

* I added some content to the end on July 19, 2020.

Daily Bread

I'm grateful for the message of these three short videos and have watched them several times since September 2013. I have also included the descriptions from YouTube. They are based on a talk given by D. Todd Christofferson in January 2011 titled Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread. I'm including a few quotes from this talk in chapter 4 of my book, so I thought I would post this before it. 

Just as we need daily physical sustenance, the need for daily spiritual sustenance is just as strong. For the Children of Israel, manna was a daily reminder of the source of their blessings; today, we can remember Jesus Christ every day as we pray, read the scriptures, and meditate. (Part 1 of 3)

Sometimes in life, there is nowhere else to turn but to God. Elder D. Todd Christofferson shares a personal experience that taught him to truly pray, recognize answers to prayers, and take life one day at a time. (Part 2 of 3)

Jesus Christ is the bread of eternal life. By following Him, remembering Him, and having faith in Him we can change and become what we aspire to become. (Part 3 of 3)

Chapter 2: A Formula for Balance

* I spent several hours this afternoon working on the content of this chapter. I'm posting what I've written so far - which basically ended up being several rearranged quotes.

An excellent formula for living a balanced life is found in the New Testament. Luke 2:52 succinctly explains, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Even in His youth, Jesus was an example of a balanced person. For many years, I have appreciated how this verse clearly describes the four main areas of our lives. “Wisdom” represents the mental or emotional aspects of our lives. “Stature” represents the physical aspect of our lives. “In favor with God” represents the spiritual aspect of our lives. “In favor with man” represents the social aspect of our lives. Recently, this verse has become the theme for the children and youth program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This program uses the phrase “areas of growth” to encourage regular goal setting and balanced personal growth.

In 2015, I gave a lesson to the women in our church congregation using parts of a talk by Jörg Klebingat. He discusses several ways to create more balance in our lives with the focus on increasing spiritual confidence. First, the growth and development of “wisdom.” He counsels, “Accept trials, setbacks, and ‘surprises’ as part of your mortal experience. Remember that you are here to be proved and tested, ‘to see if [you] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [your] God shall command [you]’ (Abraham 3:25)…. Some trials come through your own disobedience or negligence. Other trials come because of the negligence of others or simply because this is a fallen world. When these trials come, the adversary’s minions begin broadcasting that you did something wrong, that this is a punishment, a sign that Heavenly Father does not love you. Ignore that! Instead… partner with Him to endure well to the end. Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that ‘often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right’” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Second, the growth and development of “stature.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own physical well-being. Your soul consists of your body and spirit (see D&C 88:15). Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to … lowered self-esteem.” He continues, “If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body… please use good judgment in what and especially how much you eat, and regularly give your body the exercise it needs and deserves” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

As a person who struggles with eating a healthy diet, I have learned to “make the better of the bad choices,” as a first step toward making good choices in what I eat. For example, instead of eating actual chocolate, I often eat chocolate covered protein bars or drink a chocolate protein shake. Instead of eating ice cream, I may eat frozen yogurt topped with fruit or a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats with 1% milk. I've also learned to make a good choice when I'm still struggling to make an optimal choice. For example, I don't like the taste of water, so I choose to drink Strawberry Kiwi Propel instead. That is probably a better choice than carbonated, caffeinated soda (although I'm still missing the pure benefits of water). I feel that it's better to head in the general direction of eating well, than to just give up on healthy eating entirely. I struggle with exercising too, so I choose to just “move my body more.” For me, one of the best ways to do that is to walk as often as I can in the sunshine and fresh air. Elder Klebingat concludes, “Spiritual confidence increases when your spirit, with the help of the Savior, is truly in charge of your natural man or woman” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Third, growing and developing “in favor with God.” Elder Klebingat counsels, “Take responsibility for your own spiritual well-being…. Voluntarily and joyfully repent of sins, both small and great, in real time by applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ…. Acknowledge that you cannot love God without also loving His commandments…. Truly [strive] for the right reasons, to live a consecrated life in spite of your imperfections!” Fourth, growing and developing in “favor with man.” He counsels, “Don’t hold grudges, don’t be easily offended, forgive and forget quickly.... Spiritual confidence increases when you know that the Lord knows that you bear no ill feelings toward another soul” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Realistic Progress

* Below are some low-tech drawings for a presentation I was asked to give a few years ago. I may include this in my book also. (I added them to Chapter 11 on July 21, 2020.)

I believe “our best” is different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction. I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

***

Here is another way to look at progress that I learned during one of my therapy sessions last year. Even though you feel like you aren’t progressing, you still are and things will feel better soon. 

My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when you’re in the downward part of the loop, just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

Chapter 19: Do What You Can Do

* I didn't have as much time to write today, but I thought I would still post what I've written so far for this chapter. (I added more content on July 23, 2020.)

I once listened to a BYU women’s conference talk by Dr. John Lund titled, “The Myth We Call Perfection.” Part of his counsel is to love much and do what YOU can do. He emphasized this point from the story of Mary anointing Jesus prior to his burial. (This was Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus.) In this situation, Jesus said she loved much (Luke 7:36-50) and did what she could (Mark 14:3-9). He also defended the good she was doing to some of the disciples who were upset by what they thought was wasted money on the expensive ointment.  (See also John 12:1-9 and Matthew 26:6-13.)

During my experience of visiting approximately 500 women, I learned that it’s not necessary to have a casserole, a loaf of homemade bread, yummy baked goods, or flowers in hand to visit someone. I just needed to reach out in the spirit of love and do what I personally could do! Some women may feel very comfortable serving with those gifts in their hands and that’s great. It's equally great if you serve in your own, unique way also. I have been really thankful for the hymn, “Have I Done Any Good?” It begins: “Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad, and made someone feel glad?” Then the counsel to, “Go and do something today.” Notice that it doesn’t say we need to do everything for everybody. Just something for somebody!

Henry B. Eyring makes an additional point. He said, “When I was a young man, I served as counselor to a wise district president in the Church. He tried to teach me. One of the things I remember wondering about was this advice he gave: ‘When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.’ I thought then that he was pessimistic. Now, more than 40 years later, I can see how well he understood the world and life” (“In the Strength of the Lord,” Ensign, April 2004). During my visits, I learned how true that advice was. Without exception, every single one of us are dealing with difficult and sometimes complex struggles. Showing a little extra love and kindness really matters! Ian Maclerin gives similar counsel, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And my good friend’s mantra is “You’ll never regret being kind.” So, do what you can do, rather than what you think everyone else is doing.

In Luke 10:38-42, we read about a different situation with that same Mary and her sister, Martha. “Now it came to pass, as they went, that (Jesus) entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Unfortunately, Martha is sometimes criticized for her part in this story, but I believe that both of these women are good, good people and are doing what they personally can do in that situation. They each offer a different type of service to the Savior. I also believe each of us have characteristics of both of these good women. We all need to attend to the details of daily living to care for the needs of our families. However, I need to remind myself often to not be so anxious and preoccupied about them that it affects the amount of time I spend on the more essential spiritual things.

 Hilary Weeks, my favorite inspirational singer, wrote a song titled “Give Ye to Me” (on her I Will Not Forget CD in 2001). The lyrics tell of another story from the Bible and I share them with her permission.

The disciples watched the crowd

As they heard the Savior’s words

And afternoon sun began to fade

And seeing their need the Lord said give them to eat

Then we’ll rest for a time on the shore

But Lord there aren’t enough fishes or bread

So how will the people be fed

And he said…

Chorus

Give ye to me all that you have to offer

And I will bless it and I will make it more

And you will have all that you need

Though it seems there’s not enough

I’ll make the difference up

Give ye to me

There are times in my life

When I feel overwhelmed

And the days just slip through my hands

And even though I try I fall further behind

And I wonder why I started at all

But somehow louder than the doubt and fear

There is hope in the words that I hear…

Repeat chorus

And after all I can do

There will still be a debt to be paid

But through his mercy and grace

He’ll say…

Give ye to me all that you have to offer

And I will bless you and I will make you whole

And you will be all that you need

Though it seems there’s not enough

I’ll make the difference up

Give ye to me

 The truth is, there are times in all of our lives when we’re just not enough on our own. We have a need, a lack, or an inadequacy. However, when we give what we have to Jesus, then He can make it into so much more. Miracles are always possible with Him. With His help, we can all do what we can do and then He will magnify our efforts.

Chapter 3: Gradually Replace Negative with Positive

* I spent most of the day writing chapter 14 and finally posted it. I thought I would post what I've written so far for this chapter as well. (I added to it on July 14th.)

Do you have a favorite personal improvement scripture? I have several. However, the one at the top of my list has special meaning to me. The Lord showed me the key to my future progress sometime before April 2009, which was long before I was able to actually apply it very well. He helped me notice these verses in Jacob 5 as I was listening to The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ on CD. A lot of people probably don’t notice these two verses (and I hadn’t before this either) because this chapter is an allegory about the House of Israel. It’s a very long and repetitive allegory with lots of pruning and digging and grafting and dunging… It was definitely an act of divine intervention for me to notice specific verses this far into such a repetitive chapter – especially since I was only listening and not following along in the text.

Jacob 5:65-66 says, “And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.

For it grieveth me that I should lose the trees of my vineyard; wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad...”

As I discussed in the previous chapter, this is all about balance – which is something I’m constantly striving for. It’s impossible to change everything about yourself or your circumstances (or fill-in-the-blank) all at once. Lasting change usually occurs by working on one thing at a time – replacing one bad thing with something good. Replacing negative thoughts or addictions with something more positive, productive, or healthy. And then the next and then the next. Line upon line, baby steps, or however else you want to look at it. It's a true principle and it works.

Replacing negative with positive is at the core of repentance. In 2015, I gave a lesson to the women in our church congregation using parts of a talk by Jörg Klebingat. He gave some valuable counsel on this topic: “ …Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don’t be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life. No matter what your current status, the very moment you voluntarily choose honest, joyful, daily repentance by striving to simply do and be your very best, the Savior’s Atonement envelops and follows you, as it were, wherever you go” (“Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence,” Ensign, Nov. 2014).

Another favorite personal improvement scripture is also found in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. It says, “And if men come unto me I will show until them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27). Dieter F. Uchtdof explains, “Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths. Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture within each of us. (“Lord, Is It I?” Ensign, November 2014).

Just as the vineyard was pruned by the Master Gardener in the allegory, our lives can be shaped and molded by a loving Savior. As we turn to Him and ask for help and strength in our efforts to replace negative with positive in our lives, we will receive help beyond our own. As Ezra Taft Benson explained, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 1988.) As we repeat the process of gradually replacing the negative with positive in our life, the Savior’s grace can change us and help us become more than we could ever be on our own.

Chapter 14: Learning to Honor Agency

One definition of agency is the capacity, condition, or state of acting. Another simple definition is the freedom to choose. Over the years, I’ve heard many people say they hate agency. I understand very well that it is sometimes heart-wrenching to watch people we love use their agency in ways we wish they wouldn’t. However, before we agreed to come to earth, we fought a war in heaven that was centered around the importance of having agency. (See Revelation 12:7-11 and Moses 4:1-4). In fact, agency and Christ’s atonement are inseparably connected. We can’t have one without the other.

I have made both good choices and a lot of mistakes as I’ve used my own agency. I’ve learned many life lessons along the way, but I will just share a few of them. I’ve learned that it is wise to assume everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Even “common sense” is different for every person and is a product of our life experience. We can always choose to meet people where they are without judgement. We can also choose to be genuinely interested in the people around us. We can show kindness and love to them with no ulterior motives or strings attached. We can broaden our vision to see the good in all people and look for opportunities to lift others. We can learn from other people’s experiences and perspectives – even those that are very different than our own. We can reach out and be inclusive to all those in our sphere of influence. Being inclusive benefits everyone. A good friend reminded me that we can focus on the commonalities that make us human, instead of only looking at the diversity that makes us different. Empathy can cross diversity borders, even if it's not perfect understanding.

I remind myself often that agency is a true principle. 2 Nephi 10:23 says, ”Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.”  Just as we are free to act for ourselves, others are also free to act for themselves. Therefore, trying to control other people doesn’t work well. What we can control is our attitude and our reaction to others. An example from my own life illustrates this. Our unmarried daughter told us she was pregnant on mother’s day of 2019. I was grateful I had the presence of mind to realize I would never get that moment back, so I needed to respond well. I was able to look at her and truthfully say I was happy for her and that she would make such a good mother because she has so much love to give. In the months following that, I did spend a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother. However, I decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could. Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I will always be grateful I chose to respond in the way I did.

I think we sometimes try to micro-manage our situation or other people (and often we even try to do that with our faith). Micro-managing is only the appearance of control and it doesn’t actually achieve what we hope it will. The Lord sees the end from the beginning and He knows how to do His work. He knows what is best in every situation. He can inspire us and help us to reach out to others in the ways and at the times that will be most beneficial. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I have learned that everyone travels the path leading back to Heavenly Father at a different speed. It’s important for us to be patient and gentle with others (and ourselves!) as we try to progress on that path at our own pace.

Over the past few years, I’ve spent time with people on many different levels of the spectrum in faith, testimony, or investment in the gospel and I’ve learned two really important lessons: you can’t force faith and you can’t force people to change. Change will happen when a person is ready and willing. Until then, it is wise to use our own agency to choose unconditional love and friendship, so they will trust us when they are ready to make changes. If we have been there all along, we will be in a position to make a real difference when the progress begins to happen. I believe Heavenly Father is orchestrating many things behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of, so we never know how He is working on people’s hearts. 

My husband no longer believes in the way I originally thought he did and our adult children have chosen different paths for their lives in some ways than I thought they would. Sometimes, members of our church congregation ask if my family will be offended if they talk about the gospel in front of them or they worry about doing the wrong thing. I firmly believe when a person reaches out in unconditional love and friendship, it will never be a wrong choice. Some approaches may work better than others, but my family members won’t be offended. They appreciate kindness because they try to be kind as well.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a “normal” family. I think it’s very instructive that the Bible starts out with Adam and Eve and their children. In a similar way, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ starts out with Lehi and Sariah and their children. Neither were “ideal families.” There were many struggles and unfortunate choices. In that regard, I have appreciated this quote by Orson F. Whitney:

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice… and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving [mother’s and] father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for [them]... hold on to them with [our] faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (quoting Joseph Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).

The wording feels a little dramatic to me and I usually call this the “divine tentacles” quote, but the promises about family members have been a comfort to me. I am learning to become more and more flexible and understanding in a situation that is very different from the one I had planned. I’m grateful to know that God sees the whole picture and knows how it will all end. As several of my friends have said, “God plays the long game” because He understands how to honor agency perfectly.